Many BR readers have been perplexed by how in spite of the fact that they may have known someone for hours, days, weeks, or a few months, they can’t let go of memories of feeling good or the steadfast belief that the other party meant every word and action, so they persist in rehashing the memories and the beliefs, often making the time spent fantasising and ruminating greatly exceed the length of the actual involvement.
When this happens, you’re stuck on this fundamental belief that what you experienced only happens when you’re experiencing ‘love’. What you feel, see, and do during the involvement isn’t questioned and is assumed to be a response to it. Your mind cannot compute the fact that it wasn’t love, or at least not the beginning of a complete ‘ideal relationship’ forever and ever and ever. You may rationalise that even if it has been a short period of time, it’s because of the deep feelings between you, not Fast Forwarding or the presence of code amber and red behaviour.
When you’re stuck on these memories and beliefs, it can make you wonder:
– How could a Future Faker know what you want to hear?
– In fact, how could anyone who you didn’t know before becoming involved, know how to bring these feelings out of you without even knowing you for any great deal of time? It must mean something, surely?
– How could you feel ‘like this’, whether it’s high on the possibilities when you’re with them or miserable now that it’s over, and it not be symbolic of love? What is it then? You may have always believed that you’d only feel, act, and think a certain way if you were experiencing ‘true love’.
You then get stuck because you over-trust the over-correlation you make between your feelings, experiences, actions, hopes and expectations…and love.
It can feel like your mind and body is playing tricks on you. Ever assumed that a great sexual connection equals an emotional connection equals the making of a great relationship? Many readers end up remaining involved with someone to justify the fact that they had sex or a level of interest in the first place – the Justifying Zone. It’s like “There must be a good reason….I just need to find it!”
You take meaning from your actions. The thing is, of course all of our actions have meaning, it’s just that they don’t always have the meanings or weight that we attribute to them.
Some, for example, attribute post breakup pain and being unable to move on as a sign of how deeply the love is felt, but actually, how much pain you feel or how long you immerse yourself in living the breakup life is actually indicative of how you’re handling the situation and how you feel about you, especially if the relationship was unhealthy.
When you’re stuck on certain beliefs, you think and say stuff like:
“I wouldn’t be stuck unless….”
“I wouldn’t have done this unless…”
“I wouldn’t have believed this unless…”
“I wouldn’t have felt this unless…”
The uncomfortable truth is closer to this: These actions or lack thereof, are not a sign of love or even what you’re ‘owed’; they are a sign of your own unavailability. What are you avoiding?
We’re also back to the stubbornness I talked about in the last post – why keep believing something that doesn’t truly serve you and certainly isn’t reflected in results? Rather than admit that you made an error in judgement, or believed too easily, or that it was good while it lasted but it wasn’t meant to be for valid reasons, you want to blame yourself, or feel tricked out of a relationship you feel you’re owed. It’s persisting in holding onto these illusions about the other person, the circumstances, or even yourself that is disappointing you again and again and again.
Sometimes you feel excited, passionate, lustful, loving, caring, adoring, obsessive, jealous, possessive, careless, insecure, sexy, horny, trusting, admiring, and willing to take a chance, or willing to believe, or willing to be, do, and say certain things…and it’s nothing whatsoever to do with the ‘rightness’ of the situation or even the existence of ‘love’.
You are a person under your own command. That’s not to say that sometimes our minds and bodies don’t leap ahead, but it is just too great a leap to decide that what you say, do, and feel is intrinsically tied to the presence of love. When you make these assumptions about you, you’ll make them about others, and then forget to judge the situation or them by the truth of their actions consistently over time.
You feeling what you did or do is your feelings. They are not linked to an ex or current person on an index of believability. “Ooh I feel chemistry again…that’s 99 points on the believability index!”
The payoff of believing that you wouldn’t be being, doing, or feeling certain things ‘unless’ is that you don’t consider other possibilities. You don’t even consider the facts, which is why so many readers who are stuck, do their very best to avoid considering some far more obvious reasons why the relationship wasn’t going to be what they thought it was, regardless.
It’s like “Yeah they had partner already or yeah they lied or yeah I thought they were shady…and what? I felt and did these things so it was love so this stuff doesn’t matter.” Er, yes it frickin’ does. ‘Love’ or ‘lust’ is not some magic eraser. If you think you can feel something and shazam, problems gone, think again.
Contextually, what you feel is what you feel (although you may in time come to realise that what you’ve experienced isn’t the same type of love you’d feel in a healthier situation), but there isn’t the loving, mutual relationship to back up your beliefs, so it’s time to reassess what you believe to be true.
Yes you may well believe that you wouldn’t have said or done certain things ‘unless’, but the fact is that you did, and the unless part doesn’t stand up. You’re talking about a situation and a person in the past, which is only confirmation of the fact that the present and what happened subsequently isn’t reflective of what you’re holding onto.
Fact is, people don’t automatically know what you want to hear, but they soon find out by your receptiveness and then they know which tune to play. It doesn’t mean you’re ‘soul mates’.
Sometimes being high on the possibilities is about grabbing an opportunity to escape a life that you’re not happy with. Sometimes being miserable after the breakup, is about your relationship with you and often being angry at having to return to a life you don’t want.
If you have acted ‘crazy’, busted up your boundaries, turned a blind eye, and eroded your own values, that’s not out of love – that’s out of a lack of self-love and attempting to trade you for a reward.
When you’re ready to have a good, honest conversation with yourself, you will realise that you can feel, be, or act in certain ways and it not be out of love. This is especially the case if you 1) have low self-esteem and 2) have a relationship pattern that has been working against you.
Love is all about action, not just words and thinking. It’s also sustained and consistent action. Talk and the honeymoon period at the start of a relationship is cheap, but being in for the long haul and demonstrating love and commitment day after day, isn’t. If something you claim was love could be over in hours, days, weeks, or months, it didn’t have the legs to stand up to real life or time. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t great while you had it, but if you’re in the market for a genuine, mutually fulfilling relationship that can go the distance, it’s time to let go of memories that really have about as much nutritional value as crumbs.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl if you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships or feeling love with people who don’t match up, in my bookshop.
Image via Thrimp at SXC
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“Sometimes being high on the possibilities is about grabbing an opportunity to escape a life that you’re not happy with. Sometimes being miserable after the breakup, is about your relationship with you and often being angry at having to return to a life you don’t want.
If you have acted ‘crazy’, busted up your boundaries, turned a blind eye, and eroded your own values, that’s not out of love – that’s out of a lack of self-love and attempting to trade you for a reward”.
Too right, Natalie. These were some of my worst “squirm factor” issues which I had to stop denying, own up to and deal with. They were like bits of unspeakable detritus which I’d swept hastily under a rug so that the truth of them wouldn’t spoil the smooth veneer of my apparently “glamorous” and enviable life, as others on the outside saw it, to be left forgotten and festering away under there for years. It was only when I had that whole damned rug pulled out from under me at the end of my “epiphany” relationship last year that I was forced to do something about all that rotten stuff I’d been pretending wasn’t there, and start clearing it up. The spring-clean has begun and there’s already been some good progress, and now that I’m getting my house in order it’s time to start inviting people in 🙂
Thank you, thank you! I love this post and am receiving support for my inner journey of becoming more accountable and honest with myself. I really like the comment that old memories about an unhealthy relationship have the nutritional value of crumbs!!!! LOL! That is just so good and helps me to stay on the straight and narrow (i.e. non past-fantasizing). Thanks for sharing your wisdom and experience, Natalie, I appreciate it.
That first quote – about jumping in and calling it love because of the unhappiness with your own life spoke to me too. It describes exactly what happened with me (not “to” me because it was a disaster I walked into). And at some level the EUM knows it, mine certainly did and subtly and not so subtly reminded me constantly of how great his life was, and patronised me. He picked up on my feeling of being less than and he used it to pump himself up. Sometimes it was so transparent and obvious I was even dimly aware of it at the time. In hindsight it is glaring. Reading this is a good reminder to focus on MY life, not him, because there really was nothing of substance, no matter how it seemed at the time. I still feel pain and anxiety, but am working on recognising that is about me not about the nonrelationship I never had with him.
Every so often there’s a post where even the title alone hits you – BANG! – right between the eyes. This is brill. I especially like this: “actually, how much pain you feel or how long you immerse yourself in living the breakup life is actually indicative of how you’re handling the situation and how you feel about you, especially if the relationship was unhealthy.”
I have this theory that I call coat-hooks (that I’ve probably outlined on here before) – when your brain has a lot on its plate and lots of different things to worry about it copes by making one issue the Be-All And End-All, so that it can ignore (or explain a lack of action on) all the others.
For a long time, during and after my pregnancy, I took my many carrier bags, filled with my many issues and hung everything on the coat-hook that was Son’s dad. It was all his fault. It was all because he didn’t want a relationship with me. It was all because he messed me about. And I was never – EVER – going to get over it.
Because of him, I a) was a single mother b) was pretty ashamed of myself my messy life c) had to work very hard d) had no friends e) had no social life f) felt ugly g) lived with an elderly relative h) was skint i) wasn’t able to be the sort of parent that I wanted to be j) hadn’t had the sort of pregnancy that I’d wanted to have k) was doing nothing all evening every evening but sitting and staring at internet horoscopes and l) was tired.
With all the weight of all those issues on a single coat-hook, was it any wonder that the wall started to buckle?
Once I started to take responsibility for MYSELF, took the carrier bags of issues down and started to sort through them, I found that it was all quite manageable. a) I could cope with it – and it had been my choice anyway b) I can live with it, no-one’s thrown stones at me yet c) I can manage d) I was either well-rid or else they were still there, it was ME avoiding THEM e) I can organise one f) I can live with it – AND I can put more effort in g) I could – and did – move out h) I can live with it i) I can try damn hard to be j) fiddlesticks, the ‘pregnancy experience’ is all a big money-making con anyway k) I could stop it and l) I could go to bed earlier
Putting everything on him left me in the very convenient position of forever waiting for him to come and wave a magic wand to put everything right, and not having to do anything myself. But it didn’t feel particularly good.
Hi Yoghurt.
My children are now young adults and I raised them on my own after leaving my husband when they were five and six. It was a difficult decision, but I actually lifted us out of a toxic environment. They were raised with much more stability and with my values. They maintain a relationship with their dad and they love him but I think they can do so because of my raising them on my own. It is what I am most proud of.
My son has actually thanked me for raising him and has called me to wish me Happy Fathers Day.
I can tell by your writing that you are a smart and thoughtful woman, My mother always assured me that my children needed one stable parent, and I know you will be that for your child. You have everything your child needs already.
My post on my blog this week is called Warrior, and I think you must be a fellow one (as are many on this site). If you want to read:
Sending you strength and support.
@ yoghurt, Thank you so much for this insightful analogy— I’ve definitely found myself blaming men in my life in the past & am now learning how to pull up my big girl panties & deal with my own issues. It doesn’t provide instant gratification the way an addiction to an unhealthy, distracting relationship does… but the more I think about it, we complain for the guys using us—- but I’ve found myself using men (men that I didn’t even want) as a distraction to dealing w/ myself.
@ yoghurt, Thank you so much for this insightful analogy— I’ve definitely found myself blaming men in my life in the past & am now learning how to pull up my big girl panties & deal with my own issues. It doesn’t provide instant gratification the way an addiction to an unhealthy, distracting relationship does… but the more I think about it, we complain for the guys using us—- but I’ve found myself using men (men that I didn’t even want) as a distraction to dealing w/ myself…..And then slapping the title of “LOVE” on it to help justify the craziness lol— Thank God I’m finally learning!
I loved this post.
“Love is all about action, not just words and thinking. It’s also sustained and consistent action. Talk and the honeymoon period at the start of a relationship is cheap, but being in for the long haul and demonstrating love and commitment day after day, isn’t. ”
Amen. That says it all in a nutshell.
Hormones are a bitch. With my last longer-term EUM boyfriend, I felt so much “love” (I thought) but it was actually just the extreme “high” of our chemistry. I seriously doubt I’ll ever meet someone that I have that level of incendiary chemistry with again. It ultimately did not matter, though, because there was no “ground” under the relationship. Perhaps I did feel some actual love for this guy – but any of it became water under the bridge.
My most recent Future Faker (I’d never been “future faked” before) – made me feel high just by his nice personality and all that he promised – wow, I’d never met a guy so expressive with his feelings, and we had fun together. My mind said “Wow, he feels it too, must be a soul mate!” and thought we were mutually in love that would never end. I opened myself to love and trust him WAY too quickly. Three months later he was proven disingenuous by his actions and abruptly bailed after again telling me he loved me. I am healing from the hurt that he just totally disregarded me, my love and my feelings at the end. I think I despise future fakers and men who “fake relationships” more than anything I’ve experienced – because it is utter BS which to me equals total disrespect of someone.
YES – hormones can be an entry way into a relationship, if there is that type of chemistry, but unless sustained by mutual action, they mean nothing other than the drug like effect they have on us. We so WANT to believe. It’s already been covered in other posts that guys can make love to you all day like they are on their honeymoon x 10, and it may not mean a thing.
Yep – consistent actions over time – no substitute!
I am glad you are resolved not to give into “chemistry,” but after all that explanation, gurl, are you being honest with yourself?? There are definitely guys that maybe smell good or don’t smell good to me, but even if I dance with a guy that smells amazing at the club, I don’t have sleepless nights over him. He’s a stranger. It’s when you have crazy expectations — a purely MENTAL, thought-based phenomenon– that you get disappointed or pine away forevermore. I think you are attributing too much to pheremones (another thing that you can’t control) and not enough to your thoughts (which you are in total control of.)
and by the way- your brain doesn’t release all that yummy dopamine and oxytocin if you never sleep with him.
@Infinite Corridor – points well taken. But with the longer term EUM – he was my friend’s coworker whom I’d met at a party at his house, then we subsequently dated – he seemed to be lined up with what I felt I was looking for – talented, intelligent, handsome, common interests, “nice” and we had some phenomenal dates and chemistry that, you are right, evolves majorly after you hit the sack. I don’t feel either of these were conscious thoughts on my part – more a subconscious pull which my rational thoughts (and intuition) should have rescued me from. My thoughts indeed should have reminded me “I do not know this man well.” Maybe I am more prone to that hormonal high than some. I have also been whatever the opposite of emotionally unavailable is – emotionally overavailable, as my closest friends have pointed out. Which has made me a sucker at times.
The Future Faker – well, we’d met through work contact months before we went out – chemistry and rapport had already been established. By the time we went out, he came on SO strong like “you are just what I’ve been looking for”, on and on…..and he seemed to be what I was looking for too. So it didn’t happen as fast as meeting a stranger at a club.
So – combination of hormones and hopefulness, I suppose. My logical mind needs to rein me in and slow me down, and I pledge to do this going forward. I am indeed an optimist to a fault, and one who has trusted and believed words too soon.
Broad,
My ex also said he loved me within a short period of time. Thankfully, we now know that true love progresses over time, not within a few weeks. Huge red flag.!!!! I now know to run for the hills if someone is trying to fast forward the relationship.
I don’t think you were “emotionally over available,” actually the opposite, as you readily opened yourself up to some shady characters. If you were EA, you would have kicked them to the curb -been there, done that.
Natalie, what would we do without you.
I mentioned in the previous post that the AC texted me after 5 months of him doing NC on me for what reason I will probably never know. I acted out of curiosity and texted him back, then the texting was back and forth for two days, he then emailed me at work, nothing heavy just “how’s your day, what’s for lunch” etc. I’m aware that this guy is an EUM but I stupidly carried on with this as I secretly hoped that he thought he might have made a mistake and would offer some kind of apology or explanation. More fool me. The texting and emailing has now stopped as it came to a natural end he hasn’t mentioned his disappearing act and I haven’t either. I noticed yesterday that he viewed my online dating profile (which finally expires in 2 weeks time). The reason he viewed it was so that he could delete me!
My main point is that whilst we were communicating for those few days I started over thinking, fantasising, hoping, running the whole relationship through my head and hanging on to the illusion that he was the one because the chemistry seemed right and he got back in touch.
Well, I’m so embarrassed because I fell off the wagon and I was doing so well, I wish I had ignored him and the feeling to carry on the silly communication. I’ve now got new pain because I’ve allowed him to sort of reject me again. It doesn’t feel as bad as the first time, but I need to let go of the illusions and stop getting high off the possibilities. He’s really not interested, it hurts but I need to let go (again!). I’m not a crier, but I cried my eyes out this evening because of my own stupidity. Have to admit I felt a tad better afterwards. 🙂
Stephanie, Yes, that darn eternal hope springing eternal – until you really do get that it is not going to happen… You just did a variation of “sucking and seeing” for a very short period of time. Don’t beat yourself up. Be glad you didn’t start seeing and sleeping with him again in an undefined relationship for several months… Yeah, that’s what I did after my AC broke NC after months and I wish he had just disappeared again a few days after that first call.
I let him bust my boundaries again and still hung on because of the chemistry and thinking our many years of history meant something. And, of course, I didn’t want to be alone and fix the gaping holes in my own life.
“If you have acted ‘crazy’, busted up your boundaries, turned a blind eye, and eroded your own values, that’s not out of love – that’s out of a lack of self-love and attempting to trade you for a reward.”
This is exactly what happened during my time as The Other Woman. I went against every fiber of my being – my core values and beliefs – all because I felt validated by the attention of a man who was married.
Self-love is priceless, and something I still struggle with today; thank you for helping me along my personal journey to find it.
Hugs from California,
Christine
xxoo
Too true. Thank you. While I still have a ways to be truly separated from the MM, we are no longer seeing each other at all, and there are no more lies. Just a stale little e-mail exchange that I still fall prey to. Ending the sex, the dishonesty, and the lack of respect that I had for my own time and schedule, has given be back a sense of integrity, which on most days, trumps how bad it still feels to “lose” him. Ha. Never had him in the first place… I was robbing Peter to give to Paul the whole time I was in this “relationship.” what a great post to read today. (I was just going to write MM, but thought that I would check in here first to get my fortitude to keep up NC. Its worked).
I am loving this post as it speaks volumes to me. Something I am finally realizing in therapy and about myself. I’m starting to realize what it is that I want and all this time I was lying to myself about it. Bad enough is living in denial and with a liar, worse that you’re staring at the person in the mirror.
Thanks Nat!
When you have never been loved or you never mattered to anyone it is so easy to think you feel love when these AC’s spin their web and f— with your mind. That’s just what happened to me. But I think my situation is a little different because if it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have the freedom I have right now, a beautiful apartment and, finally, I wouldn’t have the hope I feel that my life some day will change for the better and I am so grateful to him even though I know I am nothing to him. He has no idea how he changed my life and probably never will, but I just can’t hate him , believe me I’ve tried. I think that is why I am finding it so hard to let go. Through him I finally found the strength to get out of the hell I have been living my whole life. Would I change it – no. But I paid dearly – I paid with my heart.
Thank you Natalie!!!!!
I am speechless; this was my post; the last puzzle piece.
All things considered, I’m all “thought-out”; there isn’t anything else left for me to think about…. I think I just got STUCK trying to get my life off of the ground, which is a struggle for me, and that is “What I’m avoiding.”
I imagine I could run around in some more “thinking” circles, but I can see that I will just end up in the same place…again (eeww, I’ve been here before).
This is my life; it’s my responsibility to make it whatever it is going to be: “Am I in, or am I out?”
I’m in! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Much LOVE!
“Fact is, people don’t automatically know what you want to hear, but they soon find out by your receptiveness and then they know which tune to play. It doesn’t mean you’re ‘soul mates’.”
True story Nat! After I’d been NC for some time, it had occured to me that the bs promises my ex came back with were exactly what I’d torn him a new one over when I’d told him to take a hike on the second to last go-around (Please note that the mere fact of having the phrase “second to last go-around” associated with your relationship means that it wasn’t/ain’t love. For serious.).
Ladies, don’t go down the following road until you know who you’re dealing with:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syOK6zmpOe0
If you get “caught out” by someone and their future faking, that’s not love gone wrong. That’s, for lack of a better term, an epic heap of bullshit.
It’s not totally relevant to this post, but I know about how I would read through the comments on my bad days to try and process/distract from my NC misery, hopeful for success stories, so I thought I’d post this for everyone hurting.
I finally turned the corner. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel!
It’s been about 3.5 months since breakup of 2 year long hijinks with AC, with spotty NC for 2.5 months of that. I finally got serious and made not NC a priority, but getting on with life. NC is a PART of that process.
And in the last week, I had my a-ha moments… A ha, I’m not obsessing over his stupid ass, A ha, I’m laughing and smiling and I feel no more yearning or sense of loss.
I’m not “done,” I know full well the journey of the discovery of my self worth has just begun, but it no longer feels like I’m dragging my feet. I’m having fun! I don’t think I’m ready to date, but I can truly honestly say that I don’t care about dating right now. That is probably a first for me since I knew about getting attention from boys.
Don’t give up. NC is so worth it. I had all those nihilistic thoughts you’re thinking. The only thing that is pointless is trying to make a frog into a prince. YOUR journey is so so worth it. Have heart! Keep going!
…so many readers who are stuck, do their very best to avoid considering some far more obvious reasons why the relationship wasn’t going to be what they thought it was, regardless.
Natalie, how many times have you and the BR ladies chastised me over the last months? “Alcoholic, exit stage left, code red,” yet strangely I go on about him like he’s just a “garden variety,” uninterested EUM.
It doesn’t matter that he reeled me in by telling me that he “wanted to settle down” and asked me if I was in love with him (!). The topline is he’s an alcoholic and too messed up to have a relationship. I’m “in love” with the fantasy of how wonderful he could be if he didn’t drink, but that person doesn’t frickin’ exist. I’ve been crying for three days just at the thought of his return and experiencing the rejection all over again.
My God, I must stop this MADNESS and pull myself together!
Thanks for the great post.
Hey Blueberry, as one of the ladies who regularly chastises you about this(only because I’ve been there and you are worth more..)
I feel your pain about the fantasy and have also succumbed in the past to how well he can set up that fantasy and pad it out and make you think you smell the roses.
But nope, there are no roses in Alkie ville.
Tell yourself that he may not even remember what he has told you.
I cried many times about the’return’ and then cried all over again when the return melted into rubbish and thwarted promises and bullshit.
Focus on that topline. You identify it and know it in your heart. Wish him well from a suitable distance and hope that he finds an answer,above all, remember you are spot on to suggest that while he is in the grip of addiction, for you, he can’t exist.Alkies are Cardinal Red Blueberry. Hope you feel better soon, positive thoughts are with you.
I wondered if I “loved” the exAC. Near the end of our time together I found myself hinting to him that I loved him, but I think it was just my desperate attempt to get him to see he should treat me better.
Then I embarked on this whole self-love journey, largely due to BR and ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). I’m still learning to distinguish the feelings of longing, of wanting out of my panic-filled life, of going gaga for guys who seem to validate me, from true love.
I am still resisting (though less and less) that the person who can give me the feeling of rescue I was so searching for is me – greying, cellulity, acne-scarred and broke nerdy academic girl me / beautiful, healthy, young, first-world, smart, writer researcher woman me – not some broad-shouldered guy in a well-cut suit who reads Naomi Wolf.
Today I failed in loving myself when I ignored that I’d gone over my parking time and came out to a ticket I can’t afford. I succeeded in loving myself when I felt all the doh! feelings without laying into myself with shame. Today I failed in loving myself when I put myself down in front of someone. Today I succeeded in loving myself when I did not beat myself up for binging on chocolate banana bread and pizza, made a menu plan, and got back on the healthy eating wagon. My successes have been more plentiful of late than my failures.
That’s love – the day in day out of caring for something: me and my body and mind being my main something.
I was waiting for self-love to feel like blowing-my-own-mind-with-my-own-fantabulousness. I wanted to be impressed with myself, and impress others along the way. I thought loving me was being infatuated with me, but didn’t know how to do that if I didn’t possess the rock star qualities (and by rock star, I mean that alpha-professional glamour sexy type) that my low-self esteem craved to possess. So I kept trying to be a rock star so I could finally love myself.
It’s funny, to really start to love myself I started by projecting all that rock star stuff back onto me, figuring, hey, I did it for assholes, I might as well do it for myself. I’m great! I’m amazing! I am a beautiful brilliant woman, etc. I am very good at blowing poetic sunshine up my own bum!
But it was more finally starting to do boring-type stuff that was good for me (quitting dope, doing more scheduling, exercise, cooking for myself, flossing(!) etc) the ‘chores’, as stuff I wanted to ignore, but doing it out of joy and care for me, rather than sulky obligation, that helped me turn the corner. Now, how could I ever “love” someone who wasn’t contributing to taking care of me as well as I take care of myself, and who I contribute to his care of himself?
I wrote a long post the other night – that I inadvertently deleted – about these two profs that my friend and I came to realize were these gems of stability, patience, and mentorship. These profs have ‘loved’ us by supporting us calmly and consistently, by responding to emails on time, by doing what they said they would do, etc. We eventually realized how much we love them as profs, and how we didn’t see their value when we were focussed on the glam/prestige brokers.
I look back and I totally get it, why I was so focussed on the ex, so panicked to try and secure his attention. I totally get why it was excruciating to let that go. But that wasn’t love!
Honestly, love is way more boring. But so much more satisfying.
This comment is really beautiful Magnolia; It really resonates with me.
Hugs,
Sugar
Magnolia, Love is more boring then anxiety, yes, but worth it. Women who are married and in healthy relationships don’t date jerks or ACs or hot looking players, they date average guys that don’t leave. If you want some one to rely on, a man who is much less probable to leave, we can ALWAYS do what other long time married women do. Most of my married friends that are treated the best have husbands much older- think of the celebrities we both know- (Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas/Celine Dion & Rene) Or, the husband is less attractive/accomplised (or both!) Those girls didn’t chance their arm with a Player, or any one who would leave. I used to think this was cowardice- a sucker punch “they set their goals so low that they are all achievable” But, No more love the hard way. Time to try some thing easy. read away
;http://jezebel.com/5857933/insecurity-invisibility-and-the-reason-older-men-want-to-date-you
Anon
Nah, I’m not buying it.
I think it’s questionable to describe men who aren’t jerks or players as “average” as though jerks and players are more of a catch. And many of us have been caught out by “average” and older.
And I don’t think Michael Douglas is with CZJ because he’s too old to find someone better. I think he loves her.
And I hate those age-obsessed surveys.Though I should point out I didn’t read it.
The other day I saw two of the residents of my mother’s nursing home holding hands. YAY!
Anon, your comment reminds me of that movie where a father tells his son, “Son, pick your wife like you’d pick your furniture. You want something comfortable and nice to look at, but not so beautiful that everyone who sees it wants to steal it.”
There’s the idea that picking someone that’s less of a hot item than you are is safer, but really, it’s not. I chose an older man and tried to boost my confidence in the relationship with exactly the idea you suggest, but him wanting to keep me around because I soothed his ego did not mean he was good for me to be around.
My point about boring was just, as someone else said before, if there is anxiety, flush! Any time you’re in a situation where you feel a guy is so much better than you or such a “catch” that you’re bound to lose him to someone else, it’s a sign to back off. It could be you’re with a player, or it could be that you expect “love” to have that feeling of trying to keep diamond dust from slipping through your fingers. In that case, you could create that anxiety even with someone solid, or “average.”
If you expect love to feel like being blown away by the amazingness all the time, then you might miss that when you have low self-esteem and low self-love, any Tom, Dick or José paying you a bit of charm and attention will blow you away and therefore read as your being in love.
Once you know that love is about consistency, care, honesty, conscientiousness, gentleness, and being able to handle the boring times, then you can look for it and accept it in whatever package comes, even if the package is handsome and within a couple years of your own age.
Anon,
My ex was older and not attractive, but he was a colossal jerk!!! I don’t think you have to date unattractive or older guys to find a good relationship, you need to find men who are emotionally healthy.
I fell into the trap thinking that if I dated someone less attractive/accomplished that they would never leave me because they would regard me as a huge “catch”. My ex-fiancé gushed about how far I was out of his league and how he didn’t deserve me; and he constantly needed reassurance from me that I wasn’t “settling” by being with him. For nine months he treated me better than I have ever been treated before in my life: flowers every week, extravagant trips, massages every weekend, love-letters practically every day….and then the shit hit the fan. I found out he had been lying about something and I blew a gasket. After that, I couldn’t even get him to initiate a text message.
But even if that hadn’t happened, eventually the relationship would have imploded. IMBALANCED RELATIONSHIPS ARE DOOMED FROM THE START. My fiance eventually began to resent me, and honestly, I can completely understand why. I didn’t ask to be worshiped, but I wasn’t complaining either. Pursuing the goal that “I’m going to find an older, unattractive, *boring* guy so that I can be assured that he will never leave me” is a bad idea. You’re only setting yourself up for failure, and I can tell you from personal experience that a fall from a pedestal is harder and much more painful than your average break-up. Wait a second…YOU don’t want ME? Wow…I must be more unlovable than I thought.
Compatibility is paramount. As is maturity and a healthy level of self-esteem. Obviously neither my exfiancé nor I had either.
Thanks for this post & all the post.
I am in a long distance relationship with a divorced man with a kid for over a year now. We started our relationship slow & steady and we have talked about future and so on. Beginning this year i found out that he’s EUM after reading all the posts here. I saw all the signs and i was in a denial state. He did the disappearing acts and then resurface again. When i asked him where did he go, he said he’s too busy with work and his son and no other excuses. So what’s the difference with this year & last year? There are times i saw him on facebook but no time to say a Hello to me? He only want to chat whenever he has a sexual agenda on his mind and not interested in talking about other stuffs. After the deed is done, he’s back to more excuses saying he’s tired and he wants to sleep and bla bla bla and cut me off when i want to chat further.
I have enough of that shits, so i wrote him an email instead and he took 1 week to reply back to me. He has changed his tune saying he enjoyed my company and he don’t know what he wants to do in the long run about us. He explained that sometimes he will chat for days and days or not chatting at all or he goes quiet. He gives me choices if i want to walk out, i can do so and he has no control over it.
I felt i am a rebound to him. He used me to fill the void in his life last year. Now that he’s back on track, he decided he doesn’t need me anymore and giving me choices. He wants to keep me at his beck and calls. Despite all this hurts, i still love him and i am deciding whether to end it or not?
Sunshine
Are you putting yourself on hold for some FB chat and emails? Don’t do that. I don’t doubt you have a lot of feelings, strong ones, but you can’t love someone via FB chat and emails.
It’s like mountaineering by reading guidebooks and planning the trip, but never actually going there. Are your really mountaineering or pretending to? You can imagine the experience, you can plan it, you can visualise it, how great it is, the sense of achievement, the comraderie with your mountaineering buddy but you’re not … doing it. If you threw all the guidebooks away, have you lost your montaineering trip that you were never on? If you stopped emailing and FB-chatting, what would you lose?
You do stand to gain a hell of a lot of time, though, and space for better things.
Thanks for the reply, Grace.
I am definitely not putting myself on hold . He doesn’t want to go on skype to have that chat with me. He’s afraid to hear what i have to say and doesn’t even dared to look me in the eyes when i have that serious talk with him. The last resort is via email. He’s such a coward who doesn’t want to admit it’s his mistake to mislead me from the beginning. I have already decided to go NC on him. He’s just not worth my time anymore. I deserved the best.
Sunshine, my heart goes out to you. End it and then cut it off with this clown. You are being managed by e-mail! I think a relationship with a cardboard cutout would offer more benefits.
Fantasy relationships have four elements:
1. Distance (in either space and or time)
2. An excuse to moderate the contact supply (if only)
3. Crumb communication
4. FAILURE OF THE TOUCH TEST – can’t physically touch them for 3 times a week on different days
Another amazing post that just hits home! Just recently, I’ve been pondering about my attachment to my sociopath ex and wondered why I still thought about him from time to time — despite having broken up with him 3 years ago (he did continue to stalk me and harrass me until last year) and now having a wonderful fiance and being so happy in my current relationship.
Our 4-year relationship was intense; extreme highs (I thought I found love) and extreme lows (lying, cheating, future-faking…) and I had thought that I had found my ‘soulmate’. At the time, I believed those ‘deep’ feelings meant that we loved each other and were meant to be. I still can’t figure out why I still think about him occasionally when he had mentally and emotionally abused me.
Could it be because he was my first? Or was it because I went through so much trauma in our 4 years together? I don’t think about him in the way that I miss him, or that I want to get back together or anything of the sort. Just that sometimes I remember the things that he does. Or says. Or certain mannerisms and how I felt at the time. Is this normal? Or is it because I believed that I wouldn’t feel, be or act in a certain way unless it was love?
I love and am 100% committed to my fiance and he really is, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think I just feel confused about sometimes remembering someone who now has no more impact or effect on me and my life. :S
and I had thought that I had found my ‘soulmate’
Every time I see the word ‘soulmate’ I feel sick. Social conditioning and media influence / social psychology at work here. Why is it that it is drummed into us that ‘true love’ is where you and your partner are physically inseparable and unable to function independently on their own? It’s like using the other person as life support – and then when something goes wrong / they pull BS we act as if life support is going to be cut.
You feel confused, in part, because you appear to be using trauma/drama/marathons with an assclown and their trials/validation odyssey as a proxy measure of how true/authentic/amazing your love could have been. It is like going to a well, and not just any well, but the special assclown one up a mountain guarded by lions and impenetrable jungle thorn plants, putting the bucket down and getting a few drops…
I agree, I don’t like the use of the word ‘soulmate’ — but I guess I had hoped that it would pertain to something like, ‘someone whom I could see myself being with for the rest of my life’ kind of thing.
That last comment was rather insightful and creative. I like it. And… thanks for the feedback.
Limerence. Limerence, limerence, limerence. Or if you prefer Bryan Ferry, ‘Love is the drug’.
I plan to spend today counting my blessings.
Dear Natalie,
I discovered your wonderful blog about a year and a half ago, when I broke up with a very much younger, very sweet, very sensitive musician/writer, and very unavailable man. I had known for a little while that my (cough) ‘relationships’ weren’t working out because I was the commitment-phobe – I deliberately pursued situations with an escape clause.
Here comes the funny part – I was, however, very much emotionally invested in Sweet Young Thing for about five-and-a-half fucking years!!! We had one of those magical, ethereal, ‘as beautiful and as fragile as a butterfly’s wing’ and yet unconsummated affairs (for 4 weeks!) about a year and a half after we met. He broke it off, promising we would ‘catch up again’ (yep). I was ab.solutely.shattered. (I’m working very hard to contain my laughter here). I felt as though the gods were punishing me, that an evil wind carried away my beautiful butterfly – and – I decided that I was going to wait patiently for him to catch up with me again (hmmm). Because it was LOVE! I had never felt so light and beautiful, never felt a kiss so exquisite (no sex remember!), a touch so touching (holding hands, stroking faces – dear oh dear!). I was not going to let him go – ever!
Well now, this is just sad – I got very sick (touches back of hand to forehead and emits a tiny sigh) for a couple of years (with an autoimmune illness actually, my body just collapsed. It was some time in progress due to unremitting life-stresses, but the end of ‘the greatest love of all’ – pffft! – sent it over the edge). I saw SYT at work sometimes and we remained friends after I had to quit (illness!). Yep, not letting him go! My heart broke anew with news of a girlfriend (asshole!), but still not letting go! Thing was, he wasn’t letting me go either. He would visit and the goodbye would always entail a squeeze of the hand, a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek – all of course signs of his, of our ‘undying love’ (bwah!).
Nearly 3 years after the ‘breakup’, SYT and I were finally in the same place. We were both still very much interested in seeing each other, erm ‘available’, and ready to be together. This is laughable now because we never really were ‘together’. He’d come to my house, we’d cook and eat, go and listen to some ‘really cool’ music we were both into, make out on the couch a bit and then go to…
Dear Natalie,
I am so happy I have found this site! I broke up with a MM 2 month ago after a year relationships – long distance, different countries issues on top of him being married.
“Fact is, people don’t automatically know what you want to hear, but they soon find out by your receptiveness and then they know which tune to play. It doesn’t mean you’re ‘soul mates’.” – It would never come to my mind but that is so true. Especially when a man is smart, experienced, 15 years older than you and VERY charming. You’re my princess, my sunshine, I love you THAT much. I melted like snow in the sun, and would jump from a skyscraper if he asked me to.
“Sometimes being high on the possibilities is about grabbing an opportunity to escape a life that you’re not happy with. Sometimes being miserable after the breakup, is about your relationship with you and often being angry at having to return to a life you don’t want.” So true. I was sort of depressed after a break up when I met my MM. I immediately got the “butterflies” and at the same time I felt how WRONG and IMPOSSIBLE it was to have him. But the butterflies took control over my mind. He always pictured himself as a very honest, open and nice guy. I bought it! I believed he would move mountains for me up to the last moment when I found a legal way for us 2 to stay together in his country (he told that me that yes, he wants to divorce but his wife doesn’t and he has to wait at least 3 years, and up to 6 in the worst case). Once I found a cheap, legal, simple way to move while he is getting his divorce – he immediately found himself in poor circumstances, having no other choice but getting back home to his wife and kids for the sake and health of the kids. Pretty grown ones btw…
Anyway, I still feel shitty and still keep on getting back and overthinking BUT this blog helps me A LOT to deal with this.
When I decided to break off my relationship with the ex AC it all came down to the reality that I would not be feeling as shitty and at times so outraged that I wanted to break pieces of furniture (hehe), I would not be crying everyday and nervous (in a bad way) in his presence to the point where I would be shaking like a leaf..I realised that that wasn’t love nor the way I wanted to live my life and it certainly was not the way that I wanted to feel about someone…I actually felt intimidated by him by the end.
A lot of my anger came from the busting of my own boundaries…that I let him have his way with almost everything in the beginning just to keep him happy and make him like me. I made so many sacrifices..I even sacrificed a number of things that were very important to me just so we could have a chance at working. Soon I just grew resentful but by the time I started to *really* assert boundaries it was too late…I was too angry and felt taken advantage of..and he had already gotten used to things being his way.
I was so miserable after we broke up for a long time..embarrassed, ashamed and I missed him. But of course I would he was a part of my life and as a girl with some issues relating to people leaving..it was inevitable that it would hit me hard. But I stuck to my guns because it wasn’t love..it was an unhealthy, semi-abusive situation that was breaking my spirit. Misery does not equal love. As NML would say pain is not love, it’s just pain.
I have been doing major work on myself for the past 12 mths, thanks to this blog and Nat’s books & people’s comments, it has ended up very rewarding. But, I’ve come to a point where I’ve lost enthusiasm. After NC & stripping off the rose tinted glasses I have come to see dating as a bit…ho-hum. If I have sparks (read: lust) I look at the guy honestly & see code amber or red behaviours (which is fantastic as I can flush early & not feel upset by it!) & the ones that are good on paper…kinda are missing ‘something’. I’ve read the blogs on chemistry & zsa zsa zu feeling & believe I’ve really overcome this obstacle that I once placed in my way.
I was wondering if others had felt this lull in their adventure. If this was a ‘normal’ plateau before entering/finding a healthy partnership? And if so, any tips or Nat’s blogs I may have missed that one can suggest to prevent me getting stuck in the rut of non-enthusiasm & negativity. It’s as if, with the shedding of my fur coat of denial, I have stripped myself of ‘romance’ & ‘magic’. Just thought it was relevant when reading this post…:)
Hi Juzz,
I’ve experienced this lull before and it did happen before I met my fiance. I still think dating can be very ‘blah’ but I actually took a break. I consciously avoided dating anyone for months and instead, immersed myself into work, social functions and catching up with friends. When I had agreed to meet up with my current fiance for a meal, I told him that it wasn’t a date and for me, it was just to get to know people. And with those guys that seem good on paper but seem to have something missing. I would give them some time and try to find out about them, it might be a pleasant surprise. Hope that helps!
Thanks, Natalie.
I love this post and most of the comments! I am quite new here, but I am so glad I found this site! It already helped me very very very much 🙂
I try to read everything that was ever published here … and still do some work at work 🙂
This post speaks to me loudly. I am finally able to see “my side of the road” for what it is rather than just whining “oh, he left me… cheated on me … doesn’t contact me … why why why” … we all know this.
This is not blaming myself for everything. I am past this stage already. This is helping me to see that I have some problems inside myself. Definitely a low self-esteem and a lack of self-love. I tend to “fall in love” with anyone who shows a little interest in me and then get used … literally sucked dry … as I want to please everyone esp. people I love / like. Jumping through their hoops, making their lives more important to me than my own, being always available, ready to help even when the least convenient for me, etc etc etc.
Suddenly, I feel so tired of this and want to change it. Finally. Hope I am on a good way as I can start now when the problems are identified (???)
It is not all about them being mean to us, cheating on us, leaving us, using us… We allowed them to do this. We participated in this for God knows how long. I even borrowed a lot of money to him even when I was in financial troubles myself (I thought: I love him and I would do anything for him.) How come I loved him more than myself? Don’t know. But I am not anymore.
90 days of NC today … drinking celebratory glass of wine as I write this.
So, sorry for all the typos and errors … It is the wine talking 🙂
Kisses from Prague everyone 🙂
Congrats on your 90 days! You’re right to reward yourself : ) Instead of beating myself up about all my mistakes, perhaps I should focus on providing myself with little incentives along the way….Enjoy beautiful Prague!
Thanks so much, Laurie! Rewards are necessary indeed 🙂 When I reach 120 days I am gonna get some nice shoes 🙂 Cant wait! Best wishes 🙂
Luckystar, well done, congratulations:-) I loved when you said in your comment: “We allowed them to do this”… Yes, exactly! I still allow AC to contact me, even I do not feel comfortable and do not want him in my life!!! Somehow I have a “soft spot” for him, it is just crazy, as I never allowed anyone to treat me poorly:-( You are my inspiration!
OMG Nat, how spot on you are. When, in the course of my life, did I start to believe that whatever this craziness with the EUM is, it’s called LOVE? He was absolutely right to hesitate saying “I love you”. I think at some point I thought if he would just say it, then things would magically be as they are supposed to be when there’s love… but you know what happened? I just got more disillusioned, since now he said “but I love you too”, and it didn’t make anything better. And he didn’t. Love. Me.
That’s my great revelation over the weekend. That he never loved me. I really thought he did, because I really thought I did (still do, but maybe time will prove me wrong), and I could not make a distinction between my emotional reality and his. This sounds so naive now that I type it, but I really never even considered that he did not love me back. It often didn’t feel like he did, but I made excuses and decided to believe him when he said he was still just a novice in relationships. Oh, it’s difficult for him, I must understand him. Oh, that must mean he is learning, growing, changing.
I feel like calling him every minute of every hour of every day. But I keep my thoughts firmly fixated on the wisdom of this site and on that tiny bit of weird hope turned inside-out: that he didn’t love me, so all I’m letting go of is a fantasy, nothing real. Can’t be so hard to let go of a fantasy.
“Sometimes being high on the possibilities is about grabbing an opportunity to escape a life that you’re not happy with. Sometimes being miserable after the breakup, is about your relationship with you and often being angry at having to return to a life you don’t want.”
Thanks, Nat, that’s another powerful beam of a gazillion candle power from your lighthouse, a flash that boiled down the reason for my engaging once in a folly of “having found THE ONE” regardless of his response. IT JUST HAD TO BE HIM!!! Nothing and no one could deviate me from “my love” , I felt heroic, as otherwise I would have had to confront my own misery, its roots and it would have called me to action of which I was deeply scared at that time and unprepared in dealing with it. So HE was a perfect hole to hide.
Though my folly lies far in the past, I wasted A LOT OF YEARS over that man avoiding myself. When I read your posts it’s mostly with this situation in mind that I finally get closure over the painfully repeated questions of “Why am I not loved back?” and “Why me, haven’t I suffered enough with my father?”. Your explanations and the wisdom therein set my mind at peace, finally.
Having said this, even after years loads of feelings of shame and anger about me and the “injustice” for not knowing better kept popping up and I owe a special thank you to a reader who posted a link to Brené Brown about shame the other day. It meant a lot to me.
Nat, your site is a fast moving one, I am “snailing” alongside, nevertheless you, like a lighthouse, have beamed me home. I am busy repairing my broken windows, raising the worth of my property and doing such basic things as breathing in new ways which amongst other tools and activities let me feel more and more comfortable in my body and with myself.
As a former panic sufferer from childhood onwards – and you know how awfully an experience THAT is – I slowly recover. Let me beam out another heartfelt THANKYOU in return! 😀
Great post Nat. I thought long and hard about the difference between taking a ‘time out’ and being stuck ruminating over a man, both of which I have done. With my recent breakup, which was a good deal for me even though it hurts, I noticed that maybe this time I dont need a time out. And I’m going to be vigilant on the ruminating. Not only that but I was approached by two men this weekend just for a conversation and it gave me hope that this time I wont be knocked out of the game so to speak. One of the men works in my building and I’m sure I’ll see him again. Not only that but I travel for a living and have the opportunity to meet lots of men in the state in which I live so heres to new possibilities.
I think my case is different in the sense that my ex-fiancé really did love me and I loved him. I think this is why I am struggling so much in letting go (that and I keep breaking NC like an idiot). It hurts because he knew how vulnerable I was having just come out of a divorce, and he made all these promises to never hurt me, never leave me, and never stop loving me. And for nine months, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that he meant every word. He was thoughtful, attentive, and loving.
When I found out that he had been lying to me about something for quite an extended period of time, I lost it and broke off the engagement. I know that devastated him, and things were never the same after that. I recognize that I drove him away by becoming suspicious and paranoid. It’s not helpful, but I keep going back to that moment and thinking if I weren’t so emotional, we would still be engaged and probably married by now. It sucks thinking that I ruined all that.
I feel like the oldest 27-year-old in the world, and panic has started to seep in. I should be married by now! I am starting to lose hope that I’ll ever find someone with whom I can make it “stick”. I can’t keep going through broken marriages and engagements the rest of my life. The disappointment and regret is debilitating.
Sorry for the rant. Today has just been a particularly hard day 🙁
Laurie, I’ve been following your last few comments, suspecting that the absence was due to going back to him. I am sorry that you are clearly still in so much pain. I’ve tried to avoid saying anything, because honestly, I’m not entirely convinced that you’re at the point where you are interested in listening yet. I understand that feeling but the truth is, until you’re ready to stop acting like you know it all and that you know best, when the results show that you don’t, you are going to continue allowing your ego to rule and continue throwing yourself back in the front line of pain.
When faced with the choice between grieving the loss of your marriage and addressing the discoveries you would have made during the process that would have helped you to forge better relationships, you opted for a new relationship where you were quickly engaged. Unless you thought you had no part in why your previous marriage ended and nothing new to learn, you have effectively ended up avoiding what would be some very positive lessons that you could have carried forward.
If you were that vulnerable and having to wear it and even negotiate with it, you were clearly not ready to date.
You’re not a victim – you had a hand in choosing to be in the relationship with him. He also had no business making a promise he couldn’t keep and you had no business expecting him to make it. It is completely unrealistic to enter into a relationship without expecting to experience ups and downs, or even getting hurt at times. That’s in every relationship, the healthy and the unhealthy ones.
You have been married before Laurie. That means you have already reached your goal of being married. The trouble is that you are not putting enough consideration into what determines your choice to marry or learning anything from the breakups. You have decided that Laurie must be married – end of. Now I hear from readers who have a few decades on you. One reader was in her fifties and trying to squeeze out a fourth marriage. “I need to be married!” she insisted and couldn’t understand why he hadn’t proposed as quickly as she would like. Here is the thing: if you’ve been divorced before, isn’t that a sign in itself that you might want to put some more consideration into the marriages you make and take the appropriate time?
Laurie, if you’re that worried about having a broken marriage, it surprises me that you would still be pushing to marry someone from a relationship that keeps breaking. That makes no sense.
I don’t know who put a marriage firework up you, but remember that pride and stubbornness come before a fall. You are more concerned with being married than you are with 1) being an authentic person with good self-esteem living in line with her values and 2) basing a marriage on the foundation of a healthy relationship.
I think you are being somewhat economical with the truth. You are the ‘I hate porn, it’s wrong, and I work with women who are victims of the sex-trafficking industry’ woman – but you were engaged to someone who you discovered was using and lying about porn on computer that you’d given him and who had huge rage issues, which you only decided to mention after the whole porn conversation spiraled on here. And that’s before I even mention the lack of J.O.B and you basically ‘keeping him’. I even said to you then – be careful of denial Laurie and yet here you are.
You can’t understand where it went wrong with a sure bet – you provided everything and all he had to do was adore you and promise not to hurt you. That’s not much of a relationship – you have the reins, all he has to do is show up, love, and behave himself. Which he didn’t.
I suspect that you need to take the time to see a therapist and go through grief counseling for your first marriage, you know, the one that you are avoiding. I would also sit down with someone to address where your thirst for marriage comes from, address your self-esteem, and get your values in order. You have strong marriage values without the ethic – it takes more than ‘love’ and it also takes reality, and until you are willing to be in it, I would avoid making a marriage or even a relationship.
I would also stop hanging your denial coat on the “It’s that one thing I did” hook. If you think your relationship fell down because you were ‘over emotional’ about porn use, you have much to discover about your relationship. To absorb all of the blame is to be a perfectionist – you either hog all the blame or take none of it, which causes you to lie and effectively erase out the other person. Doesn’t he matter in this? Didn’t he contribute to the relationship? And maybe there is something in that to explore further, because people who have a lot of the control in an imbalanced relationship, often do take all of the blame because the other person didn’t truly factor.
I hope Laurie that you get the help that you need because you are greater than the experiences that you’re giving yourself. You are selling yourself short again and again and again, when really, there is no need to. I get the impression that within you is this really great, woman – but you don’t really see that yet. But you will. When you’re ready.
I would also stop hanging your denial coat on the “It’s that one thing I did” hook.
So true. So true. How many of us have been on the ‘it was the ONE THING that *I* did self blame/self-flaggelation’ hook. OR even worse, the assclown tells US that it was ONE THING we could have done that brought everything crashing down.
I think this can also work the other way. Blaming them for doing one thing that wrecks everything keeps you wearing the fur coat and rosy specs and not recognising the whole relationship for what it is and your part in it.
Thanks so much for that, Natalie. I actually cried a little at the end like a huge dork : ) And I appreciate you not coming after me a la Jack Nicholson, “you can’t handle the truth” even though I’ve so often demonstrated that I’m not yet ready to put both feet in reality. It was very generous of you to respond, and I truly am taking your words to heart.
I am seeing a counselor tomorrow, and I honestly don’t know where I would be without the insight on BR. As bad as it’s been, it could have been a hell of a lot worse. After my divorce I felt so much like a failure, and I think I’ve been banging my head against the wall with this relationship because I felt like I couldn’t fail once again. Clearly I have some things to work through.
On a brighter note, it is so encouraging to read stories on here of women who have been able to develop a healthier sense of self and are making better relationship choices. Gives me some hope.
Another Great Article! Love You Natalie!
Sandra M. Brown, a woman who writes about recovering from Psychopaths advises that:
Good and Bad memories are stored in our brains differently. In brief, our brain makes it easier for us to forget the bad memories,,, and to keep pulling up the good memories to the front of our thoughts.
So, a good method is to Consiously and Purposely chase out a good memory of him. Replace that thought immediately with a bad though of him – and even better when you can do it: replace all thoughts of him and direct your thinking to YOU and what you are doing, or what you are thankful… This will help you get on with your own happiness and life quicker…. than if you dwell on the negative… and stay stuck.
PS: Cardio/Treadmill/Walking rapidly for 30 minutes in the morning WILL chase away obsessive thinking! I’m still going to gym at 5:30am each workday morning… Results are Absolutely POSITIVE!
Thanks Natalie! PS: I’m going to Hawaii soon & buying the cutest Summer clothes and things for my trip!!!! Yay me. A celebration! I am not heartbroken!
AngelFace
Great advice about the exercise. Have a wonderful trip to Hawaii.
I went NC in late November after 4 years of an AC EUM. The gym has been my saviour, dragging my depressed arse to the treadmill every morning got me into my place of work with some sort of mask of positivity that has grown into a real one over these last few months.
And the results? Amazing. I have abandoned 6 kilos of comfort eating, toned up all over and my energy has soared. The obsessing has dropped away. I go to bed early so I can get exercise before work and alongside NC and reading BR it has been the best thing that I have done for ME for years. Although I’ve met 2 future faker ACs recently I’ve been able to flush by having a couple of days (not YEARS) of obsessing, absorbing and processing and then back into the gym to pound my feet on the memories.
I am 47 and I can’t wait to wear a swimsuit this summer.
Hooray! I’ve just joined a gym. Next step is going to be Making Myself Go when I’ve got the time.
Great post.
For me, there’s a lot of truth here but it’s not the whole truth.
My particular AC definitely had so many great qualities and even up to the end he contributed some of the things I really want in a relationship. I’ve come to see those contributions as a form of intermittent reinforcement. Coming off the confusion of this relationship, it was an agony of trying to see the forest for the trees.
At the end of the day, the good stuff couldn’t “make up for” the bad stuff. It has taken me some time, but I feel like I’ve finally sorted it out and more importantly *accepted* the fact there are certain actions and in-actions that are too bad to ever make up for the good. There’s nothing to be done about it except to move on, even in the face of his continuing attempts to re-engage. I’ve finally come to understand that there’s simply nothing left to be said. It was an unhealthy attachment, as Natalie describes in this post, and it’s as much recovery from the destruction of the dream as it is recovery from emotional abuse.
I’m committed to NC. It has been a godsend for clarity; It’s time to move on with my own life and leave him to his without me in it.
Anerak, Your comment about sums it up for me and probably many others here. I have thought about random intermittent reinforcement research many times and the known insidious addictive and irrational behavioral consequences. It is hard to reconcile the evidence of the good with feeling so bad. I think Natalie hits the nail with her on-going message that if it doesn’t feel good to YOU in the context of the relationship, it doesn’t matter. My relationship spanned several years and, therefore, so did my learned response but I do not have to continue to participating in this sick experiment!
I do think that it is hard to separate the “good” in someone from the feelings of emotional abuse and to believe one’s own instincts. I knew I was being subjected to emotional abuse but kept looking at his other actions and my intermittent pleasure that seemed to counter that interpretation. I wanted it to be something different than what it was and struggled for so long but finally see that any instance of abuse trumps all the other “good” stuff in spades. I no longer want to be generous with myself to anyone who could be OK with hurting me, even if they have qualities I enjoy and are generous to me in other ways. I kept rationalizing to keep the “good” and discount the bad but only ended up participating in my own disrespect and unhappiness. Over and over again, no less… And, losing more of my dignity than I would have if I had trusted my instincts long before.
I’m sure he perceives my final communication as an overreaction but, unlike before when I needed to “fix” it to keep him from disappearing, I hope it does scare him away for good! My last straw really wasn’t anything that terrible in the scheme of what he’s done before and we were seemingly OK recently (managed down expectations anyone?!!), but I just finally got it as you apparently did, too. Accepting the unacceptable – ever – is just not worth it and I deserve better!
I’m NC but I know there are loose ends he will use as an excuse to contact me when he wants… Thank you Natalie for your wisdom and brutal honesty here and in the The No Contact Rule Handbook. You and the other wise people here finally penetrated my resistance and delusions and I will not mistake his contact for anything different or more than it is…
Thanks for this articulate response FX. What you have expressed in your post applies to my situation in so many ways and has really helped me get clear. I too put up with emotional abuse because my EU had qualities that I really enjoyed and at times could also be very kind…VERY confusing!! At the end of the day like you say any form of abuse trumps all the good stuff!
I’m finally getting some distance from this person and each day it feels better and I feel a little bit lighter……
I’m going to start focusing on me and try to get myself back on track!
Anerak & FX
I had a lightbulb moment reading what you both wrote – “random intermittent reinforcement”. I have used this myself to encourage good habits (“Habit Judo”), but wasn’t until now conscious that he did it to me – deliberate or not. I think his thought process would have been – oh been a neglectful, say/do/offer something nice to make up. Eg ignore me without reason or explanation for a period of time, then a one line message saying “am going on a conference to (overseas), will you come with me?”.
In the end I got so tired though, and the underlying pattern was of reducing affection. Why is it that identifying a behaviour or pattern is so helpful? I suppose because if we understand how our emotions have been manipulated then it doesn’t seem so out of my control or irrational. My feelings were not irrational, they were induced by a sequence of behaviours, therefore I can identify in future when someone is manifesting the same behaviour and act accordingly.
Wonderful post.
In a world full of choices we have to make sure they are high level ones with awareness I agree. Low level choices are made when we don’t value ourselves or see ourselves well. The term ‘Fantasy Bonding’ comes to mind where the erosion of the spirit and emotional health crumble from the low level choice that seemed to look like ‘love’. We pick a mate that recreates our childhood pains to keep our delicate image of what we think we are firmly in place albeit at time subconscious. We spend countless hours vowing not to choose the same type of partner and how we are going to do just that. When all the while the answer is within changing the perception of ourselves and believing that high level choices are the only ones we should ever make. Thank you for the many posts on the importance of being strong and living aware.
Love your blog
Angela Hiroshima
Excellent , excellent post! This really resonated within. I , too, am in therapy now to sort out my addiction to men/ my co dependent dynamics with men. This article is going a long way towards understanding myself and towards some healing. Thank you !
YAY!! This was such a great post Natalie. Thank you so much. It really put into perspective exactly whats been nagging at me, each and everytime we broke up over the last three years.
I had a huge A-HA moment yesterday after reading this. I feel so much better knowing what my role in all this has been. I know what to work on now, and I also realize now, that I havent even dealt with the end of the LTR relationship before this AC, that I fled with my kids, because of physical and mental abuse. WOW. I totally jumped into my most recent AC relationship, just to avoid the pain of the OTHER abusive relationship. I had a good cry when I realized this. Then I had a good talk with myself. NO MORE. Ive made mistakes, I have’nt been honest with myself about my role in all this. Its time to stop the insanity!!
Although I havent had MUCH contact with the AC, there has been some. Today was my turning point. I got a new phone number. I erased and wiped my blackberry, I closed my old gmail account and opened a new one. I deleted him from all my contact lists. and i deleted all our letters, and emails, and texts. I went thru my photos, and I deleted all of them from my computer and my life. Then cleaned my computer to make sure they were gone. I dont have facebook or belong to any social networking sites, so there is now absolutley NO WAY that he can contact me with hurtful emails. or texts. or phonecalls. In fact there is no way he could contact me period!!! I took control. For the first time ever in the last 3 years! Ive tried NC before with him during the last breakups, and it was really hard, and I wasnt ready….I didnt delete him from my life at all those times. In fact I made sure to make it easy for him to contact me if he wanted. Its done this time! First day of NC. FIRM, TRUE, REAL NC!!! I feel so happy! Sure, its a little scary. I havent NOT had him in my life for 3 years. But for the first time im looking forward to things,…Easter with my kids. Spring. birds singing in the morning. simple things that I havent enjoyed for a really long time. Like a 1000 pound weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and i can breathe. Im not waiting for him to come up with the next way to hurt me. I stopped it from happening. Im NEVER going back there again. Im taking time now for me. For my kids. To remember who I am, the things I love. Im taking a dating hiatus!
That’s amazing HSN. Stick at it love – be aware that there WILL be times when you want to waiver but they will pass. If you fall off, just remember no harm done if you get right back on again. I really wish you well with this x
Thanks for another brilliant- and brutally honest- post, Natalie. Getting over a breakup is a very common and painful subject, and your breakdown of such a sensitive situation is both chilling and empowering- kind of like pouring an antibiotic on a wound. Deep down you know it’s the ‘right’ and healthy thing to do, even though it makes you flinch and clench your teeth because you know it’s gonna hurt for a little while. It sucks, but it simply can’t be avoided, unless you’re willing to sacrifice yourself to long-term infection just to avoid the immediate sting of the rubbing alcohol (i.e., sticking with a sh*tty bf to avoid the emotional pain of walking away and being alone.) It’s not a brilliant analogy, but what I’m trying to say- and Natalie, I think this is what you’re saying as well- is that it takes strength to face the momentary (but very real, and sometimes very strong) hurt of letting go of another person. Pain does NOT equal love, and in fact, TRUE love shouldn’t ever be described as ‘painful.’ In my opinion, the absence of pain in what should be a committed, loving relationship is the only red flag you need to start running in the other direction. Pain ONLY equals pain, and not a damn thing more. It certainly doesn’t equal love!
“..The absence of pain in what should be a committed, loving relationship is the only red flag you need to start running in the other direction….” Ooops! I meant to say the presence of pain is a red flag. Sorry 😉
Ladies, I havem’t posted on here for a while tho I still read most days. I have learnt some much from this website (or so I thought!) and Natalie. But now I need some guidance/help/a listening ear.
I met a new man back in October. As always I went into it with no expectations, just going with the flow. He was lovely, kind, caring, adoring, attentive, handsome, friendly etc he was everything I’d hoped for. I thought I’d hit jackpot. Everything going swimminingly, booking holidays, a future together, really feeling like finally at 36 I’d found my life mate.
Then all of a sudden this week a complete 360 turnaround – he’s told me we aren’t right for each other, he’d jumped into a relationship too soon & that it is only good when we are together! We just spent this weekend together and so I thought, all was good then I got this bombshell. Am I completely daft? Had I completely read the signs wrong? I feel like my head has been filled with bullshit & future fakery. I’m cross with myself for falling for it but most of all I don’t understand it. Have I been strung along or has he been putting on a oscar winning performance?
Any advice would be so muchly appreciated
xx
Sarah J, it sounds to me like he has panicked. I have heard from countless readers who went to a wedding, had a weekend away, met the family or friends and then boom, they were dropped.
It’s not you. It sounds like his commitment alarm bells are ringing. He’s trying to distance himself. His reason doesn’t even make sense. Often what happens with commitment resistant people is that they will be happy for a time and making plans and then panic and look for any reason to lessen the panic.
My friend’s ex finished it with her every time they had a good time together. Three years of this ridiculousness and she had to call it quits.
It may or may not be a wobble. It depends on whether he has previous form for this or whether other reasons will reveal themselves. Some people are Mr/Miss 6 months. Some get nervous about the responsibility.
Don’t chase him. I don’t think you’ve been a fool. Some people are very good at being so confident in themselves and the relationship, you may not see it coming.
But don’t chase him.
Also I do spot one clear red flag – “too soon” indicates that he is not over his previous relationship but also that it started with you soon after.
Don’t chase him. Let him do his flip flapping on his own time.
nml/Sarah J
“My friend’s ex finished it with her every time they had a good time together”.
When I was at the same party with crushboy, we talked most of the evening, he fetched me stuff, we laughed, we touched (accidentally), I went home and vowed not to speak to him ever again. We’re not even dating and I panicked. When he ran after me on Sunday, he looked confused. I couldn’t get away from him fast enough.
It’s not you Sarah J.
I think its bitter sweet to come to the realization that what one once thought was a clear indication that someone was interested (phone calls, going out, flowers, dates, being told you are beautiful, etc.) now has become a warning of: “Proceed with caution”. I dont know about anyone else but its tiring and scary to go out there, want and think you want to meet a genuine person and come to realize that you might just be dealing with an emotionally unavailable and commitment phobic man. It’s like 3 months isn’t enough time because some of these men can last years and even make it to the alter only for the woman to find out 3 weeks later that he has now panicked and wants out. Its scary to have to be weary of these men because we have to educate ourselves so much (which is empowering and great) but at the same time, I feel like trust is no longer what it used to be. I can’t trust that what a man is saying is true because perhaps he is just a “future faker”. I can’t trust that perhaps he is genuinly interested when he says: I’d like for you to meet my friends, my family or take a trip with me because lo and behold we can go, have a great time only for him to panic and dissappear the minute we get back. I can’t trust that at times, these men are even capable of following up their words with some actions (like, yeah ill come and help you move, Your sister needs someone to paint? Ill be more than happy to!) but this is all part of the chase and once you begin to recipricate everything he said and did is no more because now he realizes that he is being held accountable not just for those few times he managed to “be there” (which to him were just his ploy to “get you”) but now that he “has you” he doesn’t want you. This really takes a toll on our hearts and in our psyche. I sometimes think this is life’s cruel joke. What I once believed is no longer true and being cautious and highly vigilant of these signs has almost become a profession. Arming myself with all the tools, the signs, the red flags, I never realized being 36 and trying to find love or a sincere, genuine man would be so grueling. And I dont mean that I think nor beleive that the be all and end all of my life is finding a man but i can certainly say that while I love my life, my job, my friends, it would be nice to meet someone from the opposite sex to spend some time with, allow…
Hi Confused2, I think it’s important not to lump everything all into one smoking hot rejection pot. He hasn’t feigned interest – he was clearly interested in her. The fact that someone is interested at the start of the relationship though and for a few months, doesn’t mean that they’re interested in staying together forever and ever. He couldn’t have known at the outset that he was interested in staying forever – how could anyone? Some people’s level of commitment issues won’t be tested until they have to commit to more than they are prepared to. Then you see a change in the wind. To be fair, you will find that unavailable or available, only time, effort, watching, and listening shows who someone truly is and what they’re capable of. For a lot of people, 3 months isn’t going to tell them that their interest is now a permanent residence and the fact that someone expresses interest doesn’t bind them to you forever more. I’ve also never, ever heard a story of someone ‘pretending’ for years – the signs are always there. My friend was left 6 weeks before her wedding by Mr Unavailable. He’d apparently behaved perfectly and there were no signs, but she’d been out with him before. But she’d gotten back together with someone who treated her like shit first time round. She forgave him everything and he wooed her back and then ditched her without a trace. It’s why you don’t get back together with a jackass.
I’m not saying that it’s not hard out there, but really, it’s always been hard to meet someone and to instantly know or even very quickly know what they’re all about. “phone calls, going out, flowers, dates, being told you are beautiful, etc” – these are a sign of being interested. Shared values, commitment, progression, balance, consistency, intimacy are signs of being interested in a mutual long-term relationship. It’d take a lot more than any of the stuff that you mention, to decide to stay with someone forever, and if it doesn’t, you should be worried. I’ve had all that you’ve listed from most men I’ve ever been involved with – it’s the bread and butter stuff that separates the wheat from the chaff.
Sarah J, I think I have a good analogy for you! I used to have terrible problems with anxiety and panic attacks. In the midst of this, I was also looking for a new job. There were days when I had to cancel interviews because I was panicking too much to go. Was there anything wrong with the jobs? Nope! When I was in that state, it wouldn’t have mattered if it was The Greatest Job Ever To Exist. Were the interviewers fools for believing I was a great candidate? Nope again. Unless you’re literally taking up residence in someone’s psyche, there can be signs, but you can’t KNOW what goes on in there, Best to heed the signs that all is not right when they come, i.e….what this dude pulled. I agree with Nat, let him deal with his mess on his own time!
An exact thing happened to me too. Twice with the same guy. Both times after seeing him for exactly 7 months and 3 weeks(Natalie is so right about what she says – the commitment-phobes often have cadences). First time: we came back from an unbelievable vacation(so I thought) where I was quite clear that I was so into this guy and once I gave him an indication of how I felt he dumped me like a hot potato even though he told me that he loves me a day before. It was like a carpet was pulled from underneath me. After 10 months he begged to come back and so I took him back and then the same exact thing happened(slightly different circumstances). This time he just pulled a disappearing act on me. I called him on it and he admitted that he just cannot commit. We broke up over the phone right there and I maintained NC ever since. Exactly one year of NC now.
The second time it happened I was sure that it was his problem and not mine and I never looked back. But one thing I learned is that the slightest sign of inconsistency(like a disappearing act) is a big sign of the guy being afraid of committing to you. And that’s when you have to take your rose colored glasses and pull the plug. Don’t be afraid.
I remember Spiller and Groovejet being my anthem! ‘If this ain’t love, why does it feel so good?’. I was protesting too much. I remember a friend saying at the time, ‘if you play with fire, you’re gonna get burned’. This was way back but I carried on with the same EUM and other EUMs for years and got burned over and over, thinking it was love and they just didn’t know it. I am 4 months NC and have a lot of clarity, hope I can stay on my perch.
Still so many questions are unanswered though. I think I loved the EUM so much, but now I feel nothing for him, no broodiness. I think he’s ridiculous and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for letting me go so easily when he pretended to care. Is it just because I’m angry? I hope there isn’t grief coming because I spent enough time pining and grieving when he was in my life and really want to move on.
Natalie, Thank you so very much for the time & effort you give in your writing. I found your site days after having to go NC with my now exbf (AC/EUM) because he physically assaulted me. Your writing has opened wide my eyes & heart to the verbal/emotional abuse I was suffering every day & how it was escalating into physical.
Today marks my 4 week NC celebration! Throughout those 4 weeks I’ve been here daily reading & applying your wise words. The woman I am after just 4 short weeks is already a happier & healthier woman.
The exbf stayed silent for 3.5 weeks after I began NC then he started contacting me & members of my family despite being told not to by the police. His attempts at contacting me became more intense, desperate, & harassing. I was afraid. I went again to the police & I now have a 10 day Protection From Abuse (similar to restraining) order. Next week I appear in court before the judge to provide evidence for a long-term Protection From Abuse order. The exbf is to be there as well.
Anticipating that has me alternately feeling afraid & feeling strong. I fear seeing him will be overwhelming & affect my abilities to communicate clearly. Yet I am very proud of myself for how far I’ve come in the last 4 weeks. I am believing that the strength that I’ve gained will carry me through what I need to do in preparing for court & testifying. In the meantime I’ll keep on reading here!
Thank you again for your words Natalie. I am a woman whose life is in the process of being healthier & happier because of them.
Hi Willa,
Physical, verbal, and emotional abuse isn’t love. You are doing the right thing. In addition to the court system and BR, there are probably support groups in your area with access to legal (and emotional) resources to assist you in preparing for your hearing. Reach out to them. Verbal/emotional and physical abuse is very serious. I understand feeling afraid and feeling strong. Stay really strong and reach out to groups in your community.
I’m a survivor of physical and emotional abuse and I know how difficult it can be to get the legal system to respond. Be very proud and keep the faith. You will get out of this. Seeing him will not overwhelm you. Remember the assault. That’s not love.
Sorry Natalie if my response is off topic.
Thank you for your response runner. Your words are affirming & give me courage!
Hi Laurie,
I’d like to jump in here as everything Natalie said in her response to you is absolutely spot on and describes my life perfectly. I was married three consecutive times from 20 to 42. I never took the time to discover why the marriages ended or grieve the end of one marriage before I was married again. Of course, I experienced some pain and loss after each marriage but managed to avoid the real grief work by falling in “love”, again! I was so clearly avoiding me. After therapy, from 42-52 I then entered into “relationships” with a string of really bad AC’s (no more husbands though), including 2 MM’s. Still avoiding me. It all finally caught up with me when I discovered BR. Talk about banging my head against the wall.
It’s wonderful you are seeing a counselor and your response to Nat sounds great. I’m rooting for you. You are so fortunate to be only 27 and shedding the fur coat of denial. It really wasn’t about that one thing. Dear lord, what I would give to be 27 and where you are. There’s tons of hope and opportunities for you to make healthy decisions.
Natalie, absolutely one of your finest responses. Made me cry too.
Thanks so much for your encouragement, runner. I’ve been following your story on BR for a while, and women like you give me hope that I can stop the insanity that I keep giving in to. A month after my divorce was finalized, I met my ex-fiance. I thought I had significantly healed since I didn’t date for the year and a half that we were separated, attended divorce recovery workshops, etc. But I was still miserable. When my ex came along, all the sudden I felt beautiful, valued, and validated once again. I think I’ve gotten stuck thinking those things are only true about me when I’m in a relationship. I want to learn how to love and validate myself, so that I’m okay being single; and I’m not tempted to pursue relationships that are imbalanced from the get-go. It’s not going to be easy, but I’ve downloaded Natalie’s get of stuck workbook, and that’s helping a lot. I just wish I weren’t so damn emotional and irrational about things : )
So, how *does* a Future Faker know what she wants to hear? Is it because we all want to hear the same thing?
Thank you so much Natalie, Grace & others who have responded to my earlier post.
Since I posted I have had some sort of ‘clarity’ on what has gone on in the relationship I thought I was in. It has resulted (words from him) that he was keeping up a ‘pretence’ that he no longer could carry on with. He said he meant all the things he’d said about us & the future he thought he wanted but as time has gone on he knows that the relationship has ‘no legs’ & wouldn’t last because there’s a whole other social side to him that I don’t really know about i.e his drinking buddies. He said he has spent the past 2 weeks agonising about what to do & what was more important – me & the future or this whole other lifestyle he has. He lives in London & I live in the outskirts so we’re about 20 miles apart. I know he likes to drink as do I but not to the same level as him. We’ve talked about it before & recently and had I thought reached a happy medium, a balance we were both happy with. I’d never stop anyone from doing anything they wanted to do especially after coming to a good compromise.
I am completely stunned. Numb & confused about the past 6 months and the guy I thought I’d fallen in love with – did he even exist? He says he is so very sorry and that he feels terrible. He said when it’s just the two of us its great, amazing, he feels so happy but felt we were living in a bubble. He’s told me to bin all of his things that I have of his as he doesn’t want them & that he doesn’t want to see me again.
I’m trying to get my head around it all but I’m struggling massively. Did I do something wrong & deserve to think that everything was going so well when really it wasn’t? I’m so confused.
Sarah J
Call me a big ol’ stick in the mud but people who drink “a lot” (whatever that means) are likely trying to hide a part of themselves. It’s escapism. They can’t feel “right” however terrific their girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband is [hint: it’s not you]. Their dissatisfaction/ fear will sabotage it.
And, no, don’t try to figure out what he’s hiding or help him overcome it. That requires a trained professional. And some people NEVER figure it out. Even if they quit drinking they act it in other ways, often via crappy behaviour in relationships. Don’t let him act it out on you.
It IS lovely to share with someone, to cuddle, laugh, support each other, share intimacies. That can all be real and he can mean it. But when the chips are down and he’s gone, he means that too. Thing is, are you going to commit yourself to someone who means things for six months at a time?
Sarah J, I have been where you are now last year and yes, it is difficult to get your head around it. So loving, so great and so many plans for the future and how on earth would they want to give it up because of drinking buddies? Especially when you are ready for a compromise and are not stopping him from seeing his friends. Reason : he has a bigger problem with alcohol that he wants to admit to you or himself.
You talked about it because it`s a problem for you. He wanted both you and drinking with his mates, but it is hard to keep both of these things going, sooner or later something has to give, sounds like alcohol is his main love, or a very demanding misstress. He meant what he said to you, when he was sober but he also does mean now that he can`t keep the pretence up, do yourself a favour and believe him. You will not be able to understand him because even though you enjoy drinking you don`t run your life for it- he does. Trust me, this is not about you. And Grace is right, quitting drinking won`t help. There is a helpful site www. soberrecovery.com, have a look at the friends and family section, it will shed some light on your situation. Take care
Sarah,
A couple of months ago went through something similar. I felt chain jerked, confused and wondered what the hell I’d done wrong. I tried to be ‘good’ and healthy in this relationship but in the end, it didn’t matter. He was going to freak out and leave no matter what I did. It was also at 6 months. As time has gone on, I’ve made this less about me and realized his actions and decisions were about him, his thoughts, his fears, his weakness and his issues, not anything I did wrong. Was I perfect, no, probably not, but at least now I have some pride in myself that I did the best I could and behaved decent in this relationship. I AM a good catch, and his weakness or personal issues do not reflect on me. The initial WTF feelings do get better. I thought I’d hit the jackpot too, but now look at it like he misrepresented himself ( he thought he was ready), it wasn’t real, no jackpot but wishful thinking instead. He just ended it one day, abruptly with some reasons that actually contradicted themselves and I never got to talk to him other than my initial WTF reaction and it really confounded my confusion, but again, after a little time I was able to separate his reasons (issues) from anything I did or didn’t do. I just accepted it as over. He was nice, sweet, etc, too but was mean when he ended it, and the way he ended it was but that was the real him coming out in my opinion. Your guy has a drinking problem, most likely. It doesn’t always manifest as a raging drunk all the time. It can also mean choosing the enablers (drinking buddies) over reality (you). I went through that with a different ex, and the alcohol always won. Always. The drinking buddies were kept separate from me for four years. It was a huge part of his life I was not allowed to participate in….why? I would of been the reality, or the wet blanket. I used to drink a little with him, but it was never to his capacity and even that was enough to ruin his ‘party’. Sarah, better men are out there. This guy is a fixer upper who doesn’t want to be fixed. Grieve the loss and the illusion and keep moving forward. ((hugs))
Hi Sarah,
Try to take it easy on yourself; break ups aren’t easy. Give yourself a chance to deal with the initial break up. I think it is normal to be confused when you think something is going well, and then your partner ends things.
I went through something similar to your situation, twice, and it hurt, and it was terribly confusing, so please try to remember what Natalie says “it’s not about you.” His decision is about him.
Many times, relationships just don’t work out, but that doesn’t mean that you did something wrong. Certainly, we can all improve and learn to have better relationships, but please give yourself a break, “don’t beat yourself up”; you are only human as is he, so try to go slow, and take care of yourself for now…pamper yourself…go ahead and feel your feelings if that’s what you need to do; you’ve done nothing wrong.
Hugs to you, 🙂 🙂
Sugar
Sarah, I concur with what has been said elsewhere and would add:
1. From what you say, he obviously has feelings for you – so don’t go turning his decision about the relationship into something negative about you (that’s what this post is about after all). The biggest single destroyer of my confidence over the years was turning *facts* (such as someone ending a relationship with me) into negative *meanings* about me;
2. While he evidently has feelings for you, right now (for whatever reason) he also has a strong draw to his social life. He’s conflicted and he’s chosen the drinking/single life over the relationship. I believe that relationships are not just about the right person – they are also about right timing. What he’s said to you suggests that he isn’t in the right space for a relationship right now. You deserve a relationship with someone who’s committed to you, not someone who’s committed to pints and spirits;
3. All that said, don’t spend time raking over the details of what he is/isn’t thinking and what you did / didn’t do. At age 34, a relationship ended and I wasted a year ruminating over the rubble and beating myself up about it. You can’t get that time back and I don’t give a flying bleep about that guy now.
4. Spend a little time grieving what you thought you had and what you feel you’ve lost. I totally recommend Natalie’s suggestion of a feelings diary. Once you’ve healed your heart, dust yourself off and carry on with your life. I get that you felt you’d “finally” met the right guy at 36. I have a friend who thought she’d met the right guy at 35 and then again at 37. Neither of them were right and she was devastated at the time. She’s been dating a wonderful guy for a couple of years now and is getting married this year – age 40. It’s never last chance saloon. And, so long as we are still breathing, there is always opportunity for something and someone better.
This post gets better each time I read it. While I am healing, I am living my life and having a good time with friends. I get hit with involuntary feelings of missing him. It IRRITATES me, it’s been 6 weeks and I have no doubt it was the right thing. I did not let the EUM take up too much of my life, 4 months. But it was one month of bliss and 3 months of ups and downs. So glad its over.
“I get hit with involuntary feelings of missing him. It IRRITATES me” I know what you mean Lala. The EUM/AC I used to associate with (I refuse to call him “mine” in my head any longer even if referring to him in the past tense) I occasionally miss, not by choice, comes with feelings of irritation and hurt. And “The urge to put my hand in the fire again,”yuck, yuck. It’s a sickness. I think when you’ve loved someone and they no longer seem to and you are no longer together, you go through a withdrawal somewhat similar to what drug addicts must have. Sucks. Thoughts of stuff like, “after spending time with each other for a year and a half (yeah I didn’t realize he was EUM until late) you drop me without a word after I tried to get you to talk about things that weren’t working, I don’t deserve this shite, you should have a least responded back, I was good to you…” apparently I talk to him in my head at this point. He was sweet to me at times and unfortunately those times are the ones my memory refers to then. I hate that I’ve cared about him but it is what it is. He was my best guy “friend” and I use the term loosely, he led me on and showed callous disregard for my feelings a good chunk of the time, which I didn’t pick up on right away. I don’t want to be bitter but am struggling with it. Eventually I will move past this. In my head I say I forgive him for hurting me and eventually my feelings will catch up but I want to forget about it all and every EUM I’ve ever known. We will heal. Hugs BR Ladies!
Lala I know exactly what you mean. I am irritated as well when I get involuntary hits of missing my last guy. Its only been 2 weeks since the ending and we had only 2 months of good times then it ended but I feel after such a short time with someone it shouldnt hurt this much. I’m not glad its over but I know in my head it would have never worked and I am really sad about that.
Laurie, me and my sis were just having a convo about a situation similar to yours. I told her about your experience and that even though she is attracted to him over the phone, when she sees him it just ain’t happenin. We both agreed that one or both of them will be resentful and its not fair to either. I hope you find happiness. 🙂
What I like about this article and the comments is we are looking at ourselves and not just putting the blame on the eum/ac. Not accepting their crumbs and improving ourselves is the best way to quickly spot any future man-boys. If I hadn’t done my work I would still be in that relationship.
Well, I’m glad my misadventure served as an effective cautionary tale for your sister : ) At least some good is coming out of the situation!
I was actually really attracted to my exfiance, even though he didn’t believe me. I think it’s possible to have a good relationship with someone outside of your league (whatever the hell that means anyway) so long as both parties are emotionally healthy.
I think it’s awesome that you were able to walk away from your unhealthy relationship. It really is an inspiration to me–someone who is tempted to hold onto an anchor while drowning. But 10 days of No Contact today!!! Breaking the cycle one day at a time 🙂
Thank you all so much for your kind responses. I hope you don’t mind but I have printed them off so I can read them at any time. At this moment I need to constantly remind myself that I did nothing wrong other than get whipped up in words & moments. Also that his feelings were valid even if just for a limited time. He is not a bad or horrible person and I know he hasn’t done this to hurt me even though I am hurting of which, I’m sure he knows. And of course I know its a matter of time healing of which I’ve need to be patient 🙁
I’m still missing him a bundle & he’s in my thoughts a lot of the time. Think its the idea that I’m never going to see him again that is nagging me the most though I know its really for the best. I’ve had a relatively quiet weekend, in fact spent most of yesterday in my pyjamas, thinking & not talking to anyone.
Today after reading what you’ve all wrote I’m feeling a little more positive so I thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for that.
Much love
Sarah xx
Congrats and continued success to everyone on NC. It’s day 13 for me. I have also kept at a distance two guys who heard through the grapevine I was newly single. I made it clear that I was not interested in a relationship of any kind and that if I saw them out and about of course I would say hi but aside from that I am keeping to myself. One guy was interested in me before I met the ex and the other guy I’ve known for 7 years and know he is not for me. I don’t have to date them and see either (which is what one guy said I should do).
Hi. Thanks for this post. Great as usual. My sitch is this… I was with an EUM for a long time. FINALLY took this year to get rid of him (married and was looking for me to um, be his mistress. HELL NO) and I went back to my soul and what makes me happy.Cut my hair into a chic bob, bought a guitar, got my sassy walk back… SO i have been meeting men eventhough I knew I am a bit damaged and prob not ready to be a girlfriend unless I met someone I clicked with in many facets, not just physical (an issue I have worked on). SO i met new Guy and he is funny, cool, handsome (to me) and smart.. Likes Soccer. Chelsea fan. I can deal at least not Man u! and we get on famously right from the get go. Fast foreward three weeks, the first week we couldn’t get enoguh of each other hung out 5 of the 7 days. The next week I ran into him 2 times (we live in same nabe) and then we had a lovely date on thrus. Here is the clink – New Guy is 4 months out of live in relationship where his old girl Cheated on him and dragged it out by not leaving when he asked her too. So old girl has her crap (boxes galore) in his apt still…. He ows it big space. BUT it makes me sick to see that stuff in there even though they were together 6 years. I even said Do you want me to help her get it out. I am a quick mover…. was being funny. but He says he really can’t have her in his life anymore because of the pain and he Thinks I am teh coolest chick around. (he compliments me) but he said to me I am vivacious gorgerous blah but his guard is up a bit with me and he wants to dail things down because He is not available to give me what i need RIGHT NOW. Then he says he is a mess and needs to process things and didn’t realize how much he was going thru until he met me and wants to have a relationship but thinks he is damaged from the rawness of the breakup. And we click (honestly dont’ give him a bad name, because i know assclowns and he really isn’t) so he wants us to go back and hang out, watch soccer, take walks with his dog, grab wine and be chill. But he can’t offer more right now. I understand him as i did the same thing… But need a little support thinking and suggestions.. Ladies. love you all…
Hmmmmm
Sounds like he is unavailable – whether long term or just right now. But if you accept the hanging out / friends option, chances are, if he is attracted to you, he won’t keep the friends boundary and will just blow hot and cold and you will end up not knowing where on earth you are up to. This reminds me sooo much of the situation I was in…getting close, he backs off, getting close, he backs off and you spend all your energies waiting for him to become available and there is always a fair chance that this won’t happen. Sorry to sound negative. He might be a great bloke but if he isn’t in the right place for a relationship, hanging round waiting can be soul destroying.
another gr8 post. Thank u
It is time to let go of my memories.