You deserve better than being with someone who thinks they’re so special while treating you in a less than manner. Stop blowing smoke up their bum and inflating their value – it’s like worshipping a false idol! That’s not a relationship – it’s being a groupie, fanatic or even worshipper. Are they changing the world? Have they come up with a cure for cancer? Did they create the world?
Never position someone anywhere in your mind or even your life, where they can look down on you. Be equal, or bounce.
You deserve better than talking and thinking badly about yourself. Stop dogging you (that’s running yourself down not the shady sexual antics in car parks…), because chip chip chipping away at yourself is like removing the protective coating off the exterior of your home – it leaves you vulnerable to people and situations that will continue to damage your structure. It’s awful when you overhear someone talking about you behind your back – it’s even worse when someone shittalks to your face…which is what you’re doing.
You deserve better than being a bit on the side. Oh they may call you their ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’, ‘soul mate’, ‘best friend’ and yada yada yada but that’s like when actors get producers credits for a film without actually producing, or when someone’s given a title at work without the job to go with it. They’re married/attached – that’s game over, no credits. It doesn’t matter if they have a trillion excuses and a host of plans and promises – you’re a sideline piece. You don’t need to be scratching around for the dregs of a relationship. Stop treating them like they’re the last person on earth.
You deserve better than chasing someone in the hope that they’ll finally ‘let’ you ‘win’ them. How long can you keep running for? It’s like signing up to a long distance marathon with no end to it – it’s exhausting and even debilitating. Nobody is that special that they warrant you chasing them for their attention, validation, and eventually your dignity for months or even years on end.
You deserve better than a ‘faux friendship’ when you want a relationship. You’ve got plenty of friends – you don’t need one that’s trying to eff with your mind or eff you and enjoy other fringe benefits of a relationship without the commitment. No ‘friend’ needs to get to know you by lying on top of you or having you worrying yourself into a state about why they don’t want more or why they’re sending mixed messages.
If you’re getting mixed messages it means you’re getting contradiction which means their actions and words don’t match which means back away. Fast.
You deserve better than an excuse filled relationship whether it’s yours or theirs. Stop lying to yourself so that you can make way for a relationship with substance instead of hot air.
You deserve better than fannying away your time wanting back someone that didn’t even treat you well. Value your life. How much time have you really got to sit around and ruminate about another person trying to work out what they think, feel, and do? How much time have you got to analyse? To ponder their next move? To avoid thinking about you? To avoid being a doer? To continue investing your time and energy into a ‘relationship’ that still, after all these months or even years doesn’t exist yet?
You deserve better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you. Let me tell you from personal experience and the observation of thousands of readers over the past six years – waiting around is degrading. It says “You are so important and special that I will sack off my life and wait around on the off chance that you will choo-choo-choose me.”
They’ve already chosen. You have. The choosing happens at the outset and every day we have to keep choosing that person – that’s a relationship. To continue to wait around for someone who hasn’t frickin chosen you, is to keep choosing not to be chosen. It’s like saying “I’m giving you a chance to make a different choice because I don’t like the choice you’ve made. Again.” Choose you, before you lose you.
You deserve better than being thrown crumb communication of texts (and sexts), emails, Facebook posturing, instant messages. You’re not thirteen. Nuff said.
You deserve better than a fantasy relationship. Stop fearing intimacy and having to stretch yourself in real situations.
You deserve better than being repeatedly rejected by someone. Two times (I know most people love a ‘second chance’) and then after that, it’s “See ya!” If you keep giving someone the opportunity to reject you, they will keep rejecting you because they know that they’re free to treat you this way and come back and pull the same stunts again.
You deserve better than going back to a relationship that has previously broken for all the right reasons. Don’t undo what was actually a good decision in your best interests because of your ego. You don’t need someone to make you the exception for it to be ‘love’ – stop trying to get love out of unlikely and broken places. Trust that your decisions are right and stop looking back.
You deserve better than being treated like hooker or a gigolo. Being objectified for sex will eat away at whatever self-esteem you have left. Nobody’s vagina or penis is that special. If you know that you struggle to deal with the emotional consequences of having sex, do not feel bad about knowing your limits and stop providing sexual service. You cannot use sex as back door entry into a relationship.
You deserve better than lies and abuse. Where you make room for them, more will follow and mushroom. People who take their time and look for smaller and medium sized action and matching talk, are not as prey to Future Faking – alarm bells should be ringing if the intensity and level of promises is disproportionate to the amount of time you know one another, or even how much you know. How can someone be telling you they love you when you don’t even know where they live? As for abuse, don’t reason or investigate it – just bounce. How many excuses you’ll make governs how deep you’ll get into an unhealthy situation.
You deserve better than thinking the worst. There’s better out there for you, believe it. There’s better experiences, better sense of self, better relationships, a better everything – a better mentality has to be a part of this. Stop looking for any ‘ole excuse to believe that the stories you tell yourself about why you can’t do this and you can’t do that and how you’ll never have a healthy relationship or that the world is full of jackasses. So what if yet another dodgy article gets published with dumb statistics about the lack of men, or divorce rates, or all the good black men are gone? It’s all a crock. And this is one particularly for the ladies – all this BS isn’t aimed at men as they don’t pay attention! Neither should we!
You deserve better than…‘this’, whatever ‘this’ is – relationship insanity is carrying the same baggage, beliefs and behaviours, choosing the same types of people or even the same person, and expecting a different result. You deserve better than being trapped in your own groundhog day.
Be thankful for these ‘opportunities’ that reveal where you need to batten down the hatches and fix your broken windows and allow you to benefit from the lessons of reality. These ‘opportunities’ show you what doesn’t work for you and when people show you their arses, it’s OK – it’s not about you. What is about you, is you and what you do next when you’re presented with a situation that you know you need to back away from. You deserve better than talking yourself into another shady situation.
Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers!
Your thoughts?
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Hi Natalie, love this post!
“So what if yet another dodgy article gets published with dumb statistics about the lack of men, or divorce rates, or all the good black men are gone? It’s all a crock. And this is one particularly for the ladies – all this BS isn’t aimed at men as they don’t pay attention! Neither should we!”
There aren’t any good men out there for women over 40,50,60… this is also BS and I have not heard yet any single male friend or coworker or neighbor or whatever male say: there aren’t any good single women at my age to date.
Thank you Natalie for your wonderful website and Happy Thanksgiving to everybody.
I’m 52 and I’m dating. They’re out there. You have to weed through the attachment disordered ones, the ones who just want the sex, etc. But you have to do that in every age group, don’t you?
Hell, if I didn’t know better from these posts, I’d say there aren’t any men in their 20s and 30s that are decent!
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this! 🙂
Yay! Great post Natalie!
We all of us deserve to be loved. And the person we most deserve to be loved by is our ourselves.
And that’s my tuppence worth.
Amen, Amen, Amen, and a Hallelujah!
Thank you, Natalie. On this almost eve of our Thanksgiving holiday, I am grateful for this blog, my dear friends (canine included), and to finally finally finally have summoned up some self-esteem, self-respect, and this-is-where-I-draw-the-line-I’ve-had-enough boundaries. Am grateful to finally seeing the light! Are those trees?… LOL! Hollah!
Happy T-day, fellow Americans, and to all, may your blessings be many, and your days be full of pie and all good things!
Amen to that! I think I actually love you!
You are awesome! Thanks so much for writing this wonderful truth. It is definitely something I needed to “hear” right now as I am just a few weeks out of a short dating relationship that was not my decision to end. People are hard to let go of sometimes and this certainly helps getting my thoughts on the right track.
Thank you for this impowering post. These are all true.
Thank you for being such a help for me in the past year
Happy thanksgiving ! 🙂
This is your absolute best post yet! Thank you! You hit everything with one punch! Thank you! <3
Hiya Natalie!
It’s been a while since I’ve posted a comment because I’ve been off living my so much better life in my assclown free zone. But I really love this article because it sums up absolutely everything I’ve learned from you and is a neat synopsis of your wonderful philosophy. Since I first found you almost three years ago,I’ve doggedly been applying all aspects of those three magical words,”You deserve better” to every aspect of my life and ya know what?? It really works.I no longer have any use whatsoever for dodgy,flaky people, either male or female and the old attraction to the bad boys is well and truly over. So a big thanks,Nat and hope you and yours are all well.xx
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the U.S., and I am so freaking thankful for you, Natalie!
Amen!!!!
PREACH sistah. I was banging on the table and stomping my feet like I was in church. You are saving. my. life.
Nat, thank you, thank you, thank you! This VERY day I have sooo needed this very topic brought up and used to smack me between the eyes! My assclown ex, after almost two months of disappearing behavior, emailed me out of the blue apologizing. What’s so wrong with that, you say? Because it was so about him, in it he rewrote history as if we BOTH were responsible for “all the pain” inflicted “on each other”! It is 99% his lying, manipulating, disappearing over and over, for five years, and now he wants me to understand and forgive him! WTF? I am done doing things for him while he trots away unscathed. My marriage ended over the affair… I understand completely, joe snow, how you are not taking responsibility save for the tiniest bit, and ssppprreeeaadinggg it out to me as if I inflicted all the pain on you. He future faked and all the rest of the “fakes”- years worth, but in the last year hit and run was his favorite game- build me up, set me up, make plans, tell me all kinds of sweet things, then vanish, rarely coming through with a thing!
This article and the other great one about how they often ask for forgiveness so THEY make themselves feel better so they can move on without any guilt over effing up your life – both have been so helpful. He must have been your model for both those articles, and more. Don’t get me wrong, I have never once thrown in his face how he impacted my decision to divorce, or held him responsible for my choices. but his tone was so free of any real responsibilty especially for the cruel things he’s done. I have been trying to cut him off for a year,and we have rarely seen each other, but when nc was broken, it was ugly- for me.
He even finished his “apology” it by adding, AFTER his salutation, Gotta know you’re OK. Again, WTF? i haven’t heard a word from him before or since- he doesn’t care one bit about me, but that little comment sure makes him seem like such a “nice guy” – in his own scrawny self serving brain!… i am so angry, i’m not sure what to do – call him and bust his balls, or tell him to eff off in an email? I am normally a pretty sane, respectful, church goin girl, but tonight I’m feeling pretty Dr Jekyl, Mr. Hyde-
Thanks, Nat, i am weary of dealing with this man and wish it were over, but if i have to deal with it and the pain a little longer, I’m glad I have you and the others here to help out!
NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT WHAT-SO-EVER!!!!! He is only manipulating you for any word…written/spoken… from you – then he will be gone back into his own sick world. It will mess with him and hit him harder…WHEN HE HEARS NOTHING AT ALL FROM YOU!!!!!!! (read previous articles out of index to reinforce this).
Love You, AngelFace
@Tess
Ha you know what to do girl! Zilcho. Attention is all he is wanting. There is no care squeaking through those lines. No need to impute anything on it. Hit delete and look forward. Start something new today. And celebrate with me the ‘FREEDOMS’! Freedom from anxiety, freedom from expecting these EU’s to step up, freedom from wasting one wattage of energy on replying in any form, (think of it as not increasing your carbon imprint haha) freedom from the what ifs, the drama, the damage to our extended families as we take another hit of pain. Right now Forward everyone…..start making your dreams come true, plant new seeds. We are not those women anymore (that reply!) Call your best friend instead, kiss the dog and thank goodness we saw the back of them. Just one of my favourite Nat mantras, ‘if you are going to disappear on me you can stay disappearred’.
I think when Men do the houdini{DISSAPEARING}ACT,it is the most damaging thing to deal with,we want closure or answers as to why would someone do this?
I know it happenend to me,After 5 months,poof gone like the wind…No words Nothing,I have never in my life been so hurt and broken down,but the thing I learnt is that ITS NOT ABOUT ME!!!
This asshole was screwed up long before he met me,so if he were to try and contact me,what could he say???These guys dont deserve US..period,I still t this day wonder what I would do if he were to call,Honestly I dont know,but I am living oneday at atime,trying to get better and really Karmas a bitch:)….
Hang in there….Hugs from Canada
Brenda
This is quite a lovely post! I actually wrote a post also called “You Deserve Better” along similar lines, i.e. : 🙂
Thank you so much Natalie. I needed this right now. Everything that you said rings so true. These guys are time wasters and deserve not an ounce of our love and devotion. We think if we love them enough they will come around and realize our worth. Even though they might temporarily walk a straight line they always go back to who they are. We need to rid ourselves of these toxic guys and when they come back to us feel the strength we need to say NO especially when they have hurt us repeatedly. I know I can never trust my EUM to not hurt me. I will always be on unsteady ground with him and feel like I am treading water. Your posts are always a reality check for me. I have been strong but I am guilty of letting him live rent free in my head by allowing him to contact me and occasionally breaking the NC. It is a horrible idea and I go back to your posts and bam….it’s all there for me in black and white. Letting him back in my life is the worst idea I could ever have and you probably have saved me alot of pain. Back to NC I know I could do this!
Thank you for this post! A friend emailed it to me and it was exactly what I needed to read today.
Thank you! Just what I needed after having a day of missing my rude, artogant,lying and cheating ex that I have taken back more times then I can count over the last 6 years.
I just do not understand why I miss him so, it’s painful. Today I also found out he has got a new girlfriend after we finished just 2 weeks ago. He always have someone lined up… Oh dear,what is wrong with me…Missing a man like that?!?
I’m grateful for you posting this! Your blog is one of the FEW relationship blogs out there that focuses on the root of SUCCESSFUL or FAILED relationships. Thank you for all your empowering words, posts and sharp insights.
Once women realize what they deserve… than the chances of them being in a loving relationship significantly rises.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and even if you’re not in the states, always find something to be grateful for:)
much love,
Mika
So true Words Mika…Even for myself who honestly went thru every relationship with someone who was not good for me,because of this site,My values and belief system are higher than ever!!!!
I love Nats posts,and you know,she is not just some person trying to sugar coat things..She is a person of honesty and integrity and truly cares for us all…
Brenda
As always, Natalie, such powerful and inspiring words.
I would like to add my own “Thanks” for both you and your insights and this wonderful site that I somehow managed to stumble upon in my search for truth and understanding. It is something “right” that I did for ME and I am forever thankful for having done so 🙂
Happy Turkey Day to everyone in the US such as myself.
Not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner with my narcissistic sister and her drunk boyfriend, but I do it for my 80-year-old mother. For the last couple years I skipped Thanksgiving and went out of town to avoid the dysfunctional family stuff.
But my mom is pretty frail, she turned 80 this year, and I know it’s important to her, so I’ll suck it up and do it. I have some great strategies from my therapist to deal with the family narcissists. :p
Cheering Natalie, can you hear me?
Needed to read it,
Needed to feel it,
Loving Living it!!!
Bravo. I’ve had a few days of backtracking, thinking of the ex, feeling sad about the holidays, blah blah BS. This article helps me to see what he did as the gift that it really is. Peace out, arseface… Onward and upward for us all!
Thanks, as ever, Natalie. I have never felt as strong, stable and excited in my adult life as I do now, and it’s in large part because of the almost complete rebuild I had to do after the AC-tornado ripped through. I am grateful for the experience now. Some ambivalence – I still have some frames that are weaker than they were pre-AC, but, overall, awesome times! One related theme that struck me last night, at a writing and performing workshop-thingy I am doing: We (or at least I) need to stop being quite so narrow-minded about what we see as the world’s gifts. Mind the sudden waft of incense, but I was surrounded last night by positive, happy, supportive people, most of whom happened to be men. There was no (or trace) sub-text of mate-searching, it was just this great time, with everyone being open, creative and collaborative. I really do think we can get fixated on a narrow version of love, an exclusive relationship, which can set us up for all sorts of crazy and destructive behaviour, as per your list (especially the talking ourselves into crap, and holding onto it even though it stinks). There are many ways to experience (give and receive) love and warmth. I really think it’s worth getting some perspective on this, and not being so narrow-minded about the many other forms of connection in life.
I love you! : )
The timing couldn’t have been more perfect for this pep talk!
I’m so proud of myself and the progress I’ve made with help from your insights and advice. I just last week dodged a guy that had been calling me every other day for about 3 weeks…we met for coffee twice…2nd meeting he blurts out with hand over mouth, “I’m not really a relationship/marriage material kind of guy.” I saw a HUGE red flag and I looked at my phone and said, “Oh, I told myself I couldn’t stay past this time, I’d better go.” And then he proceeded to ask if I “wanted to hang out later that night?” Ugh. Told him straight up how his words didn’t match his actions. I’ll edit the rest of his crap. Sure enough he called me this last Monday. I ignored it. And I’m prepared for him to call again.
Thanks, Nat!!
What a profound post Nat!
I do deserve better than the scraps,the anger,the dissapearing acts,the hot and cold,the uncaring,the mean,the future faking,the Asshole that he is!!
I DO DESERVE BETTER!!!
Your amazing Nat,And to me,you were sent from Heaven….
Brenda
Oh my, so very true Natalie: “To continue to wait around for someone who hasn’t frickin chosen you, is to keep choosing not to be chosen”. It’ll be going on a year this December (19th) since the big break (although not final break cos I still had some yo-yo-ing to do because I couldn’t make a committment either being EUW) so it’s been a bit tough these last few days. Last Thanksgiving and a few weeks before I discovered BR, I remember thinking about how wonderful it would be if he could be with me, my daughter, and friends for lobster and prime rib (my daughter hates turkey). Oddly, even though he could slot it in and be with us, I chose not to invite him. It didn’t seem right. Now I realize it didn’t seem right because it wasn’t right. I was starting to chose me before I knew what I was doing. During an initial hot phase of NC, once I could breathe and take the focus off him, it was difficult to own my role in “choosing to not be chosen”. That’s precisely what I did. I chose to not be chosen. Oh, ouch: “How can someone be telling you they love you when you don’t even know where they live?” For two years, I didn’t have a clue where he lived. Still don’t. And now, it doesn’t matter. Talk about a relationshit. I loved the chapter on the OW in the new edition. I checked off almost all of the symptoms of an OW. I’ve been applying your advice on breaking the cycle and making me a priority. It’s not easy and I have to make a conscious effort to think about what nice things will I do for me today. I keep trying to give to me what I gave to him. I cook for me now sometimes, light the fire, and the candles. It’s a struggle but I get the point. I really do believe: “There’s better out there for you, believe it. There’s better experiences, better sense of self, better relationships, a better everything..” When we do the American round-robin of what we are grateful for, I am grateful for an amazing daughter who was raised in a dysfunctional environment and is excelling despite her parents, Natalie, and all of you. Most of all Natalie, I’m grateful for the realization that I deserve better. I’m not that woman anymore…that was a great post and has stuck with me for a year. Don’t know where I would be without you all. I’m so grateful for you, Natalie, your insights, and what you have created here. I hope you are proud…
This post came just when I needed it most, and, as usual, you hit the nail right on the head!
Natalie,
I just want to thank YOU this Thanksgiving day for your wonderful insights and writing and for helping me…and all the clients I have sent to your site…to honor themselves every day.
You are a true gift to so many…
My most hearfelt regards,
Donna Strauss
Psychotherapist
Advanced Psychotherapy & Healing Associates
Beautifully written Natalie!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and to the rest of the readers on this site as well! I am SO thankful for BR!!
I don’t have the emotional gumption to write anything at this moment so I’ll just say thanks for this post.
Thanks for this posting. It came at a great time for me. It’s the eve of Thanksgiving and I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, feeling rejected by a married man. It’s ridiculous. It wasn’t even a real relationship and it was likely never going to go anywhere, anyway. But I still fell for him and a month after he blew me off via e-mail, I’m still hurting and yes, feeling a little like I’m just not going to find that special someone. However, this posting helped me come back to reality a little. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thank you Natalie. Incredibly true and insightful. I’ve been going through this for the last two years and just ended it for the last time (after 8 previous attempts) last week. As I cry myself through each day wondering “how am I going to make it through without my best friend”…I got this today. And thank for reminding me that I am my best friend and yes, I’m hurting now. But I will no longer have to think about “sharing” him with the wife he left but then went back to, wondering if this is the night that they are sleeping together, and continually quieting my needs and wants. It’s demoralizing and I don’t have to do it any longer. I don’t know what else is out there for me….maybe nothing. But I have faith that my “best days” are out there and I’ll do it alone, rather than constantly taking 3rd, 4th place. It’s the Crazy-Train and I’m getting off.
You’re like the lil angel on my shoulder that talks me thru.. Nothing has spoken or speaks to me more than your articles. Investing time and energy into a relationship that doesn’t exist yet?!? Has my name all over it.. Now i can happily, finally say that i’m movin on, tho. His “drawer”at this house has been cleaned out! 😉 You’re a very smart chickie and I appreciate you. Happy thanksgiving to you and your family.
You know I have tears running down my face,I just feel so accepted,and understood by Nat and all of you Ladies out there…I cant wait to read every word everyone writes,and I dont think I could even begin to thank Nat enough for giving us a part of her strength till we find our own….
Brenda
Excellent Nat!
Thanks so much for this. I have my up and down days, but I have to believe there are better days ahead. Being involved with a sketchy man is awful. Never again. Love isn’t always perfect, but when it’s more about pain than joy, it’s not the real thing.
Yes yes yes oooooooh this is all the thanksgiving birthday Christmas and new year’s wishes I need!!!!!! Thank YOU. I will re-read daily–multiple times a day!!! Amen and Amen. So pragmatic and nitty gritty yet with the wisdom and power–and compassion– of the ancestors. Thank you
Love this post! It’s almost one year ago since I walked away from a pseudo- relationship that fit many of the categories listed. At the time, I was a total mess- weakened, defeated and highly insecure. Everyone kept repeating those three words to me “you deserve better”, but I didn’t believe them. I am proud to say that now, one year later – after much focus and work on myself, nobody needs to tell me I deserve better – I damn well KNOW I do. For all of you who are in similar weakened positions at the moment, please keep the faith and focus on your life and loving yourselves first.
I am nearly 4 months out and I still feel bad. I have my up and down
days and I’m just beginning to lose hope now. Its been 4 months!!! And I just cant be bothered for life at the moment. I left him yet he is getting on with his life and I am stuck wanting someone who didnt treat me that great. Pathetic.
Down and Out-
Be patient. It takes longer than four months to work through. It is a journey. Expect ups and downs. But make sure you do the work: get therapy, cut contact, surround yourself with people who enhance your life and don’t detract from it, write a letter to him with your feelings (don’t send!) exercise, etc. All the best 🙂
L,
Thank you for assuring me that It’s OK not to feel healed
at four months…thank you I think that’s what I needed to hear.
I feel abnormal for still feeling stuck about it all several months on, I’ve officially been NC now for about 6 weeks x
Not abnormal at all. And usually real healing starts after NC.
Stay strong. Healing will come 🙂
Oh How I feel your pain,I am so sorry you are feeling this way.Take heart,This too shall pass.I know it does not feel this way now,but it WILL get better.If You need to cry,cry..But its important to find some joy somewhere.Even if its short lived.
I found making it about him was easier to deal with.Dont get me wrong I am not perfect,but The more I took the focus off me I can see him more for what he is..Its not easy,I lost myself in this destructive man,my selfworth,selfesteem,were at all time lows..
And yes he is moving on…But honestly were are they going?No where….To destroy someone elses life,they are unwilling to help themselves and will remaim stuck forever….And we…well we will be stronger,wiser,and ready for the love we deserve!!
Brenda
Thank you for this! Especially “you deserve better then thinking the worst-there’s better out there for you, believe it!” I REALLY needed this today, you have no idea…you read my mind! Its really hard some days to believe there’s any better out there…it’s so hard to believe this some days. THANK YOU xo
I have recently begun NC with my EU “ex”. It’s been about 2 weeks and this post came at the perfect time. There are days that I need to be reminded that I do deserve better. Why is it so easy to forget such a simple concept? The “ex” would even tell me this all the time himself “You deserve better than this.” So I finally told him….”You’re right, I do….and I can’t find it if we continue talking. So goodbye.” It felt so empowering but then of course all the negative and doubtful feelings began creeping in. I continue to fight them away each day. Thanks so much for your posts Natalie, they give me the strength to keep the focus on me.
Natalie can I send this to my ex? The first paragraph especially ran true to me. My ex always had a chip on his shoulder. And treated me like crap. I would love to insult him, like the way he used to insult me. I font know why he has such a superiority complex.
FedUp
No, you can’t.
It’s not for him to believe, it’s for you/us.
I really needed to read this tonight. I’ve actually been reading all your articles as much as possible the last couple days. I keep catching myself on so many things you’ve written about thinking, “…oh yeah.. you do that….you’re still doing that.” haha. thank you for all of your writing, you have no idea how much it’s helping.
Nat…this year has been a tough one for me personally and in my family. Yrt today as I read it, gives me hope that I can and will get through whatever ‘this’ is! Thanks so much for encouraging women to better themselves and for helping us believe that we are so damn worth it. I especially want to thank you for being so awesome when we met and giving me great advice. It’s time for me to love me! 🙂
This is so incredibly true. Every woman who has every despaired of being in a good relationship needs to read this and believe it.
Wow this post is the slap in the face I needed to wake up.
I have been NC with EUM for 3 weeks and today was a “bad day”. Couldn’t stop thinking about and missing him.
Nobody deserves anything less than the best. Don’t put up with his shit because there is somebody out there who WILL appreciate your effort and love.
Thanks Natalie, you are an inspiration to women everywhere.
Believe it! That is the key phrase. Your books, your posts, your videos and your readers made be believe again. I’m grateful.
Along with your “Be Thankful that They Didn’t Show Up…” post and the glorious, chest-thumping, “I’m Not that Woman: An Ode…” this is another one for me to copy and carry around in my purse “in case of emergency.” Thank you for the Thanksgiving wishes and the help you give here.
Good timing , great post Natalie! I just starting dating someone new and he is so nice, real, genuiune and intersted in having a real relationship with me that when I think of my ex now, I see the vulgar ass he actually is!! This new perspective on my ex is amazing to me, over a week ago I was still missin him, now I’m thinking, what the hell did I ever see in that jackass! I realized that better does exist.
Thank you Natalie. This IS your very best post yet. Straight to the point, no bulls…t. The wake up call that so many need and a reminder and explanation of what love is not. What an amazing gift to give to all that read this and for our children and their children.
“Have they come up with a cure for cancer?” Actually, the question I would ask is “Are they acting like they are well prepared and adapted to living a shared life in a family environment? Do you respect their friends, their work ethic and morals? Do you have five open and honest, trusted friends that respect and trust them?”
lol Brad … that line made me hesitate too, because I was like, um, actually … my exs have raised millions for non-profits, worked with students in prisons, developed programs for special needs kids … !
but i like that Natalie points to worshipping them being like groupie behaviour – I liken it to having dated a few Olympic athletes. they were indeed amazing in what they did, but that by no means made them good relationship partners. I deserve better than picking my relationship partner based on their ability to race down a ski slope, build an NGO, or – in the case of my ex, as I just discovered today – bringing a huge social-venture type organization to its highest profits in history.
Must repeat. I deserve better than this. Can I believe that? is the question. Must try to remember how my world and my life felt so little next to his. I still keep trying to bring my own life up to where I’d like it to be, and feel like I am missing something in the process … but day by day, I work from where I am.
Yes, you can believe this, because often public heroes – from celebrities to those who succeed in business or any high status career – are emotionally distorted in some serious ways, whether they’re addicted to new, shiny people loving them, insensitive to and dismissive of people who can’t help them get to where they’re going or lacking in remorse and ethics. I am being crude, of course, but however they come about, these traits make for pretty rubbish relationship habits (is your hero-businessman guy being a lovely rock-prince-calm-in-the-storm for anyone?). The motivation to be awesome is probably coming from recognise-me agitation, more than a quest for serenity and true connection.
As for feeling inadequate, keep in mind that some pursuits have more obvious signs of success than others. The blissful parts of being a writer are personal and few. Even when you publish, you don’t necessarily feel like you’ve passed any threshold. Other careers have more obvious indications like market values and hefty compensation, but this still doesn’t tell you how a person feels about their work, let alone themselves, even if they seem to believe in the outward markers. More importantly, you might feel inferior around these people – though you, wordsmith-Mags, probably needn’t! – but that’s the agitation, never satisfied stuff of your own (similar to the same drive of mega-achievers – you are one of, or similar to, these people, Mags!), not the kind of stuff that leads to the true prizes (a loving relationship, inner peace, real recognition of our achievements when they do occur etc).
You can admire someone’s achievements, for sure, if it helps guide you in life. Thinking about it, you have to be careful that it’s genuine admiration, not jealousy. I have found that when I feel jealous of someone I am with, it always creates something pretty terribly unloving. Keep the people who push those inadequacy buttons as distant role models and acquaintances, I say! And focus on your own work, and, when you’re done thesising, collaborating with people who you want to learn from and with whom you feel comfortable and supported.
As for potential partners, unless they’re open to a relationship and then actively make it/us important to them, it doesn’t really matter how grand they are. And our grandness certainly doesn’t make a spot of difference to their capacity and interest to commit. Stick to your path, Mags, and remember what you wrote about likey-man meeting likey-Mags and having likey times together.
Elle I love you right now! Likey-times, oh man, yes. Right. I would pick out parts of what you said to nod my head to and say, yes, thank you, I just need to hear it, but basically I would have to pick your whole response.
I choose to believe that for whatever reason, Magnolia is going through a particular purging of old vibes. Like a detox where you break out and get headaches before you reach a new level of internal cleanliness, I am breaking out in a minor rash of misplaced nostalgia. Tonight I had perhaps the strongest impulses I have ever had to go and drive by his house. I don’t know why that is happening just now.
Well, I am applying for a tenure-track job this week and feel pretty vulnerable. I am also teaching Wide Sargasso Sea and the prof I teach for made me pay, publicly, for my challenging him (gently! as fricking tactfully and on-eggshells as I could!! and in private!) about a teaching choice he made around race representation in the novel. (You would be proud of me, though, I think. I just don’t have it in me anymore to be devastated at this kind of thing.) And money’s on my mind these days. Oh, and my sister is getting married.
Hmm. Maybe I just answered my own question. Stress = massive pangs for the fantasy, the fantasy, the fantasy.
I pictured myself camped outside the ex’s place looking at his lit windows and thought, no, no, no. I don’t want to be that woman. That would be a set back and a half! I made it home in one piece.
He was never anyone’s rock-in-a-storm. Believe me, I tried to use him for that. Maybe me being that person I become when I am afraid to be openly decisive and confident, that is more agitated than him, more insecure than him, made him seem like he was. I never thought about it that way.
I’ve just come from seeing My Week With Marilyn. I recognized the behaviour of being upset and reaching for a guy like a sedative.
Serenity and true connection. I will read your words over a few times, Elle. And Brad, I like the questions you ask. I need to work on getting those five friends first, I think!
Magnolia,
“Stress = massive pangs for the fantasy, the fantasy, the fantasy”.
I *so* know what you mean! And, of course, fantasy = the familiar uncomfortable…
Well done for making it home in one piece and resisting the urge to do the drive-by – we’re all getting there little by little 🙂
Brad,
The part about have they come up with the cure for cancer, is Perfect right here & right now. If you go through index of other posts the questions you would ask, as listed in your comment,…. have been (probably) already discussed. but thanks for your additional reminder, because they are good points.
AngelFace, Brad was quoting on what Natalie said in her post.
He has been reading here for years and knows what he is talking about.
Actually Astelle, ironically on this occasion I think Brad in highlighting what he did shows that in this context, he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. There is no need to put your partner on a pedestal. I gave those extreme examples because people behave like groupies, worshippers etc for far less.
Also it is completely ridiculous to put someone on a pedestal because of what we perceive they do for others. Many readers already do precisely what Brad suggests but do not put it in the context of how *they* are treated.
But aside from that hello Astelle! Lovely to hear from you! ((((hugs)))))
Yet another kick-ass post.
“You deserve better than talking and thinking badly about yourself. Stop dogging you[…] It’s awful when you overhear someone talking about you behind your back – it’s even worse when someone shittalks to your face…which is what you’re doing.”
Ooh. That final sentence packs a wallop of truth. If we shit-talked to others the way we tend do to ourselves internally, we’d probably get a beat-down. Time to stuff a sock in my Inner Critic’s piehole.
Amen, Natalie.
Happy Thanksgiving for ALL of us!
Woke up and checked my emails to find one titled ‘you deserve better’ that’s all I needed to start my day well. Thank you Nat 🙂
Reclaim
Words on a screen
each morning.
Streams of our
strength, mourning.
Screams, weak
moments, witness,
scorning. Wit, shame-
lessness, words
of warning. Hell
to the heartfelt!
What the what
now? I’m not that
woman, growing
storming, I sucked
it and saw,
I quit performing
an endless drama
of assclown-
adoring, of waiting
for crumbs
and flag-ignoring –
in the end
all that shit
got boring.
I return and return
to these words
each morning,
dreams of rescue
turn to worlds
transforming as
as gasp I grasp
my inner warring
my inner
who is this? who am I?
this inner
warming
to the love, care
trust and respect
that I sought
(from him?!) without
having learned
to expect it,
that care
love and trust
and feeling
connected,
from myself.
Every morning:
women share,
declare,
their esteems
reforming –
I sit at the screen.
My heart informing
itself at the
witness of us:
the braveries
the tenderness
the wisdom,
outpouring.
Thank you, Natalie, for the work you do.
OMG Mags, goosebumps and hairs on legs and arms rose at this…awesome lady, just awesome.
Jaysus Magnolia – you sure know how to move with words. Just stunning. I hope you know just how talented you are. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Magnolia. Beautiful. You are extremely talented!
Ditto to all of the above Mags!
Ditto too, Magnolia – wonderful!
I don’t know how you meant it, but I totally imagined it being read slam-style, with a radiant and insistent passion.
Wonderful, wonderful..thank you!
Mag I wanted to second, third and fourth that you are incredibly talented 🙂 I always love reading your comments – you are so perceptive and really have a gift for getting right to the heart of things. I’ve learned a lot from you sister! *Big Hugs*
Magnolia, what a beautifully expressive poem in tribute to Natalie and the gift she is to us. 😀
Beautiful, Magnolia. I love the title, Reclaim. How much more profound a victory when we reclaim ourselves after the hard work of leaving behind our pain and confusion of who we are.
In yoga today we talked about what we are thankful for, including the crap in life that has come our way and how to accept it and not turn from it but use it as a way to learn. My instructor called it swimming against the current when you don’t learn from the challenges in front of you. The challenge just keeps coming back until you resolve it. The learning and transforming that occurs here in our little blog community is inspiring.
Happy Thanksgiving fellow Americans!
Thanks all around to YOU, ladies. Being able to come here and share thoughts and experiences is so sustaining; as we’re all in a thankful frame of mind, I simply wanted to say how much.
Mag – BRAVO – what an amazing poem!!!
Magnolia, that was beautiful!
“You deserve better than being trapped in your own groundhog day.”
as always, right on the money. needed to read this today. I recently allowed some minimal contact, after 6 months of solid NC — and it does nothing but wreck me. it was good to have the chance to make some peace, and if I’m able to cut off this stupid undefined LDR “friend” BS for good, at least there’s less drama around it all. I passed the year & half mark of BEING BROKEN UP recently. and I do really really feel like I am trapped, like in that movie Groundhog Day. even the working on myself, paying attention to me, putting myself first — that’s all I did for many many years alone before we got together. I was/am great at that. all these months on Baggage Reclaim, reading everything from top to bottom, keeping journal, therapy, etc. and in my heart, still, there is that pathetic thing that is doing exactly what is described in the post, hanging on to hope as if there is actually one molecule of chance in the universe that there will be a miracle… that tomorrow the alarm clock will go off, he’ll be next to me, and it will all work out, both of our lives will be fantastic, on their own & together, and we’ll have a great life together. yeah, that just happens in the movies.
I was watching the new PBS special about Woody Allen. there’s a lot about his relationships, the existential themes in his movies. he & Diane Keaton remained friends & have worked together for decades after their romance broke up. being in the arts all my life, there has always been this sort of pressure about that, somehow as an artist you’re supposed to be above all the bourgeois norms of relationships, that one must expect love to end and that’s it, all fodder for your art. and there’s something deficient in your independence of mind if you can’t get past a heartbreak to be friends with someone.
another Thanksgiving, many things to be grateful for. and yet… another holiday season with no love in my life. it’s so depressing. I make the best of it. I always do. 46 now, never married, no kids. I’m not wallowing in self pity — I am just sad, so sad, that I was not able to overcome whatever the things are that have prevented me from finding a happy life with someone and creating a family. it’s so damn lonely.
anoosh
you are believing what it suits you to believe. Yes artists shag around but so do lawyers, accountants and bankers. Artists just come up with better excuses/a film/ a song.
The dancer Adam Cooper (super hot – he’s the one in the last scene of Billy Elliot) is married to the ballerina Sarah Wildor (she starred in a series of posters for Ondine). John Lennon (musician) loved Yoko Ono (artist). I see these examples of good relationship all the time now. Because I believe in it. When I believed in EU drama, I saw that everwhere instead. I love Woody Allen but don’t take relationship guidance from him.
I think any deficiency in independence of mind is allowing other people to dictate what you want. It’s not humdrum to want monogamy and commitment. It’s the height of human love (after the maternal bond).
Cut off this man. You can’t move into the future with one foot planted firmly in the past. It’s not just him, he’s barely contributing a few hours a year . But by holding onto him you hold onto all your negative beliefs and bad relationship habits. You have to – in order to justify keeping him in your life. Get rid of him.
Interesting words, Grace. I do think that people engaged in the arts tend to use their “artistic temperament” as being above the common norms, as if monogamy, constancy and transparency are just notions belonging to bourgeois banality. A lot of literature tends to glorify or idealize the romantic idiom, suffering, waiting, having unconventional friendships, the unbreakable bond of eternal love– I was enamoured by such literary models, the half a century-long reunion in “Love in the time of Cholera”, and other melodramatic ideals of self-sacrifice.
But it was really my own avoidance of reality and persistently wanting to live in a fantasy world, I think, and an uncritical celebration of this literary romantic idiom, that kept me hanging on for so long. Anoosh: it’s not a good sign, if minimal contact can already wreck you. Making peace/having a reconciliation– but at whose expense? A friend of mine said that my reactions really said more about my psychosis/tendencies, more than the “being in love” state that I professed to be in. Yes we want to be magnanimous and open, to show that we’re not petty and clinging onto old grudges, hurts, but if there’s anything I’ve learned, at the heart of it, NC is really a process of making peace with oneself (ideally we should emerge not feeling like it was cold turkey deprivation, torturous separation.. but it all takes time and patience, I guess).
Hey, Anoosh,
You know, I actually was thinking of you. You hadn’t commented on the last few posts and I thought of the holidays coming up and hoped you were in a good place. I remember you from the BR get-together, and I identified with you then and your posts since.
I had no plans for Thanksgiving except to get through it. I was avoiding seeing people, even good friends, but last weekend a friend invited me to share Thanksgiving with him. And, so help me, I accepted but with an internal panic that then I wouldn’t be available if EUM called me up and said, “Where are you? The turkey’s getting cold!” (This would be entirely in character.) I woke up crying at 3am and checked my email. Nothing.
What I’m saying is I hear you; you are not alone. I’m going to go to this gathering in Brooklyn with my friend (we got adopted as satellites to a bigger event) and try to be present.
I am so tired. Like bone-level exhausted. I really really understand not being able to let go.
Another good friend came over this week. He was saying there’s a reason AA invokes a higher power, that willpower and rational decisions aren’t enough. But there is something larger, transcendent we can access and trust. I have always been agnostic, but I have found myself praying. Actually, I find myself imagining dialing 911. Please help me, I say. But it’s not the police I’m calling, it’s some benevolent, all-understanding wisdom. I say please help me I can’t do it on my own.
Thank you, Natalie for this blog, and for the community here.
love your last 2 paragraphs.
Anoosh,
Just thought I’d share a perspective. I am the same age as you, have been married and have an adult child..and I feel sad, sometimes too and lonely and wonder about the things I was not able to overcome?
There are no marked cards or loaded dice, whether married,childless or not which prevent what life put’s before us.
Our power comes from the nature of our engagement in these circumstances and relationships. We can choose to notice the good, the glass half full and roll with that. We can choose to make sense of what went wrong for the anticipation of a happy future.
Re your comment about the vagaries within the love-lives of an elite , literary, bourgeousie. Nah, the guy driving the tube has had his heart broken worse… Zelda Fitzgerald wrote ‘ No-one has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold’…and look how she ended up. I think, because you, me ,we, can define it…doesn’t mean that we have to claim some higher ground in suffering. Love is not pain whatever your background, profession or creativity.
Just the pep-read I needed to have. Thanks again for a great article. The day you stop writing them, will be a day of disappointment. I hope that day does not come too soon. I pass the majority of your papers on to fellow friends. They get the benifits of them as well.
Thank you, Natalie, you’re wonderful! Thank you for helping me choose healthy friendships and for your supportive posts, which helped me through a shocking time last year when I realized the man I married was an AC and FF in addition to being passive/aggressive. I emerged from that situation stronger and with more confidence and have you to thank.
No idea if my post from my phone work, so I’ll try again here.
It will be 3 weeks NC Monday w the MM. After 3 years together. Promises, declarations of love, that he would leave, and future faking. Until the day he admitted he “couldn’t wreck his life and his family. I want to be yours sooooo bad and I still kiss you GN every night and miss you so much”. I left him that day. One weak moment where I broke NC, but since then I’ve been strong.
I work with him closely, so interration at work is a must. I have done my best to keep it strictly proffessional at work tho I know I’ve been surly to him. Two weekends ago, both Friday and Saturday nights I received text messages of “TOY” (thinking of you) from him. I deleted w/o responding. Last week he forwarded me an e-mail update from his sister about his detereorating health because of her parkinsons. This was a family he promised I’d be part of someday. So it hurt. But I responded simply “I’m so sorry to hear that”. He forwarded me a spam-type email from a bagel shop.Asked”If I bring a box tomorrow will you have one?” I replied as I was heading out the door for the day “Sure”. Bagels were there the next morning, and he made a point to whisper to me when we ran into each other in the hallway “I bought you bagels. did you see?” I said “Yea, thnk you”.
He checked everyday if I had lunch. He used to buy luch and we’d split it. “Yes, thank you.” everyday was my response.
Two e-mails yesterday amidst the flurry of work related ones which I responded to. Boring quiet day being the day before the holiday. Then at 3pm “Hello, are you awake?” DELETE. Then forwarded me a youtube vid – “This was made by some students at my son’s school. Pretty cool stuff”. DELETE. AGAIN a family he promised I’d be a part of. WTF. SOOOO HURTFUL.
As I was driving home, a text “TOY 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving”. DELETED. Then round 9pm last night another text “Iget it. Loud and clear”. I wanted more than life to respond.To just text back. “I don’t hate you. Please just let me heal”. I called a friend first. A 45 hysterical weepy conversation. That I don’t want him to think I’m a bitch or that I hate him. But if he truly respoceted, loved, cared for my feelings, he would leave me alone. Let me greieve and heal. I ended up deleting.
I figure in my interaction with him at work my…
Resurrection
Well done for cutting him off when he told you he won’t leave his wife. This is the turning point for you. He’s trying to get you back on even more reduced terms.
” I’ve told res how it is. Now she’s had time to calm down, I can get my ego stroke/attention fix/extramarital sex again. This time it will be even better for me – I won’t have to keep up the charade of future faking cos I’ve been honest with her. I’m a good guy.”
Ignore him.
And shame on him for using his sister’s health as a way to hook you.
Resurrection: I read your post twice it touched me so much; I felt a bit weepy reading it. Stay strong! You deserve so much more than bagels and his family updates! Pft.
And it reminded a bit of my ex Arse, he would text similar thing like, ‘how about I bring some bacona and eggs over and make you breakfast’. So Considerate. Not.
More like ‘if I bring the breakfast you can shag me after then I’ll bugger off and ignore you for a few weeks, ‘cept maybe I’ll email you some”interesting” youtube link. Well, interesting to me that is. You up for that, honey?’
No, not anymore!
Thank you ladies! You keep me strong. My ACTIONS toward him at work will show I’m not “mean” or a “bitch”. I won’t fall for his bait for me to text him so outside of where I’m forced to interact with him. That is MY time. I’m taking it back and filling it with only those who would never hurt me so terribly. And I’m busier than I’ve ever been no longer waiting for his crumbs that were my world.
I thought I would die. I truly did. But thanks to you wise women, Natalie, BR and her book, the pain is almost a memory now! 🙂
Resurrection, honey who cares if he thinks you’re a b*tch? Who cares a whit what he thinks? What he thinks of besides himself that is. The ex-eum nincompoop would send me texts for several mos. after. Texts. That is beyond no effort. Stay strong.
Resurrection
He is just checking if you are still on the back burner still.
He fears he is losing you. He wants his cake and eat it too.
It’s going to be like going through withdrawal. Stay strong.
This is perfect advice Res – he is just looking to keep you on a string. He wants his ego stroke and you are not giving it anymore. You deserve so much more. It is so hard to lose, not getting what you wanted after all the promises. But seriously, think about it. Do you really want someone that would cheat on their wife? What happens if he does actually come to you? How long will it be until he is doing the same thing to you? You dodged a bullet my dear. They are charming and attentive, especially when they have your complete attention at work, but this is all just part of his game. Best wishes to you, we all know how hard this is but you are doing great. Don’t think that you are a bitch or how this is affecting him. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to heal. Block him from your personal phone if you can. He is inconsiderate for still bothering you. BEST WISHES!
Resurrection, I’m really impressed with your strength in dealing with him in a colleague situation. That has simply got to be so challenging. Having to balance being professional — responding to email where appropriate, navigating the grey areas — rather than being able to go full black-and-white NC. Tough to do.
You don’t come across as being a bitch at all, and even if you did, it would only be because you are doing what needs to be done to take care of YOU in the face of a guy who is quite obviously insensitive to what you are going through.
Hold your ground, stay grounded as best you can.
I am doing my best, Tea.
It’s aggravating that he felt he needed to send that last text “I get it. Loud and clear”. WHY???? Why even SAY such a thing? Just don’t respond. Don’t text me anymore, leave me alone!
He’s one of those men who also finds the need to tell everyone how “nice” he is. MANY times since I left him and questioned what he said or texted or e-mailed me, he replied “I’m just trying to be nice”. TRYING TO BE NICE? Just BE nice!!!
You get the message loud and clear? Then GET it, AC!! Declarations to the world that you “get it” are just uneccessary! As Nat would say, Jaysus! Leave me alone already?
Tea, I will admit it IS a challenge working closely with him, keeping it stricly professional, not letting anything of a personal nature come up and if it does DELETE (He’d never say any such things to my face – it’s all texts and e-mails when it comes to that sort of thing). The word I’ve adopted since I broke it of is “GRACIOUS”. ANY move I make towards him, ANY word I say to him, there’s a tick of a pause and I ask myself “What would be most gracious?” It has always always been the right move.
Thank you everyone who has responded. I felt very bad and “mean” yesterday for not acknowledging his “I get it” text. Thank you for putting it in perspective and confirming that responding was NOT the right thing. I’m eternally grateful for this website.
Here’s something “mean” – I’m also grateful that he does NOT know about this website, or Nat’s book, and has to flounder with his emotions alone. Nor does he have any friends, any family, who know about us. So he must suffer alone. “Mean”. Yes, but it gives me some satisfaction. I know someday I won’t care anymore.
@Resurrection,
I think your resolve is admirable. I don’t think I have it in me not to waver or cave in. Kudos to you for asserting your boundaries so clearly, for upholding graciousness. How do you do it? How do you transmute your anger and disappointment to graciousness? It’s such is a compassionate and loving way of dealing with things.
Oh, Jade.
This is my third attempt to reply to your kind words. Somehow this piece of s*** computer keeps deleting my posts!
You give me so much more credit than I am due. You, Jade, have it in you. Have graciousness in your heart. I am angry, jealous that he sleeps beside her every night as I cry alone and am left picking up the pieces.
I am betrayed. Brokenhearted. Still in love. A moment away from asking him to take me in his arms.
But thanks to BR, thanks to the wonderful women who share their stories, who support me without judgement. Thanks to my friends who know of my suffering and drop everything to be by my side, I can fake it. Jade, if you don’t have that which I have, I will be there for you. I will prop you up when you are falling. I will find it and give you strength when you find that yours is faltering.
I fake. A lot. Because I refuse to give him the satisfaction. I refuse to validate HIM. You have no idea. How difficult it was not to respond to his “I get it text”. To not be the nice girl. To not reassure. It was harder than anything I’ve known.
I swear to you. I swear to you, Jade, that the accolades, the credit you give to me, it is in yourself. Not in me; I am still weak, still hurt, still ruminating at times. It is in you. I promise you that it is in you. xoxoxo
Thought I replied to you, Tea, but it seems to have disappeared!
Thank you for your kind words. Thank you, ladies, for reassuring me that not responding to his “I get it. Loud and clear” text was the best course of action.
Why??? Why did he have to do that? As Nat would say, Jaysus! Just don’t respond if you “get it”!!! Must you declare it to the world?
When I first left him, and we were re-establishing our relationship at work, or I should say I was showing him my boundaries, I questioned some of his actions that I deemed inappropriate. And he always felt it necessary to explain to me that “he was just trying to be nice” in an exasperated tone. Just BE nice! Again, must you declare your “niceness”??? WTF????
If this is a duplicate post, please delete. Thank you BR!
@Resurrection, your ex sounds overly-apologetic (alludes to major self-esteem problems?). I can imagine that he did love you and recognized your feelings (or that he thrived upon your affection) in a selfish, limited and cowardly way no doubt. But that’s not important is it, to think of how deep/shallow/sincere he was? It’s the inherent constraints of the situation that tell you it’s the sensible thing for you to leave, you feeling inadequate. That’s enough to know. I think that we all tend to want to be nice (not to want to be the cold, unfeeling bitch) but sometimes it’s really about doing what is right, what is appropriate in the context, applying self-protective boundaries instead of upholding civility and the status quo. I hear how hard it is for you not to fall back into you old ways of being nice and assuring, and to go back. You’re doing well, Resurrection. Graciousness is noble, but I hope you’re also finding ways to work out your anger. Much love and peace, to you, especially during those angry, teary nights.
Resurrection,
You are an inspiration to me. I just marked two years with the MM, though he’s ended things between us twice for short periods of time, and I’m in a place where I can’t fathom not responding to his text messages. In fact, I wish for them every night. I know you may think you’ve wavered but you’re doing something I wish I had the strength to do – you’re healing and you’re moving on.
From one OW to another, keep it up and please keep posting – stories like yours give me hope.
I want to thank him…for showing me who he really is, cause I didn’t know before…I thought I did…but that was my imagination. I want to thank him for pretending to be my friend…so I know who my real friends are. I want to thank him for ignoring me…so that I can let go. I want to thank him for being a liar, a cheat, and an ass…so that I can recognize a good man when I see it. I want to thank him for NOT seeing the value in me…so that I can see the value in myself. I want to thank him for testing my boundaries, and yes, I stood on that slippery slope….and stepped back
just b4 falling.
I want to thank you, Natalie, on this Thanksgiving holiday…for helping me find my voice, my self, and my value after 36 years of NOT knowing.
Brooklyn, you said it so beautifully!
“I want to thank you, Natalie, on this Thanksgiving holiday…for helping me find my voice, my self, and my value after 36 years of NOT knowing.”
For me, BR is about finding myself. I still need a lot of healing but for the first time in my life I feel like an adult person who can make her choice and take care of herself. I will no longer accept any type of shady behavior from anyone!!!
Beautiful Brooklyn!
I could not have said it better!
That is an absolutely empowering way to see and say it. Thanks for that…it’s so true.
Thanks for this great, insightful post, Natalie. And for all the wisdom you’ve shared, all the difference you’ve made to my life. You write with so much passion, wit, unsparing candour and you listen with so much empathy. This forum is such a special community, the spirit of open sharing and what goes on here, is truly remarkable and touching. I cannot think of any other space/community that is characterized by such altruism and heartfelt support. Thank you for sharing your stories, for bringing us all together, for reminding us to connect with ourselves, for being a friend in this very personal journey of self-restoration. I’m going to buy your book as a birthday present for myself (together with a couple of cookbooks of Amazon ;p), to celebrate turning 28 this weekend and what life has to offer. Blessings to you and your family.
Jade,
You are only 28! Happy Birthday. God, I wish I had the benefit of Natalie’s insights and wisdom when I was 28…but she was probably a toddler then. I bought the first edition on my 52nd birthday in May and it was the best birthday present ever. The second edition is amazing too. I think I’m finally internalizing that I deserve better. I can give to me what I gave to my string of AC/EUM/MM’s in hopes that they would give to me what I needed to give to me. I was going around my arse to get to my elbow.
Keep celebrating Jade. Life has a lot to offer if we know where to look and know when to fold, not that I’m any expert. I do believe, however. I love to cook too. I’ve started to cook for me. Happy 28th!
Thank you, runnergirl, for the wishes and the positive, life-affirming thoughts! It is actually a joy to give to ourselves fully and unconditionally, only then can we give to others in the same spirit. We all deserve better and it can only get better, when we engender these thoughts. I remain hopeful everyday 🙂
OH NATALIE!!! Another Truth-Packed, words of wisdom and hope, article from YOU!!! Thank you, my Dear!!!!! Happy Thanksgiving to you to, and in a couple hours will prepare a wonderful dinner with a few very great friends!
Perfect timed post. Promise me peoples if you ever hear them say those actual words ‘you deserve better than what I can give you’. Believe them. It translates as I don’t do any better than this and I don’t intend to behave any better than what I am now. I heard. I stepped. Love that term step Nat as it is so much more considered, although there are plenty of occassions when we should run, when we step, we walk S L O W L Y but surely away. Its 6 weeks since I split with the widower (6 Ys) who just couldn’t deliver. We were together 9 months and it just wasn’t progressing, no I love yous, no future planning, not even of the faking kind! haha He just wanted to perpetually hang out in a pseudo relationship with all the benefits and no commitment. You all know the score. He even used words like I don’t think I can meet your expectations. Nah he couldn’t. It was one sided as I found after asking QUESTIONS. Very much like the previous blog, not mutual. It gets so hmmm boring(?) being in the limbo waiting for them to catch up. So we split and I defriended/detagged photos on facebook, limited contact with mutual friends till I feel stronger. Fortunately I have not had any scratchings at the door, but I was pretty clear. I am Nat trained now I don’t do YoYo. My self -esteem took a wee battering, you don’t even realise the damage till a few weeks after. Yeah man I have been sad, yeah I had to lean on friends and family. Yeah I had to find a new circle of social friends, new interests (Ceroc/tennis/gym) start dreaming again, took myself on a weeks holiday to NYC, cool, stop wallowing and push myself, kick the rumination habit and start painting again. Damn that grief blocking your creativity. I truely believe it takes as long or short as you want to take to get over them. Once you are convinced it was the right decision, it was Broken (“for all the right reasons”), he was EU, then its about repairing your heart and stepping forward. Choose you and choose to move forward, then synchronicity kicks in, new options arise on all sorts of levels….welcome them in…..then pick and choose. Its very reassuring to know when I will be in a new form I will therefore attract a new appropriate healthy, mutual balanced relationship in the future.
@Mags Cool poem
Woke up with a little bit of anxiety this Thanksgiving morning here in America so your words couldn’t of come at a better time. I will stay NC and not look back. I DO DESERVE BETTER.
You and your site Nat are what I’m thankful for today.
NML,
Just wanted to add to the chorus of thanks. I found your site last year when I realized that I was so depressed over the ex-EUM that I couldn’t actually get out of bed. Its been a year of rebuilding and healing, valuing, and loving myself. Life with self-love is pretty amazing.
Thanks for all that you do.
Cheers!
Ditto : )
Thanks for the amazing articles and for all the thoughtful, brave, and supportive discussion in the comments. I liked BR when I first found it, but had no idea at all how much it would help me grow and change my attitudes and behaviors towards myself, dating, and relationships!
Magdalena and Izzybell,
Yes, so well said re the chorus of thanks, rebuilding and healing and the extraordinary power of the supportive discussion, clarity and humor on this wonderful site.
Natalie, you are just so WISE for one so young – thank goodness.
I just wanted to thank you Natalie, your words have been truely helpful and inspiring to me these last few months.
Long long story short, I was Future Faked. I was persuaded to move in with my ex after two months of declarations and promises on his end. I was extremely hesitant (the speed he wanted things to go at scared me, he was quite manipulative and covertly emotionally abusive). Eventually I agreed. I made a lot of sacrifices, put a lot of my previous priorites on the backburner to do this (something I should have never done). And as soon as the reality of everything set in, as soon as he realised that he was wanted, expected and needed by me, as soon as things got a challenging (as they often do after couples move in) it all changed. So he pretty much told me I had to leave, dismissed my upset regarding the matter calling me a drama queen and arranged to have me moved out(told me about it in a text message as he was in the process of doing it).He was too cowardly to break up with me himself so I did it for him and began NC.
Going back home was so so difficult, I will never ever forget how difficult those times were. I was heartbroken, broke, a steaming mess. I felt absolutely humiliated.
I resolved to put my life back together so bit by bit I managed to fix everything. I was ashamed of all the silly choices I made for someone I barely knew (lesson learned). It was so hard. At times it still is due to anger and trust issues. I have a lot of work to do.
Reading here has really helped me find answers within myself since there was no actual closure. And I am actually starting to have a lot of respect for myself. I think I handled things well. As well as I could.
I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who’s words and actions match. I derserve someone who won’t insult my intelligence by claiming that they ‘love’ me whilist simultaniously treating me in a less than manner. I deserve consistency. I deserve someone who wants to take things at a pace I’m comfortable with because they don’t feel the need to hide who they really are by sweeping me up in a wave of intensity. I deserve to be treated in a respectful manner and to have my wants, needs and expections taken into consideration. I deserve to be heard by my partner. I deserve to feel safe with my partner.
I deserve better.
Happy Thankgiving.
I opened my email this morning and there was this subject line. Wow did I need this today!
@ Anoosh…”46 now, never married, no kids. I’m not wallowing in self pity — I am just sad, so sad, that I was not able to overcome whatever the things are that have prevented me from finding a happy life with someone and creating a family.” My heart broke when I read this. Stop waiting for what you want happen. You can have a baby without a man. You can do all you want to do! You can make your own family which doesn’t have to be the traditional way. I was married for 15 years and had my baby and THAT is who my family is now. The man was never there for me in body or spirit but thank you God that I have my now 18 year old daughter in my life. I am 54 and single. I am making my own love and memories around me. Please be inspired to do it–you can!
Can you really though? I can hardly afford to pay my rent these days and though I would love a baby, I don’t think it would be fair on a little being to bring him or her into such a precarious situation. Expensive education, many skills, I can only conclude that my inability to succeed in material terms is connected in some way to my magnetic appeal for assclowns. Happy Thanksgiving nonetheless!
So grateful for your emails!
That was amazing Nat! I’m sending you a big “THANK YOU!” for giving me the gift of my first Assclown Free Thanksgiving in six years. My ex was always popping up around this time of year and, since I ignored him yet again last month, I haven’t heard a thing. It’s a wonderful thing to know that I’m not going to greet the new year with that icky “Yeah, so I clearly got used.” feeling. I think seconds (errrr, well, thirds…fourths?) of pie are in order to celebrate 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow American ladies and thank you again Nat!! xoxoxo
Natalie, you are so funny. Your brutal frankness makes me giggle because it is so true! Especially the part about casual sex ruining your self-esteem and NOT leading to a relationship.
I was dating 4 different guys (I use the term dating loosely) and I gave it up to all except one and I can’t even explain why he was the exception: he just seemed deeper, more sensitive, caring.
Then I decided to go celibate until I figured out why I couldn’t hold onto or even create a decent relationship. Within weeks, the 3 guys I was active with were GONE, but the one I’ve never been intimate with IS STILL AROUND. He calls me in the morning rather than late at night like the others and he never asks me for anything but asks how I’M DOING. I have no idea what the future holds but it does show me that sex is not the way to keep a guy, quite the opposite. I’d recommend to any woman to withhold sex until you have a spoken commitment, even marriage.
Natalie,
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. I’m currently recovering from the effects of caring for a EUM who has acted hot/cold towards me for years, leaving me confused and emotionally drained. Warm and caring, funny, charming for awhile and then distant. He would pull farther away every time I would try to get closer. But when I would get discouraged and get my rejection fill!! and pull away myself and ignore him, he would come after me acting all caring. This emotionally abusive behavior has gone on over a year. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to care for him.
Years ago I would have continued to make excuses for him but as of late I’ve recognized his behavior for what it is, inconsiderate, and INSENSITIVE to my feelings. Ex. I have even point blank asked him why he has acted certain ways, asked him how he feels about me a couple different times, he never answered. He KNEW that certain behaviors of his upset me but continued them anyways which tells me that he DOES NOT CARE that his behavior has made me unhappy a good chunk of the time.
I woke up this morning, and thought WTH? Why should I continue to emotionally invest in a man who cannot or refuses to be honest with me? That’s the least he could do. I feel like I’ve cared about a rock. Is he emotionally dead inside? If he truly cared about me at all as a person he would have been honest with me. I can’t and will not continue to invest in dysfunction. I want, need, and deserve better. FLUSH.
Congratulations on breaking away. You know now the reason why he keeps chasing after you when you leave is because he doesn’t want to loose the affections and attentions of someone who tolerates his crap behavior. I admire you’re strength and wisdom. You life will be so much better without all this nonsense in it. Suffer the short term pain for the long term gain.
Nat,
I usually spend a couple of minutes each morning acknowledging what I am grateful for before I even get out of bed. Today, although I still had plenty, it was bit harder, I guess holidays can be tough when you are single, even if it’s what you have decided to do for yourself. This post was just what I needed. Thank you for all that you do… your insights and experience have changed the way I approach life.
Also thanks to all the ladies and gents who share their stories and advice
here on BR, everyday…. The BR community is comprised of incredibly talented, generous, insightful, and yes, hilarious people.
Happy Thanksgiving from San Francisco
Jasmine
Simply brilliant, NML. Now figget about them ACs, lets be thankful we dodged so many AC bullets and lets go stuff a gut and be merry! Happy Thanksgiving Ya’ll!
Thank you for your words…it’s been 4 months of NC with Ex MM, we work together so basic hello’s are necessary. Since then he is now on his 3rd affair, I was crushed but you have held my hand for all this time. I may be able to transfer in a couple of weeks. I pray daily on that, I’ve struggled just to be able to get through the coldness, shunning. He still keeps all my gifts in his office, it makes me realize how discconected he really is. NO LOVE, committment from any one woman can keep him happy. Please keep helping us through this…I am thankful today, that my tears, pain and humiliation, has released me of my biggest mistake. May God continue to send strong women my way to remind me that this too shall pass…God Bless ladies.
You Deserve Better. What a great thing to see when I opened my email. I really believe that but getting there wasn’t easy and I find myself falling back on occasions. When that happens I think of the disappearing acts my ex AC handed to me, the blowing cold when I showed any interest and the blowing hot when I pulled back. Always so grateful for the few pathetic crumbs he threw my way and he knew it. Finally just gave up – going on 4 months. He contacted me two weeks ago. Haven’t responded and won’t, thanks to Baggagereclaim!! He can feed those crumbs to someone else – my belly’s plenty full.
I have small confession to make. The story starts here: I am sitting at home last night watching the telly minding my own business when suddenly the ex a8hole’s face and voice flashes up on the screen for a second. Whaaa?? I wondered if I was I hallucinating? It was a trailer advertising a prog about money (not his area at all).
Anyway, Some background: I am currently organising events (been told to do this by my boss – it’s work stuff) and the ex is the speaker at one of the events. I am organising the venues, timings and equipment. Strangely, I got an email from him late today asking about the equipment he needed. I sent him back that the equipment he needed would be set up for him. I also asked him if I was imagining things or did I see him on a trailer on the telly last night for a nano-second (No, I didn’t need to ask him that so feel free to jump in and give me the low-down!).
Him: “Yes probably, I did a thing last year about people’s attitudes to money……”
(….. is blank for anonymity reasons – nothing of any significance)
Me: “Okay. I look forward to it – it seems your wisdom knows no bounds!”
Me a few minutes later cos I couldn’t resist (yes, I know this is not NC):
“Anything lined up about men’s attitudes to relationships and women?”
Him: “Right. I am a complete arsehole. Don’t know why anyone would want to know me.”
Me: “Oh Dear. That doesn’t sound good.”
The end.
Thing is. In days of yore I would have gone to great lengths to make good on his ‘I am an arsehole’ response to me explaining that this is not what I meant and it’s not about people not wanting to know him and it’s just that x and y and z and all blah blah. Now I just see that he IS an arsehole. Yes, I know, I am an NC breaker now! But I am fine.
You’re in a jolly good place, Fearless, given what I read of your posts over the last few weeks. Old patterns have been broken. So much to celebrate about that. Your ex sounds like a self-deprecating stodgy curmudgeon fart face. I can only imagine you with someone who is as funny and as in love with life, as you are. p/s: Why didn’t you reply “you’re right!”? 🙂
Ha ha! Jade S! Carmudgeon fart face! Believe it or not he is actually quite witty when he’s not being a total a*hole, or at least when I’m overlooking the fact that he is one.
He is very petulant when you don’t buy into (or pretend to buy into) his shit, as you can see. I didn’t reply “you’re right” cos that’s what he wanted me to do so that he could be openly offended and stomp off slamming the proverbial door in my face in self-righteous fashion. But he would mostly expect me to back-track and deny that’s what I thought of him – as per in the past. It’s all about control. He doesn’t have it now, so he can stomp off and slam all he wants – I’ll hold his jacket!
I know I am pretty well off topic and being a tad self-indulgent – but that’s me done. Fanks for listening!
Fearless
After all that you’ve been through with him, it comes to this nothingness. He does my head in and I wasn’t even with him. Blah, I’m glad you kept yourself together. Sounds like the spell is well and truly broken. I know you don’t intend to but – just don’t go there again. You deserve better!
Hey Grace – it was always this ‘nothingness’ really, so it doesn’t come as any surprise to me. I have no respect for him now – and it showed and he knows it and I wanted him to know it. I do deserve so much better. Don’t worry. Not going back there. He doesn’t even tempt me any more. I know my part of the “convo” was disinegnuous but I don’t care; I gave him heartfelt genuine for years and he had no respect for it – so if he crosses my path he can have it right back exactly the way he likes to dish it up. I actually don’t like him anymore. It’s a weird feeling after all this time. I know I don’t deserve him and his nothingness – and he doesn’t deserve me. I think he has always known that but he exploited it. My good friend used to say to me that man must think all his birthdays have come at once. Well, his luck has finally run out. I wouldn’t have him now if he came in Lucky Bag.
wonderful!!!! so glad for you!!!
Hey Fearless,
You know you deserve better than a self-identified arsehole that doesn’t know why anyone would want to know him, right? Oh my, his response was quite revealing. How many times have we said that we need to listen to them when they say these seemingly one offs. That one sent me running. If someone says “Right. I am a complete arsehole. Don’t know why anyone would want to know me.” They probably are a complete arsehole and I don’t want to know them. Reminds me of a repeated mantra of the exMM…”I’m surprised you want to spend time with me. You deserve better”. Now I know what he meant. What woman in their right mind would want to spend time with a lying, cheating, albeit witty, scumbag? Keep your BR glasses shiny and clear. You are too BR-wise to fall for his disguise.
PS. I probably couldn’t resist either but stay strong. I got caught in the trap of witty one-liners. Stay in your jolly good place.
Hy runner. Thanks. Hope you’re doing good.
You know he wasn’t telling me what he thought about himself but about what he thought I was implying about him (which I was!); he really meant “okay – so you think I am a complete arshole and you don’t know why anyone would want to know me. I get it!!” (I was supposed to protest and stroke his pained ego for him! Lol.) So it’s a little more cryptic than him just telling me what he thinks of himself. Of course, it’s not that cryptic – it *is* what he thinks of himself – it’s revealing, as you say. He knows he’s an arse. All I have to do is say the word “relationship (wooooooooo!)” and he reacts like a five year old boy who thinks he’s just seen a ghost! It’s also his way of shutting down anything I have said, i.e. don’t deal with it, just throw a petulant tantrum and stomp off.
I have wondered why I had to add the “witty comment” about ‘anything else lined up on attitudes to relationships and women?”. I was suppressing my laughter and snorting as I clicked the ‘send’ button on that cos I knew he’d go up like a blue light!! And he did. And I was pissing myself laughing for hours afterwards – maybe that’s bad of me – but that’s how it was. Normally I would have done almost anything to avoid that kind of reaction from him – or I would try to fix it and get us back to our “good place” (pah) but yesterday I actually goaded him into that reaction – I could write his script for him; I knew what was coming, and it amused me no end. I’m not saying I was right to do that, just that it is what I did. So I have to wonder about myself. I am wondering…. mmmmmm…. does he really deserve my mockery?
I fink so-oo!
Hey Fearless,
I know that when I felt the need to throw in a witty dig, it was a combination of many factors. Mostly, I think I wanted to hurt him the same way he hurt me and let him know I finally realized I deserve better. Oh yeah, and a touch of the last word syndrome. My last text response to him in July after he got busted was: “There’s no such thing as an honest cheat”. I was goading him and knew he’d go up like a blue light too because he always claimed he was “HONEST” with me, doth he protested.
These types aren’t worth a pot to piss in. As you’ve said, you are well shod of this guy. He’s an arse and he knows it. Mine was a lying arse and I’m sure his wife reminds him daily, thus I don’t need to. They are tossers. We just have to be cautious, however. We know their buttons but they know ours! Don’t let him press yours.
BTW, your response to Complicated regarding how her cheating exMM would respond was truly brilliant. I was so inspired, I’m writing the response the exMM would send me.
Is it my imagination or are Natalie and so many folks on fire these days?
Love hearing about how you can laugh about it/at the petulant man-child now! (again, I can’t believe the parallels). I hope he appreciated your humor once a upon a time. How wonderful and freeing it is, to arrive at a place, where you can jab holes, make facetious jokes and not worry about repercussions or silent “punishment” spells.
Jade S/runner,
I am v cautious. Don’t worry. Am not running away with myself. And I know I shouldn’t really be making facetious jokes whether he deserves them or not – afterall, I picked him! Jade S – Yes, he will be missing my jokes! (well, maybe not those like the ones he got yesterday. hee hee!). Enough of him and me now… I’m hogging the blogging…moving on…
I want to believe that I deserve better. I want to find happiness again. I want to find myself again. But after 2 years in a so called relationship with my ex EUM, I discovered that I have no self esteem. I believed that what he was giving me, the small things he was able to give me, was what I deserved. Deep down I know that this pain, this intense pain is a waste of time and energy and I need to show to him, to the world but most of all to myself, that I trully deserve better. Maybe he believes the same thing for himself, though. That he deserves better. He must always search for sth better. Someone prettier, thiner, smartier, etc. Someone better than me. He gives me the silent treatment for more than 3 weeks now. I still miss him. Not exactly HIM. But the moments I thought we had together. But you know what? I miss myself more. Can I love myself more? Can I love myself more than him?…
Alice: Yes. Yes. Yes! Is the answer. You need a ‘can do’ attitude. Stop saying to yourself ‘can I?’ That’s now against the rules for you. Start saying ‘I can’. Every day. Ten times a day. Doctor’s orders!
It’s the first Thanksgiving without him and it’s HARD, but I have no choice but to move on and let go of any hope for a future. The holidays are going to be tough.
Good Luck Joie – I know that it is hard but just be thankful for what you have in your life, and that you are healing and getting yourself back. Best wishes
“You deserve better than an excuse filled relationship whether it’s yours or theirs. Stop lying to yourself so that you can make way for a relationship with substance instead of hot air.”
Finding Baggage Reclaim after breaking up with the MM in July was the turning point of my life. I followed all the guidelines: NC, no friendship, concentrate on healing, live my life. Then one day about three weeks ago I opened my eyes and realized a decent man who I had worked with for months liked me. Someone I never would have considered before–artsy and I’m a scientist. We’ve been dating for two weeks now and it is glorious. Taking it slow, but I laugh constantly and he brings warmth and care to my life.
And here’s the thing—I would NEVER have seen the possibility of this relationship if I had stayed trapped emotionally with MM. The words above could not be more true…you must make room in your life and heart for a good, healthy relationship by letting go of the old. Believe me, I never thought I would meet such a great person at my 48 years of age, and whatever happens, for now I am finally in a relationship that’s mutual (after 7 years since my divorce) and I am HAPPY. I shudder to think if I had continued with MM and not seen what had been right in front of me all this time.
Today I am grateful for this site and for all the women who share their stories, in some cases their very soul, to help others. The comments on here today are extraordinary.
With love and peace. Michelle L.
Michelle, I think one of the saddest things about staying stuck with an unavailable man is the huge opportunity cost in doing so. Not only do we suffer the pain of the pseudo-relationship, but, we miss out on so much that life has to offer while we twist ourselves into pretzels over these Bad Penny guys. Including, missing out on potential great loves!
Your story is such a keen (and lovely) testament to how shifting the focus away from the Bad Penny, and back to ourselves as Nat counsels, can produce wonderful results.
Michelle L.,
Thanks for the update. Glad you are doing well and are in a healthy relationship 🙂 Hearing stories like yours gives me hope that one day I too will have one. Right now I’m focused mostly on healing but since I made the decision to spend less contact with my EUM guy “friend” who led me round the twist (unfortunately no contact is not an option as we work in the same dept, I can’t help occasionally passing him in the halls and common areas, just happens, not by choice, oh well) I’ve begun noticing signs of interest from other guys I’ve never noticed before. Outgoing, nice, good looking, cheerful, considerate men. Yes, definately an upgrade from what I usually attract (moody, EUM, immature, inconsiderate men) and is more in keeping as to what my personality is. I guess it goes to show it really is true, like attracts like. From reading your posts I can tell you’re a strong, good person who deserves the best. Don’t ever forget that.
God bless you.
I deserve better.
I met someone six months ago and we have gone out a total of three times. She travels a lot, including long stretches out of the country. When she is in town she consistently turns down my offers to see her and I have never so much as kissed her. Two months ago we had plans to meet and she was 40 minutes late. After that I stopped contacting her, and yes, I dated other people.
Last week she contacted me out of the blue and invited me to a play, so I gave another chance. Before the play she basically ignored me, talking to friends and colleagues. After, she seemed distracted and didn’t talk much, except to turn down my offer to get together over Thanksgiving, and to tell me she was going to France for Xmas. I bit my tongue, though I really wanted to ask why she had contacted me, whether she saw me as a friend or a date, etc.
I don’t expect to hear from her again but if I do I will tell her we aren’t working out and I’m not interested in pursuing whatever it is she thinks we are doing, or being a Plan B. That’s a step up from obsessively trying to figure out what kind of pseudo-relationship we are having.
I am not sure you even have to give her any definitive explanation of why you’re no longer engaging with her. A far more effective strategy would be to simply not respond to her. This gives you the time and distance you need to get her out of your system, and saves your mind the angst that comes with formally saying something – it’s so rare we get these statements right, and we often want to apologise for or qualify them, which can lead to all these worries about whether to engage again. You’re right to move on. She’s not looking for love. She doesn’t want you to think badly of her, and she likes that you like her so she induldges you a little. But she’s not interested in a relationship with you. You don’t have to make this any more than a straight-forward case of ‘someone who doesn’t even know me or what I have to offer doesn’t want to be with me, and so what!?’ It doesn’t seem personal to me. So yes, you do deserve better, but not because she has gotten to know you and treated you badly. She hasn’t even brushed up against who you are. You can leave this with your chin up.
j d
I agree with elle. This is two much angst for four meetings in six months, with no kissing.
I know how easy it is to get your hopes up. And I know that the other party is probably taking advantage, enjoying the attention but not really interested. But if you confront her, she’s perfectly within her rights to say “huh?” She just won’t get it and you’ll feel foolish.
I wouldn’t recommend it if you were really dating but … do the slow fade! Avoid and ignore.
Like everyone here I needed to hear that. I need to tell myself it every day. I’m so lonely I have let him in – the odd chat and coffee but every time I do I spend ages recovering because I know he doesn’t really care – nothing beyond me being there to serve him. Today my guinea pig died. She was 6 and ok a small pet but I loved her and I was sad. I called him – he said ‘oh great, put her in a stew’ amongst other similar comments as I sobbed. I know its not a big deal in the grand scheme but I deserve better, I deserve better
Jane
You are lonely BECAUSE of him. When someone crushes your self esteem, when you think about them all the time, when no-one else is important to you, there’s no room for friends and family, or even your hobbies and interests. Nature abhors a vacuum. Get rid of him and the gap will be filled by better people (not necessarily a new man just yet).
I am sorry to hear about your little squeaker. And it IS a big deal when someone is horrid to you. He sounds like a moron.
Jane
He’s a prick.
So sorry for the loss of your pet xxxx
Kirsten
((((hugs)))) so sorry…I know how it is to love your pets…for me they have been besties through very hard and very good times…gifts from heaven…that guy is an ass hole who couldn’t deal with your pain…such a sick joker…you do deserve so much more! Good to you for discovering it even though it hurts like hell…as Grace said, sorry for your loss of your little squeaker…how cute and precious that one must have been…adopting another could be a gift to both of you as honoring the joy you shared (though I know it’s not a human to human thing, it is special in it’s own right). I would be literally lost without my animal friends.
Jane I am so sorry your little pig passed on. 6 is a ripe old age for them, but sadly of course; not for us. I have had them as pets for years and they are lovely creatures.
Your ex PROVED to you with his heartless remarks how much you don’t deserve that kind of abuse. And it is abuse; you were hurting and he kicked you. Hope you will consider adopting or purchasing a new pig.
I’ve known for a long long time that I deserve better and I did end the relationship but after a lot of hard work and persistence he eventually wormed his way back into my life, got me well and truly hooked again only to drop me and blame it all on me then I find out he’s seeing someone else and lies to get me off the phone cos she was at the door ~ this is after he has phoned me ~ again, after he told me it was over. I just feel so humiliated and annoyed that I let him back into my life again and this time it was even worse, I ‘begged’ him not to leave me, I have never behaved like this before, I was single for 13 years to bring my son up after a physically abusive very short marriage, I feel better already after reading the posts and personal responses and thank you ladies for you’re support, it’s just I’m living in the middle of nowhere which is beautiful but 160 miles from my family and friends and I don’t know whether to stick it out here, I’ve made it a beautiful home, it’s always been my dream to live in the country or move back to be closer to family who all have their own lives anyway and really I’ve already moved on from my old friends as I gave up drugs and alcohol nearly 6 years ago as well, and met this totally eum right after that ~ I suppose it’s been a lesson but why did I have to learn it, why couldn’t he have been the man he made and continues to pretend he is????
My Dearest Karen,I am so sorry for your pain…I know exactly how you are feeling,we all do!
He cant be the man you want him to be,or even the Man he wants to be,because he is an Empty Well.He has nothing,He does not ackowledge his asshole behaviours,and until he does he will be this way till the end of time.
I know its hard,I still cry and its been over one month of no contact,and I mean NO CONTACT…Mine up and dissapeared as if I was nothing…Well,just from being here and reading posts,I now that this has nothing to do with me..He was this way before I met him,and whilst he is on a bunch of dating sites,trolling for women,and lying in his profile I might add,he will continue to disspear on women…But not my issue,I dont make this about me anymore,I did nothing to deserve this treatment,and neither did you..Please love yourself better,and keep coming here!!
Brenda
Is this Love?
Twisted, torn
Forced
Conform
Recurring Fate
Heartache relived
Assclown
Hate
Is there more?
Inside me
I’m sure
Resides the cure
Inspiration
Put up a fight
Uncovered
Inner light
Who am I?
Story unfolds
Brighter still
future untold
I am not a poet and have stepped outside my box….but Magnolia inspired me today.
ooh!! i love it jennynic!!
I don’t know about you, but that was the first time I had put that energy (my focused, creative ‘work’ energy) into my thoughts about this aspect of my life.
Now, I can’t sustain that for endless days, but I now want to experiment with putting that energy into some other areas of my life. So much of the time I’m concerned with doing it right or being good enough that it has never occurred to me that I might approach organizing my time, or my dreams, or creating a foundation of self-esteem, as though I were composing a poem.
Anyway, I’m all warm and fuzzy over here at your poem, and love its movement from restriction and doubt to freedom and curiosity – I feel you!
you stepped out of your box and out came some of your inner beauty to be shared with those of us who can appreciate it as the gift of you that it is and please don’t diss your talent…call it what you will… it is the revealing of a portion of your heart and soul… a very courageous thing…and an excellent way to release, express, reveal, and purge all sorts of things…I say keep it up as the gift it is to you and to any you allow to view it…when we allow ourselves to come to the light the darkness holds us less tightly…
Jennynic,
I think maybe you *are* a poet! Bravo!
This is the kind of stuff that flows when we aren’t squandering our creative energy making up an imaginary future with an imaginary person and putting everything we have into an imaginary relationship 😀
Good stuff, jennynic, keep it coming!
Been meaning to say Jennynic that I’m no poet but I loved your ‘dabble’ in poetry and I love that you and Magnolia are so inspired and *inspiring*.
Thank you!
I deserve better than convincing myself I don’t want or deserve things like kindness, respect, romance because I was with the kind of man I knew could never give them to me.
Natalie,
Thank you, for your patience and understanding with me. I can say in all honesty I am seeing differently now. Even reading your articles is like I have a new pair of glasses on. The focus is finally going off him and onto me.
I am so so glad your message is consistent and persistent that you believe there is better out there for each and every one of us.
I admit when I found your blog I wanted to be the exception to it, I wanted you to read my posts and say
“Hey, Tulipa, none of what I’m saying applies to you, here is a winning formula for you to get your man.”
Thank you for not doing this and truly helping me even when I have been the dumbest of dumb students.
Oh no Tulipa, I thought I was the dumbest student on this site for a long time. I couldn’t believe how many stories were similar to mine, although I clung to the fact the we were unique cos we were soul mates. I had to give that stupid vision up when I read the stories of OW’s on this site. Sometimes, I woke up in the morning and wondered if I had written it. But some one else did even though it was MY god damn story. I still remember the day when I realized the rule. I was not going to be the exception to the rule no matter what I did. I was dumbfounded. A bit of enlightement came after in small increments. My best to you Tuplia. Here’s a winning formula…self-love! It sounds different at first and I’m still in the initial stages but something is different. You don’t want to win this guy. Keep the focus on you.
Hello Runnergirl,
Thank you for your encouraging reply.
You are right my story is no different either an unemotional man is an unemotional man and he plays from the same book as every other man of his type.
I too did the letter written by him to me and by the end even he was telling me to flush him. (quite inspired by fearless really)
I’m trying very hard to keep the focus on me and looking at what NML says about anger and how to deal with it.
I wish you well with your continuing journey, Runnergirl, I always look forward to your posts and reading about the progress you have made.
i have posted a few times on here when i was in the throes of love/NC/breakup.
today, i have been NC for three months and i feel mighty FINE. i want anyone to know that that sickness of love for him, for me, is GONE. and if it can happen to me, it can happen to you too, i.e. anyone out there still in the throes.
i have been broken up for longer, 1.5 years with the same man, but this is the first break up time with him where i feel NO DESIRE to text and scheme to get him back. no one could pay me $1 million to do so either. i would simply say no. the price of being with him is way too high.
today, i drink tons less, feel far less hate for myself, run myself down less and less, berate myself less. it’s as if i am finally sobering up from a sickness. it’s like being reborn, not to sound maudlin but it really is.
so me being as deeply engrossed as i was, if i can cut the ties then anyone here can. it’s a process, evolution … so sometimes requires time. but i am SO grateful that the “time” of declaring emancipation came. now i am free AND happier. life is not perfect … but it is a lot less stressful lopsided and unhappy:)
Thank you Lynne. I could’ve written this myself. It seems once we “get there”, it’s easier and faster to be over him than one could ever imagine. I’m so very proud of you and all those who share here. xxoo
Happy for you!
I was finding old songs on U tube today…..”Almost over you”by Sheena Easton was a home hitter!!Please take a listen if u can!!!
Brenda
and one more thing about these men.
i think they use women and harems as something to do. these men mostly are not accomplished men, perhaps men with few interests and engagements … i.e. golf, rotary, skiers, astronomers, et al ..
so perhaps since they are bores, they use women to create a merry-g-round. they are dullards enough to use people as entertainment and leisure rather than the real thing. just a thought.
I agree with this. They look for women to add to their lives, but they don’t add anything positive to women’s lives. They maintain the harem to keep all of the insecure women in line, and once those women wise up and jump ship, they initiate the ones whom they’ve been grooming on the side. In reality, these men are slaves to female approval and their self-esteem rests on their desireability, which will eventually ensnare them.
Wow Natalie, I loved your description of “forgiveness” in the new edition. It’s the best description of how to forgive by forgiving myself. It dovetails perfectly with what I deserve. I deserve to be forgiven and I can do that for myself, without agreeing or condoning someone’s behavior and they don’t even have to know. I’ve thrown in my orange jumpsuit and won’t do anymore time outside the Mr. Unavailable prison or any more time inside the self-blame prison. I’m taking a leap of faith on me! Shoot I’ve taken a leap of faith on a lot less. I’ve got to re-read this section again but this is my first blush. I am ever so grateful. Wishing you and everybody the best. I simply can’t believe where I was only a year ago. Thank you for listening, responding, and guiding me as I healed, raged, and sounded stupid. There’s hope in me! Today was my day to say bygones. If it feels bad, it’s bad. I’m looking forward to feeling good cos I deserve it. BTW, I’ve got everything ready to roll for my daughter when she is ready for BR. There’s another generation out there Nat!
Hey, runnergirl,
Its wonderful that you’re feeling so good and I couldn’t agree more with you about forgiveness. I just wanted to tell you that I was reading recently one of Natalie’s older posts from about a year ago that you had commented on (can’t remember which one at the moment-sorry!) and I swear that I could literally feel pain oozing out from your words and my heart hurt for you. It is amazing, wonderful, and inspiring to see how you have moved on, healed, and continue to learn to take care of and love yourself!
Onward! 🙂
Hi Magdelena,
I still struggle with coming to grips with how I created a solo fantasy relationship with a MM. I remember last year when I could no longer wrap myself in my fur coat of denial. It was chilly and painful, still is sometimes.
Your wonderful diagram, so many BR comments, and Natalie’s persistent message regarding self-love really helped me to see that it was really up to me. We all deserve better than a faux relationship and crumbs, while waiting around for someone to “choo-choo-choose me”. It’s finally kinda sinking in, I got to choo-choo-chose ME and forgive myself. Good to hear from you. I hope you are doing well and chosing you?
Runner:
“I’m taking a leap of faith on me! Shoot I’ve taken a leap of faith on a lot less.”
Well said. We sure have taken a leap of faith (or was it madness?) on a whole lot less!
Thank you thank you thank you Nat! Thank you for waking me up!
I have been going through hell for the last two years thinking that I could change his mind and make me his one. I am in love with an illusion and has every week goes by I think that things will change. We get closer and then he backs away time and time again. I wish that once I could just let go, i Know that this is doing me no good the constant hanging around waiting for the crumbs, but we never get any further. I let him reject me time and time again, i dont even let myself feel anything anymore because I dont want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed – which i know I will be. I know that he his using me for the sex and I still cannot walk away. I do not know what I have become any longer and I hope and pray that one day I will know what this is all about and why I have had to learn the hard way. Thank you Natalie for your article you deserve better
Hey Brenda thank you so much for you’re kind words if support, I read you’re post and cried because I know you are so right, this man has been like this with all the other women in his life, his behaviour has left me speechless at times, it is as though he is so completely disconnected from his feelings and his actions yet he really does think he is a really great guy or one of the ‘good’ guys as he likes to put it, he is even back in touch with the ex before me but Slags her off behind her back to me, appalling behaviour but she still hasn’t moved on after nearly 7 years as she sent him a birthday card with ‘all her love’ well I won’t be that woman, I am a kind, loving and giving person but I was not put on this earth to stroke this mans ego. Really the only thing going for him is that he is very good looking and he can charm the ladies but you’re right, he’s full of nothing so it’s all a waste of time but do you know what, when I woke up this morning I feel like the answer to my question was revealed to me ~ I wanted to know why this man came into my life, I am a good person, I try my best, I never use people, I’m certainly not perfect but I don’t treat people badly so why oh why did God put this man in my life and I think I finally get it, it was to show me that I do deserve better, that I am worth it and I am as good as the next person, I can see why I have never believed that before, not because of how I treat people etc but due to growing up feeling unloved and uncared for but you know what, I am worthy of love, care and attention and that’s exactly what I’m going to give myself, I will be coming back here Brenda, I’m gaining so much confidence from reading what Nat says and what everyone else says and from you’re precious most gratefully received support ~ I can’t believe how many of these men there are but hey, women unite, if we continue to stand together and support each other like this, one day these men will run out of women to use. I may have had some low self esteem but your right, I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he has treated me. No contact is back on but this time it won’t be broken, I won’t be sucked back in again, I treat this episode as his second chance, even though in reality it’s more than that, but it was the first time I had done no contact so second chance blown it is now no contact all the way. Thank…
Just reading a post there by one of you beautiful ladies I was reminded what this EUM/AC said to me when I met him ~ check me out, what an idiot ~ he said he was no good in relationships, didn’t know how to love a woman, he gets them to love him then runs away ~ well, that is exactly what he did to me with a bit of bleating ‘I can’t give a woman what she wants’ in between, too damn right he can’t give a woman what she wants, he’s an out of work looser who abandoned two daughters, one daughter he has contact with now and he honestly thinks he’s father of the century…………. My goodness, what was I doing with this person for nearly 6 years of my life???? Never mind, onwards and upwards and my goodness, surley it can’t be hard to get better than that although I’m gonna give myself a couple of years of self licing, building up my self esteem, confidence etc and have some fun because on top of everything else the EUM/AC wasn’t even any fun!!!! So so glad I found this site <3
Fearless’ response to Complicated and the subject of this post was so inspiring, I thought I would try my hand at how the exMM would respond to me.
Dear Runner,
That night in the parking lot when you agreed you were “in”, you knew I was married. I told you immediately that you deserved better and that this wasn’t fair to you. Your response was that you would determine what you needed and what was fair. I took you at your word. You seemed so confident that you could handle it. Who was I to doubt you.
Things were really great in the beginning. You said I was always welcome. I could call anytime, show up 30 minutes later, you looked gorgeous, and had an amazing dinner waiting. What’s not to like? We had so many wonderful times together, bbqing, dancing, singing, hiking, playing frisbee, watching sunsets, sipping wine, tikki torches, what’s not to like? I could text “Good morning sunshine” and I could text “Night, night Bright Spot” and you would respond. I could text and call all day and you would respond. It was wonderful. Even if I had to be with my wife, I knew I could text you and you would be there.
Things changed and I’m not sure when, why or how. Suddenly, I couldn’t just show up when I could manage to lie to my wife and get out of the house. You wanted and expected more from me. You wanted to make plans. I couldn’t make plans with you because I was making plans with my wife. You knew you deserved better. I told you that. You knew not to wait around for me. I told you that. You knew I didn’t know if I could ever leave my wife. I told you that. Why weren’t you listening to what I was saying? Why didn’t my actions of abandoning you speak louder than my silly words?
I only wanted what I wanted. I thought that’s what you wanted cos that’s what you said you wanted. Then your words didn’t match your actions. You knew from the outset, I was unavailable, I was married, I had a family. I told you you deserved better than what I could offer. Why did you persist in this faux relationship? Why would you demand more than I ever had on offer? You knew what I had to offer was limited. What am I supposed to do about that? If you knew you deserved better, you would have better. Until then, I’ll stand in. Cos it feels good to me.
Oh Fearless, you are amazing…what are these AC’s supposed to do when we…
Runner,
Good one! Here’s mine:
Dear Runnie,
You knew the score. Don’t pretend you didn’t. Everything was great for me – all my needs were met as and when I felt like it – you were a wonderful on-tap distraction, great fun to be with and the sex was great; we could have gone on like that for years but you had to spoil it by shifting the goal posts, by deciding you had needs and expectations of your own and dumping them on my doorstep. What was I, a married man, supposed to do with your needs and expectations? What do you think I am, a magician?! It was fine when I was getting to have my cake and eat it – then you started getting ideas above your station and thought you were due an upgrade. You became over-demanding, troublesome and obstructive to the smooth running of operations so your contract had to be terminated. And don’t waste your time putting in a claim for unfair dismissal, you’d be laughed out of court as there is nothing in the contract you signed that even suggests opportunities for a promoted position. Yes I may have said some things in the heat of the moment and when i was feeling randy that implied I might upgrade your contract – but these were never put in writing! And things look very different in the cold light of day and especially when my wife puts a tail on me and wants to know what the eff I’ve been up to! I am still working my way out of the doghouse!
But Runnie, be assured that you meant a lot to me and if you were still that woman who thought so little of herself I would probably still take you on under very much reduced conditions (which you would have to agree to in writing) but that would be impossible as my wife now knows I am a cheating rat-bag. She has clipped my wings and is watching me a hawk – you just wouldn’t be worth the trouble to me anymore, so thanks for the good times and toodle-oo the noo.
Oh too funny Fearless. Loved the legalistic analogy. He’s business contracts lawyer. Do you know him?
Nothing is more troublesome than an over-demanding uppety mistress that steps out of her place recognizes she has needs, deserves better than a good roll in the hay, and obstructs the smooth operation of the bakery. I clearly violated all the rules of being a mistress. Fair grounds for termination in any MM court. Toodles uppety ex-mistress.
But what about a claim for Unfair Labor Practices?
Love both of these ‘contract’ analogies. Funny too, because that’s how I was able to see things through his prism; I stepped out of line, I forgot my place. He had no class through and through and months after I told him kick rocks, he even felt the need to write me, only to say ‘we’d never have worked as a couple’ and ‘we were so good in the beginning..me and you against the world’. Oh puh-lease, that’s because I gave him the push-off and he knew my little ship had sailed without him. He wanted the GFE without the work.
Outergirl,
Keep your little ship sailing sans him and don’t look back, unless it is to recall a lesson learned. “…months after I told him kick rocks, he even felt the need to write me, only to say ‘we’d never have worked as a couple’ and ‘we were so good in the beginning..me and you against the world’.” Your final word…nothing. Sail away!
I know I deserve better… While I am still in love with him, do I tell him there is someone waiting in the wings if he doesn’t commit?
NMM
No. Get rid of him. And leave wing guy alone. No-one deserves to be used as bait. Mind you, if wing guy knows what you’re doing, he’s probably EU himself, so that would be another reason to avoid him.
Not Marriage Material,
No, you don’t wait around for him. Because it’s not healthy for you.
I’ve been strung along by a certain guy for awhile b/c I let him and it does NOT feel good. He flirted and made promises, talked a good talk but no follow through. Actions should match words. I still care for him though he’s an ass, but I choose to no longer express it. Why? Because. Because it’s not healthy for me physically or emotionally. When I realized what he’d been putting me through was emotional abuse, a lightbulb went off, this is not a gray situation.
It’s wrong what he’s done and it would be the wrong choice for me to stick around for more. Drop the EUM/AC. Go No Contact. You deserve better. Take care of yourself. I am healing, you will too. I miss my former EUM/AC “friend” less and less each day.Things will get better much better, it will hurt for awhile but it will pass eventually and you will be so much better off. I’ve read posts from others who have completely healed and moved on from similar experiences, I know it can and will happen for us. *HUGS*
I saw what turned out to be a very eye-opener TV program the other night. It was about high-priced prostitutes ($5,000 for the night). I was absolutely amazed at what they said.
Apparently, according to these women, 70%, yes SEVENTY percent, of their “clients,” who of course, are wealthy (VERY wealthy to be able to afford those rates, unless they get discount for “frequent users” :)), do NOT want a woman for sex in a hotel room. What they want is what the prostitutes call “The Girlfriend Experience” or “GFE.” That is where the prostitute has class, dresses up nicely, has good manners, can converse on a variety of topics, and the night proceeds along the lines of a “DATE.” Yep, you read correctly: a DATE! In other words, the john meets the prostitute somewhere, or picks her up at an agreed-upon place, they go to a restaurant, then dancing or whatever else the guy wants to do, then at the end of the night they have sex. The prostitute might or might not spend the night, but according to the prostitutes, most of that 70% of johns who want the GFE, also want the prostitute to spend the night!
Does that make any F’ing sense to you?!!!!! These creeps want the GFE?! And they treat the whore better than a REAL GIRLFRIEND! If they want a GFE, why don’t they just go find a REAL GIRLFRIEND to have those experiences with — and save themselves the $5,000 per night! Or better yet, as their REAL girlfriend, they can give me just 25% of that and I’ll be tickled pink at their token of affection!
As I analyzed the situation, it suddenly hit me that these creeps, including the ones I’ve had the misfortune to date, actually DO want to FEEL a GFE, but they want their “feeling” to be only IN THE MOMENT and VERY TEMPORARY! That way they don’t have to engage in any emotional “connection” with the woman, there are no expectations of continuing to date or of a lasting future together. Thus, the whore’s place in their life makes perfect sense to them.
One guy, a high-flying CEO, said that he didn’t have the time to devote to a relationship, but that he could gain the companionship and other “benefits” from the GFE. He might think that’s the reason, or he might just be lying to make himself and his actions appear acceptable. However, that doesn’t make any sense. If he has one or two nights per week that he spends with GFEs, he ccould be spending that time with a REAL GIRLFRIEND and save all that money. Better yet, as the REAL girlfriend, I would be happy to receive a $1,000 gift as a token of his affection – and he’d still be saving $4,000!
As seems obvious to me, these johns don’t want a real girlfriend because they are avoiding a heart “connection,” expectations, and the girlfriend wanting a future together. It all boils down to the same thing as usual. These guys do NOT want to be MONOGAMOUS. They do not want to feel “locked in” to just one woman. Based on my experiences and those of my female friends and acquaintances, guys in general, even impotent ones or those whose winnies are so tiny that they look as if they belonged to a boy, want to be able to romp around with as many women as possible.
In the end, they will die alone, lonely and miserable. They will be in that situation because that’s the life that they created for themselves. By not having formed a loving, life-long bond with a wife, or at the very least, monogamous life-time partner, these guys will get the end that they deserve. They will reap what they sow!
You prompted me to rewatch The Girlfriend Experience (Soderbergh, 2009). You can watch it streaming on Netflix here in the US.
I love that movie. so so good. (a lot of people just hate it) but I think anyone who posts a lot here will really get a lot from the film.
Just checking in here, it seems that I do ok for a few hours then the anxiety hits as my mind is full of all the same shit that has quite frankly been going through my head for the last 5 years ~ missing him, wishing things were different etc etc etc on and on and on, I Just keep you’re wise words in my mind Brenda because they are so true ~ ‘he is empty inside, he can never be who I want him to be or give me what I DESERVE!’ I had another realisation today as well and that was that he ended things with me in exactly the same way as he did his last partner who he was with for 4 years ~ he meets up with us and treats us so badly that we kick off big time then he turns round and says it’s over for good cos he’s not putting up with that kind if abusive behaviour’ OMG, can’t believe he’s done the exact same thing, well, it doesn’t matter, I’m getting back in positive mode, what he does, did, didn’t or doesn’t do is no longer of any concern to me, I need to get on with my day now because I’ve got a brighter future to look forward too 🙂 thank you Natalie, Brenda and all you other ladies on here, this is so ******* hard but I’ll get through it xxxxxxx
Hello all,
Do you guys know if its common for these characters to have sexual problems. My ex had ED problems and at times didnt even want me to touch him. We only had sex 2 to 3 times a month. It was horrible, it did affect my self esteem as he once told me that he could be with other women and not have erectile problems. At one point I believed he could be gay.
Your input will be appreciated.
It is not an exaggeration to say that your posts have gotten me through some very difficult days and that remembering the things you say has helped me tremendously in the new world of dating and looking for a relationship (after a 24 year marriage). Thanks you so much for all you write. I could comment specifically on this column, but heck, it’s just one more that I needed and that came at just the right time.
I just printed this out and I’m vowing to read it every day until I finally start to live by it.
I’ve been in a dark place since I let the MM back in after he broke things off for a second time this summer – I thought things would be different, better, but they’re not. He’s still married and I’m still miserable and alone.
Every single bolder sentence above applies to me and is what I should be heeding. Damn my stubborn, broken heart.
Bri
Aw, it is nice to see you back but sorry to hear you are hurting.
It doesn’t get better with the MMs, if anything it gets worse. They just get more and more complacent and satisfied with the status quo.
You deserve better.
and he doesn’t deserve YOU.
Bri! Is that where you went? Back to give it another shot?
Ah well, like Grace, I am happy to see you back but sorry to hear that you’re still in that pain-causing situation. This guy is using you; he knows it but certainly won’t tell you so – he might be justifying it to himself.
Unlike the cheating MMs of this world, BR is a consistent, reliable source of support (for as long as NML wants to run it). Glad you came back. We’re here for you and rooting for you.
This post is life to me. Especially the part about all of those god-awful articles about marriage rates, single black women, etc. That stuff is so depressing and it is only meant to produce anxiety in women and cause us to settle for less. And you’re right. All that stuff is aimed at women. No articles on how men need step it up, complete their degrees, get jobs, move out of their parents’ house, stop whoring around, and the like. They place all of the relational burden on women. It’s just sickening, and I’m not falling for it anymore.
I meant to post this in the “What is the Benefit?” article, but one is great and on point as well.
Thank you Natalie! I don’t know how you do it–but you hone in on this stuff perfectly.
NML,
I have a question for you:
Do you believe that the reason that we are drawn to emotionally unavailable or encumbered (i.e. married) people is because there seems to more value associated with people that are not readily available?
What makes something (or someone) valuable? It is almost always because something is rare and/or not easily attainable. My Father once told me; “Son, women are like your shadow. The more you run from them, the faster they will chase you. The more you run after them, the faster they will run away.” Our culture teaches us those things worth having required hard work and creativity. I think that we apply this to dating and relationships. I think “If I meet someone that really is attracted to me, then there must be something wrong because this is too easy and couldn’t possibly be valuable.”
I suffer from this. It seems the women that light me up are the emotionally unavailable or difficult ones. The challenge excites me.
Obviously I am aware of this, and I realize that it’s unhealthy.
Isn’t this a huge contributor that leads us towards unbalanced relationships?
Sometimes, it is like we are doing the bunny hop, and the person behind is always chasing the person in front. Someday, I will find someone that wants to dance along side of me.
Rick
Rick
I’m going to butt in here with my answer. Most of my crap boyfriends were already attached when I met them. Yes, it made me crap too, I accept that.
You’re right, I perceived them to be more high value. The drama and the high of “getting” them was a main driver. Even though I had low self-esteem (though at the time I didn’t know it or I wouldn’t have bothered myself with attached men), I was quite sure I could “get” the guy with my looks and amazing personality (ha). But none of it is real, it’s just a game and when the curtain is down, it’s just you and the other person. There has to be more there than the winning. So, as you may have experienced, the relationship just gets … boring as there is no substance.
And then the next shiny person comes along. And repeat!
At least you have recognised your pattern. First step to breaking it.
Your dad’s advice does apply to pushme pullyou relationships. But those relationships aren’t satisfying in the longterm so maybe you need to re-examine.
Thanks you two – just when I thought I may be starting to break through the surface of moving on, the MM came back, “unable to live without me” yet here he is, still quite literally living without me.
I’m disappointed in myself that I haven’t been stronger and that I’m back in this relationship, but I’m thankful for this blog and all of you and hopefully one day, I’ll be one of the success stories guiding women like me away from these situations.
Love to you all.
Natalie, thank you so much for this post!!! You put my head back again and I fell normal and freeeeeeeee 🙂 I could not live without BR, love it, love it…And this words just so RIGHT for my situation (regarding my AC) : “I want to thank you for giving me the worst days of my life…Now I am off to live my best days…without you”!
I have been NC for 5 weeks with the person I dated but I still can’t get the future faking, lying, lazy communicator out of my mind and its driving me crazy! Can someone please help/advise me on what I need to do because I feel like this guy has driven me crazy! I thought I had met the most gorgeous, hard working, family loving, caring man in the world and I thought I was gonna be happy, but within 3 weeks of dating I had slept with him, he had promised me the world, and I was totally smitten by him. Our whirlwind relationship only lasted 7 weeks and then he cruelly stood me up one Saturday afternoon with no real explanation. This was 8 weeks ago and he still hasn’t called or texted to say anything. I could go on forever about all the things that happened whilst I was seeing him. I just want the old me back, because somehow I managed to let him take that away from me. I know where I went wrong with him, I allowed myself to fantasise and get all caught up with the promises and packaging, which left me scared to ask certain questions when the red flags starting appearing 🙁
I have learned that talk is very cheap. In a relationship a person can SAY anything. I have learned to believe what people DO more than what they say. If their actions don’t line up with what they are saying to or promising you, then it’s time to move on.
Stop treating them like they’re the last person on earth.
This is one of my problems in a nutshell. I am convinced that my current single status is a permanent one. You once said to me that I treat my ex like last chance saloon and that is exactly the belief that is stuck in my head and no wonder why I am single with that ruminating around. I try everyday to shake it but to no avail.
I don’t know how to believe anymore that better is coming. It is like I am settling for nothing, which is better then settling for AC but I know I need more.
Its so sad when we allow another person to define who we are and lose ourselves, I can say that because I am guilty of it as well. I always thought I loved myself enough and was smart enough not to let this happen to me but obviously I wasn’t because I allowed good looks and promises to fool me. However, every day I tell myself I WILL get over this because he is not the last guy on this earth! It just hurts so bad and I want to be over it and move on. During this period of NC I had a sneaky look at his FB page only to see that he seems happy and has left his brief dalliance with me behind him! That cut like a knife. He is a total narcissist, that pursued me hard, and gave me an insight to what life with him could be like, got what he wanted, bragged and boasted about his achievements and then just dropped me in a passive aggressive way when I started to show interest. Boy, have I learnt from this, its just a shame that I had to be 36 years old to learn this lesson.
i wrote this already … but i repeat myself only to show that these terrible feelings pass with time.
i’ve been broken up three months and don’t even want the guy back.
it’s like jumping a canyon. i know so well how it is to be on the side where you live or die depending on what he does, who he sees et al. then when you jump clear and land on the opposite canyon … all of the terrible feelings described, disappear … poof! in the wind.
it’s so wonderful to be free of being depressed, waiting for his call (text)dying when the call doesn’t come, wondering, wondering … will he call? does he like me? why doesn’t he like me! what frickin’ TORTURE.
now i could not care less if he is with 20 women … i just could not care LESS. i am free. and now i can start from scratch, rebuild my self esteem any way that i want, recreate my life, my attitude toward myself, redefine my boundaries.
i hope that everyone hits that moment when they say enough is enough, change their phone number and let time do its magic. and it does work, if you allow it.
OMG Leanna, I could have wrote your post myself. Only add in that my ex also wanted me to have his baby…he wanted three babies actually. I got pregnant, he moved me in, only to break up with me via email when things got slightly tough. The baby was only 5 1/2 months old and I was humiliated having to move back into my dad’s house at 39 years old. He was very intense at the start…convinced I was the love of his life within two months…asking me to move in with him really fast…all of his convincing amounted to a load of bs. He didn’t give a damn about my feelings and seemed to have no qualms about deciding to end things after all his grand promises and plans. That was a while ago now though Leanna. I can promise you (and this promise is one that is for keeps) that if you stay strong, you will come out of this experience happier and stronger…because you’ve learned so much.