Today is the final part of my 3 part explanation of the fundamentals of boundaries in relationships. In part one, I explained why boundaries are necessities, how boundaries are mostly taught through actions, how we teach people how to teach us, and how the core thread of human behaviour in relationships is acceptance and rejection. In part two, it was the big revelation that even if you don’t have boundaries, he does, plus I explained the necessity of consequences, and how ‘NO’ is not a dirty word. Here is the final 3….
8. Don’t use assumptions to drive your expectations of how others should behave
There’s a lot of reason why there is that saying about how making assumptions will make an ‘ass’ out of you – In speaking with many women over the last few years and reading the comments on this site, I see variations of this notion that we assume that because we think, feel, and act a certain way that the other person will do what we expect. This can feed into this idea that there are no boundaries necessary because surely the other party will do the right thing because they love you, care about you, are sleeping with you, or saying all of the right things?
Assumptions are not the same as expectations and you can’t have expectations of someone and a relationship without having boundaries.
Just as importantly though, you must sanity check your assumptions and expectations to unsure that you’re not under or over expecting…
Life is not a fairy tale. People don’t always do the right thing or even the thing that we expect. Yes it would be nice to assume and expect that everyone will play nice and be respectful within relationships, but there are too many factors that impact on a persons behaviour within a relationship to do this.
As women we find it far easier to deny the reality of someone’s behaviour, continue to make assumptions and expectations, and continue to let them cross boundaries or test them as we opt for dining off potential and being ‘optimistic’.
Claiming that you love, care, or want someone doesn’t give you an IOU to claim on and you cannot make assumptions or have expectations about someone who doesn’t have both feet in a relationship where there are no boundaries in place to ensure that you are not disrespected.
Assuming leads to uncommunicated expectations, which more often than not leads to boundary issues and this is because as discussed in part two, you are not communicating your boundaries, whether that is verbally or through actions.
Creating boundaries for your relationships leads to you being able to understand your expectations of a relationship.
Where there is one, there is the other. What is surprising though is that we love assuming and expecting without the boundaries in place to reflect our ‘ideals’…
If you look at it like this: If your boundaries are that you are only prepared to be involved with men who not attached to anyone else, who don’t disrespect you, who contribute to the relationship, who behave with honesty and integrity with you and others, and who don’t abuse you, drugs, alcohol etc, you not only will expect that a man will stay within these boundary lines but you won’t actually find yourself accepting the attention of a lying, cheat that has a penchant for coke… You’ll tell him to walk and keep walking.
9. When people disrespect your boundaries, it’s unlikely to be the once, so where one disrespect exists, there will be others.
This is why it’s important not to be short sighted and look at the overall picture. Instead of going – but he has some nice qualities or he’s great on his good days – it’s looking beyond the trees to the wood and saying – well most people have their good points but I cannot ignore the fact that he has done X, Y, and Z and that does not work for me.
Say it with me – If my boundaries are being crossed, this does not work for me. I can fight it, I can demand that they comply, but if nothing changes, it does not work for me.
This is why it is important to distinguish between what is completely unacceptable and what constitutes a wake up and pay attention warning.
The former means you opt out straight away – these are your core boundaries that should not change.
The latter means that you are not only aware of a potential problem but that you address it to ensure that it’s not something bigger that leads to it being a no-go. These are like your warning lights on the way to the boundary zone that give you indicators.
There’s no point in him sharing the same interests as you (for eg skiing, drinking fine wine, great for debating politics with etc), if the guy is a frickin assclown that won’t commit, won’t grow up, isn’t sure what he wants with you, screws around on you, calls you names, and repeatedly disrespects you and the relationship.
I wouldn’t feel that my boundaries had been crossed if a guy wanted to split the bill on the date but I would feel my boundaries had been crossed if he didn’t turn up, or if he said that he would call in a few days, but instead I heard from him several weeks later talking to me like we’d just spoken the day before…
Stick with a guy like this and he’ll always feel he can breeze in and out of your life, and even if you bollock him and tell him he’s out of line, he eventually figures out what what the maximum amount of time is that he can get away with not calling and he’ll ride with that.
10. Having boundaries is not just about ensuring that people don’t disrespect you – It’s about ensuring that you don’t keep putting yourself in situations where YOU end up disrespecting YOU.
Boundaries act as a signal that says step back. Your core boundaries should be your deal breakers, your unacceptable’s, your red flag, abort mission, the I don’t care why my libido or what I think my heart says, I’ve got to get out…for me.
If I guy tried to be overtly sexual with me on a first date or made an attempt to sleep with me, a warning alert would go to my brain. If he persisted and wouldn’t drop it, the alert would turn into a boundary crossing and I knew it was game over no credits.
You need to know your limits. This is liking, loving, and trusting your instincts so that even in those times when you do start to get carried away, that your core values and foundations that drive your boundaries, give you a base to come home to roost on…and get real and stay real.
That negative voice you have at times has no bounds and will leave you indecisive as you become riddled with self-doubt so you just ride the wave and hope everything will pan out because you don’t have a basis to sanity check your instincts against. Don’t allow negativity to power your decisions because you will end up with a negative result.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Ugh!!! This is what I hate and don’t understand. I was just “assertive” with my friend (cause he asked me for a favor) and I said you know I value your friendship but unfortunately I feel that when you need a favor or something from me I am there for you but I don’t feel you are there quite as much as when I need something from you. And his answer was: Ok then I wont ask you for anything anymore (in a snottish tone). Not for anything but if this was really my friend I would have expected a better response no?
Karen,
No, he isn’t in my opinion. Sounds like a user.
If someone came to me with the same concern I would have apologized and promised to make any necessary effort to correct the behavior. I have gone to friends in the past and expressed concern with different issues, they listened, apologized and then changed their behavior. I have also done the same when the situation was in the reverse.
Annied,
I think that when a EUM is trying to get in your business. He does not want you to move on to someone else who is totally interested in because he wants you to be available for him when it is convenient.
Hey ladies. Im at RulesGirl2theEnds for the whole weekend, and Im alone. My daughter is at her fathers, so shewill comehome stroppy. Anyway thats Mon eve. Johnt flown out too the state so we are her alne. Got cake and wine. Im ok its been a tough few weeks. I saw my ex last wed we had a quick chat. He was ok and he told me a lie, and today I heard he was out last Sat night in our local nightclub and he had been drinking. That for me is a real kick in the teeth as Ive supported him,and he told me he wanted to be clean. But you know, so what, Im done let him fuck the world for all I care. Im tired, mentally exhausted and Ive been comfort eating for 3 weeks solid!!! But you know what Im listening to my friend, I know I hve a few issues that I have to deal with. He dont love me, he cant, I dont take it personally, he can be someonelses party now. Great post by the guys I must say. Although stomach wrenching!!!
Thanks Gaynor
Thats what I was thinking. I hate to do this because I have known him for a very long time but I do feel that this is a one-sided situation and I do believe that if he or any other one of my friend’s said that to me I would have also apologized and changed my behavior. His response (I thought) was like as if he didn’t really care about how I was feeling and like he didnt want to do anything about it– and almost like a guilt trip… “Ok I wont ask you for anything anymore…sorry”. I guess discussing this any further with him is irrelevant? Like I said– I have known him for a long time…
LOL- KatyB has had a bottle of wine!!! She is pretty upset. However, because I have had so MUCH experience with an addict, I hope Ive explained to her that, although he may want to, he cant love her, he cant do it. Its not personal, its an addiction that he alone has to fight. He knows where to get the help, I feel he is absolutley going to spiral now!! I mean really go for it, he’s alone, addicts cant stand it!!! Hes already txt an ex girlfriend in the hope of getting a bit of sympathy, she’s my mate, she aint even answered. Katby B needs to be angry and noteven go to help him. I’ve told her, she has to let him go, he has to find his own way home now. Me as an addict, and a victim of such a relationship has learnt that we have to let go, with compassion she cant do it. However I can. Im now going to quote the Serenity prayer from AA, it applies to us all.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr
ABF I wish you well, I hope you find your path, I send this with love and understanding and wish you saftey, and when you come home we will be here to welcome you, because we will know that you come to make your amendment, at it comes from the heart, and we will once again trust and love you.
Rules, how did you get to be so compassionate and still be a hard arse??
Because you can be both, however what Ive learnt is that its not our job to fix, its our job to let go, for most importantly our own sakes and then theirs. Whatever the reason maybe. If its not going to work it aint going to work, dont sacrifice yourself putting off the the inevitable.
Karen,
Don’t let time be a factor when evaluating his behavior. I just let a friend of 10 years go, it always seemed liked it was an 80/20 thing. Why stick around for that. I don’t take it personally because he marginalizes everyone in his life. I wish him well.
NML – No, I’m finished this time … really. It felt different – this last break-up, on my part. This time felt final for me. The other times I almost looked at them as a bump and that surely we would end up together. Not so this time. I am actually really comfortable with the NC this time. I feel strong and good about keeping my “door” closed and locked.
The question I have about NC is more like a rhetorical question … Why, as humans, does it take silence? Why cant we just say, okay, it’s over and move along? Is it because of the “type” of relationship I was in? One that was clearly not right? One with a EUM?
I dont know. Maybe that’s it. I have broken up with guys before and they me and it just has never felt like such a huge deal to stay away and be quiet. Maybe I knew better then and just did it and now i have to “make” myself?
This mess is partly my fault, I know. Like that Mike guy said, if I had just taken my ex’s words in from the very start, this would have never happened at all. Hope that explains a little
Annied, I am really finished this time too. My NC really feels like a closed the door for good. All those bumps taught me along the way. I think it takes silence because when we do communicate with them it opens the door again for them to put their foot in it. It is really about them getting their needs met. Maybe we can’t over this one so easy because we are eternal optimists and have good hearts? Sometimes it is just where we are in our life and how we feel about ourselves. Btw: My internet date from the other day folded on me today and has been doing the fade. I kept my boundry/he’s flaking…and I succeeded in keeping my dignity and not getting invested by trusting my gut.
NC is hard, because there are always alot of unanswered questions. However, my true belief is that if your with a healthy man he will come and TALK to you, if not just a txt usually does it!! Keep it up. Get that man outta your hair, its your time now.
I wish my man would talk to me.?
Babe he aint healthy, he cant love you, he has only one true love, Its called cocaine, if not that booze, if not that sex. You honey, represent everything he is running from, normal life, living in his own skin, love, He just cant do it. Let him go. Eat the cake and drink wine and watch friends.
I 100% promise you ladies, when you are truly outta the woods and busy on your merry way, a guy will come and ask YOU out. Then you must have your dating skills up to scratch ie BOUNDARIES UP RED FLAG ALERT ON: sit back and enjoy the ride knowing you can choose whether your in or oh so out. You will know when your healthy because thes clowns will be like water of a ducks back. Oh some will get under the intial radar, dont take it seriosly, and just shoot em off one by one.
Gaynor and Tra – Yep – you are right. He doesnt care about me. I thought for a long time that he did and that was why he kept coming back – I mean, that is what he told me and I believed him. From what he said in this last b.up, I see that I was wrong, very wrong. The statement that cemented things for me was “this has never been right and it never will”. Okay, then. That says it all.
He cares about himself – only. He is very selfish and it would not surprise me in the least if he felt he was “betrayed” because I have actually moved on. Pfft!
Nysharon – cool. You know how I feel then. I swear this feels really different for me. At first, it also made me sad that it was totally over forever. Now I see myself coming “back” to who I used to be and wonder why I stayed with him when he brought nothing positive into my life at all. He was a well of needs and wants that I catered to.
ANYway, I also had a brush with an internet dude that I thought looked promising. Well, this time I am going with my gut … something about this guy bothers me. Whether it’s his online harum (on facebook) or his provocative photos of himself OR the fact that he admitted he has an STD … eh, no thanks!
Annie, good call on the new guy. Admitting he has had an std is more than a red flag – - run like the wind
!!
Here we are bleating on about these men!!! but as Rules says its us with options!!! lets play!
I like that promise aRules~ I’m sure the guys on this post can vouch for what you say because I hear that dudes love healthy, happy women! That’s a good thing ladies, we’re well on our way….correct?
Karen-I read your post about the person you are friends with. I too have been in this circumstance, and yes I had to end a 23 yr friendship just a few months ago with a gf. Yep, I figured she was an EUW after I started hitting this site, etc. For 23 yrs I was there for her. A last minute call she was in trouble, I was there. Her hubby (whom I do not like) had a heart attack, yep there in a moments notice. But when I had problems, asked a favor, needed someone to talk to she was always “busy”. Then we would meet up now and then and it was just weird like she was hiding stuff or something. Come to realize she was an alcoholic. She was hiding stuff alright, it was the bottle of booze. So she goes through treatment and who was there for her, yep you guessed it. Then she starts drinking again, about 12 months ago and I finally told myself, I’ve had enough of her drama. But up until 2-3 months ago, I didn’t associate her drama to EUW, I just thought it to be drama. So I had to pull the plug and finally cut the cord with her. I wish it could have been different, she just wasn’t going to change.
So in any case, boundaries apply to all of our lives. They apply to friends, family, co-workers, bosses, neighbors, whomever we interact with. It’s a domino effect, when you set your boundaries, you make better choices, you find more reputable people/friends to hang out with. It takes a while for all this to happen but it will, and soon all those drama seekers are gone, out of your life.
Looking back just a short time ago, I had no idea that I would ever feel good about losing a friendship, a relationship, and setting limits with family members. I felt obligated to always be kind, only say “no” if it was absolutely necessary and to do for them before I took care of myself.
Karen, as I read your posts you are getting stronger and stronger along with many others here; like Annied and Chloe. We were searching, looking not really knowing what we would find. We just needed to know, I think, that there was someone else out there who was feeling, living and suffering like we were. It was a relief for me to finally realize what was wrong with my past relationships, and even better that NML teaches us the way to make it better through her writing.
Many thanks!
Thanks Betterwithouthim
I couldn’t have come this far without you guys or NML’s help!!!
I forgot one boundry in this equation…..to tell my friends not to talk to me about what ‘he’ is doing. Now the ex has called a mutual friend (and one he has been jealous of, I think – or was that a ploy to keep detached from me?) and ask him to pass a message on to me. I have been NC for the past 2.5 months, ex has tried to contact a few times.
This mutual friend, who has been trying to council me to get away from the ex for the past 6 mos, tells the ex he does not want to be involved but will pass the message (wish he hadn’t).
Message: “I think she thinks I do not want to go out with her anynore but I was sick that night and wanted to go home. My intention was not to break it off”
But, I recall that I broke it off that night – the ex has always been a revisionist. Or perhaps my message was not strong enough…..
So, I ask my friend “what was his tone….his tone” – “lost puppy”
And what was his purpose of the message – “he’s in limbo”
Well, we all know the reality of our relationships – this is his ego. He’s in no limbo…..please. He’s undoubtedly seeing someone else..
And I hated all the angst, crap and bad behavior I put up with – so why would I contact him?
I spent all day today obsessing about calling him and meeting for the ‘conclusion’ or understanding the ‘misunderstanding’ or “setting him straight” on who broke up with who. I hate this! I hate needing to write this and post this. I’m sick of it, dead sick of it. Turn off these tapes in my head!!
I had my little speach all planned out to tell him….and then I called a friend who asked me if I was effing nuts!! Of course I am. I don’t understand this – how can I be so bloody obsessive with this. I disappoint myself but still want to indulge that little niggly stuff that is ego. Set him straight but then he gets to call the shots because I react. And he will walk away with what I am calling ‘power’….even though it is not. My NC means that he knows absolutely nothing about my life except that I am having my little Super Bowl party tomorrow. He decided to have one as well. We are overlapping people coming to our individual parties but I got my invitation out first. See? Pathetic. No wonder I am in therapy. Obsessive behavior.
I am sorry for the rant. I cannot tell you how close to the edge I am to react but know it is so wrong.
juju-Dont worry, we all do stuff like this. I today did something that was awful. I went to the “shop” and drove past my ex’s house just to see if he was in. Of course I could’nt tell. His bedroom curtains where open, at 10 am, so in my mind he didnt go home last night, or even worse he was still in bed with another girl and as he did with me open the curtains and make me a tea and get back into bed with me! How obsessive is that. Its hell. No he aint in contact with me, And people keep telling me that they’ve seen in our local night club every SAT since we broke up. Its murder. I honestly know where your coming from. The thing that makes me mad is that I should’nt give a damn really, he’s led me on a merry dance for nearly 2 years of my life, and the worst, the worst part of it is that I let him. BLEH!
Katyb
I know those feelings well. In fact yesterday while shopping I was in his neighborhhod and I had this brief thought of driving past his building. I just laughed and went in the ‘right’ direction.
It is so painful and I just want to sit and talk to him. But it won’t change anything, he won’t change and we (or I) have come too far to go back at this stage.
I hate this
And, those Sat/Sun mornings when I wake up alone and think of him waking (probably) with someone else just kills me. But the bad bits of the relationship outweighed the good bits. And he seems to have a selective memory of how he treated me or how he acted for the months up to the breakup. He thinks I wrongly think we are over. But if he just took the time to look at his actions.
I guess this all takes time
Katy,
More importantly, keep reminding yourself this guy is an addict! No win situation!!!
I still have those feelings too…and I have him on instant messenger and then take him off and put him on and take him off…driving myself crazy…because as Katyb says, I start imagining when he’s not on he’s with someone else, because of his pattern with me…I don’t know for sure, but I think he’s with someone else…why shouldn’t he be…I broke up with him…but then again, he came sniffing around under the guise of friendship over the holiday time and I talked with him for a few weeks and then I cut it off again. I have to move on and some days it’s easier than others…I realize full on how he didn’t have both feet in…in the beginning he did and the first year he had put in alot more effort, then when I had expectations, he’d pull away and we did that dance for close to two more years…I think it was the chemistry and how I felt when I was with him that kept me in there…but I realize that if I never feel that chemistry with anyone again, it’s ok…better to be with no one than to lower my standards, let him control everything. It’s been 2 weeks with NC before the last NC of 3 months…and it still hurts a lot at times.
It was good to read the insight of Mike and John and Brad to get a perspective…I do understand that when a guy isn’t that into you he will not have both feet in the relationship…what I just don’t get is why when I broke up with him and he knows full on that he is hurting me because I’ve told him – if he contacts me, why does he still do it…that is inexcusable and that to me is not a man. A man should leave a girl alone when she breaks up with him and isn’t contacting him, especially when HE KNOWS she is IN LOVE with him…what do you guys think about that? I think it is cruel!
Finally,
It’s about him only!!!! They are focused on their needs, not yours. Look at how this guy has treated you and numerous women over the years. Does it sound like he cared about anyone??? Go back and reread your post about his behavior. If this were a friend or sister, how would you advise them??
You know the answer to this question.
Ladies, find a way to stop the obsessing. What has got me through this time is just plain will power that I am not going to give in to those impules to drive by his house or respond to a text. Picture a better man in your life and truly believe it will come your way. Better–picture a better life with no drama, peace, and contentment whether a man is in your life or not–knowing one will find YOU then.
hi.. i have a question. i just read all the posts and they’re really good! i have a male aqquaintance who i have gone home with after a night out… and all the rest… 4 times now. i have a boyfriend and i hate doing this to him but i think i have feelings for the friend. just wondering would anyone have an insight into what the friend might be doing, is he just playing with me? we havent actually slept together but we’ve slept in the same bed…. mike you’ll probably tell me im being an idiot and he’s using me
i guess i can kinda see that myself..:(
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
Wow, love this site just came across it tonight when I couldn’t sleep because I was curious about reading up on emotionally unavailable men and was cracking up when I read: how to attract an emotionally unavailable man!! I totally agree, it’s not so much that we have a problem for getting them to say hi to us, it’s actually giving them the boot when we see that they are unfit to date!
I also loved these boundary posts as well — just up until this past year or so (27 now) I learned what boundaries were and then realized how important they are in relationships (No wonder why I was having a hard time he-he)…
I really thought your articles were extremely insightful and thought-out.
In regards to the boundary post: Yes, it’s so important to have your core value deal breakers that stand close to your heart because they are there to love, respect and protect us! Once we learn how to love ourselves we are proud to stand up for what we beleive and not back down — why would we want to??
finallyseenthelight—
I was in a similar situation to where I would put my ex-EUM on and off my instant messager. Until I came across this site, I didn’t see the clear truth that the only reason why this man would contact me was for a “ego stroke”. I was like a giddy fool when he would instant message me, I would act like I was just being “Friendly” but the only person I was being emotionally unavailable with was MYSELF… the only person I was fooling was myself. This man treated and threw me crumbs and I want to talk to him?? Why oh why… LOL… When you really see him or the cycle for what it is and want to get real, you won’t ever want to even give them the time of day… it takes a little while to get there.
“There’s no point in him sharing the same interests as you (for eg skiing, drinking fine wine, great for debating politics with etc), if the guy is a frickin assclown that won’t commit, won’t grow up, isn’t sure what he wants with you, screws around on you, calls you names, and repeatedly disrespects you and the relationship.”
Thank you for this. I had thought one was worth trading for the other. It is not.
Wow. Hmmmm, for some reason I’ve been avoiding reading the “Boundaries” posts – thought I probably didn’t need them, but as usual, after reading them, I’m stunned, a little embarassed, yet empowered.
I think that most of why and how I got involved with my XEUM is explained in these posts. And also, what I’m going through as he disappears again (I’ve promised myself this is the last time and am grieving it as though it is) is feeling unbelievably hurt and disappointed and disgusted with how he’s just dropped off the face of the Earth – as if I mean absolutely nothing to him. I just can’t comprehend how he could do this to me, and yet, I have allowed it before – I’ve allowed him to come back!
I WAS just out of an 8-year relationship (6 days) when I met him and had no business, and no intention really, of getting involved with anyone – but he pursued me. I guess I assumed that he was something like my ex. Assumed. I see so many assumptions that I’ve clinged to for the two years I’ve been “involved” with this EUM. Boy, this has been a painful eye-opener. I really need time to get to know myself and my desires and expectations.
Thanks so much for this post NML.
I’m also disgusted with myself that I’ve just been putting myself in people’s hands all my life – just saying basically, “Here you go…please treat me well” and hoping for the best. What? Never again!
I love this website because it teaches you how to be and act strong, and be stronger for yourself as a woman. Women were created to be loving, caring, gentle, and protective of their friends and families. Its does us no good to put ourselves in a position where were are abused, taken advantange of and left with no answers and no reasons as to why this happened to us. But this website really puts in all in perpective for us!
I always get attracted to the bad guy. i have always dated a bad guy and when i was chewed up and spit out i went for a good guy… not to mention way more attractive than any guy i ever dated! But i found myself bored and almost as though i had everything at the palm of my hands. You know when I say jump you say how high?? That was our relationship. Of course he had his boundaries and when i crossed them he left but was back again thinking I would change and fall madly in love with him. It was actually awful because I was begining to feel like i was lying to myself everyday; i felt like i didnt love him but i needed him to love me and when he left i would begin to think i did love him but when he came back i didnt. It was terrible! His family could see me for what i was worth, I knew i was doing this because of my insecurities and felt he was way too attractive to let go or some other beautiful girl would steal him from me and then I would for sure miss him and want him to be mine again. I was 18 at the time. When it ended this was when i knew I needed to do A LOT of changing for myself because it didnt matter how great the new guy was i still did not know how to appreciate him and the whole jumping into a new relationship with a “better” guy does not work unless you change the things about you that you need to work on.
So it’s true boundaries are very very essential. You can tell alot about someone when you give them the NO word and see how they react to it. If they respect you and themselves you will see it through their character and can feel confiden that you two are heading in a healthy direction that doesnt have to do with POWER or CONTROL.
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