One of the most frequent conversations I have with both friends and readers is about readiness for a relationship. They feel more than ready, often citing all the things they’ve done and wondering where the hell The One is. They’re understandably frustrated, especially because they often see what isn’t happening as a reflection of their lack of ’enoughness’. Sometimes they want a relationship so badly that by extension, they’re persistently reminding themselves that they don’t have it which gradually sucks the joy out of other areas of their lives.
Who, where and how we invest our time, energy, effort and emotions directly impacts our capacity for a relationship and/or the quality of relationship or type of partner we choose.
We don’t have an unlimited capacity, and so we have to tidy up and clear out. We have to make space for what matters.
For many of us humans though, we want to hoard old emotions, stories, exes, harmful habits and the like, while also acquiring other things, people and opportunities that might not fit with what’s piling up.
Here’s just a sample of some of the questions I’ve asked recently:
- If your parent/sibling is behaving like your substitute husband/wife or as if they’re the boss of you (and you’re going along with it), where does a healthy, loving partner fit into the mix?
- Or, if you’ve felt pissed off, resentful, victimised, powerless, hurt and frustrated on a near consistent basis over an extended period of time, where does a healthy, loving partner fit into the mix?
- If you’re talking to your now-married ex a few times a week claiming that you’re “friends” while secretly being in love with him throughout all of your relationships over the last two decades, where does a healthy, loving partner fit into the mix?
The short answer is that it doesn’t.
If you’re in a child role with your parents/siblings, this blocks you from fully growing up. You have to compromise yourself in certain ways to facilitate that dynamic. You’ll choose a partner with who you can either continue a similar dynamic (authority figure and likely on the shady scale) or who isn’t threatening to the dynamic (passive and unlikely to expect you to step up).
We don’t have an unlimited capacity for our emotional baggage. The same place where we’re storing up old stuff is the same space for joy, our self-esteem, and fulfilling and loving relationships and opportunities. Our desires and authentic self become overshadowed by the distortion.
The more people and experiences we’re holding blame and shame about and/or the longer that we’ve held those emotions for is the less space we have for a loving, healthy relationship.
Whether you’re talking to your ex regularly or occasionally, they’re parked in the space reserved for an available partner. The only relationships you’re going to have room for are ones that don’t challenge the status quo. They’ll offer the perfect reason to go back to yearning for your ex.
Who (or what) is parked in the space where you want certain things to happen?
We don’t have an unlimited capacity hence the need for boundaries, discernment and refinement. We get better at these because we want our quality of life and our self-esteem to rise.
If we could accumulate emotional baggage (including untrue and negative beliefs, misunderstandings that we persist in judging ourselves with, and harmful habits) without it impinging on the quality of our life in any way, there would be no impetus to learn or for us to process and heal.
We can’t take it all with us.
By metaphorically unpacking, decluttering and tidying up our emotional baggage, we go from bursting at the seams to having room to breathe and feel.
We do this by questioning anything we’re saying about life or ourselves that’s causing us to shrink instead of grow.
Updating our perspective on past experiences and challenging the rules that we impose upon ourselves liberates us. We become more of who we really are.
Experiencing hurt and loss is a part of life that’s unavoidable. Sometimes it feels as if we’ve experienced too much.
I’ve identified with this sentiment at times because I’ve been over-responsible for as long as I can remember. Childhood, as well as various adult experiences, have undoubtedly affected me. In an ‘ideal world’, mine would have been a trauma-free childhood or I’d have been exempt from trauma in adulthood. But this isn’t how life works and as hard as it’s been at times to confront and heal from my past, I wouldn’t be me without it. All that said, my perception of my options doesn’t have to be based on the past.. and neither does yours.
We don’t have control over the past. What we do have control over is how much space it takes up in our present.
Holding on to the past is a security blanket. If we cling though, we’re not free to be our authentic selves or to receive what we want. Holding our anger close about that certain individual in our life might feel ‘right’ because it spares us from being vulnerable. Ultimately, we’re the only ones held hostage by those feelings.
This doesn’t mean we should belittle our own experiences and shrug ‘em off though. The past is real but what we say about ourselves including our options, our worth in response to it, isn’t.
When we’re not getting what we want, it’s oh-so-easy to blame it on not being enough or to assume we’re being screwed over. There’s no need for this. Get clear about who (or what) is parked in your space.
- Who am I overdue on having some much-needed boundaries with?
- Which feelings and negative thoughts about a person/situation am I ready and willing to let go of?
- Which person or situation is parked in the space where I want something else to happen? And what am I going to do about it?
Make a list for each question. There might only be one person or situation for each one. If there’s more than one, pick someone or something to address.
Need help with making emotional space? Check out 48 Ideas For Increasing Emotional Availability and Breaking Harmful Relationship Patterns
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I know who and what is parked in mine. My ex has been lurking for over ten years, I’m very enmeshed with my mom and when I worked out who I’m angry with, the length of that list shocked me. Double digits!!!! It’s no wonder I feel like shit and the sad thing is, I never made the connection between what I’m holding on to and the quality of my life. I see it now. My ex loves me loving him. I have decisions to make.
“My perception of my options doesn’t have to be based on the past.. and neither does yours.”
This is brilliant!
Believe it or not, this is also at the basis of Machine Learning! Manchines employ decision- making processes known in maths as Markov Chains. The basic feature of Markov Chains is Memorylessness illustrated by the metaphor of Drunkard’s walk. These are related to the idea that all the information from the past is already reflected in the current state of affairs and predictions about the future are based only on the current state of affairs (memorylessness). Our current options are no function of how we got where we are or how long it took us (Drunkard’s Walk), but our future depends on the step we take next. -1, + 1, both equally possible, and then we are in a new spot with a new set of options. This is how machines learn and they don’t get stuck on the past, let’s learn from them !
I have learnt that I had coping mechanisms that were understandable but not healthy. With help because of a very difficult situation that affected my health I have finally reconciled myself, forgiven myself and am moving on to the point where once again in my life I am happy and content. Part of getting there has been to rediscover my love of sewing, making things which gives me a great sense of achievement when I see the results come to fruition. I know that both my parents were in their own ways unavailable because of their childhoods. They did the best they could as parents and I have forgiven any influences they had on my life. This led to me developing the coping mechanisms I had. Note the past tense. I feel freer to be the person I want to be and confident enough to say take me or leave me as I reinforce my boundaries and keep to my values. The past is that and it doesn’t occupy my mind or space now and I have made sure it hasn’t changed my core being into someone who is angry and bitter. If other people can’t cope with my values and boundaries, that it isn’t my problem but I won’t have people in my life who are emotional vampires and take without giving. With me you walk on two way street or not at all. One of those casualties was my sister, but I have gained a friend in my elderly father’s companion and this will continue after his death. Part of coming to this state of mind has also been about dealing with health problems over several years which has prioritised my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined and it has focused my life around my needs more.
Thanks for this. The timing of your posts are always impeccable.
This is such a perfect analogy for identifying what makes us EU! Thinking back on divorcing my husband (that process commenced exactly four years ago today!), I now clearly see how my very sticky ex constituted a 6-ton white elephant parked in my relationship space up until fairly recently as I’ve become more skillful and determined at enforcing boundaries. Worse still, my online “catfish” simultaneously had my relationship space completely coned off and inaccessible to anyone else for a few years! I’m chuckling thinking about how the man who tried to “M&A” me before I’d actually commenced the divorce proceeding once complained that it was like “trying to be with someone with a skunk in the room!” during all the drama that ensued once I filed the papers.
This is so true. I only got rid of my ex for good very recently. The process took years, and was ridden with bumps and pain and fear.
After finally ‘expelling’ my ex from my heart, I did briefly stumble on the usual love-pain trap, by ‘falling’ for 2 guys who didn’t like me/were EU. But it was brief.
Now I am free, and I have met a guy I like, and things are working as they should. I have liked him from the get go, but I am not rushing it. He makes me feel good and secure, and I know the ‘lack of butterflies’ is in reality lack of drama. We have things in common, and he is proving himself to be a good person. But, again, I am not rushing it, and I don’t panick if I think that it might not work out.
Because it’s not only dating that has gotten healthier: I have finally found friends I can be myself with. People who genuinely like me, who take care of me, who don’t have to be chased, and who aren’t clingy. As a victim of bullism in my teens, this is all very new to me. I also have a healthier relationship with my parents, and I’m doing therapy with a finally great therapist.
But friends, I am 36 now, and I have been working on this for the past 7 years. I have been reading Natalie’s blog for the past 7 years. I have been working on myself to get out of the tunnel for much longer.
The heart and the soul need time: don’t be discouraged if you struggle for months or years. Be patient!
Awesome Article,
This article provides really valuable information. It will help people to make their healthy relationship. I liked and enjoyed reading your article. Thanks for sharing such a great article with us.
Hmmm, nice article as always. But i keep telling people this, The honest truth is that you don’t have to be in a relationship that does not suit you, even if you love the person. You make a choice, between them and what you think you want.
I waited around first as a mistress, then as the rebound woman when his wife left hi. After nine years, he sent me a text saying we were done. I went crazy, ringing, texting and finally got the comment from him, that I knew what this situation has been all along Sex!!! After nine years???
I feel like I am never going to be happy again I loved this man so deeply and thought his feelings would eventually change. He’s now told me if I ever contact him again in any way he will take out a restraining order!!!
I am so struggling to understand how I could have shared so much of my heart soul and body with someone who clearly moved on so easily. I am really struggling and feel I’ll never be happy again.
I want a real explanation of what I did wrong, But I am a week into forced No Contact. Even though this happened three months ago.I still feel like it was yesterday.
Does it get easier, do people move on and ever feel whole again????? The worst part is I have noone to talk to as this was a secret all the way through.
I use to be a strong independent woman who could handle anything. Now I stay in bed somedays all day.
I am sad, lonely and don’t see this getting any better.
It would be great to hear from people who are on the other side and how long it took to get over him.
The situation was never great he called me mental frequently especially when I tried to discuss a relationship.
I am scared I will never move on
Hi.
I understand how you feel! I got a text too after 9yrs and I literally went into shock! One week I found out he lied and had gotten engaged two weeks prior to the text. I went mad,said horrible things via text. When he found out I knew who the woman was he blocked me on Facebook.9yrs he would post what he wanted and we would talk about it. The minute he knew I knew that he lied he blocked . The worst feeling is to give someone your love and time and realize it had no value to them! How long would it take to get over? I honestly don’t know it’s up to you. For me I’m crawling through the pain one day at a time! Just hold on.
I am on the “other side” and going strong after 18 months of no contact. Like you, I was with a man who was emotionally absent throughout the relationship as well as physically unavailable much of the time. The first weeks of NC may feel like true agony but it is the best way to break a bad relationship habit.
I found it helpful in the beginning to keep a feelings journal. Writing not only gave me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings it also provided some insight into those feelings. It became clear that most of my feelings towards my ex and the relationship were negative. I felt hurt, angry, rejected, unappreciated, resentful, unloved and used. Although, if asked, I would have said that I loved him, the journal did not reflect this.
The real game-changer in my recovery from that disaster of a relationship was the acknowledgement that what I felt was more obsession than love. Rejection feeds obsession and his occasional attention was the only relief from the pain. Since he was the only one who could ease that pain (that he caused, mind you) I told myself that my feelings for him were love.
Your state of mind sounds very similar to what mine was. Now that he is not around to feed your obsession, you are feeding it yourself with messages like “I can never be happy again” or “I’ll never love again.” It will take time, but you will be free of him once you are able to break free of the obsessive thoughts. I would suggest you do some research on how to stop obsessing.
Work on forgiving yourself for the mistake of this relationship. Let go of the past and move on. I found that self-forgiveness freed me from that stuck place because I stopped waiting for him to come back and apologize or otherwise make things right. I stopped dwelling on how stupid I was for letting myself be used. I understand why I made the mistakes I made and I know I have a bright future without him.