In this 3 part post, I want to spend a little time discussing the issue of us, as women, being focused on our appearance because it’s something that frequently gets mentioned in the comments and emails from readers. I thought that the best way to kick things off was to give you 10 key things to think about, of which the first 5 are in this post:
1) If you trade on your looks and sex appeal with men, it is you who is setting your value, not them.
Yes there are men out there that are looks fixated and you know what? You don’t need a man like that in your life because it’s not his intention to be satisfied or happy. But actually, many men are not fixated on looks and this is highlighted when we see men with women who we deem less attractive than us and wonder what the hell is going on. Likewise, I see many comments and get emails from women who claim that they are better looking/sexier than the woman who their ex is with, which in itself suggests that they are looks focused.
There is no denying that we are living in a material world, but on the appearance front, I have to say that we are just as guilty as men, and actually, as women we are perpetuating the perception that everything is about looks. We have to be careful of spending our relationships telling the guy that we are not happy with our appearance or telling him that we expect him to run off with a new and improved model. It’s not attractive.
If you place too high a value in your appearance, you’re saying ‘I think that my appearance is what I have to offer of value’ or ‘Because my appearance is not what I think that you think it should be, I don’t think I have enough to be attractive to a man’ and we tend to let how we think and feel about ourselves dictate our relationship style and who we choose, so yes, you end up setting your value. Next thing you know, you find yourself overcompensating in other areas and trying to overplease a man that has no business being given the time of day by you…
2) By placing an emphasis on your appearance, you also dictate the type of men that you are likely to desire, attract, or appeal to; men that are shallow and fickle.
We get what we put out and if you treat your looks like your currency, you will find yourself around men who will actually exacerbate the insecurity that comes with the territory. We choose men who reflect the things that we believe about ourselves and appearance focused women tend to have a lot of insecurities and other negativity’s that they mask with their looks.
You can’t place much value in your character and you certainly can’t believe that you bring much to the relationship, because if you did, looks would not be your main concern. In turn, this means that in attracting shallow, fickle men we create a self-fulfilling prophecy where they cater to our fears and we get insecure about whether or not they’re going to stick around. We know we’ve either chosen a man who is shallow or we’re so entrenched with the pattern that we fail to recognise when a guy is interested in us as an entity.
Looks are like an easy stoop for us to reach to when a man withdraws his interest but unless you are with incredibly superficial assclowns, if you have a pattern of poor relationships, or lack of relationship success, it’ll come down to more than your looks as to why it’s happening.
If you don’t want to find yourself being insecure about your looks, don’t spend your time around superficial men, and don’t make your looks a focal point. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good but if you want men of substance and you want to be treated ad regarded as someone of substance, you need to focus on substance.
Likewise, be careful of believing that your sex appeal is your magnet because you will use sex or attention about your appearance for your interactions, and the next thing you know your knickers are hanging off the lampshade and you’re wondering why you feel so empty…. Or you feel like you have to be some sort of sexual animal to keep men interested. You then start thinking about building a relationship with them but because the only currency you’ve traded on is your looks and sex appeal, you’ve set the stage for your ‘relationship’ and it becomes relegated to a sex thing.
3) If looks were the key factor in drawing men in and keeping them, how to get a man would be an open and shut case.
Think about it. If you’re in your forties, when you were in your twenties you probably deemed yourself to be ‘hotter’ with plenty of sex appeal, and yet, you were miserable. Surely in all that time, if it came down to poundage or looks, you could have changed that by now. Really, it’s a bit like washing the windows and giving the exterior of the house a lick of paint, but it doesn’t change what’s on the inside.
4) As humans, we tend to overvalue our attractiveness, and oddly, even when we have low self-esteem, we can still be very predisposed to doing this.
I’m all for thinking highly of yourself but the trouble is that we actually tend to think that certain things are more attractive or of more value than they actually are. When this happens, it means you’re going to the table playing the looks angle, whilst the other party isn’t interested in that. You will underplay the things that are of real value and that actually make you attractive as a whole, but because you don’t recognise this, that person either doesn’t get to see it, or even if they do, you don’t see the wood for the trees and keep being focused on the shallow stuff because it’s what matters to you.
5) Trading from a shallow point is a likely indicator that you are not interested in men of real substance.
Easy as it is to blame men for feeling how we do about appearance, or even society as a whole, we have to be accountable for the experiences that we have a hand in creating. Trust me when I say, if you are the type of woman that is appearance focused for yourself, you’re a woman who likes ‘appearances’ in her relationships. You can be won over with words rather than actions, you’ll think you’re ‘lucky’ to be dating a great looking guy that everybody wants even if he’s an assclown, and you love the illusions of betting on potential and hoping for change. You cannot possibly be interested in a man of substance, because if you were, you’d know a bit more about your own substance and worth, plus you’d know when to tell these assclowns to beat it!
Back in a couple of days.
Your thoughts?
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NML this post is great! I’ve had to learn this very thing recently. The real good men that I’m looking for are going to value you based on things of substance not just my looks or weight. I’m not overweight nor a stick but I always felt I had to be stick thin in order to get a guy. I realize that while I want to continue to take good care of myself and stay in shape, that a guy that is really interested in the real me, won’t be put off by the idea that I’m not that stick figure. Besides looks do fad and so do shapes. As we progress through life age adds weight to us, and the truth is it is harder to lose weight as you get older than it is when you are younger, but that should not be our focal point. Like NML is saying having a healthy body imagine is part and parcel of having a healthy self esteem. They go hand and hand. I found that when I started improving my self-esteem my body imagine improved drastically as well. I’m now proud of my body in a way that I’ve never been. My weight gain and loss was tied to my self-esteem and I didn’t even know it. Now I naturally want to look good and be healthy, but now it’s just for me, and not what I think someone else, especially a man will think of me. I love myself as I am, with room to improve and become even better.
I think deep down every woman knows that neither her physical beauty, or her @ss is going to get her the love that she seeks, but somewhere along the line, it got her attention and fake affection, which has gotten blurred within her mind as being love. I also believe that you have to go back to where the belief originated and began, and change the belief from there, because more times than not, it started in your childhood before you had the maturity to realize that the belief was untrue and unreasonable.
Best Wishes
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Is Your "Attraction Radar" Broken?
Thought provoking and deep!! Not in a relationship, but I tend to put a great deal of focus on looks/exterior, which is probably why I’m still single. Love this site and all of NML’s post, each one is relevant in some shape or form. I’m a work in progress and this site has been instrumental in guiding me on my journey!!
Unfortunately, this really hit home. I do put a tremendous amount of value on my looks and when I gain a few pounds I am miserable…in turn I am very focused on a man’s physical attractiveness as well. I guess I have work to do to find the substance in myself and then be able to look for the substance in others.
Great post!
This is another wonderful article.
Looks shouldn’t matter a lot. I have tried to accept myself as I am and feel I am doing a good job at it but then someone makes a rude comment like “wide load” or I have a sweater just like hers but a lot smaller. The public seems to find it ok to comment openly about their disdain for overweight people.
NML, maybe if you have time and the desire, don a fat suit for a few days and write about your experiences.
I do think most nice normal men will like a woman for more than just how she looks as do most normal nice women will like a man for more than his looks or his wallet. Human nature as it is, humans are hopeful for landing the best, richest, hottest we can get.
I so wish this was not true.
OTOH being thin didn’t make me happy when I was 20. I had other issues unrelated to appearance that was making me unhappy. So it is utter bunk that if you are thin you are automatically happy and if you are fat you are automatically unhappy.
I am sure there are plenty of guys out there who still think I’m hot. I was one of those genetically blessed gals who has the skin that doesn’t show it’s age. People who don’t know me would never guess I’m a day over 35.
Great points. All the guys that I used to be attracted to are ultra focused on looks in a very overt way. I would consider myself attractive, but I can be very insecure about my looks. To a certain extent I’ve outgrown that insecurity, but the residue of being attracted to men that would say or do things that made me feel “hot” has lingered.
I do think it’s important to try to make the most of your looks. I think you feel better about yourself when you take care of your appearance. However, beauty is also what is on the inside, and I think to have someone truly love you, they need to be in love with YOU and not what you look like. If they are only attracted to what you look like, well that’s not an attraction I want in my life.
Sometimes what creates an attraction isn’t necessarily how you look in jeans or your hair. It can be a warm smile, a relaxed nature, a lot of things other than stereotypical beauty. Those are the things I am trying to focus on now. The looks, they are what they are with me. I try to do the best with what I’ve got. It’s the other stuff that needs the work.
NML, can you explain a little more about when you said, “it’s not his intention to be satisfied or happy?” If a guy cares a lot about how a woman looks (face, skin, hair, clothes, perfume, etc.) there’s so much out there and so many ways to fit his ideal. How could he not be happy?
Jolly, he’s not happy because he’s always seeking that every elusive “perfect woman.” He will never be happy with what he has because he’s always thinking to his next victim. My EUM told me we were exclusive. Yet, what did I find? His profile was still active on the online dating site on which we met. Why? Because he certainly, he’s such a great catch (ahem), there MUST be someone even better out there than me – a woman that his work colleagues referred to as a “hottie,” who wears a size 2, weighs 120 pounds, is at the top of her profession earning 4 times what he makes, living the lifestyle to which he aspires – he was interested in who would be his next victim.
Jae,
You said, “I tend to put a great deal of focus on looks/exterior, which is probably why I’m still single”. Actually, I think being single, when you put effort into your looks – is lucky.
I figure that the mostly guy a woman with a “focus on looks” will attract is a guy focused on looks. And he will likely remain focused on looks – and cheat or wander off with another woman witha “focus on looks.”
At the same time, I think it possible your “focus on looks” may be chasing off some guys that have learned to avoid women invested in their appearance. Not because they find the appearance threatening – because it implies a devotion of life and time and energy into something meant to attract bed mates, not build and nurture a home and family.
I have seen a couple of marriages fall apart, when the bride remained focused on appearance – until the wedding. Then she changed to a “low maintenance” hair style (which maybe she should have had all along), stopped wearing Mating Ritual type clothes, and wondered why the guy she attracted with cosmetics and fashion lost interest – or cheated or left.
My ex-EUM told me one time that his ex-wife was close 300 pounds and went on to explain that the weight gain was “always a big part of the problem”. (Of course, his cheating on her while married (I found out about it from someone else) was NOT a big part of the problem..yeah right!) My first thoughts were–1. why do you care–you’re not married anymore, 2. How do you know this if she’s your “ex”? 3. If this 300 pounds was instead a drug problem, alcoholism or even a terminal disease, would you just up and walk out? In my opinion it’s the same–leaving someone when they need you the most! I, on the other hand, am a size 2, an extreme athlete and was constantly told by him & his friends how hot I am. And you know what? At the end of the day, it didn’t matter…I could have been 20 pounds or 600 pounds and I still wasn’t going to be with him because he’s an EUM!
Sidenote: While having the “300 pound conversation” I asked if he was still in contact with her (being honest I was making small talk because I didn’t know what to say) to which he said ‘occasionally. It was one of my ‘light bulb’ moments–that, along with other things lead to me ending it. I realized it was HIM who was still contacting her, not the other way around. He always has to stay in his “exes” (whether wife or gf) lives–he doesn’t want them to move on but he doesn’t want them either. A true EUM at its best–just trying to be the “good guy” and make sure everyone’s “ok”. Ugh–makes me laugh and SO thankful that I’m over it!
Made,
You are so right about them not wanting the ex’s to “move on.” Can they actually believe they are good guys when they treat women like such garbage? I can remember my ex telling me of the time when his ex-wife wanted a reconciliation-he declined but is VERY active in her life today-and he said “I guess should couldn’t find a better guy out there.” DENIAL!!!!!! As you stated, they don’t want them but they can’t let them go. Strange!!!!
I’ve had three xEUM’s tell me I had the whole package. Brains, looks, personality, blah, blah, blah. But after the last one I thought to myself afterwards if I have it all then why in the H*LL do I keep attracting men like you? This was my personal wake up call. That if I’m the whole package, why I am settling for less than I deserve? Hello?!?! As NML says sometimes we FBG’s can’t see the wood thru the trees. It just doesn’t sink in until we get burned, over and over again by the same type of men, because we have issues. Well, I’m proud to say 6 months NC and I have no interest in dating anyone until I have my sh*t together and have taken care of me first.
Thanks NML, for another great post.
I have a question and I hope it will be answered. Why do ladies who are discussing appearance and weight feel the need to disclose their dress size and weight?
If I said I was a size 14 and weigh 175lbs which I am, I don’t think that would have the same meaning as if I said I was a size 0 and weighed 105. Do those of you in those smaller sizes feel you are superior to someone who weighs say 300lbs? Be honest. I suspect you do or you wouldn’t phrase it the way you do.
I guess I would feel weird saying I can’t believe he left me for that; after all I wear a 34FF bra and she is flat and all his friends were commenting on what a great rack I had.
Jean–
Your last paragraph doesn’t make sense. Given the second 1/2 of it, it sounds like you WOULD mean saying that you can’t believe that he left you for someone else.
When they do go back to an ex, it’s b/c the law of “first come, first serve” has come into play: that is the person they first gave their best/emotions/love to. Maybe not the first ever…but first as compared to when you came along! So the looks of the ex don’t come into play as much. (Although I do believe that men have “types”, and “ideals”, that they don’t stray away from.)
I’m sorry Jean, but I honestly think you are reading far too much into people posts than what is there. I don’t think that was the point of why people were discussing there size. They were saying that despite them being the ideal size that didn’t stop them from winding up with EUM’s. I think you sparked on your own insecurity not theirs. Sorry to sound harsh but from what you wrote weight sounds like a hang up for you.
Sorry ladies about not making sense.
Used, I meant you hear ladies say, oh I can’t believe he left me for that. She’s old, ugly, and fat.
Of course it is my insecurity. I’m the size 14 and not the size 0/2.
I know I’m not the ideal size.
I know that wasn’t the point when they mentioned their size. They were stating that they were the ideal size but that doesn’t make you immune from being with an AC. I get that point.
My question was do people who are the ideal size feel superior to those who aren’t?
You know whats crazy Jean? Is that so many beautiful women get dumped everyday. I dont think men discriminate when it comes to ugly/fat/thin/gorgeous.
I believe that the ONLY way someone who is “an ideal” size (whose opinion is that anyways….what is an ideal size….) would feel superior to those who arent is when they themselves have body image disorder or some type of insecurity….
Jean,
I am one of those women who is a size 2 and 120 pounds. I do not feel superior in any way because I know that despite being the size I am, it has not improved my self-esteem one bit from when I was a size 15/16 and 165 pounds. The scars that are left from family and “friends” who made fun of me and called me names are still there and affect me every single day. One EUM I lived with and almost married criticized my weight so much that, when he called off the wedding, I used the money had saved for the wedding on liposuction. Did it make me feel better about my appearance/self? Did it raise my self esteem? No.
When my ex-EUM and I broke up 4 weeks ago, my first reaction after I hung up the phone was “What’s wrong with me?” and my natural reaction based on years of programming was to jump the conclusion that it was because my hips are too wide or my butt is too big. This EUM, though, was my Epiphany relationship. I am now seeing that its not about what’s wrong with me – physically or any other way – but what is RIGHT with me!
This is a really good article and speaks to one of the reasons I don’t like online dating. In the online world it’s all about “the picture”. I joined a site while I was “on and off” with the xEUM. I posted a couple of pictures, nothing sexy, just normal. Almost all the men that wrote to me would comment about my looks and some would ask for more pictures. It drove me nuts that they were stuck in the superficial zone and really didn’t want to get to know me. I think that’s because the majority of men online are EUM and are looking for an ego stroke and sex. I know there are some success stories but the failures far outweigh them. Some men will be downright rude in their profiles about their preferences, especially about weight. Yet they themselves may be absolutely nothing to look at. A total double standard.
I actually had a man send me a couple of sexually explicit jokes, even though we had never even gotten past the email stage. I was shocked and told him so. He apologized but I don’t think he meant it, he just moved on to his next victim. Women don’t help matters either because many post half naked pictures of themselves, use sexual innuendo in their screen names and act like they are willing to do just about anything to snag a man.
Of course everyone wants to look nice and I try to keep fit and eat right but my main concern is not my looks. I’m certainly not the same as I was when I was twenty but that’s OK. I appreciate a good sense of humor, honesty, integrity and loyalty above looks. Looks fade with time, so there has to be much more to a person otherwise any relationship is doomed.
My xEUM was handsome, he also had a certain body type I like.but the thing that drew me to him was his great sense of humor. Too bad he didn’t possess the other qualities that I mentioned above. I ended up with a good looking cheater. I’ll take character over looks anytime.
Jean, I think I understand what you intended to say.
I’m a (UK) size 14/16 but bad hair days aside I feel very sexy and although I could lose a few pounds for my personal health benefit I don’t lose sleep over it.
I often have the feeling that some thin people (not all of them), who have hungups and are insecure about the way they look, is not that they feel smug or superior about being thin but (and I think there is a big difference) they desperately would like to feel superior about being thin and good looking. I hopoe this makes sense.
This is my personal experience. A lot of my friends are quite slim (compared to me) and those of them who are insecure try to pin their self-esteem on their looks. If they are honest with themselves they realize that being thin doesn’t fill the void and doesn’t cure the insecurities or change the (crap) relationships they end up in, believe me some of their boyfriends feature in the who’s who list of human crap.
And this conferms Natalie’s post. So the questions shouldn’t be: why thin people feel superior, but: why thin insecure people desperately want to feel superior to fat or curvy people. Maybe because this would prove that all their efforts to be thin and slim is worth something?
I hope this is not too harsh and hasn’t offended anyone.
Nilondoner, No offese,but the question is NOT why thin insecure people desperately want to feel superior to fat or curvy people. I don’t feel superior to anyone. And I’m sorry if anything I said came across that way.
Jean: Again, sorry. My post was just to say that it doesn’t matter what size you are the result with EUMs are the same. I don’t want to feel “superior” to anyone. I’ve been large and I’ve been small and I don’t feel one way or the other towards the size of other people. HOWEVER, I DO get upset when I hear someone like my ex-EUM talk about the weight of his ex wife. I didn’t feel superior–I felt COMPLETE ANGER at him for saying something about it! Quite frankly, I was driving the car when he said it and I should have tossed his tail out the window. Though I don’t know his ex wife, I wanted to kick his scrawny tail right there on the spot for what he said. I was also in awe of her for “getting out”. I;ve come to realize how smart she was for doing so. And now I’m out of it, but it took these kinds of things to give me that wake up call!
Hey ladies… men don’t dump women just because of their pant or dress sizes. They lose interest and move on. We really don’t want to hear about how fat you think you are or can we believe how fat/ugly or whatever some other women may be. When we hear you make comments like that… it only tells us how insecure you are.
Size 2’s get dumped just as often as size 14’s.
Mike,
I agree!! It screams insecurity!
Mike of course we’re insecure.
It is perfectly acceptable for any stranger at any time to comment on our appearance and weight.
Like in the store a couple is walking side by side and blocking the aisle and I slip by them and the man comments about me having a bigger load and need more room. How rude.
You know, I really don’t mind being this weight or size. The problem is other people keep reminding me that somehow I am flawed and defective for not being a size 2.
Even my therapist mentioned my weight and I had not said one word to him about being unhappy with my weight.
Sure you can say just ignore people who make rude comments to you but when it happens over and over how can you keep ignoring it?
Mike of course, people of all sizes get dumped. How likely would it be you would date an overweight woman anyway?
Jean,
Those comments people have made are rude and inexcusable but I have to say that some of your comments to the other posters has been a bit defensive. I think the only point that Mike was making is that size is not the issue for a relationship ending but insecurity is. I don’t understand why you are asking him if would date a woman who is overweight?????
Gaynor, and I keep agreeing with you. Do you not see I am agreeing with you?
Of course I’m defensive and of course I’m insecure.
We all are to some extent.
Jean,
I perceived as being defensive remark.
We’re all here to support one another as well as ‘try’ to give constructive advice to situations that make little sense.
One of my dearest friends has been having issues with her weight for years, and my advice to her has been “accept and love yourself for who you are or try to make some changes in your life.” We have to love and appreciate ourselves the way we are, or no one else will.
I’m beginning to see that I should have intervened earlier but…
Three words: stay on topic
Jean, I do appreciate that everyone has their insecurities and defenses but this thread is actually not about skinny people vs overweight people, and Mike does not need to say whether he would date an overweight woman.
Hi,
I am intrigued by Mike’s comment (a universal one it seems) that men “lose interest”. Hmm. What makes that happen?
ts,
I think a lot of it has to do with how the initial attraction was formed. If he was a hottie, he was looking for a groupie. Once the groupie-applicant starts living a life, or fails to meet groupie expectations – why, time to look for a new groupie.
If she was the hottie, then he is the groupie. If she should lose whatever made her a hottie, or a hotter hottie wanders by – she loses his respect, and groupie-adoration.
And you can substitute any number of actions, objects, or character traits for “hottie”. If he/she was perceived as honest and honorable, and they start acting otherwise, they lose respect and credibility. If the initial attraction was a convertible, or bike, hairstyle, or wonderbra, and the object is replaced with something “more practical” – poof.
TS,
Doesn’t it happen with both sexes? If a relationship is not working we eventually lose interest and move on. As we know the majority of relationships are not forever.
Actually Brad,
I agree with you on this one.
I think I may have lived it with a musician once.
You are not wrong. But, I suspect, that you have never lived in the world of creative people and artists. That is a truly different personality type to deal with. You have your site about making babies, and that is all it is about. But, you know, some people live their lives and create so many more things then another human being.
That given, I agree with you this time.
Basically, don’t go for jerks, or anyone that can’t give you want you honestly don’t want or need. Don’t waste your time with what you don’t truly want or need in life. It is our own decision in the long run.
So Brad, I applaud you for your stance. I actually, find it admirable.
Cheers to you and your world view. ts.
My apologies to everyone.
Hey Jean,
It’s cool. Keep posting if you need to. Nothing like a good shake down from NML to keep it in line. You are fine, everything is ok. Now you can start posting about the things beyond the waistline or scale that really matter to you. Everyone is here for you. Cheers. ts.
ts, sweet comment to Jean and I agree nothing like a good shake down from NML, I have experienced it when I was out of line and I respect this. At times is easy to get carried away, but I also believe that posters are not trying to hurt somebody else.
Jean, don’t apologize, keep on posting, I believe we are all good people with different opinions and experiences.
Mike, I love reading your posts.
Please don’t jump down my throat about what i’m about to say: I’m just being honest. I’m a size 2, and I do look down at people who are bigger than me. The reason for this is because the hours I put in the gym and the fact I’m constantly calorie counting makes me miserable and I think the “looking down” aspect then turns to jealousy. I mean, why are they happier than me etc? But I’m the one who is jealous of them living, enjoying food and having confidence. I hope I get there one day, and can be confident enough to be myself and not compare myself to others. I have been called stunning by numerous people, but I cannot let go of the fact my EUM is more interested in someone thinner but uglier than me, which is why I feel I need to be even smaller. To be happier and confident at a bigger size, I would give up my size 2’s anyday!!! I don’t want to keep thinking there is something wrong with me when I’m rejected because i think I make the most of what I have, am successful intelligent and all the rest. Love to you all words can’t describe how much this site helps me when I feel down
Melissa,
How sad! I can’t think of anything unhappier than letting someone else’s version of “pretty” define someone’s life. Achieving and maintaining a size two and great looks is an awesome accomplishment. But I would rather hear you accomplished something you were proud of, that you felt benefited yourself and others.
If your looks, your size two, your stunning appearance happen to catch a guy – all you know about him is that he is likely to pick his next companion based on her looks, too. You won’t be confident of ever catching his heart, when he follows his eyes to find first you, then the next, and the next. Just like achieving size two is a never-ending task, he will find having the “most beautiful” girlfriend a never-ending search. His search won’t end with you.
So you have to avoid the guys searching for size twos and stunning appearances. Look for someone that will take your looks – but not your character or your happiness or your love – for granted.
I find the most important feature of an attractive woman – is the smile. The best smile expresses the most inner joy. Fashion comes in a set size – not joy and happiness and trust and respect and honor.
Blessed be.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.