friends with benefits Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 77: No More Friend Zone, Apology Dodgers, Breaking Up With Your Vision

February 24, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 77, I cover:

The Friend Zone: I explain some of the key reasons for being Friend Zoned including putting on our ‘friend hat’ because we think that the best relationships started out as friends first [and then being surprised that we are only seen as a friend], being focused on coming across in a certain way and so forgetting to be ourselves, and doing so much that there’s no need for it to become a relationship. I also talk about the importance of identifying whether you have a type.

When they don’t apologise: I talk about five key reasons why some people just don’t apologise including believing that apologising for one thing is akin to apologising, not just for other similar transgressions with you, but transgressions with others in their past that they haven’t been willing to apologise for, along with seeing apologising as it making them 100% responsible and you 0%. I also share a few next steps for if it’s you that has a problem apologising.

Breaking up with your vision: When we end a relationship, we’re also breaking up with the vision that we had of ourselves in that relationship, but it doesn’t mean that we’re broken or hopeless.

Listener Question: How do I set boundaries with my patronising and overbearing co-worker?

What I Learned This Week: Everyone’s going through their own struggles and the same person that you’re admiring for something you think you’re not is admiring you for that same thing. The friend I mentioned in this portion was Janet Murray—if you’re running a business (or thinking about it) and get stressy about the marketing of it, she’s your woman!

Links mentioned

Listen to the podcast episode below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. Got a topic you’d love me to cover? Let me know!

Have a great weekend,

Nat xx

Advice Wednesday: I Wasn’t Sure About My Boyfriend But Now That I Am, He Just Wants To Be Casual

August 31, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Lucy asks: I met a sweet, lovely person at work, we fell in love and dated for four months. As I came fresh out of a longer friends with benefits relationship (my partner wasn’t ready to date), I had mixed feelings and sometimes felt rushed. I wanted to take it slowly but didn’t want to disappoint my new boyfriend. Still, I felt some incompatibilities (core values). Eventually I felt sad and confused, and asked for time, but my boyfriend said that would mean breaking up. I thought it through and talked to him honestly and we parted as friends. We saw each other at work. While I was figuring out how I felt, we sometimes hugged etc. Recently, when I realised I didn’t want to go back to my ex (who is now ready to date me), we slept together three times and finally I had the courage to ask him to take me back, but things have changed and he wants to keep his options open now. I understand. He offers friendship, even friends with benefits for a while. I feel like I lost the love of my life, miss him terribly. Should I do No Contact or keep seeing him? We’re no longer workmates.

**********

An ego trap that can cause us to spend time on people and things that would be better left alone, is wanting what we can’t have. When you were in your friends with benefits ‘arrangement’, you wanted him to be your boyfriend but he didn’t want to date. You then had a bonafide boyfriend for a few months but you had mixed feelings and ultimately didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, and then some time after the breakup where maybe the first ex suddenly thought something like, “Whoa! Wait up a second! Lucy isn’t jumping to my beat and she’s not going to make herself available to me if I tell her I’m not ready to date. Ooh, I don’t like this feeling of being out of control. What can I do? Oooh, I know–I’ll say that I’m ready to date”, and then dangled that at you, you decided that you don’t want him but that you now think that the man who you have some incompatibilities around core values with is “the love of [your] life”. Possibly feeling that this was a sure bet because he’d originally wanted things more than you had, he’s now decided that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and is now offering you what you had been discontented with with the previous ex.

This situation is a mess and the truth is, not one of you knows what you really want and that ambivalence is playing out through this friends with benefits game of musical chairs.

Lucy, you were not over your ex when you met your now ex c0-worker and boyfriend. He probably offered sweet respite from waiting around for the person you really wanted to step up and want you for more than just sex and ‘friendship’. You talk about falling in love but you also talk of “mixed feelings”, feeling “rushed” and some “incompatibilities (core values)”. These are not small things and it sounds like you downplayed your concerns and being fast forwarded but it eventually felt too much. Even if you hadn’t gone from one involvement to another, it’s likely that you would have still felt uncomfortable because it didn’t feel as if you were going at a mutual pace and there was too much of a temptation to ignore your feelings and downplay your need for time because you were afraid of disappointing him. When you did finally explain how you felt and asked for time, he said that it would mean breaking up, if anything validating those niggling feelings.

Podcast Ep. 42: Holiday On Your Own, How To Fight When You’re In A Relationship, Moving Past Casual

August 26, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 42:

Holidaying On Your Own: Nearly thirteen years later, I still say that one of the best things I’ve ever done is go away on holiday on my own. I’ve since travelled on my own many times and I share a couple of stories from that first trip and a few tips for getting the most out of your holiday (or ‘vacation’ as Americans call it).

Conflict Resolution For When You’re Part of a Couple: I hear from so many people who struggle with conflict in their relationships, either cutting and running at the first sign of ‘trouble’ or fighting dirty or slipping into other unhelpful habits because of their negative associations with conflict. I share ten tips for navigating conflict when you’re in a relationship.

The Real Frauds Don’t Have Imposter Syndrome: The ones who really are bad at their jobs don’t worry about being a fraud and probably don’t even think they’re doing a bad job!

Listener Question: Dee’s spent the last six years bouncing from casual relationship to casual relationship and has hit rock bottom and wants to know how to begin breaking the cycle now that she knows that she wants a relationship, marriage and kids.

What I Learned This Week: This week I received some news that no person wants to hear and I’m having to learn to accept the way that things have been. Probably the toughest What I Learned This Week that I’ve ever had to share.

A quick heads-up: The next episode (and subsequent ones) of Why Did We Break Up? will be out this Tuesday 30th August 2016 and the usual sessions podcast will remain on a Friday.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

There’s nothing wrong with wanting love and a relationship but the path we choose to achieve our desires has its own consequences

February 12, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I listen to people express their desire for a relationship and romantic love and there are a significant portion of these who come across embarrassed and almost apologetic. They feel as if they have to defend how they feel and what they believe, and some of these people, when confronted with romantic partners who are presenting them with something less than mutually fulfilling, will back away from their desires for the sake of keeping the peace and not wanting to appear “uptight”. Next thing, they’ve been on a permanent date for numerous years with one particular person who keeps flip-flapping in and out of their life or who keeps putting the brakes on any movement. They believe that what they want is wrong or that if they hang in there and keep trying to be as pleasing as possible, that the other party will finally cave and meet their needs, expectations, and wishes.

It’s OK to desire love and a relationship. If we get involved with somebody whose preference is for something else, that doesn’t invalidate our desire. Their preferences are a matter of taste for their life. Imposing theirs upon us, whether it’s them or us doing it, is to carry on as if their preferences are objectively ‘right’.

Sometimes our attitude to relationships reminds me of our attitude to enjoying life and retirement; we work ourselves to the bone and by the time we retire, we might be too frickin worn out with ill health or shrinking energy levels to actually enjoy our lives.

Similarly, we could spend a significant chunk of our life pursuing that one person that we’ve decided will be ‘it’ and that they’re eventually going to make us the exception to the rule or, maybe we’ll chase variations of the same person. If we finally get them to succumb to a relationship, we’ll probably be emotionally exhausted and bankrupt of energy, esteem, and even the the other things that used to matter to us, that it will all be a bit of anti-climax. Is this it?, we’ll wonder.

It’s important to be honest about what we want, not just so that we can be more authentic by being and doing the things that are in alignment with our values including our needs, expectations, and desires, but also so that we can consider how we’re going to go about fulfilling our desires.

We must consider the consequences of the option that we pursue.

Sometimes we get so focused on what we want and the basic premise that, yes, we’re only human and it’s only natural for us to want to love, be loved, and desire companionship, that we forget to consider the fact that there are various options for arriving into a relationship, all with consequences.

Revisted: How To Avoid Being a Passing Time Candidate – 30 Signs That Somebody Isn’t Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You

July 26, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

On the fence. 30 Signs of Disinterest. Photo by Nick Tiemeyer on Unsplash

One of my most frequently asked questions is, How do I know whether he/she is interested in me? What often trips us up, isn’t whether they’re interested in us but what they’re actually interested in us for and whether we have a match. Us humans are inclined to be blinded by the ‘hallmarks’ (gifts, shags, big talk and even being introduced to their parents/friends) but are often left hungry due to the lack of ‘landmarks’ (consistency, balance, progression, commitment, intimacy plus shared values with love, care, trust and respect). When we have the landmarks, we have the interest.

In this post, I share 30 signs of disinterest that not only undermine any perceived landmarks but that also put a serious question mark over any hallmarks.

About this list

In the past, I made a lot of excuses for the behaviours of people that I was involved with, the anxiety that I felt with them and my continued investment. Over the years of writing this blog, I’ve read thousands of comments and emails where we make excuses, rationalise shady stuff, ignore code red and amber alerts and our own needs, and basically linger or even stay rammed stuck in relationships long beyond their ‘use by date’.

We do this all on the basis of a couple of things: the person is still ‘there’ in some capacity and we assume that they have ‘some’ interest that can be made into ‘more’. Cue trying to prove ourselves, seeking validation and attempting to avoid rejection. One of the things that we must do–and by we, I mean both men and women because these issues affect both sexes–is to recognise when someone isn’t interested or is ‘vanilla’ in their interest.

The key here is to avoid splitting hairs about what level of interest they have because it all boils down to two things:

This person is either in or they’re out and they’re either treating you decently or they’re not.

If any of the following signs of disinterest are in your relationship, I’d take a parachute and jump because all 30 of these either on their own or joined up with others make for an unhealthy partnering. You deserve better. Don’t sell yourself short.

Recognise signs of disinterest so that you don’t allow someone to ‘pass time’ with you.

1. They’re not contacting you or are sporadically contacting you.

2. They may not even bother speaking with you and rely predominantly on emails, text messages, and instant messenger.

3. They treat you like an option.

4. They don’t want to put both of their feet in and commit. They’d like you to ‘go with the flow’ even if there is none and not expect beyond that.

5. The relationship doesn’t progress – it goes in fits and starts, stalls, or goes into reverse.

6. They’re keeping you a secret.

7. They tend to be around/call you up when they want something (read: they’re a user). It might be money, attention, an ego stroke, sex, an armchair psychologist, but if you think back to all the times when you’ve heard from them, you may notice that it was a preamble to something.

8. They leave it to the last minute/short notice to make plans. They may not even bother to make last minute plans – they might just show up late at night expecting you to be around.

9. They create drama to hint at their disinterest because they’re hoping that you will do the dirty work and end the relationship.

10. When you’re broken up with them, they get in touch, often in a lazy manner just to ensure that you still jump to their beat. In fact, take the fact that you’re not in a relationship with them as a major sign of disinterest. Don’t make the mistake of thinking they got in touch because they want to get back together.

Saying NO doesn’t mean that you’re screwing someone over

April 26, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Each day I hear from people who agonise over ‘tricky’ decisions such as:

Should I accept the offer of being in a casual relationship when I know that I don’t want it / wouldn’t be able to handle it?

Should I be the Other Woman/Guy?

Should I stay or should I go? This person doesn’t treat me with love, care, trust and respect.

Should I, in fact, can I say NO to something that busts my boundaries?

I regularly emphasise the importance of knowing your own line and exercising your right to say no because for some people it’s as if “no” is a dirty word that’s been erased from their vocabulary.

Here’s the thing: It’s understandable to feel conflicted over a once in a lifetime opportunity or something great that will add value to your life but feeling bad about saying no to something that you’re far from being the only person who can fill that role is like Jedi mind tricking you into a scarcity mentality. It’s as if this person in putting their rinky dinky offer on the table now holds the key to life and your future rests in their hands. Really? Say it with me: they’re just not that special.

When we battle with saying no to something that we’re perfectly within our right to and isn’t in line with our own needs, expectations, boundaries etc, it’s because we’re either operating from a position of believing that the other party is entitled to our yes (they’re not) or because we know what we want to say but have the ‘Should’ Voice of Doubt & Guilt trying to talk over our true selves.

This is your life, your boundaries, your decisions – these people act in their own best interests and you should be able to act in yours. Remember that saying no doesn’t mean that you’re acting in your best interests by screwing someone over. Let them take care of their own stuff and you take care of yours.

Take the friends with benefits / booty call ‘offer’ – what’s to stress about? Due to the nature of what’s being proposed, if you don’t want to do it, it’s no big deal because it’s casual, plus it’s not much of an offer (although it might look like it if you’re not doing much for you) and there are plenty of people about who can fill the role. Genuine dating, progressing on to a mutually fulfilling relationship takes effort, intimacy, commitment etc – casual relationships are low effort and are easily replicable roles. You dignifying this situation by stressing about declining gives the impression that this person is oh-so-special. They’re not! There’s no fire, it’s not your last supper, so stop acting as if you declining to hop on the booty express means that you’re now cut out of the relationship ‘lottery’.

Do we really need to keep screwing around with friendship?

April 24, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Sometimes I catch myself when I’m about to describe someone as a friend when they’re more of an acquaintance or near close to being a stranger and I correct myself. The mutual relationship between friends has become quite cheap in this day and age when you’ve got people who have one thousand friends on Facebook and barely two friends to rub together in real life. It’s not just the friend lists and faux friendships though; it’s the bastardizing of the term and what should be quality, valuable relationships in your life.

We say ‘friends’ to people as an “open sesame” for casual sex.
We claim that we’re ‘best friends’ with someone who we were never actually friends with in the first place but whom it makes the affair behind their partners back more palatable.
We throw around the term ‘friends’ after a breakup to make ourselves feel better… or to pave the way to keeping a foot in the door and having the person we’ve just dumped as a backup plan.
We offer ‘friendship’ to soften the blow even though it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that a friendship isn’t immediately possible when at least one of you has romantic feelings (and possibly keeps trying to pull your pants down).
We accept the offer of ‘friendship’ after a breakup because we don’t want to look ‘immature’ (we’re not) , we’re hoping to sell ’em in on this option and then upgrade them again at a later date, or because we’re worried that people will think that there’s something ‘wrong’ with us if we haven’t got a trophy case of ‘friendships’ with our exes.
We allow ourselves to be influenced, persuaded and even intimidated by people we call ‘friends’ even though they’re more like bullies.

Contradictions: I want to date but I don’t want a relationship but I don’t want to date someone who’s casual either

March 4, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

dating quote casual relationships

Recently, a few people have asked me for advice on a situation that typically goes as follows:

“I’d really like to meet someone for dates / fun / companionship / affection / attention / sex but I’m not looking for a relationship. I like my life right now / I’m still feeling bruised by my previous relationship(s) / I’m super-duper busy and would find it difficult to give myself over to somebody / I have trust issues / I’m really horny / I just don’t want to be on my own. How do I go about meeting somebody? By the way, I don’t want to be with a playa or somebody who treats me casually and they must be _________”–cue list of requirements.

My response tends to go along these lines:

So let me get this right: You want to start dating but you don’t want it to progress into a committed relationship because you like your life too much / you’re emotionally unavailable and basically not over your ex or your past / you’re busier than a president or prime minister / you have difficulty trusting people / you need to get laid / you basically don’t like your own company so are looking for somebody else to give you self-esteem and to shield you from your issues?

You want somebody who doesn’t behave like they’re in a casual relationship or who isn’t flat out avoiding one, to be with somebody (you) that doesn’t want to be in a relationship which would make it casual and who is in fact avoiding a relationship?

Isn’t this a ‘relationship’ all on your terms? Also, if you’re not interested in a relationship, why are there so many caveats and peeves?

You’re Not In Pretty Woman: Do You Believe In The Booty Call ‘Fairy Tale’?

May 9, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

If you’ve stuck like glue to an unhealthy relationship, or have devoted your energies into upgrading a one night stand, booty call, Friends With Benefits or ad hoc fling, into a full time, bonafide committed relationship, it’s safe to say that you very much believe in the fairy tale and the fantasy.

You seek to be the exception to the rule. In fact, you seek love against the odds.

The sheer number of people I hear from who are residing in some sort of sexual hell because they participated in casual arrangements is astounding. Not only does it tell me that there’s a hell of a lot of people out there seeking to be anomalies (which defeats the purpose really), but all of these people have reduced themselves to attempting to be Vivian in Pretty Woman.

Just in case the film has escaped you, single rich guy Edward (Richard Gere) needs an escort for a week of social engagements and picks up Vivian (Julia Roberts), a prostitute, while cruising, I guess because it must have been really hard in the early 90s to be a rich man without a date… They hang out, he thinks she’s doing drugs in his bathroom when she’s really flossing, they sleep together (no kissing), the following day he gives her money to buy clothes for the social engagements, some of the staff are rude, he then takes her on a spree where it’s like giving the bitchy sales assistants the proverbial two fingers, they have a great time while out, he falls in love, at one of the events, his friend figures out that she’s on the game and tries it on, she storms off, packs up her stuff and goes back to her busted up apartment, he swoops in by limo at the end shouting out of the roof of it, then climbs a trellis with a bunch of roses and yada yada yada.

Now I’m not suggesting that there aren’t more than a few escorts that have landed on their feet, but unless you are in that line of business, it’s time to ask yourself why your fairy tale has a beginning of:

“Once upon a time, I lay on my back and decided to go for a casual relationship in the hope that they’d get to know me without ‘pressure’, we’d have a good time, and then they’d basically be unable to survive without me because somewhere between late night texts, the ambiguity, and sometimes the requests to partake in shady sexual shenanigans or even having to compete with others, they fell in love with me.” ?

If you’re the type that really values sex, makes assumptions about what you think is likely to happen as a result of the sexual interaction, and in fact make the dangerous assumption that a sexual connection is an emotional connection which will lead to a love connection, the casual sex trap is waiting to grip you in its lubricated jaws.

Be A Very Good Friend To You First…& Other Thoughts On Being Friends With Your Ex

March 19, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

1. A friendship with a hidden agenda is not mutual or a friendship. Friendship is platonic, so trying to be friends with your ex when what you’re really doing is re-auditioning for your ‘old role’ or even attempting to upgrade from ex bit-part player (read: booty call or friends with benefits) to the lead role, means that not only do you have ulterior motives which in the wrong hands will be at best taken advantage of and at worst abused, but you’re placing you in a very imbalanced and precarious position that will mess with your head and your life.

You won’t truly be able to forge a friendship with an ex until you’re over them. Unless you want to put yourself through all sorts of agony, put ideas of friendship on the backburner and have some healthy space from one another.

2. Eau de Desperation isn’t attractive even when the relationship is over. You’re not that desperate. Really. If you’re going to be friends, do it authentically, not because you’d rather have them on some rather than no terms. It’s like grasping at straws, sometimes pubic ones. When you’re inclined to make judgements about yourself off the back of Other People’s Behaviour, hanging onto the dodgiest of friendships after a breakup is a way of feeling less rejected – stop seeking a rejection retraction. You will only end up feeling worse and this is a time for you to be nurturing you.

3. Friends don’t try to eff you, eff you over, or to eff with your mind. I’m not foolish enough to think that in the first month or so after a breakup that you might not have “…one last shag for old times sake” or see each other at a wedding or wherever months later and have a “drunken one-off”, but an ex pulling The Friend Card and then tapping you for a shag as often as possible, tapping you for money or for an ego stroke behind a new partner’s back, or playing mind games with you? Er, NO.

They’ve taken the first letter in ‘friendship’ and run in an entirely different direction.

Sex with an ex can seem like the easiest option as it’s ‘familiar’, ‘comfortable’ and let’s be real, ‘easier’ than going out there and having to put in all that effort for a ‘new’ person, but guess what? When the sex is over, you’re still an ex. Also – and you’d be surprised how many fall for this – the fact that they want to shag you or you’ve shagged doesn’t mean you’re getting back together!

Let me tell you straight – if an ex wants to get back together with you, they won’t pull down your pants first.

As for being screwed over or them pulling some mind f*ckery on you – rest assured that if someone pulled all sorts of rinky dink behaviour on you when you were together, they will do it to you when you’re apart. Don’t give them any room in your life. Stop trying to understand them and stop giving them chances – unless you go around screwing people over and being manipulative or even narcissistic, you will never understand them.

Actions Matching Words in a Nutshell: If You Haven’t Got a Match, You Haven’t Got a Healthy Relationship But You Do Have Problems

October 14, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I see so many people practically getting a Ph.d in investigating what someone said but didn’t back up with words, or investing themselves in something that looks like a relationship but the other party has said things to the contrary, that I felt it was time to break it down.

If the person appears to behave like they’re in a relationship by exhibiting the hallmarks of one such as spending time with you, sleeping together, introducing you to people, acting like you’re in a relationship, but then says that they don’t want to commit, that you’re “just friends” or ‘Friends With Benefits’, or denies that you’re even together, or says they’re not ready, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, their budgie died when they were five, or whatever, if you continue, you’re ignoring the fact that their words don’t stack up with what you believed to be the actions of a relationship.

This is basically not seeing the wood for the trees because you’ll be telling yourself that action speaks louder than words, as if having the hallmarks of a relationship without the landmarks of one, trumps someone essentially disrespecting you and your relationship. You don’t realise they are lessening their responsibility, managing down your expectations, and telling you that you have the wrong end of the stick. “This isn’t a relationship so whatever you’re reading into things, it doesn’t hold the same meaning for me. I don’t feel the same way.”

It’s time to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with someone who will shag you, get an ego stroke, play house etc but then say things that completely contradict that? When they say stuff like “I don’t see myself settling down with you”, you must be thinking “What the what now? Pur-lease! They don’t know their own mind!” That’s like thinking they’re a bit thick and need some hand holding in the relationship department.

However, when someone says any of this “I don’t want a relationship” and other such BS that contradicts their so-called action, it’s a get out clause and forewarning. If you continue, they assume you know the deal and recognise that how they’re acting is with a backdrop to what they originally said. They haven’t changed their mind.

On the flipside, I come across an incredible number of people who are sold on the wing and a prayer of words. Some have been interacting with people who have never had their actions match the words that come out of their mouth for over five decades. That’s some heavyweight Future Faking with an even heavier does of denial, rationalising, and minimising.

When you allow someone to persistently and consistently talk a good game without delivering, it’s like allowing them to bend over in your life and fart an incredible amount of hot air.

You may be thinking “Oh but they said it so they surely must have intended it” or “People who don’t love you or don’t want a relationship don’t talk like they’re in a relationship” or “They must say this stuff because they intend to do it and then it must be something about me that’s making them not do it so if I love them enough and become a loveable person then they’ll finally come up with the goods”. These people are a violation of the Trade Descriptions Act while selling you goods under deception.