How long is a piece of string? It’s difficult to pinpoint every reason under the sun, but there are some things that just keep cropping up.

SEX – FREQUENCY, LACK OF IT, JUST NOT INTO IT

Every person has their pet peeves, but there are guys whose erection deflates when they don’t see much sex on the horizon. They also lose interest when they don’t think they’re getting it often enough, or it’s not the right flavour for them. If you’ve been with a guy who gets bored as soon as he gets your knickers off and hits the proverbial jackpot, the relationship is doomed. Short of finding something unique and different to do every single time you guys have sex, this is a conundrum that can’t be solved. If he is a little more balanced (and I say this cautiously) I could say jump up and down with your boobs waving about saying “I’ll do it, I’ll do it”, but if sex is his how he measures the relationship, you either get shagging, talk about your differences (be careful they lose their erections for this), or let him go.

Frequency can be a big issue and you should have an idea of whether your man is an every day, possibly several times a day guy, a few times a week guy, or special occasion guy. People are resistant to change and whilst it is natural for the frequency to decline over time, some people take it really hard. Keep in mind when you’re giving him good loving morning, noon and night in the ‘honeymoon’ phase that you need to manage expectation if there’s going to be a sharp decline. Gradual so that they don’t notice, like the way you slip new shoes by them, is a more appropriate strategy.

LACK OF BJ’S

I’m yet to meet a guy who has dumped a woman for giving him too many BJ’s but if you know of one, please let me know. I have heard several tales of men who have felt their interest waning because she either doesn’t want to service his brain, I mean willy often enough, or with some women, not at all. This is a toughie. I’m the type of woman who doesn’t eat dessert all the time and enjoys it when she does. However, if I ate dessert every single day, or just very often, I think it would lose its thrill. You catch my drift?

If your guy is losing interest because you won’t give his willy some TLC, you need to think about whether 1) you really want to be with this guy, 2) if you’re going to up the number of blowjobs and 3) whether you can get something in the trade off.

Not that I’m the BJ’s Tourist Board, but they aren’t the most horrific thing on earth if you’re into them (quite the opposite) although they are..an acquired taste. If he has things that he needs to attend to, let’s say a cheesy willy, then I don’t blame you and you should tell him that ‘interest’ will pick up when he learns how to take care of his todger properly.

Keep in mind that any guy that loses complete interest over a lack of BJ’s, probably isn’t worth the effort.

SHE’S NOT SPICY ENOUGH

This covers porn, dressing up in 6″ heels and a maids outfit, anal sex, dominatrix, threesomes, swinging and all the other ‘kinky’ things that a couple can get up to. It’s different strokes for different folks, but certain types of activity, for instance swinging need a like minded woman. If your guy is losing interest because he needs to do the sexual equivalent of swinging from the chandeliers every time his willy comes out, he won’t be able to maintain excitement for someone that doesn’t want to play. You have to make a decision and either find a compromise, jump in with both feet, or run out the door without a backward glance at the bowl full of keys. If you want cosy nights in with a DVD, romantic meals and he’s trying to get you to have a night in with him and another woman, you want different things.

I’ll put it this way: You know if you want to do these things regularly or even experiment and if you don’t, you may have to accept his loss of interest. If you’re hoping he changes, stop. They don’t and you don’t want him creepy creeping down the street to someone else to satisfy his urges now do you?

SHE’S GONE AND CHANGED ON ME

As a black woman I know that the air of mystery and sexiness takes a bit of a dive when you start tying your hair up in a scarf in bed. It’s the same thing when it comes to lack of make-up, no more sexy underwear, tracksuits, PJs, mashed up hair, the lack of sex that I referred to above, and ‘wifey’ mode. When we get ‘comfortable’ they get nervous and sometimes when we let some of the things go that we worked hard on when we first met them, they think they’re lying beside a different person.

I was doing my finals a couple of years ago and living with my ex fiance. We had a blazing row when I was up doing an all nighter and the imbecile said “I don’t know when you got so comfortable with me that you think it’s OK to wear tracksuit bottoms” and then to add further insult to injury “And you haven’t had a bikini wax.” We broke up a week later.

If you go from sex kitten to someone that ‘nags’ him about toilet roll, empty milk cartons, not taking out the bins, getting engaged, moving in, wallpaper, going to his parents, it can be a massive change. Never mind the fact that he’s got a beer gut and he’s gone from wearing fresh Calvin’s to wearing what looks like crotchless and backless boxers…
It’s all about keeping the magic alive and if you let it go within the first year or so, it’s too soon, and that’s on both sides. I think human nature means that we perform for the first few dates and then we get weary and let out the ‘real’ us, however, relationships do require effort, on both sides.

HE’S AFRAID OF COMMITMENT

Nothing makes his nuts shrivel and has him breaking out into a cold sweat like a woman that wants to get engaged, married or wants to move in. When it comes to losing interest, if this issue is at force, then it’s likely to be a timing issue, i.e. he thinks that it’s too soon. Now bearing in mind that ‘too soon’ could mean that you’ve only been together a short amount of time (lets say under a year) or any time is ‘too soon’, you normally know which one of those you’re dealing with. If he just wants to have his cake and eat it too, and all you hear when you see cake is wedding bells, it’s likely that discussions or even perceived expectation that ‘commitment’ is expected from him may cause him to lose his interest.

Again, if you’ve gone from his sex goddess to what he perceives as a walking, talking, nag about commitment
(he can think this even when you’ve only brought it up once); you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Guys commit when they feel like it and if they commit a second before, they make you feel bad about you getting them to do something that they don’t want to and you ‘owe’ them. They do things on their time and you’ll save yourself a lot of agro and probably shorten the time if he doesn’t think that you’re on his case.

BEING TOO KEEN

You’d think he’d be delighted that you’re showing so much interest but you’re removing the thrill of the chase, the air of mystery and possibly even his hard-on. There seems to be an in-built sensor system in men that they become very interested when we aren’t. Strike a balance. You don’t need to play Ice Maiden, but you do need to keep a little back. Don’t go wearing the sleeve on the heart until you know where you’re going to. If you sense his attention waning, sit on your hands and don’t phone, text, email or anything until he does. And don’t reply immediately. Interest will pick up generally, unless he has lost complete interest and it’s likely that you knew that before you read the article.

As a point of reference, he definitely isn’t interested if:

He’s always too busy to call, email, anything but he pops up for a date/shag from time to time.

You know that he’s sleeping with someone else for definite.

He’s told you.

Your gut is giving you a nagging sensation.

You make excuses for why he isn’t treating you right.

And remember that if you suffer from what I refer to as Women That Think Too Much or Women That Talk Too Much syndromes, his brain gets weary. They don’t want to get all touchy feely in the emotional sense and discuss feelings, issues and what’s on our minds all the time. Learn how to package it and don’t unleash it all on them as they do, yes you know what I’m going to say, lose interest.

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