A few weeks ago, I wrote about Transitionals, people that are recently broken up, separated, divorced, or widowed and are still emotionally and possibly legally tied to their ex. If you get involved, you end up being a Buffer, an emotional airbag that lessens the impact of their transition caused by the end of their previous relationship. I’ve had a lot of comments and emails since wondering about what the hell is going on in the mind of a Transitional, so here are the key things:
Their ex. Hard to hear, but true. Whether it’s them, the things that they’re frustrated or in denial about from the breakup, or the feelings they’re struggling with, their thoughts are either actively preoccupied with their ex or they’re putting in overtime to push them out of their thoughts. What you can be sure of is that their mind is not anywhere near as focused on the relationship job at hand because they’re distracted by the emotional and/or legal ties.
Keeping distracted. Look, I get it, it’s hard after a breakup or a loss through death because you’re consumed with thoughts about them and recognise that you need to get back out there. That said, they’re with you for the wrong purpose – distracting them from or even helping them completely avoid their feelings or any fallout from the previous relationship. Which leads me to…
Impact reduction. People who don’t manage their own ‘impacts’ from relationship are far more comfortable finding a Buffer (yes that would be you) to lessen the impact of the previous relationship during this transition. You help numb the pain but what you don’t realise is that it’s not gone. They seem to think other people like you are there to inadvertently sort out their problems and pain.
Responsibility dodging. They could take the time to get over their ex, but no, they think “Hmmm, if someone is that fabulous, I’ll spontaneously combust into being available and over them.” What they don’t realise is that this passes the buck to you. You have to get them over their ex which is why they don’t get over them and why you can’t enjoy your own relationship because you’re living in someone’s shadow.
Tumbleweeds. Some people don’t do thinking. Seriously. At least not the conscious sort that will allow them to contemplate their actions and connect the dots of their behaviour with what results. It’s like there’s cotton wool or tumbleweeds in there. They’re not thinking about you or really anything. They’re numb.
Commitment avoidance via maintaining emotional and/or legal ties elsewhere. They cannot commit and they don’t truly want to commit in the truest sense of the word and if push comes to shove, they always have the emotional and/or legal ties to distance and protect them.
They hate feeling that they’ve made a mistake or failed. Emotionally unavailable people take the possibility of mistakes and failure very much to heart, either blaming themselves for everything or blaming the other party. The quicker they can tie themselves up with someone else is the faster they can feel ‘right’ again. Particularly for marriages or long term relationships, they may be struggling with comprehending the ending or be worried about how they ‘look’.
They rationalise that anyone that meets someone that’s fresh out of a relationship, separated, widowed etc must realise that they cannot commit or be fully emotionally intimate. They then deduces that you mustn’t want commitment or intimacy either. They’re passing time and having a good time, hence they assume that it’s what you want to do, even if you protest otherwise.
Feeling good again. They may genuinely be feeling very crappy after their breakup and you give them a boost. While this is nice, it would be better if they treated themselves to a holiday, a nice meal, read a book, or nurtured themselves. You’re not Heartbreak Hotel, Rehab Rachel, or a fluffer.
They want stability and are often used to someone making themselves indispensable for them. They may be the type that quickly wants to saddle up again and next thing you’ll be cooking, cleaning, ferrying their kids around and slotting into their exes old life – this is a major pitfall for women in particular. Unfortunately they’re still getting over their ex on your time and they’re unlikely to be receptive if you raise issues.
They mistake being out of control, fear of being alone, fear of making a mistake, and desperation to be coupled up again as deep desire for you or at least for a relationship. It’s not that they’re not attracted to you but the reason why they’re attracted to you now is very reflective of where they’re at emotionally.
They either believe that what limited ‘resources’ they do have are enough or a lot, or they’re overwhelmed. If it’s the former, they either have a lot of bravado or have a history of thinking that what they have to give is more than what it is, which means they’ll shut down any protests from you if you say otherwise. If they’re overwhelmed, they may directly state it (listen to them) or they may be feebly hinting or being disruptive by flip flapping – they’ve bitten off more than he can chew.
They may have changed their mind. The truth is that they often know that they’re not ready for a relationship included any that they’ve suggested you can have with them – Future Faking. It doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you per se, but they’ve realised that they’ve overestimated their capacity and capability for a relationship with you and have overextended themselves. If they’re the type to avoid conflict, they’ll be hoping you get the message telepathically or by acting up in the hope you’ll tell them to beat it.
They’re learning new things. This can be both about themselves, their previous relationship, their needs, or even dating as a whole and one of those things they may learn is that they’re not ready to close down their options.
They’re feeling guilty for moving on, how things ended, their kids, or even for misleading you. Guilt can play a large part in emotional torment and it’s a natural feeling that can arise when going through a big transition or worrying about what you could have or should have said and done. They may feel pulled in numerous directions especially if they’re still in dialogue with the ex, or in recognising that they can’t be and do what you want, they may feel guilty for getting you caught up in their life.
They’re afraid of making another mistake so they put you on layaway and remove you off the market while giving themselves the option of some R&R on your time while not being in it emotionally and often physically. They’re afraid that if they tell you the truth and you or they end it, that they’ll regret their decision and someone else will snap you up. Or they’re afraid that if they put both feet in that this may be a mistake that opens them up to risk and they’ll be getting mixed signals from the fact that you’re there even though they’re not.
A rebound relationship puts you in a de-prioritised position where you have to work two relationship ‘jobs’ to make ends meet – getting them over their ex and trying to sort out your own relationship. This dooms things not least because you can never feel secure around someone that’s into someone else and/or mooning over them on your time. You’re making it too damn comfy for them, breaking your back with your two ‘jobs’ while they enjoy the fringe benefits without genuine commitment, intimacy and other healthy relationship landmarks. Don’t go there. The moment you find out, deflate your airbag and take a parachute and jump.
Your thoughts?
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Wow, that was a profound post on the topic and covered all the bases! Excellent food for thought. Your last paragraph about being put on “layaway” – off the market but not “taken” by anyone including them, rings very true for something I recently went through. I know he was not really over his ex-wife even though he would not admit it – I’m not sure if he wasn’t over her personally, or over his own feeling of failure, or exactly what, but was not cleanly separated from or done with the situation and ready to openly be involved. I’ve known of other variations of this that have occurred with other women I know – if someone is still not over the past, they are not free for the present (other than enjoying all the perks in the present, which they’re eager to do, commitment free). These are always messy if you look beneath the surface. Wow, I’m developing quite the list of things to pay attention to going forward. NML thanks for contributing to my breaking these damn rose colored glasses.
Again Natalie you’re correct. I was getting divorced and met someone who’d just broken up with his longtime girlfriend. I wanted friendship, nothing more, yet I got tired of him whining about his ex, blah blah blah. At that point I realized I didn’t want to be in even a friendship with him. Thanks again for the clarifications since I was feeling badly about cutting him loose after two months.
so true, and so hard to read.
my ex has been separated for 4.5 years, divorced for 1.5 years, and really REALLY wants to believe he is ready to move on with his life. But he isn’t, and the mismatch between his fantasy of himself and the reality ended up being incredibly toxic for me. I wish I’d never gotten involved, but the truth is it took almost a year for me to realize exactly what was going on with the ex, the kids, his victim mentality, and his total lack of closure and boundaries.
until I broke up with him and told him to stop calling me for support he insisted that he wanted a future with me, while flip flapping and undermining that future on a regular basis, then telling me I was demanding too much when I complained about his lack of consistency. Seemed like I just wasn’t being patient and understanding enough. Now with 20/20 hindsight, I know that he used my empathy to evade his own responsibility and feelings about the end of his marriage and the incredibly dysfunctional dynamic he now has with his ex and his kids! I’m almost positive that if I hadn’t opted out, we’d still be doing that dance- who knows until when. But since I did bail, after weeks of texts and emails and phone calls saying otherwise, he finally admitted he has nothing to offer me, and that his singleminded focus on himself, his divorce, his needs and problems leaves no space for anyone else but him. I think he feels bad about this, but I’m also pretty sure that, if given the chance, he’d still be using me as a distraction, an escape, a shoulder to cry on, and an emotional airbag in some form or another.
the good news is that, even though I did get caught up in what he said/the relationship’s potential for a while, I also paid close attention to his actions, learned a ton, and will NEVER be a part of this dynamic again with him or anyone else.
This is good advice to help us avoid being taken advantage of.
But how do we avoid being the one who uses others?
My ex left me after six years of a close relationship. That was six months ago. I am still sad that he left me. I finally figured out I will get over him more quickly if I cut off all contact. I wanted to do that when he left me. But said he still wanted to be friends. I tried that, but realized it just gets me down. He wanted to give up his side of the obligations but still get my love and support. Bad deal for me. So I have now made the choice to not see him for quite a long time. I don’t know how long. Let’s try six more months or a year and we’ll see after that. But in the meantime, it will take time to heal. Am I treating others badly by dating now? I don’t want to treat others like an “airbag.” Yet I feel I am well enough now to give people my full attention when I am with them. Am I ready for a serious committment now? Probably not. But why shouldn’t I date people and learn about myself and what I am looking for in a possible future partner? Or maybe have fun? As long as I am honest with them and myself about where I am at, there can be no victims here.
How do I know when I am ready to date? I don’t want a rebound affair. It’s not good for me and not good for them. But I have enjoyed dating and getting to know people. Nothing is sticking yet, but I am meeting some nice people and learning about myself and what is realistic out there to expect. I’m interested in your thoughts.
David,
I’m sure you mean well and think that by being upfront with your dates that nothing can go too wrong.
I’m also sure that this is what most EU people think when they are trying to get over someone, I mean it’s only a date or two isn’t it? Surely if I’m upfront about it, it’s their choice to hang around or not? It’s the hanging around that hurts because sooner or later one person will develop feelings.
Do you have to date to meet new people? I meet new people all the time but rarely date and I am finding out the most about myself while single, and having a ball at the same time.
Just my thoughts 🙂 enjoy your dating if you want to date but please be careful of other peoples hearts
David, I had over a year of pissing about with various guys after the sudden ending of what I can now see was a toxic relationship. I knew part of my motivations for seeing people was for simple affection, to pass the time, and to test different ideas out. I thought I was pretty honest about this – to myself and others – and I purposefully sought out people who gave me strong signals that they weren’t up for anything serious. As a result, these encounters were short and without deep emotion or when there was deep emotion, it was not sustainable (eg two wounded people moaning about exes!). But the truth is, it was only really when I stopped even seeking out these sorts of things, when I said ‘no’ to the crappy hands I was seeking out and being dealt (I was, at the same time, a magnet for the emotionally stunted), and became OK with being by myself, focusing on my family and friends, nurturing my creative and intellectual interests and getting fit etc, that I recovered my sense of self that is needed for a healthy relationship. It’s very much like putting yourself in a buoy-at-sea scenario when you engage with people romantically when you’re not ready. Meeting new people, learning from people, even having mini emotional relationships, are all healthy and parts of moving on. But if you’re mixing it up with the physical when you know you’re not ready for commitment or if you’re being dishonest about the likely desires of the other person, you’re liable to go backwards in your progress (not to mention cause yourself a lot of hassles and more than possibly damage others). There wasn’t any single moment when I knew I was ready to get back on the relationship horse, it was more that I noticed I was making better decisions for myself – including not needing to run and around and get to know new people all the time, being content on my own, having more naturally positive thoughts about relationships and how they could be a part of my future. I didn’t need to find ego-strokes or entertainment anymore. I can see that it’s tricky because I knew that I was ready when I didn’t need these things I am indirectly suggesting you avoid for yourself. But I can say that the sooner you decide to keep away from faux relationships and mad-panic-attention-grabs, the quicker your recovery will be.
I’m feeling the same about knowing when I’m ready to date; it’s been two years for me since my last god awful relationship. While I know I’m better, some days I feel great and feel like the better improved new me and other days I feel angry and bitter still or just plain out of sorts.
How do I really know if im ready or just timid, I guess right now deep in my heart I think I’m more so not ready yet?
Even though I want to have intimacy with someone at this stage I feel like being in a relationship would be a huge imposition. That’s not good, think I just answered my question myself 🙂
I do know at least this, I’m not scared of what might be thrown my way because I know I can handle it and I have confidence I can look after myself. I didn’t have that before.
Or is it really wrong or a bad sign if your not ever fussed about being in a relationship again and just want to concentrate on you?
Trinity – Your post really resonated with me. Everything you write about is what I have been experiencing too. I honestly feel a relationship is nothing more than an imposition as well! I spent 10 years married and subjugating my needs to my husband’s and I will never do that again. In addition, the point Nat makes about people who want to rush into a second marriage/relationship to have their needs met rings particularly true in my age range. The few men I have met fit this category perfectly. They are looking for wife 2.0 to take care of their needs. Honestly, I never want to be someone’s mother/maid again. It’s cynical for sure, but I think when a man and a woman get married, the man gains a maid, and the woman, a burden. All that to say, I guess I am not ready either! I like my friends, I like my solitude, I like my hobbies and traveling and I don’t want to compromise any of these.
I would also like to know how you know when you are ready. I took plenty of time after ending a long relationship (MM/AC), didn’t date at all, focused on me and getting myself sorted out, felt like I was ready. I cautiously started dating again, even met a few guys who pushed my boundaries and I cut contact immediately if they made me feel uncomfortable. Then I met someone I thought was special and after what I thought was a thorough get-to-know-you, look at values/morals/beliefs/goals to make sure they all lined up, I ended up dating the same type of guy (AC/EUM). Clearly, I was not as ready as I thought, or I would have noticed the flags. How will I know when I am ready?
You wrote that for me, didn’t you? I think you described my last relationship perfectly….
Well, found myself in a rebound/transitional relationship….but didn’t even know the terms or situations like that even existed. Naive, eh? I truly believed what he said and being a compassionate person (who is also divorced) thought that “talking about life” was natural human endeavor. I have known the fellow for 13 years. Know his kids, know his ex-wife. He was a committed family man whose wife left him after 30 years. A nice guy really; really.
He Dumped me.
Now, 5 months later he is back. Driving by, waving, texting, talking. What do I do now?
hi Tracy, if i were you i’d be very careful…he’s more than likely still the same, unless he’s done a tonne of work on himself and five months isn’t long enough for him to do that inner work. You deserve better.
That post really resonated with me. For the first couple of years, he talked of his dead wife a lot, but she had passed a good 10 years before we met. When he really committed to shagging everything within 100 miles, he stopped talking about her almost entirely. My point, is that they use their “unresolved hurt” as an excuse to keep you at bay. In their minds, there will be some legitimate, honorable reason to keep you at bay. They have enough emotional intelligence to want to be able to see themselves in a good light. It’s how much crap they can sell themselves that lets you know how truly messed up they are.
Good point.
Last year, I was seeing someone who was pretty recently divorced. We agreed to keep things light and casual (I was applying to jobs in another city and was ok with casual), but as we spent more time together, I really started to care for him more. However, I could here certain things in his conversations, when we would argue or bicker, that didn’t apply to me. I heard him arguing with his ex.
After we spent the night together for the first time and had an amazing time, two days later, he broke up with me, saying he “wasn’t ready to be that happy yet.” He also said he couldn’t handle the commitment
I walked away, a clean break, ignoring his offer of friendship. One or two people have told me that he admits that he messed things up with me, but he hasn’t done much to get in contact. We’ve run into each other once or twice at a bar. Last week, he mentioned a new girlfriend, someone he’d been hanging out a bit last year. It stung a bit, I admit. I know he was still processing his divorce and gave him points for honesty, but it still kinda sucks.
Hi David,
I agree that being honest with whoever you date and with yourself is the key to being responsible and not causing damage. That way, you are giving the person dating you the respect and information they need to make a decision that’s right for them. I’d also keep my eyes and ears open just in case someone you date ends up hoping for or wanting more than you’re ready to give and opt out right away if this situation comes up so that you don’t inadvertently end up stringing someone along.
The thing that hurts the most about my recent relationship is that my ex wasn’t honest with me about where he was emotionally. Maybe even worse, he wasn’t honest with himself– so his words and his behavior were out of whack, it took some time for me to realize (and act) on this, and ultimately I got very hurt. Don’t do this to anyone, it’s not fair to them.
Props to you for being self aware about the healing you need to do, mindful of the impact you have on other people, and committed to being up front about your situation and limitations with anyone you date.
Izzybell and David,
With respect, I have to disagree. The very fact that you are dating someone rather than just hanging out and being friends implies that you are exploring the possibility of a deeper relationship. Even if you communicate from the get that you aren’t ready for a relationship what the other person hears is YET. They think that you are being up front and honest but that you also want to take it slow or that your intentions are to eventually be in a relationship. I had a guy who was recently separated who told me he wasn’t ready to commit or for a relationship, but wanted to be with me, had love for me etc etc of course what I heard was YET. But I very quickly realized he wanted me to cushion the blow and avoid his feelings, also boost his ego that he was still desirable. So I bailed. But it hurt me a great deal and left me very angry. If you don’t want to leave a wake of bitter bodies behind you, make friends, hang out, but put dating on hold until you are no longer vacillating over how long you will be NC with another guy. You are likely ready for someone new when you are no longer counting the months that you have been NC and trying to work out how much longer you will continue.
Have to agree with you Phoebe
Oh sounds like….. “I love you but I am not in love with you” but you can hang around if you want to as long as I am honest about it – its ok to use you like a ragdoll but if you get hurt its your fault because well… I did tell you. No I would say thats an excuse and a red flag!
My thanks to you and all the others who responded. I was hoping someone would challenge me and give me something serious to think about, and I was not disappointed (laughing).
Amen!!! So true. Every single one of these reasons is valid and honest. The trick is to not now use them as excuses to hold on to a bad relationship. No matter how bad I may have thought I wanted the relationship with the AC, he was simply not in a place to offer it. That he faked it and pseudo-tried and lied and all that crap doesn’t make it less true. I have absolutely no doubt that, in his head, he thought he was doing nothing wrong, being completely honest and never meant to hurt me. But he also wouldn’t commit to the relationship, nor would he leave me alone. He wanted his airbag – he just didn’t want any guilt or responsibility for what happened to me when he used it.
The responsibility for ourselves, our feelings and our emotional well-being lies with us, not them. He had this fake image of himself in his head, that he’s a great guy who never hurts anyone and he worked very hard to sell that image to himself and to me. For a while, I bought it, believing he would never hurt me. He wanted to believe it and I wanted desperately to believe it. Wanting to believe something is true doesn’t make it true. No matter what they say, believe what they do. Actions don’t lie and when the words and action don’t match, believe the actons. He might be able to say what he thinks you want to hear, but he won’t be able to do what you want if his heart is still with someone else (or just not there for any reason).
Wow this so hit home for me. After cutting off contact with a guy I met through work who I was very attracted and interested in – I couldn’t grasp the idea that after being separated for few years, having had other relationships, he still wasn’t Done-done…. And still legally and financially tied up and Not divorced. Didn’t get it- still don’t. Find i have little sympathy for those guys that “play victim” and as NML puts it “that one time in band amp”. Cry me a river and play me some violin. As women so much is expected of us – and while it may take time we Do work on ourselves. Even tho being rejected by mr. Separated hurt – the truth is I knew i could have had him if I’d put more effort in. But I just felt in my bones it was on him to step up- and if he couldn’t, then he wasn’t someone I could be with. Another hard lesson about EUMs learned. How can someone not be over an ex after only 6 yrs of marriage and nearly as much time separated? Someone who can’t handle failure or feels comfy in victim role. I struggle to understand and accept and remember it’s not me but him. But reading this article I realize that chronological time is irrelevant… Some people need a year or two… Yet Some people choose to wallow in their self-pity and miasma of poor-me mentality I guess? Even while crying about how “i hate being single i just want to meet someone” yet not allowing themselves to be emotional available. Sigh. It’s tough. :/
Looking back I could not have had a clearer red flag than this one. Every single date for ages was all about his ex till even me with a high tolerence level had to say something about it, I was definatley the emotional airbag but I didn’t get out, I think my whole role in this ‘relationship’ has been to be his airbag.
When I finally cut contact with him the first time round I met someone else. He was separated and I was getting over ex eum so we decided that it would be a good idea for us to get together. I didn’t get emotionally involved or attached here nither did he but I still felt like crap. Being each others second choice was a bad idea. I learnt a lesson here though even though I wasn’t emotionally involved never to date a separated man there is way too much baggage and NML is right if I had stayed I would have had two ‘relationship’ jobs to do.
Sounds contradictory because the first guy was also fresh out of a relationship but the emotional ties to me weren’t the same and he stopped mentioning her once I brought it up I don’t think the second guy could have stopped even if he wanted to.
But I now also know regardless it is a bad bad idea to start up with any man still going on about an ex.
For me I don’t know if I’m using not been over ex eum as an excuse not to get out there but deep down I know Im not over him. I have no contact with him and am trying hard to get over him and after reading this article two things struck me. ” They hate to feel they made a mistake and failed” I know I am emotionally unavailable and that statement struck me even though I can admit my mistake and that is somewhat liberating I feel like its another failure in the list of failures.
The second one they don’t want to close down their options. I do and I don’t. It is a battle seriously , and his stupid text to me didn’t help. he finished the text off with “when i’m feeling good again I will call you”
this text was dated 31st of May and it is now the 28th of June and I have been so angry at myself lately part of me wants him to call and part of me wants him not too so it is like im keeping him as an option and I don’t know what I want. I think we are as emotionally thick as each other and playing the options game.
Sorry gone of topic but if I date someone else I know he would be in the background.
I particularly agree with what you wrote about them always having the ‘excuse’ of the emotional or legal ties to fall back on. It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card.
How do you know if you are the rebound? my ex when i found out he had cheated on me ( and threw him out of my house) went back to the girl he had cheated on with me, yet he had only dated her for a month or so many moons ago. Is she the rebound? i have no clue?. As soon as i ended it, he ended up moving straight into a very serious relationship with her? Confused or what
Louise,
Well, you can be safe in the knowledge that;
a) you had the self-respect to chuck hm out
b) He knows this girl has low self-esteem so he can be as emotionally unavailable as he likes with her, although he might be faking a good future with her right now (look up NML articles on future faking), she will be emotionally invested and probably accept a lot of c**p.
c) He will be constantly comparing her to you, whether he voices this or not.
d) He will have in the back of his mind that he can do better than a girl who accepted being the other woman (i.e had some decent self-esteem)
I went out with a Married Man who left his wife for me. We had a great few first months, then the cracks appeared (not that u would see them from the outside though). Needless to say it never really works out . Take not that appearing happy and being together a long time, even getting married has F**K all to do with the interior intimate quality of that relationship. I still believe even Angelina Jolie’s relationship with Brad Pitt is seriously disfunctional… but then so are they.
Lou, you did exactly the right thing! luv & hugs x
I’ve been reading this site now for some time and this is the first time I have felt compelled to contribute as this is spot on for me at the moment. I’ve been seeing a guy for over 6 months and yet the physicality is somewhat lacking. We see one another roughly every 10 days, he says he doesn’t want to rush in and neither do I, although I would like to see some progression. There is some future faking on his part – making vague statements for the future which I am agreeable to, but then not coming up with firm arrangements. I know he’s been out of a long term relationship for a four years now and that it ended ‘messily’ in his words. I do not know the details since he has not felt able to tell me, citing that he ‘needs to be in the right mood’. I have not pushed this too much however as he clearly doesn’t feel able to talk about it. This then coupled with the lack of total physicality (ok there is some but not the full monty if you get my drift) would seem to indicate he is not ready totally for a relationship, this despite saying that he sees me as a long term option. He says I need to be patient, but I wondering whether he is really being honest with himself and that really this is some transitional thing for him. I get the feeling that he wants some emotional commitment but is unwilling/unable to put both feet in. These situations can be very confusing for all involved; do you stay or do you go? how long do you wait? should you wait at all?
I am still trying to work it out.
@moved_on
There are red flags all over the place, intimacy lacking, the 10 days!!!? in between connection, be his long term option??!! Vague loyalties to the ex and not sharing with you details…..Flush this fella and build that self esteem. There is someone more appropriate out there, you wont meet him while you tread water in the deep blue sea with this fish.
moving_on, the short answer is you don’t wait. Physicality lacking? And not being able to tell you about what happened in his last relationship? Whatever the reason this man is not fully there, you have to look at it as it is: he is not fully there! He isn’t ready for a relationship, and he has no right to make you wait while he sorts himself out. He clearly has a lot of work to do and shouldn’t have started to date again until he sorted himself out.
Step out of this ‘relationship’ and go find yourself an emotionally available man. You deserve better!
Ruth, TeaTime
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I know what you are both saying makes sense when you look at it in the cold light of day and I know what I need to do. What makes it especially difficult is that he is a trained counsellor. I guess it just proves that you can’t make assumptions about people. Sad but true.
I made the same assumption about a counselor a few years back (before reading BR!) and got burned as well. Similar approach to your situation: take it easy, see where it goes, on his terms not mine. When I pushed for more time together he refused. I walked away. Funny thing is he came back to me a few years later and said that when I walked away he was worried about not being able to commit to me. But instead of coming back to me he dated another woman to “prove” to himself he could commit. It didn’t last. You would think a counselor would have this figured out but look at their actions and do not assume anything.
What a timely post! My neighbour and I were discussing these very things yesterday. She had met the ex-EUM last year and wondered what had happened. She explained that he clearly wasn’t ready for commitment but didn’t have the courage to admit it.
He saw me as an option, a post-separation experiment as NML has put it. He thought he was ready but he wasn’t. At almost 40 years of age I think what he really wanted was to run around with a bunch of 24 year old women and have fun, and not be saddled with a late-30s single mum. My neighbour said that he *should* do that and get it out of his system before of even thinking of settling down again.
Ah well, at least he told me sooner than later. And to think that he asked *me* to get serious. Lousy jerk.
Oh yah, all truth… I will NEVER do that again. Most painful thing I have ever subjected myself to…
Hey Nat, i just read some of your blogs, i haven’t read them in a couple of months – they’re brill :-))) i need to keep reading so i don’t forget all i’ve learned from you. Knowing what i need to look out for (red flags) has made my life so, so much easier and i press the flush handle pretty quick!
Being an option isn’t an option!
As I struggle to understand my own emotional unavailability, which led me to get into a pseudorelationship with an EUM/AC who claimed his problems stemmed from never getting over some girl he knew years ago, this post helped a lot. I truly believe that relationships are meant to teach us things about ourselves. Your interactions with everyone – family, friends, co-workers and especially romantic attachments – show you where your problems are. They provide the feedback you talked about in a past post. But you have to be willing to hear it and have honest conversations with yourself, as you have also said. I think the airbag/transitional thing stems from that. It is a way of engaging with someone, getting the benefits of a relationship, without having to deal with the learning and growing that comes from a “real” relationship. We pick people, subconsciously, that don’t force us to engage or self-examine or question who we are. This sounds counterintuitive, since I spent so much of my time with the AC analyzing and picking through the crumbs looking for a relationship, but it was all a way to not have to deal with what I didn’t want to deal with – myself and my issues. I cursed his unavailability but it was exactly what I wanted. At that moment, I couldn’t have handled a mature partner who would have called me on my stuff or wanted me to show him his issues. And that is exactly what I got, even if it was so superficially painful and hard. The AC didn’t want to be shown who he really was and neither did I. We were perfect for each other, as much as I hate to say it. I see a lot of other posters are asking when do you know you are ready to move on. When you have done the work on yourself and it is no longer about the other person. When you are ready to look in the mirror and stay in reality and have the hard conversation. I am ready to do that and therefore I hope I am ready for a real relationship. Bless you, Natalie.
By jumping from one girl to the next my xAC was avoiding facing his issues. Neither of us was his ‘girlfriend’ at any point in time, but he just kept himself busy even though he knew he didn’t want a relationship. He told me how his last relationship didn’t end well, and that’s why he didn’t want something serious. You know what? That’s what he told the girl before me, and I know this because she’s now one of my friends.
Rather than be a man, step back and sort out his issues, he continued to act like a child, seeking short term pleasure over long term happiness while bringing down a whole bunch of girls with him. What he did was selfish and wrong. Whether or not that ‘last relationship’ ever existed doesn’t matter – what matters is that he was never fully there, never fully ready for a relationship, and no matter the excuse that is a big red flag to jump out of the sinking ship!!
Kind of a weird angle to be reading this from but I guess this is what my husband did with his “friend” who he has secretly been communicating with for years. I only know about the past years calls but he admitted to at least two years of calls – he has known her since 1989. At the very least it is an emotional affair. The secret phone call exchange between them (even if he intended it to only be friendly)indicates to someone that you are not committed to your marriage!!!! He can’t be stupid enough to think otherwise! This is in a sense putting her on layway.
What I don’t get is he still sees not problem with this….he firmly maintains he is the victim in all of this and I should be fighting for my man. I on the other hand think that him hiding the calls and their need to touch base twice if not more a day indicate an emotional affair.
He certainly didn’t think about his actions and how the impact they would have on his family – he thinks this is all just going to be better next week but I am sorry there is not one healthy marriage in which one has such an important friend to (worse case scenario) call her 52 times in one month. Your thoughts?
Bewildered:
“At the very least it is an emotional affair.” Yes, at the *very* least (??!). All I can think when I read your comment is – what a fraud of a man he is. I wish you the best in dealing with this ‘pass the buck’ and ‘turn the tables’ shifty character… but maybe remind him that he is quite simply a fraud who sold you and your marriage down the river and what sort of person does he think would fight to remain in a partnership with that? Good luck whatever you decide to do.
Bewildered,
I don’t understand? Isn’t this the man who was going to have a threesome with another couple?
Something is wring with this person! The scariest part is his ability to lie and take no responsibility. it doesn’t sound like someone who wants to change, or have a monogamous relationship.
It sounds like a lot of stuff has been going on for years but, you seem to be doubting your judgement.
Yes, I am curious too (though don’t want to go into forum style or off topic) but, yes – what about the threesomes he was – so comfortably – busy organising?
How did he make that problem disappear and manage it down to ‘she was just a friend’ (and then start acting like the victim?! I am v confused!). Something is telling me this man is running circles round you, Bewildered… please tread carefully!
I completely agree with you both….we have been married 21 years and luckily raised two awesome kids. He made a choice to put our marriage on the back burner for at least the last eight years.
I don’t have any concrete evidence on the Craigslist add…its all just hearsay and a lot of face slapping coincidences at this point. Not sure where to proceed from here but, I do know that nothing will ever be the same!
You saw it with your own eyes? You even e-mailed bits to yourself. You know what you saw and are allowing this guy to manipulate you. What is going on?
This guy is bad news! Please don’t let the longevity of the marriage cloud your judgement, this guy is an unrepentant, lying creep, who has no intention of changing.
What does this man have to do for you to take some action? He will do this again, actually he already is with the other woman.
Bewildered,
I am sorry but I have to agree with Allison here. It’s not ‘hearsay’ (hearsay is something you ‘hear’ through gossip – not with your own eyes on your own computer) and you would need to be hell bent on believing ‘face slapping’ coincidences to ignore the obvious connection between all the “tons” (you said) ‘Craiglist’ emails and this other woman. You posted this extract from one:
“hopefully we can make this work the weather tomorrow is supposed to be bad and we may need to go to Sarah’s mother’s house. If not tomorrow maybe this weekend or at the latest early next week. We really want this…You can call (my husbands cell phone number was inserted here). Signed…”
Who do you think he sent this to? Who are the “we” he refers to? (it is plainly this Sarah and at least one more person). And what is it *THEY* can make work, do you think?
Looks to me like he’s only admitting to what he is getting away with only admitting to. I can see that the whole picture must be very difficult for you to take in. At the moment you are most likely desperate to believe that it’s not as bad as you first thought, and that probably feels like a relief right now… but the rest will come to you eventually… you will make the connections when your head is ready.
Doing the 2 jobs to keep the relationship afloat is soooo true. Infact it felt more like 3 or 4 in high insight. Mine included looking after his kids, stopping my own activities etc etc.
Now, would you believe he had the audacity to keep repeating to me how he had left his relationship FOR ME… like everything was all my fault. So not only did I have to put up with his ex bullying me by text & also throwiing my stuff in the river… if ever I had a point to make i got chastised with he fact he changed his life for me. Therefore lumping all the responsibility for the relationship and the break up of his last relationship on me….
Interesting position to be in. Certainly not an equal dynamic!
This one is also for me. I really believe my ex-EUM truely thought he was in love with me, or ‘loved’ me, but the death of his ‘love of his life’ *made* him do or say things that were beyond acceptable. I made a mistake believing he was ready ‘enough’ to start something new and profound.
But, as Nathalie said here before, an asshole with grief is still an asshole. It shouldn’t be an excuse to treat you like you’re not worth as much as the girl who died and never will be, UNLESS you try hard enough to ‘earn’ the same status. He said ‘maybe she wasn’t the love of my life, maybe you are’.
Yeah, great, thanks. And I thought: ‘try harder Sofie’. He said ‘I know true love exists ’cause I know how it feels’ when we had one of our many disputes. Well, she couldn’t really argue against that now could she. There was no ‘living happily ever after’ they were together for 2 years, who knows how she felt. I didn’t ever dare to ask or THINK that question. Like when I would, I would be challenging the dead. I was paranoid with Death after a while. Also like I was born the day I met him and didn’t have a mind of my own that could make that kind of conclusion. Well, he made all kinds of assumptions because he thought, was actualy convinced, that life had learned him more than it had me. Everybody goes through life with their own experiences and realities. And for every single peron, that IS reality. Not worth more or less than somebody elses. I’ve had my share. But it just wouldn’t compare to his, ever, in his mind. No matter what. Which equals no balance. Which equals red flags all over. Which definitely equals: no future.
That said, it doesn’t really matter what life has brought you, it’s how you handle it. You either work through it sincerely, and before you’re ready to do that, don’t bother to start anything new.
There is no grey area.
I was ready for a full-on relationship, 2 years post-divorce. His divorce was to be done w/i the month. He has a kindergardener. His wife moved 1000 miles away back with an old BF. He is a good looking nice guy who loves and cares for his kid.
Now its been 6 months, but no sex with married men! (how pure of me?…no, I wouldn’t want to be in the shoes of the wife of a seperated ex or “the other woman”) In this time I started doing everything (except dating others) I used to do, like I was single. He calls everyday (all 6 months) and we have a great friendship. Emotional bond. He kid loves me. We see each other a lot. Do fun things. (It smacks of unavailability for both of us…huh?) Guess I am “the other woman” but without the benefits!
I feel I should date but have no desire since I’d rather be with him. So I am holding my own (I think) but feel like I am breaking a red-flag rule or 2. How to get motivated when it feels so comfortable? Leave the possibility of the future with him?
Lynne
You both needs to put your cards on the table and decide if you both like what you see.. It’s been six months, you may as well wait another month for the divorce to come through.
Beware of ambivalence. The nicest (in fact especially the nicest) person can dress up a lack of serious intent as something more positive. Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that good friend = good partner.
And, in the back of your mind, have your get-out option. Ultimately, you can’t keep being friends with someone of the opposite sex that you’d like a relationship with. You can only be “just friends” if you’d be genuinely pleased if he met someone else who loves him and his child. You’ve already taken yourself off the market because he’s the one you really want. Don’t let that go on indefinitely – that’s how we end up being FB girls.
He DOES sound like a good guy, and I don’t say that very often! Good luck.
Bewildered… so sorry you are having to go through this. Yes, he at the least is having an emotional affair… the most damning evidence is that he’s been speaking to her secretively. For years and what sounds like hours, without your knowledge, he’s had another woman as an additional confidant. You can’t have a marriage that is supposed to be built on honesty and integrity with this sort of nonsense going on. Kudos to you for facing it, as I’m sure it is quite painful and hard. Stick to your guns.. you know what is right and wrong here.
Background, all of this I just found out about
my on again off again bf AC for 14 years is as I type about to walk down the isle with a transition HE GOT PREGNANT….
all she knows about me is “he had a gf he loved”
He has already told me he does not love her; but as they both turn 40 tick tock As a payoff he bought her a home….. 11 blocks from me, I FOUND ALL THIS OUT ON MY OWN ( neither are from my neighborhood , he NOW ADMITS he all along wanted to still see me, and the …. ..Throwing in my face he wanted it to be ME… No, I would not step up to his 3 years of tirade of ” get pregnant I’ll marry you, crap” always while we were having sex…are you kidding we’ve been together since she was 5 now my daughter is 18 and with his history of cheating, lies and other dubious behavior I felt trapping this man by getting pregnant by him, even if it resulted in the commitment I fought for decades for would be a death sentence of, you trapped me BS … so now he is STUCK in a shot gun wedding….he’s rich, handsome and powerful…she thinks she hit the lottery and has no idea what he is capable of….Yeah I went back for 1 more week to suck it and see and he will not be loyal, whether it’s me or any one of his FB’s he has had he will continue to look out for #1 which is what he’s best at…..now I just have to heal
more
BTW thank you Nat, I found you wonderful site just in time (the week I found out 6 weeks ago) for me to see this AC for what it is , everything he said and did to try to manipulate me even after being caught in this..was simply BR textbook behavior…I’m still struggling tono t feel discarded and lost
I spent almost four years with a guy that was emotionally unavailable. I have done some counseling and I’m now better equipped to handle future relationships. What I am struggling with now is regretting that I wasted four years of my life with this AC. I saw all his bad behaviors but just ignored them because I was in love and thought he would get over his ex and failed marriage and move forward with his life…with me in it. But that never happened. We’ve been broken up for almost a year but I can’t get past these feeling of regret and wishing that I would have left sooner. Any advice for dealing with regrets and lost, wasted time?
Elizabeth – Forgive yourself. Be glad it wasn’t 5 years 🙂
Good food for thought.
After the downright cruel way my ex ended things, I made this doosey. I was seriously depressed and needed support. I turned to a friend who also went through a very bad breakup. We had a summer fling, but the guy is still interested in me. I feel tons of guilt over it. What do I do? He won’t take no for an answer.
Fedup
Cut him off, sounds cruel (and I suppose it is) but it’s better in the long run. For as long as you interact with him (even if such interaction consists of you rejecting him) he will have a smidgeon of hope. You’ve read time and time again here how many of us hold out hope of a proper relationship even though the man – through words and actions – is saying NO.
You’re not obliged to be friends with him because you had a fling and it would be better for both of you not to waste any more precious time and emotion on it. Guilt isn’t necessarily a good guide to what you should be doing. Especially if you’re depressed. Depressed people feel guilty about EVERYthing.
I have an example of this… a fea years ago I dated a separated man who got his divorce while we were dating (his ex filed for divorce). I saw some red flags early on and had the yelllow light was on. Once his divorce was final, I thought, great, now he can put all his effort into this relationship… mistake! His way of hanging on to the past (married 25 years) was to file for an annulment (he was a hard core catholic) which was going to take at least 2 years. He said it was the only way for him to feel like he would be available to another woman again. He was a good man and we were great friends but emotionally he wasn’t there, he was still in the past. I broke it off with him but he never understood what I meant when I said he was hanging on to his broken marriage by pursuing this annulment.
I know it was the wrong thing to do, but I was just so relieved that finally someone else at the time understood what I was going through. No one else did.
How do you know when you’re over your ex anyway? My ex left things unresloved between us.
Thank you, Natalie, for this article. I was in a relationship with a guy who was still in contact with his ex, only she had clearly moved on (and in one instance appeared to be avoiding him whenever he approached). I was confused about what happened then, but your article sums it up nicely.
I need to know if I’m being used as a buffer.
I met a guy online six weeks ago, we’ve have had great dates (on our 8th). On all our dates we talk at great length, so we are on a level intellectually.
On our third date we kissed, on our fifth date we slept with each other and the next day he called me at work to arrange the next date.
On our last date, after sleeping with each other again, I tried to “have the talk” with him subtlety. The reason for this is that in a few days’ time I’m going to be away for 2 weeks, so I asked if he’d still want to date me upon my return. He said: “Why? Did you think it was all over (smile)? Well, I haven’t thought that far to be honest, but I think it’s been going well so I can’t see why not.” We talked a little more and then I asked him when his last break up was. He said two years ago, and then corrected it to 18 months. Well what happened next pretty much shattered all the nice things above that I’ve just written. He said: “Ït was very serious. We were together for 10 years. It’s such a shame because we’re both highly qualified, and well-paid. (Not sure what he was insinuating with that). “…I hope she’s OK now wherever she is. She’s incredibly beautiful so I’m sure she’s not alone. She was so career focused that she ended up losing the chance to have children and that’s when the problems started.”
During our previous dates, he hinted that he was not very keen on having kids so upon hearing that I said: “But I thought you weren’t keen on kids?” to which he replied: “Well I don’t want kids now. I did want children with her but not now.” That really did it for me. Of course I was fuming inside because I felt he was being insensitive. I recall when I was getting over my ex and dating that I’d mention my ex in the same way – even to dates I liked a lot. But for me it was my way of sharing something about me; to be vulnerable and to let my (then) date know what I had gone through.
So here I am confused. Did he say all that to create some distance between us because he felt I was beginning to want something more than he could give?
Should I keep in contact with this guy and give him a chance i.e. contact him again when I get back?
I’ve seen him active on the dating website as well, but then I have been also – it’s mostly to check who’s been msg me.
Two cents anyone?