If there is one thing that the 21st century and the internet has brought about, it’s options. Before we had the world at our fingertips and we were separated by thousands of miles, we truly had no idea what was out there, and whether we were getting a good deal. Now, no insurance company, bank, or retailer can lie and tell you that they’re giving you the best price, because you can shop around and do price comparison to ensure that you get the very best deal, and it seems that this has stretched its way to dating.
It’s no secret that I am no fan of online dating. Yes there are honest people who date online and there are success stories, but online dating is the home of many people that have an allergic reaction to being truthful. Plus the very act of online dating seems to send a message to people that the grass is always greener on the other side, and to spread yourself out there as much as possible. So what if you have met a guy and discovered that he’s still ‘shopping around’ online?
According to Evan Marc Katz at Advice from a Single Dating Expert, ‘Online dating is truly a levelling of the playing field – not a tilting in the man’s favour. And the more desirable the person – whether it’s because of looks or money or education – the more likely that you’re gonna have a hard time getting that person to settle down on you. They most likely know that they have great power and are intent on exploring it.’
He suggests that women should combat the uncomfortable situation of knowing that their guy is sniffing around online by “…not sweating it. You can’t control what anybody else does, you can only control your actions and reactions to things.” He also suggests that women should “go in with the confidence that they’re going to love you and they’re more likely to love you. The more you worry about how often he’s logging on, and who else he’s dating, and why he hasn’t taken his profile down, the more likely you are to come across as needy.”
Now whilst I can appreciate to an extent why he has drawn this conclusion – after all, if you had your opportunity to have your cake and eat it, you would – it really does fail to address the core issue with being with a man who still has an active online dating profile and is continuing to fill his boots and shop around.
He is keeping his options open and if he’s doing that he cannot be emotionally available, and he can’t be making the appropriate effort to give your relationship a chance. You’re not needy for not wanting to be one in a long line of women – You’re a woman with good self-esteem that doesn’t want to be messed around. It is tedious and boring when men use ‘needy’ to absolve themselves of having to do the decent thing. All of a sudden, she’s needy and he has legitimised his dubious behaviour. Are you really being needy by saying that you’re not comfortable with the online equivalent of cruising?
And of course there is an even bigger question – What is the frigging difference between shopping around online and shopping around in a bar? You can be damn sure if he was sniffing around a bar, trying to pick up other women, you should most definitely be sweating it.
Guys who shop around online whilst still dating or hunting are trying you out before they buy. It gives their ego’s the reassurance that they’ve still got ‘it’, that they’re still ‘out there’, and they’re not ‘tied down’. Surely if a guy has met a woman in the real world and has the opportunity to forge a relationship with her, why is he still actively pursuing women in the virtual world?
Whilst you’re not ‘sweating it’, he’s rationalising that his virtual activity is separate to his real world activity, so he doesn’t even have to take any responsibility for how his actions may affect you.
When it comes to men, you shouldn’t like sharing (unless that’s your thang) and if you’re in search of a relationship that has a view to developing into a committed long-term relationship, you shouldn’t be prepared to turn a blind eye to his wandering keyboard fingers. Just because you have options, doesn’t mean that you have to exercise them. The online dating playing field appears to present people with options but what it’s actually doing is keeping people further away from committed relationships whilst they keep their eye out for something bigger and better because there seems to be infinite choice. But there’s no point in having a multitude of choice if you never actually make a choice instead of keeping one eye over your shoulder in search of a newer, shinier model that might tick all of your boxes.
If you’re going to be with a guy that shops around online:
– Don’t commit to him because he clearly has not committed to you.
– Find out what his idea of shopping around is. For some guys it means having ‘communications’ (read: flirting) and for others it’s virtual sex, or even meeting up.
– Establish a cut off point. If he’s still doing it after you’ve gone from dating to being so-called exclusive, it’s time to leave him alone with his laptop.
– Cut him off and find a man who can focus his attention on you instead of behaving like a kid in a sweet shop.
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It’s not only men who do this. I am a woman, separated, dating again. In over 2 years I have only dated men I met online. Most of them “lost my number”.
Last week I went on a date with someone I met in person. I am scared that I’m not emotionally available because I am very emotionally attached to a guy I met from the internet 2 yrs ago, we hang out, cuddle, kiss, talk about everything under the sun, but neither of us will commit to an exclusive thing. Yet I feel like I am “cheating” by going on dates with others. I even had a 10-month relationship with someone else.
He knows I date others, which could be why he is holding back, but I’m too scared to give him all my focus, and haven’t quite figured out yet why that is. Maybe once my clean divorce goes through, things will feel different.
Now I read the article and I agree on some points, but I really doubt that a person who seeks dates online is not emotionally available, I feel its more like not putting all of your eggs in one basket. Also the same could be said about people who don’t do the online dating thing but are always in bars and clubs meeting people, so to generalize it as something that arises from online dating is very unfair. But to address the last points made, I wouldn’t suggest that a person not committ because their “partner” hasn’t committed to them, I would say however be wary of committing a great deal more than they have because then they have more power over you, and from my own experience, if you don’t want your partner dating online and they just don’t understand why, then fight fire with fire to show them exactly what you mean. Yes it will probably end up a little messy but I’d rather a little mess for the amount of time invested in that person to fix it. I agree with the fact that you must communicate to see what the person’s idea of shopping around is, however, do not think because you established a cut off point for him that it will do you any good. He might agree with it at first, but he’ll find a way if he wants to. Which leads me to my last point, don’t cut the person off without first giving them a chance to change or show an effort for change. Now granted the person is not going to overnight drop their bad habits, but if you see improvement or it has toned down to an acceptable level then enjoy your companionship and have fun together.
This is very true. I am dealing with this now. I met a guy online last year and we became exclusively dating shothly after. I said that I was the only woman he wanted to be with. Well 3 months into the relationship I noticed that he had been still chatting and communicating with women he met online. He even had several numbers of women that he met. I apologized and said that he was wrong, but continued to chat with these women. Finnaly I just could not take it anymore. He never wanted to let me go, yet he refused to stop chatting. He wanted his cake and wanted to eat it. I guess the security of knowin g that he had me and the unlimited options of women online. I was heart broken, but there is no stopping him. I was able to find his password to the site, and he is still online. It is like he is addicted to meeting people online.
My ex EUM is weird. He was constantly online on this dating site when we were dating and now that we are over (4 weeks NC now) he is hardly ever logging in. Why?
And yes, I know it´s sad that I´m still checking. I´m even secretly hoping that my final email in which I broke it off and made him clear what he had done, has hit home with him.
I know it´s ridiculous to base that on the sole fact that he hasn´t logged on a dating site so much anymore.
But still… :`)
Anne, I am not that familiar with dating sites, how can you tell he has logged on? You are also assuming that he only meets people thru online dating sites. Can he tell that you checked his last log in?
I am confused how this stuff works, didn’t think people can “watch” your moves on these sites.
What did you tell him in your final e-mail?
I received an email from him after 5 weeks NC in which he only said he missed the sex we had.. !??! So I replied where he got the nerve approaching me for sex after he stood me up, didn´t call when he said he´d call, etc etc. and that he had proven himself to be a person without integrity and I suggested he call an escort service..
On some sites you can see when a person has logged in last. And no, he can´t see that I checked him. Very handy, but not good for obsessive Fall Back Girls.
Anyhow, just a few minutes ago I received a text from him (1,5 week after my email reply). He asked how I´m doing. Again as if nothing happened. I deleted it instantly (good for me! Yay!). What the ** is he thinking? Not very much probably…
This has happened to me years ago; and I know it’s a very common issue for people who date online. I loved your advice that you should establish clear cut boundaries this way the man can’t minipulate you into thinking that he didn’t know any better. In fact, I vowed that if I was ever to choose to get into a relationship with someone I met online I would tell them that once we are exclusive, there are no exceptions.
Well what happened a while back was; I was dating a man for a month. There were red flags as him talking about ex on dates, very charming etc… all was going fairly well (on the surface) anyhow after a month of dating. We were at a restuarant and he asked me to be exclusive. I didn’t feel very close to him at that point and told him I did need a little bit more time. From this man asking me to be exclusive; I thought he really was into me. Little did I know, he still had his profile up and active online and I was furious because this was after sleeping together (I know should have got that exclusivity agreement) but was going with the heat of the moment (learning experience)… but from the fact that number 1 he asked me to be exclusive, slept with me and didn’t attempt for another committment; and was still active online showed that he didn’t have the depth of feelings he said. The funny thing is; there was weird behavior anyways before this happened in th beginning when I noticed that he had another screen name that he would chat with; and I innocently found that out — so it was obvious he had another identity online to flirt with woman. The whole thing was obvious looking back — but these guys can be experts at trying to manage down your expectations and claim you are overreacting meanwhile you are just trying to get what you deserve. I admit looking back that it was possible I got more interested when he was showing me he wasn’t that into me; and from the start it would have never worked because I wasn’t ready… but the post was great and definitely something a woman who is serious about finding a suitable mate to consider when online dating.
Oh and P.S. this man is still trying to IM after years later of dating!! Over the past year, I admit I’ve had alot of healing and growing to do and was just chatting friendly hellos when online but of course he would try to get us to meet up and that’s where my fantasy thinking came into play. I realized how crazy I was being; and after this site there was no second guessing myself and got real. We aren’t friends and never will be after what happened with us dating! He changed his screen name and IMed me one night — which I didn’t respond after I found out it was him — then he tryed again saying “I don’t have time to talk but just wanted to say hello!” In my mind, I was like “is this guy on crack?”… so I IMed him and said “I’m glad that you don’t have time to talk, because I don’t wish to IM with you, stop contacting me weirdo!” and blocked him. I couldn’t resist, becuase I was always the type to feel bad to say the truth to the guy; and I felt I needed to say that. He gave me a wake up call when after we talked on IM we agreed to meet up for a friendly drink… and he never contactd me (typically unavailable behavior, again what did I expect to get from this?) which woke me up but it’s so disturbing now to see that since I am operating in reality, the disillusional world they operate from… no thank you!
I’m sorry, just wanted to post to Anne. The dynamic (from my observation) is that EUP are drawn to the hot and cold effect… the disillusion, the “talk”… not cold, hard reality because if they were they probably wouldn’t choose to date this person in the first place. He is now not going online because he doesn’t see it as a challenge; when he was dating you, he felt that he had to remain EU so he went and dated online, now that he doesn’t have you… he is now keeping himself pre-occupied with chasing you… it’s a continueous game and he will never be available for you.
Hi G. thnx for your response. What you said:
“He is now not going online because he doesn’t see it as a challenge; when he was dating you, he felt that he had to remain EU so he went and dated online”
Sounds very plausible. Him dating me most likely triggered all kind of EU behaviour like shopping online that isn´t triggered anymore now that he is single again. (and will remain single if it´s up to me, still NC, yay!)
G, I agree, but what is an EUP??
Oh Lawdy, my neighbor just came by to pick me up for our daily evening walk and I had her read this and this is what she said (she is 62! ): you were propping up his butt, giving him the confidence to go online and chase other woman, he had you in the “background”
G, she disagrees with “him” being pre-occupied” with chasing “you”, he is waiting for you to chase him.
NML, if you have time, would you comment on that? Please?
My neighbor has told me that a long time ago and she is so sweet, she calls these men “horses butts” and I know I have a better word for that. 🙂
We are going for our walk, it is so nice outside, 82 Fahrenheit, who needs an EUM, when you can enjoy your 62 year old neighbor???
Anne,
Perhaps he switched sites.
Anne, switching sites is a very real possibility. Just last week, I was looking at an online site and the very first profile that popped up was my ex-EUM’s. He is still active on the site on which we met, but is also on this other one. I suspect he has been on in for quite a while….Unfortunately, this set us back in the NC because he will know I looked at his profile (you have to create a profile in order to look at the site) even though I deleted my profile immediately upon seeing his. Not worried about it, though, because unlike most other EUM’s he has respected the breakup and not tried to contact me. (Probably because he’s too busy with the rest of the women in his harem). Just to show you….on this new site, he lied in his profile about something as simple as whether he has a college degree and from where. He does not and said he had it from a state in which he never lived. Knowing this, why do I still miss him and want him back?
Anne,
Sorry, but why are you still putting energy into this guy? It doesn’t matter if he’s online or if he’s not online, the important thing is is that he’s out of your life.
Try to focus on you.
I’m sorry, I was just saying emotionally unavailable people, both male and female are drawn to the hot/cold like NML talks about – just like we were drawn to the hot and cold, they are too… so it’s like an opposite effect. I really like this post… it really puts a perspective on that because I remember when I read up on “men being active on dating sites” some people give advice like “oh, what are you fussing about, they can flirt around in real life? trust them or whatever” but the thing is, if a guy you were dating was always in a bar (like NML puts it) that would clearly be grounds for an unemotional available man and if you are exclusive grounds for breakup… and if just casually dating probably not someone you want to consider being in a relationship with if he clearly is showing he is not interested in courting. I’m not referring to weeks, if you are dating pretty frequently and he is professing all this stuff like he is “crazy about you, etc” and he is up on sites, he is lying!! LOL