dealing with change Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 94: We Are Allowed To Grow (Yes We Are!)

September 1, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

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In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, it’s a subject that has been such a big part of my own story–giving ourselves permission to grow, because, well, you’d be surprised how many of us hold ourselves back in conscious and unconscious ways because we feel as if we’re not supposed to be more than what we assumed we were in the past, or what we thought we ever could be, or, yes, definitely not ‘more’ than people in our family.

Topics covered

That little kid inside of us almost pinching itself in disbelief and half-expecting for someone to come along and say that we’re in the wrong life and to basically pack our bags
Why wanting to grow makes us feel guilty or even disloyal
Why we can be afraid that by not playing a type or role that we’re going to take someone else’s job away
Fearing that people will think that we’ve gotten too big for our boots and forgotten where we came from
Does someone having a happy childhood mean that they’re a shoe-in for a happy adulthood?
Why growth isn’t just for us but actually, on a deeper level, it grows the family dynamic
How some people want to keep you at their level (or even beneath it…), not because you belong there but because they’re afraid of what you doing your own thing means about what they themselves are doing or not doing

Links mentioned (or useful follow-on articles and episodes)

Next stop

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Have a great weekend!

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Ask yourself: Is there a way that I could love myself AND be in the relationship too?

February 6, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

One of the issues that becomes very evident when talking to people who are struggling in a relationship or who have been through a series of painful relationships, is that loving themselves and being in a relationship are seen as mutually exclusive. Now sometimes that’s due to the nature of the relationship and so it has issues that are having a knock-on effect on their self-esteem but equally, it can be down to the fact that they tend to give themselves up no matter who they’re with.

Whether we’ve lost ourselves as a direct result of engaging in a relationship or we’re lost because we give ourselves up in the pursuit of love in general, it results in confusion about whether to stay or go because we’re unable to distinguish the relationship from our self-worth and so the relationship is at once a source of external esteem, while at the same time, intertwined with feelings, thoughts and actions that mean that the relationship is closely associated with pain.

The person/relationship that’s seen as the sole source of our happiness paradoxically becomes the sole source of our pain.

It is possible for us to be in a relationship and love ourselves at the same time.

It’s in this kind of relationship where we can have love for another without diminishing ourselves in the process, where we experience love that flows and grows between two people rather than it being about one party having something we want to ‘get’ or ‘earn’ from them or it being called love because it’s what we associate anxiety, angst, precariousness, worthlessness, uncertainty, turmoil and other such feelings that become the norm in a relationship where we don’t feel good about ourselves.

You’ve Made More Progress Than You Think

January 23, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

There are so many people who beat themselves up for going back to a relationship that isn’t working for them or for taking up an old habit that isn’t serving them. They hate themselves for having fallen off the wagon or they feel as if whatever efforts they’ve made have been a waste. In some instances, returning is seen as confirmation that being able to make long-lasting positive changes for themselves, is indeed impossible. They accept defeat and resign themselves to settling for less and feeling disheartened, resentful and frustrated.

Whether it’s that we can barely look ourselves in the eye now that we’re back with an ex or we’re berating ourselves for having to start over, or we’re feeling resigned to being stuck, what we’re not seeing is that these experiences contain some valuable information that we can use to propel us forward.

One of the things I caution people about when they break up and opt to do No Contact (NC) is that it’s not just a case of time heals everything–it’s what’s done with the time. If we exit a relationship with certain habits of thinking and behaviour and we continue to engage in a similar level of habits even without that person, then it’s understandable why there hasn’t been much movement, so we might end a relationship but if we use our beliefs to treat and regard us badly and we carry on as if this person and the relationship was our life support machine, yeah, it’s only a matter of time until we slide back.

In many instances though, we have made changes but aren’t necessarily aware of what these are, possibly because we’re looking for other signs of success.

This is a bit like when someone decides to lose weight and so makes lifestyle changes that involve losing weight but doesn’t notice how their relationships with loved ones positively evolve or how they’re being kinder to themselves and instead, they look for, for example, words of affirmation from strangers or for what they might deem as the pinnacle of their success: meeting the love of their life. If the latter doesn’t happen in line with the level of change they’re making (i.e. on their schedule and almost as a reward) then they might underestimate and in fact fail to acknowledge all of the other gains that they’ve made.

We get very disheartened when we have an expectation of how change should unfold and it’s not met. This can lead to us throwing the baby out with the bath water when we for instance, feel that we have disappointed ourselves and ‘failed’.

A great way of knowing whether you’re making strides, even if you’re not quite where you want to be, is noticing how you feel when you try to do something that you used to do as part of the habit that you’re trying to evolve out of, or noticing how you feel when you stop doing something that you think isn’t making a difference.

Change Has To Be About Becoming More of Who You Are

January 2, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

When we’ve spent our whole life (or much of it), doubting our worth and how ‘enough’ we are, the prospect of change, even when it’s something that we recognise as being beneficial and even critical, can seem like yet another thing that highlights what’s wrong with us.

It’s not unusual to have a negative association with change, possibly because we had significant or even traumatic life events that have made us sensitive to change, but often because we feel as if we have never really been accepted for who we are whether it’s by us or by others. Even when we know that we’ve pretended to be something that we’re not to blend in and to gain attention, affection, validation, love etc., we can be surprisingly attached to the security of the costume. ‘But this people pleasing mask and cape is safe. It’s what I know even if I hanker to let the real me out.’

The funny thing is, more often than not, what we resist changing isn’t even who we are. For instance, so many people have told me that ‘needy’ is part of their personality but this is a pattern waiting to be healed. Habits can be modified, tweaked or replaced, especially any that are harmful and hold us back from what we really want.

This resistance to change keeps us stuck in an uncomfortable comfort zone.

We trick ourselves by believing that if change is ‘right’ then it will feel easy and we won’t feel afraid or uncomfortable, which causes us to backslide, often at the points where we’re on the verge of making great leaps. We’re being stretched and it can suddenly seem really daunting to change. We imagine our changed future self and become afraid of too much responsibility. We realise that if we make these changes, we can’t hold on to old patterns or blame the same people or things. We realise that we’re making a commitment, temptying us to hide behind something or someone else so that we don’t have to take the next step or move on to the next stage of our life.

An example of this is when we feel good about key changes we need to make but then we let the unavailable or shady ex slip in, or sabotage a new opportunity like a job or move so that we’re back to being fearful and stressed. That might feel more in line with our old negative beliefs that we’re in truth, trying to distance ourselves from.

Sometimes we fear that the change won’t last and that we won’t be able to cope with future hurt or disappointment, so it feels safer to write ourselves off right now.

On some level we might need a last go-round to force us to awaken to the need for change. It’s often when it becomes too uncomfortable and painful not to change when we stop resisting what in essence boils down to becoming more of who we are.

We are at a time of year when there’s a lot of talk about change and you know what? Change is necessary because when we don’t evolve, we stall emotionally but we also miss out on our own life, however, we’ve got to change for the right reasons.

Podcast Ep.46: Making New Friends, Are They Emotionally Available?, Celebrate You

September 9, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 46, I cover:

Being open to making new acquaintances and friends: My daughters started at their new school this week which means I’m back to not knowing anyone up at school. I find situations like this quite daunting although I’ve learned to overcome my temptation to retreat into myself. I share a few tips that I’ve learned from facing down my awkwardness and fear.

Is your partner emotionally available? Following on from episode 28 where I talked about recognising your own availability, I share ten key questions to help you make sense of a partner’s availability. Of course the things that we seek in others are what we also need to be striving for in ourselves, so these questions can apply to you too. I’ve put them on a handy question sheet which you can download here. Note, on the show I said baggagereclaim.co.uk/46download when it should be 46-download–apologies!

Holiday recap: I’ve had some lovely emails and comments from people who have holidayed on their own and am gradually making my way through them. I share a couple of snippets in the show–both people learned a lot about themselves but one loved their trip and the other hated it but it became a catalyst for massive change.

Listener Question: Samantha wants to know how to broach the topic of taking things slowly re sex.

What I Learned This Week: The things that we criticise ourselves for are the very things that others celebrate or even envy.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

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Life’s Trials Reveal A Part of You That You Didn’t Know Existed (& Why I’m On A Break)

April 1, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

In case you hadn’t guessed already, I’m taking a break. I’m currently on the Spanish island of Majorca on our annual holiday and will be taking some more time out on my return so that I can continue to reboot but to also catch up on some behind-the-scenes stuff.

Eleven years ago, I didn’t know, love or like myself very much and it culminated in me being told that there was no cure for the disease that I’ve now been in remission from for ten years as of this month (yay) and that I needed to go on steroids if I didn’t want to keel over by forty. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have kids and as you all know, I was also grappling with woeful taste in relationships and chronically low self-esteem due to the way I saw myself in relation to childhood experiences. I kept looking for love in the wrong places, searching out my father and even my mother in Mr Unavailables.

I’ve been on one hell of a journey since I walked out of the consultants office in August 2005 with my head held high, determined suddenly for the first time in my life, to fight for myself. I needed to get in command of me. I had no clue how I was going to get better or how I was going to improve my life and I’ll be honest, I got home and thought, Oh feck! What the hell do I do now?, but fear of going down a road I’d already been down or never actually living and enjoying the life I’d been given, far outweighed my fear of taking action.

I made a commitment to myself that I must honour for the rest of my days: to love and take care of me.

My life has changed beyond recognition and I have been guided and supported by trusted folk who have stretched and mentored me as well as a wonderful gang of people around the world who have been following my journey at different stages. I am incredibly blessed but do you know what I’ve discovered over this past couple of years in particular? A part of me, which has been revealed as my work has gathered pace and visibility over the years, has been playing it small.

For anyone who still thinks that self-esteem is a destination, I can attest that it’s very much a journey and that along the way, life will throw you pop quizzes, walk the lines, or lots of these all together in your own Road of Trials, where it feels as if you keep being tested and you’re almost going, Are you fecking SERIOUS? Have I not been through enough? I’m still tired from the last go-round! Do I need to remind you about what I went through in childhood or the heartbreak I’ve been through or my last Road of Trials? This is not fair! I’m a good girl. Why can’t you go after someone who does “bad” things?

The thing is, you end up being tested in such a way that you not only learn a hell of a lot along the way that will help you to live and love better in the future or to even cope with whatever the future holds, but you also as a result of going through these trials and tribulations, discover a part of you that you did not know existed. It’s more of you to love.

Podcast Ep.19: Someone’s Else’s Partner Isn’t For You, Those Pesky Internal Rules, Yeah Yeah Intentions

January 16, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Nat Lue Baggage Reclaim at Splitz charity

Nat in full flow at Splitz

It’s been a very emotional week for me as I received an unexpected acknowledgement and apology about something after 21 years (more in the podcast) but I also had the pleasure of spending the day with survivors of domestic abuse at Wiltshire-based charity, Splitz. I was honoured to spend the day with these warriors talking to them not just about self-esteem and No Contact but also how in retrospect, you look back on your time with someone who you lost yourself with and wonder how the hell you ever took some of their rationale seriously. There was a helluva lot of laughing as I did skits of various scenarios and they also shared stories too. I love that The No Contact Rule gets passed around and read aloud in groups.

On to this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast!

Here’s what I cover in episode 19:

Don’t delay your happiness with an affair: Sometimes we meet someone who we feel a deep attraction and a connection with but…. they’re still in a relationship. I explain why someone else’s partner isn’t the one for you and why it delays happiness and invites problems, pain and guilt into your life.

Change Isn’t Gonna Happen By Following Faux Rules: Many of us have been using rules that we either made up or that were taught to us in childhood. These helped us to cope but are leaving us ill-equipped for adult life. Sure, following the rules at school or with our parents may have helped us get the grades or keep the peace, but we’re not living in a meritocracy environment plus other people are not playing by our rules so we have to get down to the business of being authentic.

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got. QUote by Robert Brault

About intentions and a person not being able to control it: When someone hurts us time and again but they keep going on about their intentions or we reason that they can’t control what they do, it’s time to call time on the BS because it’s not about the intentions, it’s about the repeated result and they do control themselves with others.

Listener Question – Why do have so much difficulty closing the door even though it’s two years post-breakup? After her relationship with a critical and controlling partner ended, this week’s listener has taken time to rebuild her life and her confidence yet can’t help but still wonder if he was right and that there’s something wrong with her.

What Nat Learned This Week: It only took around twenty-one years but I received an acknowledgement and apology about something last weekend and I share why as ‘nice’ as it was to get it, it wasn’t salvation as such and it didn’t change me or really anything, because I’d already made my peace with it–it’s that whole making your own closure by learning to accept an apology and acknowledgement that you never got.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Podcast Ep.9: Breaking Up ‘Nicely’, Not Listening To Our Inner Voice, ‘Right’ Time To Be Exclusive

October 17, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s that time of the week again – there’s a new episode of my podcast, The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. Before I forget– thanks to all of you who emailed in referencing our goldfish. Sadly they both died within a week of each other! The kids were upset but they had a good send off with the girls singing, Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ and, erm, Taylor Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’.

Here’s what I cover in episode 9:

Why do we want to break up ‘nicely’?: It’s not that we should want to give bad breakup but when we focus too much on how we look and managing that person’s opinion of us, ‘nice’ can end up backfiring, resulting in hurting the person far more than we would have done if we’d truly considered their feelings and the fact that it’s a breakup.

Why don’t we listen to our inner voice?: There are reasons why we don’t listen to the voice that represents our true self but if we want to be happier and to feel less at the mercy of our inner critic, we need to start respecting and listening to our inner voice. The 30-Day Project that I mention at the end of the segment is here.

When is the ‘right’ time to be exclusive?: So many people rely on numbers like 3 dates or X amount of weeks or months, or X amount of times slept together, as a gauge for when to be exclusive and this gets in the way of paying attention to the actual experience and getting a sense of what we really want and feel.

Listener Question – What does ‘Be Yourself’ mean?: This week’s listener lost herself in trying to be the ideal partner in her last relationship and is struggling to understand what ‘be yourself’ involves.

What Nat Learned This Week: I’ve been thinking that I’m not a routine person and it turns out that I’m a real creature of habit around food.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.