Right now as you read this, there are hundreds of thousands of people out on first dates and by the end of the date, they’ll either be praying they never have to see the person again, or crossing their fingers behind their back that the other person feels as great about things as they do, so that the first date becomes a second, third, and so on.
But what do you do when you have a great date (and sometimes they even tell you it was great) and then you never hear from them ever again? What do you do when you’re expecting a call that never materialises?
Move. On.
I realised after years of dating and dodgy boyfriends, that two people see things very differently and that you need the judgment skills of a crime scene investigator to work your way through the minefield of dating.
One of the most important things that you can learn about dating, is that much like when you’re in a relationship with a guy and they fear confrontation and nagging, many men are complete wusses about conveying in any way, that a date is anything less than up to par. This means that they will carry on like they’re on the date of their life and make you feel good about it even though they have no intention of seeing you again because they don’t want to look like a prick and need to make you feel good about them and the date.
That said, at the end of the day, your interpretation of ‘great’ and theirs may be two very different things. You can’t really tell how great it was unless 1) they tell you, and 2) they follow it through with a call and further dates.
A date really isn’t that great unless it opens the way to subsequent dates. Unless you’re agenda is to have ‘great’ dates and never see them again, you’ll the need the greatness to follow through into something.
Most of us are not very good at judging whether a date was good independently of the other person because we have our egos and date goggles to contend with. It’s like when you go for a job interview and feel like the job is practically yours, only to discover that you didn’t make the cut and the interviewer wasn’t very enamored with you.
You might think that you were charming, witty, confident, a great conversationalist, and that you were both on the same wavelength. He might think he was on a date with a self-absorbed, sarcastic, domineering, chatterbox, that spoke relentlessly about herself and didn’t let him get a word in edgeways. He might think you have nothing in common.
Or he could be fickle, emotionally unavailable, avoiding commitment, or bored because he’s already managed to have sex with you. Yes, sometimes we make the mistake of assuming that a sexual connection makes a great date when in fact it can often spell the last date.
At the end of the day though, there could be any number of reasons why a guy doesn’t call but the point is that he didn’t. His reason for not calling doesn’t have to be about you and it is often about him. Whilst it is easier said than done not to expend energy trying to figure out what happened, you have to apply the following rule of thumb: The amount of time you spend pondering his reasons should be proportionate to the amount of date time invested. So if for example, you spend as much time worrying about why he didn’t call after one date as you would about the end of a three month relationship, you know you’ve got serious issues!
The best thing to do is to slow your roll and don’t get carried away with the fantasy or expectations that can result from thinking that you’ve had a great date. It doesn’t mean you need to be cynical or distrusting; instead you need to treat prospective dates as prospective and keep your feet firmly in reality. Don’t assume that it is about you because you’ll let it eat into your self-esteem and assume that it’s your fault. And if he doesn’t bother his arse to call after a genuinely great date, you’ve probably been let off lightly!
Also read How long should it take for a man to call after a first date?
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Hello… I think sometimes the dates are great and the dude freaks out. Now this could mean he is afraid you may find out he is not as cool as he came acros, a committment phobe, unavailable one or it could mean he is in something and is testing waters. Watch for those. They are usually unhappy in their thing and you don’t want to be rebound girl or girl on side! Also, I have had 2 dudes come to me after a month and tell me how great our date was but they thought I wasn’t interested cause I didn’t call them…At this point I HAD lost interest. So it is all a, pardon my french, a crap shoot when it comes to connecting. And men say women are complicated 🙂
Dear Andrea,
You are right about that too!
I have been through a lot of that!
When they see me at first they go crazy! 99% of the guys who I meet for the first time go crazy, they get all happy and excited, than they pull back after 2 or 3 dates, or they never call me after the first date.
They find me very attractive and I am kind, polite, well dressed, always smell good and I don’t order the most expensive dish on the menu. I also don’t drink a lot; if I go out for drink I have just one drink.
I have to agree with you.
Nevertheless, the still look like jerks when they don’t call
Hmmm, interesting post! True too.
Seems that date one isn’t an issue, but date two seems to be the confusing one.
Lets say that you BOTH have a great time first time out, he DOES call and you do go out again. Seems that date two is the one most guys never call again after.
At least for me. Seems to be the clincher. Once the nerves have worn off after the first date, the second one lets you show who you really are a bit more.
So what does that say when they don’t call after that?
That it just isn’t there, and yes, be grateful that you haven’t let yourself get all caught up in something that wasn’t right. Could be a blessing in disguise cause guys are just of guilty of dating because they are lonely as we are.
Easy to mistake need for someone/anyone for connection sometimes…especially in these shark filled dating waters in big cities…
I am lucky, most of the guys I had one or two dates with are now my friends.
Just because you don’t connect in a couple way doesn’t mean you can’t end up with a good friend! Even if you have slept together (see the reasons regarding loneliness)…So hey, nothing ventured nothing gained.
But it is disappointing, that’s for damn sure….
I had a pretty bad date yesterday. I really like this guy but somehow it didn’t take off. We were struggling to communicate and I think I came across as boring and not having a sense of humour. I also think I overstayed my welcome as I forgot the time while we were having a drink and he had to gently remind me he was late for his next appointment (which I knew about before). Before we parted he said it would be nice to meet up again but I wonder if he was just being polite?
If a girl doesn’t make a graceful exit and keep the guy wanting more, what are the chances he would actually want to see her again? Should I drop him a thank you email or would that seem desperate?
It’s the “polite” thingy that bothers me most. Why can’t you just be honest and mean what you say, as in “Thanks for the nice date, but I’m not that interested”?
Went on that date with a guy a week ago: it wasn’t sparks, but it was good. We actually watched two movies, plus drinks and food. The usual talk, “I had a great time, let’s do it again sometime” – never heard from him again. I will neither call nor txt him, since I already initiated the first date, but will probably send him a polite email saying that “although I really had a great time, I’d like to leave it at that.”
cheekie1969 I also have got the same problem recentlyI went out on a first date on halloween to the cinema, I thought we had a good time however nerves turned into little miss chatterbox lol he initiated second date which was at my place with a film and wine! I had a lovely time however there was no hug or kiss or anything! It’s a confusing one cos he works odd shifts! It would be nice if there was a 3rd date! If I don’t hear mention of it in another week I’ll take it as a no lol
I had the weirdest experience. It seemed to go really well, and HE kept talking about the next time. I was supposed to lend him a book, but he was on his bike and couldn’t carry it, so he said, it’s his excuse to see me again. I NEVER heard from him again. Actually, that’s not entirely true. He did call me back and I was very encouraged. But it turned out that he had inadvertently left his eyeglass case in my purse (he asked me to hold it for him, and we both forgot about it). When he realized I must still have it, he called me, and met me just to pick it up. That was the last time I saw or heard from him. I’m not losing any sleep over it– I just chalk it up to him being kind of weird, but it was one of the more baffling experiences I’ve had in a while. I can’t make any sense of it whatsoever.
I experienced the ‘Let’s be friends!’ email after a first meeting recently; it was a shame because I really enjoyed the day and his company (he was just my type), and I thought he had too. However, I tried hard to think about what it would have been like for me if he hadn’t have been my type, and if he had been the keen one – and concluded that I would probably have done the same thing.
It’s definitely just best to let these things go, however disappointing the prospect.