when you want more commitment Archives - Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue

Without integrity in our relationships, we can’t be emotionally available

August 14, 2018 By NATALIE 17 Comments Reading Time: 5 Minutes

When I talk to people about their biggest struggles with relationships, an all too common complaint is struggling to deal with someone who is not willing to go the distance with intimacy and commitment. Each time they feel as if they’re making progress, this person gradually or even very sharply rolls things back to what I call their ‘status quo’ in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.

Imagine relationships on a scale of 0-10. The type of person who struggles with progression, balance, intimacy, commitment, and consistency – the landmarks of healthy relationships – wants to keep the relationship at 5. It’s like Goldilocks and The Three Bears: not too cold, not too hot, just right. “Just right” being right for their comfort zone not necessarily for their growth or that of the relationship.

**As a result, someone who is afraid of intimacy and commitment will always manage the relationship back to their comfort zone.**

Temperature ‘too high’ and not fitting with the perception of their self-worth? Cue lowering the temperature through sabotage and passive-aggressive behaviour. Things get ‘too good’ and ‘intimate’, they’ll undermine things in such a way that it gets back on their terms. Like when you meet their friends or go on an amazing holiday, and they pick or fight or disappear afterwards…

Told them to jog on? Cue them suddenly blowing hot and you feeling as if you’re approaching 8 or beyond. You think the fantasy is finally going to come true. And then gradually the relationship slides back down to 5. Like when you end it with someone who refused to commit or who mistreated you. Next thing, you’re experiencing an onslaught of effort and big declarations about the future. And then poof, you’re back to square one again.

The frustration in these situations unreal but also is the clue to our own liberation.

One of the single most significant changes that we can make to our relationship experiences as well as our self-esteem is to be more emotionally honest and to maintain our integrity.

When we’re in an unavailable relationship, we gradually lose our integrity. If we were truly being honest with ourselves (and them), we wouldn’t stick around in the relationship for as long as we have. Being someone whose actions and words match would matter too much to give it up. We wouldn’t say, “I need this and this and this” and then stick around when it’s clearly not there on the basis that we can see so much ‘potential’. We wouldn’t say that we’re “done” if certain things don’t happen and then stay anyway because we’re too afraid to honour ourselves.

How can we expect someone to be honest with us when they’re not even honest with themselves?

Be Careful What You Wish For (Or Raise Your Standards By Wishing For More)

March 2, 2018 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

An acquaintance realised that she was getting what she wished for when she found herself dumped and alone on her birthday. Her then-boyfriend was typically twitchy about committing to having breakfast with her the following day and could be damn-near hostile about hanging out with her friends and family, tending to bail on events or cause drama afterwards. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that no matter how fabulous she was, he wasn’t going to be chomping at the bit to settle down, never mind make her feel special on her birthday. It wasn’t his inclination or his typical pattern of behaviour.

How the hell did this happen?, she wondered. From her perspective, she was the doting, patient, loving girlfriend who saw beyond his ‘quirky’ ways to his potential. She couldn’t understand what she was doing wrong and why each boyfriend had an allergy to commitment.

And then she realised something: each boyfriend had been what she wanted at that time.

This guy was muscly, tick, very good looking, tick, gave her butterflies, tick, ‘spontaneous’, tick (she never knew when he was going to show up or when he was going to pull a Houdini, plus he tended to expect her to drop everything), great in bed, tick, and had a good job, tick. This was what she found attractive and she went out with variations of the same guy in different packages, always trying to meet their needs in the hope that they would meet hers.

As usual, she had got what she was looking for, it’s just that she didn’t like what else it came with.

She hadn’t realised that her type is also moody, ambivalent, prone to selfishness, passive aggressive and reluctant to take responsibility.

Podcast Ep. 51: Why Did We Break Up? #6 – Moving Goalposts

September 27, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for a Why Did We Break Up? episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

One of the recurring themes in Why Did We Break Up? is people putting their partners on pedestals. It’s one thing when we pinch ourselves as if we can’t believe our luck when it’s the early days but we’ve got to give this up and level up with our partners if we want our relationships to be truly equitable and loving.

Naomi was in the process of ending a one-year relationship and planning to go travelling in Australia when she met Alex in a London club. She had no interest as she technically still had a boyfriend but a couple of weeks of some aggressive pursuit and she’d ended her relationship and started dating Alex. It got off to a flying start with a ‘pretend engagement’ on the first date but several weeks in he was accidentally calling her his ex’s name on holiday and talking about the ex all the time ‘we this’ and we that’ and despite much initial marriage talk, no ring ever materialised.

After waiting in vain for him to propose of his own volition, she finally broached the subject of marriage five years in only for him to reveal that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to get married although he assured her that he still loved her and that they were planning children together. Another year or so down the line and he’s not sure if he wants children but assures her that he still loves her. Another few months down the road and just one week before they close on a house purchase, he’s saying that he’s not sure how he feels about her. Another few months down the road and she finally ends it, only for him to say that he hadn’t been sure how he felt for a few years. Oh, and he’s now going out with a woman who has her own child. You couldn’t make this shizzle up!

You can listen to this podcast below. If you enjoy the show, please subscribe either on Soundcloud or on iTunes. If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this handy guide.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here)–it really helps in growing the show. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

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Podcast Ep. 40: Relationships Need Purpose & Direction, Handling Narcissists, Disapproving of a Friend’s Partner & Plans

August 12, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 2 Minutes

It’s time for another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.

In episode 40, I cover:

Is a future allowed?: I talk about why it’s perfectly OK for somebody to not want a relationship but if you do, it needs to have purpose and direction otherwise it has no aim. You need to know that exploring the possibilities and having a future is a possibility.

Handling narcissistic co-workers, family members, and romantic partners: Whether they’re narcissistically inclined or an actual narcissist, the 18 tips that I share will reduce your baggage in this area but also lessen their impact on you. More reads: We Need To Talk About Narcissists | Episode 2: What’s The Baggage Behind It? | Episode 5: Dealing With Tricky Co-Workers | Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Redirecting your energy: The same energy that goes into making you unworthy could be used to make you the opposite.

Listener Question: Sarah’s friend is marrying someone who is 20 years her senior and it’s bringing up feelings of disapproval as well as questions about her own life. What do you do when you disapprove of your friend’s partner, plans and choices?

What I Learned This Week: I’ve been reminded yet again that I really do not need to dim my light for my siblings.

Leave a comment or post on Facebook, and please, if you enjoy it, subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy it, please help spread the word. It all helps. Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com. If there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Enjoy!

Advice Wednesday: Should I Worry About His Reluctance To Label Our Relationship?

July 27, 2016 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Lauren asks: I have been seeing a guy for around 4/5 months and the other night he brought it up and we had “the talk” and he expressed how he doesn’t want to put a label on it out of fear it might change and if it happens it will happen naturally. He’s also come out of a difficult relationship as I did before we met each other. Do you think I should be worried? I’m insecure because of being treated badly and cheated on for 6 years and now I am a bit of a mess! He’s lovely to me and I think I just need to chill I think, but its hard to stop my overthinking and expecting every guy to be like my ex and hurt me! Help.

There’s something here that you’re both reflecting to back to each other—both of you are still hurting/affected by your previous partners and have trust issues. This doesn’t mean that either of you are in love with and want to get back together with your exes but whichever way you slice it, neither of you are over your exes where you have the confidence to lean into your relationship. You’re both still angry with your exes and to some degree angry with yourselves—neither of you are in the place where you can choose better boundaries and presentness as a way of moving on from the previous involvements.

This tells you that you’re each coming from similar levels of emotional availability hence why things have been workable so far.

Now, a few months in, he has broached “the talk” because he needs to manage your expectations.

This turn of events does not have to spell doom for your relationship but it is a wake-up call to 1) get grounded and 2) address the root cause of your respective issues.

Each of you not only have a duty of care to yourselves but also to each other—if you are both going to pursue this relationship in spite of your respective past hurts that you’re both grappling with, you each need to be extra vigilant about taking responsibility for ensuring that you differentiate between the past and the present and that you don’t put it on each other to clean up the mess left by your exes.

This means that he can’t expect you to be extra easy to compensate for him having been in a difficult relationship and that you can’t rely on him to reassure you against doubts that are springing from insecurities related to your ex.

You also need to figure out what you want because yes, he is “lovely to [you]” but if you don’t want to be in something ambiguous that he’s reticent about putting a ‘label’ on because he on some level believes that all relationships go belly up the moment that each party commits to something, it’s only going to be a matter of time before things become “difficult”. Speaking of which, as his reasons for not wanting to label things are based on his ex, it’s also important that you know what “difficult” refers to—it’s a sign of availability for a relationship whether a person understands why their relationship broke down (so that it doesn’t keep showing up in your relationship if it’s a recurring issue).

All relationships change—sure, there are some that regress, go in fits and starts, or come to a halt, but there are plenty of relationships that grow. Things will not happen “naturally” if one party has gone out of their way to put the brakes on things.

He is offering you a relationship without purpose or direction and after settling for your ex, I would tread very carefully about what you settle for in this relationship. This doesn’t mean that this guy is similar to your ex–only you know whether you’ve chosen differently–but unless you are also not ready to be in a relationship, don’t settle for not being in one.

If this relationship doesn’t work out, it won’t be because it was labelled or you weren’t pleasing or good enough but because the relationship wasn’t right for the both of you. His relationship didn’t break down because a label was put on it so he needs to get to a more honest place so that he can heal and move forward. If the relationship does continue, he’s got to be OK with normality and navigating life’s bumps together rather than wanting to take a parachute and jump when he thinks that it’s ‘changing’.

You need to address your own pain over your past relationship. Being treated badly and cheated on for a few weeks or months never mind 6 years, significantly affects a person. Instead of being insecure because on some level you still blame yourself for his treatment, it would be better to invest your time and energies into understanding what got you into that relationship and what kept you in it. When you can recognise the baggage behind that decision, you can make peace with you knowing that you won’t be using the same thinking and habits going forward. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship but needing one at any cost including being willing to marginalise your needs, is a fast track to pain. If you “chill” with this guy, it has to be on the merit of your relationship with him and from an autonomous choice, not from a place of insecurity and on some level feeling coerced into it.

Be honest with yourself: Are you devoting a lot of your time and energies into pleasing him? Do you feel anxious when you’re not people pleasing? This is a sign of codependency. Spend time with a therapist (or your chosen mode of support) to figure out where you end and he (or others) begin.

I would also get clear on what “lovely” means because—and I’m not saying that he’s not as lovely as you say he is—things get put out of context when you’ve been involved with someone like your ex. It’s like eating a cracker in the desert after being starved for 6 months. Write it all down so that you have a true and honest picture of what you feel invested in.

Take things slow, keep a Feelings Diary so that you can decipher what you’re feeling and tune in to your inner voice instead of your inner critic and other ego noise that might try to convince you out of your feelings and needs. Keep it real with him (don’t pussyfoot around him), and do keep up an open dialogue. This might be a situation that you can both be OK with for a couple of months or so while you each get yourselves sorted out but if he’s still trying to sell you an unlabelled relationship in the medium to long term, it’s time to walk away, fast. He’s within his rights not to want to commit to anything but you’re also within your rights to decide that that’s not something you want to be a part of. You deserve love, care, trust, respect, and possibilities.

Have you been in a ‘go with the flow’ relationship? What did you do? How worried would you be if you were in this situation?

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Commitment: If they can’t show up for the basics, they won’t be able to show up for the long haul

June 13, 2014 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

So many people who feel twitchy about commitment say stuff like, “Natalie, it’s too much to expect somebody to know if they want to commit in the early stages of the a relationship”, which is the same as saying, “It’s too much to expect a person to make any decisions no matter how basic, in the early stages of a relationship.” A bit of probing and it becomes clear that that they’re twitchy about commitment because they associate the term with forever. Personally, I’d be damn scared of dating and being emotionally honest if I thought that me saying, “I like you. Let’s spend more time getting to know each other”, was going to be taken as an iron-clad forever agreement.

Commitment is a decision and we make decisions in all areas of our life and without even being conscious about half of the ones that we’re making – we use habits to take care of a lot of our decision making, sometimes too much so.

In terms of dating and relationships, when it comes to commitment, we phase it in – something I’ve written about before. At its most basic level, commitment is about showing up and then choosing and re-choosing to keep showing up to the relationship in a committed (decided at that level) capacity. If the person you’re with cannot show up for and with the basics, they’re not someone that you should be strapping yourself to for the long haul.

No matter whether we’ve just been introduced via a dating site or just met (stage 0), whether we’re dating (stage 1), whether we’re in a relationship (stage 2), whether we’re evolving into something more long-term (stage 3), or whether we’ve made a level of commitment that says that we’re in this for good (stage 4), all of these require us to show up.

This past Monday marked our two-year wedding anniversary – incidentally, after two years of being blanked, my father called and apologised but we’ll save that one for another day. One of the things I know with absolute certainty is that I can’t decide that I don’t feel like showing up to my marriage tomorrow. I can’t decide to emotionally check out or start shopping around. Well actually I could but in doing so, I would be making a decision that takes me in the opposite direction of commitment.

If I’d had a problem with showing up in the previous stages, that in itself would have indicated that we shouldn’t have been making another level of commitment through marriage.

I see relationships and the phases of commitment in a similar fashion to children learning to read. Here in England, they have different reading levels (by colour) and as the kids move up the levels, they enhance their literacy skills. Somebody who is on yellow – a preschooler – won’t have the same literacy level as someone who is a few levels along.

When we go from stage 0 and move along, we are becoming emotionally and relationship literate about each other, or at least we hope we are if we’re both working together.

Problems arise for instance, when we take stage 4 declarations seriously from someone who we’ve only been introduced to via a dating site (stage 0) or when we have ‘forever’ feelings and expectations for that person. This is Fast Forwarding and Future Faking. It also shows a lack of comprehension for what a relationship takes – action with time and experience.

About ‘going with the flow’

May 6, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

I’ve been on a few trips with people where one or both of us have suggested that we ‘go with the flow’ instead of making firm plans. I found that we were either on the same page and had a great time or… it turned out to be a clash of ideals because one of us had firm ideas about what they did or didn’t want to do which reared their ugly head while ‘flowing’. Since then, I know not to take the easy route of suggesting ‘the flow’ if it’s not my true want, especially because it paves the way for an honest conversation about what we both want to get out of the trip.

Similarly in relationships, if you’re both travelling in the same direction (similar outlook, needs, wants, expectations etc), it’s easy to ‘go with the flow’ organically, especially when you’re both willing to have an open dialogue in the interests of going with that flow. Where it becomes problematic is when one of you is doing your best to stall the flow or to steer down a different path, possibly while still claiming that you’re ‘going with the flow’.

In dating and relationships, the suggestion of ‘going with the flow’ can create unease if it crops up in a conversation where you are essentially seeking clarification about the other person’s position and/or the status of your relationship.

Time and again I’ve heard people express how the moment they heard this, it was the start of a slide down a slippery slope of self-doubt (Am I being needy/uptight?) and not listening to their own needs, expectations and wishes to ensure that they tallied up with the ‘flow’ that was being suggested.

Phased In Commitment – Reality based instead of hope based commitment

March 27, 2013 By NATALIE Reading Time: 3 Minutes

In the past I used to commit to air aka ‘hope’ with heavy notes of bullshit. This set me up to be repeatedly disappointed by effectively Future Faking myself (projecting a future so I could get away with or get stuff in the present) and often allowing others to Future Fake and Fast Forward me, the latter being when someone uses speed and intensity in the beginning or when wooing you back or distracting you from what may be their assclownary or just the lack of matching words and action.

When reality didn’t match my hopes and expectations, I’d either be left wounded, disappointed and grudgingly single again or, I’d dig deeper into the How Low Can You Go Bunker and roll out the people pleasing big guns because it was ‘easier’ than admitting that I’d made a mistake.

There came a point in my life when I literally could not stomach anymore bullshit and it was when the prognosis for my then illness was pretty dire and I also had to face the fact that I’d spent 4.5 out of 5 months wondering if I was in a relationship with someone and being mucked around. These two things along with no longer being willing to play a role within my family that left me feeling powerless and it was time for me to breathe in the air of reality.

Overactive imaginations, insecurity and a penchant for responsibility dodging don’t go well with romantic relationships so I determined to be reality based and to phase in commitment – in effect, The Debit and Credit Trust System. This means entering into relationships and situations with a basic level of trust due to being safe in the knowledge that you have your own back due to being a resident in reality.

The BS Diet – Why you need to stop denying, minimising, and rationalising

April 6, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 4 Minutes

Every time a friend has spoken to me about her frustrations with her boyfriend over the past year, she keeps mentioning him smoking “a bit of weed” and his drinking habits and then quickly playing them down. Someone else I know is shrinking and rationalising the fact that her boyfriend keeps rubbernecking other women when they’re out and denying it when she says calls him on it. When I was in New York a few months ago, one reader described her ex as being “a bit of an alcoholic” and other readers have said stuff like “he’s a bit unavailable”, “she has a little bit of a problem being honest”, “he dabbles in drugs”, “he gets a bit angry” and stalwart favourites “He/she has his good points” and “We have had some good times”.

There are three things that can get you in hot water in relationships and will create honesty issues with yourself: denying, minimising, and rationalising.

They are in fact different aspects of denial except for:

Denying is refusing to admit the existence of something.

Minimising is playing down the truth of something or its significance.

Rationalising is trying to explain, justify and even excuse something with what you feel are plausible explanations which of course can end up crossing into denial.

There is a very simple reason why these actions are dangerous in your relationships and affect your authenticity and how honest you are about who and what you’re involved in:

If you deny the existence of something it means that you deny your feelings and perceptions, as well as the true impact of it and what it means to you and your relationship.

If you minimise something, by playing down the significance of it which could be about the danger it could pose, what it means to the possibility of a mutually fulfilling healthy relationship, or even what it means about your own actions, you’re basically playing down your true feelings and perception of it, as well as the impact.

If you rationalise something and you’re doing it without healthy beliefs and relationship habits as a basis of your rationale, you’ll end up rationalising your true feelings and perception plus if you’re excusing, and justifying, you’re denying. Instead of taking the simple but what may be the more painful meaning of that something, you rationalise it to make it more palatable.

We only have to deny, minimise and rationalise when we don’t like what the true meaning is – this is an issue with acceptance. That and you need to go on The Bullshit Diet.

Can you elevator pitch your relationship issues or breakup? The importance of summarising and identifying issues

April 4, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

I remember several years ago after a breakup that people would ask why we’d ended and I’d launch into the full tale. After a few weeks of matinee and evening performances, I noticed that the explanation time was shrinking from A Very Long Time, to several minutes, and eventually to less than a minute. Not only was I bored of the sound of my own voice, but it worried me somewhat that it would take so long to get to the point – we broke up because we were incompatible and were both in the relationship and originally attracted to each other for the wrong reasons.

In business, people like business owners and product developers use an elevator pitch to summarise their products, service, or business in anything from thirty seconds to a couple of minutes. It’s invaluable because it helps to cut through the fluff and get to the nuts and bolts of the offering and sell the business/concept effectively.

I get a lot of people telling me about their relationships and some say the same rehearsed tale time and time again but are no closer to identifying why their relationship ended. I get it – feelings are hurt, emotions are involved and it may feel like there’s a lot of ground to cover and that everything or the person is very complicated. It’s not.

How we choose to view the relationship or their actions & how much we read into them is complicated but the situation or what they’re doing is actually much simpler…it’s just that we often don’t like what the simple meaning is. That and we often add layers of excuses, denial and all sorts onto it.

While being able to describe your relationship chapter and verse certainly has its uses, it’s also important to be able to summarise why your relationship isn’t working or didn’t work out so that you identify the problem(s). Often we go into an extensive explanation to make ourselves feel better about the fundamental reasons, reasons that you may actually be trying to avoid.

Remember the fairy tale The Princess and the Pea where the queen hid a pea under the mattress to prove if the girl the prince loved was actually a real princess? Well imagine all the illusions and excuses that you add on to the story of why things are not working as the mattresses and the true issue as the pea.

No matter how many layers of excuses and denial ‘mattresses’ that you put on there, you will always feel the ‘pea’ – the problem.

Relationships in a Nutshell: Co-pilots, drivers, passengers and the importance of a joint agenda

April 1, 2011 By NATALIE Reading Time: 5 Minutes

Ever since I wrote about casual relationships followed by the landmarks of healthy relationships, I’ve heard from many readers who wanted me to expand on these subjects some more.

Healthy relationships have joint agendas and co-pilots and unhealthy ones have drivers and passengers with solo and hidden agendas.

When you recognise the importance of being a co-pilot sans a hidden agenda, not only will it be far harder to be swept along by an unavailable or assclown tide, but you’ll no longer be ‘helpless’ in your relationships and will have the ability to work out where you’re at.

We can become very focused on the ‘hallmarks’ – these are what we consider to be the ‘markings’ of a relationship such as sleeping together over an extended period of time, having things in common, great sex, a ‘connection’, ‘chemistry’, future talk, being introduced to people, etc as well as big ticket commitment items like moving in, babies, marriage. These are nice, great even, to have, but without the landmarks, your relationship is all shirt, no trousers.

Many people chase stuff like passion, chemistry and common interests and then wonder why it’s not working. They assume that if these elements are present that the landmarks will automatically follow.

The landmarks of healthy relationships are intimacy, consistency, balance, progression, and commitment as well as shared values and what should come as standard in any relationship – love, care, trust, and respect.

If you have the hallmarks without the landmarks, your relationship is either casual and/or unhealthy. Before you go doing any big ticket commitment items, I suggest you make sure that the landmarks are present first.

As individuals, we each have our own agenda which caters to taking care of our self-esteem with boundaries and healthy beliefs, as well as our values that tell us what we believe are the most important things for us to live authentically and happily.

We use dating as a discovery phase to discover the facts about one another and ultimately whether we can have a shared agenda that respects each party healthily as individuals while creating a common journey for the relationship.

Healthy relationships have co-pilots steering them along with open discussion about the joint agenda as well as all of the landmarks – no hidden agendas. You will steer and plot your journey together and even if at times, one has to man the steering, they continue with the joint agenda. These are mutually fulfilling relationships.