To recap, on the key points:
The inaccuracy connects a disconnect between you both because you’re more focused on your vision of things than attempting to see things from the other person’s perspective or meeting their needs.
Be careful of believing your own hype and have an honest conversation with yourself because whilst it is great to champion yourself, it shouldn’t be to the exclusion of recognising when you may be engaging in behaviours that are counterproductive to having a healthy relationship.
Neither sex responds well to being repeatedly told that they are not meeting someone’s needs.
We often decide what people need based, not on what they actually need, but on what we believe we have the ability to give, or what we’d like to get back ourselves.
Do not disregard what people tell and show you about themselves and assume you know better. There’s seeing the good in people and there’s projecting and hoping way too much. People always show and tell you who they are – you just need to be listening and watching.
There comes a point when you either have to accept the person as they are and stop complaining, or get out of the relationship, or deal with change you can influence by adapting your own behaviours.
We often overestimate what we bring to the relationship table and have ‘inadvertent’ superiority complexes choosing what we perceive as unworthy companions and hoping they’ll be grateful.
If you choose a limited man, who can only give you a limited relationship, your contribution can only be limited, which means your contribution really isn’t all that much.
Several years ago, I knew a man who suffered with Those Who Doth Protest Too Much syndrome – in fact I’ve known many men and women with it. Every time I saw him he’d say ‘I love my wife’ several times in this big declaration and ‘I’m a nice guy’, like he needed to make some sort of point. As I suspected, he was cheating.
The likes of online dating has taught a lot of people that we must be able to almost do a drill off our qualities and characteristics, which feeds into people having misguided ideas about compatibility, type, and common interests, and valuing the wrong things.
The reality is, how people learn about you isn’t through what you say, but through the actions that demonstrate who you are, that are hopefully in line with what you say about yourself.
There are a lot of ‘nice’ guys out there but as I have said many a time before, nice people who really are that nice don’t keep telling you about it. You have to ask yourself who they’re trying to convince – you…or them.
Personal security lets you have enough self-esteem and confidence that you can be comfortable in your own skin and let things be. You will want to show who you are through consistent action rather than declaring who you are because you can trust yourself to be around people who are likeminded, and will recognise and value you. The people who don’t value you, you’ll tell them to bounce. You’ll also be highly uncomfortable deviating from your core, authentic self to morph to suit someone’s agenda while losing yourself in the process.
And so it’s important to evaluate what you’ve been saying about yourself, which may even have become your ‘script’ as you may have illusions about who you are and your relationship contributions.
That’s not taking on blame for other people’s behaviour; it’s about being accountable, because no matter what we tell ourselves, we are 100% accountable for where we are and we are always making choices even when we don’t think we are.
Don’t just look at things through your eyes (generally the most comfortable view) and consider the other meaning of your actions. Remember, communication is only as good as how it is received at the other end so it’s important to recognise whether what you intended to be communicated is actually what was understood.
Ask yourself: what am I seeing that he doesn’t see? What is he seeing that I’m not seeing?
If you want to get wise, imagine the other ‘possible interpretations’ of your qualities and relationship contributions or put yourself in their shoes.
I did everything for him. Even though we didn’t live together, I made sure his dinners were always made, washed his clothes, cleaned his home, and even took care of his kids. I don’t think I was expecting too much when I wanted him to be more solid about where we were headed/propose/move in/buy a home together. – Unless his ‘criteria’ for choosing a woman is having someone who is anticipating his every waking need and being a cook, cleaner, babysitter, nursemaid etc, this type of overgiving is misplaced, not least because you’re doing all of these things with an expectation. Women that overgive often do so because they don’t believe that they have ‘enough’ to hold someone’s interest. If he told you to do this stuff, it’s one thing, but if he didn’t, you were likely expending energy on the wrong things. You may even have found yourself expecting him to be grateful and reflect it back in love, plus many women use this type of overgiving to cloud out other less desirable behaviours in the relationship – no matter how much you cook and clean, if you are emotionally demanding or controlling, for instance, it’s not likely to be blocked out by a big dinner. You also can’t do the ‘I’m indispensable, you should change for me’ routine.
I gave him everything I had and loved him unconditionally – You may think you showed how much you loved him and how reliable and dependable you are, but the flipside is that you showed him how little you loved and respected yourself by having no boundaries, showed him you were a soft touch, and that he could depend on you to be there even if he was never there for you.
I stuck by him through thick and thin even though he cheated/lied/never actually said we were in a relationship – That’s a big ‘contribution’ but you may have again shown that there was no limit to how badly he could treat you or abuse the relationship. He also demonstrated that he didn’t have to give much to get ‘full’ commitment from you. These types of situation are based on illusion and denial so you are using loyalty to cloud the fact that you’re unable to keep it real.
I waited X years for him when I could have moved on with someone else. Or, he promised me he’d leave and then he moved onto someone else. – It’s very emotionally depleting to be involved with someone who is attached but it’s one of the most ‘limited’ type of relationships you can get. If an affair goes on for a lengthy period of time, they don’t think you’re loyal – they think you’re a mug. Your patience and loyalty is more about being trapped in indecision and avoiding a full relationship where you have to be fully committed.
People don’t see what you see about yourself and your contributions, either because they see a totally different version of events, they don’t value it, or you may be under illusions.
You cannot make people see what they don’t see or what they have no interest in seeing, so if you’re not on the same page in how things that each of you do are being communicated, you’ll have a conflict of interest.
With seeing your contribution differently, the examples above go to show the flipside of what seems like admirable relationship behaviour. Whilst there is such a thing as a miscommunication, it’s not really a miscommunication when you do X and the other party decides that it’s Y and takes advantage of the flipside of your intentions, and you continue to do X.
People who do things on their terms, always find ways to turn a situation and your behaviour to their advantage, but likewise, by continuing in the behaviour despite the fact that it only yields a negative result, it shows how you’re engaging in relationship insanity – doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results because you’d rather they changed.
You can’t force someone to value what they don’t value because what you value is tied to your value system.
For those of you who choose dubious partners to try to have ‘great’ relationships with, it’s important to remember this:
Much like when you say that you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep, if you get involved with dubious partners, by the very act of you being with them and continuing to, despite them showing you (and possibly telling you) who they really are, they deduce that your value is far less than what you think.
Illusions have no place in relationships and if you live in denial and cling to illusions, you cannot and will not see your own actions clearly or accurately, never mind theirs.
It also means that you’re not really ‘in’ the relationship because really, it’s all going on in your head with a special pair of goggles that let’s you see things in the way that you want.
Like I spoke about in part one and also in my posts about knowing when to work at your relationship, and actually in many posts, you need to be prepared to be very honest with yourself and bring about real change in yourself. It’s important to be authentic which allows you to have more authentic relationships.
Really, the big lesson to be learned from understanding why you may not see your qualities and contributions more accurately is to get out of your comfort zone, be different/adapt, and stop expecting people to change or for the planets to align, or for a man to fall out of the sky so that you get to stay as you are. Challenge yourself to look at you differently so that you can empower yourself to make different and better choices for relationships. You can keep saying and doing the same things, but not much is going to change – the choice is yours.
Your thoughts?
Your thoughts?
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There’s always a line in your posts. This time it was:
“You can’t force someone to value what they don’t value because what you value is tied to your value system.”
I think I finally heard that one. Thanks
I used to think that ‘value system’ was to do with personal ethics but I realise from what you’ve written it’s simpler.- so if a man values a woman who cooks and is a good hostess, the fact that you’re a good listener and can tell funny stories (random examples!) simply doesn’t fit what he’s looking for? But it also makes me think that I haven’t been clear enough about what I value – again beyond ethics and to things that are much more basic, like phoning if they’re going to be late, or knowing when to give me a hug So when I’m clear about what I value, I won’t be allowing myself to be convinced that certain things ‘don’t matter’ (as if that was generalisable) when they DO actually matter TO ME!
Raven,
I feel the same way you do about this post.
It’s been a real eye-opener for me.
It’s also helped my self-esteem no end.
I love your example —
“so if a man values a woman who cooks and is a good hostess, the fact that you’re a good listener and can tell funny stories (random examples!) simply doesn’t fit what he’s looking for”
Somehow, it feels so much less personal.
Almost like — I’m yellow, he values red.
That doesn’t make yellow “wrong” or “not good enough”
(And I’m certainly not going to waste my time trying
to turn myself into red!)
I also totally relate to what you wrote about being more clear with yourself about what your own values really are.
I’ve decided to figure out and actually write down the qualities that I truly need and value in myself and a partner.
(Not what society values, not what my parents value, not what my friends value, etc.)
I feel like for the first time in my life, I’m in control.
I finally get it.
Thanks NML.
And thanks, Raven, for your comments,
I always enjoy reading them.
Oh Nat, that hit me right between the yes.
As usual, your post was incisive and correct. I love the highlighted parts in bold the most. It shows unvarnished truth.
I’m an angry, unhappy, bitter, self-pitying woman right now, facing unpleasant reality.
I can see what I’ve done wrong, it’s not that I’m blind anymore.
It’s just that while I can and do cope now on my own, it’s not because I’ve become the Mother Theresa of loving, peaceful calmness – just that now I avoid the idea of men altogether.
Don’t get me wrong – that’s okay with me. I’ve accepted not wanting to date, let alone having a mate, ever. For quite a few reasons.
I just have to confess that I’m an uber-bitch in my venting and complaining.
Even if it means I’m seeing clearly now, it isn’t with a sunny disposition.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Caterpillar to Butterfly =-.
Aurora, I can relate to what you are saying, because I have found myself in a similar place to you. The only difference is that instead of anger and bitterness. I just feel incredible sadness…because unlike you I never had blinders on. I knew exactly who I was dealing with, but I went on the trip anyway. I think that made it worst for me. I also feel that I need to decide not to be involved ever again…..well that would be an easy but lonely road.
I pray that you still give love and yourself a chance, because you are worth it.
I gotta say, this is the most “foreign” of all the articles I’ve read on this site…which probably means that it will have the most meaning for me (once I understand it)! I really think I have had blinders on when it comes to my behavior in relationships. Thanks for forcing me to step back and “think outside the box.”
I too had a lightbulb moment about myself. I’ve been angry – actually I still am angry still – but I’ve also been going through this cycles of saying that I ‘get it’ and then taking a few steps forward and then stepping back because I become afraid of doing the work. Then I get angry. I get some more insight and I’ll then say that I ‘get it’ and then get complacent again. It’s no wonder I’m going nowhere because I’m holding myself back and then getting angry and complaining about how I’m stuck. Me – Ive got no more energy to try to change people. I cringe at the level of control I’ve been trying to exert. Hopefully next time I comment here I’ll really be living and learning my lesson instead of talking about it.
“Your patience and loyalty is more about being trapped in indecision and avoiding a full relationship where you have to be fully committed.”
This in a nutshell is me! I am not blind to the men I am attracted to and the wool they are trying to pull over my eyes. It’s just that for some reason I have decided to put up with that instead of a real relationship. Which doesn’t make sense because if I’m trying to avoid hurt, I have chosen the more hurtful route. When it comes to a man I take seriously.. for a relationship, I feel like my BS meter never allows me to choose one because I don’t see any who are worth that kind of committment. Wow! I never actually put that in words before.
I guess I am more comfortable being casual and not taking seriously a man I don’t trust than allowing myself to trust a man for real and hope he doesn’t screw me over! Classic committment phobe?!
I see that in a different way now. We can be so focused on ourselves, that we don’t even see the other person for who they are, or really care to – we just push our so called “greatness” onto them, almost wanting attention from anyone willing to look at us or let us pour our energy onto them for our own picture of what we want. So even -if- in that state we could attract a “good man” – he wouldn’t stay because we would be projecting our wants and needs onto him, in essence in not loving ourselves, we can’t love anyone else and care about their needs and desires, it’s all about us. Until we learn to love ourselves, I see as you said we won’t have to project our greatness – we will be confident in who we are and what we want, yet we will be willing to love another in a healthy way.
These three articles have resonated with me as I’ve been coming to terms with what I thought I offered my last boyfriend and how I saw his needs/values etc. The problem is, I honestly don’t know what I have to offer someone if I don’t run around after them. It’s rapidly becoming apparent to me just how low my self esteem is, even with female friends who have been so lovely and kind about my qualities since I broke up with the EUM a month ago. Every time they say something nice about me, my automatic thought is ‘That’s not true’.
HOW do you overcome low self esteem? How do you start to value WHO you are? I know that a lot of my poor self image comes from a lifetime of being put second best behind my mother, as well as childhood bullying. Is therapy the only answer? Or is there another way? 🙁
Holly: What is helping me build my self-esteem is 1) exploring what I really like to do – social activities, hobbies, sports and focus my time on doing those things. 2) I have been spending time with the people that show in their actions everyday that they love and care about me – family and close friends. 3)Giving my time and energy to charitable organizations.
All of these things keep me busy, make me feel good. And the more time that passes, the more I respect myself and the love I have for myself has grown. Don’t know if this will work for you, but this has been my process and I am slowly starting to find and love myself.
Holly,
I really would love to learn how to change, also. I am getting to the point where, after one EUM after another and less and less pride, I am really scared. I don’t know if I will ever be a good partner to anyone, and I don’t know if anyone will ever want me anyway.
If I’m not running after them, will any run after me?
Thanks shoelover. I have been keeping really busy this month and am making loads of plans for the coming months too. Am in no hurry to return to dating and have decided that these next few months are for me and my friends. I already work for a charity, which is really fulfilling.
I’ve also realised how low I set my standards in other relationships and how that in turn makes me feel lower, so I’m doing my best to recognise that and end friendships that do me no good.
Lissa, I guess we just have to work on ourselves for now and not worry about the men for a while. I am learning to validate myself without the attention of men and I know that will go some way to helping my confidence.
I have to tell myself that it’s only been a month and is really early days.
Just as Raven said above, there is always at least one statement in your blog that stands out.
“We often overestimate what we bring to the relationship table and have ‘inadvertent’ superiority complexes choosing what we perceive as unworthy companions and hoping they’ll be grateful.”
I know I have been there! What this one line says to me is that we genuinely need to go within and ensure our inner beliefs match our conscious beliefs. eg if we are positive on the outside and everyone cannot understand why we are still single – there will be a blockage. We need to unblock it!!!
There are many programs and strategies to do this. I for one am choosing to walk the talk, so have recently joined a coaching program to blast out any hindrances to my dream life… and wow the stuff that has been coming up just in the last few weeks (aside from tears – of healing!!).
When you ready, the teacher will be there. I for one, choose life in abundance!
Wishing you success in finding your true love.
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Part 3 Become Successful and Live Your Life =-.
This post has so many pearls of wisdom. Low self esteem plays such a huge role in why women often choose to be with the wrong man, or stay in a relationship long after it’s expiration date. It really is okay to be alone. I love the saying, “It is better to be alone and healthy than sick with someone else.”
Of all the “lightbulbs” in this series (and there are SO many), the one that glares out in flashing red letters as if it were meant just for me might be:
“We often overestimate what we bring to the relationship table and have ‘inadvertent’ superiority complexes choosing what we perceive as unworthy companions and hoping they’ll be grateful.”
Wow… it combines low self-worth with compensatory posturing and believing one’s own hype, with flat-out laziness. And what do women like me expect in “gratitude” from these “unworthy” men that we choose… loyalty? praise? hero-worship? Someone who can “blow smoke” for us ALMOST as well as we do it for ourselves? How BADLY do women like me really feel the need to “be the exception”? I have to ask myself how much of this is emotional/developmental laziness on my part? Why have I spent YEARS choosing men who should be “grateful” rather than cultivating enough personal growth to feel truly worthy of someone who is NOT feeding my self-indulgent illusions while performing emotional sleight-of-hand and robbing me blind?
Thanks for holding up the mirror, NML.
Now where do I go from here?