Being The Other Woman Revisited - It’s straight talking time.
September 5, 2006 by NML
Back in June, I wrote about Coping With Being the Other Woman which gave tips for any woman who had found herself relegated to second place due to being with someone else’s man. Ultimately my advice was and is not to cope, but I was surprised at the stories and emails that have come through from women who have found themselves in this situation.
First of all, there is a reason why all of these people have been searching for content about the subject: on some level, they know that their ‘relationship’ is completely jacked up. Very few claimed to be happy with the situation, most were being driven demented. A few months on, I feel it necessary to readdress this issue with a dose of straight talking.
The relationship is built on dishonesty. You would be surprised how the excuses for having an affair all boil down to only a few basic excuses that are trotted out the world over. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a mud hut in the middle of Africa, or in what you think is your plush life in the city. Lot’s of people claim that their partner doesn’t understand them. Lot’s claim that they are no longer sleeping with them. Lot’s claim they stay with their partner for the kids. Some claim that their jobs frown upon divorce. Others say that she (or he) wouldn’t be able to cope. Many claim that they are just waiting for the right time, the right moment, the right second/minute/hour/day/year to break the news.
For the bulk of people who are ‘The Other Woman’, the odds are stacked against them and it very rarely works out. Let’s break it down. The foundations of the relationship are dishonest. Most of the time he never leaves. If he does leave, it often doesn’t work out, either because he can’t keep his dick in his pants and keeps cheating (except for this time, it’s on the woman that used to be The Other Woman) or because the used to be Other Woman never does quite trust him so it erodes into the relationship.
People who cheat don’t see themselves as cheats per se. I’m not claiming that they don’t realise that they are sticking it to someone else, but for most cheaters, it gets rationalised so that they don’t get to feel too bad about themselves. Trust me, if they faced the reality of what they were doing to the person that they’re cheating on, and what they’re doing to The Other Woman, they’d bail out far quicker. It’s the ability to delude themselves and romantisize the situation that keep things ticking over for so long.
Waiting is a mugs game. Unless you have ‘mug’ or ‘fool’ written on your forehead, don’t wait. Waiting is the saviour of the cheat. As long as they are safe in the knowledge that someone is waiting on ice for them, why change the status quo?
Even when The Other Woman moves on, a lot of the time, they haven’t really moved on. In fact, they’re just play-acting at life, hoping that their facade makes him bolt and come to her or that one day, he will actually leave and then they can be together, against the odds and bla, bla, bla. Moving on means cutting the ties, gaining closure and recognising that as long as he has someone else, he’s not worthy of all of the energy expended by The Other Woman.
When people say that he won’t leave his wife/girlfriend they are normally right. Obviously you have to be skilful enough to weed out the plain ‘ole haters, but if everyone from the cat to his great, great Aunty Betty says that he won’t leave, I’d listen to the evidence. I know there is no legislating for love but when everyone knows that you’re the other woman and they see the real him, you’d be surprised at the truth of their words. “He won’t leave him” should translate to “Abort mission. Take a parachute and jump!”
The sex is great when you’re The Other Woman because it’s dysfunctional sex. Of course when there is illicit sex with a man who belongs to someone else, plus all of the emotion (all of it negative even though most don’t see it that way), of course you going to be clinging to him and orgasming like the sun’s not going to come up. (If the sex isn’t even good, I’d consider saying adios and exchanging him for a penpal….) The more orgasms that you have, the more of an emotional and physical connection you feel is the more that you think that he’s leaving his wife. How many times can I say it!? An orgasm…is just an orgasm. How many of us have had orgasms and great sex with men that were about as good for us as an outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease?
This is about The Other Woman, not him. In this situation, it’s all too easy to focus on his problems, his ’situation’. The reality is that it’s not about him, it’s about YOU. We have no control over the actions of other people, but we do have control over our own. We shouldn’t be so willing to sell ourselves short and we should be asking ourselves a whole lot of questions if we ever find ourselves either in a relationship where we play the third wheel or where we’re contemplating it. The moment we stop investing all of our brain power in them is the quicker that we start getting real.
Don’t forget to read Coping With Being the Other Woman
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim and The Mr Unavailable Guide. She also has a personal blog.
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I would like to thank you for this post as well as for the previous post entitled “Coping With Being the Other Woman”. Thank you also to all who commented on the previous post. I had been contemplating becoming an “Other Woman”, but these posts have given me new perspective.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin before, but that was many many years ago and I didn’t know how I wanted to approach this new situation.
In 1995 I became pregnant and wound up marrying the father…we had only dated for a few months and ultimately got divorced 2 - 1/2 years later. Ours was never a happy marriage…we were simply young and stupid and wanted to do the right thing. After about a year, I realized I was unhappy in my marriage and had made the wrong choice in getting married so young (I was 20 when we married). But I was afraid of disappointing my family who, despite liking my husband immensely, had told us numerous times that we didn’t need to rush into marriage and that we should wait to get married. And I thought that I should stay because of our son. So instead of making up my mind to leave, I spent time cheating on my husband with one night stands here and there and wound up having a lengthy affair with a co-worker which started off just as sex like all the others and ended up becoming something deep and emotional for both of us. But I was still scared to leave my husband and my other man dumped me because he simply didn’t like being the other man anymore. Soon after, I realized that I could not keep doing what I was doing and that I had a decision to make:
1) Stay in my marriage to keep up appearances, try to change my decietful personality, and hope that someday I wouldn’t be so miserable anymore;
2) Get a divorce.
I chose to get a divorce…though I am not proud of the fact that I am now a statistic and have to opt for the “divorced” box on various forms that one has to fill out in his/her walk through life, I am glad I got the divorce. My ex remarried a few years later to a wonderful woman who fits my ex’s personality much better than I ever could have, is an excellent 2nd mommy to my son and whom I now consider a friend. The relationship I have with him now is much more friendly and much less stressful, but I still regret the choices I made to cheat on him while we were married. He was and is a good man (though not the man for me) and the guilt is something that haunts me on a regular basis. I doubt that it will ever totally go away.
On the flip side, I have also been the other woman.
After becoming divorced, I was reintroduced to a man I had met while I was married. I never cheated with him while I was married, but always had a huge crush. Now that I was divorced I thought it would be fun to persue my crush. Unfortunately it had been many months since we had 1st met and he was now married. He and his wife were not originally from my town. His job brought him here and he proposed to her before he moved. After over a year of living apart he went home to be married and brought his new wife back to his new town. When we met, he was single, I was married…now I was single, but he was married. It seems the fates had deemed that we weren’t meant to be and we chose to become good friends. We went out with mutual friends once a week and would occasionally run into each other around town. We always had a fabulous chemistry and tons of things in common, so much so that other people in our entourage would actually encourage us to get together…even those who knew his wife. One night as he drove me back to my car, we both gave into the pressure and temptation when he asked to kiss me. Going forward, we spoke together often of our connection and the consequences it would have to every one involved. At some point we said we loved each other and we spoke of the love he had for his wife. We both knew going into this that he had no plans to leave her and that I would never ask him to. Neither of us ever intended to hurt either her or each other and agreed that the only way to keep our secret safe was to never let our friends know that we had indeed given in. After about a year, duty called once again and work allowed he and his wife to move back to their home town. Save for one other person, nobody ever found out about our affair and to my knowledge, he and his wife are still happily married with multiple children. I have seen him just a couple of times in the years since he moved back home…we go out for a drink any time he comes to my town to visit…but we made an agreement before he moved away that our affair would end with that and have that promise to one another. That was in 1998. I have nothing but fond memories from our times together and do not regret any second of the time we spent together. I do not know, however, if guilt affects him the way it did in my marriage.
Eight years later, a new man has entered my life. I have not dated anyone seriously in couple of years and in fact have not even persued doing so. My sex life is virtually non-existant. I enjoy being single and being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want and have quite a full schedule between my job and an organization for which I volunteer. I have a very active social life and have even started attending chuch again…something I have not done since before I was married. My life is in a very different place than it was back then. I am happy. But unfortunately, behind every smart, successful, happily single woman is a need for some sort of physical companionship.
In recent months I’ve met a couple of single men with whom I can admit to having a crush on and even wouldn’t mind getting to know better and seeing what happens. But then HE walked through the door. Though we are not co-workers, I met him through my work. Instantly upon meeting him and speaking with him for just a few minutes, I knew he was different…my heart nearly stopped and I couldn’t wait for the next time he would walk through the door. I checked for the wedding ring and wrongfully assumed he was not married. When he walked in the 2nd time, I found out that he is married, but that he recently moved here (this is where he is originally from and he intends to stay) and his wife lives several states away. Because of the order of busines he has with my company, our paths have crossed several times over the past month and will continue to cross in the months ahead. Each time we meet, we learn more and more about each other…there is an undeniable chemistry and very intense physical attraction between us. Yesterday we had lunch together for the first time and the conversation flowed as if we had been friends for years. The similarities between our likes & dislikes, political views and taste in movies are mind blowing. He left today for a conference, but already we have plans for when he comes back. But we haven’t spoken about his relationship with his wife. I’ve been too caught up in the aspect of having such a great connection to this other human being that I haven’t wanted to think about the fact that he is married. But now that we are making plans, his wife is looming on my mind. Were he single, there is no doubt in my mind that I would spend the rest of my life with him…crazy to say after knowing him for such a short amount of time, but I’ve never connected on any level to any man the way I have to him. However, he is not single and I have come to realize that I am heading towards a path of distruction.
Before coming to this site, I thought long and hard about what would happen when he returns from his conference. I had decided that before we can go any further, I must ask him to tell me about this wife of his, their relationship status, and where they stand as far as whether they are intending to divorce or if they are always going to remain married in different households. I tried to imagine scenarios on how we can continue to be friends regardless and just never allow sex into the relationship, but I know that an affair is still an affair even if there isn’t sex. And all of the scenarios just wind up with me becoming more and more emotionally attached to this man. So I did a google search and wound up here.
Reading all of your posts has helped me to realize that nothing good can come of my pursuing anything more with this man. Not only is having an affair absolutely WRONG, I will undoubtedly be the one left hurting the most. As I said before, because of his business with the place I work, I will still be seeing him from time to time, but I intend to let him know the minute he returns that we will have nothing more than a working relationship going forward.
Maybe one day, he’ll walk in with divorce papers…but I’m not banking on it. In the meantime, I’ll be seeing one of my single crushes tomorrow…maybe I can work up the guts to ask him out. It will be a nice distraction anyway.
Just one question…why are all the “good” ones already taken?!?!?!?!?!?!!
Grrrrr. I have been the Other Woman for 8 year and am almost completely satisfied with my lot. It annoys me when sweeping statements are made - ALL SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT! My partner and I have a beautiful son and spend as much time together as we can. He is also still happy at home with his wife which is fine by me. Obviously there are hard times (especially with a child) like christmas for example but apart from that 1 time of year it is the perfect relationship for us. I get my freedom and he gets to prevent hurting people that dont deserve being hurt. We love each other deeply but I dont want any commitment from him.
Does this make me stupid? I dont think so, if anything I am the one person that is not going to go through a messy divorce and my son will learn what a happy relationship is all about.
Yes there is occasional guilt for his wife and kids. Yes he feels guilty as well and we have tried to end it on numerous occasions but we cant. The sex is not just good as a result of him being married - its the CHEMISTRY. We have lots of it - even after 8 years its still the best. He has never claimed not to be sleeping with his wife, or that she doesnt understand him, or that he is waiting for the right time to leave. I respect him for that cause he is refusing to lie to me. I have chosen my path and I also choose to stay on it as I have found my soul mate, its just that someone else found him first!
Anyone looking to chat or share stories and SUPPORT rather than criticism is welcome to come and chat at http://www.freewebs.co.uk/otherwomen.
This site has convinced me that I need to write a book. A book about women who ENJOY being the other woman, who are NOT victimized by the situation, and who see it for what it is, taking what you want, without taking on the added baggage. I am a 40-something woman who has been the “other woman” more often than not because it is what I prefer. The first time I was the “other woman” I was seventeen. I was pretty, smart, and popular and had my pick of boys my age. Boys who bored me to tears. Instead, I chose to have an affair with a 40-something married man. He was handsome, confident, financially comfortable, and amazing in bed. While my friends were fighting over foolish boys who needed gas money to go out, I was living a five-star life. My choice wasn’t about low self-esteem, or needing validation, it was about the fun, excitment, and the perks! In countless articles written on the subject, why doesn’t anyone ever talks about the perks of being the “other woman”?
In my experience, married men who play are usually successful, confident, and financially secure - they need to be all those things in order to afford both a wife and a mistress. The other commonality is that they are tired of the tedium. Tired of wives who have appointed themselves guardians of his time, his money, and his conscience. She never hesitates to remind him what he has forgotten to do, or where he has failed. She doesn’t wax anymore, wears sweats to bed, and rations sex like it’s a treat for good behavior. We “other woman” don’t have to steal him, he’s more than willing to spend his time & money on a woman who talks about something other than the mortgage and who knows how to show just enough cleavage to drive him crazy over dinner. A woman who is up on politics, has an opinion, and who doesn’t act like her world revolves around him - not being his wife is the sexiest thing about being the “other woman.”
I love it, I love the attention, I love the gifts, I love the trips, I love the excitment and the thrill of always making him want me a little more, and I love always being just a little unattainable, it’s a rush. The best part, for me, is that I don’t EVER have to do his laundry, or chase after his kids, I don’t care how much he spends, or if his life insurance policy is up to date - I don’t have to deal with any of his baggage and if he ever gets whiney or too serious I simply remind him that I’m not his wife nor his shrink and send him on his way. The most astonishing thing about married men is that less I care out their “feelings” the more they want me. Men don’t chase their wives, they’ve already caught them, men chase “the other woman.”
If you’re a woman who is letting a married man make you miserable you need to take a course on how to be a mistress - you should never be waiting on him & he should never be secure that you’re going to be available. I’ve always treated men like playthings and they always want to play.
Being the other woman is empowering and exciting and something every woman should try before she signs up for a lifetime of drugery with a man who will probably cheat on her with someone exactly like me, while she’s at home doing his laundry and feeding his kids.
i fell head over heels 4 guy i have known a long time. our kids are in the same judo class. he confessed all to his wife and left the family as he told her he loved me. after loads of abuse from her stones thrown at my car and lots of verbal. she was physicaly bashing him every couple of days. we thought we were getting some where and shewould calm down. how wrong i was. because she tried everything she could to get him back and nothing worked she tried to kill herself. and guess what it worked he went running back i couldnt belive it after making us public knowledge he succrys back to her after a couple of months says he is scared for the child. i am devastated. he is txting and trying 2 talk to me. he says its me he loves not her. says he has only gone back for the safety of there child.i cannot bring myself to speak to him as i am so hurt. he promised me the earth what a fool i have been
Does everyone know about the discussion boards for being the other woman/break/ups etc
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php
[...] Other relevant articles: How to cope with being the other woman, Being the other woman revisited [...]
I have been in a relationship with a married man for nearly seven years now … but I have never, until recently, felt like the “other woman”. You see for the past twenty years they have lived apart, in seperate continents, and it has seemed until recently only to be in name alone.
His wife is older than him and has had heart problems for a few years and I feel that he does not want to cause her any anguish, also he likes the kudos of marraige … he talks about her a lot, even in front of me and I find that quite hurtful … as it seem that although for most of their marraige they have not just lived apart, they live in seperate countries … he still ranks her as number one whilst I am just second best. And sometimes I can’t understand why … from what he and some friends say, he got married almost as an afterthought, both of them were running their own business and for ten years basically passed each other in the corridor, it was almost as if he got married as it was the “done thing” and gave him a certain respect and status. There are no children.
But recently it is as if I am too much trouble, yet I have never involved myself and never made a fuss when, with people who do know her quite well, he treats me more like an aquaintance as he has his reputation to uphold … I no longer think it is worth putting in any more time and effort as it is obviously not going anywhere and I feel that it is just now convienent for him to keep me hanging on.
I am really confused …
Reading the emails that have been sent i see that there are actually alot of women who go through this. i never realised just how many people do. i thought my situation was bad and ive only been with my mm for 10months which seemed alot to me untill i read these messages. ive got alot of information from these messages and i thank each and every1 of u who has wrote ur story, especially the person who created this site. my mm regurely tells me the quoted things above ie. ill leave wen the time is right etc.. and how stupid i feel now for believing it. i think any1 who gets into this kind of situation the sooner u realise it aint goin to work the sooner u can stop being fooled by this mm!
A very big thank u to every1..
I’ve been seeing my mm for 11 months now and we’ve been through a lot already. I’m recently divorced and really don’t want a man constantly around me all the time, so this situation some-what works out for me. I can tell you that I some times get frustrated with his unavailability when I especially what him around., but most of the time I enjoy it because I like my space. He has been m for 24yrs and Is very unhappy at home. Some months ago he really wanted to leave his wife for me and I told him no……I’m not ready for that. He is totally head over heels for me and I do love him too. We have a good relationship and the sex is the best i’ve had in my life!!!!! The problem I have with him is he doesn’t want me to see or date other men. He tells me I’m wrong and I should be faithful to him. I tell him how dare you… when you’re not being faithful to your wife!!!! I don’t know what I should do about this and need advice. Shouldn’t I have a right to date other men if I want????
i’ve been seeing a mm for 10 months. i’ve tried to break it off twice but keep going back. i’m now on my third time of trying to stop it but can feel myself weakening already, which is why i came looking for some advice.
i would so like to be with him but i don’t want to break up his family. i sometimes think that maybe i will be happy being the ow, but then deep down i don’t think i will.
it just seems so annoying that i found someone who treats me so well and makes me feel so special but its all a lie isn’t it? and i don’t think i really want to admit that to myself.
boy this is rubbish…
Is there anyone who can give me sound advice? I am so confused. I have been seeing a man who has a partner of 8 yrs for 14months. It is not the usual cock and bull story of how his partner dosn’t understand him, quite the opposite, he says they are in love and what a lovely woman she is, so why i he coming and having sex with me? I want to let him go but he keeps contacting me saying he will come round just as friends and then the inevitable happens. How do i get out of it? He says he tells his partner white lies but never lies to me, It’s all about sex i think! Help!
Cocobell33, I have a similar dilemma. Trying really hard to finish it with UMM. Been on a date with a guy who I haven’t let myself get to know yet but who seems to be much more worthwhile than this UMM. But now new guy is asking me for another date and I keep turning him down with crap excuses and seeing UMM. For one thing my conscience won’t let me two-time and the sooner I get with new guy the sooner I have to end it with UMM… which I’ve tried unsuccessfully twice already. Trying to keep hold of new guy cos I feel it may help me end it with UMM…?
Anyway, UMM always says to me that I should be with someone who can be there for me 100% (hello!! Why did he initiate the relationship, then!) and that he knows I’ll find someone before long who can commit 100% and can I tell him when I do! I find all of that spiel very strange, to be honest. Anyway, recently he accused me of playing him, ’cause I’d ’stood him up’ two Fridays in a row and so he assumed I was on a date with someone else!
Is it any wonder my brain is fried?
Been with UMM 2.5months
Boy oh boy, do you write good stuff!!! I logged in here last night for the first time, in an 8 month relationship with a MM, where, of course, if I WAS completely happy, I wouldn’t have been doing searches periodically on ‘cheating husbands’, etc. that uncovered sites like this!!! Reading this stuff, plus the latest thing I have to put up with from him this morning (playing second fiddle) has me suggesting we take time off for me to make a quality decision. He’s going to talk to me tonight, he said, as if there is something he could say…..and I’m going to take a week, I think, to make sure I mean it and can stick to it. My relationship is long distance too. …guess who has to pay all the airfare!!!??? His money goes to his family, so he can’t afford it.
Oh dear…you have been jacked. I am getting more and more shocked at these tightfisted married men! This is the fifth story in the past couple of days that I have come across where a woman has had to finance a guy in this situ! I recommend you visit the forum where there are lots of OW’s http://www.bagaggereclaim.co.uk/forum and also check out http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-cope-with-being-the-other-woman/ and http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-with-and-getting-over-a-married-manattached-man/
Thanks for reiterating exactly what I have been thinking and feeling for the last 6 months. Well its over now but MM still trys to contact me even after 3 weeks of avoidance. I told him, ‘i may love you but i love me more’ wow, he had no answer for that.
I suppose you ladies have all done the same as me, you know, kept all the incriminating evidence, cards, texts etc! Well I have and they paint a story of how ‘I’ was chased by him and not the other way round.
Time to put me back on the menu in my life! Come on girls, chins up, dust yourself down and start loving yourself!