Today is the final part of my 3 part explanation of the fundamentals of boundaries in relationships. In part one, I explained why boundaries are necessities, how boundaries are mostly taught through actions, how we teach people how to teach us, and how the core thread of human behaviour in relationships is acceptance and rejection. In part two, it was the big revelation that even if you don’t have boundaries, he does, plus I explained the necessity of consequences, and how ‘NO’ is not a dirty word. Here is the final 3….
8. Don’t use assumptions to drive your expectations of how others should behave
There’s a lot of reason why there is that saying about how making assumptions will make an ‘ass’ out of you – In speaking with many women over the last few years and reading the comments on this site, I see variations of this notion that we assume that because we think, feel, and act a certain way that the other person will do what we expect. This can feed into this idea that there are no boundaries necessary because surely the other party will do the right thing because they love you, care about you, are sleeping with you, or saying all of the right things?
Assumptions are not the same as expectations and you can’t have expectations of someone and a relationship without having boundaries.
Just as importantly though, you must sanity check your assumptions and expectations to unsure that you’re not under or over expecting…
Life is not a fairy tale. People don’t always do the right thing or even the thing that we expect. Yes it would be nice to assume and expect that everyone will play nice and be respectful within relationships, but there are too many factors that impact on a persons behaviour within a relationship to do this.
As women we find it far easier to deny the reality of someone’s behaviour, continue to make assumptions and expectations, and continue to let them cross boundaries or test them as we opt for dining off potential and being ‘optimistic’.
Claiming that you love, care, or want someone doesn’t give you an IOU to claim on and you cannot make assumptions or have expectations about someone who doesn’t have both feet in a relationship where there are no boundaries in place to ensure that you are not disrespected.
Assuming leads to uncommunicated expectations, which more often than not leads to boundary issues and this is because as discussed in part two, you are not communicating your boundaries, whether that is verbally or through actions.
Creating boundaries for your relationships leads to you being able to understand your expectations of a relationship.
Where there is one, there is the other. What is surprising though is that we love assuming and expecting without the boundaries in place to reflect our ‘ideals’…
If you look at it like this: If your boundaries are that you are only prepared to be involved with men who not attached to anyone else, who don’t disrespect you, who contribute to the relationship, who behave with honesty and integrity with you and others, and who don’t abuse you, drugs, alcohol etc, you not only will expect that a man will stay within these boundary lines but you won’t actually find yourself accepting the attention of a lying, cheat that has a penchant for coke… You’ll tell him to walk and keep walking.
9. When people disrespect your boundaries, it’s unlikely to be the once, so where one disrespect exists, there will be others.
This is why it’s important not to be short sighted and look at the overall picture. Instead of going – but he has some nice qualities or he’s great on his good days – it’s looking beyond the trees to the wood and saying – well most people have their good points but I cannot ignore the fact that he has done X, Y, and Z and that does not work for me.
Say it with me – If my boundaries are being crossed, this does not work for me. I can fight it, I can demand that they comply, but if nothing changes, it does not work for me.
This is why it is important to distinguish between what is completely unacceptable and what constitutes a wake up and pay attention warning.
The former means you opt out straight away – these are your core boundaries that should not change.
The latter means that you are not only aware of a potential problem but that you address it to ensure that it’s not something bigger that leads to it being a no-go. These are like your warning lights on the way to the boundary zone that give you indicators.
There’s no point in him sharing the same interests as you (for eg skiing, drinking fine wine, great for debating politics with etc), if the guy is a frickin assclown that won’t commit, won’t grow up, isn’t sure what he wants with you, screws around on you, calls you names, and repeatedly disrespects you and the relationship.
I wouldn’t feel that my boundaries had been crossed if a guy wanted to split the bill on the date but I would feel my boundaries had been crossed if he didn’t turn up, or if he said that he would call in a few days, but instead I heard from him several weeks later talking to me like we’d just spoken the day before…
Stick with a guy like this and he’ll always feel he can breeze in and out of your life, and even if you bollock him and tell him he’s out of line, he eventually figures out what what the maximum amount of time is that he can get away with not calling and he’ll ride with that.
10. Having boundaries is not just about ensuring that people don’t disrespect you – It’s about ensuring that you don’t keep putting yourself in situations where YOU end up disrespecting YOU.
Boundaries act as a signal that says step back. Your core boundaries should be your deal breakers, your unacceptable’s, your red flag, abort mission, the I don’t care why my libido or what I think my heart says, I’ve got to get out…for me.
If I guy tried to be overtly sexual with me on a first date or made an attempt to sleep with me, a warning alert would go to my brain. If he persisted and wouldn’t drop it, the alert would turn into a boundary crossing and I knew it was game over no credits.
You need to know your limits. This is liking, loving, and trusting your instincts so that even in those times when you do start to get carried away, that your core values and foundations that drive your boundaries, give you a base to come home to roost on…and get real and stay real.
That negative voice you have at times has no bounds and will leave you indecisive as you become riddled with self-doubt so you just ride the wave and hope everything will pan out because you don’t have a basis to sanity check your instincts against. Don’t allow negativity to power your decisions because you will end up with a negative result.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
{ 137 comments }
← Previous Comments
Next Comments →
Hi everyone. My brother can be a complete “MEATHEAD” – more often than not. But,he is 100% correct in what he has posted. I wish he could learn a better way to express it. I hope he didn’t offend too many people today… I know he wants the best for me – actually for all of you. But he is a man, he has treated prior girlfriends this way (notice the word “prior”) so he does know what he’s talking about. Some of these girls have told him to drop dead while others have hung around hoping for a return of the “Not So Great One” as I sometimes call him. I’m just asking that if you ever feel like you want to go back to these guys, please PRINT his posts and tape them everywhere you can and READ them over and over.
Thanks and again, sorry!!
Mike,
Keep posting, I don’t find you rude, just, brutally honest as NML states and Ifind your comments coming from an open and honest POV. I admire your concern for your sister and she, I am sure, is thankful to have a brother like you.
Thanks for posting….Gail
Gotta agree with Mike. I said myself. However, it doesnt take alot to have a bit of integrity does it Mike, if you really dont want the girl dont keep giving her one, Women equate sex with love. As an adult us as real men should process that. It doesnt make me any less of a man to consider a woman, especially an emotionally weak woman, wich us guys can sniff out a hundred paces. I changed a few things and stayed clear of them, yes my options plummeted, but hey its the girls who should be choosing us, thats what we love really. Have some respect for these ladies they’ve all been through the ringer, just like your sister.
Not that NML needs any praise from me, but her posts (the few that I’ve actually read) are 100% dead on accurate. I hope she will continue to post for a very long time.
Thanks – your articles are really helping my sister.
Mike,
I appreciate your honesty. You said what you had to say right out no mincing words.
I saw the red flags in my former relationship and I chose to ignore them. I was afraid to be alone and in the bitter end, I was a gumby doll, twisting my mind to fit his up and down mood swings. I should have kicked my own ass and bounced.
Peace
JohnT
You’re right – but according to your post, YOU changed and steered clear of these women, not the other way around (like it should be). Unfortunately, “integrity” does not have a very high ranking with some of the male population.
See girls, see what a bit kick back does to a man, they change tact, they respond to boundaries, even if they are collective, thats what you should be doing everytime one of the assclowns starts to put it on you, BANG. They either calm down and respond or do one. Sorry Mike you have very valid points, but we girls have had just about enough of having our arses kicked for being loving, yes emotionally weak at times, but noone died of being loved did they, oh unless your a bloke that is.
She’s on one now, there’ll be no living with her now. LOL.
My final post for this article today ( I can hear the collective “Thank God” across the internet).
Everyone (men and women) deserves a healthly relationship where both parties are committed to making it work. Relationships are not easy but if your relationships are about constantly trying to make a guy see how great you are, trust me… he doesn’t and probably never will. And men don’t think with their hearts… so if at all possible, when making that decision whether to leave or stay, leave your heart out of it. That should make your decision 100% easier. If you’ve made the decision to leave, 99.9% of the time that was the right one. We all know it’s hard to date today and everyone comes with a little baggage, (unless they have lived in another solar system for the past 20 years) and that’s normal (at least I think so). That baggage should help you in the future to determine when behavior is unacceptable. Nobody is perfect so don’t even try to be with a man. You could wind up making yourself even more miserable. A man should never be the end all/be all of your life – and I’m a guy telling you that!!
Best of luck to all of you. I’m sure this site will help you in finding the person that you are meant to be with. And by that, i mean the person that treats you with respect!!
If Chloe will allow me to post in the future, I will.
Yes I did because I was leaving devistation in my wake, especially when a woman cldnt be strong enough to leave, I had issues myself, using women for sex blah blah blah. Its no way to live, not for me. However it is up to us all to make healthy choices for ourselves, woman havnt got monoply on this, if we do we meet the ones that matter instead, having options, and treating woman like fuck-jars! Yeah ok they may allow it, but why screw someone over. Its juvinile and crap. People, children get hurt. Everyone has to take responsibility. Like Ive said and Mike has too, men suck, get a grip and kick them into the gutter, before they even try it.
Mike,
I truly hope you keep visiting this site and continue posting!
Chloe– we are all here for you and you are lucky to have a brother like Mike! KEEP STRONG!!!
What does it mean when a guy(s) tell me that I am too confident? I don’t know whether that means to dumb down or what.
Mike’s comments just make me more determined to stay far far away from the guy I was with, and yes I wish it hadn’t taken me months to see things for what they were …
Isabella.. (sorry, I know I said my other post was the last one)
It means your a challenge and he knows he would have to put some effort into getting anything out of you. So far, you have the upper hand.
Mike, John T and Brad K,
Your posts are great and I enjoy reading from a male’s view too.
Mike.. thank you for your posts. I hope you do come back and post again.
It’s just as important for us to be given the business straight up as it is for us to be supportive (empathetic) of one another.
Personally, Mike shared a lot of good stuff and for me it hurt my feelings a little at first. I think his post triggered something within, maybe it’s that piece of insecurity or low self-esteem. Yep, I got a bit angry too, but then I realized from his posts that he was not trying to attack us but rather gave it to us straight.
Some of our posts go on and on like we all attending a pity party. The one from Mike stopped the pity party and gave me (personally) a wake up call. I appreciate his outspoken demeanor and maybe it could have been toned down a bit at first. But Mike did adjust his posts after reading some of the responses.
Whatever the case, this worked for me. Mike was sort of the guy friend I needed to help me make sense of all the my past with an EUM.
Mike, got a question and need the brutal truth. I let MM blow through my boundaries, my fault. Relationship lasted for a year, he shocked me by saying he loved me a couple of months ago, I did too. The intensity increased after the “I love you’s” then suddenly poof, vanished. I’m crushed, crying and have got to move on. No contact. Will I ever hear from MM again, or is this the end?
fllngdown8,
I’m not mike, but do you want to hear from him? How long has it been since you heard from him?
I think this is a good time to work on you. I know how hard it is. I’m going through the same the thing.
Karen – totally agree with you, whilst we have to get angry as part of the greiving process – it really is better to let it go, staying angry just keeps us obsessing about them and the situation, indifference & feeling lucky to be out of the situation is a far better place to be.
Mike – fantastic posts, we need to hear it & deep down we know you are a right, we can only be treated how we allow ourselves to be treated and my word I know that I lived in denial for a pretty long time! I have not posted on here for a while after breaking nc over the christmas period and having to learn yet another big fat lesson the hard way yet again!! – I continue to read this site though every day &im back doing nc but this time trying to let go of the anger & obsessing about him and putting my energy into me instead, i hope all you wonderful ladies do the same.
Mike…..I agree with most of what you said. If we allow someone to treat us like crap then they’ll continue to to do it to get whatever goodies they’re getting for free. My problem is the deceitful guys. The ones that are doing things behind your back and telling you something different to your face. It’s not always so cut and dried. We don’t always know what the hell is going on. Oh we may suspect, as in being cheated on.but until you have that proof you stay confused. So life is really shades of grey, not only black and white.
Also when you’re in love with someone, no matter how slimy, they are you’re going to go through a grieving process.. Maybe the guy no longer cares but the woman doesn’t stop caring. It’s like a death, you go through the stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It’s not so easy to walk away from someone you love. Especially women that have low self esteem, poor boundries and fears of being alone. Just sayin.
flingdown8 – actions speak louder than words!! would you tell someone you loved them & then disappear on them?? that is not love & you deserve far better.
myalmost – isent suspecting you are being cheated on enough?? why should we need actual proof!!?? i do know what you saying about the deceit as these men are very clever & will tell you what you want to hear, but deep down I think we know – well I know I did – really I deceived myself!!!
@ Mike,
I struggled for years, learning to operate a chat board (DraftResource.com, for new draft horse owners). One rule I stumbled over that helped improve communication was to “talk about the horses, not the visitor (to the site).” When I started visiting here, I found I had to learn to communicate all over again. Not just because I was used to “guy talk” and that is different, but because I was learning to express what I wanted to say, in writing. Words that needed to stand alone, that needed to be meaningful past the moment.
Words that might affect someone. And I wanted to help.
You might consider a guide like I found – talk about the problem, the question, the situation, and not about the visitor.
Peace!
@ isabella,
Thanks for the kind words!
Fling,
I think you need to ask yourself, why do you want to hear from him? Does this relationship have a chance of going forward????
I thought we had something really special, yes I want to hear from him but know it would be best not to. Find it hard to believe that he would vanish like that after growing so close recently. Crushed… but trying to deal.
Mariposa, would love to chat on gmail… this is really difficult. fllingdown8@gmail.com
I’m a new poster but I have been reading this site for the last few months. I run into my EUM often because we belong to the same org. Which means wounds opens over and over, even though I have NC during the interim periods. I still have fun without thinking about him at events but when I leave, sometimes I wish he’d contact me(which sometimes happens but nothing never moves on more than that). We’ll speak(always on the run) and he’ll mention “be patient” or “I still love u”. I play cool without breaking a sweat and almost treat him like he’s nothing to me. I saw him last week end while I was DJing a party. He was called for security( Warning: EX CHI Town COP!!) and here we again. I just can’t to seem to avoid him. Anyway, Mike and any other man keep posting. The truth makes me cry but I need hear it. this site keeps it real Yes, men are crappy in Chi-Town too.
nevergoingbackthereagain……I was in the dark for many months. My only clues were some behavior changes but he lied and lied to me. When I say proof I just mean you want to be sure before you accuse someone of cheating.. In the end I found out what I needed to know and that’s what set the NC ball rolling but not after a tremendous amount of emotional pain, I loved this man with all my heart, it left a huge hole in my life because we spent so much time together.
The good news is after four months of NC I’m finallty getting over this whole thing. It still stings sometimes but it’s nothing like the struggle I went through in the beginning.. I was a WRECK. I’m concentrating on myself and my life. Trying to get my self esteem back in order. It took a major battering.
Fling,
Go back and reread all of NML’s posts on boundaries this should make things a little clearer. I would also focus on on the much appreciated male perspective, it should help with any ambiguity you may be having.
Wow, over 70 posts.
I have to agree with Mike and John – may I ask how old you both are?
It IS our responsibility to tell a man to go and hit the road.
All of NML’s post about Boundaries makes this so clear.
Her post about: Will he contact me and her answers why he may contact you, should make all of us women on this website throw up.
It all boils down to, he is not coming “back: because he now loves you and can see what he “lost”, hell no, it is what he can get out of it.
It is all about using us again for whatever this creep may need at that moment.
I am not saying these men are not responsible for their actions, but we are the ones that can tell them, no sorry, can’t do.
Please don’t take me wrong, I have done the chasing, the BS, the making excuses, the “heartaches” and NML put me on the right track and I have learned over the last year a lot and I am grateful for her, her website and the people posting here.
When I go on a date and he says ” I will call you”, I don’t think for a second” Will he call me?” If I liked him and he didn’t call, too bad, if I didn’t like him and he didn’t call me, good he saved me one step.
John, Mike, I hope you will keep on posting, join Brad, I am always glad for a male input! Brad has provided good input for a long time, so join him!
Hello all,
I find this whole new male perspective very interesting. Mike is cool. Brad, I am still out on. He walks the walk, but, does he talk the walk? Mike seems real to me. Listen to him.
Don’t we say look at how the man acts in the beginning? Mike’s first statement was “As a guy, I can’t believe women like you exist.” Which is a put down and insult to all of us here. Now y’all are praising his honesty, when he speaks up for men who use women without regard or remorse. For all we know, he and his father trained Chloe to accept user abusive men. Chloe, for your sake I hope this is not true, or that if it is you find the grace to transcend.
Also there is his use of all caps (yelling) which I would not tolerate from any man, and it has led to some of us following suit.
Boundary question: how do you tell the difference between honesty and rudeness?
Regina, I think it’s fairly safe to say that the thread has ‘progressed’ – not just here but also where Mike actually placed his original comment on the 2nd article. The caps thing? Replacement for italics I would guess otherwise I would have long ago started taking offence and banning many readers from the site…
As Mike has stated who he is and Chloe has since responded to his comments, I would avoid getting personal about him, her, or his family, regardless of what you feel your basis is for it. It’s also up to other readers to decide how they do or don’t feel about his comments – you can dislike and disregard his comments – that’s your prerogative. Others want to and need his honesty because they have spent enough time avoiding honesty and fluffing it up. If several women who read Marks comments can take a big step forward, because his comments gave them a jolt of reality from the male perspective, why hate?
Sometimes we don’t always hear what we want to hear how we want to hear it, but the message is nonetheless important.
As for the rudeness and honesty thing – Mike has not said anything that I haven’t said before. Yes he could package up nicely so that he doesn’t disturb anyone’s sensibilities, but would he have added to the discussion. I made my point about this in response to his comments in part 2. He didn’t just make one comment Regina – he made several and added to the discussion and explained himself. If he was seeking to be rude, he wouldn’t have made the subsequent comments that he did or responded directly to readers.
At the end of the day, it’s how you choose to take it and how I see his comments or other readers is not how you see it – and that is ultimately the difference between honesty and rudeness – The former is when the message comes across needed and the person wants to hear it. The latter is that you don’t want or need the message, can’t see any benefit to it and take offence.
Oh and Regina – I’m not sure what context you meant the first sentence in but yes I do say look at how a man acts in the beginning but if a man behaves like a prince for 2 weeks and a bastard for 50, why would I be telling women to look at the 2 weeks?
mariposa. I’ve been no contact for about two months, but as this was totally disfunctional relationship for at least a year and I was aware of that, but still stayed in it, I expected that I will move faster forward in my life.
metsgurl thanks, I guess you are right, but it seems to be a very slow process, getting over even if it was such a bad and unworthy experience/relationship.
Just popped on here before I trot out to work, to see how the post has trangressed. Its all very interesting stuff. I like that men tell us how it is, however, just because thats how it is to them, does not mean we have to tolerate it. Why should it be up to woman to wise up, men play there role in this too. I feel that Mike although honest, from the first post, doesnt see it as his pergotive to take the blame for how women end up feeling, ie not to fix us, thats true. However that doesnt exuce cap behaviour, men should at times grow some balls and let go of us, completley, and stop using those they know love them as options. However girls its up to us to stop being that option. Its a tough journey, NC is a tough programme but it has to be done, you just cant keep doing it to yourselves.
Isabella- Any bloke that tells you your just to confident is a way of manipulating you, down. Dont even think about dumbing down, hold your head up and keep going, he’s floundering, if he dont like it he needs to walk and keep walking. If he wont go but keeps trying to put you down, to wear you down, give him one mighty push to get him walking. Dont even watch him go, NEXT!!
Loving this site, its empowering and such a reality check and it keeps me smiling and knowing that everything I put in place for myself a couple of years ago, works, was the right thing to do. I protected myself, as Mike said its something that we must all learn and in my case keep learning and reminding myself why oh why I got to be a fighter instead of some down trodden women with another sob story to tell about how badly men treated me. Ladies keep smiling and working on yourselves, its a tough time and maybe this year is going to be a bit lonley, but its also a time of rejuvination. Promise yourselves never never is an assclown going to mess up your life, head and even in the worst cases your health, effect friendships and relationships with others, because thats what happens, it sucks the very life and soul from the whole of your life. Be strong and get to grips with boundaries and those red flags, dont assume people will behave as you do, they dont, and if its niggling you, its time to move on out. Keep strong and NC works.
I have been on this site for a few months now, I take time every day to read posts, gain strength from some and scratch my head at others and sometimes even feel awkward posting on here. I was supported and helped through an epiphany break up back in December and am very appreciative to Natalie and all those that lended an ear and gave support to me and help the women on here get through trying times, without being judged. We are all here for a common reason which leads me to think the following.
I am surprised at some of the rebuttals about Mike being posted. Isn’t his honesty something we all wish we had from the assclowns we’ve all encountered and are trying to get over? Don’t we all wish we had recognized early on that a guy who is only texting us is only doing it because he wants a booty call and nothing more? Isn’t this site and the book about realizing and learning that if a guy wants to move on, has been a jerk, treats us badly and we put up with it, that it’s our responsibility to step back and punt and take ownership of what we do with that information? Recognizing the signals early on that this is someone we don’t need to be with, “abort mission”, that it’s time to let go and not take it personally and move on with Our life?
I know this is a hard thing to do, especially if you (like myself) had no boundaries or the tools to deal with these type of relationships. For me personally, I look at Mike’s comments as another tool in the toolbox. I think that his comment about “not believing that women like us exist” was an opening line and followed up by the fact that he does realize we exist because his sister exists.
Sometimes we just don’t want to hear the truth because the truth hurts or quite frankly, we just don’t want to hear it which has gotten us in trouble time and time again. Many times through words and actions, men have told us what the deal is and we have refused to listen Or we just didn’t know what those words and actions really meant.
For example, I just don’t understand the getting involved in the Married Man thing, the guy is married where does anyone really think it can go, no matter what he says, once a cheat always a cheat. This is not something I have any experience in because I just wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t want to be treated that way so why would I do it to another woman? The fact is that for whatever reason there are women on here that do get involved with a Married Man but I have never judged them and realize that they are in as much pain as I have been trying to get out of the relationship. Mike is baring all and telling us, leave it alone, it’s a no win situation and here are some circumstances, again from the male pov that either we can hoose to accept or ignore and if we accept it, be prepared to deal with it.
Anyone on here, as Natalie mentioned, can use this information, believe or not believe, agree or disagree with what is being said.
Sometimes I don’t agree with all of Brad’s comments for instance but it’s his pov from a man’s perspective and food for thought.
My point is you don’t have to agree with everything that is written, kind of like saying NO. I don’t think Mike called any One person out in his initial comment and it definitely wasn’t directed to anyone personally, it was his pov from his own experiences and a definition of the actions displayed by assclowns that we can Choose to either accept or ignore. For one, I appreciate the male pov from Brad, JohnT and now Mike. I wish all men, if they are just assclowns, we get involved with would be so direct and honest in the beginning by wearing a sign that “I am an assclown, beware”, that just doesn’t happen and hopefully, in time, we get better at spotting them.
Obviously it struck a cord in many of us because it’s been an interesting thread ever since….Gail
Hi everyone. Just wanted to make a point that the use of CAPS in my posts is just for emphasis. Nothing more.
And to Regina Toxic… your comment regarding Chloe, me and my father was out of line.
To Brad K
While I appreciate your post regarding where I should go as far as how to write on this site, based on the responses to my posts, I’m hoping I have opened a few more eyes yesterday than were open the day before.
If you don’t mind, I will continue writing in my style and you can continue writing in yours.
Thank you !!
I have a question. Can a friend be an EUM as well? NML talks about having to have boundries in every area but I have this friend who I am always there for thick and thin. He needs a ride to the airport– im there! He needs me to run an errand for him— sure no problem. However every once in awhile when I need something– Im having trouble distinguishing between what is an excuse or if he is just taking advantage of my friendship. I dont always say yes and while i know that he doesnt have a car, doesnt have much $$$ etc…etc… I just feel like I can’t count on him as much as he can count on me but he tells me (which is true) you know i dont have a car…. I cant help you with that. Or — you know I dont have $$$ — if i did— I would do that for you. Anyway– since I am serious about defining my boundries in all aspect of my life— im just wondering… how do i know the difference between when something is a legititamite reason and when it is just an excuse??? What does this sound like to you guys?
Karen,
It sounds like another one-sided relationship. Relationships of all kinds should be give-and-take, if one is always taking then they are abusing the relationship. I had to do a little ‘house cleaning’ recently as I realized a few friends were always taking from the relationship, enough was enough as I was tired of being disappointed by their behavior. I recognized-through this site- that one of my male platonic friends was an EUM, it was always about him and his drama with his job, with his ex, etc……….. I finally just cut him off completely. If we are continually not feeling good about a relationship you must realize they are not healthy and move on.
We need boundaries in every area of our life!!!!!
Hey Gaynor-Boundaries are essential in all our relationships. I had to say No to a friend yesterday, because she needed something sorting out with a mutual friend, who in fact had acted outragously on Wed night. However the problem was not mine and not my issue, she asked if I could talk to her, I said no, as she was the one who needed to say no to her, and not be afraid to assert her boundary. Its tough, but we have to learn to stop fixing, Ive found at times this friend has also taken advantage of my good nature one or two times in the past. So I said No, I like her friendship we have a goodtime but I cant fix her problems.
Hi Rules,
Good for you!!!
We have to sort out the good from the bad in every area of our life.
Hi. I have a question. I
have read about NC and I am “doing it” right now and yes, I am feeling better because of it. What I want to know is – why is it that Silence is the only way to get your point across?
Are we not all humans and were given the “gift” of speech? Is communication “wrong”? Why is it so much of a struggle to simply get your point across? Why does it take NC to do that? My ex is not a stupid person. Why do I have to act like he has dropped off the face of the earth for him to leave me alone? Is it my fault for letting him come back in earlier times and this is all I have left?
And speaking of boundaries, he is still not respecting mine and continues to try to engage me after he broke up with me and I told him to “stay away from me”.
Like someone earlier said – a break up is supposed to be painful – and I am trying to get over it by asking for some space and peace. This is very confusing.
Annied,
You can always threaten him with actions from the authorities, that should get him off your back. He is probably contacting you b/c in the past you gave in and responded, show him you mean business this time and remain NC!!!!
For these guys “speech” is wrong, as it goes in one ear and out the other. Remember, we are dealing with a different breed here. They don’t care!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks guys! I’ve realized that I have to assert myself more in all aspects of my life. Boundries are important and unfortunately when you start being a little more assertive you are labeled as a B**tch. Oh well… Im tired of being taken advantage of in intimate relationships as well as with platonic one’s. In the end I have to take responsibility for the behaviour that I allow right? Ok then– taking responsibility and not being afraid to say no or be more assertive!!!
Thanks again!!
Karen,
You’re not being a bitch for standing up for yourself. Think about all the people you know who enforce their boundaries, do you believe them to be bitches or bastards, or do respect them? This is how you will be seen. I believe we are loved and respected more for standing up for ourselves and for what we believe in.
Stay Strong!!!!!!!
Gaynor, yea … he works with me too.
This morning I was talking to a male friend of mine about some dude who is interested in me (and I’m not sure about). As soon as my friend left, my ex – all puffed up like he’s ready to battle – comes up to my desk and says ‘…. i know you were talking to ** about me earlier. voices carry, you know.” I said, “I wasnt talking about you! Why would I want to?” and he stalked off. grrr. I was so angry.
Then later on today, he was at his desk slamming stuff around, acting all ticked. Well, luckily he has left for the day but what do you think? He figured out I was talking about ANOTHER dude and it made him mad? Wth?
Like I said, this is all so very confusing. He made it perfectly clear this last b-up (16 days ago) that he didnt want to do this anymore. Said we both needed to “take the burdens off” and move on with our lives. Well, awesome. That is what I am trying to do.
I’m beginning to think he is a little nuts.
Annie D – I have a question for you – Bearing in mind everything else that has happened before (I have read extensively of your relationship in the comments), what would you do as an alternative to this to ‘get your point across’? I ask this because the posing of this question sounds like you don’t understand why you’re doing NC in the first place or don’t believe in it? Do you actually want this to end or do you want this to create a reaction from him to try to get him to come around to your way of thinking? Basically, are you doing NC because you have actually had enough and the relationship is over? Or are you doing NC in the hope that he will change and you get what you want?
fllingdown8,
I tried sending you a msg. but it came back undeliverable. I hope you’re doing better today. Just hang in there.
Annied,
How horrible!!! Have you considered looking for another job?? Perhaps you should take this to a superior if he doesn’t back off?
Don’t interpret his anger with caring, he has had numerous opportunities to take you into his life and hasn’t. They don’t want us in their lives but then then they don’t want anyone one else to have us either. This is not love but simple control and manipulation.
← Previous Comments
Next Comments →