It has been ingrained into us over centuries that women must ‘stand by your man….and tell the world you love him…’ and despite feminism, equality, and a shift in our dating and relationship habits, by and large, the world is still catering to this.
In our modern world, the sun still shines out of men’s bums, the sun rises and sets on them, and no matter what we achieve as women, if we don’t have validation from the species with a penis, as a woman, you are nothing.
When I see women marginalising and losing themselves in the name of men, it is sickening. The panic, fear, terror, disillusionment, loneliness, ambiguity, confusion, paranoia and everything else that many women have to carry is a burden and it is down to us, to chuck off the excess baggage from emotional plane and get wise because whilst we’re standing by our broken men, they’re off living their lives whilst ours are at a standstill or a bit like a half life. Our lives get filled with pretending to be happier than we feel, or being outright miserable but feeling powerless to change it.
It is society’s shame that many women have low self-esteem and are taught to look for love in all of the wrong places and that if their relationships don’t work out, there is something wrong with them. They must try harder to win the prize of their man.
It’s not to absolve ourselves of our responsibility for our contribution into our relationships, but surrounded by social and media messaging that caters to these long held beliefs, it really is no wonder that assclowns and Mr Unavailables get a look in from women.
The difficulty in us being taught to stand by our man is that we’ll commit when there is nothing to commit to.
It’s a bit like pick a man, any man, and take up the position.
Some women commit from the moment they feel the stirring of attraction and/or attachment.
In fact, in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain that women who commit to emotionally unavailable men commit at these crucial points,
“Some of you commit pretty much as soon as you meet the guy. You see so much potential, you’re straight out the gate, into the future. You may not even see that much potential but you’re gagging for companionship and affection. You’re the Fallback Girl that doesn’t like to be alone and thinks every guy she connects with might be the one.
Some of you commit when you realise that he has issues because you feel comfortable around wounded souls, guys who scream hard work, drama, and you feel that you can be the one to make him better. You’re the Fallback Girl that’s a sucker for a sob story and a sucker for baggage.
Some of you commit when you realise that he’s not going to leave his wife or his girlfriend, or make that separation official by becoming divorced, because you think that if you show him how committed you are, that you’ll be rewarded. You’re the Fallback Girl that commits when it becomes clear that he’s definitely not going to commit.
Some of you commit to the cycle of drama. You’re not that sure about him until he starts catering to your pattern of fear of abandonment and making you jump through hoops, and after a while, you’re not really going out with him; you’re going out with the high created by Relationship Crack. You’re the Fallback Girl that commits even though you weren’t really that interested until he started messing you around and got your attention.”
Many women love unconditionally without working out whether the person is an appropriate person to be involved in a relationship with that can commit to them, and of course love them back..
This is the fundamental problem with standing by your (broken) man:
If you find yourself as an adult with low self-esteem who has poor beliefs about herself, love, and relationships, you will gravitate to men and situations that reflect these beliefs. Rather than choosing partners that buck the trend, you’ll end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that exacerbates what you already feel. If this continues, you will build up a pattern of being involved in poor relationships and will end up ‘losing yourself’ because in order to accommodate these men and the relationships that do and don’t come with them, you’ll allow your boundaries to be repeatedly crossed, you’ll normalise bad behaviour, and you’ll end up so far travelled from the reality of him, the relationship, and yourself, that you won’t know who you are anymore, so will feel even more dependent on the man. In continuing to love unconditionally, you love without conditions, and send a clear message that you are lacking in self-love and respect because every relationship needs conditions because it ensures that there are boundaries.
When you stand by broken men, they are repeatedly taught that there is no consequence to their behaviour.
If they don’t fear consequences and know that they will always have that trusty woman to default to or fallback on, there is no impetus to change. Why should they? Change is something that most people struggle with and if there are no consequences, short of having some sort of cataclysmic moment that has them seeing the light, there is no reason to change.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your ongoing presence is a reason to change; it’s not otherwise they’d have done so already.
Remember what I have said about relationship insanity – doing the same thing and expecting a different result from your relationships. Bit like walking into oncoming traffic again and again and wondering why you get run down each time…
As women, we have to stop assuming that because we are in pain, and we don’t like what we’re experiencing, and we would surely recognise our actions and feel remorse, and we would want someone to stand at our side and show our unconditional love, that eventually our men must surely feel the same way.
What you think, do and say, is not what he thinks, does, and says. What you need, want, or expect, is not what he needs, wants, or expects!
Love (or claiming to love someone) doesn’t merge you both.
Standing by your broken man is bit like trying to perform some sort of Jedi mind trick with the sheer power of perseverance and sacrifice.
Standing by your (broken) man is really about putting yourself on standby in the hope that one day they’ll be ready to actually fully commit to the relationship with you. Or at least make you the ‘main woman’…
Think of it is as putting off your happiness and living to a rainy day in the future.
Part Three coming later this week where I talk about how standing by broken men puts them on a pedestal and what this in turn reflects back to you, and knowing when to fold. Also check out part one of Standing By Your Broken Man.
Your thoughts?
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Excellent article! It’s scary that we can sit in a relationship, sometimes for years, hoping for something that will never happen. In fact, the whole thing is akin to a mirage.
NML,
You’re the best ‘relationship surgeon’ in the world ! 🙂
Once again, you see it with laser accuracy, sum it up succintly, and then offer truth and solution.
Anyone willing to open their eyes, will, after time, gradually no longer want to fix anyone broken.
Being whole makes having interest in a broken person far less attractive.
Therefore, our responsibility to ourselves is to comprehend, strive for and embrace wholeness.
Period.
‘Him’ is only a reflection of how we really feel about ourselves, and what needs to be looked at and healed – or not.
((HUGS))
NML, I love that: “Remember what I have said about relationship insanity – doing the same thing and expecting a different result from your relationships. Bit like walking into oncoming traffic again and again and wondering why you get run down each time”…
Gosh, I was insane for two years, as I kept carrying on “dating” him…Thanks GOD, I am on NC and I hope I will never come back to this madness again!!!
AHHH NML I am waiting on pins and needles for part three! This is exactly where I am right now with him. He’s broken. I tried to break up with him a few weeks ago but he started telling me about how depressed he is about his situation. His situation is serious and I know he is depressed. He was telling me how much he liked me and if I saw things from his side I wouldnt be breaking up with him. Hell it wasnt even breaking up I’m not his GF I just told him we wouldnt be having sex anymore. He started saying how much it would hurt him and that I deserved the best. But I never hear from him on weekends anymore. I only see him for a few hours a week when we have sex. He is really busy with work. I know this. But it seems if he really liked me he would find other time to spend with me right? He calls me several times a day ( except saturday and friday evening) If he has another girl he must only see her on the weekends? Ugh! I just dont know. My best friend was in town and he met her. He seemed eager to do it and was on his best behaviour like he was trying to impress her. Would he do that if he didnt like me as more than a booty call? I’m so confused I dont want to leave him if he’s just down. He even gives me things to give to my son. Do these guys get kids involved too? Desparately waiting for part three
It’s funny how these words surfaced right when you need them. Even though it would have been nice to have heard them a few months ago, I’m thankful that you wrote this!
I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart at the moment. Girls, it hit me like a truck…I really want to share the story and my analysis of it in retrospect.
Here is my story in less than a 1000 words:
I have gotten used to be in a relationship and have always felt uneasy when I didn’t get attention from the opposite sex.
Usually I am surrounded by men who show interest in me, but there are times in life when there is a man-drought. That’s what happened when I got out of my last 2 year relationship. I’m not a big socializer so it’s not a surprise that I went to online dating in search for love.
First guy I started dating from the dating website seemed extremly interested and even though at first I wasn’t, he was persistent and talked me into being intimate with him just a few weeks into our short lived relationship.
Get this, he said: “I can’t think straight when I’m around you. Lets just get this out of the way.”
He was fun and being as unsuspecting and desperate for love as I was I went for it. I get attached to men I sleep with and typical to a woman(as the insightful writer of this blog said) in need of a partner, I immediately move into a fantasy land where I’m building a castle where I will live happily ever with Mr. doesn’t-really-matter–who-you-are-as-long-as-I’m-somewhat-attracted-to-you-and-you-seem-to-be-attracted-to-me. I didn’t care that we had little in common, we both just got out of a relationship and the attraction wasn’t that strong. It didn’t take long with this one. Within a week he started to withdraw and stopped calling me/emailing me every day.
I guess his thinking ability returmed and after a week, he *emailed* me saying that he wants to be friends but feels that the chemistry is not there.
I wasn’t too heartbroken even though my ego was – he was the first guy to ever reject me. The funny thing that I wasn’t that interested in the first place. But because of the tricks our mind plays on us when we want something that bad(I guess guys don’t get to that level of desperation….) I wasn’t the first to pick up on the fact that that relationship was doomed in the first thing.
Being an eternal optimist, I didn’t mope around and went back to the same website in search for love the second time a few months later. This time it felt like cismet. He was so adorable, smart and funny. It seemed that we had soooooo much in common.
We have been emailing each other for a few months before I realized that I really wanted to meet this guy. I couldn’t wait.
He on the other hand seemed like he could do some waiting, because he just kept emailing me until I said: “No more. I didn’t join the website to find a pen pal. I want a guy I can do stuff with!”.
He was charmed by this attitude. He said:” I love it when woman knows what she wants.”. The fact that he was dragging his feet should have been the first sign of trouble. But that’s how we first met….
The first date…was the best first date that I ever had! And looking back with a clearer mind I still think so. I might have been smitten by our written communication, but the first date totally got me. I fell hard.
Everything that I could ever want in a guy was there – he was attentive,smart, funny, attractive and most importantly: interestinig!!!!! Somehow every date we had was an amazing adventure.
He told me he loved me just a few months into the relationship.
I knew I felt the same since the beginning so I didn’t hide my feelings from him.
At that time he was planning ahead to spend his available moments with me but suddenly, after an amazing weekend together, at the end of which he didn’t want to leave and go back to his place, he emails me:
“I want to invite a friend of mine to a day trip we plan to do together next weekend. I feel like I’m neglecting my friends and spending too much time with you”.
I replied: ” Why don’t you go to this trip with your friend instead? (I met his friend and it was the last thing on my agenda to spend a whole day with this person).
I realize that we are spending too much time together and I wouldn’t want you to have your mind with other people when you’re with me.”.
To which he replied:” You have to realize that we can’t be spending every weekend together. There will be weekends in the summer when I will be unavailable”.
He actually said it: “Unavailable”!!!!, and then he reminded me that on my dating profile I said that I need considerable time for self reflection once in a while. That should have been the second sign of trouble.
Long story short, the trip was canceled( I was too proud to go with him after this and his friend couldn’t come 🙂 ) and we both spent the weekend reflecting. Moving on….
The love story continued. It wasn’t as adventurous as in the beginning and there was a certain routine that we fell into, as I guess most couples do. I was still in love and so was he( at least that’s what he told me on every occasion he had ).
The constant commuunication subsided alittle but I didn’t take it as a warning sign( see? Already in the midst of the castle construction work!!!).
Another thing that I didn’t share with anyone else but being an anonymous on this website, I will share this with you, readers. This guy was somewhat into submission. He had a Ph.D and he is a sexy – nerdy looking kind of guy. You would never suspect it! He had a whole box of leather toys and accessories. He wanted me to be his Mistress and dominate him( hello? Let me remind a quote from a few paragraphs back: :” I love it when woman knows what she wants.”. ). I’m not into that at all, but it was very empowering to try it out. And I do like the outfits :). He repeatedly told me that I’m not bitchy enough for him. I should tell him more what to do. He even bought me a book about it.
But I loved him and this kind of behavior was not natural for me. I was trying to cater to this perversion of his as much as I could, in my own dorky way. I thought I got the hang of it, didn’t think too much of it, and I overlooked the fact that this was exactly that: a perversion! This should have been a sign #3 for our incompatibility.
Suddenly we started going on some trips apart – some by necessity and some by choice. He went to his friend’s wedding in Canada and didn’t even invite me. We had a small fight about. He apologized and said that he is ” just not a good communicator”. We made up. But something was bothering me. I started having weird dreams where he doesn’t listen to me and walks in front of me while ignoring me. I think that I started noticing some distancing but didn’t think too much of it.
Finally, a month and a half ago we went to an amazing 5 day trip together. We were so close for these 5 days. Sharing the beauty of nature and each other every minute of these days. Loving each other and reassuring each other of our love. We finally started talking about serious topics. Talking about the future alittle. He mentioned growing old together. But one thing that I, again overlooked, was how easily he was hipothesizing about possibilities of moving somewhere else for a job or moving away without reassuring me that he will not move without me. He said:”anything is a possibility. I’m not like my sister who turned down a job because of her boyfriend.”. Big, big sign #4 – ignored.
But I was overcome by emotion by the end of the trip. I started crying while we were waiting to board our plane. At first I couldn’t really understand why. He couldn’t understand why. Then by the end of the day it came out of me: ” I want to be with you! I don’t want to be apart again!”. He said: ” you’re unhappy with what we have.you want this to be more serious” I said: ” Are you happy?” . He said:”yes. but lets talk about it during the week.”. Big, huge #5.
What did he do during this week? Signed up for a new hobby,bought new bed-sheets, planned another 2-week trip on his own(unnecessary for work), and called me for a date during the weekend. Unsuspecting and hoping I showed up and we had an awesome time. I stayed over and next morning(Saturday) started seeing the beginning of the end. Slow withdrawal that totally peaked on Sunday. Finally I got angry at the fact that he is leaving for a long trip, not talking about our relationship and to add more, withdrawing! Sign #6.
I finally said:” I’m not happy with you.” To which he replied:” I’m not happy with my self.”
“I don’t see where this relationship is going. I don’t see myself marrying you and having babies with you.”
“I don’t know if I want to go back to my homeland”( he is German and he is alone here, at the states. His whole apartment is covered of pictures of his friends. Not his family, not me – but his friends. HUGE HUGE HUGE sign #7!!!!!!!!)
“I think that your relationship with your parents is weird and I don’t want to be a part of it” ( my parents live with me).”
“I mean, what would you say if I asked you to move in with me?” (huh??????)
So I said: ” I thought you loved me” and he said ” I guess not. I guess the emotion wasn’t that strong. Maybe I’m too volatile.”
To which I replied:” I really thought this was something special. But I can’t go on like this. I can’t believe it’s over”
So there you have it. The bitter end and 7 signs, maybe more – totally ignored. Why? Because I convinced myself that he was the one for me. I let myself get carried away even though I didn’t test his love for me. I let myself get carried away because of myself and not because of him, how he talks and how he walks. It was my choice. It is your choice. You can control it. Try and be rational and analyze things. Listen to your inner voice. Remeber? I had dreams that warned me about his true feelings. Pull away once in a while and look at the relationship from a different angle. Project into the future and most importantly, make sure that your values and his correspond. This can only be done with time and patience. That’s what I’m working on now:patience. Not with him, but with yourself! You might be acting out of impatience. Note when you’re acting out of low self esteem. I stopped online dating for now. I realize that I have a problem – I need a man to get my self esteem high and that’s bad. I will first learn how to be self sufficient – it’s hard because it’s a concious effort, but I know that a human being is capable much more than one can imagine.
I really hope that there is something that you took out of my story. If not, at least it helped me to pour my heart out. And I suggest anyone to do the same(let it out) . This helps not to establish negative patterns(or if you have one – break one).
Thank you “bride of the revolution” for your short version of what I know could have been much more. I think you made some very excellent and important points for us women to consider. There are alot of us who’s out there looking for or having relationship after relationship just because we don’t want to be alone or just look over the warning signs because we think its love. I think we need to hear others story and compare them to our own. This is the only way we can learn from our mistakes and hopefully not make the same ones over again.
Also thanks NML for such a great article. It is a inspiration to us all. I shall read part 3 also.