It’s understandable to feel very perplexed when somebody says one thing and does another. It’s all the more confusing when they literally told you something only hours or days before and then did something that ran so counter to what they originally said, that you wonder if you blacked out for a period of time and dreamt the whole thing. You simply won’t be able to fathom how somebody can do a complete one-eighty.
They don’t really feel all of their feelings and think all of their thoughts and connect them with their actions and words. They say something but they don’t think about what that means beyond that moment so they forget that what they said has some actions that need to go with it, along with some implications, or that it might totally contradict certain beliefs.
When somebody says one thing, does another, and possibly thinks something else, all that you’re going to wind up with is problems.
It’s as if you’re dealing with three separate people and none of them are communicating with one another or on the same page. Each one is operating in their own isolated little bubble and doesn’t seem to register that what each of them is doing matters to what they’re each putting out there.
When actions, thoughts and words are disconnected, a person lacks congruency. They end up out of sync and lacking in self-awareness.
They do something because maybe it feels good in that moment and seems like a very good idea. They’re reactive. They do or state something on day #30 for instance but don’t realise that as a result of this, each day after this needs to back up what was done or said. When they observe you actually believing what they’re saying, an unease sets in due to expectations created by their disconnected selves.
And then they have to find a way to manage down your expectations instead of being upfront and admitting that they’ve overextended themselves. It’s backtrack time.
If they privately have beliefs that undermine what they’re saying and doing, they will start to act in line with those beliefs, even if the words aren’t reflecting this new output. The seeming actions of what they’ve promised mixed in with the actions that reflect their thinking will confuse you. It’s why someone blowing hot and cold can literally leave you scratching your head in confusion.
When there are beliefs that are contradicting one another, they undermine whatever is being said and done. A person can say that they want a relationship but if they privately believe that they’re not good enough or that they’re afraid of being vulnerable or that a relationship is only ‘right’ if the person is ‘perfect’ all of the time or whatever, they can make certain noises and actions that appear to be going down the relationship path but at the same time they’ll also behave in line with their beliefs in subtle and not so subtle ways – code amber and red behaviour as well as signs of disinterest. Remember, if we didn’t act in line with our beliefs, we’d have to change them because it would mean that they’re no longer true for us.
It’s also important to recognise that there are a lot of people pleaser’s amongst us who will tell you what you want to hear or what they think you want to hear or what they believe a situation calls for. Ooh we’ve been on two dates; I should mention how I can see us being together forever.
Romance and the fantasy of possibilities feels good. Unfortunately they get carried away and then have to backtrack to what they truly intended to be or do. Unfortunately the person who says one thing, does another and thinks another won’t be upfront. They’ll think that they are…and then they’ll say or do something else entirely. Exhausting. There’s thoughtlessness mixed with lack of application.
When we’re willing to put in the time to figure out who we are and to make sure that we’re being authentic by living our lives in line with our values, that in itself creates a great deal of self-awareness because we know who we are. It then feels strange to be putting different selves out there and forces us to act with more due consideration instead of just saying and doing stuff ‘in the moment’.
You won’t know where you stand with someone who is disconnected from their actions, thoughts and words, and you’ll know that there’s a disconnection issue because you experience a lot of disappointment with them. It comes with the territory. The funny thing is that a person like this actually expects you to buy what they’re selling in that moment and will get irritated that you’re hesitant or even calling them out on their contrary behaviour or past let downs. The key thing is for you to match what you think with what you do and with what you say because as long as you’re doing this, you’re being you.