surviving christmas Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Podcast Ep. 12: ‘Tis The Season To Be Stressed Out, Toxic Type, Knowing When To Fold

November 14, 2015 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

Stand up for yourself. You're the best placed person to do it. It’s time for the weekly episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast.

The universe seems to be having a bit of a laugh at the moment where it’s throwing me opportunities to stand up for myself. I’d actually written in my journal a while back that I mustn’t be afraid to stand up for myself after looking at some of the overriding themes to issues that I’d encountered with family members. Sometimes, due to the ‘gifts’ that help me write BR, I can see what is behind other people’s behaviour and so I aim for compassion and patience while still being boundaried but you know what? Some people mistake your kindness for weakness and don’t register their own behaviour so that’s why I stood up for myself this week without pussyfooting around it. I sent the many people I hear from a mental fist bump as I did it and share a key lesson from the experience in this week’s episode.

On another note, I’m also headed to San Francisco on Monday for a few days where I’m giving some hands-on help to a BR reader who has struggled to extricate herself from a toxic relationship. It’s the first time I’ve ever done this and am excited by the challenge and the opportunity. I’m going to host a meetup on Tuesday evening so if you’re about, email natalie AT baggagereclaim.co.uk.

Right, here’s what I cover in episode 12:

The 12 weeks of self-esteem torment : It’s that time of the year again when thoughts of Thanksgiving and The Holidays followed by New Year and finally Valentines, cause some of us to give our self-esteem a pounding. | Read more about the 12 weeks of self-esteem torment. Also read more about regret hangovers.

Toxic type: If you have a type and you’re yet to have a healthy relationship with it, it doesn’t make sense to keep going after it. I talk about why having a type is a real blind spot and based on assumptions that don’t stack up in reality plus it’s often about trying to right the wrongs of the past in some way.

Angst over slow text replies: While there are certainly people who slow reply for shady reasons, it doesn’t have to mean something terrible if a person doesn’t reply as quickly as you would like. I offer up some perspective on why some of us aren’t too speedy at replying.

Listener Question – Is it ever OK to fake it in bed? I explain why faking it generally isn’t good sexual business.

What Nat Learned This Week: Standing up to somebody who kept trying to cross my boundaries at my daughters’ school has been rather liberating and a lesson in knowing when to fold. There was no need for me to be open to this carry-on anymore

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe on Soundcloud , iTunes, Stitcher or via a podcast app on whatever device you use. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook and please do subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps! Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know! Nat xxx

Stop letting December stress you out! It’s JUST Christmas!

December 13, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

My inbox is filling up with stories from people who pretty much expect a Miracle On Assclown Street to happen this month. If not that, they’re certainly thinking that this month defines how well they’ve done as a person this year. It’s the whole ‘December’ thing. Every year, people around the world develop temporary amnesia due to it being Christmas or as Americans call it, The Holidays. In much the same way people suddenly get a new lease of hope for even the worst of relationships because of Valentines Day – It’s a day of love! Maybe dinner, some wine and that song that was playing when we first met (that they don’t even remember), will breathe some life into this flatlining relationship! – we pile on way too much expectations and build up this month into more than it is.

We criticise and judge ourselves by holding us up for comparison against ‘everyone else’ and then become convinced that we’re the only ones who are alone, that staying with somebody who mistreats us is better than no one at our side on the 25th, that we’re the only ones who have a family that don’t have the type of Christmas that could be featured in a TV ad, or that only ‘not good enough’ people struggle with this month. Suddenly a relationship that made sense for us to sprint in the opposite direction of only hours, days, or weeks ago, becomes the something that we can’t possibly get through the month without.

December prompts us to call up exes or to be receptive when they fish around, to try to squish a new involvement into something more serious, to will ourselves to just to get through the next few weeks while praying for a conscience or revised persona to turn up on our partner in the new year, and to even plead that our affair partner leave their relationship asap before it’s too close to Christmas. We overspend, we dread having to deal with family and imagine all sorts of scenarios that wind us up, and keep wondering if this could be the year when our family becomes the one we’ve always envisioned for ourselves.

I know so many people who feel embarrassed about their family being less than perfect and I can count on one hand, the amount of people I know who have drama free families. The stories I’ve heard just in the playground this week make me think my own family are tame! And that’s saying a lot!

Do you have an Overactive Guilt Thyroid? Why it’s time to lose the misplaced sense of obligation over birthday greetings to exes, text replies etc

December 9, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When I hear stories from readers regarding their angst about whether or not to do something, it becomes clear that when we tie ourselves up in knots over stuff like whether to send a birthday greeting to an ex, whether to agree to a favour, whether to reply to a text, or even whether a person is entitled to expect whatever it is that they’re expecting from us, we have a misplaced sense of obligation and feel indebted.

When we have what I sometimes refer to as an Overactive Guilt Thyroid condition, we make ourselves feel obliged and indebted with ‘rules’ that aren’t really rules. We may be predisposed to associate these situations that stress us out with us having committed some wrongdoing or with us not looking a certain way if we don’t comply, hence we feel obliged to do stuff that inwardly, we may be screaming, ‘No, no, no! I beg you, don’t put me though this!’

Of course sometimes we forget what the true meaning of an obligation is about and if we remembered, we might actually laugh at what we stress ourselves out over.

Are we morally or legally bound to send birthday greetings to exes even when it feels like our heart is hanging out of its open wound as salt is raining down on us, or when they’ve treated us in a less than manner and only sent their greeting to us as an opening to pressing the Reset Button and getting their foot through the proverbial door? Is this a duty or a commitment?
Are we morally or legally bound to agree to do a favour just because someone asks and even flatters and/or attempts to guilt us? It only becomes a duty or a commitment when we make it one.
Are we morally or legally bound to reply to all text messages, especially ones that already fit a pattern and will only lead to us falling into our own Disappointment Cycle. We’re not obliged to set ourselves up for pain.
Are we morally or legally bound to meet the expectations of others, even though they may run counter to our own needs, expectations, and wants, and even if it means that they’re talking out of their bottoms? Beliefs aren’t facts and expectations aren’t duties.

Do birthday greetings create a debt? Do you note each person who wished you happy birthday on Facebook and then hunt them down on their birthdays so that you can repay the debt of gratitude? Is that thoughtful or stressful? Shouldn’t wishing somebody a happy birthday be a simple no strings act that you do just because you want to not because you feel as if the sky is going to fall down and that you’re going to judged? Of course you forget that it’s you that’s judging you because it’s you who gets to decide what is and isn’t okay for you.

We also have to rein in our egos: Is that person’s world going to fall apart if we don’t send that greeting (or meeting other so-called ‘obligations’? It’s too much to expect that the greeting means that much because all we’re doing is setting ourselves up for a fall because we’ll build it up and they won’t live up to our expectations. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t mean anything but it doesn’t mean all of the drama that we’re attributing to it.

If it’s going to cost you your peace of mind to wish someone a happy birthday or you’re going to inadvertently believe that they’re indebted to you in some way (for instance, expecting that they’ll change or validate you), don’t bother. It’s just a birthday. It’s the same for Christmas / The Holidays and other occasions.

You can show thanks for a card (or message) but it doesn’t create a debt that’s repayable with reciprocation either in the form of matching it or even overdoing it with attention, ego stroking, sex, getting back together or wiping the slate clean. It was just a card. If it came from an authentic place with no agenda, you have no reason to feel indebted and they would certainly not expect to avail themselves of your [dodgy] form of repayment.

You’re not obliged to do favours or even to meet people’s requests. People can and will ask but it doesn’t mean that you have to say yes as if, ‘I was asked and so it’s ordained that I must do it.’ Even if somebody has done something for you before, it doesn’t mean that the specific thing that you’re looking to do is an obligation. If you can do it and it’s not an issue to do so and you’re not expecting something back that you haven’t directly communicated, knock yourself out.

It’s just a text and not every text requires a reply. Some people stress themselves out and feel bound to give an immediate reply as if there’s a texting code of practice that demands that they reply swiftly and favourably to shady folk who purposefully choose texting to avoid proper effort and direct communication.

An expectation is a strong belief that something is going to happen but that expectation may be unrealistic and if you comply even when you don’t want to, you’re actually communicating that the expectation was correct, which will only lead to pain.

Be careful of correlating that sense of obligation that you may automatically feel when you perceive someone to have an expectation or request of you, with there being an actual obligation or expectation in existence, when your imagination and ‘worry fish’ may be doing overtime.

If you have an Overactive Guilt Thyroid, when you examine where this obligation and debt of gratitude comes from, you will find a sense of inadequacy. You’re likely an Over-Giver, so each time somebody does something, you feel as if you have to ramp up the effort, or you generally act as if you have to do so much more than everyone else in order to create a tipping point of reciprocation.

As a grown-up, I’ve learned that I can appreciate my parents but I’m not obliged to do everything that they ask or expect of me as a means of paying a debt for coming out of my mother’s hoo-hah or for ‘inconveniencing’ them by being a child or for just being part of their family. It doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate my parents but I don’t feel obliged to keep throwing them my self-esteem as part payment. I also don’t want to operate from a position of fear and helplessness because I’ll end up behaving and thinking like a child.

It is good to practice gratitude because you are showing an appreciation for your life, who you are, and also recognising where people do acts of kindness or life’s blessings in disguise. If you’re tying yourself up in knots and feeling indebted when you really don’t need to, it’s a misappropriation of your energy, not least because you may be feeling indebted where there isn’t genuine kindness or having a disproportionate response.

You may also be breaking your obligations to you in the pursuit of false obligations with others. Don’t tie yourself up in rules that aren’t rules because you will spend your life going against yourself in an effort to conform to hot air.

As a general rule of thumb I’ve learned that when it comes to stuff that basically involves giving and doing something for someone, if there’s an excessive amount of brain and emotional expenditure going out on the decision of whether or not to do it, it’s a sign that we either shouldn’t, or that the reason why we’re thinking about giving or doing whatever it is doesn’t come from an authentic, healthy place. We have concerns and feelings that we may be ignoring and/or we have expectations tied to what we’re about to give or do that we may not even be in full acknowledgement about to ourselves.

Kindness should be reciprocated with appreciation not obligation because you feeling obligated immediately changes what was originally a kind act or gesture into something laced with pain.

Your thoughts?

Excerpt from The No Contact Rule: Dealing with ‘occasions’ like birthdays post-breakup

August 16, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 7 Minutes

Don’t forget that I’m on a ‘break’ until September (I can’t believe that it’s been 4 weeks already) so I’ll mostly be featuring some of yours and my favourite posts from the archives.

Today’s post is a new one and an excerpt from The No Contact Rule (2nd edition). I chose this excerpt because post-breakup and regardless of whether you’re NC or not, the way in which you handle occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, and anniversaries can end up inviting a great deal of unnecessary pain into your life.

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Birthdays, Easter, Valentines, Thanksgiving, Christmas/The Holidays, National Curry Day, the FA Cup Final, the birth of a baby, bereavements, anniversaries and the list goes on; there are clearly a lot of reasons we can find to get in touch with an ex.

These occasions can catch us off guard because they mark a passage of time that may highlight and even accentuate the differences between the present and where you were at that time the previous year. Sometimes it’s not that you’re remembering, more that you’re experiencing the grief that comes with the hopes you had for being with them for this occasion (it might have been the first) not being realised.

The disappointment is understandable but part of grieving the loss of a relationship and respecting boundaries – both theirs and your own – is recognising that you can’t pick up the relationship or restart contact for occasions. You’ve got to know where to draw the line.

Birthdays and various other occasions in the calendar don’t change. Start as you mean to go on because where does it all end with saluting them on each occasion? What are you going to do in year 2 or year 10?

No Contact means… No Contact and if you choose to make contact for any of these reasons, there must be no underlying motive, which there rarely isn’t. Feeling compelled to reach out on big occasions is code for looking for reasons to be in contact aka smoke signals. Some of these ‘occasions’ are symbols of aspects of your ex that form part of your connection which in turn you attach a meaning to. So, for example, when their team wins in a big sporting event, that can set off the temptation to reach out.

These occasions become opportunities to ensure that you haven’t been forgotten and to place yourself front and centre in their mind. Really, is a card or a message going to make this person change or regret missing you, race back into your life and sweep you off your feet?

Occasions can also represent waiting for an excuse or a bad situation to befall them that you can exploit. Hard to hear but if you could see my inbox! Really, you shouldn’t be waiting for the perfect excuse to try and get your agenda on the table. I get it and understand that you’re grieving and that you miss them, but this all goes back to validating the original reasons for doing NC and getting behind your decision. It’s a totally normal part of the breakup to be reminded of your ex by certain things – this dissipates over time as long as you don’t use these memories to inflate meaning or your hurt.

Take a bereavement for instance – I totally understand why you might want to reach out at this time but there a couple of things that reveal where you’re really at: your method of expressing your condolences and what you expect or do after these condolences have been expressed. Best way to express your condolences? Send a card and flowers, pick up the phone, or go around and pay your respects if there is an open house or a set time to do so. Sending a text or posting something on their Facebook page? Come on now!

Equally, if all you’re doing is a genuine expression of your condolences, there shouldn’t be any thinking about getting back together, sleeping with them, or feeling that you have to stick around to get them through this time because you’re not in their life anymore and you’re not the only person capable of providing support, especially because you’re supposed to be NC. If they try it on with you, don’t tell them all about themselves but do just say, “I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re hurting. I wanted to let you know this but it doesn’t mean that I want to restart anything with you. Take care”… and… move it along. With this in mind, here are some more tips for navigating these situations:

1. Don’t hijack the occasion. I’ve heard enough painful stories of exes that suddenly got back in touch around a bereavement, birthday etc, swooped in with a whole load of big promises and showboating, acted like they were The Most Supportive Partner Ever™… and then vanished off the face of the earth. There are too many people who associate the painful loss of their parent or a milestone birthday with an ex. You’re supposed to be NC so you shouldn’t be hijacking anyway.

2. When it’s their birthday, it’s not your birthday. If you’re mostly thinking about your own internal drama, you’re not really thinking about him/her and you are in fact projecting. It being their birthday is not a valid reason for breaking NC because it’s like trying to give yourself some sort of birthday present in the form of validation and possibly attempting to rekindle the relationship. Birthdays only last for one day but the effects of misplaced expectations and unhealthy habits last far longer.

3. Avoid starting NC within a few days to a couple of weeks of their (or your) birthday because the likelihood is, you’ll reach out. In fact, this really applies to most occasions but birthdays in particular because they’re personal. If it’s your birthday and you start NC and they don’t get in touch and it’s only been a short time since starting NC, you may feel compelled to tell them all about themselves or go attention seeking. If it’s their birthday, you may feel “bad” about not being in touch. Have an honest conversation with yourself – if you think that you’re highly likely to knee-jerk into contact if you start NC and then a birthday happens later in the week, wait until afterwards and spare yourself (and them) the drama.

4. Be careful of feeling compelled to reach out on anniversaries. I understand it, believe me, especially if you were together through something difficult like a bereavement, but working through this anniversary without them and possibly with the support of others, is grief work that you need to focus on. Yes they may understand you and you them and yes, you may feel bonded over this difficult situation, but it’s not enough to cancel out the reasons why you’re doing NC. You have to find a way to start dealing with this.

5. You don’t need to send a card. Whether it’s for a birthday, Christmas or whatever, the fact that you’re even thinking about sending a card demonstrates that you are still too concerned with how you look and so-called ‘protocol’ instead of putting your energies into NC.

6. Remember that sending messages to their friends and family on big occasions may be perceived as you sending a smoke signal to your ex. I appreciate that you may like their family for instance, but be careful of not only crossing your ex’s boundaries, but also of inadvertently maintaining a connection between you both.

7. Your message, whatever guise it takes, may be disruptive. It’s bad enough when they mess with your head, but actually, being NC and then reaching out sends mixed messages. There is also the not-so-small matter of the possibility that they may be involved with someone else and that you sending messages as if you have some sort of claim on them even though ironically, you’re NC, may create friction and cross boundaries.

8. Don’t send a gift. ‘Nuff said.

9. If you’re thinking about sending a text, email or tippy tapping out a Facebook message, you’re just not that serious about sending a message. Yes I’m sure these feel ‘easier’ but again, if you’re that worried about avoiding conflict and not opening yourself up to hurt, stick to NC.

10. Think ahead. NC is very much about getting conscious, thinking ahead and planning for success instead of planning for failure. Each year has occasions in the calendar – how are you going to deal with these? They’re inevitable so there’s no point in being surprised by them. Put a message in your diary or calendar to remind you to stick to NC and if you know that you get card angst, put reminders in your phone in the days running up to the date to keep you on the right track, like “Remember! It’s not my birthday” or “Make plans on _______ so that I don’t feel lonely and vulnerable”.

Your thoughts?

You can find out more about how to navigate your breakup with your self-esteem in tow in my book, The No Contact Rule (2nd edition).

Holiday Update

I’m back from a whirlwind couple of days up t’north in Hull with one of my ‘bezzy mates’ and godmother Nikki Nac. Oddly, I woke up ridiculously early each day (around 5.30am) but I also slept like a log too. We ‘birthed’ her new baby, Blanket Row, which is her new business designing handcrafted leather bags and iPad accessories). We had one near panic session and I could tell she was going to meltdown so I had to get tough while at the same time worrying the big drama was about to go down. The reality, which unfolded within an hour, was significantly different, so I’m relieved we stayed calm and didn’t do anything silly. The trip was also a really good opportunity for us to catch up about some really deep stuff as we had quite similar childhoods and she was with me through the ‘dark years’. We’ve come a long way!
I slept for nearly 90 minutes on the train back to London this morning. It would have been so easy to be on my laptop or phone but instead I unplugged, read magazines for a while and next thing you know, I woke up with my head lolling backwards and forwards. Thank goodness I wasn’t drooling!
We’re off to a festival on Sunday at the Olympic park. Four energetic kids plus two ‘big kid’ grandmas, two partners who get on our nerves within minutes because they get all ‘bromancy’ plus myself and crackerjack mate Tash, and it’s bound to be eventful.
I need a dress for this wedding that we’re driving to Italy for. I’m getting a bit excited about our holiday via France, especially as it’s not me that’s driving… haha! Lots to organise though – must write those lists!

Have a great weekend and thanks for all of the well wishes and congrats! xxx

Give Yourself The Gift of Self-Compassion: Stop Judging You & The Rejection Will Subside

December 21, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

What makes rejection take on a life of its own is feeding it with our judgement of ourselves. We could kill a rejection stone cold if only we'd pour some reality and self-compassion on it.

A few months back when I began to come to terms with the fallout with my father after my wedding, someone told me that raking over and reliving a rejection again and again is like repeatedly going back to look at your own vomit. Yuck! – this is exactly what Miss Nia my three-year old would say, probably while cutting her eyes or putting her hands on her hips. The crude image stuck with me and when I felt wounded, that image popping into my mind helped bring me back to base and to remind me to say something kinder to me or to ‘object’ with something realistic.

Yesterday while writing about why we feel so wounded by rejection, I came up with the most common that I come across which included stuff like:

Because you felt very deeply for this person and it wasn’t reciprocated or appreciated.
Because you put up with what you would normally regard as unacceptable behaviour and it still didn’t get you the relationship you wanted.
Because you feel that you were very much yourself with this person and that it wasn’t ‘acceptable’.
Because you weren’t yourself with this person and it still wasn’t “good enough”.
Because you changed to be what you think this person wanted or needed you to be and that still wasn’t good enough.
Because you silenced your needs, expectations, and wishes, even when your soul ached and you felt like you were being suffocated and you still didn’t get the love and the relationship you wanted.
Because you knew that this person wasn’t a healthy choice in relationship partner and you in fact knew that you were compromising your values and this person wasn’t even worthy of your time and yet… they’re treating you like you’re not worthy of their time.
Because it feels like this person gave a better relationship in the past to someone else or that they’re now being the person or giving the relationship that you wanted to someone new.

Revisited: It’s JUST Christmas/The Holidays – Stay off the Relationship/Drama Crack

December 3, 2012 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

This month, I’ll be catching up on some overdue R&R and so while I will be posting plenty of new stuff, I also wanted to revisit some previous posts….

Santa says..

This time of year, whether you’re single or in a relationship, can bring about an incredible amount of anxiety. It can also have you thinking and doing things that in retrospect, when you get to January, will have you wondering if someone was coming into your home and spiking you with a cocktail of Drama and Relationship Crack. I of course, say this with experience.

One particular December was spent ‘negotiating’ (read: stating my case, laying it down on the line, discussing, arguing, wheedling, telling him all about himself and lather, rinse, repeat), with the guy with a girlfriend.

I had this fantasy that he would be so devastated at the thought of me being out of the country with my family and having the possibility of being swooped up by a better man (’cause ya just know I kept reminding him that plenty of guys would want to treat me better), that he’d break it off with his girlfriend and announce that he was coming to Dublin with me. The reality could be summed up in four words – “You know my situation…”. Then I accidentally left my mobile phone in London – I spent the whole Christmas hiding in the toilet crying and making sneaky phone calls plus I’ll admit I wondered whether he would have fulfilled my fantasy if he’d been able to reach me… Thank God I stopped taking the delusion crack.

I’ve also had several Christmases – about fourteen of them actually – where the anxiety about buying a gift for my mother and ‘measuring up’ has had me overspending and/or being riddled with such a desperate urge to be validated that I’d feel ill.

I’ve ended a relationship before Christmas because I couldn’t face having to grin and bear it, and then I’ve grimaced my way through another and thought that I was going to experience a Miracle on Assclown Street when it was more like A Nightmare on Assclown Street – cue me having to wear the ‘gift’ of clear heeled hooker shoes, ‘nude’ coloured tights and short leather skirt so as not to ‘offend’ while I grimaced through tears. I left the bar after 15 minutes and literally felt like I’d sold my self-esteem to the devil.

If like me, you’ve done all manner of bonkers stuff around The Holidays, whether it’s suddenly reaching out to an ex or being receptive to their rather pathetic overtures, or suddenly thinking you’re owed a miracle and a happy ending, it’s time to ask:

What’s so fricking special about December? Why do you allow December to take on all manner of meaning and start making grand assumptions, even grander plans, and buy into the fantasy?

I get December on a whole spiritual and religious level. Even on an emotional level, I recognise that as the end of the year approaches, it’s natural to be reflective, but it doesn’t explain why we allow what is another month in the calendar along with some heavy marketing, peer pressure and more importantly, internal pressure along with our overactive imaginations, vaginas/penises and libidos to turn us all crazy.

Stop Pumping Them Up! They’re Really Just Not That Special!

December 23, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

At a time of year when many of us find an excuse to act a little (or a lot crackers) by using Christmas/the holidays to reach out or accept contact from exes, to get back together, to stay together because it’s Christmas, or to expect a Miracle on Assclown Street, it’s time to remind you that nobody is that special that you need to sell yourself down the river by treating yourself without love, care, trust, and respect in the name of ‘winning’ them.

Every single thing you do in an effort to ‘win’ someone who isn’t engaging in a mutual relationship with you inflates them. You’re dwarfing yourself and making them into something mighty. Stop chasing and please stop pumping.

When someone is as great as you claim they are, they’ll be that special without you adding your backing track and vocals to their life. They can stand on their own two feet without you protesting too much about them or harping on about their ‘potential’.

And this is one for the ladies here – being a woman doesn’t automatically make you qualified to see the potential in others, especially men. It’s like thinking that because you’ve lived in a house or like houses, that you can spot a home with potential, or that because you’ve handled money or stood inside a bank that you can be an investment banker.

It’s like going “I’m horny/I love you/I see things that I don’t like” and deciding you’re qualified to determine the potential. If you’re focused on the wrong things, you’ll choose partners for all sorts of strange reasons that don’t stack up, just like the person who’ll bet on the wrong house, or will cut into the wrong deal.

Stop pumping them up! Stop going on about their looks, or their status, or the fact that they go to church, or they have a good job, or they have a lot of money, or they’re really intelligent, or they’re liked by ‘everyone’, or that you have great ‘chemistry’, or whatever.

There’s no point in going on about anything that you’re not directly experiencing the positive results of. That means it’s all well and good going on about their super intelligence or their appearance, but without mutual love, care, trust, and respect, you’re making much ado about shag all. Let’s also not forget that the more you have to talk up someone, the more it becomes clear that you suffer with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much.

It’s not your job to come along and define them, but you may be tempted into trying this if you’re wanting them to define you.

The same goes for latching onto something that they did early in the relationship or as one of their ‘good times’ and then repeatedly reminding yourself of it – you wouldn’t have to latch onto something if you had a good relationship. In fact, you wouldn’t have to keep living in the past or betting on potential in the future, if your present day relationship was making you happy.

Every time you latch onto something about them and make out like this characteristic, quality, or value is far more amazing or valuable than it is, while the reality and impact on your relationship are radically different, you distort your relationship and the truth of who they are.

It’s JUST Christmas/The Holidays – Stay off the Relationship/Drama Crack

December 12, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

What’s so fricking special about December? Why do you allow December to take on all manner of meaning and start making grand assumptions, even grander plans, and buy into the fantasy?

Dealing With Happy Birthday’s and Big Occasions: To Send a Card or Text…Or Not To Send, That Is The Question

October 10, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Over the past few months, I’ve found that I’ve had quite a few readers asking me about what they regard as a particularly tricky situation – What do you do when it’s your ex’s birthday or it’s an anniversary of something or Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving or if you’re really trying to stretch things out, things like National Curry Week? Do you send a card? A gift? A text? Show up in a fur coat and no drawers?

Really, unless you 1) truly are friends and then if that’s the case 2) have no ulterior motive for reaching out to them, you do nothing. With birthday’s being the biggest source of angst, I’ve got four words for you: It’s not your birthday.

Like your average healthy relationship, a genuinely mutually fulfilling friendship doesn’t require pulling teeth or angst. You don’t have to keep trying to force the fact that you’re friends, or reminding them to stop trying it on with you, or worry about giving them a call, meeting up, or sending a greeting card. Why? Because you’re friends.

This means that when you sit at home burning up copious amounts of brain energy with a train of thought that goes a little something like this: “It’s Phil’s birthday next week. I wonder if I should send him a text or card? Or maybe I should give him that gift I was originally going to give him before the bastard finished it with me… But will he expect to hear from me? Or will he think it’s weird if he doesn’t hear from me? I’ve been trying to get him to meet up with me or at least talk to me so maybe if I send him a message (Hmmm, I still don’t know if I should just send a text or will go for the full on card?) he’ll see that I’m thinking of him and finally respond back to me. Oh my God – what if he responds and asks me to meet up and we end up back in bed together? Or jaysus what if he completely blanks my message? I’d be mortified! I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should send a message to show that I still care. I also don’t want him to think that I’m childish…”, it’s a sign that you’re looking for an excuse to get noticed by someone who isn’t noticing you in the way that you want.

If you have to put this much effort into sending someone a greeting card or going for the low energy option of sending a text or writing on their Facebook page, it’s a sign that you shouldn’t be doing it. It’s not natural.

45 Tips For Surviving Christmas/The Holidays Whether You’re Single, In a Relationship, No Contact or Broken-Hearted

December 17, 2010 By NATALIE Reading Time: 9 Minutes

1. In essence, it’s one day out of 365 or a few weeks out of the year when you add in the build up and festivities. I’m not saying it’s not a special time but it is a highly commercial time that puts a lot of pressure on people. Keep things in perspective.

2. Whoever you’re with or not with, this time of year often gives you some quality time. Spend it with someone you love, even if that someone is you. We use the Christmas to catch up with each other and our friends both together and separately, catch up on sleep (our daughters are early risers), to see friends and family, eat very well, and do stuff.

3. When I was single I made lots of plans, relationship or not, and even when I was in a relationship, I didn’t base the entirety of my plans on them. This relieved a lot of pressure. You’re not clones of each other or Siamese twins. You’re individual entities so you don’t have to spend every waking moment with them. Actually, this is the same no matter what time of year it is!

4. Single? Missing an ex? Broken-hearted? Make plans. Seriously. Being single isn’t a death sentence or the horrendous time you pass between relationships and the fact of the matter is that if you end up feeling that your Christmas was ruined, it won’t be your ex’s fault, or whoever or whatever it is that you’re blaming – it will be yours.

5. If it’s your first Christmas, try not to over-‘prescribe’ it and let things be. In fact whichever Christmas it is, don’t over-prescribe. You may end up creating great expectations or exerting too much pressure. Sometimes we create an image of how we think things should be and become so immersed in it, we forget to enjoy and appreciate what’s in front of us.

6. Set your own values about Christmas. It doesn’t matter what Tom, Dick, Harry and Samantha are doing. Judge and decide your own way of celebrating the season because if you try to keep up with others, you will never be happy.

7. Whatever your relationship status, treat yourself to something nice. I always do!

8. I hate to say it but be prepared for exes to creep out of the woodwork with dumb texts, even sillier emails, calls to test the water to see if you’re interested, and maybe even some protestations of how much they have changed. Tis the season for nostalgia. When people get lonely, especially unavailables and assclowns, and remember the last time someone idolised them, ignored their blatant red flag behaviour, and gave them a shag, an ego stroke and a shoulder to lean on, they hastily head for the path of least resistance. Don’t let that be you.

9. Things getting tense about which family you’ll spend Christmas with? Find a compromise you both can live with. It’s as simple as this year it’s X and next year it’s Y.

10. The other way to resolve the family at Christmas issue is to have your own Christmas together and see your respective families on the days afterwards. You have to create your own traditions and experiences and your families also need to respect your wishes. Neither of you are children anymore. Seeing them the following day etc., doesn’t mean you love them any less.

11. Don’t get back with an ex because you hate the idea of not being with someone for Christmas. Unless the reasons why you broke up no longer exist (and not just because you blotted them out and came up with your own fantasy), those reasons will not change because it’s tinsel time. This is not a Christmas romcom movie!

12. Please state the nature of your call. OK, you don’t have to say it like that, but if your ex calls and you answer, you need to get a definitive answer to the question of ‘Why are you calling me?’ If they say that they miss you, make sure you ask exactly what this means too. Missing you and I want to get back together are two entirely different things.

13. Do not let your vagina or penis make your decisions for you this Christmas, or anytime for that matter. I know you can get horny and think that your ex or that person from your office or whoever is just the thing to give you a boost, but just be careful of acting off your libido and being left with a long lasting hangover.

14. No drunk dialling, dropped calls, emails to ‘see how they are’, calls to see how they’re doing, or sending an ‘innocent’ Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas/Happy New Year text. All of these actions are attention seeking and ways of re-opening contact.

15. If you’re a rubbernecker and they’re on Facebook and they’ve moved on to someone else, don’t spend your time stalking the site for pictures to show up of them enjoying themselves. Talk about punishing yourself! Go out and enjoy yourself and create your own new memories and pictures.

16. If you’re with someone who has previously disappointed you by not buying you a gift and you’re now working yourself up into a lather wondering if they’re going to do it again, I would expect that they are going to unless something very drastic has happened since the last time. A lot of people take this attitude of ‘Well I shouldn’t have to say why’ or ‘I shouldn’t have to ask’ but setting yourself up for disappointment and thinking that they don’t care isn’t a pleasant alternative. It’s time for you to have a calm, rational discussion so you can understand why they do it and they can understand your hurt and disappointment.

17. Be safe with contraception if you don’t want to welcome a baby next September.

18. Are you involved with someone who is attached? Don’t spend all of the holidays checking your phone for text messages/emails/phone calls or spending it an anticipation of a snatched moment. Don’t revolve your everything around them – they’re not revolving it around you. Basically make other plans.

19. Please, I beg you, don’t spend the entire time waiting for an ex to call. Doing this is like continuing the relationship albeit in your head on some alternate universe. It doesn’t make sense for you to play the waiting game while they go on their merry way enjoying their life.

20. Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. Seriously, it’s just Christmas. Stop getting so carried away!

21. If you’re getting really irritated because it feels like you’re doing everything to prepare for the festivities, either delegate or roll back your efforts. It’s no fun if it doesn’t feel fun and you end up being resentful too.

22. It’s not all about the gift. Staying with someone just to see what you get is not a reason to hang on!

23. Don’t go overboard and make demands about what you should get and about what may or may not happen if people fail to get what you want. It’s really unpleasant to be around people that behave in this way and you suck the fun out of people buying you gifts.

24. Remember you may have different values and beliefs about Christmas which means that you need to find a solution that you can both live with. If one of you isn’t big on Christmas, there shouldn’t be an expectation that the other should be like you and vice versa if one of you is crazy about the season. My stepfather hates Christmas and can be really bah humbug about the whole thing but he made a huge effort each year. Now that we’re all grown up (OK and he’s not with my mum anymore), he doesn’t bother with any fanfare although he gets gifts for my daughters. The point? Sometimes it’s good not to be selfish/a party pooper.

25. If you’re thinking about breaking up, it’s best to stop thinking about it and either break up or get on with enjoying your Christmas. If you’re not sure that you want to break up and suspect that you may knee-jerk back to the relationship after Christmas, do the person you’re with a favour and keep it zipped so that your flip-flapping doesn’t put them through hell.

26. Do NOT leave it until the last minute to either break up or change shared plans. It’s a really shitty thing to do and you will blindside them and have them flailing around having to make alternative arrangements.

27. Know your relationship is on the rocks but insisting on keeping it together for Christmas? Really it’s the difference between a crap Christmas or a crap New Year – you’re putting off the inevitable.

28. If you have kids, it’s not nice to break up at Christmas as they will always associate it with the demise of your relationship. Trust me, I know so many people whose parents did just that and Christmas was never the same again.

29. If you do break up with someone, don’t continue to screw up their Christmas by screwing with their mind. Don’t call/email/text etc them so you can feel better. Don’t hit them up for sex. It’s not a crime for breaking up and/or not wanting to pretend but it’s an assclown thing to do to put your ego first. Don’t just think about your feelings – consider theirs.

30. If you’re dating and you haven’t made concrete plans by now, I would have a plan B. Especially when it’s early days with dating, it’s a lot of pressure on a relationship to have expectations for grand gifts or spending the entire holidays together. Let it be. Which brings me neatly to…

31. Don’t use Christmas to rush your relationship further along than it actually is. Seriously. If you use the season to have expectations or even make demands that don’t have the relationship experience and the emotions that reflect them, you will do medium to long-term damage to your relationship and create questions and panic in the other person.

32. Feeling anxious about Christmas with a partner as there’s a question mark over it? Six magic words: What are your plans for Christmas? The only reason we don’t ask questions is because we’re afraid of what we may hear or confirming what we know to be true. The fact is, you need to know.

33. Love is not being with someone who knows exactly what you want. You’re not the same person. If this is your first Christmas or there are some possible opportunities for confusion over the level of gift buying that is taking place, talk. You don’t need to suck the fun out of things but I know a lot of people, especially in the current economic climate that set an upper limit for gifts. I know other couples who save their energy for shopping in the new years sales.

34. Don’t use the season as an opportunity to try to pressure an engagement, wedding or baby out of someone. The festivities do end and you may be left with the sour taste of resentment to put up with next year.

35. Don’t reject the offer of plans with friends, family, and acquaintances because you don’t want to appear ‘lonely’ or ‘desperate’. There is such a thing as having too much pride and/or punishing yourself. It’s one thing if you are genuinely happy in your own company and want to be on your own but if you do want company, don’t reject it over how you might appear.

36. Tempted to get in contact with an ex? Hold that thought for at least 24 hours. List the reasons why you’re getting in touch and ensure that they are not short-term reasons but medium to long-term reasons that are evidence based. i.e Don’t get in touch because you hope they’ve changed or that they will if you take them back.

37. Seriously, don’t buy a gift for your ex or send them a card. You’ll just look weird.

38. If you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and get back on it. Don’t wallow. You sucked, you saw, learn your lesson and move on.

39. Worried about underspending on a first Christmas? Have a spare present hidden away that you can say ‘surprise!’. You can always return it if you don’t need to use it. Or surprise them anyway!

40. It’s not the price of the gift that counts, it’s the thought. Saying that though, if there is no ‘thought’ given to the gift, that says a lot too.

41. This time of year can be a test of your boundaries, particularly with family/friends who may take liberties and make demands. It’s up to you to work out what you want to say yes and no to, but recognise that if you don’t assert your boundaries and where appropriate, look for solutions for compromise, you’re going to feel very frustrated, resentful, and even angry. You cannot please everyone.

42. If you’re No Contact, keep busy and have options for what you can do when you feel bored so that you don’t look to your ex as a solution for the boredom. Have friends and family on call so you don’t look to your ex as a solution for loneliness. Have a list of the reasons why you’re NC as a solution for feeling nostalgic.

43. This time of year is really tough when you miss someone or you feel awful because it feels like they don’t miss you. We want people to care, to regret, to miss us. It’s understandable but be careful of being hijacked by these feelings and being compelled to chase them for a sign of their affection so that you can feel less rejected. It doesn’t mean someone doesn’t miss you if they don’t get in touch – they may know that the ship has sailed or are respecting your wishes because they know they can’t give you what you want. And sadly, they may miss you but it may not be for reasons you would like… Renew your focus on your own life.

44. If you’re No Contact/broken-hearted/not spending Christmas with someone, put yourself on a diet. This means setting yourself the task of focusing your thoughts and conversation on everything but them from the 24th-26th. Or choose a longer or shorter period but do at least a day.

45. Use the festive season to give yourself the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate. There is no benefit to you to sit there beating yourself up about your relationship choices. You’re human, you screw up, and either trust too much or trust in the wrong things instead of the right things. Spending the holidays blaming and shaming is of no benefit to you. You can’t change what’s happened but you can ensure that you counteract what has happened by treating yourself better and learning more about you and your choices so that you can avoid going down the same path. Knowledge is power. Forgiveness is power and I’ll put it this way: if you can forgive a romantic partner so easily, you should certainly be able to cut yourself some slack!

Your thoughts? How are you handling things?

Image credit: Juliaf SXC

Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.

Happy New Year & No Contact Ebook Out Tomorrow!

December 31, 2009 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

Just a quick pitstop to say happy new year everyone! Some of you are already in 2010! Hope you had a good one! Whatever you’re doing, enjoy yourself or just breathe out and relax. Don’t spend the evening waiting for a call or getting stood up or disappointed – you’re nobody’s backup!

Thank you all for your continued support and I look forward to being there for you in 2010 and beyond!

It’s been an incredible journey for me, not just this year, but the past decade. I’m still me, but I’m not the person filled with a lot of pain and self dislike that I was at the start – you can see my sum up of the decade over on my old personal blog. I started out tangled up in assclowns and unavailability, but it’s safe to say that that part of my life is behind me.

Stay strong, take care of you, and always remember that if loving someone means that you can’t love you, always choose you.

I’m not big on new years resolutions but a new year and a new decade, could, and should signal a fresh start. It’s time to embrace you, enjoy life, and exhale. Let go of the anger, the pain, the illusions, and work your way through it to the other side. Check out yesterday’s post on how you’ll be approaching love and relationships.

And…I have some good news. Tomorrow, I’ll be announcing how you can get your hands on my new No Contact Rule ebook which was written in response to so many questions about how to cut contact, why it’s necessary and effective, especially when you’ve had little or no boundaries, and how to maintain it.

On 31st January, How To Lose an Assclown in 90 Days will be available to buy. Yes, finally! Around the same time, if not before, Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl will be available in print.

I apologise for the delay in the books. Babies and nasty run of being unwell kicked my ass! The lessons of the decade are, assclowns and Mr Unavailables are bad for you and I’m not superwoman!

Lots of exciting things happening next year, see you then, love Natalie/NML xxx