Future Faking Archives - Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

They Didn’t Change; You Just Got To Know Them

October 4, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Picture it, Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt, 2005 (pulling my best Sophia from Golden Girls imitation): It’s just one month before I would have the epiphany that would cause me to change my life and a couple of months before I would start writing Baggage Reclaim. I’m on holiday with one of my best pals and we’re looking for a club to go to after spending time in a bar dancing to Gorillaz’ ‘Dare’ (epic tune) and giggling at two guys who were wearing matching trainers that made them look like they were wearing flippers.

Anyway… I digress…

So, we walk along the strip and after checking out a few places, we stop at this club with a plasma screen outside that was playing what we thought was live footage of the jam-packed club inside. The guy was doing a hard sell, and to be fair, the footage was pretty compelling and he made out like he was doing this amazing deal for us. You can guess what happened next–we got inside to discover that we were two of about eight people in the bloody place! We were fuming!

With the benefit of the 20:20 vision that is hindsight, it would have served us well to ask if the video was live footage of what was going on inside and actually, it was quite obvious that he was doing a hard sell.

Now, the thing is, I see this whole inviting-plasma-TV-outside-a-club scenario all the time in dating and relationships.

When we’ve just met someone or we’re in the early stages of dating, or we’re setting out on our new relationship, we sometimes get what we think is a dazzling preview of the amazingness to come.

They’re so full-on and are painting this picture of being The Perfect Potential Boyfriend/Girlfriend TM or The Perfect Potential Spouse, that we reason that this is what we can expect from them in the future.

When days (yes, really), weeks or months down the line, they seem to do a complete u-turn on who they presented as or what they promised, we’re baffled, wounded and stuck on this notion that we just need to get things to go back to how they were ‘in the beginning’.

This spot of what I call Future Faking (building up and faking a future so they can get what they want in the present) and Fast-Forwarding (being emotionally, physically etc., intense to speed you through the early stages of dating), messes with our heads.

The people pleaser in us cannot help but blame it on us having done something to scare them away as if character and intentions leave a person as quickly as they can drop their drawers to the ground. We then try to overcompensate for what will undoubtedly be becoming an unfulfilling partnering and feel as if we’re getting increasingly diminishing returns in a relationship where it used to be so ‘easy’.

The whole experience can erode our confidence and cause us to be skittish about subsequent involvements and prone to settling for less than what we need. It’s as if we reason that if we go low in terms of expectation that it’s safer than going ‘high’ and getting disappointed, only you’d be amazed how when we lower our expectations into crumb territory that not only can we be disappointed, but it wounds us even more.

Jaysus, how much lower do I have to go to get some love up in here?

Expectations are our strong beliefs about what we think will and should happen.

We believe that we have experience of them meeting our expectations so we don’t understand why they can’t go back to how it was ‘back then’. The thing is, they weren’t meeting our expectations in the beginning—it was a brand new involvement where we did not know them.

They didn’t change; you just got to know them.

In some cases, it’s not they changed but more that we got to know them a teeny bit more that they were in very real danger of us seeing past the pomp and bluff.

In the early days, they could pretty much tell us anything and as long as it was positive and fitted with our picture of how things should and could be, we’d go along with it.

They also go so hard at it in trying to woo us and win us over that instead of wondering why they have to be so frickin’ OTT, we allow ourselves to create this unrealistic expectation that someone could blow in on the wind and make a bunch of inferences and promises without having really got to know us, and that they’ll deliver it from now until forever.

Of course, that’s why we feel so wounded because ‘in the beginning’, they didn’t know us so ipso facto, it must be ‘knowing’ us that caused them to do a u-turn.

But, like the guy outside the club displaying a plasma screen of dated footage that probably didn’t even take place in his own club while doing a hard sell on getting us in there, isn’t it time that we acknowledge that actually, it’s a fundamental lack of integrity and maturity?

That, and yes, we can stand to ask more questions or to quite simply know our pace and what we want so that we can’t be bulldozed by someone into going at a pace that doesn’t match our values.

Dodgy club guy knew that he was pulling a fast one.

And, I hate to break it to you, but people who go all super intense on you at the beginning and try to speed through the getting to know, have form for their behaviour. It’s not the first time they’ve behaved this way and they’re stuck in their own getting high on romance Groundhog Day while avoiding the true intimacy of taking one’s time.

You also, if you’ve been in this situation, have to acknowledge a fundamental truth: that you don’t like what you got to know or that it’s certainly not what you want(ed).

Sure, you can take responsibility for allowing you to get swept up in their shenanigans and you can acknowledge anything that influenced those choices, but what you must stop doing is blaming your worth or something you said/did on their lack of integrity and maturity.

Even if my friend and I had asked whether the footage that was being shown on the screen was live, it wouldn’t change the fact that he was trying to screw us over in the first place.

Your thoughts?

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The Pop-Up Relationship: The Temporary Romance That Expires & Never Develops

March 15, 2017 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Have you ever spent time with somebody who gives amazing date and yet, afterwards it’s crickets? I did that on and off for four years. Honestly, if you’d met us on dates, wearing the face off each other and barely able to keep our hands to ourselves, laughing and putting the world to rights, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we were madly in love. Sadly, as I mentioned in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, we’d have The Best Date Ever TM™ and then he’d go dark until next time.

I recently chatted with Margie who has been ‘seeing’ (I use that word loosely) a guy for two years where they have The Best Date / Weekend Ever ™ every 4-6 weeks or so. She thinks they have an amazing connection but is very concerned about how she’s on a permanent date with this guy when she technically wants to be in a serious relationship and settle down and have a family. The funny thing is though, is all they have is these dates/weekends. That’s it. There’s no actual relationship in between. They exchange texts here and there but after 2 years, even that’s on the wane.

It is now an established pattern that they can have a date or a weekend and that he will disappear, and that she will be right there when he is looking for entertainment again in the future.

In theory, walking away seems easy, after all, why would she want to keep seeing somebody who, in the space of 2 years has spent the same amount of time with her that someone else would do in the space of a few months?

Margie focusing on the feelings that she experiences on the dates has blinded her to what she feels afterwards. It is a rollercoaster and she harbours a fantasy that one day he’s going to come to her and say, ‘Baby, thank you for your patience over this last two years. I’ve decided you’re the one and I want to be with you every day and live happily ever after. Let me knock you up this minute’— not.gonna.happen.

When a relationship pops up for a short period of time and then disappears again, it’s a pop-up relationship or even pop-up romance.

Advice: Why Did He Agree To Meet Me After 20 Years Just To Mess Me About?

November 30, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Alison asks: I recently visited a friend I hadn’t seen in twenty years. We had the briefest of hook-ups a long time ago that I vaguely remember as him not being able to ‘perform’, but it was still loving and caring. He’s smart, funny, insightful and back then gave me some advice that turned my world around.

I had not been in touch with him in all this time as we live in different countries and only reconnected just before I planned to visit his country. At the end of my trip, we planned four days together. I think he Future Faked me by writing how he’d thought of me and our connection over these years, on how he felt about me and that we would become ‘we’ on this visit. The visit really built up in my mind and then of course, when we met it was as though he wished he wasn’t there.

He talked a lot about himself and was cool to me. Aside from a hug and one moment of holding my hand, he never touched me. It was bizarre. I asked him about it and he got very angry and said, “What’s the urgency?”. Later when I asked why he agreed to meet me, he told me that he never asks why. I then went so far as to read one of his emails back to him and he said, “Well, I would be happy to receive an email like that!”. Sure, if the person who wrote it followed through. He also seemed to get very angry that I remembered the life-changing advice he gave me 20 years ago. It was so troubling. I have absolutely no idea what happened. When I left his country a week ago I said, “Have a nice life. Goodbye!” and that was the end of it. I haven’t heard from him and am pretty certain I won’t. I feel confused, angry, and hurt, like I was sucker-punched. What the hell happened?

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On a recent episode of the HBO/Sky Atlantic series, ‘Insecure’, when Molly introduces her hot, new guy who she’s only been on one date with to her friends at an engagement party, and they refer to him as her ‘boyfriend’, he goes along with it, causing Molly to feel rather excited. Alone at the bar afterwards, Chris essentially says that he could see her desperation so he was happy to fill that role for her but that it essentially should be oh-so-obvious to her that they’re not a couple.

Your pen not-so-much-of-a-pal, Alison, is quick with words, light on action.

He’s the type of person who’d give someone The Best Date Ever TM because he wants to feel good about not wanting to take it further. When the date feels confused about why they haven’t heard back, especially in light of what they thought was the “amazing chemistry”, he rationalises that at least he made sure he gave them a good time and goes on his merry way.

He’s insincere. What does he think you are? A charity that needs old flames to send love letters so that you can keep up the will to live? What’s the point in sending the letter if it’s fiction?

I think you hold him in too high an esteem. I’m not saying that you have to think of him an assclown, it’s just that a lot can change in twenty months never mind twenty years.

There you are thinking of him as your very own Buddha (or Yoda) and he doesn’t either recall what he said to you or rate its importance. Now at the end of the day, if advice he gave was life-changing, that won’t be changed by this recent fracas, but he’s either not the man you thought he was or he’s not the man he used to be. It’s also time to recognise that you’re not that woman anymore either.

Advice Wednesday: I Tried To Escape My Grief With An Affair–What Do I Do Now?

November 23, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Salma asks: I recently miscarried. My husband wasn’t supportive and we’d been having problems for a while. I felt useless, ugly and to cut a long story short, ended up meeting an attached man online. I told him I was not looking for anything but friendship but he pursued me for weeks until I gave in – and he didn’t just want my body, he wanted my heart. He wanted me to leave my husband and pretended to be upset when I said we were going to go for counselling. He paraded as the perfect boyfriend… but there were a couple of times he blew me off, including one day we were supposed to meet in his city but instead I was left alone with nowhere to stay and didn’t hear from him until some rubbish in the evening.

After that, I ended it, despite his excuses to try to keep it going. I have occasionally stalked his girlfriend’s Instagram since, which gave me all the answers. He was of course manipulating me all along. I realise now he was with her that day he abandoned me and that he had instead driven 150 miles to see her and knew what he was doing to me. I’ve blocked both of them on social media, but I feel so devastated and don’t know what to do with myself. My friends are supportive but not with me all the time. I am trying to work on things with my husband but I feel like such a moron. Please help.

********************

I’m so sorry for your loss, Salma. Miscarrying is a traumatic loss that’s so under-recognised, with many women feeling as if they can’t talk about it. This can be incredibly isolating.

One of the toughest places to be emotionally is to feel as if you’re struggling or even drowning and yet your partner either isn’t noticing or is standing there watching but, how you feel and perceive might represent what the person is doing but equally it might not.

Many of us fall into the trap of expecting our partner to mind read or to get it “right” even when they themselves are flailing. We get mad at them for disappointing us by not being perfect and for not being able to intuitively understand everything we need without us having to be vulnerable and show and tell.

What we don’t always acknowledge is where we have hinted instead of going the distance and where we have expected them to know the answers even when we ourselves don’t. We also don’t always acknowledge where we are mad at them for not fixing feelings that might be of our own creation–our self-criticism and the knock-on effect of it.

You were looking for more than friendship when you began communicating with the Other Man. You wanted to feel purposeful, interesting, attractive and hopeful–the opposite to how you feel in your marriage.

You have looked for an external solution to an internal problem (the relationship itself and the inner turmoil that you’re going through). He was someone to numb your pain or to act as an ‘upper’.

Anyone can be the “perfect boyfriend” when they don’t exist, which is what happens when you’re in a fantasy situation and that includes when it can’t be a real relationship because neither of you are ‘out of contract’ from your existing relationships. It’s a bit like how some people look like the perfect candidate for the job until they actually start doing the job. He was “perfect” until he had to be real.

This was a simulated relationship and that was part of the attraction.

We Need To Talk About: ‘Ghosting’ In The Early Stages of Dating

February 8, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

IF SOMEONE DISAPPEARS ON YOU, THEY'D BETTER STAY DISAPPEARED. NO POPPING IN AND OUT LIKE THE HOKEY COKEY. I recently delved into the topic of ‘ghosting’, which is when someone who you’ve had an intimate relationship with disappears. But of course disappearing isn’t limited to ‘full-on’ relationships: ghosting is something that many people have experienced with dating plus it happens with friendships and even with family—my father ‘ghosted’ me after I got married and it took a couple of months for it to register and when it did, it floored me. Anyway…, today’s post focuses on dating.

It’s highly likely if you’ve been around the dating block a few times, that you’ve ghosted–I know I have. The pleaser in me felt as if I ‘should’ reciprocate interest but I didn’t want to. I feared making him feel bad (because I would then feel bad), as well as confrontation, so I ignored his texts/calls about a third date. Several months later, he’s stood on the opposite tube platform and I hid beneath my carriage window cringing with shame. After that I vowed not to dodge texts and calls and I stuck to it, even when he was a Mr Persistent. I knew with the latter that my only option was to be direct rather than dodging and once I knew that I’d been direct, I was free to ignore any texts or calls after that.

Ghosting is especially rife in the early stages of dating because in a time where someone might juggle multiple contacts due to apps and websites, or where their heads are easily turned due to a plenty of fish in the sea mentality, some argue that surely they can’t be expected to break up with or at least give a heads-up to each person they date. It’s like, “Don’t oblige me with other people’s emotions! But make me feel good!”. And actually, it’s also fair to say that not everyone wants to hear back from every date that doesn’t work out. A lot of the time, we can work things out for ourselves (if we were present rather than auditioning on the date).

Back in olden times, it was understood that if we didn’t hear back after a first or early date, it was a no-go. If they didn’t call after one-nighter or fling, although we’d likely feel a bit hurt and disappointed (especially if they were giving it the big talk while we were shagging our brains out), we’d still get the gist–it’s a no-go.

Disappearing was real and horrible in olden times and it still is, only some of us have Columbo tendencies so we have the added pain that comes with checking to see if they’re online or stalking Facebook.

What’s the Craic With Ghosting? (And no, it’s NOT the same as No Contact!)

January 25, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When we need to break up with someone, there’s a temptation when we are faced not just with the prospect of acknowledging a partner’s position and how we might be impacting them, but also with the prospect of seeing and hearing them, to dodge the conversation. Some people feel this way but face it down. Some people drop hints in the hopes that by hinting at issues or behaving badly, that the other person will do their dirty work. And some people disappear or what is commonly referred to as ‘ghosting’.

Ghosting is when a person disappears because they would rather do that than 1) be honest and direct, 2) face their partner’s feelings and reactions or 3) be open to recognising either their part in things or that they can’t be Mr or Miss Comes Up Smelling of Roses.

Over the last few months, I’ve heard from an increasing number of readers referring to ‘ghosting’ or being ‘ghosted’ and it’s important to get something clarified right off the bat:

Ghosting is not a form of breaking up nor is it the same as No Contact.

Ghosting is disappearing. Breaking up is when a person ends the relationship and No Contact is for after a breakup when it becomes apparent that healthy boundaries are not possible and that remaining in contact is destroying sense of self and the ability to process the loss and move forward. The only exception to No Contact happening post-breakup is if it’s an abusive relationship.

Disappearing isn’t exactly a display of courage and we are most likely to do it if we’re not emotionally mature or available.

Sure, it’s uncomfortable to let someone down, to admit that this isn’t what we want anymore or that our feelings have changed or whatever our reason is, but it’s also necessary. It’s how we not only build up our being human muscles but it’s also how we develop our relationships.

People who disappear / ‘ghost’ learn nothing because they edit and erase themselves out of relationships so that they don’t have to confront anything. It’s not even necessarily about doing things from a ‘bad’ place (although there are some incredibly shady people who employ ‘ghosting’ so that they never face consequences and instead press the reset button); it’s about doing things from a place where fear, cowardice or excessive concern about how we look or our discomfort, trumps integrity and compassion.

I’ve talked to a number of ghosters and all reason that they didn’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. Really? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that granted, feelings do get hurt in a breakup but disappearing sucks.

What a ghoster fails to acknowledge is that they are motivated to cut and run because they don’t want to hurt their own feelings. They end up throwing their partner under a proverbial bus all so that they can box away their feelings and draw a line under things, on their terms.

Podcast Ep. 10: Future Faking, Options With Tricky Family Members, Yikes! Another Favour!

October 24, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for the weekly episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast.

Remember in episode 7 when I faced my fear of confrontation and told my mama that we’re doing our own thing for Christmas? I’ve been getting the cold freeze ever since! I chuckled away to myself as I put together the image for this post because it’s what all sides of my family are like, and a family that never wants to talk about or own up to anything can leave you feeling as if your options are very limited – this is one of the topics in this week’s show.

I don't need to talk - we're family! I don't explain, I don't apologise. Now, let's go back to pretending that I haven't crossed your boundaries... So, anyway... Why haven't you found someone yet? Is it because you're picky, as usual?

Here’s what I cover in episode 10:

What’s the craic with Future Faking?: Does the person who uses talk of the future to get what they want in the present, do it intentionally? I talk about the intentional Future Fakers and the ones who lack self-awareness but still need to take responsibility, plus I explain why experiencing someone like this needn’t cost you your faith in people. | More posts on Future Faking.

Feeling as if we have limited options with tricky family members: When we don’t get on with our family member, we can feel as if we’re stuck in a bad situation with only three unpalatable options available to us. I talk about these and explain why there are options beyond this once you bring healthy boundaries into the mix. | The 30-Day Project I mention is Dealing With Tricky Family Members.

Me again? Dealing with that certain someone who keeps asking you for favours: Most of us don’t mind helping out a friend in need but what do we do when it becomes apparent that they’re taking liberties? I explain what a favour is, where it can be misconstrued on one or both sides, and what to do if you’re feeling taken advantage of but struggling to find your no.

Listener Question – I’m not sure if I’m jealous or envious: This week’s listener wants to know the difference between the two after encountering issues with a friend.

What Nat Learned This Week: Helping my two daughters navigate and deal with their feelings about learning and making mistakes has given me some fresh reminders about being vulnerable enough to be open to finding out what I don’t know.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud, iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.
Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Are you hoping to strike gold as soon as you get on a dating website?

May 12, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Back in the day when I first started blogging (can’t believe it’s about to be eleven years – eek!), I briefly dabbled with using a website to meet a potential date. I describe it this way because the term ‘online dating’ is so misleading; they are introduction websites, not some sort of technology that we can use to simulate a relationship, though goodness knows many thousands try. Until we meet and date a ‘prospect’, they are just that and we are essentially at ‘stage 0’ until such time. All the texting, calling, IM’ng, sexting and whatever else in the world, won’t change that but it will ensure that we build sandcastles in the sky and overload ourselves with assumptions that will ultimately leave us with an Imagination Hangover and a sense of being misled by our ‘feelings’.

Anyway, I digress…

When I put up my profile, it was minus a photo with a bit about me and specifying that I was only interested in a relationship and the age range was 25-34 (I was 27 at the time). I heard from guys right up to seventy years old and received a lot of messages and winks. I found the experience so bizarre that I decided that I didn’t have the patience for it (I would have ended up firing off replies with just, RTFP in them (read the effing profile). Almost all of the messages were inappropriate (too forward) with some being explicit. I’ve always been a bit of a Cautious Carol, so in much the same way that I shied away from drugs when pals were off their face on E’s, coke and speed because I figured I’d be the statistic that would keel over, I also figured I’d be the one who ended up going on a date and being found under a carpet in some dingy flat somewhere.

I’m not crazy about dating (introduction) websites because many people who are actually looking for love and a relationship, have underlying expectations that essentially set them up for a fall. It’s not the technology; it’s the way that people use it and the chaos and pain that results. Putting aside the shady folk that misrepresent themselves online and the persistent collectors of attention, many of the people I hear from, see these websites as an opportunity to meet people in a ‘safe’ way (i.e. in a way that involves less vulnerability and is less time/energy hungry), after all, these days, all we have to do is swipe from left to right or do a few clicks instead of dolling ourselves up and dragging ourselves out to various social occasions while keeping a hopeful/hungry look on our faces.

If we have our feet planted fairly firmly in reality and we know who we are and are relatively personally secure, trying to meet potential partners online can actually be an enjoyable experience albeit punctuated with gritted teeth moments from dealing with time wasters and inappropriate folk, but if going online in an attempt to meet people is a means of avoiding vulnerability, of escaping ourselves, of looking for attention and basically external solutions to our internal issues, we can unwittingly end up feeling aggrieved because we on some level hoped to strike gold immediately or very quickly.

We inadvertently feel entitled to not be disappointed and to be made an exception to the rule of the ‘online dating’ experience that many millions have to go through.

Who do you know in this century, no scratch that- this decade, who met up with the first person they linked up with online and lived happily ever after? What are the odds? Even the people I know who met online in the late nineties encountered some foolishness and effery before that happened!

Why do we go on a site like Plenty of Fish or apps like Tinder or the myriad of sites and apps out there, and expect to strike gold?

I know it would be “great” to have a series of dubious relationships or go through a painful breakup or other loss and then go online or open up an app and come across somebody you like the look of and then shazam, you hit it off and ride off into the sunset as a reward for all of the pain and suffering you went through before that, but that’s not how it works!

As I’ve said many a time before, you practically need Columbo/Jessica Fletcher skills combined with hide of rhino to use these websites, or at the very least, you need to not have a do or die attitude about it as if finding somebody online or in fact, finding somebody full stop, is going to be your salvation, because that’s a recipe for Fast Forwarding and Future Faking (by you and them) as well as codependency and pain.

If we approach dating post breakup with the same (or even worse) mentality that we had in previous relationships, we stand to replicate the same problems. Expecting to ‘strike gold’ with somebody who is already being far too forward or who we haven’t met yet, or who we have not consistently spent enough time with in real life to see them unfold so that we can get an accurate reading, is a guarantee of a rude but necessary awakening.

Rather than us holding on to feeling angry, resentful, wounded and disappointed that we didn’t ‘strike gold’ immediately and that we have to actually take our time and opt out of anything that doesn’t align with who we are, we have to turn these understandable frustrations into the valuable turning points that they are. We must get grounded. We must take a few moments to reflect and have an honest conversation about what we’re trying to do. We must home in on whether we are able to deal with the emotional consequences of engaging virtually with strangers because if we have a tendency to to see potential very quickly or to feel attached very quickly, we have a duty of care to go slower and to recognise those signs in us so that we can be more self-aware and pay attention. We have to also be willing to note any recurring themes that come up with the people or situations so that our blind spot is no longer a blind spot. If messaging, attention, or sex (or whatever) is our kryptonite, these (or the prospect of them) have got to be our cue to be conscious, aware, and present.

When we have a strike gold mentality with dating whether we’re meeting people on or offline, we are coming from a place of fear; it’s a sense of scarcity and fear that a relationship might not be coming to us. That’s not a good space to be in not least because we end up spinning our wheels and being so ‘on’ the prospect of it that we’re blinded and keeping ourselves away from something good because we’re too eager to chase after anything and everything.

Recovering from somebody doing a U-turn on their feelings or proclaimed intentions

February 26, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

When we’re confronted with the realisation that our partner has done a U-turn on previously expressed feelings and plans, it’s understandable to feel horribly confused, disappointed, and more than a tad wounded. We may decide that it’s our fault and that something about us is unpalatable and rejectionable. We often jump to the conclusion that people don’t talk about their feelings or make plans with you unless they mean it, and then convince ourselves that we’ve provoked their current attitude and behaviour.

As an initial reaction, making it about us is to be expected. It’s our egos doing the talking and we subconsciously run through our mental Roladex of other unsavoury associations that we have with feeling less than, or being rejected, hurt, or disappointed, and end up reliving that pain. As an ongoing response or a typical habit, it’s dangerous.

If we don’t get conscious, aware, and present, and discern what’s going on, we make dodgy decisions and adjust our thinking and behaviour to accommodate the self-judgement. We try to influence and control their feelings and behaviour with people pleasing so that we get a rejection retraction and the preferred ending.

We are not going to solve a damn thing by taking ownership of their feelings and behaviour. It will muddy the waters even further – we won’t know where we end and they begin. It also sets a precedence that’s difficult to recover from if it’s not nipped in the bud. How is a remotely healthy relationship going to blossom, if each time we encounter problems and disappointment, we disappear into the past and lose ourselves? They also don’t end up having to account for the fact that they haven’t come up with the actions to go with the words; they’re sheltered from reality.

A U-turn in our relationship is an alarm bell symptom telling us to have an honest conversation with this person and to also check in with us and get grounded.

A relationship that’s going to go somewhere requires vulnerability and that at times means owning up when we’re scared and owning up when we’ve erred.

Did they just do a U-turn? When a person overestimates their level of interest or capacity for commitment

February 22, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When we’re not boundaried with our time and we tell people what we think that they want to hear, we can end up overcommitted, over-scheduled, and overwhelmed. It’s a time management issue stemming from people pleasing – a mix of relieving tension (even if it’s due to our overactive imagination or being triggered), along with wanting to make others feel good, plus attempting to control their opinion of us. Flip that habit over to dating and relationships and there are some clues about why somebody may do a U-turn on declared feelings and intentions.

Sometimes a person overestimates their level of interest or capacity to commit.

When we’re on the receiving end of this and the big claims and promises don’t prove to be true, we feel damn bloody upset (and rightly so), but it’s important as we traverse the complicated mix of emotions that these situations bring up, along with what can seem like a mental travelator of unpleasant thoughts mixed with bittersweet memories that make us ponder, What was real? What was fake? Am I fool?, that we don’t clobber ourselves for it not working out.

An expression of feelings (or plans) isn’t a contract. What we express and the level of understanding about that expression, represents our understanding at that time. A self-aware person has enough self-knowledge to express those feelings with intention, integrity, and awareness for follow-through. They don’t say things lightly or off the cuff. They know if they have those feelings because they’re for instance, falling for us, or whether part of what they’re feeling is about escaping something else or looking for us to be the solution to something internal.

Even though feelings and plans aren’t a contract – it’s not as if a person says that they like us and they’re contracted to do so forever – that doesn’t absolve each of us from being conscientious and responsible. This doesn’t mean taking ownership of other people’s feelings and behaviour and micro-managing ourselves, but it does mean not being reactive or running purely on feeling. It means considering the consequences and expectations that come with what we communicate to others.

Some people take a considered approach because while they’re not making any grand claims that this is exactly how they’re going to feel in 2050, they know themselves enough to know that what they feel is real, true, and sustainable, not just a momentary or short-term thing that will wane as soon as real life kicks in.

They’re also not hyping and selling.

When a person is, for example, cheating on their partner or spouse and making declarations to us and putting forward plans, they’re fantasising. They’re also selling the dysfunction. It’s better to say that they’re crazy about us (hence why they’re engaged in lying and deception) than it is to say that we’re a form of escape or an ‘upper’, or even somebody that anaesthetises them.

If someone lacks self-awareness and is looking to prompt feelings in others in order to gain validation or to even bask in the way that they’re being seen by that person, they’ll say things in the moment that don’t really reflect what they feel in the main or their ability to commit. As I said to someone the other day, “If you don’t want a relationship with him and are unable to commit, why are you telling him that you love him?” This is where a person can fall into the trap of using their feelings (and ego) to act as if they have a proprietary right to a person… even when they have nothing of substance to give.

They don’t realise that there needs to be the deeds to go along with the sentiments.

Some people overestimate their interest or capacity for commitment because they like how they look on us. They might feel that saying all of this stuff is how you woo somebody and compete in this ‘market’ (read: dating). They don’t want to miss out. It’s similar to people who list a property as a three-bedroom when it’s a two-bedroom with a dining room.

Sometimes a person overestimates because they really want to believe, either because they’re very attracted to us and want to possess us and/or because they’ve been through tough times.

When it’s about possession, they mistake being out of control for love, and may also believe that in possessing us, that they will feel a certain way or that certain problems will disappear. When they don’t, rather than recognise the flawed thinking and deal with that, they say, that they haven’t found their perfect person yet.

When it’s about their past, we can inadvertently become a form of escape where they convince themselves that they’re ready, that they’re finally going to forget about the past, and as a result, they big themselves up or they go all out on the big ticket commitment items such as engagement or moving you in. Sometimes they’re pressured about their recovery time and sometimes they feel what may be pressure from their loved ones or are comparing themselves to others.

They move in haste so that they don’t have time to think or even fully feel what’s going on.

Then real life kicks in, possibly along with feelings of inadequacy and the realisation that they’re still afraid and affected by those things from the past that have held them back before. They worry about getting things wrong or things going wrong. It seems safer to sabotage and bring things to an underlying foregone conclusion (the self-fulfilling prophecy) or just straight up make a fast exit.

There’s often this unrealistic expectation that things have to be perfect just like at the beginning (when it’s new and both parties haven’t unfolded or had to truly follow through on commitment), and when reality bites, they panic.

I hear from so many people who are living with or engaged to somebody, or who were introduced to family or friends, or who went on holiday or whatever it was, only to suddenly find themselves left with the shell of the person they met or an empty hole where they their Road Runner-style exit, often hitting The Reset Button on the way.

It’s as if this person woke up one day, and maybe it was seeing their partner move things around in the house so that they could fit their stuff in and make it ‘theirs’ or maybe it was the first quarrel, but whatever it was, they’ve woken up and done the equivalent of thinking, Sh*t’s got real! What the hell have I done?

What do we do when we’re scared? We seize up. We start behaving unusually. It manifests itself in various ways even though we often think it’s hidden.

We love and we want to be loved and sometimes, our desire to feel connected, or to not feel pain that we haven’t quite dealt with and healed from yet, gets in the way of that. We say and do things that in retrospect, didn’t need to be said. We do things, not really to show and give our love to others but because we want to make some sort of point to ourselves or generate something from them, and when we do this, we end up hurting not loving. We are reckless with our choices and our words.

If you’ve been hurt by someone’s overestimating, it’s understandable to feel shaken and wary. This is why it’s vital not to go too fast or to be swept up because if they slam on the brakes, it’s a rather painful awakening. In these situations, you have to slow right down and gauge the situation – and that’s what I’m going to talk about in my next post.

Your thoughts?

Despite ‘good points’, we deal with the consequences of people coming as full packages

October 1, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Any toxic relationship that I’ve been involved in, has always kept going due to me essentially cherry-picking what I wanted to remember about the person and the relationship whether romantic or otherwise. While I did spend most of my life feeling wounded by my father’s absence and the sporadic periods or even moments spent with him, what I mostly remembered was how I felt around him and the happy times, which of course there were some but I’d admittedly romanticised the hell out of them. I’d selectively remember spending visitations with him and how thrilled I always was to see him, but I’d conveniently forget how we used to sit on the side of a cricket pitch or in some pub and how I’d have to pretend that I didn’t want to spend real quality time with him. I wanted to be involved instead of being an observer or accessory.

I was a sucker for a returning Mr Unavailable. Suddenly my resentment, hurt, frustration and all of the things that I’d identified as being unhealthy or unsuited to me were forgotten and instead I’d press the Reset Button and be back to the time before they first started showing signs of who they were and what was to come. Each time one particular ex that I dated on and off for four years and saw a handful of times a year phoned (this started around 96/97 so it was all landlines and radio silence in between), I only remembered possibilities, how I wanted to feel, and what I perceived as his good points – tall, made me laugh, good looking, clever, smelled of Polo Sport, good kisser. It clearly didn’t take much! What I didn’t remember – he vanished after each date despite making out that we were imminently seeing each other again, he was ridiculously ambiguous, sometimes pretentious, talked a lot and mostly about himself, and he did a couple of really disingenuous things that communicated that he wasn’t to be confided in.

I also returned to a highly toxic relationship that left me anxious, unable to sleep, and questioning everything about me right down to my race and I’ve given out more chances to other exes because basically I’d forget the downside of being with and around them.

Even if we focus on a person’s good points, we will always deal with the consequences of them coming as a full package.

And this is ultimately where anyone who has ever tried to remain with or get back together with somebody for the ‘good points’ ends up feeling the pain: They remain or go back because they’re blinded to the whole package due to wanting to reap the benefits of those points. They represent potential and seeing the person as a whole represents disappointment. They wish they could extract these points and multiply them into being full-time, but this all ends up happening at an increasing real-time, full package cost that isn’t worth it.