do you need to defriend your ex on Facebook?

Before Facebook, I would never have been able to keep in touch with peeps I went to school with etc without having to go to much greater lengths and efforts. Now, I get little snapshot glimpses into the worlds of people and I know stuff like who’s pregnant, who’s suffering with heartbreak, who got married, who’s sitting on the toilet, who spends too much time playing Farmville and I’ve even witnessed a nasty divorce unfolding.

Keeping in touch has changed and so has breaking up.

Back in ‘olden times’ you really had very little means of keeping in touch with someone or keeping tabs on them. Now when you break up, along with lazy means of communication like text messages, email, and instant messenger, you now have to deal with Facebook and other forms of social networking. The most frequently mentioned source of online angst is of course Facebook. After experiencing massive growth in the last few years, it’s causing sleepless nights, compulsive urges, and arguments about being insensitive or why they were snooping around in your business in the first place. Before, where you could break up in private, by opening yourself up to ‘sharing’ information about your life on Facebook, it means that you have to go through what can be quite a public and often painful process of breaking up online.

Facebook is compelling because it’s a very passive way of getting a window into other people’s lives – you can snoop without feeling like a snooper. However for the broken hearted (and the type of person hellbent on keeping a foothold in your life), it’s a very passive way of keeping tabs on your ex. It’s on one hand brilliant for rubbernecking and on the other, it’s a painful kick in the teeth that reminds you that they’re moving on and…you’re not.

The most common issues centre around:

Trying to be the Good Girl/Good Guy and stay friends and then feeling entirely uncomfortable with watching them move on.

Becoming obsessed with tracking your ex’s movements on Facebook.

Your ex using Facebook to keep a foothold in your life, pry into your private life and generally make a nuisance out of themselves.

Being worried about how you’re perceived by mutual friends, their family etc post breakup or having these people create awkward situations for you.

But it doesn’t have to be this way or you can at least keep the angst to an absolute minimum.Even with the most friendly of partings, some space is needed and unless you have hide of rhino or have already moved on yourself, you’re going to find it pretty difficult if your ex is publicly moving on or looking like The Happiest Ex Alive. Unless you have to see your ex each day (I had to sit across the office from one of mine), the less reminders you have of them the better.

When you break, you break. That means shutting out access to your ex on the likes of Facebook because whether it’s that you couldn’t cope with their updates the first, fifth or twentieth time, or they’re interfering in your life, or mutual friends are creating discomfort, you need space from them on Facebook too.

Remember: There was once a time when we didn’t have to watch our ex parade their new piece around virtually or have to watch our backs online….that was only a few years ago!

Get over this ‘let’s be friends’ malarky

Many of us are obsessed with being The Good Girl (or The Good Guy) so of course when you break up, you make the shady decision to be friends. I’ve always said – the reason why we want to stay friends with an ex is so that we can 1) not feel so bad (either that we’re not an assclown or that we’re not friend worthy), 2) keep tabs on them and 3) hopefully show them what they’re missing.

Facebook has become the 21st century way of doing the insincere ‘let’s be friends’ after a breakup.

Let me stress again – the great majority of the time when someone suggests being friends after the breakup or accepts your offer, it’s because it is the polite thing to do. OK that, and the worst types are hoping they can line you up for a shag at a later date…

Now with Facebook, people can get even lazier and may not even bother with the perfunctory text or phonecall anymore, after all why bother when with a few clicks they can see how you’re doing and work out whether you’re miserable (they think you still want them) or happy (they think it’s time to mess up your life and get in touch).

The reality is that when you stay friends with an ex on Facebook you can both comfort yourselves that you’re ‘good people’ that can stay in touch and of course, you inadvertently hope that this will act as social proof to those that know you both.

Really, you have to stop giving Facebook too much power in your breakup. If you’re obsessed with checking your ex’s movements on Facebook, it’s not Facebook causing you pain – it’s you!

The best thing that you can do with your ex on Facebook is either 1) de-friend them or 2) hide their updates from your newsfeed.

Remaining friends with your ex on Facebook assumes that:

1) They’re not an assclown and are actually friend worthy.

2) While you may not be over them, you’re OK with it being over.

3) That you’re not predisposed to check up on your ex (you’re not the type that would check up on them on dating sites etc)

4) While you won’t be skipping with joy, you’re prepared for the possibility of hints of their life appearing on Facebook whether it’s on their profile or those of mutual friends.

5) You won’t develop a compulsive urge to check on their updates morning, noon, and night.

If you can say yes to the above then it seems fairly safe to stay friends. Even if you do find yourself uncomfortable you can always hide their updates from your newsfeed. Another instance where you can stay friends with your ex on Facebook is if you’re not a regular user – you’re unlikely to be privy to their updates.

When is it time to de-friend your ex on Facebook?

1) When they’re an assclown. It’s one thing to have gone out with them in the first place but trying to hold on to an assclown and expect a friendship from them is like trying to make a crumb into a loaf in a relationship – not going to happen. Don’t worry about what they’ll think; it’s time to start worrying about what you think and stop being so fricking nice! Note, lots of assclowns have narcissistic harems cooing around them online or they opt not to have a Facebook profile (too much evidence) but do find ways to check up on you via mutual friends.

2) When they’re keeping tabs on you and trying to meddle in your business/keep a foothold in your life. All you’re going to end up doing is feeling like you can’t say and do what you want on Facebook and censoring yourself. Trust me when I say that they’ll find meaning in everything you put there and either throw it in your face or use it is an opening for an ego stroke, shag, or a shoulder to lean on. Do you want to be guilt tripped? Do you want to feel like you’re afraid to use Facebook? You may also end up feeling harassed if they persist and if you guilt trip yourself and hesitate about de-friending them for fear of upsetting them further, it’s just opening yourself up to further pain.

3) When you’re keeping tabs on them on and all up in their business. When you find yourself on Facebook morning, noon, and night, and seizing on grains of information in their updates and deriving meaning from them, or interrogating them about that woman you saw with them in a picture, it is time for you to de-friend them for your own sake. If you’re the type of person that hiding their updates from your feed isn’t enough and you have a compulsive urge to track them on Facebook, your only option is to de-friend. This also includes keeping tabs on their friends and you will need to de-friend them too because the reality is that you don’t want to make a nuisance out of yourself and you don’t want to do anything that at best will be embarrassing and at it’s worst, humiliating.

Trust me, the emails I’ve had from some readers – if you keep this up, it’s like being a hop, skip, and a jump from going too far and crossing into stalking territory.

Remember, aside from the fact that they’re likely to de-friend you if you persist, if you start calling/emailing/texting them about stuff you’ve seen on Facebook you will inadvertently cause them to feel that they can legitimise a negative perception of you and if they treated you poorly previously, they’ll even use this to legitimise that behaviour.

Cold turkey and de-friend! If you don’t, you will end up being trapped in your feelings and you won’t be able to get over them as you’re continuing engaging and feeding an illusion via the internet. You have to let go of them and not try to hold onto them and control their agenda via Facebook or you will throw yourself in the front line of pain.

When should you defriend mutual friends?

1) When they’re not actually your friend

2) When even though you’re not friends with your ex on Facebook, they use information they see on your profile to shit stir

3) When you’re No Contact and want to distance yourself from that ‘old life’.

4) When your ex is using them to get access to you.

Making it clear to friends that you share that you don’t want to be informed about anything and that you’d appreciate it if they didn’t gossip about you to your ex. This is a conversation I suggest you have, Facebook or no Facebook problems.

And of course, you could just not go on Facebook. Seriously, the sky won’t fall down. I know lots of people who have done this after a breakup and it has spared all of them from rubberneckers checking to see if they’re OK, awkward questions, and even worse, awkward updates from their ex. Ask yourself what you would have done prior to the existence of Facebook and as long as the answer to that isn’t ‘stalk them’, do that.

As an aside, if you’ve been monitoring their movements on dating sites, Twitter etc, I’d remove yourself too. Do you want to get over them or do you just want to be a spectator to your pain?

Your thoughts?

Check out my ebook on the the No Contact Rule which stresses the important of cutting contact with your ex, plus my ebook on emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girland more in my bookshop.

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68 Responses to After The Breakup: Do You Need To De-friend Your Ex on Facebook? Dealing With Your Ex’s and Obsessions

  1. LostPlum says:

    really great post! I agree if you really want to move forward from pain you need to stop throwing the pain in your face.

  2. Elle says:

    Hehe! So true! Totally agree!

    With my ex before the AC, I stayed friends on FB – because we broke up as amicably as you could. But it still didn’t stop me from feeling ‘so attacked and holier than thou’ when he dared put up photos and videos of him and his new girlfriend. Then I became super obsessed with his Twitter page. It was mental.

    I ended up telling him I was defriending him for as long as I needed in order to not be rattled by his pictures/vids/updates (the courtesy of telling him was warranted because there was no AC behaviour on either side!). I used a programme to block his Twitter page. It helped so much! And now, a year later, we are genuinely friends and therefore back on FB (ah! FB – bringing people together! ; )).

    As for the AC, I defriended him within 48 hours of him chucking me as I already knew I would be twice as mental with someone who I perceived wronged me as with a goodie! I politely and simply warned a couple of his friends that I was defriending them on the basis that I needed to get on with things. They understood.

    Let’s be sure – there are sociological studies on this stuff – what you see online is a constructed reality, a projection of people’s idealized identities. You’re always going to think he/she is happier or more successful without you! FB/other sites can be enough to give you a little rush of adrenaline when you’re just having a bad morning, but when you’re grieving from a broken heart? Forget it! It’s self-punishment! DEFRIEND!

    (And don’t even check their profile picture. It’s called ‘kindling’ in psychology – where you experience things that reminds you of pain, thereby rekindling the anguish flames in your mind!).

  3. Kat says:

    I recently had a friendship end and the other person didn’t take me off their facebook page. I realised after a couple of months that I was avoiding facebook and feeling anxious about logging on to it because I was worried about seeing what she was up to. Closing that virtual window felt so good and allowed me to accept I wanted to move on.

    • tallgirl10 says:

      Wow, losing friendships is super hard. I am having the same thing right now, and I want to unfriend her, but don’t have the strength. I have removed her from my feed, but I should just get rid of her. It’s not like she cares about my feelings, so why should I care about hers? I am deeply hurt, and I am having a hard time dealing with the whole darn thing. She was friends with the AC I dated briefly twice.

      I know I was intense about the whole thing, but hardly a reason not to discuss it or clear up.

      I suppose I am better off without both of them, but it sure feels awful.

    • Pirouette says:

      The girl I thought was my best friend is “friends” with my ex on FB. It was a real kick in the teeth discovering this since she knew all the hell he put me through and how much he hurt me. We hadn’t really talked in months and I had given up on the friendship a year ago, so I defriended her. Maybe it was spiteful on my part. But I just didn’t see a reason to hold on.

      • Tallgirl10 says:

        The friend I was talking about was also friends with my ex short term guy who pursued me twice to date, and neither time was really interested.

        In fairness, I was very intense with her several times talking about it, but that is hardly friendship ending stuff.

        I suppose they deserve each other. But ouch! I am deeply hurt.

  4. lj says:

    Well all I can say is I have done the NC for 12days, I have de-friened him and I have tried to put his friends on hide… BUT I still check up on him through another e-mail and I have been really guilty of checking up on him. I know, I know it is keeping me thiere it’s just that I am not ready to let that go. I never contact him or write to him or anything though. Just stalk his site once in awhile, but right before I click into his page… I prepare myself for the worst” is he posting something about a new girl or pictures. I almost feel like I want to see it so I can move on or maybe I want to see some sort of a hint that he is feeling sad or misses me. But then again I know that is the lie I keep telling myself. I heard he is seeing like 4 women right now so whatever! I am just a glutton for punishment. May on week three I will be able to de-friend and hide his family and friends for good… but I am just not there yet!

    • findingmyself says:

      lj, take it from me, it will hurt the first few days you remove things that you can “check up on him”..but once you aren’t able to, after a little bit, you will feel relieved. Stop doing this to yourself. I know you think its better to “know” but really you are just keeping yourself in a “stuck phase” with him. The longer you watch him, the longer you are holding on to “what” hon? Let it go…let him go…once you do, it will eventually free you to move on. I know, I have been there. Once you hit that button, to never be able to look back again, in time–you will be better for it. Do it love, you are worth it!

  5. left wondering says:

    As usual, great advice.

    I defriended my AC from FB because he was married. I don’t have friendhships with any married men. He initially found me on FB and contacted me ;but later; after I deleted him he contacted me again wondering why I defriended him..I was very upfront about my reasons…and that’s how it all began (after he convinced me he was divorced and hadn’t gotten around to updating his page…yeah riiiighttt. )

    After our break up (rather his dissapearing act!) , one thing I did that I regret now was that I sought out his wife on FB. Curiousity got the best of me…I went searching and there she was… I just wanted to see who she was….that only turned out to be hurtful and I agree with Elle about kindling. After finding her I then began to have ideas that I would contact her and tell her everything…I never did it, but still wish I had never found out who she was. I unnessarily tortured myself with stupid comparisons that only prolonged my sadness. Since then I have blocked him so that I can’t look him up and he can’t contact me ever again. I recommend blocking to anyone tempted to peek.

    Even on the chance if he kept my email address or phone number – that door is firmly closed – forever. Not curious any longer thankfully!

    • GTash says:

      Ugh I am in that exact same situation only I haven’t done the defriending yet. It’s not so bad now but during the relationship and early days after he did his dissappearing act (immediately after phoning me and telling me he wanted to keep seeing me) I would stalk his wife’s photo albums of happy family snaps.

      In actual fact I found it very helpful in putting things into perspective and accepting that the situation was so very wrong. It really hits home that you are sleeping with another woman’s husband and how morally wrong it is when you see the photos of the wife and kids.

  6. time2wiseup says:

    I really wish I had the strength not to do this. I defriended about 7 weeks after we broke up–it took me that long to realize he was never going to be an actual friend. But his profile is still public and it tears my heart out to keep looking at it.

    I don’t understand it. I’m hurt and angry–I know he’s no good for me. And yet I still click on his page when I know it’ll make me feel even worse. I have no intention of seeing him in person again. As much as I dread it, part of me wishes I’d see him with someone else. Then I could say, ‘Oh, okay, time to move on.’ You know, after crying a lot more. But that won’t happen because he’s a player, and he does have his harem. Even when we were together I’m sure he used FB to keep other girls in the wings. There’s no way he’ll go from being ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’ any time soon.

    Ugh, I miss the days before all of this social networking. It used to be so much easier to get over someone if they truly were out of sight. I was talking about it with a friend, and I realize that it’s kind of a form of self-harm. I’m hurting myself the worst right now. I’m keeping him alive in my head (the idealized version) even though it’s been 3 months since we’ve broken up.

    • lj says:

      I can relate to you. It is as if seeing him with other girls or his comments on his wall make me sad but It’s like I want to feel the pain not so much as a weakness but almost as a strenght to get through it instead of running away totally. I don’t want to be in such unhealthy relastionships anymore. I don’t want the games anymore. It is so self destructive. Seeing his page has lessoned since the first days, so I know I am moving on. And he is a player too, a harem is right. He has such a low self esteem and so sick he needs the gratification of superficial relastionships in order to feel good for a moment. I asked him once if he felt guilty about it and he said no. So there ya go! Thiese guys are so sick. But what ever except that darn FB he is non-of-my-business. I agree soical networking and ending a relationship is a tricky thing for sure. btw I am now on day 13 of NC yeah!

      • time2wiseup says:

        Congrats, LJ! Hang in there. :)

        For all of his ‘friends’ on Facebook…some ppl he has around to use for his career and the others, scantily-clad women…I doubt he regards any as friends–or at least friends in the way that I define the word. I was thinking about that this morning. What makes me the saddest…besides treating me like crap and walking away as if I were nothing…is the fact that he probably doesn’t value anyone. When I clicked ‘delete friend’ I was just one less number on his profile. Superficial relationships, indeed.

        We broke up via text, btw. And I questioned mine as well and let him know that–whether he intended to or not–what happened had hurt me. His response? Something along the lines of ‘I didn’t mean to’ and ‘Sorry, am an idiot.’ Had he cared at all–I’m sure he would have at least picked up the phone to have a convo. But he didn’t. Yeah…I’m sure he’s feeling no guilt. Besides which, he offered me the friend card! And I, in the throws of ‘I’ll take a crumb, please’, said okay…

        So this constant checking of his FB page? Ugh. Needs to stop. He adds absolutely nothing to my life but regret and tears. Honestly, it’s probably going to take a bit more time, tho, to stop. Like I said, no willpower. And I’m waiting for that last kick in the teeth…

  7. findingmyself says:

    It is freeing to remove “their window” of seeing into our lives. I went through every thing you stated in this article. While he remained “my friend”, I was nervous about putting certain things on my page. Also, every time one of my male friends would make a comment, he was always throwing it in my face, like I was the one doing something behind HIS back. When it was HIM who was using FB to do things behind my back. It is must that you remove your ex from your “friends list”, after all they are not friends but ex’s!

  8. Strawberry says:

    I can’t believe this article is here today. I haven’t looked on line for ages and then today, there it is. I split up with someone in January, moved out in May, and found out on Twitter in July that he’d been seeing someone else three weeks after I moved out. After he professed that I would always be his best friend, that he would always be in my life, that he would never hurt me. We split up for the right reasons, after five years, and I don’t want to get back together with him but I’m having such a hard time dealing with the fact that he replaced me so quickly. It’s horrific, and I don’t know how to get over it. I have however just recently stopped looking them both up on FB, Twitter et al. It was causing me the most insane amount of grief and I just thought, what the hell am I doing to myself? I shouldn’t know what they’re doing, what they’re eating, where they’re going, what they’re seeing at the cinema. It’s unnatural and was literally making me sick. And you know what? Ignorance really is bliss. I can’t say I’m quite sorted yet but getting social networking out the way really helpd.

  9. Nikki says:

    I just broke up recently with my first FB-connected BF. I defriended him immediately because we had agreed that staying friends would feel awkward, so there was not point. I also defriended another guy this summer after reconnecting briefly with him and realizing what a jerk he was. Quite liberating that one. I also do not show my status on FB, that way I don’t have to explain to everyone why my status has changed back to “single”. If I want to show that I have someone special in my life, I post a picture of the two of us as my profile pic.

  10. Aimee says:

    To be quite honest – I am really HATING the whole FB thing. I never had a desire until I found out 9 months after dating that the AC was on there. He was friends with a girl that left her robe in his drawer (she lives out of state) – told me he never talked to her. Friends with the girl he eye-f**ked in front of me. Pictures of him and MY cabin – but none with me and he was SINGLE??!!

    Then we went through a 4 month break-up – asked me to be his friend on FB when we got back together – I put it off – but then went ahead – not once did he acknowledge that he was in a realationship – nor with me, never any pictures of us. It all seems childish – but I sure learned where he “sat” regarding his relationship with me. I deleted him before we broke up (boy was he mad) and then he blocked me – best thing that ever happened. Oh he also posted pictures of my dog that we agreed to share within days of getting it – it works great on the girls – they’re the only ones who post “cute” comments. It’s his narcissistic harem on FaceBook!! Yuck!!

    “Facebook is compelling because it’s a very passive way of getting a window into other people’s lives – you can snoop without feeling like a snooper.” – My AC is very passive and lazy – perfect forum for him. He also INSISTED we be friends – I told him no and he would not leave me alone. I had to create big time drama just to get him to leave me alone – even sending me an email saying – “AND YOU DON’T WANT A FRIEND – there is no way I wish to keep contact and a friendship with the likes of you” – wow you think??!!! Like it was his idea???!!! He really wants to believe he’s a good guy – told me all the time how all the girls want him and all his ex’s still want him – ok let then let them have him – see if they get any farther than I could. He’s also finding all the girls from HS on FB (I was one – the HS crush).

    He thought I was immature regarding FB – and maybe I was – but I sure learned how much he cared about me and “our relationship” – actions speak louder than words.

    Sorry to rant about the whole FB thing – but you really can learn a few things from these guys on FB.

    • findingmyself says:

      You sure can hon. I know my ex never put up pics of “us” where they could be seen, such as his profile pic..all the while my profile pic was of the two of us together. Sure, why would they want their harem to know that they were actually in a relationship?…silly us! They might stick a pic or two of us in some folder somewhere, but not out in the open for all to know that they are taken. Give me a break. Any one who is “in love” wants to flaunt it and show it their “friends”, yes? Screw these guys…they are ass clowns to the enth degree!

  11. Movedup says:

    Facebook – its hit the cover of Time magazine and there is now a movie out about it. My FB is as private as it gets – only family and a few friends but the mutual friend and I both agreed not to be FB friends as she still hangs out with the ExEUM/AC – her choice but we did have that necessary conversation and she respects that I want no contact of any kind or any information on him. So no we are not FB friends and he is not on FB anyway. I honestly think FB is an evil place – it does more harm than good. Anyone interested on what FB is all about – read the article in Time magazine – its scary. What actually happens with that information – 500 million people telling their darkest secrets to one system that uses the information they glee to profit from it. What ever happened to good old fashion letters and phone calls. I actually got a birthday card in the US mail from a close girlfriend – it made me smile more than a text, an email or a FB happy birthday. Shows me she cares – went to the store, found a card she thougth I would enjoy – bought the card – wrote me a note – went to the post office and mailed it. There’s real effort for ya! Thats a friend worth keeping!

  12. Aimee says:

    I forgot that I wanted to post this episode from South Park regarding FB – it’s funny as heck!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lbqJBp1eiw0&feature=related

    For awhile I told myself “at least he looked me up and called me”, but that was because I wasn’t on FB. Also – in another post last week – my old abusive AC looked me up and sent a message & friend request on FB – haven’t talked to him in 10 years. Never did respond – NC there for forever as far as I am concerned.

  13. Lauri says:

    Blocking is definitely the way to go, especially if you are tempted to sneak a look. The benefit is that if any mutual friends leave or receive a post from him, I can’t see it. I also blocked some dodgy mutual friends who only wanted to stir it up. Now they can’t report back to him what I have been up to. He now thinks that I closed my FB account because I was so devastated. Little does he know that I’m still alive and better than ever.

    • Movedup says:

      OMG what an AC of course you were soooo devasted you left because of him – goes to show its all ME ME ME – good for you!

  14. Minky says:

    My ex before the EUM and i always remained friends on FB, but we were friends for years before we got together and it ended very amicably. Saying that, even he got a bit snotty when my ex EUM first came on the scene and started commenting on everything i ever did. I think with hindsight it’s better to delete and then add them back on after a break, as Elle said in her post.

    My ex EUM and i wouldn’t have even got together if it weren’t for FB. We met once through a mutual friend, he added me a few days later and then the bugger stalked me for ages, i wasn’t even interested in him at first!

    After going through the mill with him, I dumped him first because he kept ignoring me and blowing cold (boundaries i guess, but it took me longer than i’m confortable with for them to kick in) after which he deleted me and all my friends, but kept emailing me when he was drunk. When he dumped me and asked to stay friends i said no and deleted him straight away – my pride finally kicked in and i though ‘No, sod you! You’ve messed me around enough. You don’t get to have me in your life anymore!’. Also i noticed that his Fallback Girl before me was back as his friend (in his dumping email the fool actually had the gall to tell me he’d been having dreams about her and was ‘confused’ – WTF was i thinking?!). I confess that until last week i was still checking his profile, which is public, to see what he was up to and to see if she was still his friend (she is), but now i’ve got to a place where i see him and the relationship for what it is. I no longer feel like i’m missing out by not being with him, i don’t care what he’s up to, and as for the previous Fallback Girl, who’s been on the merry-go-round four times with him now: best of luck to her – poor muppet.

    I haven’t quite reached indifference because i still care for him and think about him (grr!!), but i am happy and at peace.

    It’s not healthy to keep checking up on them – it does stop you from moving on and you’re really not doing yourself any favours. It’s a marker of moving on and a big step forward when you don’t want to check up on them anymore and no longer give a damn what they’re up to.

  15. MaryC says:

    This is why I don’t have and will never have a facebook page. I personally just don’t get it anyway. Ignorance is bliss.

  16. Bette says:

    FB was a godsend and also the source of my greatest relationship pain. Like many, my EUM was married. FB allowed me to see the reality of his life, incl photos of family and home and friends who knew nothing of me. FB was a slap in the face that showed me the truth…he had no plans to ever create a life that included me. FB revealed the lies of his words through the truth of his actions. And then, after I realized all this and dumped him, I made the further mistake of staying FB friends and went through everything described above. Why put yourself through unending pain? Unfriend the jerk and move on. Thank you, Natalie, for your three months of NC emails, concluding quite perfectly with this FB finale.

  17. Sue says:

    The other day I un-friended and blocked my ex’s daughter because I don’t trust her. She has a blog on another website, and months ago she took some of my FB posts, only partially removing my name, and put them on her blog. I am cautious on FB and would prefer to send email to friends than post too many details on FB.

  18. Pirouette says:

    I can’t really call him an ex, but my fling, I defriended, friended, rinse and repeat. I can’t defriend him again; it will just look crazy. However, I don’t check his page (I stopped doing that a while ago, even when I was still interested in him), and I hid his updates from my feed. Come to think of it, I haven’t been on FB in ages, it seems. The whole thing has gotten very dull to me, and I just don’t care about half the stuff people are posting up there. That’s the thing about FB: the sparkle wears off after a while. He has a harem of women friends and jump-offs, so I know he’s doing fine on that front.

    Since going NC, my perspective has changed significantly, and now I’m starting to see him for who he really is. Yes, FB, and other social media, only shows a representation of that person. Your ex smiling in a picture is just a snapshot in time. That is the image s/he wants to represent, even if it only represents a small percentage of his life. I mean, who’s going to put a picture of themselves looking dejected and depressed on FB for all the world to see?

    Either way, you’re better off not knowing what’s going on with him. Whether he’s doing well or poorly, you should be concerned about you and getting on with your life. I’m still in the process and learning that life does go on, and there are other good things in store for me.

    • Minky says:

      I agree Priouette – even when they do put stuff on there about being dejected (my ex EUM updated his status saying he was crying into his beer, or some such attention seeking rubbish, two weeks after dumping me) who knows whether it’s about you, or whether their new victim isn’t giving them the time of day, or whether their football team is doing badly. It’s all subject to interpretation and speculation. Best not to drive yourself mad with it in the first place and just ignore. It only gives you more reasons to stay invested.

      The big idiot’s deleted all our mutual friends now (some of which he’s known for years – he did that when i dumped him, to ‘spare himself’ having to hear what i was up to) so i don’t even have to deal with second hand information anymore. Yay!

      • Aimee says:

        The “crying in his beer” is probably his One Time In Band ploy to see which girl will “jump to save him”. Boohoohoo!!!

        • Minky says:

          That’s exactly what i thought at the time! And there were loads of replies from girls plus someone even sent him a Youtube link to ‘cheer him up’. I just sat there shaking my head thinking ‘if only you knew’…

      • Pirouette says:

        I’m definitely guilty of interpreting one of my ex’s cryptic posts as referring to me. But then again, if it was about me, wouldn’t he have just contacted me in some way rather than post some vague statement about relationship loss? It feels good to think that maybe he really was remorseful over losing me, but he never really had me.

      • Used says:

        With all due respect: he may have deleted them at the insistence of his new gf, too.

        • Minky says:

          Possibly, but that would be assuming that he was considerate enough of the GF’s feelings to pander to her insecurity and that is optimistic to the point of foolishness :). I hope you’re right though – i hope she’s getting a better ride than i did. I wouldn’t wish that level of disappointment on anyone.

  19. Robin says:

    Too bad there isn’t a like button here as they have on Facebook LOL

    • findingmyself says:

      My ex EUM/AC had a harem of women too, typically the same 5/10, who would comment/reply to every picture, status message or post he made. I could always tell when he was looking for attention from these sources, he would post the most stupid status messages, and of course his flock would have some thing to say in return. Talk about a looser–he will use virtual stroking to boost his ego. How sad. I wanted to contact these woman to say, you have NO idea who this man really is. You only know what he WANTS you to know about him–RUN! But, not my problem. And thank god I no longer have to watch the insanity of the virtual ego stroking any longer–DELETE!

      • Minky says:

        Same here – my EUM has his little harem too, who comment and ‘like’ all his stupid jokes and sexist comments. What was i THINKING??!!

        • Over It says:

          LOL! Me Too! The harem!

          I got to see my ExAC singing with his wekend band on Youtube with a bunch of sad 40-something harem members desperately trying to look like teenagers dancing in the front row of the audience. Eeeeeeeewww!!

          I was so happy one of them was NOT me!

          Over It

  20. Over It says:

    Hello All!
    I read everyone’s posts with such interest, as I found I actually had quite different experiences during my own psycho snooping phase.

    1. Full of regret, guilt and misery and in the mood for self-torture, I looked at my ex-husbands pictures on a photo sharing site. Guess what? It confirmed, sadly but truly, that our divorce was the correct move. I imagined that after our separation, he would suddenly become an amazing, happy, content Superman, but in fact he was just continuing down the same let’s-all-quit-our-jobs-and-build-yurts-and-take-acid road he had started down in the last years of our marriage. Not my thing.

    2. Full of nostalgia for Mr. AC Neverwas, I looked him up on Youtube. He is a professional who plays in a charity rock band, and they post clips of their performances. He looked kind of overweight and a bit past the age for playing rock star, and frankly, his singing wasn’t all that great. It was nice to see the mortal reality of the Brad Pitt-Jagger I had created in my mind.

    I know I took a risk, but I really felt relieved and happy both times.
    It was kind of a Suck It And See thing.
    Anyone else experience this feeling?

    Over It

    • Bette says:

      Over It, I’m with you! Seeing photos of EUM’s family, home, kids, life, friends on FB all confirmed to me that I was far better off without the guy. Sometimes a picture’s worth a thousand words. ;-)

  21. lynette says:

    great post. my problem is that my mother in law is on my facebook. she friended me a while back, and not knowing how to say no, i said okay. my husband and i have now separated after my finding self-porn pix on his cell phone and finding out he had been soliciting sex on craigslist. i am SURE she does not know the whole story, and since i filed for divorce, she has gone silent on me. i have not yet removed her as a friend so that i can keep an eye on what she writes on my kids’ FB pages. but i sure do feel she should get the heck off. any thoughts?

    • Sue says:

      I’m in a similar situation with my mother-in-law, who friended me on FB two months ago. The thing is, my husband, who I left, never told her (or any family member!) about me until we were married! So my first meeting with her was as her daughter-in-law. The woman has ill health and was happy to hear from me when I called her two weeks ago to talk and explain what happened. I didn’t go into detail about why I left except to say there were too many stressors in the relationship, and then she proceeded to name them for me. Hmm. I’m keeping her on FB as well as one of my husband’s uncles (her brother) since they all know what he’s like; I just blocked them from some features. I did, however, delete my husband’s daughter since her online persona is the complete opposite of what she’s like in real-life. This is a living example of the extent to which people can pretend to be (fill in the blank) online.

      • lynette says:

        it sounds like your mother-in-law is a balanced and valuable ally. i feel on my end slapped in the face — she is automatically blaming me for hurting her son without any true context, and we were together for over 18 years. my husband, i am convinced, suffers from true narcissistic personality disorder, and he has been verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically, abusive. his family knows nothing about this, and i don’t feel it is my place to provide them with details. i am pretty sure they also don’t know that he cheated on me with (at least) one woman from craigslist and took pictures on his work cell phone of himself getting blowjobs, leaving it lying around. he puts on a good show for the rest of the world — only our kids and i know what he is really like. on one hand, he wants people to think he is a good guy, which means he is likely to play nice through the divorce process. i still have not removed my MIL as my FB friend. this is such a disorienting stage — i keep wanting to fall back into old patterns and go chasing after him, and for a few weeks i did that despite the fact that i asked him to leave, but he was so vicious and has been so awful that i just let the feeling pass when it comes. i was married once before, and my MIL was a dream, as was my FIL. FB sure does complicate things! my husband does not have a facebook page — i will be curious to see if he gets one…

  22. Charlotte says:

    Hi, I’ve never posted before but have been reading everything around EUMs and been coming back here daily for support and strength since I started NC for the final (I hope) time two and a half weeks ago. I’ve tried it twice before, the last time I managed for 6 months then weakened as my particular assclown (we were”together” as I reckon it, properly for a year, though he last claimed it was two years – I don’t even know, though the whole thing of craziness and weird contact with him has been more like three, including the 6 months we were apart then the last 6months of most recent hell which has finally come to NC) was involved in a work-related tribunal, in which he claimed to be the victim. (I kept out of it in the run-up as my alarm bells were telling me just how much he was responsible for what had happened to him, but misplaced loyalty made me not look at that too closely). His case made the local headlines for a week or so and I slipped back completely and contacted him, thinking i’d be ok with it. I wasn’t. We then became “friends” who slept in the same bed – always at mine – I think I’ve been to his house once over the last 6 months, for about half an hour…outrageous!
    I don’t want to go on too long here, just now, but I’ve finally decided to start talking about it to people who have been there – friends and family are helping me greatly though they all have had generally healthy relationship patterns and are sorry for me but really don’t get the whys and hows of me letting myself get into this position.
    Sorry if this is confused and rambling, I’m just pouring it out as it comes. If you’ve read this far I am really grateful for your patience. The point I need to be coming to is about obsession and anger. My temptation to break NC is because I am SO, SO angry with him at the moment – I am trying to think of other things but it all eventually comes back to me wanting to ask him who the bloody hell he thinks he is and how dare he treat anyone the way he does. I have defriended him on Facebook but I don’t think he uses it much so won’t see that I have gone. I am fed up with wasting my time on him which is why I finally told him to just leave me alone then cut contact, but my head keeps taking me back and reliving it all again – so counter-productive.
    Please, any advice about angry obsession and when and how it passes would be really appreciated. I’m prepared to put in the work but not sure how or where to start. Lots of love to you all.

    • lynette says:

      oh my, i am SO where you are now! i am trying to be business-like and civil for the sake of our kids, but there is this ANGER that wants to be let out, and the only direction that would make me feel better is at him. the problem is that he has anger issues, and has been abusive, and any time i express my anger, he turns it on me and it just fuels my anger….

      i have no advice for you, other than to say what i am doing is blogging about it, venting to my friends about it, taking satisfaction in knowing that all my gut instincts during our marriage were so RIGHT, that some other woman is welcome to him and that he will start off any relationship with lies, lies, lies. and i went out and bought a TON of paint, and am painting my ass off.

      i think it dies down eventually. others have told me to focus elsewhere and one day i will become aware that it does not matter because i have found value in other things. his bad karma will come back to bite him. i hope.

      • Sue says:

        Lynette, I read your blog and related to it so much! I was afraid of my husband when I lived with him, which is why a heads-up that I planned to leave might have been counterproductive. I’ll never know.

        I have seen his good qualities, caring qualities, loving qualities, and that’s the person I fell for; I just didn’t see his dark side until later. He’s still on my FB page; maybe we’re better as friends. I’m disappointed and sad because I planned a life with this man. I’m also sad that even though we talked for hours on the phone, once married we seemed to stop talking.

        • lynette says:

          sue, i’m so sorry you can relate to my blog — not a one of us should have to live in a home where we are afraid. kudos to you for having the courage to leave (i am patting myself on the back too).

          we had good things too, i am so sorry my husband could not see the value of working out the bad so that we could keep the good. in my case, i do not think we can ever be friends. i thought he was my best friend, and in reality he treated me as if i meant nothing.

          my son said to me tonight that he is pretty used to the change already because daddy was pretty much never home anyway, and that when he does see him it is a good time (about once a week). i am glad he is doing well, sad that my son has a father who has been selfish and absent.

          i hope in time my life fills out. right now, it is hard and lonely. but there is no anger filling the walls of my home and that is such a good thing.

    • Elle says:

      @Charlotte. Obsession is a natural part of it – trying to work out what happened, what boundaries were busted, the extent of the injury you suffered, and who this person was who transgressed (and what your role was).

      It’s important, to some extent, to reflect and even ruminate – some people go into forgiveness mode too quickly and end up being dishonest to the person who wronged them and, more importantly, to themselves about what the injury was and the full extent of its impact.

      That said, at some point, thinking about a loss is prolonging the injury, and it’s that border between thinking about the loss in order to fully understand it, and thinking about the loss in order to relive it, that’s hard to identify and patrol. The latter leads to more chronic depression.

      What I do when I am about to obsess or in the process of obsessing is stop myself and ask myself whether this train of thought (and it is a train that you can choose to hop on or not) will be of use to me – i.e. will help me offload some new repressed feelings or find new insights and lessons at a time that is healthy (i.e. not in the middle of work to distract me or just before bed which makes me feel anxious) OR whether I am actually worried about something else, tired, hungry, bored or lonely and just want to replay the injury – and thereby prolong my suffering – in order to indulge what are actually other feelings or impulses.

      It’s one of the hardest things, seeking justice and peace within yourself, without the acknowledgment of the other person. But, as I read somewhere, people (in this case, the AC/EU person) either keep hurting themselves by ignoring lessons (and blaming others/the world) or else get their insights they need to change and grow, but, just as with us, these insights don’t always happen when we – as the wronged party – want them to. And that’s life. I have had many realisations of my own shortcomings or regrets that took some time in coming. Sometimes the person was around for me to address things, sometimes not.

      Cutting contact feels counterproductive – it feels like they’re getting a sweet deal out of being an ass. But, there are so many good reasons for it. I am over four months NC now, and I can say that it’s only now that I am proud of myself for not breaking it, not out of a sense of principle, but a sense that it has really helped me start to see my reality. The other thing I have had to come to terms with is that, on some level, as much as this guy was a jerk – and a slightly deranged one at that – part of my resistance to him ending things – or my shock and indignation – came from pride. A lot of it came from losing love and losing hope, but it also came from a sense of not believing that someone could not want me, and could think it OK to treat me as less important as I think I am or think I deserve. Basically, I had to see a certain childish ‘I didn’t get what I want’ aspect to my reactions. Not easy to admit, but honest.

      In the meantime, though, there are real things to be hurt about. just because our egos get involved, doesn’t mean that some desperately irresponsible and sometimes downright unkind or twisted behaviour has not gone down. You’re entitled to be angry for a while. Write him letters that you DON’T send, do as much present-minded activity as you can (exercise, crafts etc), force yourself to be social, treat yourself extra well. See this as an exercise in self-love. It sounds far-fetched, but it’s actually quite a lovely thing, having to start from scratch and really get to know and like yourself. When you’re thinking about him, trying to pull your thoughts back to him. But if you’re angry, just let yourself be angry and try not to react to your negative feelings. Just feel them. Cry if you want to. But they will pass. In other words, feel the feelings, but remind yourself that they’re temporary and shouldn’t be judged too much.

      • Elle says:

        “When you’re thinking about him, trying to pull your thoughts back to him.”

        meant “back to yourself, [your present surroundings, the day ahead]”

        It’s Sunday and last night was a big night!

      • tina says:

        Elle – Thank you for being so honest. I have come to realize that there is more than a little “I didn’t get what I wanted so I am pouting and punishing you by withholding” going on with me right now. Yes, he was irresponsible, and didn’t care about me or my feelings. But rather than accept that, I have been trying to punish him and make him see the error of his ways and force him into accountability, all because he didn’t want the relationship I thought I wanted so very badly. He is an assclown and a commitment phobe and a momma’s boy and probably a narcassist as well and why did I think I wanted that? Because it reminded me of my father. It’s what love feels like to me – withheld, given begrudgingly, something I am undeserving of. Both of us are damaged, troubled people and I am likely as much of an EUP as he is. But there is something liberating in knowing that I am trying to grow and change. I still wrestle with the decision to leave him behind as I grow towards health and self-acceptance. I hate the idea of thinking anyone is worthless. I just have to keep my eye on what is best for me, truly and honestly let go of any expectations I have of him, see my unhealthy love patterns for what they are and not keep repeating them. The healthier I get, the less interest he holds for me. We work together and at this point all I want is a civil, non-hostile working environment. When I am certain I can go for that without hurting myself in the process (and that includes boundaries, I know), hopefully then I can let go of the hurt little girl that still wants validation and for him to say he’s sorry.

        • Aimee says:

          @Tina – Quite honestly I don’t believe my AC is worthless – he is in a relationship with me and probably with most women except his mom and sisters. But what I do know is he treated me bad, managed down my expectations, lied, cheated, was stingy, future faked, does drugs, drinks too much, was disrepectful, was not there for me, emotionally abusive – all values that are not mine! Period – end of story.

          I also know he does have good qualities – giving & generous with his friends and family, the poor – just not with me. I did not fall for a person that was only “bad”.

          I think we all have “baggage”. My mom was a psychologist – she told me years ago that the dysfunctional family is the “normal” family, there’s just different degrees of dysfunction. We all have baggage – some of us work on it, some of us don’t. My biggest disappointment is that I have literally done tons of work on my self – I had a psychologist for a mother which in the end taught me “to think and talk too much”. I’ve done therapy since I was 6 – I am 45, 12 step programs, deep intensive groups, family of orgin work (looking at mom & dad). Stayed single and worked on myself in between relationships, etc. etc. I knew I was dating “my dad” in my first relationship when I was 15-20. Yet I still did a relationship with an AC at 42. I truly believe if my mom had not died in the first 3 months of this last relationship, if he had not been this guy I had a huge crush on when I was 14 and looked me up after 28 years, plus I had been single for 8 years I really believe I would have dumped him long ago. One thing I know I did “fight” for myself, attempted to push my boundries, but it was a useless “fight”. It’s hard enough trying to change my self, let alone try and change someone else – not interested doing that at my age. Does not make them worthless – just makes them not willing to change and grow.

          • Fearless says:

            Part of the problem here is that these guys are not all bad. Mine has some really lovely qualities; I just cannot allow those to blind me to the rest and keep me in a yo-yo relationship.

            I agree aimee – I wouldn’t fall for a guy that was ALL bad either. No-one is all bad, just bad for you (bad for any woman really), and that’s reason enough to give up and let them go. If they don’t want to be in a relationship, they shouldn’t expect to hold on to someone who does.

    • Aimee says:

      @Charlotte

      Don’t break contact just to get angry – I did that and if felt good in the moment. But then – I felt terrible about all the horrible things I said, I also became verbally abusive and I hate the shame I feel around it. I buy plates at the thrift stores and throw them againest a concrete wall – that helps tremendously!

      I hae known this for a few weeks now – but reading your post realize that I too was the “friend” sharing a bed with my AC. Only he didn’t let me know we were just friends until he wants to take no responsibility at the end to say – “we weren’t even dating!”. These guys are unbelievable.

      Cut contact, feel the pain (the pain now will be much better than if you keep going back – it just gets worse the longer you stay). And move on w/o him.

      32 days NC today!

      • Fearless says:

        You are doing so good Aimee!! So glad for you.
        F x

        • Aimee says:

          @ Fearless – Thanks – I love reading your posts – they help alot. I hate Sundays – seems real lonely today – weather is overcast. But I just have to remember I was lonely with him as well.!!

        • Fearless says:

          My EUM doesn’t use social networking sites – thank God!! – so I don’t have that problem at least, however it has been interesting reading your comments and the blog. I have a facebook site, but I have no personal info on it, hardly ever look at it and keep only a few ‘friends’. I can see the dangers and problems that ensure from facebook… I’m not sure social networking sites are very ‘healthy’ places for all kinds of reasons…

          @ Lynette, if the mother in law has gone silent on you, I would de-friend her and get your kids to do the same. There’s no need for her to be ‘friending’ her grandchildren on these sites; it’s a piece of nonsense. Kids don’t want their grannies on their facebooks! Let her contact them in the conventional way and tell her this is what she has to do. Don’t take any prisoners now. Forget trying to be “polite” to everyone, it’s just storing up trouble for yourself that you’ll need to deal with later.. You need to do exactly what you think is best for you and your children – and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for that, so do what suits you, and if they/she don’t like it, tough.

          @Charlotte; dealing with the anger has always been my problem too… it’s a hard one. From my experience you had better think of a way to channel it; when I contact my EUM out of anger it NEVER EVER has a good result, it just fuels even more anger and fury as it’s like trying to have a dialogue with a brick wall – you just end up bashing your head off it. Try keeping busy with something you enjoy; or do something you’ve been meaning to do for ages; something that will make a pleasant difference to you or your surroundings (re-arrange the furniture – hang those curtains – buy some new bed linen – plant some flowers). Retail therapy works for me! Last weekend I bought a new dress for work. Today I could feel my anger building up, so I bought myself some flowers and arranged them in vase on the mantelpiece – and put some on the window sill in the bathroom – they look lovely and they cheer me up!! It’s hard to feel angry when you are busy cutting and arranging fresh blooms!…so I traded in my angry and tearfulness for a little bit of sunshine – for me. Cos I’m worth it! If it helps, do it.

  23. Charlotte says:

    Thanks so much all of you, I have been less angry today after reading your posts because they make fine sense to me and I heard things in them that fit with me, not just about the horrors of the ACs but also about how you feel when you’re dealing with the fallout.
    Lynette – I love that you bought a ton of paint, so did I last week! I am also going to “paint my ass off”;
    Elle -You’ve hit the nail on the head, the anger is partly because it’s like he’s “getting a sweet deal out of being an ass ” and yes, it’s painful and shameful to admit it but there is a major amount of `I didn’t get what I want’ feelings around this;
    Aimee – thanks to you for sharing, 32 days is fantastic and a real achievement considering how hard it is to go cold turkey – a lot of my friends think I should be ok now after 2 weeks. Because they’ve been telling me to give him the push for ages and because I’ve finally done it, they think everything is fine now. It’s gonna take a while but I’ll keep coming back here every time I think of contacting him. I’ve got a printout of the `No Contact Rule’ explanation that I keep with me at all times to pull out whenever I need it. Thanks to all. C x

  24. Trinity says:

    My experience was odd and of course inconsistant He actually made a big stink about not being on facebook because of some x partner who was cheating or whatever. So i went off it, in fact i stopped doing a lot of things to accomadate my X. Didnt use MSN, only used Google chat with only him added. I thought to myself once he see’s that he can trust me and im not like his X he will lighten up and we can be free with each other.
    That never happend and was never going to, what did happen was a bunch of deceit and all from him .
    1st he added other friends to his google account which is fine but he didnt tell me which meant i was playing by HIS rules yet he wasnt.
    Then he went on MSN and blocked me so i would no and of course didnt tell me. Then the day he dumped me he went back on facebook, yet he had told me he had deleted it, in fact he had not just disabled it when i had actually deleted mine.
    On top of all that, he then announced on his wall which is for everyone to see on facebook that he had just dumped his girl friend.
    Of course when i questioned him on all these things, it was apparently now my problem, i was being controlling and whats the big deal what i use?
    The big deal was that he controlled, manipulated and then lied to keep me locked in a little box and play by HIS rules because he was obvioulsy so lacking in confidence he didnt want me interacting with anyone else. He then lied so that he could do all those things with out me knowing about it.
    When i found all this out, it told me exactly the type of person he is and thats quite simply, a liar. Now im not even sure i believe it was his x who cheated on him and not the other way around.
    Im not fickle like my X so ive never gone back on FB. I dont need it and id prefer to keep going with life as is. For me the last thing id ever want to do is check up on him, i honestly dont get that one? Why would i do that when ill only hurt myself? So im lucky in that respect, i have no interest, i dont care a hoot about what happens to him. BUT if i was on FB my x would be snooping, not a question in my mind.

  25. Mira says:

    So I defriended him and have been NC for about 6 weeks. The last straws were him not showing up at my b-day celebration or even calling, texting, or anything until over a week later, and yes, he said he’d be there. And previously he didn’t show up to an event of mine that he also said he’d be at. Actions speak louder than words, right?

    So I de-friended him, but we have many mutual acquaintances and his profile is public. But even that, given my usual obsessive nature, de-friending him has given me comfort that I can be me and keep my true friends, because afterall he really isn’t my friend even though I did fall for that card. I also felt held hostage in my own home, I’m a regular FB user to keep in contact with family and friends far away.

    He replied to an old message I had sent him, and that’s the end of it. I never replied to it. I sometimes do check his profile out of curiosity, but his FB page was also always very vague and impersonal, which makes sense since I’m sure he keeps a secret harem.
    I’m getting to the point of being completely over him but what makes it hard is that he also wasn’t all bad at all. He is Very handsome and is kind-hearted (to an extent) and smart and athletic. Though VERY Unavailable, and even told me he needs to work on himself so that is the reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Though we would have the best make-out sessions and few sexual encounters. It was all rosy in my pink-tinted glasses until I started to hint that I didn’t want to be a booty call.
    I got so much hot and cold that I had high anxiety all the time, being in a non-relationship, everything was ambigous.
    So I couldn’t break up with him because we were never officially together, my friends told me to talk to him and tell him, but instead I met up with him twice and was NOT sexual at all, no kissing, touching,hugging, nothing. And that was a huge difference, since all previous encounters were so passionate. The last 2 encounters were just that and he got the hint.
    It hurts hurts hurts, but I see that passion is not love, it’s fun while it lasts and then it’s cold cold cold. I have to admit I am still a bitty bit hopeful we could sometimes bump into each other or somehow get back together but those chances are very very slim. We have many mutual acquaintances and interests so I just might bump into him, but I pray to God that I don’t because I KNOW I’ll get sucked back in in no time. He’s no good for me, and I’m working on myself, I feel like I’m in an incubator, in therapy, caring for myself and loving myself, something I had neglected. :-(
    It’s hard because our conversations were always very good, we pushed each other to be better people, we were good friends, and I feel our bond helped me in many ways. I sometimes think of telling him something that happened to me or that I have achieved since our last conversation, but then realize that was 2 months ago and probably will never follow up. Who knows, I might just bump into him but I want it to be uneventful, no chills, no anxiety. I know i”m not fully over him because he is still in my mind everyday. But my perception changes. First it was true sadness, sobbing, then a bit of anger, not much. Now sadness for the dead hope and dreams, and Grief Grief Grief. He also acted sometimes like I was his true girlfriend, and that gave me hope, but of course nothing else happened. Once as we lay in my couch, he asked me if his body gave me comfort, I nodded yes, he said my prescence was comforting to him. It’s these small moments that made me fall for him, when he was being genuine, and it’s hard to find that in a man that has many other good qualities. I also think he represented my father, smart, athletic but also a big womanizer. I think I sought those qualities unconsciously. I used to think I’d rather lose in love than not love at all, wow, that’s hard to swallow now.
    I’m moving on but this experience hit me hard like a ton of bricks. But then again all the tell-tale signs were there, I just chose to ignore them. The first time we met up we started making out like crazy, then the 2nd date the same, he wanted to have sex but I didn’t give in. Then we would go to the movies, theatre shows, dinner, everytime we would hold hands and devour each other, the passion was intense, it was torching. I basically initiated the 2 times we slept together, though he always tried more but circumstances didn’t allow it. Then of course, it was cold until I usually contacted him.
    It never had happened to me but now I feel wiser, a true challenge. And this I find to be common in the dating world, something I wasn’t used to since I was in a long-term relationship previously. Wow, I am shocked that many other women go through this. I don’t feel alone, but I do feel disappointed that this is commonplace.
    I’m taking a break from dating right now.

    • Pirouette says:

      Your situation sounds like mine. We were never really a couple. We had sex, I initiated it, and it was actually pretty awful, but I was so stuck on him, I wanted to try again. We’re still friends on FB. However, I hid him from my newsfeed, and honestly, I don’t check my FB but once a week now, if that. It hurts so much sometimes when I think about how I screwed up in every way possible with him. I’ve been NC for two months now. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it hurts like hell. I imagine he’s out and about, flirting with girls and living the bachelor life. I wonder if he has a job now. I wonder if he’s still living at home. I wonder how he’s doing. I’m dreading the day I bump into him again. I’m scared he’ll be cold and dismissive, and I just can’t handle that. I doubt he’ll have a true girlfriend, because he’s pretty aversive to committment. I just wonder who his flavor of the month will be when I see him next. I have a lot of worries. I think about sending him a message, but then I stop myself, and in about 30 minutes, the urge passes. Then I feel better about myself, proud that I didn’t cave in. It’s awful. I wish I had never gotten tangled up with him in the first place.

    • grace says:

      Mira

      All a person’s supposed good qualities are worth nothing if they don’t show up when they’re supposed to. Think about work, you’re good at your job, you have experience, you get on with your colleagues. But every now and then you fail to turn up when you said you would. You would get the sack. It’s the ultimate disrespect and I can tell you that pretty much ALL EUMs and ACs pull this maneouver. Regularly.

      To all of us saying how great he is, how good looking, how friendly, charming, supportive, kind, spiritual, funny etc etc etc he is, WHERE IS HE? .

  26. Eathan says:

    I don’t comment over here often, but I was having the same conversation with a few people last week. Facebook & social media make it extremely hard for people to disconnect during breakups. I’ve always said, I want my friends in the break up. Which usually means that a date won’t meet my friends… I don’t need mutual friends sticking their nose in there.

    • grace says:

      It seems a bit extreme not to let your date meet any of your friends and severely limits your relationships – why not just lay off facebook for a month after the breakup? By then everyone except the nutters will have moved onto something more interesting. But then I am pretty good at insulating myself from drama and I put nothing sensitive on facebook.

  27. Leigh says:

    I don’t have the problem of FB as I never added him to my list of friends. The AC I had a so called relationship with was a pig of epic proportions. I’m angry! I’m angry at myself! Before I met him I was trying to get over my marriage and my light was shining bright. I made major accomplishments – for me. I cycled miles. I took awesome photographs. I had a couple of websites. By the end of it he had managed down my expectations (or his so called assumption of my expectations) to a point that I felt like an insignificant piece of nothing.

    I went awol for three years. Deleted my photography on the web – all my websites. I ask myself WHY I did that? The very things I loved i turned my back on and sat still for almost three years.

    Then I texted him when I was close to where he lived. Major error! He arranged to have lunch with me and made a pass. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want the emotional turmoil. My reactions around him made me realise that this AC would always try to steal my light. He has none of his own.

    His offer of “I can’t give you what you want but write to me and be friends” and my acceptance of it was a major and I mean MAJOR red flag for myself. WHY was I willing to accept it? All I can say is that I was in a fog. But i saw the light and called and left him a message knowing full well that I wouldn’t get a response. I told him that I can’t do this that I care about me more. (apart from other stuff, too).

    But I do subscribe to photography social site and post photos and I know he does too. I don’t need to look at his anymore. I don’t need any programs to stop me from doing it. But I sure as hell won’t delete my photography, my passion and hobby for some AC! I fully intend to rebuild my website, too. If he sees it? So what? That’s his problem.

    This is my life and I live it for me! My anger is driving me at the moment. I am so monumentally peeved at myself for letting this happen. I don’t regret the good year that I knew this man. But I regret the rest of the four. I doubt that he will contact me again or say sorry because he is a coward. That’s what these men are fundamentally. Cowards and thieves with no true light of their own to shine.

    • Allison says:

      “That’s what these men are fundamentally. Cowards and thieves with no true light of their own to shine.”

      You’re so right!

    • Aimee says:

      @Leigh

      I hate it when we end up “giving ourselves” away to and for these men (women).

      My AC and I had been in art class together in HS – we were both good artists. When we reconnected 28 yrs later I had just sold a high-end custom picture framing store that I started from scratch – it was so beautiful and I am an amazing framer/artist, I wanted him to see it. Not once in 2 1/2 yrs did he ever go see what I had built in 5 yrs. It was 6 minutes from his house and I asked numerous times. I thought he would be proud of me – I guess it was just competition for him. My fantasy was that we would have a studio in our home and do art together – he let me believe it. Turns out he would rather drink, drug, and chase other women.

      A good, old, male friend of mine told me long ago “his goal was to be as happy and secure about himself in a relationship with a woman as he was when alone, and he if he could do that, he’d know he made it”. Let’s do it!! Let’s love ourselves enough to know that when we are happy and proud of ourselves that we are not stealing ANYONE’s light!! Shoot those pictures away girl, put your soul, your pain, your healing, your happiness into those photos!!

      • Leigh says:

        @ Aimee.

        Sounds like the AC you were with was totally insecure! It’s a shame they feel so threatened by our talents. Those that truly love you take joy in your talents and show pride in your accomplishments. These AC’s are incapable of that. They are solely interested in themselves and if they have no talent of their own they will be looking towards a way of stealing yours by imitation. That at first can be flattering – but in the end it gets OLD!

        My ex AC now has various websites including photography, cycling and a blog. Everything that I used to do he does it, now. I actually find him to be a smug, pretentious shadow of a man with a dark controlling soul which is covered up by a layer of sugar to get what he wants – other people’s light and energy.

        I really don’t LIKE him!

        I’m still peeved at myself but I fully intend to put all my emotions into my art. It’s where I express myself best in my heart and soul. I will never, ever give up what I love again.

        You’re totally right, lets looks after ourselves and heal the pain by putting all our energy into what’s best for US! :)

        • Aimee says:

          @ Leigh

          I was reminded by your post what my old abusive AC said to me long ago (20 yrs). We had been broken up for a year, he moved to TX with the last girl he cheated on me with. Calls me up, we talk and then he says “I don’t know what it is about you, you just give me the strength to pull myself up from the mud and shake the dirt off” and I told him “Yeah and I am tired of you stealing my strength – don’t ever call me again!!!”

          Needless to say he has dragged this same girl thru his mud for 21 yrs – yes she is still with him – of course on and off, thru his abuse and cheating AND he sent me a message and asked me to be his friend on FB just last month – HAhahaha. I never answered two of the messages and blocked him.

          GIRLS – 99.9% of these guys DO NOT CHANGE!!!!! Big reminder to myself about this last one – doing the work, doing the work!!

  28. Nicole says:

    Close to 10 weeks of No Contact, not seeing him for a little over 3 months he messages me on FB while I’m wondering if to delete him. I finally respond and we were talking for about the past 2 weeks. I’ve now deleted him from my FB list because he’s disappeared again. Could be for various reasons, but I called him once and he hasn’t returned my call for the past 2 days after he was most attentive for the 2 weeks. He probably realized that I’m not going to sleep with him or let him manipulate me or control me as he once did.
    I only started chatting with him on the phone because I was hoping things were different, but I looked through his friends list and discovered he has a lot of his potential gf family. He tells everyone he’s single. I don’t know what to believe but I believe he does have a gf and was just trying to use me. I was being cautious and not seeing him, but he failed and I’m glad that I never met him. It is affecting me how he’s dogging me again, but I can’t take his deception anymore, the lies, the fakeness. I will block him, because I know I’ll check on his profile and that will not be healthy. I hope I never see him ever, might be hard, since I may start working where he does. But I know we will never be friends, I can’t ever call him a friend, he’s fake ,untrustworthy and a user.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!
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