Following on from part one of my 10 Christmas survival tips for the heartbroken and assclown and Mr Unavailable lovers, here are my last five tips:
6. Get a life
It is easy to put yourself in park when you are already the type of person who bases their existence on the man in their life. No matter what time of year it is, it’s never a good idea to put your life on hold for a man or to grieve one (especially if he’s a dipstick) but it’s also not a good idea to believe the sun, moon, and stars come out of his arse. Why? Well aside from the obvious truth that they don’t, if you don’t have a life unless a man is in it, you will end up equating him just as much with your happiness as you do with your misery. If you’ve let friends, family, and even the relationship with your kids take a bit of a knock because of your relationship escapades, this is as good a time as any to refocus your efforts. Trust me…to do anything that is about the guy is like peeing into the wind and chucking everything you have down a black hole.
7. If he makes contact with you, ask what he wants
The easy route is to hear from one of these guys and jump to conclusions and start building sandcastles in the sky. ‘He sent me a text message… He’s obviously missing me and wants to get back together’ you start thinking. Suddenly you’re shaving your legs, rescheduling plans, and fantasising. Er..guess again!
I don’t give a monkey’s that it’s Christmas. Ask him what he wants. If he calls you, turns up on the doorstep, sends you a message in a bottle, or pops up on IM, ask him what he wants.
‘I just wanted to say merry Christmas…’ he says.
‘Thanks. Merry Christmas to you too. OK well thanks for calling…’ you say as you’re about to hang up.
‘Woah, woah! What’s the rush?’ he asks.
‘X, in case you’ve forgotten, we’ve broken up…’ you reply.
‘But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends…you know…because I was kind of thinking we could hang out together later….’ he says pretend hesitantly.
‘Hang out? What does that mean?’
‘You know…’
‘No I don’t know… Are you suggesting that we get back together?’
‘i…er…I…er…oh for effs sake! Can’t we just have a bit of fun?!’ he says exasperated.
And bingo! now you know what he wants. I’ll put it this way – what you want and he want are highly unlikely to be the same. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you’re getting back together when he thinks he’s hooking up or just ‘being nice’ so he can get an ego stroke!
The key is not to assume. Ask questions and get firm answers and do not pass go without doing so. You will spare yourself any further pain or even humiliation.
8. Pass up stroking his ego and start stroking your own
Whatever energy you have been directing at him, turn it back on yourself and start focusing on making you feel good. Spending your time obsessing and devoting your thoughts to him just keeps you in the pit of misery and no matter how much you think you want to wallow in there, don’t. Be kind to yourself and be compassionate instead of riding your own arse like Zorro about ‘mistakes’ that you’ve made and analysing the past. Start treating yourself and thinking of you as much as you do him and even though it is hard, fake it till you feel it. The more you do for yourself and the more you think of yourself (in a positive light) is the more your self-esteem rises. Trust me, whilst loving him often feels bad, loving you feels good and it also heals and prepares you for welcoming a real man who will put both of his feet in the relationship and value you for who you are.
9. If you keep feeling nostalgic or on the brink of temptation, start getting statistical
When it comes to heartbreak and loving chumps, your imagination is far too harsh on you and far too kind to them. Before you give into nostalgia and write yourself a brilliant ending to your fairy tale, start dealing in cold, hard facts.
Work out how long you’ve been together for and when the good times/hot phase ended. You would be amazed at the glass is half full mentality of women that lets us forget that we’ve been with a man for a year yet it’s been blood sweat and tears for 9 months. Yes…that means it’s been misery city for 75% of your relationship…
Write down his most recent attempts at contact or meeting up with you and wrk out what the true nature of his actions for.The likely reasons:
a) ego stroke
b) checking to make sure you haven’t moved on
c) shag
d) all of the above
Remember, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it is a duck.
That means if he calls up, makes small talk, then you end up meeting up for a shag, then things return to the same shitty ways, that’s because he is using you for sex.
That means if he calls up, gets an ego stroke, promises to call…and then doesn’t…it’d because he got what he wanted – an ego stroke, the assurance that the door is still open and that you still haven’t wisened up to what a chump he is, and proof that he can get on with his life as normal and come back when he needs his next ego stroke.
It’s not because you’re irresistible and it’s not because he really wants to be a better guy but just hasn’t found his way to it. It is what it is.
10. Use the festive season to give yourself the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate
There is no benefit to you to sit there beating yourself up about your relationship choices. You’re human, you f*ck up, and you trust too much in the wrong things and not enough in the right things. Yes you could chastise yourself for not seeing him for what he was but what will that do? Is it going to achieve anything? Er no… It’s just an opportunity to blame yourself and avoid doing something about your life. You can’t change what’s happened but you can ensure that you counteract what has happened by treating yourself better and learning more about you and your choices so that you can avoid going down the same path. Knowledge is power. Forgiveness is power and I’ll put it this way – if you can forgive a guy so easily, you should certainly be able to cut yourself some slack!
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to you all! Love Natalie/NML x
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men with my book, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
Add to favorites
Fabulous!!! Happy Holidays!
gulp, thanks for this post saved me .. again
Thanks Natalie, and Happy Christmas to everybody.
Thank god I did’nt end up being with my MM – he stayed with his wife and I am now so very glad, they show their true colours in the end but we have to choose to look at them and not to look away. With the support from this site I saw what a selfish dickhead he really was and cut all ties – 3 months of NC now after a 4 and a half year relationship! I am now the most important person in my life now.
All the best for 2009! X
Natalie, thank you for the lovely article yet again, you are right about assclowns, it is keep repeating….number 9! That what kept happening to me and I kept accepting this very stupid situation:-( Not anymore, everything will be different in 2009!
Happy Christmas Natalie and lovely ladies!!!
Thank you for #10. I really hate Christmas, but thanks for the reminder of giving this gift to ourselves. I need it. Happy Holidays girl!
Hi All
I haven’t heard from my EUM for a week until yesterday when he text to wish me Merry Xmas and said he thort he had better cos I wasn’t talking to him! I never replied because although it is the season for good will to all men I think yes except this one. I seen him out on Friday and Saturday night of last week and he didn’t speak to me let alone look in my direction and we were in the same pub! I then got another TEXT at 2am this morning say ing Merry Xmas again Nat. I again never replied. Last Monday I went and bought a stack of pressies for him and got him to try them on and he said great wrap them up for Xmas. When he left the room his mam (he lives with her) said to me ” Natalie you realise he won’t be able to buy you much as he is on the dole. I was like oh I know. Then on the weekend he goes out Thursday, Friday Saturday!!!!!! Like thats where his money goes then??? No wonder I wasn’t gunna get any pressies. I am done with this guy. But why has he been in touch because it certainly wasn’t to apologise or say hey I realise I want you and am willing to change! Any thoughts??
PS needless to say I took his presents back or sold them on ebay and actually made more money than I spent !!!! So Cheers EUM
Thanks, NML, this is just what we all need to read, to help us go forward with strength and confidence, wiping the dust of the past from our heels as we move into the New Year (and out of EUMville!)
Love and best wishes for the season to all!
Well I got my Merry Christmas text after 35 days of no contact. At first it caught me off guard and it felt like I could not breath and I almost picked up the phone a texted a Merry Christmas back… then I caught myself and took a deep breath then took a shower….and my common sense started to return. I soon realized that his text was just a fishing trip like throwing a little bait out to see if I would take him up on it. A real man would have at least picked up the phone for a try at speaking to me. The text is so cowardly and he was probably with someone else for all I know.
Because he is such a EUM he is probably spending the holiday by himself and needed a little stroking from those of us who are so willing to do so. If I would have texted back he would not have felt so alone he would have thought I was still thinking about him he would have walked around all day with a smile on his face….he would think that I carry my phone around in hopes of hearing from him still. I would be the one wishing all day long that I had not been so weak to have fallen for the bait….ruining yet another holiday.
Instead I put my self together and feel smarter for not having fallen for his 1/2 hearted attempt at reaching me.
Let him think that perhaps I am with someone worthy of me…for if he would have treated me better he never would have to wonder about me being with someone else.
I had contact with my ex-EUM on the computer and yesterday he graduated to the phone…I know I’m on a slippery slope and have to realize that even though we have had a history together, I have to let it go and move on to a man who can commit. My ex is not a bad guy, just can’t commit and selfish. I fall back into the same type of conversation with him…just shooting the breeze so to speak. I wish I would have read this post before talking to him and ask him point blank why he is contacting me without the guise of Happy Holidays. I do know that I am not going to wrap my world around or obsess too much about our conversation…I just know it opened the door to contact again…I know I will confront the situation head on next time or just ignore and restore NC. I think he needs to know that a committed relationship is the only relationship I could accept from him and unless he’s changed (maybe there’s been a miracle..LOL) then I will not have a fling with him or an undefined relationship.
Happy Holidays to ALL
OH WOW….saved me some self-torture …. yet, again. But as I look back over this year and where I was last year before I ‘found’ you..I can not believe how much strength and support this community is for me. It really helps to try to untangle the reason why we put up with so much crap. Heck, we look for it. I know I did. I’ll be much more careful in the future….at least I hope I will be.
Hello, all.
Received my Merry Christmas text contact from my EUM about an hour ago – after 4 weeks of NC. I had (and have) no intention of responding – but I was feeling pretty down. I checked out this site immediately – thanks for the 10 Survival Tips – nice to have a bit of reinforcement.
Best wishes for a heart-healthy 2009 to all!
Thecat, what kind of presents did you get from him??
We have one more holiday to go……..ugh.
I’m so happy! I’ll offically have all of my stuff out of my old place with my ex-EUM this weekend and will be offically untied of everything by the end of the month.
Thanks for the article. It’s a gem. However it came one ‘Merry Xmas’ text too late. And yes, I’ve been a puddle of self esteem since then.
Now I know to always read baggagereclaim before texting, dialing, or emailing.
funny story: Glad I read this post–The MM called me last night while I was home watching TV. I ignored earlier calss. I am not seeing him but we have had some phone contact. After the holidays I am going NC for the 4 or 5th time. I am not ready to let go entirely yet, and thats OK. He wanted me to come and meet him and his two friends who know about me. I said no, that is stupid and why would I do that? He said he wanted to see me. While I was on the phone he said someone was trying to reach him–put me on hold. We he switched back, he said it was his wife and she wanted to know who he was talking to. Went on for a minute or two saying she was yelling at him blah blah……I just told him I didn’t want to hear about it and said goodbye. They never GET it.
Astelle I haven’t had any presents off him however I went out with a couple of mates last night and he was in the same pub. As he was leaving he said your pressie in in our mams house (he lives with his mam). I just said WHAT???!
Then I got a text saying your pressie is in our mams house. This is obviously because I never gave him the response he wanted when he spoke to me.
I text back saying there ain’t no pressie. This is after a week of No contact. I was drunk and should have thought better.
Then very late on say 2am this morning he texted asking if I was in a certain nightclub. I again stupidly text back saying no I was at a party. He can’t of got the desired effect to his booty call. So he text me saying ok f**k off then!!!!! I text saying whatever ha ha ha have a good night. I know what you are all thinking I shouldn’t of text especially after a week of no contact and I feel so stupid today for doing it.
Then an hour ago he preceeded to send me all the texts I sent him last night. I can’t work him out he is very strange. I text saying what are you doing sending me all the texts. But he is an EUM and I don’t think that can ever be fathomed out.
I am so mad with myself though now and I am dying to send him a text asking what he is playing at but I never get any answer out of him when I start aksing questions about where its going so I have to sit on hands for now.
Hi Shae, Oh they do ‘GET’ it…… you were on hold…. and you held! I know its hard but stick with the NC rule. I wish you better times ahead. Iv’e come to believing that most men are just a waste of make-up!
Happy New Year everybody! X
oh dear oh dear..this is a good post, I literally just came back to it to try and get a hold of myself and remind myself why I am not to write him..
Been with NC for 3 months now, and managed to stay away from getting in touch for his birthday and for christmas (both in the same week), but I feel i’m weakening a bit. I know it’s stupid and i’m the one who started nc but the fact that he’s not trying to get in touch with me is driving me crazy. How insane is that? Aaarrgh
Honeyshy
I love the way you put that about “being on hold” that is a great analogy! Thats what my EUM was checking on with his Christmas text…..to see if i was still on hold. I am no longer on hold but getting on with my life and figuring things out so I do not fall for it again.
ibby,
He was probably just waiting to see if you would contact him on his birthday and Christmas it was kind of your move to do so for a birthday…..congratulations for not being predictable you have made a point that you are done with his crap. Now he has to look in the mirror or he will look for someone else who he can be a jerk to.
One thing that helps me get through the tough times with my NC is that he will probably think of me as the one that got away because I broke it off with him instead of him breaking it off with me.
As I’m going through a seperation into a divorce things are sticky as he’s helping with maintenance and rent till I get on my feet; he also “wants to be friends” but he’s already coming round to the house with fresh hickeys and scratches…seems he’s found a hew girlfriend (to replace the last four/five/six he’s had even before I kicked him out). I’d love to have no contact whatsoever but since we have a son it isn’t so easy. I am however trying to figure out how to move on since he obviously has managed to do so. I guess we’ll see…but man if I didn’t have to see this man every week it would certainly help.
shae, actually YOU don’t get it, he is MARRIED, so what is your question? Sorry, I had to point that out, cut contact with this lying peace of sh*t and find a single man.
Oh my god my EUM is playing mind games now Xmas has been and gone and he hasn’t had to spend any money on me. Got a text a 1am this morning saying Hi Nat then the same text at 4am this morning. Just both fishing texts to see if I would rise to the bait and I didn’t reply. Now I have had a couple of texts and yesterday get this he sent me one saying he told his mate to take the sports car he bought me for Xmas back. He is claiming job seekers so I had to reply with “you can’t afford a sports car!” and he text back “or yes I can darl”. He reckons he has thousands in the bank that he can’t touch. His last two exes fleeced him of all his money and now I know why they did it! It is the only way to hurt him is to hit him where it hurts. His wallet! The last one left him with nothing took the lot and now he trying to sue her to get it back.
He thinks I will chase him if I think he has money but this is where me and his exes differ. I actually have a very good job, my own house, a car and now I have the sense to leave this sorry Mo Fo behind!!!!! hahahahahaha.
Please keep me in line and thanks. My gf’s just shake their heads at me.
Thecat>sometimes they ask where you are so they can avoid running into you with another woman.
Astelle>Yes I get that he is married. We have been in and out for 5 plus years. This started when I was married. What he doesn’t get is why I don’t want to be with him anymore and how I want him to leave me alone, let me move on, until he makes the break with her. He constantly checks to see if I still love him, even when I am doing NC. I am dating other single men. It will just take me sometime to put it all behind so I can open my heart to others.
Nikki, good for you, now you can really move on and put this in your past!
Oh dear to me I accepted an imcoming call on my mobile and it was Mr. Eum, it didn’t come up with his name thats why I answered it..
And everything I have read such as why are you calling me flew out of my head and we had a conversation which ended with an invitation out for my birthday…. Think if my birthday had been at any other time of the year he would have left me alone… Its like I have learnt nothing and put myself back at square one for which I am totally responsible for… now feeling flat and down…. which I knew I would as soon as I said hello…
He tells me all his new years eve plans felt like he was bragging and making sure I knew I was excluded from his group of course he didn’t ask me my plans… NOOOOOOOOOOOOO of course NOT …
OH the stupid games ….. Hopefully over the next few days in which I am busy I can forget about him again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sorry just needed a good rant ……
i love this site i realise that i am not alone thankyou xxx
This is by far “THE” hardest types of relationships to get over and out of! I can relate to everyone here. For Xmas my EUM showed up with a card and a coat (I had broken up with him Dec 1st) and ofcourse the flood of feelings came rushing back of… oh– he does have a heart, he does care, maybe he does miss me! But like NML says this is all about them!!! AND IT SUCKS!!!! Ofcourse it is hard for us women who are caring and compassionate and have a heart not to feel compassion when they make gestures like this and it takes a strong will not to fall into it again because we soooo want to believe what we really wish and not what they are in reality. I think this has been the hardest part for me…. I have to literally keep telling myself like a broken record… this is not who he really is…. this is just a tactic for his own ego– it has nothing to do with him caring or finally seeing the light!! IT is his way of making sure that we are still there. Oh look how nice I am– I wrote you a card….said I LOVE YOU in it and gave you a coat… see im not ASS!!! And then before you know it….. its back to the same thing again!!! Stay strong ladies!!! This is a hard one— but we can do it. I too am glad that I found this site and feel better knowing that I am not alone!!
stay strong Karen i am going to make 2009 f@ckwIt free x
Hey everyone: first time actually posting and wow what a site. I did discover this very helpful place about a month ago and thank god I found it and thanks.
What I really want to know if any of you ladies have heard these lines from your EUMs. (SOME of these lines I got after we broke up through of course a text)
I got the “it’s not you, it’s me”
“you are perfect”
“you are beautiful”
“you are so sexy”
and the big one “I don’t know why I can commit to such an amazing woman”
He did look on line and found a woman with no one or anything to answer to. (no comittments) I am devasted because he told me every day and showed it (I THOUGHT) that he loved me! I feel betrayed and stupid. I have tried the NCR a number of times and one of us always breaks it. Christmas day I text him saying that “your silence speaks volumes and that I am just your dirty little secret” he texted back around supper time saying” went snowshoewing 4 the day and seasons greetings with luv.” So I wrote back outlining the ncr and not to break it that I am no longer your door mat. I feel weak and I am tired and I hope that I have made my self clear this time. wish me luck!!!
“
hey
lol just seein if i worked it right,god i wish id found this sight years ago all the advice is spot on,shame what we av gne through to get here though,chin up everyone
Blueeyes, my ex-EUM said the EXACT same things right after our breakup. They say all of this while they’re rejecting you. I see now it’s just a way of keeping the door open as NML says for a yo-yo relationship, because they try to leave it with positive words in the hopes that in the future they can bounce back into your life for sex and ego strokes. It’s like these guys all went to a college on how to be ass clowns.
Hmm, I used to get the” I am so comfortable around you” “Your hair is beautiful”, ” Nice leather jacket, where did you get it from?”, “Nice blouse, where did you get it from?”, “Wow, I like your dining room set, where did you get it from?”
blueyes, there is no point of telling him about NCR, he has no clue what that means and doesn’t care what it means, you just need to do it, don’t respond or make contact.
I should have known better. He played me right from the start. The lines and puppy dog lovey eyes and sob stories but I had an instant attraction for this man from the moment I layed eyes on him and my values and morals went right out of the window ( It was and still is a chemical attraction and that is why I am having a very hard time.) you would think that a 53 year old would have his life together wouldnt you. now he is with someone new again and will add another victim to his list. I am entertaining the thought of warning her of his past. but then that just adds MORE drama to my life. doesnt it? oh yeah another one of his famous lines now is “time will tell” and” also I just need more space” whats that mean!!!!!
These men are ridiculous..why he needs me to stroke his ego I’ll never know.. I have to keep reminding myself that ACTIONS speak a lot louder than words… Karen you are so right it is all about them and so they can look good in their own eyes and not have to admit to themselves they are assclowns…
Thank you,Astelle, was in a dilemma over whether to say about no contact to him or not but I will just continue on and hopefully not be so caught off guard next time he calls..my poor brain can rest now because their isn’t a way to say that I don’t want any more contact that doesn’t look like drama or the good ole chestnut “you haven’t moved on you have to move on”
that would be his reply to anything I say about no contact etc.
Its definately tough though..
Here is something I have found about the no contact rule. I hope it helps others as much as me.
So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.
So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?
Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread What is No Contact?
While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.
1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)
In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)
When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another tryâ€. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.
You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……
Why implement No Contact?
First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.
No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.
Will No Contact bring my ex back?
Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.
There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.
Will my ex miss me?
To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes – absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my lifeâ€.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker
Not exactly rocket science, huh?
When should I implement No Contact?
ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last timeâ€.
That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.
Will No Contact push my ex away?
If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love themâ€.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.â€
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.
How long will I keep hurting?
For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.
Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.
Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.
What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?
Two options: Respond or don’t respond.
If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.
If you are seeking reconciliation, then it depends on what the ex says when they contact you.
If they are calling for a ‘catch up’, politely tell your ex that you were serious about NC and that they must respect your decision. This call may come after a few days, a few weeks or a few months. Don’t get into any discussions about yourself and what you’re up to – keep it short, and make it clear to your ex that NC isn’t just a whim….you are serious about it. Remind them, if it comes up, that friendship is not an option.
Make it clear that you are respecting their decision to end the relationship, and now they have to respect your decision to end contact.
If you are seeking reconciliation, you also have every right to question your ex about their intentions if they contact you. Do so at the beginning of the interaction – there’s no point having a great conversation with the ex and getting your hopes up only to find out at the end of the call that nothing has changed. Save yourself the trouble and find out at the start – if their motivation for calling you is anything short of what you are after, terminate the conversation politely…but quickly.
Tips
Remove any photos and reminders you have of your ex from your life. Put them in a box and pack them away. You don’t need things like that preventing you from moving on.
Copy down your ex’s email address and phone numbers on a piece of paper, and put them in the same box. Then delete the email address from your computer and their numbers from your phone.
If you are strong enough to delete their contact details without writing them down, then do it! If not, do the above – it will remove the temptation to contact your ex (especially when you are out having a couple of drinks or at home alone in front of the pc ).
Stop talking about your ex with your friends. They’ll get sick of it, and it won’t help you one bit.
blueyes, I really hate to burst your bubble, he is 53? How old are you? You seem more deluted than him by what you posted about the No Contact rules. If YOU really want to know and learn about the NO CONTACT, please read NML’S posts about No Contact, please read all the parts. I don’t know if your dude is an EUM, but an a**hole is an a**hole!
And no, what you found, would not help me, it would not help YOU either, because you are just looking for reasons to hang on to him!
That is fine for me, hang on to his silly butt as long as you want to , because you don’t understand at this point what NC means.
posting what you “found” and not really understand what you “found’ is to me an insult to what this website offers to all of us.
Maybe you should take the time and read all of her posts, like I did and a lot of other women as well and you may realize that your post about NCR is pointless. No trying to hurt your feeling, but you found this website for a reason and if you take the time to READ you will find out that you are months or years behind time.
Last question, do you really believe what you just posted?
Wow, Astelle, you are on an abusive rampage tonight.
Blueyes, FYI she just tore out a new one for me in another forum.
NML, are there any rules of moderation in here, or are we to be subject to this sort of cruelty?
It’s amazing how these men must have all read the same instruction manual and they all know how to use the holidays as an excuse to make contact. I’m back on NC after he contacted me and I fell off the wagon for a few days…back on and stronger now!
Astelle- …you sound angry…I always think you have so much wisdom and intelligence, but alittle kindness would help as much.
Blue Eyes,
We appreciate your input but I think your post may be more applicable to normal men. I think I read something very similar to what you wrote on Enotalone some time back.
What I have learned from this site is that we need to completely remove these men from our lives. Forever!!!!! They are selfish, toxic, emotionally abusive, deceitful, and a complete waste of time. There is no going back b/c nothing will ever change, the empty promises and excuses will continue and will make your life an emotional roller coaster. So yes, we must go NC for the sole purpose of healing and moving on, not for the possibility they will return.
Shew… I was getting a bit confused. NC means move on not hang on.
Hey ladies: wow I woke up to some interesting posts this morning concerning the NCR post that I left last night. I am sorry that I posted it. I didnt write it but I kept it from a “breaking up site” from when we first broke up.(4 months ago) I should have re- read it before I posted it here. I do see that this is the only site that is helping me realize things.
I do see now and only this week actually that he will never change. I have spent hours reading posts here trying to convince my self of this and his behaviour at christmas just gave me my “lightbulb moment” to focus on just ending everything.
When we broke up though it was like I tried everything to get him to see the light NOT KNOWING that there was a label to him of EUM and that everything that I did was actually pointless. I tried a couple of times with the no contact rule but didnt work. This time I told him to NOT CALL, NOT TEXT AND NOT EMAIL ME. because I was not going to be his door mat or his other woman any longer. It should work this time. although my birthday is coming up and he may think that I would give in with that. I will have to be strong.
hey everyone,
think i may be alot newer to all this than you lot but reading your posts is a big help,5 years ive let this so called relatonship carry on for and now its at the sort of over stage i still continue to hold on to this emotional rollercoaster like i dnt know how to be any other way,not good at 29 to feel like its the end of the world and im sure weve all been there,
Any advice woud be more than welcome
thanks
The concept of dropping off the face of the earth comes to my mind with the NC. No matter what they do – no matter what they say you give NO RESPONSE….period
I think NML states in her book “Mr. Unavailable and The FALLBACK Girl”, do not use No Contact as a means to get him back. No contact is no contact, he has treated you badly, did that make you feel good?
I implemented NC over a month ago, he was a jerk and did everything described as an EUM, I was unhappy and nothing that I could do or say would change that a**clowns are a**clowns. It’s in their DNA!!! My life is so much better now since I am not sitting around wondering when he might text or im me, when I might or might not see him and not being a booty call! You cannot change a narcissist/EUM and why do you want to work that hard to make someone love you or be with you, why waste the energy? You cannot change someone based on Your actions, at least in the type of relationships we seem to all be talking about here, a mistake of mine in the past and it never worked! However, you can work on changing You, if you want to!
Unless I am mistaken and I missed something, I see No Contact rather as a tool to get yourself back on track, take responsibility for and control of your own destiny instead of someone else controlling what an outcome might be and learning how not to find an emotionally available man for the future, using tools that can be learned from NML’s book and posts on this site. Read “Mr. Unavailable and the FALLBACK Girl”…..Gail
And if you really want to FREAK yourself out do a little research on the personality of a narcissit. Every article that describes them suggests you run for your life for they are real vampires who will suck the life energy out of you.
I know for me it was hard to give up the dream of what I wanted the relationship to be with my ex-EUM…but I have to focus on the reality of what it was…great when together, but he would distance himself and couldn’t go any further in the relationship. He wasn’t a “bad guy” but “bad for me.” He keeps popping up and that’s the unhealthy part. My problem is I was trying to do a kind NC…telling him not to contact me…and he would respect it for a few months at a time…then sniff around to see how I am (ego stroke)…and I would fall into believing that maybe he wants a committed relationship because I wanted to believe it so much…I realize for my own healing and mental health, I have to institute boot camp NC and do it for me….After reading Gaynor’s post, something clicked back in for me…and I realize how I have to love myself more than I love the idea of the relationship I think I wanted with him…heal for good and move on…thank you all….
By the way, I’ve Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl, all of her posts and I understand it all…but sometimes these men can tug on your heartstrings – I’m just glad I only spoke with him for a few days last week and didn’t see him or get anymore involved…but like Rachel says…they are like vampires…suck the life out of you!
I’ve read
Of course it’s hard Finally, breaking up is hard to do, I was miserable for the first couple of weeks, beyond miserable, manic and I was the one that instituted the No Contact, read my posts on here. During this time I have started taking a look at my life and how similar all the men in my life had been, this one just happen to give me that “ephiphany” moment and then I started to focus on me and what it was about me that I kept attracting EUM’s.
Now I am not saying that all of you have had one bad relationship after another, as I have, but at this point in my life I sure want to avoid it going forward and today, this hour, this minute, I am not on a yoyo string, I really don’t care a rat’s ***ss what he is doing or who he is doing it with. Does he creep up in my mind occasionally? Yes, it passes quickly when I think back to how bad it was and how I felt everytime I would return one of his texts and not get a return text, if at all, for a week or longer or only communicating by text or im, it reminds me that I would have had a better relationship with a brick wall. I am feeling good, as a matter of fact I’ve been on a few good dates and certainly approaching dating thing in a totally different manner……..Gail
I just had one other thought/question on this subject.
Why bother with No contact if you are trying to manipulate someone into coming back to you? Why not just have another or one more conversation with your partner and see how that works for you?
If it’s just a spat, your partner is in the relationship with you and it’s something that you can work out why bother with the No Contact Rule?
Just wondering….Gail
I have had good days and really bad days in the last 40 days of NC that I instituted. Doing research and reading the posts has kept me very strong and very focused on staying the course. I too have been the common denominator in a string of bad relationships… I too want it to stop. Life goes so fast and to be mixed up with someone who takes the best of you, and leaves you with lines on your face and a heart that is incredibly bruised is not worth your precious time.
What finally hit home was when a friend asked me once when things were going good with my EUM…..”Has it all been worth it?” I had to stop and think …… hell no it was not worth it! the best of times never out weighed the worst of times with him. It was after that question that the next time he pulled a stunt I was over it and I said to myself “I have had enough!” I wrote him one line in an email that said. Its not working for me anymore. and that started NC. He has tried to contact me a couple of times and I do not acknowledge. I am sure he will try again but I am moving on to a healthier lifestyle. Thanks to you all. I feel healthier and stonger than I have in a long time. I am in control now no one can take the knowledge I have gained from this site.
Gail,
Usually when NC is implemented-by dumpee- in a normal relationship it is a result of someone not certain about a commitment, wanting to be friends after a breakup or unsure of feelings. The main purpose is for healing but some will implement to make the unsure partner realize how important the other was to their lives. If you’re always available as a friend they will not have the opportunity to miss you and will likely move on.
I hope that wasn’t jumbled.
Browneyes, things will get better. It does feel like the end of the world when you end things with an EUM, because you become so emotionally invested and it’s literally breaking an addiction.
nikki,,thanks at least someone on here acknowedged my plea for help lol
they say time is a healer i only hope that is true.
also why dont any of you on here bar your exes numbers from calling or texting you,that way when your strong and having a good phase they cant bring you down with their meaningless pathetic efforts
Unfortunately, EUMS not going to change, I tried twice NC, and later came back to him after his calls and messages…and believe me, girls, nothing had changed…still the same story! I started again NCR, but I dont know if it last…I became EUM myself…I had five dates with five guys and all of them want to date me and I dont…still dream about my ex!!! What is wrong with me??? I probably used to EUMS behaviour, that I cant accept normal relationship?!
high five girls we can shed them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clement i take it your comment was for my benefit,grow up girl,was tying to be helpful not patronise anyone unlike your kind self,
nice welccome to a new comer by the way,you must be so proud.
Hi browneyes, Just take out all the things that are helpful to you’re situation. Stay strong with NC and keep coming back to this wonderful site for all the help and understanding that you need.
Newcomers are always welcome, I’m relatively new myself and have never been made to feel unwelcome.
Christmas is a hard time for us all but look fowrard and not back.
Happy New Year everyone X
Thankyou honeyshy,have only started nc today as i cant seem to let go although he seems to have cracked it,so i will do my best and hopefully have a new year alot better than this one
Happy New Year to everyone
Happy New Years to everyone!
Happy New Year — here is to being wiser.
Browneyes, You’ve got to believe that you’re worth more than the dregs of his time and attention. Stick stick stick with NC! I kept my MM’s number in my phone so I knew it was him and I knew to ignore it – and I did – and eventually it stopped ringing. And yes, it was so hard not to think ‘well maybe this time will be different’ it would’nt be different….. same shite different day – as the saying goes…
Good luck – his loss…………
About 2 months ago I became emotionally involved with a married man. I was lucky enough to come across this website and it has been a true blessing. He exhibited the classic signs of an unavailable man, text msgs., blowing hot/cold, lame excuses, etc. I tried NC and immediately felt better. He sent a text after 6 days of NC and I fell back into the dysfunctional routine. Luckily, I pulled myself together and told him, I wasn’t doing this anymore and I was not in the position to be “friends” with him, It has been a week and I feel strong and healthy. No regrets, I’m actually glad it happened because I found this fabulous website and it has really empowered me. While I never slept with him, I did let him get in my head. I have no desire to contact him ever again. To all you women out there wrapped up emotionally and physically in these men, please follow NM:’s advice and OPT OUT!!! Happy New Year to everyone!!
Thanks Jae! Why it seems easier for some of us than others is a mystery. I still had tears rolling down my cheeks this morning on my way to work. It has to end and soon I am so tired of wanting him and yet knowing he is so wrong for me.
Rachel,
it’s still fresh for you. With time when the anger sets in and you get yourself back completely things will seem much easier. You’ll be there sooner than you think.
Thank You Gaynor..You have been a huge help.
new year and fresh start hopefully for us all,thankyou to all who are getting me through the hard times xx
I’m still struggling…I know the reality of him is he’s no good and a selfish a**clown…I have to realize give my self esteem a boost and realize that what he does, did in the past and tries to do in the future should have no bearing on my self esteem, who I am and how I view myself…I have to realize how utterly dysfunctional and not normal he is and that trying to make sense of him doesn’t work. The only thing that works is moving on and NC. I have to start the New Year with positive thoughts about myself and focus on me. Happy New Year everyone!
Rachel, I am with you, still shedding tears for my exEUM after two month + of No Contact, but here, I just remembered a great graffitto I saw in the Hole In the Wall in Austin TX:
No man is worth crying over, but the one who is won’t make you cry.
Happy New Year y’all!
Oh so true Regina! That truly hit home,
I too always wanted to know why for some people they could just move on and others couldn’t or took a lot longer or kept going back or couldn’t let go .. I recently came across a book that answers a lot of these questions .. called Obessive Love by Susan Forward.. very insightful and helpful for those interested in extra resources..
I was recently speaking to a girlfriend of mine and she once again brought up the idiot that she has been dealing with for quite some time. Telling me that she doesn’t understand why he does the things he does like blowing hot and cold,pulling disappearing acts etc.. all the way up to the most recent comment that stemmed from he sending him an email saying that with the New Year change must take place. I don’t think she expected to get the response she got but she got it. She told me that he said that “it was best that they go their separate ways because he could give her what she wanted or deserved and that he needed to be fair about this” and he would always remember the times they had over the years.
So she asked me what I thought about all of this and I told her that all along he was no good and for her to move on find someone who is deserving of who she is and wants to do the right thing. This guy isn’t going to do this. That all he wants is what he can get from her and anybody else that is willing to do the same. That he isn’t about forming a solid relationship with anyone and it’s all about playing a very twisted mind game with her and lord knows how many other people. That telling her it was best for them to go their separate ways was the easy way out for him because it would be to hard to try to form anything solid.
I also told her that now the ball is back in her court to either agree with separating and moving on or she can keep agreeing to see him under the present set of circumstances knowing that things may never change and continue to waste precious time when she could be out looking for a better man than him.
She also asked me if based on his recent comment would she hear back from him. I said why in the world would you want to. I told her he has said lound and clear that he doesn’t want any kind of solid relationship with you or anybody else so why would you settle for just a once in awhile roll in the sack?
I did tell her that she would hear from him again inspite of his comment of wanting to let her go. It’s all up to her now. This is what he is waiting to hear. In the back of his mind he hopes that she will continue to keep seeing him.
Did I give her the right advice as a friend? Does anybody else think this man will look her up again as I think he will?
You gave her the right advice. This is just a game these ass clowns play knowing she will not leave him alone…but his statement gives him a license to be an ass to her. Basically he is saying to her “Take the crumbs I give you or get out because I do not want to give you anymore than that” He is telling her he can live without her unless she wants to jump in the sack with him once in a while.
By agreeing with her he knows he hurt her and this type of guy likes hurting women and bringing them to their knees over him. Suggest she take the I am stupid sign off and start living her life without someone who only feeds her when HE is hungry.
Hey Lisa. You definitely gave her the right advice – I am going to use this subject as the theme for today’s post because it is one of the most frequent questions and as you rightly pointed out, it’s what Fallback Girls love to get hung up on…but for the wrong reasons! x
I agree. When I told my guy to not get in touch any more, he didn’t. And I was disappointed, because I wanted him to, and wanted him to come back saying he’d changed (as if!!!!) But men generally do what they say they will, particularly when you ask them to! So she needs to be rid of him, for sure.
Lisa,no, she won’t hear from him, unless SHE makes the contact (Let’s hope she doesn’t) and then the game is back on and it will be worse because now she would really be chasing him and no boundaries for him. Yeah, no EUM can resist that offer 🙂
I am just saying no he won’t make contact, we don’t know yet what he will do. Lisa, you gave her good advice and hpefully she will leave him alone.
years down the road she may hear from him if he can’t find anybody else.
Rachel
I will assume based on your post regarding my friend that you believe this fool(and really wish she would recognize him for what he is a fool) will eventually contact her? Because when she sent me the email he sent to her he uses the word Maybe as the first word in the sentence that tells her about going their separate ways. This let’s me know only because I am an outsider and have no emotional investment that the man is very unsure if this is the route he really wants to take with her. If he were absolutly sure about this he would have said something to the effect of you need to move on and forget about me or it’s over i never want to see you again.
This is why I believe he is waiting for her to either agree with what he has said and move on or she’ll just tell him that they can continue with what is currently going on.
Lisa,
Thats how I read it … these guys love drama they love having a woman in misery. Its like he dumped her before she could dump him… His comment to her put him in control more than it gave her control. “it was best that they go their separate ways because he could give her what she wanted or deserved and that he needed to be fair about this†and he would always remember the times they had over the years. Talk about tugging on the heart strings! She really ought to call his BLUFF and not contact him for any reason – to agree or disagree for he is waiting for a response. For once she should take him at his word and be done with this clown. IF she goes back for closure she will end up feeling really empty. He will make her feel as if she is too demanding or needy or what have you. Its not worth it he will get one shot in at makeing her feel like crap.
Lisa,
To answer your question more directly ….. I think that when she does not respond he will contact her eventually just to get a stroke. Just to see if she still thinks about him. He is expecting to hear from her again in my opinion. When he does not he will throw out some bait eventually.
Lisa, NML ‘s post from today explains it all. Make sure your friend reads it.