Over parts one and two I’ve been discussing the age old tradition of women standing by their men. It’s not that I’ve got anything against being loyal and loving to men, or sometimes having to stay when they’ve let you down, but I find that women who talk about standing by their men often stand by men…who aren’t standing with them. This societal expectation that women should stick like glue…even when there’s nothing to stick to and it’s greatly unappreciated or even unacknowledged, means that we’ve been taught that it’s a woman’s job to commit.
If you’ve been reading Baggage Reclaim for long enough, you’ll know that relationships are the sum of two people. When one person is trying to be the heart and soul of the relationship, it will flounder, because for a relationship to have a decent chance of lasting the distance and you both being happy within it, you need two people with both of their feet in the relationship.
Many women, however, are getting to find out that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink from the fountain of commitment.
This expectation and assumption that we must stand by men is incredibly dangerous, because in teaching women to stand by their men, the onus is on us to do the hard work and commit whilst waiting for the men to decide if they’re going to catch up and join us.
This is why red flags will be ignored, boundary crossing is the norm, and women end up losing themselves by laying themselves on the sacrificial alter in the hope that one day they’ll be a big pay off.
A lot of things have changed about relationships in the past ten years even, and technology has really impacted on the ability for us to make connections both on and offline, but also how much of a distance we can keep from relationships – I have written before about the use of technology for lazy communication in relationships.
In the ‘olden days’, before there seemed to be this sudden desire for there to be no boundaries, expectations, or commitmment in relationships, if you stood by your man, there was a strong likelihood that one day the (cough) dog would find its way home…
Now, I have come across thousands of women who have stood by men only to be left high and dry when he takes off elsewhere.
Online dating and the modern notion that there are plenty of fish in the sea means that you have even less likelihood of your loyalty being appreciated.
Standing by your (broken) man is a code phrase for ‘kick me’.
It says, ‘I will love you unconditionally even though you may not be in this relationship the way that I am in it, and I will have absolutely no boundaries so that you get to be you and I get to lose myself trying to accommodate your whims’
It says, ‘No matter what you do, I’m going to be there’.
It says ‘I’m afraid to try to do better myself because I don’t even know who the hell I am anymore as everything is built around you’.
Stand by your man is a code phrase for settling.
You don’t hear people who are in healthy relationships having to talk about or explain that they are standing by their man. You also don’t hear men going on about standing by their woman. Why? Because they’re not ingrained with the same social messaging as women, but also, certain types of men just assume you will be there anyway, because, like, that’s what women do – note my sarcasm…
I am all for love, loyalty, respect, care, trust, care and all that jazz, but as I keep telling you all, we don’t live in an ideal world and we mustn’t keep subscribing to the frickin fairy tale.
In an ideal world, kindness would beget kindness. You’d love someone, they’d love you back. You’d love someone, they’d behave with a modicum of decency.
But deciding that you love someone and want a relationship with them doesn’t come with an IOU for the recipient where they automatically reciprocate in the way that you expect, and it also doesn’t mean that they’ll be committed and behave as someone would in a loving, healthy relationship.
If you stand by a man who is committed to you, loves, trusts, respects, and cares about you, whilst also being respectful of your boundaries, your emotional investment is a good investment.
However throwing love at someone who doesn’t love you back or doesn’t behave like someone who loves, trusts, cares and respects you, even if they talk a good game, is a bit like ploughing more emotional money into a bad investment.
If you stand by a man who is not standing by you, you’re alone.
Standing by your man when there is either no relationship to stand by or the relationship has issues that may render it unlikely to get off the ground puts the guy on a pedestal.
If you stand by a man who you have put on a pedestal, the balance is dangerous as he is looking down on you.
The man that gets stood by doesn’t learn about consequences. Instead he learns that you will be there regardless and so unless he has a divine intervention, he actually has no impetus to change. Change is pretty damn difficult for the great majority of us and if there is no genuine motivation to change, we won’t – we take the easy route.
Many women assume that being loved is a reason in itself for the other person to change. But if the person doesn’t recognise or acknowledge it, but more importantly want and value it, why the hell will they feel the desire to change?
If there are own insecurities and fears are bigger than any feelings they have for you, they won’t change.
We may think that in time they’ll see it, but maybe they will…or maybe they won’t. There’s nothing to say that if they do change that it’s your love they’ll want.
Choosing broken men is partly about healing ourselves. They finally do and give us what we want, we feel infinitely better about ourselves. But choosing a man that doesn’t want to stand by you and with you but still standing by him says a lot about him. At some point you have to ask yourself how much of what you’re standing by is an illusion? Either betting on the potential or hoping that he’ll maximise brief qualities that he’s exhibited.
If your relationship has boundaries and there is love, trust, respect, and care, it is a hell of a lot easier to stand by someone through the good times and the bad because you’re together. It’s not about being happy clappers all the time because that’s not real life, but some people don’t want to be fixed, healed, or helped, and the reality is that if you had better self-esteem, some of the behaviour that you stand by would be completely unacceptable making the relationship a non-starter.
A reader recently said to me that she separates the behaviour from her man, i.e he is not the behaviour, but at some point you need to put the sh*tty behaviour with the man and put two and two together and make four and realise that with one, you get the other.
We’ve really got to start connecting the dots in our relationships and making choices, even when they are painful because until we believe that we deserve better, we don’t act like we deserve better and back away from poor behaviour.
Instead of standing by your broken man, part of your healing is learning to stand by yourself.
Your thoughts?
Your thoughts?
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Thank you for another great post. I stayed with a guy for two years, even though I knew it was ‘negative equity’ and there were warning flags all over (46, single, never married, cheated before, girlfriend after girlfriend). He has left me (with his version of the door still open – ‘hope we still have something after this all settles’) to try his chances with someone else. I now have to take responsibility for why I let myself get in this situation. Examining myself and relationship habits is a hard, painful process, and it is hard not to feel alone (he’s off with someone else and I’m left with the broken pieces). It is a case of a bad emotional investment, and a time to forgive myself and try to move on in a more positive direction.
“Instead of standing by your broken man, part of your healing is learning to stand by yourself.”
EXCELLENT end to the series. Step out of the matrix, ladies.
My husband and I have just decided to separate. I’ve been the fallback girl for too long. Then I had a difficult day yesterday, trying to deal with house responsibilities that he had always taken care of. It was eye opening, and I found myself being drawn back into the relationship – if only to shield myself from life. Luckily, I recognized my usual fears.
I’ve waited for change and finally realized – it wasn’t going to happen. Learning to stand by yourself, in any sense of the phrase, is both difficult and scary. So many truths in this post!
“Instead of standing by your broken man, part of your healing is learning to stand by yourself.”
Sums it all up for me…wish i had of realised this the first time we ever broke up. It’s so liberating to finally believe it.
AMAZING
NML could you write tips for how we learn to be okay standing by ourselves? I couldn’t agree with you more, but it’s easier said then done, when the loneliness and fear creeps in.
I love that “This societal expectation that women should stick like glue…even when there’s nothing to stick to and it’s greatly unappreciated”
This made me smile as well, I was a glue…I dont know why I was doing this? I dont think he needed me!
Very interesting post. It struck a chord with me because, although not in a relationship where I am standing by my broken man, I left a relationship a little over a month ago with a man who was wanted a relationship that frankly wasn’t enough for me. There were signs all along of his limitations to give in a relationship, but I hadn’t been in a relationship in so long with a nice guy that I hung in there. I would tell myself things like, “you haven’t been in a relationship in a long time, especially with a nice guy, he is nice, stick with it.”, “you are having fun”, “you have been happy since he entered your life, stick with it”, “no relationship is ideal and all are full of compromises, stick with it”, “maybe in time he will grow to want more of a commitment, stick with it”.
All the while I wasn’t bringing up my issues or questions about his intentions, telling myself “it was too soon, you don’t want to scare him off”, “his father passed away a few months ago, you need to give him some time”, “he just moved, he is overwhelmed with his move”.
However, when we finally did start having the discussions I was amazed and surprised at how this “nice, sensitive, caring and thoughtful” man was not empathetic to or appreciative of my concerns, and not willing to work with me to find solutions on how to keep our relationship moving ahead and in a good place.
I ignored this for about a month (telling myself the things I listed above), but when the issues reared their head again it was too much to ignore.
I had been happy since he came into my life, yes, but the real fact was that I was very happy for a period before he came into my life. The reason was because I had finally worked on me and raised my self esteem (took a couple years and the final purging of another EUM). And when it became obvious that he was only going to have a “relationship” on his terms and he was basically very unsympathetic to my concerns, I just said I’d had enough and walked away. He was upset but not enough to work with me and start compromising. I was done compromising. It’s not a relationship if you are the only one compromising.
It seemed to me that he was very upset, but mainly because someone was telling him “no” and he wasn’t getting what he wanted. Kind of like taking candy from a baby.
What is good about my situation is that, despite him being what I would call a bit of a Peter Pan, he was raised with good morals and decency. He was able to comprehend and understand my issues of feeling badly about his ambiguity and my expectations for our long distance relationship. He said he “didn’t want to do that to me” (make me feel awful with his ambiguity) and that “we were in different places” (about the amount of time we would spend together) so when I said at the end “I can’t do this anymore” and finally “I have to go”, he respected that. There has not been any manipulation, or contact after the breakup.
I’ve digressed a bit -I am sorry – the point of this reply is to say when I started telling my friends and family about the break up – it was the women who have been without relationships for years and years that came up with those old chestnuts like:
“better any man than no man”
“just hang on, maybe he will change,”
“relationships are full of compromises” and finally yes
“men are like rubberbands, use a strategy of disappearing and he will spring back to you.”
To which I responded:
“not really, I was happy before I met him, I’ll eventually be happy without him”
“he’s not going to change, that only happens in chic flicks and lit”
“I have been doing all of the compromising lately”
“strategies are for war, not relationships.”
However, the people that were either in healthy relationships or had high self esteem all agreed that I did the right thing and said things like:
“thank god you didn’t just put up with it and got out”
“I hate to say it, but you did the right thing”
“that’s unfortunate, I am sorry, but you deserve better”
So I’ve been on my own for a little over a month and it’s not easy. I miss a lot of things about him. But I don’t miss the ambiguity, the one sided compromises and the mis-matched intensity of our emotions and intentions. I’m getting out there, starting to date a little bit but mostly I’m beginning to accept my life and reality without him. I wish I could say it’s all roses and butterflies, but what in life is? What is good though, is that I have my dignity, self-respect and self-esteem back to a healthy level.
Thanks for the post NML.
I have a question for ALL of you. Is it just a EUM thing or do ALL men oogle other women? Let me tell you how I feel. When I am with a man in a committed relationship, I do not look at other men because at that point I am satisfied. WHY is it the norm that men should look at other women while they’re committed to YOU? WHY do we accept that? All of that “he can look but can’t touch” bs is SO ridiculously annoying and I’m so sick of it! Right here and now, I’m putting my foot down and saying I don’t care to be lied to either, because even if he does is discreetly he’s just doing it behind my back and NOT eliminating the behavior. I HATE THIS BEHAVIOR! And in the future, I want to be with a man who doesn’t do this, and definitely doesn’t do it on purpose.
I know that when I register an attractive person, it’s not this long process where I oogle someone and then try to catch more glimpses and then fantasize and then this and that. When I see an attractive person it’s mostly uncontrolled–I’m either standing in front of someone (for example, ordering a cup of coffee), or someone passes and I automatically turn my head because of the motion, whether they be male or female it doesn’t matter. My mind automatically judges that person’s appearance by MY standards of whether he or she is attractive or not and then I move on. It’s not this elongated process where I simply MUST check out everyone and everything and blahblahblah…
And it bothers me when men do this and the behavior is normalized and women accept it…over and over again.
C’mon ladies, is anyone with me on this? Are there men out there like this–committed when committed and NOT constantly looking for external sources of eyecandy to fulfill their wet dreams?
Something,
I think it depends on the degree of the look. We have to remember that men are visual creatures and will continue to look at other women, they’re not dead. If the man is obviously ogling a woman in his girlfriend or date’s presence, this is not only disrespectful to the target but also disrespectful to the girlfriend and himself. If that is the case, I am with you and would move on from the creep.
“at some point you need to put the sh*tty behaviour with the man and put two and two together and make four and realise that with one, you get the other.”
That is so, so true. It is really something to come into reality this way. We need to accept the disappointment – and for a lot of us, it is quite difficult to face. But we need to have faith in ourselves that we CAN face it – because we most certainly can. And this man is not the end of us!
“We’ve really got to start connecting the dots in our relationships and making choices, even when they are painful because until we believe that we deserve better, we don’t act like we deserve better and back away from poor behaviour.”
“Instead of standing by your broken man, part of your healing is learning to stand by yourself.”
Love it. What more can I say?!
” But choosing a man that doesn’t want to stand by you and with you but still standing by him says a lot about him. At some point you have to ask yourself how much of what you’re standing by is an illusion? ”
Great post and reading these two lines made me realize I have reached another milestone in the EUM recovery process. See, my head knew this for years but…I finally now see, after seven months of NC, that he is truly down off the pedestal I built and put him on. This was the hardest thing for me to come to, to really know in my heart that what I created was an illusion.
and I am laughing at the ‘advice’ given to Ashley…“better any man than no man †Nothing could be furthur from the truth…errr except maybe my idealized EUM creation :-)))
This site has helped me so much but I believe I have taken steps back the past few weeks and am really needing advice to get out of this rutt I’m in.
I started no contact with a guy I was seeing 4 months ago after a roller coaster relationship that started 2 years ago when we were both going through a divorce. He had a lot of drama through the divorce and I pretty much stood by his side (and him me) and we went through a lot together although we never really called each other boyfriend/girlfriend – just an odd “friends with benefits†relationship (including him getting an ex stripper pregnant). Anyway, the NC pretty much started when he dropped out of site and I decided not to pursue (yes, I saw the red flags and remained strong as I realized I felt more for him that what I had wanted to). We went three months with no contact and then boom…he popped back in like a bad habit.
He claims he walked away from me because he did not want to pull me into his “toxic world†with the baby mama drama and that he was worried she would go after me (as she has been stalking him). He also told me that he had gotten involved with a woman who had dealt with a lot of custody type of stuff. Long story short, she lost her job and was homeless so she conveniently moved in with him.
After a month of emails, I decided that I needed to see him face to face and get some closure – probably not the best idea. In a nutshell he has told me that this relationship he has found himself “stuck in†is something he does not want. He does not love her but she has helped him out a lot and he feels bad just kicking her out in the street with no where to go. He has also realized that I had broken down all his walls and barriers and made a connection to his heart. For the first time ever, he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved him too. We connected more than we ever have and spent 3 hours in nothing but a deep conversation.
So, now after 4 months he is realizing that he really has found his soul mate in me. Guess I should be relieved that he has finally realized it as I have known it for a long time and just never acted on it. Yes, he is severely a “Broken Man†and I am the Fallback Girl. Our conversation ended when I told him that he was a grown man who needed to learn how to make better choices and “unstuck†himself and that I was not going to just sit and wait for him to get rid of this live in girlfriend that he supposedly has no feelings for.
Not sure if I need to just walk away for good or just stand by and be A FRIEND only and just communicate via email until he works through all this. I know in my heart that his feelings are true but I also know that his actions speak louder than words and at this point, it’s just “wordsâ€. I’m a “look me in the eye†type of girl and know when a guy is lying to me. Although I know a lot of men lie, the tears he shed were real and I know in my heart that he was sincere. Just never thought it would get to this and now I guess I’m the one “stuck†as “The Other Womanâ€â€¦. Any advice would be great as I’m really struggling here.
Mintgirl
You sound like a really intelligent and rational woman. You basically know what you should do but we get stuck on wanting to believe more in the illusion/potential than anything else. That will only help to confuse you and keep you stuck longer.
This guy really doesnt sound like a good partner. His actions have spoken for him and there are many red flags. A divorce, you with benefits, him getting a stripper pregnant and now him allowing some woman to move in with him who he claims he doesnt love?? I would say RUN!
As for you “standing by him” as a friend? I think deep down you and I both know that leaving the door “open” is directly related to us wanting something to emerge from us saying that we are being “Friends”. You already know and have even told him that he needs to get his life together and that you wont be one to sit and wait around…… now show him that in actions. Not for him but for you because I cant see one beneficial thing that you have coming if you were to be in a relationship with this person. Too much Drama and you seem to smart for someone like this. I know its easier said than done but dont allow the words “I love you” fog your thinking. People use words and say things all the time and they have no true meaning and or intentions behind them. I know you have waited for him to say that to you but seriously— does this man even know what love means? Or to the extent that you would want to be loved? It seems he has made some bad choices and decisions in his life and it seems he continues to do so. He is a grown man, it seems very unlikely that he will change. I would hate to see you get “STUCK” in his mess. I think you are really strong by handling things the way you are. So my answer is YES just walkaway and NO dont be his friend. I know its easier said than done but you will be better so much better off. You dont need this type of man in your life. You want someone is 100% available to you emotionally with not so much baggage etc…. Dont you deserve that? And as far as feeling you are “abondoning him” by not continuing to be supportive or his “friend” you can let that thought go because he surely doesnt seem to have a problem with finding “OTHER” women and putting himself in some peculiar circumstances. I dont know Mintgirl but i wouldn hold on to the words I LOVE YOU so much as I would hold on to and pay attention to all these RED flags that are waving in your face screaming RUN!!!!!
good luck!!! (But i think you deserve better!!! 😉
Wow….mintgirl’s situation seems a little similar to mine. What a strange friendship I’m in. We both carry a good bit of emotional baggage and commitment issues…a dangerous combination, I know. But up until now it’s been working. We started out deciding not to label anything and just let “it” happen (whatever “it” is). He’s been divorced twice and we’ve talked about the reasons at lengths. He also has some deep rooted family issues and knowing the situation I understand his baggage and accept him as he is. I have issues too. Where it starts to get muddy is when he moved in with me….yet we are still not going to label things so now I guess he’s more of a “roommate with benefits” as opposed to a “friend with benefits”. Now that’s he’s here all the time there are things that I am learning about him that trouble me. He’s out late……a lot. Now I notice he frequents singles dating sites too. If this were only a booty call it wouldn’t bother me but this guy is living in my house now. He doesn’t know that I know about the dating sites yet but I have to say something. We’ve been doing this thing for 6 months now. I started out thinking it was great. He’s very supportive of everything I do but now I feel like there are some red flags waiving in the wind…..;I feel like I’m reaching a crossroad but he’s had it rough and I’m that person that’s loyal to the end. He says I’m one of the most important people in his life. He loves to say I love you in his sleep, when he’s drunk but not once when he’s sober. I’m not sure that I am in love with him but I do love and care about him. I just feel like with the late nights and staying out all the time lately I’m going to wind up crawling back into my shell and push him and every other man away. I have some serious trust and committment issues of my own to deal with…..I guess it’s kinda like the blind leading the blind. Up until meeting him I pushed a lot of men away because of my past but when i met him and he wanted to hang out and we decided the “no pressure/no labels” route….I didn’t scare me off. Instead it made we want to stick around and see what would happen. Part of me that has been so hurt before says “run like the wind girl!” but the part that is compassionate and understanding keeps telling me “Just hang tight, things will work themselves out.” I just don’t know which way to go anymore. For a lot of women, they say the men don’t communicate…in my case it’s me who doesn’t communicate. I just keep things to myself afraid to mess things up but in that process it hurts me in the end. I’m trying to do things differently with him and speak up but for some reason, probably because we don’t have a label, I feel like I shouldn’t say anything about the dating sites I know he has visited. I try to be practical and in my opinion, if a man is frequenting dating sites, he’s thinking the grass is greener so he should look to graze elsewhere. Any advice would be helpful…..I’m so confused.
Hi everyone,
First of all I think your blogs are extremely well written, well analysed and hence very useful for all of us women that have several unanwered questions. Thanks to you we have lesser unanswered questions now.
I have known this man for about a year now. He definitely fits into your description of a Mr. unavailable/assclown. Nice guy on the whole, well educated, cultured, also surprisingly kind WITH a guilt conscience. Hence a bit confusing. Why say that is because there are times in my personal experience with him where he has hurt me by being his asshole self and felt, said and also acted on his guilt. And actually tried to distance himself from me for sometime.
However the way you have described a fall back girl, I dont know how much I fit in- I am sure I do or wouldnt be here right now. But each time he has tried to share something intimate and acted nonchalant I have called him on it and he has apologised. He has an ex girlfriend with whom he has a strange relationship. He always says to me and to her because she tells people too that he was nevr in love with her, he wasnt into her, just like the movie he’s just not that into her- But EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT DATE anymore after a few rounds of on and off, now they hang out a lot (without dating) I dont know in what capacity but definitely dont look like in a committed relationship. So they hang out, take a one day trip, etc and still continue to maintain this strange relationship where they are not committed. I feel this would have been alright had the girl not been too involved herself but she has broken up with him twice before because she really really wanted things to move forward.
Can you throw some light on this situation in you understand. i am confused.
Thanks a lot!
Whispering willow…i’m in the same situation! Things started out bad (he had a live-in girlfriend at the time), we had an emotional affair long before anything happened physically, and then we decided to be roommates. A bad idea that has gotten worse. He’s only been here for 2 months, but has probably only slept here 7 days or so. He’ll go for a week without coming home, but since we’re ‘roommates with benefits’ I’ve just dealt with it. When he moved out of his ex’s, he waited til she was at work, then borrowed her car to move his stuff into my house the next town over. Understandably, when he’s late with rent, I just expect to come home and find all his stuff gone. Well, right now he’s really really late with rent, his cell phone was turned off and he’s not home. I have no way of getting in touch with him, and I’m pretty sure he’s been slowly moving his stuff out. I don’t know what to do. I covered our rent, but now I’m left with absolutely NOTHING (he knows this) and have no idea what to do. If not for the financial need, I’d be pleased to wash my hands of him and be done with it. He said he was waiting on a check (to his PO Box) that didn’t come yet, and when pressed, he assured me that he wasn’t gonna just bolt in the night, but I don’t believe him.
Anyway, I’ve been sort of “guarding” the house to make sure he can’t run off with his playstation and computer (his only posessions of value) and then disappear owing me money. This girl keeps coming around looking for him, maybe I’m paranoid, but I can’t help but suspect that he’s with her (like out in the car) and she’s knocking to make sure I’m not there before he comes in. I know that he will do ANYTHING to avoid confrontation or being called on what a schmucky selfish bastard he’s being, so I know that he won’t show until he either a)has money or b)can get his stuff out without me knowing.
I don’t know what to do. I hate having drama in my life that has spiralled out of my control. I know I chose to ignore all the red flags when getting involved with him (why didn’t I find this blog 6 months ago?????!!!), but now here I am and it sucks!
daisymayhem,
Find another room mate like yesterday, preferable a girl and one that you think is respectful and has a job, There are plenty of people looking for rooms, look for them !! get this new roommate to pay the rent up front as they move in, with a deposit…alway’s ask for a deposit, that way this kind of thing is taken care of. Box his stuff up and put it in a corner, change the locks, and text him, he can get his stuff when a envelope with the money due comes through the door. Wake up my dear, this guy is dangerous, run!! And get YOUR life together before you lose everything, including your dignity. I promise if you do this and make it happen over the next week, you will regain your power. I’ve had to do the same, It works 🙂
Only in action is there power and grace
Well ladies…I confronted him about the dating sites…he denied it. he said he was taking his profiles down because he likes where things are going with us. I also mentioned the late nights and asked him what he thought I should think. He does work late at times (he is a contractor and works for himself and mostly by himself). Since that confrontation he has made an effort to always call or text me to let me know where he is and when he’s coming home. He is finally referring to my house as his home and I guess that’s good. Now me being the “once bitten, twice shy” woman that I am, I have purchased a little program for my computer that can block certain sites, etc. I know it’s not the most honest thing to do but I chose to block pretty much every dating site out there. I notice that since I confronted him he has rarely been on the computer other than to check email and here lately he’s been asking me to do it for him. I guess he is making an effort but I still have my trust issues. Then again my issues stem from way before he and I met. Anyways, I just figured I’d write a little update on where we are at this point. We have had more break throughs lately, he’s told me he loves me, referred to me as his girlfriend and I even met his mother. Time will tell. However, I’m still not able to fully trust him…or any other man for that matter…it’s my own personal battle that I’ll eventually overcome.
Lol. Kick me! I love it. This series is insightful and wise. Letting go (forever) of the broken man in my “life” is something I struggle with all the time. The battle raging is within myself and I really wonder when I’m going to get tired of beating myself up?