Rebound Relationships Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 68: Why Did We Break Up?–Dungeons & Dragons

December 20, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of Why Did We Break Up?.

When Lloyd friend requested Abbie on Facebook, she was surprised because she’d got the feeling that he didn’t like her. Awkward, shy and a tad antisocial, she gradually got to know him and saw him as a friend, so much so that she didn’t even realise that they were on a date.

Only a few months out of a devastating breakup with Zac who worked in the same company as her and Lloyd, despite telling him on this supposed first date that she was not ready for a relationship and apologising for if she had led him on in any way, this was ignored by both of them and she got sucked in by Lloyd’s devotion. He told people that she was ‘The One’ pretty much immediately.

Believing that it was a rebound relationship that became love, within months she was living with Lloyd, which was when she discovered that he was a gamer, something she gradually became second fiddle to. A year into the relationship and he was trying to get her to move with him to a gamer friend’s condo, which she declined. From there, things went rapidly downhill, resulting in them breaking up, only for her to discover that she was pregnant. Things went from bad to worse and by the end of it, she felt like a truly awful person. She’s ready to find out why they broke up.

Links

Episode 66 where Taylor got cast aside for her boyfriend’s fraternity

Why Rebound Relationships & ‘Florencing’ Are Like Hospital Stays Or Retreats For The Emotionally Wounded

We Have So Much In Common

My new book, Love, Care, Trust & Respect.

Listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

Advice Wednesday: Am I ‘The Bridge’ For The Christian Woman I Share So Much In Common With?

November 9, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

Kevin asks: Two weeks ago, a female employee, 21 (I’m 29), who I’d become good acquaintances with, handed in her notice. Prior to this, I’d never considered a relationship with her.

That day, there was a big concert for a Christian worship band that we’re both fans of. We purchased our tickets together and wound up front row. We started off as friends and connecting was like breathing. As the night went on, it came easy.

Afterwards we grabbed some drinks at a bar down the street. We hang out and she flirts with me. It is obvious that we have a connection. We have an amazing time and she invites me to lunch on Sunday after which we hang and talk for several hours. I thought to myself, This is good. I want a relationship and I’m going to make my intentions known because I’m not going to waste either of our time even if it’s odd. I am her boss for another week but there is connection and I’m comfortable enough, so I ask her if she wants to date and explore that route. Note, I’ve never asked out an employee before.

She explained that she’d cut contact with her ex three weeks before after going through a breakup for a couple of months and that she’s not ready but maybe in the future. She asked for friendship.

We continue to hang out and make plans. She’s passive in planning time to hang out together (she mentions something that’s going on and waits for me to initiate the plans about it). Each time we hang out, it seems we build more rapport, more similarities in lifestyles, goals, plans and have so much in common despite the short time.

I’ve made it clear that I want the commitment. It feels like I’m getting played as a bridge between relationships. I plan to back off and see if she initiates anything and see if she is jealous of the potential of me going out with other girls. I want to see how she responds to me insinuating that I don’t like being friend-zoned or being ‘the bridge’. It’s not my place nor am I that patient. I hardly ever find one that could fit the mold so I find myself unusually attracted and do want that commitment option but also don’t like the situation I have now.

**********

Kevin, your heart is in the right place but you’re letting your predetermined outcome and your ego get in the way of coming from the most authentic place.

You’ve fallen into the trap that so many do: Having met someone who you feel ticks the boxes of a list that you on some level were convinced that it would be hard to fill, your excitement and assumptions have convinced you that she’s a woman of serious potential. You mention in the longer letter how hard it is to “find someone truly faithful to God yet understand that it isn’t about religious activity but heart behind much of it”, and I feel for you because your lack of faith about how many women share your perspective, is creating a scarcity mindset.

What you’re unaware of is that you’ve made a snap judgement. You’ve taken details you like about this young woman and blown it into her being a potentially ideal mate because you because you like you and have your faith views and so inferring that synchronicity and similarity with her has you pencilling her in as partner or even wifey material.

You on some level felt safe to explore the possibilities now that work boundaries were on their way out. In the space of 24 hours, you went from good acquaintances, to discovering common ground, to requesting a relationship. Whether that is down to your faith or the way you operate, that is too much, too fast.

**All you could do was ask for a date not a commitment.**

Sure, agreeing to a date is a micro-commitment but feeling aggrieved that a woman who has just cut off her ex didn’t give you “the commitment” is unfair and it’s not in the spirit of the values you espouse.

You’re bruised that she isn’t matching you and understandably object to being ‘friend zoned’ but then you’re passive in your involvement and not owning your right to step away from this if friendship isn’t something you want or that you can handle.

You could argue that you’ve only just gone from acquaintances to fast friends and that your romantic interest is very recent so in theory, as disappointed as you may feel, you can potentially rein in your interest and take the time to get to know her, not the image of her. Of course if you can’t and you are on some level feeling resentful because you’re being ‘friendly’ while having the agenda of hoping that the consequence of hanging out will be that she gives you “the commitment”, roll back, waaaay back. That’s a hidden agreement and your ill feeling is not so much about what she’s doing but how you’re not being boundaried with you and honouring your own feelings, even if that means that for the time being, you step back.

I feel that I should point out that she hasn’t led you on by getting on so well with you. You reference her having flirted with you but as you’re the one chomping at the bit for a commitment, it’s important to acknowledge that you did your part in creating this connection that’s “like breathing”. Aren’t you flirting with her too? Aren’t you the one pursuing her?

I know it might feel as if you have “so much in common” and that you’ve gleaned a great deal of information about her but you are mistaking intensity for intimacy.

You also haven’t acknowledged that you are only talking about your feelings and your perspective, not hers.

This perception of your connection shows blurred boundaries and your wake-up call about that was when she stated her position. That was your cue to recognise where you end and she begins.

She is passive with you, maybe because that’s her general mode, something you might want to take note of as you wax lyrical about how much you have in common, but I also suspect that her passiveness about arrangements is so that you don’t get the wrong impression. She enjoys your company and yes, possibly enjoys the attention but she is not over her ex. She possibly thought that you were both enjoying friendly Christian time together. It’s also very possible that she’s a pleaser who worries about being “rude” and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

You talk about not wanting to be ‘the bridge’ between her previous relationship and her next one but I’ve got to be honest with you, Kevin—you have choices here! If you don’t want to be the bridge, don’t be. You’re not a hostage! Maybe she’s just mentioning interesting things as part of conversation or maybe she is being passive about arrangements but Kevin, you don’t have to suggest plans and you need to adjust your expectations about arrangements to one of a friendly capacity. You’re not her boyfriend or boyfriend-in-waiting. I’m not convinced that you’re her friend either.

Resentment will grow if you continue to suggest arrangements and hang out while on some level expecting to be rewarded for your efforts.

You’re both Christians and have things in common and yes, that might feel like a rarity, but she’s not obliged to become your girlfriend. Also, she might be the first employee you’ve ever asked out and that might feel ‘special’ but be careful of inferring a specialness in her or an obligation for her to justify you ‘putting yourself out’.

I’m going to hazard a guess that you have more dating experience than her so if you know that this situation is confusing, do the right thing for the both of you and step back. Take responsibility for your side of the street.

And don’t do sh-tty things like trying to mess with her head by backing off or trying to make her jealous. Not only is it manipulative but it’s disingenuous. It’s like, “Let me get control of this situation or punish you for not being interested in me”—if you ‘get’ her this way it will not feel the same as if you had gotten involved with her in a more authentic, mutual way. You might have been the boss at work but you’re not her boss outside of it. Bearing in mind that she’s just cut off her ex, compassion would dictate that you give her space and respect her feelings. Why try to hurt the woman who you’re supposed to be so interested in?

It seems that you’re afraid that there isn’t a woman that fits “the mold” and there may be a level of internal pressure about getting settled by a certain point. Maybe you feel as if you have everything but the woman to complete your life but, there is no such as the woman who fits the image in your head (“the mold”). Yes, know your values but don’t turn up with a cookie cutter. You might be blind to the things that are not on your list as well as blind about some of what’s on it. Take this experience as life’s way of letting you know that the woman who could “fit the mold” has factors and a past that you haven’t considered. Let go of the fixed mindset. You’ll find that meeting like-minded women is less of a rarity. Stop trying to be in control of ‘everything’ so that you can be open to meeting the woman you can love and build a life with.

Do you have any advice for Kevin? What do you think of this situation? Do you think he’s got mixed messages?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words.

Podcast: Why Did We Break Up? – The Lessons

October 4, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

It’s time for a Why Did We Break Up? episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

This is a replacement episode for ‘Moving Goalposts’ which went live last week and so due to all of the shuffling about, I decided that this was the perfect time to share some universal lessons that apply to breakups that have been picked up through the themes in the shows so far. Here are the key lessons I talk about:

If we’re carrying deep pain, it will be revealed by our relationship choices.
Superficial choices lead to superficial relationships and reveal the inadequacy that we carry about something. We are not seeing that person or being seen. We have an agenda to ‘get’ something and to also hide something.
No decent, lasting relationship can be built or sustained on inferiority and superiority. If you’ve been in relationships that are based on this premise, someone has to feel elevated and someone has to feel diminished. This isn’t workable.
A partner’s sole or primary job isn’t to make you happy. If you try to build a relationship in this way, you will veer between under and over-functioning. The relationship will be a breeding ground for resentment, frustration, sadness and codependency.
There doesn’t have to be a villain or a f*ck-up in the relationship. If more of us would recognise our humanness, we would move on to the relationship that’s far more befitting of us much sooner.
Affairs are about escapism and hiding out for both parties. If you become the Other Woman or Other Man, you are inviting pain, guilt and delay into your life.
If you don’t take time out to heal from a previous relationship and instead opt to move into something else very quickly, whatever you’re trying to avoid is going to track you down. The more you run is the likelier it is that one day it will all pile up. Stop running and deal.
Don’t try to be a fixer/healer/helper because you won’t be rewarded for your efforts. You are guaranteed to invite past pain into your life and will end up sacrificing you in an effort to prop up the other person. If you can’t stay in your own lane in the relationship, you cannot honour the separateness and choose partners for authentic, healthy reasons.
If you overcompensate in your relationships, it’s because on some level you know that the other party isn’t showing up or you on some level feel unworthy and so feel that you have to match their efforts and then raise them. You will try to create a tipping point. When the relationship ends, you will blame you and you won’t know why you broke up because you’ve effectively focused on your fears, feelings etc in relation to the other person. You’ve worried to much about what you have to do or not do in order to try to make them be or do something. You can’t worry about and blame other people’s feelings and behaviour on you and expect to have a clue about what’s yours and what’s theirs.
No matter what speed you move at at the start of a relationship, it needs to be in a boundaried way. Sometimes we mistake simulated intimacy for the actual intimacy that comes from a progressing, balanced, consistent, intimate and committing relationship over time. Chatting a lot, hanging out, being a good listener, great! But is it intimacy? This takes time and experience and the showing out and showing up of your true selves. The honeymoon period is too soon to call it!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

Don’t Be The Bridge Between Someone’s Old & New Relationship

July 11, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Odds are that if somebody came to you and said, “I like you. You seem like a good, kind, loving, accommodating person so I have a proposition for you: I’m wounded because I’m fresh out of a relationship. Thing is, I don’t really want to think about that relationship or my feelings about him/her, or what went wrong or what I can potentially learn from this experience. I know I’m not ready for a relationship and I don’t really have a great deal to offer, but one day I might do. I have an ex so, you know, be hopeful that I might extend a relationship to you one day. I could theoretically be woeful at relationships, but because you know that I have an ex, I want you to assume that I have a good line of relationship credit that I might spend on you one day. Give it enough time and I could transfer my time, energies and emotions to you. So…, what I want you to do is be in a rebound relationship with me. I want you to help me transition from being hurt /angry /frustrated /disillusioned /depressed /ambivalent or whatever I am post-breakup, to being relationship-ready…for someone else”–you would tell them to jog on.

But if you’ve been involved in a rebound relationship, then you’re all too familiar with how you accepted some variation of this rather painful proposition. Invariably, you invest yourself into this setup and aside from feeling short-changed by your role of being The Buffer who acts as an emotional airbag, often wind up providing safe passage to their next relationship. In some cases, they go back to their ex.

When you enter into a rebound relationship, you end up being a bridge between old and new. Instead of them having to stand on their own two feet, they stand on you.

Rebounding invites delay and pain into your life. You get to busy yourself in a problem that wasn’t created by you but you also avoid making a decision about what you want. You don’t have to commit but instead it looks like you want to, it’s just the matter of this pesky partner who is still unavailable and resisting commitment despite you being there for him/her.

Advice Wednesday: Even though we’ve both moved on & got married, my ex still wants to mess with my heart & my head

May 25, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Sometimes you think that you’re OK about the one you let go of because you think, Well, they’re not the marrying kind, and then even though you’ve moved on, when you hear that they’ve only gone and done what was considered the unthinkable, it can cause you to feel unsettled. You might doubt your original judgment about the situation or question how into you they really were. Being wooed and pursued by someone who at the same time laments their inability to give you what you want, can feel quite flattering. You might feel extra special and so when you do move on, there might be a part of you thinking that you were the person they really wanted to be different for but couldn’t.

I suspect that this has a part to play in today’s Advice Wednesday where she’s seemingly happily married but a year into it, she’s discovered that the ex who didn’t want marriage, is married. He’s now sniffing around, sending her messages and she suspects that he wants to mess with her heart and her mind again.

I think the lesson here that can really be applied to all sorts of situations not just a romantic one is, don’t rent out space in your head to people who say one thing, do another, or who are quite simply all charm and not much else because before they’ve even done anything, you start using up your energies trying to make sense out of nonsense and trying to anticipate their motives, what their next move is.

When it comes to people who are not that into boundaries and who love an ego stroke, the bulk of their thrills comes from knowing that they can still ‘command’ a response from you. It’s like, Yeah baby! I’ve still got the magic touch. Knowing that they can have you or that they can certainly insert themselves into your consciousness and potentially disrupt your well-being and/or how available you are to a current partner, is in their mind, as good as having you. Don’t give them the space or the opportunity. Flush! And don’t respond. Silence says a great deal more than your words will.

Have you had an ex pop up out of the woodwork when you’re all moved on? What did you do? Have you had an ex say that they’ll never commit/marry only for it to look as if they’re living the great fairy tale with someone else? What advice do you have for Priti?

Advice Wednesday: He’s separated, we’ve been together for 2 years but he’s super-busy. Help!

May 18, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Sometimes people overestimate their capacity, interest, time or even themselves. It’s part of the human condition. We think it’s going to take an hour to do something and next thing half the day has gone. We start off all guns blazing with a new relationship and then remember that the honeymoon passes and that we have to show up plus if we haven’t gotten over our ex and we were in fact trying to escape those feelings, that we’re going to start feeling super uncomfortable. We insist that we’ve changed to woo someone back and then do a Britney with ‘Oops!…I did it again’.

Sometimes we think that we can fit in a relationship even though we’re technically still under contract because we’re separated and there’s still a lot to resolve. Next thing, we’re like an overstuffed sausage and throwing ourselves into work (or claiming that we are) as a way of avoiding having to deal with our marriage and our other relationship that we’ve promised ourselves to when we were in a better mood and feeling more enthusiastic/horny/deluded/scared/hopeful.

The latter is what I sense has happened with Sandy in today’s Advice Wednesday and two years down the road with her “kind and very gentle” separated guy who now seems to have The Busiest Job In The World TM and is asking and in fact insisting on her patience, her relationship isn’t really going anywhere.

Some people find it easier to drop hints by making themselves unavailable through some other convenient excuse rather than admit that they don’t want the relationship anymore or jeopardise having all of the fringe benefits (shag, ego stroke, shoulder to lean on, safety net etc).

If I were in a relationship with a separated uber-busy guy for two years, I’d probably have rationalised the hell out of things, reassuring me that he’s separated but not ‘married married’. I’d probably be scared of leaving and it all being a ‘waste’ and even looking like a ‘fool’. I’d say stuff like, “I just need to be patient. He’s a good guy in a bad situation. If I just hang in there and don’t make too many waves, he’ll get the divorce sorted and we can move on with our own lives. Sure, if I start dating now, who knows who I might meet…. All the good men are gone. It’s so hard out there and he’s so kind and gentle with me. Push down those tears, take a few deep breaths and play the long game. Ugh…this hurts so much…”

No wonder she has her doubts about him and this situation.

As the saying goes, if things aren’t adding up, start subtracting.

If you’re supposed to be in a relationship but it feels and even looks more like their sideline hustle rather than their main gig, pull the plug because you shouldn’t have to fight your partner to make basic time for you or have to threaten to leave. Why should somebody have two people ‘on retainer’ while you swing in the wind waiting for them to slot you in?

Also, there are undoubtedly separated people who don’t start new relationships and then put the new person on layaway while they decide what to do with themselves or keep their foot in their marriage and have the best of both worlds. They separate, take time to sort out their situation and don’t leave people hanging. When you’re put in the situation of living on the fringes of someone’s life while they claim that they’re in a relationship with you or you end up feeling as if you’re losing your dignity by having to chase them up about what the hell is going on, it’s demoralising. No person who truly loves, cares for, trusts and respects you, should put you through that.

Have you waited around for somebody to make time for you, to finally get their divorce up and running, to finally show up to the relationship? What did you do? What advice do you have for Sandy?

Advice Wednesday #8: Is He Really Not Over The Way He Broke Up With His Ex or Is It Just An Excuse?

March 16, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

The Tricky Situation: Marcy asks, I was recently dumped by a guy. We dated exclusively for four months and he ended it because he wasn’t “ready for a relationship” yet, though he had “thought he could be” with me. He claimed he wasn’t over what happened with his ex, who he had been with for four years, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to be with her and broke up with her. He says he still has guilt about how they broke up (over the phone cause they were long-distance) and that she didn’t get any closure. I can’t help but wonder if he is just making an excuse — can he really be hung up simply on how they broke up? They broke up less than a year ago when we had met and he had already dated one other girl between her and me. I believe that he stopped dating the other girl because she wanted to be “too serious too soon,” but since we made it to four months, I thought we were going to work out. I guess that was a sign, but I just feel completely duped. Am I crazy?

********************

You’re definitely not crazy Marcy but I do think that you have fallen into the trap of ignoring your intuition and yes, even an element of trying to be the exception. When you said that you had “made it to four months”, all I could see was a situation where you were dating this guy and on some level knowing that he had issues and then pushing down anxiety and almost praying that you can get past what you might think was the rocky mark in his previous involvement. This sounds like a challenge not a relationship.

I can’t tell you whether he is or isn’t over his ex but what I can tell you is that he doesn’t seem to know his arse from his elbow, with all of his contrary, flip-flapping, “I’m not ready for a relationship” but then carrying on as if you were supposed to be a commitment sorceress who was going to make him available and able to forget his issues.

What also cannot be denied is that if he was in a relationship for four years and some or all of it was long-distance and things ended over the phone nearly a year ago and he feels guilty over the lack of closure, why hasn’t he done something about it? As Oleta Adams sang in her hit, ‘Get Here’:

“You can reach me by railway

You can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane

……I don’t care how you get here
Just get here if you can”

His kind of guilt is of the procrastinating, not really as guilty as he makes himself out to be kind. It’s a way of avoiding showing up in the present and when he fails to deliver in his new relationships, he can play the guilt card. He could have made this right a thousand times over in the time since he broke up with her, especially because surely the ending of the relationship he had directly after that breakup was the call to action? He doesn’t want to be with his ex and yet she’s his go-to excuse; I don’t blame you for feeling confused and suspicious. Not being over your ex isn’t always about still being in love; he’s not over the relationship. Even if he’s bullsh-tting to a degree, he’s not over his past relationship(s) because it is impacting his current behaviour.

He may very well be hung up on how they broke up because he is avoiding thinking about the content of those four years. That requires introspection and recognising who he is, what he needs, and what that relationship reflected about his emotional state or what he was truly available for relationship wise.

Us humans are funny ‘ole creatures. Even when we can be logical, we’re not, but even when we are being logical, we can often be derailed by emotional reasoning. His position makes sense to him but of course it doesn’t make sense to you. The fact that you think him being hung up on how they broke up is odd, doesn’t mean that it’s not real. His lack of self-awareness means that he doesn’t understand what is motivating him to reach for that excuse, but his position is his position.

Advice Wednesday #3: Widowed & Hurt From First Relationship Breakup–Can I Trust Again After Mr Unavailable?

February 10, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

The tricky situation: I’m a 65-year-old widow of five years, (married forty years) going through my first relationship breakup since losing my husband. I broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn’t stand the mixed messages. I can’t understand what happened and keep ruminating. He was separated (married 2 years), unhappy, and I was lonely–we had great chemistry. He came on strong but after 9 months, he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell his ex he was dating because “he didn’t want to hurt her”–claims he told her he didn’t love her.

She visits his house and wants to reconcile. He’s been pulling away from me these last few months. Based on what he’s told me about past relationships, he seemed to act in a way that would cause me to do the breaking up so he wouldn’t have to. He always said he wouldn’t hurt me but I am hurt. In retrospect, I think he always thought this was a short term relationship, maybe a time filler until getting back with his ex. I think he changed his mind about the separation. I also sense this is a pattern–he’s had many short-term relationships. His friend said the issue with his ex would never be resolved, implying that he’s done this before. He fits all of the Mr Unavailable characteristics, could never discuss intimate feelings, is very secretive and is a poster boy for your red flag list— I ignored them because I was so lonely and somewhat naive. I’ve been No Contact for almost 2 months. Can I recover without ever really knowing the truth? I’m having panic attacks. I want him to know that I know what he did. Can I trust again at my age? Should I just be content to live alone? My relationship vault is now in lockdown.

************************

I am so very sorry for your loss. For forty years, you knew where you were at and now you’re not only having to try and figure out how to live on without your husband but dating has changed significantly since back in the day when you met him. I hear from so many people who were in long term relationships that started before there was putting a profile online, texting, sexting, swiping left and right, talk of Friends With Benefits and booty calls, and the list goes on. They step back into dating, not realising that not everything people show or tell you online is real and taking what can often be the intensity of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding as a sign of a “happy ending”, only to wind up very disappointed and disillusioned. It’s also not helped by everyone from friends, family, society and the media making out as if your last chance saloon has gone if you’re a woman over 25, and if you take any of that guff seriously and it plays into any insecurities, you’ll jump on any attention that comes your way as if it’s your last meal.

Another factor that amped up the intensity of things is that you had what I call a Starvation or Lean Period–this is a period of time where you are starved out of affection, attention and love due to being hard on you in some way, feeling brokenhearted due to a loss, and not really knowing how to take care of you.

You mention loneliness: sometimes when you lose a loved one, due to feeling on some level as if you don’t want to be a nuisance or a burden and/or some loved ones acting what appears to be differently or even lacking empathy, you clam up and stop expressing your innermost feelings and thoughts including to yourself. This causes you to feel emotionally adrift, often triggering you into looking for something or someone to take away those feelings. When you then feel interest in someone for the first time and/or they express interest in you, it’s distorted plus, if and when things go awry, it re-opens feelings of loss and low self-worth that you’ve attempted to squash down.

You want to love and be loved and there is nothing wrong with that. It’s a natural desire. Some of this situation stems from a need for someone to come along and fill a void and when you are looking for an external solution to something internal (unhappiness with you, not feeling “enough” and that you can cope on your own, wanting someone to take away your pain etc), this significantly impacts who you choose and what you will accept.

The same person that won't tell their ex that they're in a relationship with you because they "don't want to hurt him/her", won't tell you that they've gone back because they "don't want to hurt you". Flush! The thing about someone between relationships, so they’re not emotionally and/or legally and mentally over their ex, is that there’s a subconscious safety net. You don’t have to be as vulnerable as you would if they were genuinely free to pursue an out in the open, available relationship. It can’t ‘fail fail’ like you think an available relationship without restrictions can. This is a good time to ask yourself whether there is a part of you that’s afraid of truly putting you out there for fear that you will love and lose again?

The man who doesn’t tell his separated wife that he’s dating because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” will not tell the woman he is dating the truth when it’s needed because he “doesn’t want to hurt her” either.

The relationship was nine months and he pulled away for the last few months, suggesting that at least half of this relatively new relationship was in crisis–a code red alert. Factor in the honeymoon period where you don’t know each other yet and it appears that once normality kicked in and he had to show up and even follow through on promises, he passive aggressively edged his way out. He’s not out of contract and my spidey senses say that this is a guy who periodically gets his pants in a bunch, suddenly doesn’t feel like being married or committed, plays outside on the other green fields, and then goes back to wifey who has taken up the married Fallback Girl option of standing by her man and waiting for his tantrum to blow over. He’s not separated because he’s in the process of getting divorced; he’s having time out.

Courage is not your ex’s strong suit and he told you various stories as a subconscious means of dropping hints. He started something he could not finish. The fact that he kept insisting that he wouldn’t hurt you, aside from that being a promise that no one can make, it also suggests that you knew on some level that he was all shirt and no trousers and kept trying to get reassurance.

Here’s the thing: You already know everything–you just don’t like what you know and so you keep rejecting it, exchanging the truth for a set of untruths. What would him telling you what you already know do? What would you telling him do? You were there too. You have the truth right now it’s just that you are viewing it with the wrong perspective, stopping you from forming the conclusion that would stop your torture.

You’ve been involved with a Mr Unavailable who even if he claims it was not what he intended, used you as a form of escape from dealing with his inner problems and whatever is going on his marriage. Yes of course you are a grownup who has made choices but make no mistake: he has preyed on your vulnerability, your fear of being alone, and yes, your naivety. You were married for forty years–How are you supposed to have the experience to pick up on this man’s bullsh-t straight out the gate?

Accept what you know right now, wholly and fully. Stop trying to understand it or the situation to the nth degree. Yes, it is a loss that you have experienced (disappointment) but if you grieve it instead of beating you up, you will start to feel so much better. A great way of getting to the truth and healing from loss is writing Unsent Letters.

The panic attacks will subside when instead of rendering you helpless by trying to control the uncontrollable, you start taking care of you including taking responsibility for you. You don’t need to wait for a man to 1) be taken care of and 2) to have a good life. This would be a good time to attend grief counselling, to see your GP about the anxiety attacks, and to also look at social activities that you can partake in that will help you to not only meet and get to know people but to get to know you too. Let your loved ones in on your struggles. You will be OK. You’re never too old to love and you’re never too old to trust again. I know that life isn’t how you thought it would be but your husband no longer being here doesn’t mean his love is gone. Know also that when you love again, they’ve got to be someone that adds to your already good life, not your salvation. Don’t build a wall, build a better life for you with boundaries and self-care.

Your thoughts?

Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.com with ‘Advice Wednesday’ in the subject line. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. If you want detailed one-to-one support, please use my consultation service.

Podcast Ep.13: Avoiding Being an Emotional Airbag, How Long Does It Take To Get Over a Breakup?

November 28, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

I’m back after spending an amazing few days out in San Francisco (my first trip to the West Coast) after being flown out by a reader to spend a couple of days coaching her through some issues. While I was there, another reader hosted a meetup where I got to meet readers who came from as far as three-and-a-half hours away. I ate, I laughed until my sides hurt, and I even got a bit misty-eyed in parts. This is exactly the type of fun collaboration that I want to get up to in Baggage Reclaim’s tenth year and I look forward to doing more.

Right, here’s what I cover in episode 13:

Don’t be an emotional airbag : What does being one involve, why are we motivated to do it and why it’s a very bad idea. Read more on ‘Buffers’ plus they’re the subject of an entire chapter in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?: I explain some of the key factors that influence how long it’s going to take including previous losses and whether you’ve grieved them and whether you overcompensated for the other party during the relationship.

Taking recurring themes from your challenges and making them into your personal mantra for success: Looking back over the past year or so, I noticed the same theme regardless of who or what I was dealing with and now it’s become one of my mantras for the next year and beyond so that I can keep shifting gears.

Listener Question – What do you do when there’s one part of your value system that you cannot compromise on? This week’s listener is in a relationship where they differ on a core value in a big way.

What Nat Learned This Week: I spent a few days in San Francisco and came back with an increased sense of gratitude for the BR community.

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Buffers: When You’re The One That They Turn To When They’re Unhappy With Their Current Relationship

October 9, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

We are creatures of habit and have to pay close attention to where there are running themes in our lives because it points to where we are not only repeating a pattern of thinking and behaviour but that we’re doing so because we’re getting something out of it.

A recurring theme that some Fallback Girls/Guys experience in unavailable relationships is being the person who lends a willing ear, a shoulder to lean on, and even a bed to lie in for people who are having doubts about their current relationship, who want to have a bitch and a gripe about their partners, and who essentially want to avoid their problems by enjoying the attentions of an interested but nonetheless inappropriate party. It may be that you have the label of ‘friend’ but tend to be disruptive in this person’s relationships, believing that you have the right to do so because you’re friends and that anybody who doesn’t understand this and hold back comment about it mustn’t be right for this person. You may feel quite territorial about the friendship and struggle to step back. You’ll let them know that you’ll be there when not if something goes wrong.

It’s very possible that you’re either an ex or that at one point you expressed interest or even slept together but then for whatever reason something didn’t happen and you’ve instead ensured that you’re a fixture in their life and can keep an eye on what’s going on. While you might be open about this, it’s very possible that you have buried your feelings and so are not even aware of how your (and their) behaviour plays out. It’s also very possible that you keep in touch with this person behind their partner’s back. Note: If it’s a secret, it’s inappropriate.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re a Buffer – someone who takes up an emotional airbag role with a view that once you’ve shown how indispensable and supportive you are, they will get over their ex and choose you. Buffer means rebound relationship territory. You have The Replacement Mentality so you tend to see your way into involvements as you effectively replacing somebody who couldn’t do their ‘job’ properly.

Understanding why an ex is spreading misinformation about you (or building a case against you to break up)

August 25, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 6 Minutes

Breakups, even expected and mutual ones, often feel like a kick a teeth, but a breakup feels like a mugging when it comes to light that our ex has been in effect, poisoning the waters by saying things about us that are not true or are certainly exaggerated.

Why would somebody who we shared a relationship with and who we believe that we were loving to, choose to spread misinformation designed to discredit us?

There’s a common misconception that breakups only happen to ‘bad’ people or where something terrible happened, which is akin to suggesting that breakups are an emergency measure reserved for the most horrific of relationship illnesses, when in reality, you could be The Nicest Most Fabulous Person Ever TM and short of only ever being in and staying in one relationship, you’re going to be broken up with and do the breaking. That is of course unless you’re one of those people who always gets in there first, but that’s the subject of another post.

Because of that misconception as well as another – we have to have ‘legitimate’ reasons about the other party before we can break – some people do the dishonourable thing and the moment that they feel in over their head, or the moment that they suspect or decide that they want out, rather than be a grownup and say so, they look to build a case around it, which is similar to deciding that a suspect is guilty with no evidence and then looking for ways to fit a preconceived agenda and conclusion around them. It’s shitty and lazy.

A person who is looking to make a strong case for an exit will manage their way out of it by looking for reasons to justify the decision that they’ve already made, a decision I might add that they’re free to make without having to drag your name through the mud. That’s why I hear from people who feel so damned confused, betrayed and blindsided because they realise that they were in effect set up to fail. This type of ex doesn’t give you a heads up as to what is going through their minds because they have already decided.

When this person shares their reasons with you or you hear it through the grapevine, you struggle to reconcile this version of them with the person you thought they were or the relationship experiences that you had. And of course you want to almost shout this at somebody but you don’t want to look as if you’re losing your marbles or ‘shrill’.