Right now, millions of women all over the world are standing by their men. Some of these women are standing by a decent man in a decent relationship. They have love, trust, care, and respect in their lives and share the common ground of their relationship. They have their ups and downs because, that’s life, but they’re united and it’s not just her standing by him, but him standing by her. In fact, they’re standing together.
But there are also a hell of a lot of women standing by men that barely deserve the time of day never mind their undying gratitude, loyalty, and love.
These men are loved, albeit in a dysfuctional dynamic.
These men are trusted even though they abuse the trust.
These men are cared about even though they don’t act with due care.
These men are respected even though they not only are undeserving of it but are lacking in respect of the women they are involved with.
Sound familiar?
Men have to be taught to want a relationship and how to behave in one.
You won’t find anyone as good as him.
He’s a great catch!
Men need to sow their wild oats.
Men are like children that need a good woman to show them the light.
A woman’s place is at the side of her man.
A woman’s place is behind her man keeping her opinions to herself.
Brush things under the carpet. Turn a blind eye.
Better to have a man than no man.
If he’s not being the man you want him to be, it’s because you’re not doing enough for him.
This is what men do.
Men cheat.
Without a man you’re nothing.
Have a guy, any guy, just don’t be a ‘alone’.
He’ll come round one day – Give it time.
He’s a good man, he’s just having a difficult time leaving the wife and kids but he will one day.
Men cheat on women who don’t give them what they need.
Men don’t want to be challenged.
You need a man for security.
If you stick with him, eventually, he’ll give you the relationship you want.
All men are afraid of commitment.
All of the rubbish that has been drilled into women about standing by their men, are pathetic reasons to excuse poor behaviour.
The world seems to work on the premise that when it comes to relationships, it’s to be assumed that the man has the emotional intellect of a child and a lack of control over his actions that need to be overlooked by a forgiving woman who is immovable from his side.
Many of us have been taught that if we stick to our men like Super Glue, at some point, they will suddenly feel remorse about their poor relationship contribution and possible poor behaviour towards us, and reward us with the keys to the castle and a ride on the back of their white horse into the sunset.
There is this assumption that it’s the woman that needs to take the emotional risk and fully invest herself in the hope that if she takes the long term (more like long suffering) view, her investment will yield an eventual return on investment.
As I said last week in my three part post about The Dripfeed Manoeuvre, I know of women who have stayed in poor relationships for anything from a few months to forty years and beyond. I know of long suffering women who have been there through repeatedly being cheated on, mystery kids turning up, mystery women beating down their door, getting hit, getting emotionally abused, being left, being threatened to be left, being returned to, being humiliated, being the Other Woman after being the main woman, and being the Other Woman to the Other Woman after originally being the main woman.
I know of women who have waited for men that they don’t actually have a relationship with. They act like they are the steady girlfriend when they are little more than a booty call. Some of these arrangements have lasted for years.
There are millions of women waiting for their guy to ‘come good’. Many of us assume it’s a woman’s work to take a man and build him from the ground up. We like pet projects, fixing, healing, and helping, and expecting more than they’re capable of delivering. We like standing by with a shovel or a bulldozer, and some plaster to cover up the cracks. One day, they skip off down the road with your repair works to someone else. Or you look at them a realise that despite your efforts, you’re still miserable and they’re not really what you want but you’re too afraid to leave, to make a change, to bet on yourself and deal with your own issues. So you settle.
They may ‘come good’ but there’s a distinct possibility that they won’t and there’s a lot to be said for making a sound investment with solid foundations so that you don’t have to run yourself into the ground to get a payoff because this type of labour yields a broken woman….
Click here for Standing By Your Broken Man Part Two. Also part three.
Your thoughts?
AMEN!!! Thank NML!! it’s so true I have aunts, sisters, freinds hell enen my own mother who have “stood by men” in the hopes that these men will change and be real, responsible men and they never do. These women then truely are broken and it’s an incredibly sad thing to see.
NML – you probably hear it many times how people are so glad they found your site, myself included. I read this site daily for strength, to realize where I went wrong and what I am not going to deal with again. I also read the comments of others and how so many wish they would’ve found this site before they allowed themselves to be used, abused and manipulated. If I’m honest with myself, I don’t think I would’ve listened if I would have found this site while I was still in a relationship with my EUM. I wasn’t strong enough to hear the things I didn’t want to hear. I didn’t care about myself more than I cared about him. Eventhough he was hurting me, he made me believe that he was special and that it was elements in my life, things that I needed to change or he’d just simply tell me this is who I am and if you loved me like you say, you’d understand that. He had my mind so twisted and my life in such an unhealthy place that I wasn’t ready to be rational. Doing that meant I had to hold him accountable and come to the realization of what he is. I wasn’t ready for that, because I wanted to hold on to the illusion. By catering to his needs & denying my own and allowing him to condition me, he had snatched me inside his own bubble and I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I stood by him no matter what he did, relished the crumbs he gave me and convinced myself he was really a good man that just needed my love and he would eventually change & realize my worth. I dwelled on the happy memories of the past and when he’d run Hot it gave me a false sense of security. If he felt vulnerable, thought I was asking for too much or he couldn’t have his way, he’d shut me out and give me the silent treatment. I was an emotional wreck and for 9yrs I called this love. It’s pathetic what women put with, because of all the things that have been drilled into our heads about standing by our men.Women are nurturers by nature and we easily fall into a vicious cycle accepting bad behavior, that men would never put up with….because it’s been instilled in us to be the backbone of our relationships. It reminds me of that song by country singer Tammy Wynette ‘stand by your man’. Now I am free from that and have the ability to better my life and embrace the truth. I couldn’t have done that 6 months ago.
Wowie!! Amen.
It’s been a while. I’ve missed a LOT whilst traveling. Off to catch up and read more goodness and truth. 😉
I have read the posts and love it. However, I think it makes alot of sense to work with your man if you see that man is very close to what you want in a man. He may not be perfect but he fulfil alot of the needs you have or desire. Some women are secure with who they are and do not look to their man to make them feel that way. Sure I don’t want a woman to be with a man who will make her lose herself and lower her self worth. I think many women stand by their man only because they have no understanding of who they are without them. They often make the mistake of getting into a relationship before truly understanding their needs, wants and direction. I think it would be a good idea to teach young girls how to be strong and consistent by learning this first. I do believe knowledge is power and understanding is wisdom that keeps us from the pits of life. We need to have it in order to overcome even with the men of our lifes.
I have made a decision to remain solo, that is – without a man – as I recover from a painful EUM/ AC relationship. Most days are good but there are times when I choose to really explore all the difficult feelings that came from that relationship. In those times I come here for insight, from the postings and them comments, and to share.
I know some women, dead old great grammas’s ..who stood by thier cheating lying man in the 1930′ 40’s and beyond, and who lived out their old years telling young women like me that it is “women’s work”, to do all the work of love, to accept and clean up after the sh**t that men leave behind.
While I have strong feminist beliefs that contradict this..( and I define feminism as the basic premise that men and women are EQUAL partners), I also know that women have been culturally engrained to ” stand by that po’ boy/ man “…. lousy as he may be.
Surely, though, ….there is a middle ground.
Of course, if one is close to middle ground, as Africa alludes to above, then standing by that man who knows middle ground, and working on difficulty is the very best thing love can offer.
But sadly, in the case of the boy/ man you may find, after many months, or years of trying, you can not be anywhere near middle ground …and instead you find that you are on their turf, on their turf only…and that turf is not solid ground, not at all.
So….be awed, be shocked to see and know the truth..but then know your eyes are open and see it for what it is and walk away, knowing that strength comes from judging how capable another is in relationship with you.
All the wishing in the world cannot make another more capable.
xoxox to all those who find themselves here.