Break Emotional Unavailability, Embrace Loving Relationships, Grow Self-Esteem

Advice Wednesday: I Realised I Never Asked For What I Needed In My 5-Year Relationship & Want To Go Back

By Reading Time: 7 Minutes

Bethany asks: I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years just over a year ago. At the time, I thought that it was because I met someone else but after a short relationship with the new man and some serious self-reflection while single, I realised that it was because I never really asked for what I needed in the relationship. We had one big fight at the beginning which was definitely all my fault (long story short, the man before him dented my self-esteem and so I was pushing my boyfriend away) and because I felt guilty about this behaviour, I never liked to argue or confront him if I was unhappy with something in our relationship.

My ex would have given me everything I needed if I’d only known myself well enough to ask. We’ve both matured and I believe our breakup could make us better partners. I can’t get him out of my head. He is the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of at night. I am constantly driven by a desire to be back with him but afraid of grovelling on my knees and being rejected. Is it even possible to make it work a second time round? If not, how on earth can I get over this?

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You have to be for yourself before you can be for another. As humans, we have a habit of rewriting the past to suit a present-day narrative. When we’re self-critical and prone to being a blame absorber and something goes wrong, we misremember aspects of how things went down. Now that we know how things have turned out, we convince ourselves that we did XYZ and that the reason why the other person was or wasn’t being or doing ABC is because of us. We then work out what we think are the conditions for being OK and try to make it happen, or we beat ourselves up because we can’t turn back time.

How do you know that he would have given you everything you needed “if only” you’d asked him? Do you want to get back with your ex or do you have regrets about leaving a five-year relationship for something and someone that quickly didn’t work out?

Going through some serious self-reflection is no bad thing, in fact, if only more people would self-reflect to a more balanced perspective, there would be less chaos in dating and relationships.

That’s something that you can learn straight away: Whether you get back with your ex or not, what you’ve learned will make you a more emotionally available and engaging partner within your relationships.

Suppressing and repressing your true needs, expectations, desires, feelings and opinions to avoid conflict, criticism, rejection and disappointment (people pleasing) is very detrimental not just to your sense of self but to how you show up in your relationships and even to who you choose as a partner.

Conflict is a necessary part of life. We only truly experience intimacy when we can disagree and express our innermost feelings and thoughts even when they might not be ‘pretty’, opening up our awareness about each person’s perspective and allowing us to work together for resolution as well as to grow in self-awareness and self-knowledge, but conflict isn’t an automatic result of any and all expressions of needs, feelings, expectations, desires and opinions.

Consistently being authentic and showing up in the relationship represents our needs to ourselves as well as to our partners.

Some people assume that once in a relationship that they don’t have to meet any of their own needs anymore but actually, they have to meet theirs as well as express the needs that involve their partner, as well as be open to meeting those of their partner, who will also still be meeting their own needs.

Feeling that you’d provoked the argument (possibly not over your previous ex at that point), the guilt prompted you to make a rule to avoid speaking up out of fear of what might come out and/or that you would alienate him. Unfortunately, this was a self-defeating activity because doing things out of guilt just creates more fear as well as resentment plus you were cut off from intimacy meaning that your relationship couldn’t really grow. You were making a rod for your own back by trying to influence and control his feelings and behaviour with people pleasing and hoping that this as well as him potentially reading your mind would solve the issues and make you feel better.

When we feel that our needs have been repeatedly ignored and/or inadequately met in the past, we on some level decide that it’s less painful to silence our needs than it is to express them and run the risk of it being unmet. Throw in a negative association with conflict, and there’s a recipe for pain right there.

Advice Wednesday: I’m not over my ex–Opt out of my new relationship or see how things unfold?

By Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I used to be a runner, literally and emotionally. I can still get my sprint on (I’m known as ‘Robocop’ by a bunch of teens that I chased down the street until they gave up due to my speed) but I don’t run from feelings anymore. I used to bounce from relationship to relationship (or date to date) because, well, I didn’t really know how to be on my own. OK, and I couldn’t cope with being flooded by The Feelings that were becoming increasingly difficult to bury and run from. I had always been of the mind that burying and running was best because after a few months and while safely ensconced in a new relationship with a new fella, I would be able to revisit whatever I’d run from and I wouldn’t be bothered anymore.

Of course like many a person before and after me discovers, there’s only so far you can run and if you never process and grieve your relationships, it all eventually catches up with you in what can feel like an emotional volcanic eruption. While sometimes it’s something big that sets it off, what happens more often than not is that something that seems theoretically smaller than other past pains, reopens old wounds. You end up ruminating and obsessing. You end up feeling stuck.

In this week’s Advice Wednesday, Victoria is experiencing a lot of discomfort in her relatively new relationship and she doesn’t know whether it’s because she’s unavailable and not over her ex (more like exes including one that she’s still working on not obsessing over, or whether she should just see how things unfold.

The handy thing about having an emotional airbag is for a time, you’re protected from having to face the feelings you don’t want to feel or face the things that you don’t want to see, but those feelings and truths don’t disappear and they make themselves known in our emotional, mental and physical health as well as how we’re showing up. We mustn’t ignore discomfort and we most definitely need to pay attention to our inner voice not the ego-led one that encourages us to ignore our truth and what we need to do. We also need to ensure that we don’t, even if it’s inadvertently, use people as a means to an end.

We need to get into relationships because we’re happy not as a means to become happy.

If we’re not empowered when we’re single or having to think and choose for ourselves, we’re not empowered in our relationships.

When we don’t know ourselves, we don’t know our decisions and choices and we don’t know our relationships.

How would you advise Victoria? Have you been involved with someone who isn’t over their ex or have you tried to see how things unfold when you knew your heart wasn’t in it or that you weren’t over your ex yet?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book at a clarity session or coaching. 

Do you have Dater’s Block?

By Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Dater's Block After a breakup or a period of being single, many people struggle with getting back out there again, ‘there’ being into the dating pool. Whether it’s because they’re unsure of themselves after a period of grieving or that the last time they dated was pre-internet and booty calls, or they’ve gotten very used to their space and are fearful of risking it in a new ‘venture’, or just that they have their newfound boundaries or even assclown radar turned up on high, these people are struggling with the dating equivalent of writer’s block.

 

Dater’s Block is when you end up with a sort of paralysis about proceeding with dating. Primary concerns are wondering whether you’re ready to date again, being fearful of getting it wrong, and even more pressing, whether you’re going to get burned again. It’s actually at the point where you’re reaching readiness, or where you’ve already tentatively dipped your toe in or have even met somebody, where Dater’s Block is most likely to strike. Dater’s Block runs on fear. It’s fear of change possibly including fear of being done with your previous relationship. It’s fear of effing up and disappointment, fear of using up the one chance you’ve given yourself, fear that the next relationship might go somewhere and you might not be ready or perfect enough, or that if you go ahead with this person you haven’t even met yet, that you could end up missing out on something better, or that in twenty years time it might be over and you might kick yourself.

Rebound Relationships in a Nutshell: Transitionals, Buffers & Why You Should Step Away From The Light When They’re Not Over Their Ex

By Reading Time: 5 Minutes

emotional airbag

If you’ve ever found yourself involved with someone that’s recently broken up, still not over their ex, separated, divorced, or widowed, they’re a Transitional, someone with emotional and/or legal a relationship ending, which means that they may not be over their ex, are still going through grieving the loss of the relationship/person and are struggling with their feelings about commitment and being emotionally available. They’re not ready to be vulnerable yet, which means no intimacy or commitment.

They may be typically emotionally available and going through a period of temporary unavailability due to the transition, or they may be habitually unavailable anyway. Either way, you don’t want to get caught in the crossfire because if you do, it’ll be on the rebound because you will help them avoid uncomfortable feelings about the transition and the loss.

It’s very possible that under a whole other set of circumstances, that maybe you could have had a committed relationship, which of course would be under the proviso that not only are they typically emotionally available but that under the new circumstances you wouldn’t be a Fallback Girl (or Guy) either.

There’s an element of this situation that’s down to ‘bad timing’, but to blame it mostly on timing is to miss some glaring problems. Don’t get things twisted – they’re not under different circumstances and you’ve missed the one piece of information that deals a crushing blow to anything you have in mind – they’re not over their ex. It doesn’t matter whether it’s that they’re scared shitless of commitment or intimacy or whether they’re moping after their ex or creeping around behind your back having talks with them; they’re unavailable.

It’s code red, abort mission, game over, no credits, the moment and I really do mean the moment, that you discover that you’re involved with someone on the rebound.

They’ve overestimated their capacity for a relationship and pushed down their feelings about their ex because they use you, albeit not always intentionally, to help you get them through this transition. If they’re typically emotionally unavailable or just the type that likes to be in a relationship, they won’t be good at being on their own but may be operating under the misguided notion that if you’re special enough that they’ll magically get over their ex and be available to you, which is pretty damn lazy.

Unfortunately, we need time to process and heal to be truly available and when we don’t, we use other people as emotional airbags.

If you have been involved with a Transitional, you are a Buffer, the person that lessens the impact of the fallout from their previous relationship. You cushion their exit by providing a soft landing and unfortunately, if you don’t heed the great big glaring code red that they’re not over their ex, you’ll also be the bridge to another relationship and a revitalised them. Ever fumed that you were with a Transitional, only to break up with them and them becoming available in the next relationship? It’s almost like you’re Heartbreak Hotel or Emotional Rehab.

How Much Time Are You Actually Spending Thinking About YOU?

By Reading Time: 4 Minutes

woman in deep thoughtI get a lot of emails that have a couple of recurring themes: that they either can’t get over someone and/or they have been trying their damndest to get on with their lives/love themselves but it’s still not happening. While sometimes it comes down to impatience and not having given it enough time, often it’s the case that we’re not being entirely honest with ourselves which is why I encourage people to go on The Bullshit Diet so that they can drop the illusions and be authentic.

Often our mental energy is consumed by other people and things that we either have no control over or are a distraction from us.

Take Susie – Her year long relationship ended 14 months ago and she says she can’t get over him, and that she’s read everything on this site and others, tried various things and has been doing her best to move on but ‘can’t’. In the meantime, he’s moved on. Now I’m not saying she hasn’t tried, but it didn’t take long to blow this whole thing wide open. So I asked:

Over the past 14 months, how much time has been spent thinking about them?

If it’s hard to think of the whole period, look at it a day or week at a time. Spend a week keeping a feelings diary or just making a note of how often you think about you vs how often you think about them.

Susie did it for two weeks, and bearing in mind this is 14 months on, she thinks about him almost three times as much as she thinks about her. It’s no wonder she’s not over him – her mind is rarely on her and even if it is not to the extent that it was previously, she thinks about him a hell of a lot.

Other important questions: When you are thinking about them, what is it about? Imagining how different things could be if only they changed? Putting them on a pedestal? Analysing what they said and did to try to figure out where you went wrong?

If more time is spent thinking about them than you, you are engaging in avoidance and if you continue with a cycle of ‘thinking’ and obsessing, not only will you find reasons to blame yourself, but you won’t process the information, accept what has happened and move forward.

Be Careful of Rushing to Date and Love Again – There’s No Fire

By Reading Time: 4 Minutes

fire

A few weeks ago, I wrote about casual relationships and how so many people don’t recognise that they’re in one because they see the hallmarks of a relationship, such as being together over a period of time, sleeping together, being introduced to others etc, but they don’t recognise that there are crucial landmarks missing such as commitment, consistency, intimacy, progression and balance.

One of the biggest sources of angst from readers is the whole question of starting over, dating again, trusting again, and ultimately knowing if they’re ready for a relationship/to start dating again.

What I find particularly interesting is that while the minority will avoid dating and attempting to forge connections with other people while they are hurting/rebuilding, the majority of people I come across are eager to restart even if it is patently clear that they are not over their ex or are just not emotionally ready to date.

This is why there are so many casual relationships masquerading as full on relationships: Because too many people don’t want to do the emotional work and take enough time to heal from previous relationships and/or get themselves emotionally ready.

Instead we, as is often the case, try to take a shortcut and we decide that we will date because we want some attention, we want to feel validated, and actually, more importantly although we often won’t admit it, we want to avoid dealing with the feelings about ourselves or the previous relationship.

What happens as a result is that you get half interested or not all that interested parties who are more than happy to pass time. The person on the receiving end is like a stopover/layover, or even a rehab. Sometimes both parties are.

We end up knowing they’re not The One or that the relationship is not for us, but we see benefits to staying in the meantime or fear having to start over. Maybe we hope to convince ourselves into it being right. Of course, in one or even both of you feeling this way, your relationship will lack the landmarks of a healthy relationship.

Quiz: Are You Ready To Start Dating Again?

By Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Close up of the 'ready' message from a printer.

How ready are you to date? A lot of people think being ‘ready’ means ready to get attention, have companionship, get sex, an ego stroke – ready to jump back in the saddle. However being ready to date, which prepares you for being ready for a relationship is actually about being mentally and emotionally ready. In this weeks quiz, find out your dating readiness. The more you agree with, the more ready you are.

1. I’m over my ex and am no longer emotionally invested in them.

2. No seriously Natalie, I’m not holding out a secret hope that we’ll get back together. Oh and I don’t have any other exes lurking around.

3. I believe that a loving, healthy relationship with mutual love, care, trust and respect is out there for me.

4. There are still a lot of good people to date.

5. I trust myself and I’m OK with acting in my own best interests even if it may hurt a little.

6. I am aware of my boundaries and red flag behaviour and if I were to encounter someone that overstepped my boundaries and/or exhibited red flag behaviour, I would know what to do.

7. I know that sex and love are not the same thing.

8. I have a reasonable level of trust and am not controlled by my fears. In fact, I am actively working on addressing any issues that have previously affected me in relationships.

9. I can mentally and emotionally cope with someone not reciprocating my interest or dates not working out.

If there’s stuff that you disagreed with, take it as a signal to dig deep within and be aware that if you proceed to date anyway without addressing them, you need to own your part in what results. While agreeing with the above doesn’t mean ‘Shazam!’, your perfect partner is going to fall out of the sky, you will be far less likely to fall into any old habits and you’ll ultimately be taking care of you. Read on for the ‘answers’

Closure: How to Know When You’re Ready to Move On

By Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Definition: This is the particular moment when a certain chapter in your dating history is over. It’s the second that you no longer have feelings for your ex and you are ready to move on to ‘bigger and better’ men.

I feel that there are two types of closure. There is Fake Closure..and True Closure.

Fake closure occurs sometime in between the first month of your break-up. You have to psych yourself out of calling him, yearning for him and thinking about him so you fill your life up with everything and anything that you can. It’s purely a mental closure, you physically slamming the doors shut in your mind. However, in the middle of the night, as you lay in your bed, thoughts of him still creep in and you wonder what he’s doing and such.

Being a Baaaad Girl, you would never give in to the temptation of breaking down and calling just to hear the sound of his voice, right? Right. You would never stalk him, right? Right. You would never become a Bugaboo, right? Right. The fact that you still have any feelings towards him…anger, hatred, love, jealousy, revenge, passion…signifies that you are still in the fake closure mode.

True Closure cannot be forced. It takes time and with some relationships more than others. It’s not an actual act on your part but it does come. One day, you will pass a day without thinking about him, then several days in a row until he’s nothing but a foggy memory. The day you realize that you haven’t even thought about your ex in weeks…then you have achieved true closure.

Sometimes, we jump into new relationships while we are still in the fake closure mode. This is risky all round because it hurts the person that we are now with…they don’t have your full attention and adoration, and short-changes you out of a great new relationship. However, it has been done before with relative success, with the new relationship enabling you to get over him faster.

We have to be able to recognize when we are fully over Whatshisface and ready to move on.

Vixen is Deputy Editor for Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog Bad Girls Guide