A reader sent me this Maya Angelou quote that Oprah regards as the best advice she has ever received: “When people tell you who they are — believe them.”
When someone behaves in a consistent manner showing and telling you who they are, you have to take them at face value and hear and see what they are telling you, not decide that you know better, or that even though he says he’s not ready, not interested in a relationship, or too good for you, that in time, it will change because you have your own agenda. Particularly if you stay in the light of the reality of a person, or go back, you have an even greater accountability for being in the relationship, and it makes it difficult for you to continue to complain – you knew what you were getting.
I’m not saying that you have to be all singing and dancing, but there comes a point where you have to take decisive action and change things that you can control (you), or get out. Or quiet down. When you adapt your own behaviour over a consistent period of time (not just temporarily to get a quick result), it’s very possible that 1) the relationship will no longer hold much appeal for you, or 2) the person recognises that if they want to be with you, the relationship has to change and so do they.
Action begets action. If no action results from your action, you know it’s best to tell them to ‘jog on’ and leave you be. Until then, you’re carrying dead weight.
When you stay and complain in relationships, it’s because you put the onus on the other party to change.
You may even say stuff like ‘If he’s not happy, he’ll go if he wants to end it’ or ‘I’m not ready to stop trying so if he wants to go, he needs to say so.”
Placing the onus on the other party to change, happens because you either genuinely believe that you are doing everything in your power to make the relationship work and it’s them that poses the obstacle, or you believe that even if you are contributing to the problem, it’s to a lesser extent than him, or that when he sorts himself out and adapts, you will follow.
Sometimes, hard as it may be to hear, you overestimate what you bring to the table and have a superiority complex.
Don’t believe me? For those of you who have spent time with a dubious man, or two, or three…, if you dig a little deep, you’ll know that you were expending energy on a man that was not in position to or did not have the desire to be in a relationship. When you’ve been with men that ‘need’ to change for you to get the relationship that you want, or you’ve tried to fix, heal, and help them, unfortunately there is an element of knowing that they’re unworthy but choosing them because you think they’ll be more ‘grateful’ to be with a woman like you, or at least more likely to be receptive to your attentions. It’s also easier to be with the broken man that you know and try to feel more valuable with him, than it is to be with the unfamiliar territory of a guy that doesn’t fit your pattern and may take you out of your comfort zone.
I’m not suggesting that some of these guys (or women) don’t have things that need to be addressed, but have you ever asked yourself what would happen if you focused on you?
This is not a negative thing by the way – what if you, as an individual, resolved your own inner turmoil so that you have the power and capacity to survive, with or without him? You can be happy, with or without him, and the sun doesn’t have to rise and set on him, his problems, the relationship, or what you forsee in your future for the both of you. Call it personal security.
I appreciate being on your own, for instance, is a different kind of happy, but hell, happy is happy. Some of my happiest times are from when I was single and started to love myself. I was more happy then than I’d ever been before – that was huge progress. I realised I didn’t need to seek approval or validation, I didn’t need to apologise all the time, that I could be myself, and that I could actually be happy if I wasn’t with a man or I wasn’t fannying around trying to jump to everyone’s beat being a people pleaser and glutton for punishment.
One of the biggest things I learned about seeing my qualities and contributions to relationships accurately is that by being with the same men, different package, I wasn’t really stretching myself.
I might have tweaked it up a little and played The (Polar) Opposites Game, but by knowing what I was likely to get and by repeatedly choosing limited relationships, I was only ever going to be in the position of making a limited contribution, and getting a limited return.
My contributions felt like a lot because I was choosing to expend a lot of energy on futile relationships with people who wanted a loaf in exchange for crumbs. I could have chosen differently, not least because every one of these guys made me miserable and depleted my self-esteem but it was easier to see myself as the party that was hit by a run of bad luck, that did the best she could with the relationships she had, and fought hard to save them/work at them, and if I’d only they’d changed things would have been hunky dory.
If you keep repeating the same patterns and choosing the same type of people that yield the same relationship and expecting different results, not only is this relationship insanity, but it is coasting and taking the ‘easier’ well travelled route.
By choosing to be in relationships that have a limited capacity for growth, your contribution is limited, not least because you’ve done all of this before.
Hard as it may be to hear, if you don’t want to be stuck in the same cycle, repeating the same relationship patterns, and attracting and being attracted to same guy, different package, you have to accept that whatever your contribution has been, you still need to change your relationship habits so that you can change the relationship you’re in or that you’re likely to get.
You want to find yourself with another Mr Unavailable trying to extract change and commitment out of him for months of years? Keep telling yourself that it’s not you, it’s them, or that even if you do have some issues to work on, he still needs to change because if he changed then you’d feel like you could change too.
You’ll know that you’re focusing on the wrong qualities or not seeing the bigger more realistic picture about your contribution to the relationship if you have a negative relationship pattern but keep persevering and expecting different results – yep, relationship insanity again.
Read my posts compatibility, type, and common interests, But we have so much in common (when really you don’t) and also I’m successful! Why am I still single? and ten reasons women choose men and why they shouldn’t.
I cannot emphasise enough how it’s wonderful to be smart and accomplished but they’re not a contribution to a relationship and they don’t hold the key to holding on to a man. If you were applying for a job or competing in the business world, those qualities would be far more valued.
I know and have been involved with a number of very intelligent assclowns who have their own accomplishments – that doesn’t make them any more desirable to me or suddenly ‘inflate’ their crumbs to a loaf. They were just more intelligent at taking me for a love fool…
Likewise it is good to be nice, kind, generous, and compassionate but let’s be real – aren’t these the least that we expect from humans who we want to have mutual love, care, trust, and respect with? There are some people out there who don’t deal in the bare basics, but we should treat basics like a hot commodity?
There’s also a flipside to being ‘nice’, ‘kind’, ‘generous’ and ‘compassionate’, other things women who go out with Mr Unavailables and assclowns regularly describe themselves as – you may be too nice and disrespect your boundaries and involve yourself with dangerous people who abuse your niceness. You may be kind but it may come tagged with expectations, or again, you may be too kind. You may be generous, but you may be an overgiver that actually gives to receive or is even co-dependent. You may be compassionate, but that’s often code word for being a sucker for a sob story and having no limits, which creates no boundaries, which creates a fertile ground for being taken advantage of or even abused.
How we see ourselves and our contribution is not how others may see it.
This is not about letting some guy (or woman) tell you that you’re not that great really; it’s about looking at the bigger picture and forcing yourself to be self aware enough to recognise that you may be overlooking things that are either one, far better qualities about yourself that you don’t value, or two, other characteristics, behaviours and beliefs that are impacting on your ability to forge a healthy relationship.
Back for the final part 3. Check out part one
Your thoughts? Can you see the flipside of things that you have believed yourself to be in your relationships? Do you see things differently?
Your thoughts?
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When people tell you who they are — believe them.”
Natalie, this a very bitter pill to swallow. I know and understand this statement completely. Yet my actions lately have suggested otherwise. I discovered you will not believe what people tell you about who they are if you don’t believe who you are. You mentioned in another post about being authentic….guess what when I was not being authentic with myself, my feelings and my values I ended up turning off what I was hearing, seeing, and tuned into what I wanted to hear. I found myself hanging onto something that had no potential for growth. When I have looked at it, I have been doing this in many areas of my life. I have said I want more, but have settled for way less. I have reached a critcal point in my life where I have had to get real…I mean really real about who I am and how I really feel about me.
It is really tough but it is the only way to go. It means that you can be authentic but you can also have an authentic view of people rather than projecting. I know it’s good to see the best in people but it has to be a best that is real. I wish you much success in your journey. Strip it back and get real – it’s worth it.
Yes! This is great advice but it’s also much more than that – it’s a new way to live. I would do the same thing with every EUM, thinking of all these great qualities I have and being baffled as to why he didn’t value them. There was definitely a sense of “I’m so much better than what this guy deserves, why doesn’t he see that” instead of “What I want and deserve is valid, I’ve expressed what I need, he doesn’t care to change his ways, so it’s over”. I never really thought about my contribution and effed up way of being in relationships with that superior mindset before. I have always hoped to change them so that I can reap what I’ve sown into them. I didn’t realize I WAS reaping it…no man has ever magically said “Oh yes you’re absolutely right. I will now morph into your ideal man.” I’ve also done the “But I’ve given him x, y and z while he has given zip.” Not the right focus at all. There’s no need to rehash or question all you are, or all you’ve done or suffered over these men if you had the sense to wake up to what was really going on in the first place.
mE,
Thank you so much for this comment!
I’ve recently had contact from my EUM, and while I’ve managed to keep NC, hearing from him got me thinking about all that had happened.
I LOVE this line —
“What I want and deserve is valid, I’ve expressed what I need, he doesn’t care to change his ways, so it’s over”.
For myself (sanity and self-esteem) I will add that “What I have to offer is worth appreciating. If he does not appreciate it, I don’t need to prove my worth, I need to move him along.”
THANK YOU again so much for your words.
They came at just the right moment for me as I move through
the next stage in my recovery and back into a real life.
“What I want and deserve is valid, I’ve expressed what I need, he doesn’t care to change his ways, so it’s over”. – You can also say to yourself ‘I’ve expressed my needs and he can’t meet them so I need to go’
“This is great advice but it’s also much more than that – it’s a new way to live. ” You’re so right. It’s about living congruent to the person you profess to be. It is difficult to be happy when you’re not being authentic which also creates relationships that lack authenticity. It is indeed time to wake up!
I just broke off things with Mr.EUA 2 weeks ago. It hurt like a smack in the face when I had the conversation.He did all the right things and in my gut I still knew.He just wasn’t THAT into me. So I had the conversation, he confirmed my thoughts and that night I told him to come by and get his things. Every time I waver, I go over what he told me.
“Now probably isn’t a good time to catch me.”
“I am emotionally distant.”
“I’m just trying to be friendly.”
“I think you may be right.” – when I mentioned that I didn’t feel he was into me.
He has tried to engage me in texts,calls, emails. I changed my number.Not going to convince some dude that I’m good enough.
I’m sooo glad it was only 6 months though. Love this site and the books!!
Now probably isn’t a good time to catch me.” – He’s right because he’s not trying to be caught and it’s never going to be a good time.
“I am emotionally distant.” – He means that he is emotionally distant and he has no desire to be any different. He gave you a get out option.
“I’m just trying to be friendly.” – Don’t see meaning where there is no meaning. Should you call him on anything he says or does, this statement will absolve of him of any responsibility.
“I think you may be right.” – I am agreeing with you because you probably are speaking the truth but I also think by agreeing that you’ll shut up and go. I don’t want to discuss this and I don’t want to change.
I know exactly why my relationships have not worked and it wasn’t always the AC. I contributed by not communicating my needs properly, being too nice, and denying my own needs to accomodate him, just to name a few.
The line of “When people tell you who they are — believe them.” That’s spot on 🙂
And that awareness will start to set you free. You now know that hinting and hoping are no substitute for real communication, that being too nice creates poor results, especially when you’re being ‘nice’ for the wrong reasons, and that by denying your own needs, it’s denying yourself.
Ouch. This is so me.
I’ve gone out with so many people with “issues” and am only just starting to deal with the fact that major issue here is me.
One of my oldest friends once told me “this isn’t about the men you are with, this is about you.” I don’t mean that in a self-blame way… I know I have lots of great qualities but if I keep putting myself in the same situation time and time again things will never change.
And I just read the polar opposites article, thank you for that. Again, it’s me, I swing between different men and they produce the same results (me acting crazy in an attempt to change them/wait it out, and guess what, it never does).
Appreciate the insight from this site.
You are the only common denominator. Look at what you’re contributing and you change everything. Look at what they’re doing, and you’ll be stuck. Glad the articles helped!
There is an old saying “Familiarity breeds contempt”. This means that the more you know something or someone, the more you start to find faults and dislike things about it or them.
At the start of a relationship aren’t both parties on their best behavior and have their rose-colored glasses on. It isn’t the real them/us, we all do it but no one can keep that up forever. People really do show us how they really are sooner or later, its just too bad its always later.
This weekend I’m going to spend it taking a good hard look at who I am not who I want. I’m taking off the glasses and digging deep. I don’t look for it to be pretty but hopefully by Monday I’ll have a better insight into just what makes me tick. How can I hope to find someone if I don’t even know where I’m going. I don’t want someone with tons of baggage so why should I expect them to just accept mine without question.
The only one who needs to change is me. Change always brings a different result.
My mum used to say that to me – lol. One of the things I know about poor relationships where there are illusions and dubious relationship habits is that the very things that we ignore early on in the relationship are the very things that come back to bite us. So familiarity in a situation where there are little or no boundaries or a foundation will certainly breed contempt. Change is something that people are scared of, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do it. We have to, to get results.
When it comes down to it, I am too nice. I was doing OLD for a couple of years and put down all the qualities about me that I thought were good “selling points”: loyalty, honesty, kindness, compassion, letting little things go…While these are great selling points to my girlfriends, who all treat me with these traits, it has only translated into me getting trampled by men.
The ex husband who emotionally abused me for 20 years, saying EVERYTHING was my fault to the point where I believed him. He’d tell me that there was no point in my leaving because I was no prize and who would ever want me. There was the one who turned me into an FWB without my realizing it, the ones who had strict rules for me (Don’t call us, we’ll call you…don’t ask what I was doing last night, etc.). I put up and shut up; I wanted to be cool, modern, blah, blah, blah. Then, of course, there was the one who went completely cold after 5 months and showing me off at a client dinner. When he finally got back to me two weeks later, he said that while I was nice, at this point he’d rather do work on his house.
All these men told me how kind, considerate, loving, wonderful I was. Yet their actions never went along with their words. They sucked me dry. The man who disappeared was my first true foray into NC and it worked like a charm. Gave me a lot of insite into my value because now I took the time to really think about what I was doing to add to the drama.
I immediately met another man who, on paper, is seriously, seriously flawed. But for the first time, I have met someone who seems just as interested in me as I am in him. I can call anytime. I can ask him what he’s been doing/where he’s been and he answers the question without looking at me like I am an intrusive bitch. In fact, he usually volunteers the information before I even ask. He expects the same treatment from me. The sad part is, that after having been burned by these other guys I am finding myself unable/unwilling to put down my guard and let him in. He has noticed it, noticed the way I have a hard time looking him in the eye when I am talking about the way I feel about something.
Part of me would like to throw myself at this relationship full throttle, but part of me really wants to back off thinking that once I let my guard down I’ll be dumped. I really don’t know which way to go, so I am focusing on me again, going to a therapist to find out why I can’t have a successful relationship
You know what – there are lot of men that are ‘great on paper’ not up to much in reality and that’s because there will be too much focus on superficial stuff that does not add real value to a relationship. You may discover that some of the things that you regard as flaws are not flaws at all, much like some of the things you’ve been previously attracted to are actually flaws.
“My contributions felt like a lot because I was choosing to expend a lot of energy on futile relationships with people who wanted a loaf in exchange for crumbs. I could have chosen differently, not least because every one of these guys made me miserable and depleted my self-esteem but it was easier to see myself as the party that was hit by a run of bad luck…”
Oh my god, this is me all over!!!
What’s funny is that this little “formula” gets all screwed up in my head. It goes something like,
-choose a guy who feels “beneath you,” but also safe, because the other really smart, gorgeous guys that you REALLY want scare you
-try to find good things in the other guys that aren’t totally a good fit
-get sucked into a relationship because, hey, someone wants you! Suddenly they start to look better.
-be subtly, and then more overtly disappointed, as you ignore red flags and put all your focus on them and how it’s not working for you
-try harder, because you’ve invested your emotions and bonded to them through sex, even though you still totally have mixed feelings
-wait for them to change… which they don’t
-be upset, because you “tried so hard” and it still didn’t work
-one of you breaks up (almost doesn’t matter who)
-lament your “bad luck”
-repeat with your next romantic prospect
The bottom line is it really IS easier to focus/blame the other person, instead of looking at yourself and your areas of low self-esteem. Issues of self-worth are at the heart of the matter.
Great comment which really highlights the cycle of what we put ourselves through and all of this points to not wanting to be real about ourselves and believing that it’s them not us, so we don’t see a reason to change, we just think we’re a woman with a lot of love to give who has been misunderstood. Stay focused on you.
After reading Mr.Unavailable books, I realized some of my commitment phobe ways and WOW!I can see where I overestimated some of my qualities and kept going after the same guy that looked different. So, taking time off to be with ME. Not dating right now or casual sex.
Good for you! The break will do you good and will let you see clearly.
I plan to reread this many times. It is truly a fantastic post.
I love the Maya Angelou quote. The married man I foolishly got involved with told me what kind of person he was from the VERY beginning.
“I am a serial adulterer. I’ve cheated on my wife almost constantly.”
“I’ve been to Sex Addicts Anonymous.”
“I want to make love to almost every woman I meet.”
This was all admission coming freely from his own lips. Clearly a man who could only offer crumbs, at best. Perhaps I was insouciant. Perhaps I overestimated what I could bring to the table to change him. I am currently in therapy to figure out why.
Best of luck to all the healing hearts that Natalie is so generously helping!
Wow. The man is shameless and he is letting you know up front that he is incapable of controlling himself – or may that he has no desire to. If you get too involved, he’ll remind you that he said he was these things. Really, it’s a secret test. If he tells you this stuff and you’re still around, he deduces that you’re the type of woman that he can do this to and that you don’t value yourself. He’ll think ‘Yep, there’s another one who thinks she’ll change me. We’ll see about that!’
@ Raven H……… I think we may have dated the same guy, I heard all those things w/ the last EUM I dated !!
@ Shoshy – yikes! it was the weirdest thing ever…. The ending didn’t hurt as much as i thought.Realization: I wasn’t that into him either.
So what was I doing for 6 months? Getting my occasional validation shots and feeding his ego.
Here we go again, back to my human Services classes. The S on your chest may stand for Superman to you, but really, it stands for sucka. Jim, Carroll, my instructor forIntroduction to Counseling, always advised his students to judge our work by the quality of our offer, not by the quality of what we receive. I can totally manipulate that to areas of my life outside of the field. Since I still don’t have any desire to be in a relationship, I’ll be the one asking the girl specific questions to help her help herself figure out what she really wants, where she really wants to go, where she really is, how she can really contribute to a relationship, etc. Me on the other hand, still has time to myself.
“The S on your chest may stand for Superman to you, but really, it stands for sucka.” – Too funny.
Funny, but true.