But breaking up is one of those sh*tty, horrible things that almost all of us have to go through unless we stick with the very first person that we get with.
Whilst they can be unpleasant, break ups do have to happen and yet, I’m starting to think that the modern world is full of people that don’t like to have an ending, so they just don’t.
Men that like to keep things ambiguous, just in case they decide that they might want her to break him off a piece of sex. Men also hate looking like bastards by uttering the words so instead they act like bastards so that women get the message.
Women who are so blinded by the idea of being with him or so entrenched in fear that the idea of letting go, even if he’s the biggest bastard on earth and she’s shed more tears than she cares to remember, she’ll still spend her life holding out hope.
It’s no wonder so many of us are feeling like our relationships are driving us cuckoo.
If it was down to the men that I have dated in my past, the great majority of them would still be in my life now, talking complete poo, and delivering …nothing.
The reason why I am broken up with these assclowns is because I cut the cord and got on with my life. Some were easier than others but it’s no different to repeatedly putting your hand in the fire – At some point, surely you have to realise that you’re having the crap burnt out of you and stop repeating the same behaviour?
That is of course unless you prefer the feeling of third degree burns on your hand to the uncertainty of unfamiliar territory.
Even though I’m only 30, I sense that there is something very different about breaking up in this century than in previous times. I think that modern dating has us in an options wide open mentality and with emotional unavailability and commitment issues so prevalent, both men and women can’t commit to breaking up, but can’t commit to a relationship either.
We’re commitment shy. Afraid of making the wrong decisions so making no decisions. We’re afraid of being in charge, responsible, accountable, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to blame it on a crap dating pool.
But to be fair to women, many are looking for answers and making genuine, concerted efforts to change.
But sometimes I wonder if we are over complicating things. Can’t we just break up like they did in ‘olden times’ before online dating, speed dating, booty calls, and f*ck buddies?
Can’t we just break up?
Your thoughts? Why can’t we break up?
If you can’t break, won’t break and want to understand your behaviour, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Add to favorites
Why can’t I break-up? I did physically but not emotionally. I don’t know why is it so hard. The guy was a bastard.
I’ve been doing a lot of work on this (1 year) and reading everything I can get my hands on. Books about relationships and how men think ad nauseam. I am stuck because I did not want to end things. The situation wasn’t good and I knew I had to…. but I didn’t WANT to. Maybe I’m a victim of my own wishful thinking or having low expectations. Weirdest is that a lot of men like me – I just don’t like them. When I’m out with a guy and thinking “I’d rather be home alone watching CNN” then I don’t continue seeing him.
The EUM was the first man in a long time that really turned me on. Exciting, confident, proud, arrogant, braggart and sexy as hell. He’s really a snake but I still have an intense physical desire for him. He’s a dawg and chases every woman that crosses his path and that is why I left. It wasn’t because of how I felt about him but that I was being made a fool off… wasn’t being treated with respect… no trust… no REAL relationship. For him it was just fun – for me it was a seed that I hoped would grow into something beautiful. Turned out to be a thorn though.
In my opinion, at least for me, having an intense physical attraction to a guy does not happen that often. So when I find a guy that I am really attracted to, it is hard for me to break it off if it isn’t working. I offer him many chances to get it right because I know it will be really hard to find someone again that I feel that kind of attraction to. Also when you are familiar and comfortable with someone it is hard to let that go, even if they aren’t right for you. I know that someday I will find someone that I am attracted to AND also treats me right.
I am on day 8 of NC. This is probably the 4th time of NC with this guy. I am reallly trying to stick to it this time. I blocked him from e mailing and texting me which is something I never did in the past. In the past I always wanted him to come begging back one more time. Now I see what a waste of time that has all been. I have run out of hope and he has run out of second chances.
I think a lot of it has to do with how you were raised…this generation of “helicopter parents” has really created people who don’t know how to make a decision or do something themselves, because parents have “spoiled” them. I had a terminally ill mother growing up, so most of my life was doing bills, cooking, laundry, everything for the family, plus helping take care of my mother.
In college while most of my age-mates were saying, “I have to take care of MYSELF?!” I was saying, “I ONLY have to take care of MYSELF!” It was so liberating. While I was with a couple EUMs in college it was a result of depression over my mom’s death…after 3 years of that and some counseling, I quite quickly reverted to what is for me a more natural state…being very assertive.
But there are other ways to get to where I am (thank goodness), you just have to be strong, get help where you need it, and eventually you can find the side of you that is assertive and self-confident. Best of luck!
I just can’t break up with this guy to his face. Or even to his ear. The last week has been hell with him not finding the time I need to talk on the phone. I broke up with him five times this month via voice mail. But when I finally get him on the phone, well…let’s just say the voice mails never happened.
I love him. OMG so much. But he is seeing like five other women! Except only one other is in love with him like I am. And He told me that she is miserable too.
This is honestly not a bad guy. He just wants what he wants. He wants freedom And because he is so attractive to women, we let him get away with it.
But he is getting complaints from other people he is seeing, he said the whole thing gets complicated and harder then he thought it would be( he is a year out of a 25 year marriage where he was faithful to the wife)
He likes women that are “into” him but at the same time, wants this fbuddy casual sex thing! He says short term is fine so maybe we are just forcing this long term thing on him!! I think so!!!
He treats me bad enough. I mean…it might be a hint. But I don’t think he wants me completely gone, he just wants me to know my place.
Lord I must be crazy but I got some kind of superglue holding me to this relationship! But a big part of me is just like him.
I know I should leave but I cling like an abused child clings.
I’ve been in situations with men, where I couldnt let go of them, and I find that the men have always had the same, pretty bad drink issues etc-I’m now in the NC phase and doing well, with a very charming guy-with the same issues- online, He has loads of women ‘friends’ and stopped “talking’ to me, I never fell for anyone online like that before and he was so nice, but ultimately shallow.
I realise that even ‘nice’ men can have all sorts of theories and ‘ways’ of dealing with women, such as putting a woman on the backburner if he ever needs her-I know because a guy who was a friend told me this-I also knew a young guy who had a project on how to deal with women and their weak spots!!!
I believe also that being around men like this can make you very distrustful of men who possibly could be ok, so you need time to get your head straight, when you do break away.
I think a lot of it for women has to do with abanadonment issues.
And also – breaking up means you have to look for solutions, and stop obsessing/being stuck, acknowledge that you are part of the pain, and be willing to make a life without your dream(the recent assclown).
It’s like stopping any addiciton.
The ones who recover are the ones who look inside themsleves and start working on their own issues – instead of just focusing on the pain and who caused the pain (blaming someone else)…
So that’s why women have such a hard time with it or dont break up.
EUM Men – cause they are dicks, like you said. They might want yt jerk with your head and get an ego stroke ten years down the line, and they can also tell themselves they weren’t bastards – it’s just the woman who is stupid to put up with their crap.
Tthey aren’t going to take repsonsibility if they are just acting bad instead of having an uncomfortable or difficult conversationjand being real and true.
Since they weren’t real and true in the relationship – they aren’t going to be about a breakup, either…
btw, NML, I’m only getting so smart about all this stuff because of you and Brad, etc. and you guys are really ON IT 🙂
EUMs can really confuse you. The sex is great…. but their actions don’t back up their words. If they are paying more attention to other women in public than they give to you it hurts and confuses you. You wonder what the hell is going on….?? You just slept with him last night and you both seemed to have a great time. Then at the end of the night – after pretty much ignoring you – he wants you to go home with him. So based on his actions you are just a convenience. You wonder why he is paying so much attention to everyone else yet wants to take you home. With my EUM the women he flirted with the most were married so I guess in his mind it was harmless because he knew those women were not going home with him. It was all a game and ego boost for him but insulting and hurtful to me.
SusieQ, I have the same issue with physical attraction and that’s what happened to me with my EX EUM and why I found it so hard to let go…but what I’m discovering is that part of that attraction is the challenge, the hope that you will finally break them and they will love you (Fairytale), and being BLIND to the REALITY of the situation. I think that the answer to this problem, and I’m not cured yet, but working hard on it…is to do a lot of work on yourself and learn to value your qualities that are not physical attributes and not get your self worth by the way you look, but the qualities that make you -you! I think that if we value our integrity, our honesty, our ability to love our friends our family and ourselves, then eventually we will not find men who are only physically attractive and charming, but have no integrity attractive. If we treat ourselves well (I mean by standing up for ourselves, being true to ourselves, having our behavior match our values and what we feel we are worth) then we will only find men who have integrity and treat us well attractive. We have to change our view of what is attractive and sexy…my new definition is INTEGRITY, CARING, THOUGHTFUL, EMOTIONALLY PRESENT, KEEPS THEIR WORD…of course their must be some kind of attraction…but without the important inner qualities, I will not give them the time of day. For instance, I began dating and one very attractive man asked me out for a date and wanted “to play it by ear to figure out what time” based on what he had to do..I told him I wasn’t going to wait around that day for him that we needed to make it definite. He said he’d call me back to in a few hours to give a definite time…of course he didn’t. This is the way to get rid of the assclowns before you become attached. Another guy we had a great first date and said he wanted to get together again. Then he text messaged me then next day. I texted back, but then the next day he texted again (no phone calls) so I politely told him I prefer talking to texting and he can call me if he wants. Obviously, no phone call!!! The point I’m making is if we don’t put up with bad behavior and weed out the assclowns. They;ll find a desperate woman who will put up with it. I hope all of us get strong,
IVYOWL – You are worth more than to let this Don Juan abuse you! He’s not worth it. Look inside yourself deeply, and figure out why you think so low of yourself that you would let a guy treat you as one of a harem of women and you’d accept it. I’ve been there and until I dug and dug and dug inside myself and my history, my childhood experiences, my past relationships and figured out what made me think I wasn’t worthy of love, I let these assclowns walk all over me too. I’ve changed how I feel about myself and it’s work and it’s gradual, but I will never, ever allow anyone to treat me that way again…I don’t care how attractive, sexy, or charming they are. Those are not qualities I admire anymore in a man. Those are qualities that got me into trouble in the past. The qualities that are important are in someone’s character, not in their personality and their physical attributes.
Anyway…breaking up is hard, but living in misery is worse. I’d rather be alone than put up with the an assclown’s shit. Ladies, we need to be strong…buy a vibrator and forget these jerks…they’re not worth the trouble. Eventually, we’ll find great guys…but we have to work on our inner selves and becoming emotionally smart, having self respect….Remember, self esteem is the reputation you have with yourself and if you know that someone is treating you poorly and you continue to let them, then you will lose more respect for yourself. See the lousy relationship for the reality that it is. Until you really know that you deserve the best, you will not receive it.
Finally, That was very well put. I totally agree with you and I know that my biggest problem lies with the fact that the things I find attractive and sexy in a man don’t necessarily make him a good mate. Obviously we are attracted to looks right off, but I need to learn that when I see the red flags of EUM behavior I need to get rid of him right away. The problem is that sometimes they put on a big act in the beginning to get you hooked. Next guy I will definitely be stronger and think more with my head then with my heart and not put up with substandard behaviors.
One of the things that makes it hard for me is that I am a single mom which makes it really hard for me to meet people. My son takes up all my time and so there is no room for hobbies and such where I might meet someone. Hopefully I will meet someone through activities that I enjoy doing with him someday. But until then you are right, for now no relationship is better than one that eats away at my self esteem.
I am on 9 days no contact and I don’t miss him very much at all. I actually feel relieved to be away from all that anxiety and drama.
Rejection has such a sting to it it really hurts.
I was silly and arrogant enough to believe I could with going out with an EUM I swore to myself I wouldn’t become attached and when it was time to move on I would do so. And sure there were some differences in my behaviour from dating other EUMS but somehow he drew me in and I trusted his words to me forgetting to remind myself of his actions to see if they matched his words they seldom did.
I have slipped in my no contact so I had to start back at one and I have lost count of the tears I’ve cried lately just because he hasn’t called (though actually I wonder if it goes deeper than that because I am facing issues within myself and looking at why I let myself be treated this way) .
I have been smacking myself in the face with the truth about how the situation is and is likely to be should we continue to be “friends” which clearly he isn’t interested in because there are no longer any benefits.
So I am weak in that I haven’t told him to take a hike. I don’t even know what I’m holding out for I am puzzled I think it is an addiction that I haven’t found a way to break yet but I will I know I will. I have been shocked at myself lately and am only thankful I haven’t been snivelling on the phone to him whining about why he hasn’t called etc.
So yes rejection hurts a lot. Though I did read and it would be true it is a much quicker way to healing to have no contact from when you first break up and prolonging it and staying in contact with him actually helps him get over you a lot quicker…. I see the truth in that statement.
It is weeks later and the assclown left me for somone else. It is probably the best thing he could have ever did though it hurts really bad right now.
I was emotionally abused growing up. That is why I put up with him even against my own reasoning.
He is a Psychologist. He has been in practice for twenty years. He is susposed to be very good. But yet he took full and complete advantage of my obviously low self esteem.
He knew I was sick and had alot of problems with depression. He knew I had been hospitalized in the past many times. Yet he just steamrolled me.
Something is beginning to rise up in my gut and I believe it is disgust. He is really disgusting.
ivyowl
if that person was your therapist and they moved into having an intimate relationship with you that is unethical. Also in some countries, like the USA, a person could lose their license and ability to practice if their behavior came to light–if this is the case with your psychologist you might think about suing him–or not–as it were. Anyway he does sound pretty disgusting.