If you’ve ever had a ‘relationship’ that can’t seem to end with a guy that keeps turning up like a bad penny, it’s because you’re in a ‘boomerang relationship’. No matter how many times you get ‘chucked away’, you keep returning. Generally he’s the one to end it, although sometimes you do because you get sick and tired of the ambiguity, and then you try to get on with your own life. This is when he’ll play it one of two ways:

He’ll bring out the friend card and ‘keep in touch’ with you via phone, text, email etc, so that you never really get to wash him out of your hair, and his ego ensures that he is keeping one foot in your life and making his presence felt whilst he gets on with his own life. It means he also gets to keep tabs on whether you’re moving on. Of course, at the first sign of you moving on, he ups the contact or even turns up on your doorstep to rekindle things.

The other route is to ‘play dead’ for a while by having no contact with you. You go through the heartbreaking, emotionally wrenching process of trying to let go and at some point you reach a level of acceptance that it is over. Then out of the blue (they seem to have an in-built homing device that ensures that they choose you at just the right time), he makes contact with you, and suddenly you’re thinking ‘What if?’ and all of your progress goes out the window. The contact may continue and again, you may end up rekindling things.

Whatever it is that he chooses to do, you end up being suckered into being The Yo-Yo Girl, that woman that keeps returning to the scene of the crime and seems to have a trail of unfinished business in her life, or ‘boomerang relationships’. You’ll know you’re her if:

- Either of the scenario’s above seem familiar.
- You claim you’ve ended it with various partners, but you have hook-ups and there have been several attempts at rekindling things, that clearly aren’t working out.
- There seems to be no end to your relationships – they end ambiguously and when he returns, whilst you may have high hopes, he continues to be ambiguous.
- You’ve often gone from being in a relationship with a guy, to being broken up, to being his booty call even if you rationalise it as something better.
- You claim to be over your ex’s but secretly hold out hope that at least one of them will come blazing back in on his white horse and declare his undying love and realise how wonderful you are. (cough, cough!)
- Despite finding yourself in these scenario’s, you fear confronting him and asking for clarification and instead rely on your imagination.

There is rarely a good outcome to ‘boomerang relationships’ and at some point, you need to confront why you just can’t let go and stop flogging a dead horse. You are Relationshipville’s glutton for punishment. Being The Yo-Yo Girl means that you never move on and live in limbo and that’s not a very pleasant way for anyone to live. These guys that you keep yourself in limbo for shouldn’t have carte blanche to swan in and use you at the drop of a hat (or his or your pants) and you’re doing your self-esteem untold damage. And don’t think that it’s just him that’s avoiding commitment because you are too. Being The Yo-Yo Girl means that you never have to confront why your relationships aren’t working or your fears about being with someone who isn’t ambiguous and actually wants commitment.

Remember that the reason why he keeps popping back into your life is because just like he can’t commit to being with you, he also can’t commit to not being with you and likes to keep a foothold in your life. Pandering to his narcissistic ways by massaging his ego and his emotional unavailability, still doesn’t bring you any closer to him committing to you. He is a dog in a manger and the sooner you recognise this, the sooner you cut your yo-yo strings and break your boomerang, before he breaks you!
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .

Natalie (NML) – who has written posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.


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41 Responses to Boomerang Relationships & The Yo-Yo Girl

  1. Vixen says:

    I love this article! I hear so many stories of the yo yo relationship that I just want to shake my fellow sistas and give them a clue. Grrrr!

  2. Piglet says:

    All the statements above just like my personal experience. I still can’t finish this messy relationship. I already know he doesn’t want to make any decision and he just happy with this situation. We still hand out as usual and the problem is still there. Oh! Shouldn’t be like this anymore. I can’t tell if I need him or want him.

  3. T says:

    I am in this situation. I have someone who i have tried, tried to end it. i tell him let me go. he says ok. then he pops up all the time. mad calls me, you know tons of missed calls just so i know he is around. i told him point blank i am so much more than sex and he told, i know you are, i know you are. yet he won’t give me what i want and he won’t leave. ego… i am on the verge of changing my phone number but i think that is a drastic thing. any thoughts on this?

  4. CH says:

    I’ve just escaped from a horrible one of these.
    As hard as it is, you have to be honest with yourself.

    Piglet – of course your man is happy. Regular sex and a woman he can control and manipulate. It doesn’t get any better for him. He isn’t going to change. You are used to him, and you’ve probably started equating your self-worth with how he treats you. But you’re better than that. Walk away, as quickly as possible, it’ll hurt like hell for a while, but like you say, it’s messy, it shouldn’t be like this – its not love, and it won’t ever be. You deserve better.

    T – I’d go for changing your number. Tell your friends your new number – and tell them not to give it to your man, in case he tries to contact them. It is a bit drastic but I had to do it to get rid of mine, and it really does work! Don’t tell him you’re doing it though – the dead tone will be a nice wake up call (excuse the pun), and make sure you don’t call him! Good luck!

  5. Trace says:

    Wow! You just described my current relationship. What a wake up call…
    How do I get the strength to walk away and not look back?

  6. NML says:

    Hi ladies thanks for your comments.

    T – change your number if it means that you get to move on and have some closure. Although it seems drastic, it’s worth it in the long run. Don’t notify him, just cut him off dead.
    Trace – It’s difficult but can be done. You need to be very real about the situation that you’re in. Instead of looking at those fleeting moments of feeling good, focus on those many times when you feel bewildered, hurt, and alone. The best thing that you can do though until your self-esteem catches up with you and you feel good about yourself is to cut off all contact. This is the only way to break up effectively from a guy that is like this. Go cold turkey and refuse all forms of contact with him. Don’t give him a heads up about it – just do it. Then concentrate on getting your life in order – spend time with family and friends, catch up with work, be social, but also spend some quality time with yourself and start to feel good about you. The only way you don’t look back however is if you recognise that this isn’t working, it’s never going to work, and that there is nothing to look back to.

  7. Kellie says:

    Wow. What an article. That is EXACTLY the girl i have been and am desperately trying not to be anymore.
    it is SO painful, you keep hoping and praying that if you do something right, then he’ll finally come around, that if only you had said the right thing or done who knows what better than you did, then it might have turned out different.
    I’ve had SO many men like this. they flirt, fall in love with you (whatever that means!) then suddenly they freak out, disappear, and leave you. you feel like s&$T and think what did i do wrong, why cant i just walk away… and the next time they see you all happy and la-di-da, they act as if they havent just trodden all over your heart. they’re there in your psyche damaging you but they are so achingly ABSENT from physical reality.
    it sucks, i dont want any more of it, i am fed up with it. i am going to go completely cold turkey on this guy, even though i know we are soul mates and have been great friends, he’s made it abundantly clear how he doesnt want to be with me, it’s time for me to take responsiblity, smell the ugly flowers and get the hell out of there .
    like Oprah said, ‘in painful situations i learn the lesson and then i get out!’
    god bless you sisters and good luck… BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT

  8. Kellie says:

    ps Just wanted to add, it’s time for me to take responsibility of my OWN inability to be present and real with ppl, and to take a long hard look at my own freakish habits of avoidance and emotional withdrawal.
    it’s time to get real…
    because being fake cannot go on…

  9. fortuna says:

    Hi girls,

    Great advise,
    Although I have ended my relationship with MM and I claimed my life back but sometimes I does cross my mind if I left the door slightly open would he come back to my life and commit to me ? I wonder!!!again reading the articles and the comments left no doubts on me I should stop wondering.

    Good luck to all of you ladies

  10. nysharon says:

    wow, just came accross this. I ended a yo yo relationship of 5 years for good exactly 11 days ago. Last year we were apart for 7 mos. and I made the first call. Now I am trying to retrain my thinking so that I don’t even immagine we will be together someday. This time I left no door open except for changing my numbers. So far, so good.

  11. LavanyaLea says:

    Wow, I AM in this yo-yo “relationship”, been going on for 2 years now. 2 months ago I did the cold turkey on him and blocked him off MSN, and even went as far as deleting my own account on this social network thing so he can’t reach me. about 40 days went and everything was fine when all of the sudden he called – and obviously, at the perfect time, I was with a really bad company and I was just dying for an excuse to leave. The next day he was ringing my doorbell and the vicious cycle returns.

    ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…….. and for the past month, I was in some kinda imaginary dreamland, I think I’m just about to get out of it… I have just realised that he is soooo not worth it (many times I’ve considered waiting for him, til he’s ready, silly me!).

    This line sums it all up: “Just like he can’t commit to being with you, he also can’t commit to not being with you”.

  12. mmk says:

    I want to thank all of you for your comments – after reading all of them
    I have identified myself as a “yo yo girl” – I just need the courage to
    cut the strings.

    I met “Mr. X” – things seemed to click – We still talk everyday.

    We are both going through some rough times with our careers.
    I just started a new job and I’m trying to get my finances back on track.
    Mr. “X” has not been as successful. I felt bad telling him I got the job and how happy I was -knowing he was in limbo about his. He claimed he was very happy for me.

    We have not seen each other in several weeks – he has blown me off – and says it’s because of his job situation.

    Yes, Stupid me – I allowed it happen – one more time then I should have. Not having the courage to get things resolved on the phone – I was a chicken and wrote him an e-mail. I told him, blowing me off made me feel like crap and by trying to reschedule another date – I questioned his honesty and sincerity. His response back in an e-mail – he apologized about making me feel bad & reconfirmed he was not blowing me – it’s a bad time he going through and please understand.
    He told me I’m reading too much into things and that he wants to be with me – He “truly” likes me very very much.
    As for our phone calls -they basically consist of him talking about his bad day – He asks how things are going for me – the minute I start saying something good about my new job – he makes an excuse to hang up. He claims he is not a phone person and the highlight to his day is our phone conversations. I hold back not discussing things about the relationship -
    I listen to him – and try to suggest things to make it better for him.
    Last weekend he wanted me to come up his way – I explained that I could not even afford the gas – until my first pay check. He said he understood – so instead of coming to visit me – he canceled our plans and did something else in his neighborhood. I communicated in an e-mail how – he should make the effort to come and pick me up while I am going through my bad financial time – he agreed to come up by me this weekend – We had planned on Saturday – but he came up with another excuse why he could not come Saturday – however he told me on the phone he wants to see me we haven’t seem each other in weeks – we ended our phone conversation Saturday afternoon – with “Mr. X” saying he would call me back later in the day – I thought he would call me back to confirm our plans for Sunday – Guess what -he didn’t call.
    I’m not surprised. I’m just hurt . – I know I’m going to get “that” phone call telling me he can’t make it for one reason or another –

    Bottom Line:
    I think it’s going to take an elephant to land on me – at least I’ll know what caused my pain – and hopefully be able to walk.

    Why does he keep calling me every day? Why does he insist he really likes me very very much. I asked him to be truthful and not to lie about his feeling- he says he’s not lying & has been completely truthful with me – Am I reading between the lines?

  13. Kellie says:

    MMK – dont actions speak louder than words? Words are so easy and so plentiful… but actions are more powerful. What are his actions telling you? (I loved the comment about it taking an elephant to land on you – that’s how I feel!)

  14. MMK says:

    Kellie,
    Thank you for your reply. I did myself a favor this morning and ended it with Mr.X….. Thank you for the support – Now is the true test -
    keeping the door shut despite the pain. I could use that elephant’s
    weight to keep the door shut . I still am not sure how I came across this blog, but I am happy I did! The best feeling is setting my insecure feelings free.
    I can only hope other women who are in similar situations find this blog
    and realize they are not alone – It may give them the courage too.
    Thanks again….
    MMK

  15. Mary R says:

    I have just ended an on-off relationship of 7 years. We live on separate coasts now, but we keep threading ourselves together which makes it more and more difficult to see the big picture of what is going on between us. It was a very strong connection from the moment we met and I can’t seem to get it out of my head that we aren’t meant for each other. But I keep coming back to one bottom line truth… IT ISN”T HEALTHY. It just isn’t healthy. He is coming to NY next week and we were supposed to see each other for the first time in a year. I’ve been struggling with it, but felt certain I wanted to see him and touch him again. Then, last night, I woke up drenched in sweat from a nightmare I had in which he was visiting me and all was going nicely, but when I began to sense there was something else going on underneath, I tried to quietly leave and he pulled out a gun and said I couldn’t leave. This has been a reoccuring dream.. that we are intimate and then he either strangles or stabs me. I know, you are thinking HELLO, RED FLAG. But when I get in my daily life I forget these. Anyway, last night, I thought something is clearly, clearly wrong here. I called him and told him and I could not do this with him. And to not call me or text/email me. He was clipped, “no problem”. I’ve tried to separate him before, but it’s been out of emotional sadness, frustration, anger… this was out of just plain gut feeling that something is wrong. I’m very very glad I found this thread, I feel numb today, but I know I will be on a rollercoaster of emotions for sometime. Maybe when I do I will come back and reread what I’ve written to remind myself. Anyway, thanks for reading. Good luck to all.

  16. Kellie says:

    Mary R!
    WOW!
    Your dreams ARE telling you something! they are the vehicle for your subconscious to warn you to get the hell out! (I’ve had a lot of those dreams too… everything goes ok but then something bad happens and the guys does a dud on you – and in the dream it’s more vivid than real life!)
    I absolutely agree 100% that all of this – all this shite we’re all going through – is totally unhealthy! not only emotionally, but spiritually and physically, too! it literally damages our health!
    I’ve been reading this ‘Dating without Drama’ book and it has really changed things for me.. as well as ‘Women who Love Too Much’ (a killer, but the truth!). Both have really changed things for me…
    I wish you the best of luck… stay strong… you can do it! you can!!!! and you will!!!! and something pure and beautiful and REAL will come right in to that space you open up!

    MMK – you are so welcome – thank YOU for your comments, they were fantastic!

    Today i think is really the day i stand up for myself and finish it with this guy. we hook up, we go out to lunch, he doesnt call me when he says he will, he pops up the minute i finally get him out of my hair… but this time i am going to be firm – this time it’s the real deal! and it has been a total nightmare… but i’m prepared to have the courage to give myself a better life…
    wish me luck!!
    bless u all…

  17. [...] They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl… [...]

  18. [...] independently of him. Failure to address this will result in you constantly being caught in the Yo-Yo effect, and pandering to a guy blowing hot and cold. Because they appear to be your source of [...]

  19. Kate says:

    I am so glad I found this blog. I have been doing the yo-yo girl thing for about 6 months now. More than once have emailed him and told him I really didn’t think he was interested in me because he would stop communicating for weeks and then pop-up. I also felt like such an idiot all the time for letting him do it. I finally told him that if he had any commpassion in his heart he would let me go-because I have a hard time resisting him. His constant inattention is not healthy and is poison to my psyche. I don’t blame him really though-I blame myself-he is who he is and I ALWAYS knew who he was and justified my addiction to him by telling myself that I must want this kind of relationship-that I must not be ready for a real relationship. I think there is a sort of passive self-hatred in indulging in these relationships…the phone just rang and I hoped it was him:-) ha,ha

  20. sm says:

    wow kate, good advice. i am not sure if i am yo-yo-ing but it all sounds similar. i just wrote an email to the guy last night that i feel is sending mixed messages telling him that i am not totally comfortable around him like i should be with my ‘guy friends’. It’s been like that since we’ve changed our relationship to friendship in july, when he said i wasn’t my soul mate, but still wants to do everything with me. So I told him last night via email that I can’t be the girlfriend-void filler for him as I will feel hurt when he does get a gf. He seems to think that we should be best friends and that his life has improved dramatically since he met me. But for some reason I don’t feel like I am benefitting from our friendship as he is, and whenever i pull back, he gets more interested and it makes me think that he’s finally getting into me…but by the sounds of this article, perhaps not. Should i just cold-turkey and say thanks for the best friend offer, but I’m all set? and walk out of his life?

    thanks!

  21. Kate says:

    sm,

    I understand how hard it is, but you have to guard your heart against this kind of pain-no one else will protect it-you are its sole protector. Its getting trampled and smushed by him, you have to get your heart out of harms way by making a clean cut from him. Otherwise its just like a slow death and you don’t deserve that.

    Kate

  22. Kellie says:

    girls!!!

    wow amazing posts.
    last nite THE YO YO BOY came to this bar i was hanging in. he ignored me completely and walked past me – after we had hooked up, he had said he wanted to be with me and then didnt call and then insulted me in public – anyway i thought, no probs, walk past me Yo Yo Boy. but that wasnt enough for him, so he comes and sits with my friends. i ignore him completely.
    then he comes up to me and tries chatting. in the past, before i realised that this was a man i had created with my own excuses and day dreams rather than taking him as he is – ie a cold, selfish yoyo bastard – ordinarily i would have melted and chatted and been nice and friendly, even though it would break my heart. but last nite? i said, if you dont get away from me i am going to throw this beer in your f***n face, so go away! he scampered back to his chair and sat there.
    this annoyed me.
    so i got two beers and threw them both in his face/all over his body.
    I AM NO LONGER WASTING TIME ON TIME WASTERS AND IT FEELS GREAT! also, i have been getting SO much attention from guys – they come up to me, chat, flirt – it’s BIZARRE!!!
    i know it’s hard, but when you realise that when you are with a yo yo guy, you are actually participating in your own demise and abuse. it’s bad for your health, your spirit, and your mind – and i’ve had enough!
    i finally ended it with this guy!
    hurrah…
    and i wish you all the best – the best to get out of this cycle of emotional abuse and face the fact that you are BETTER than this!
    x

  23. Mary R says:

    Kellie,
    I’m going to be frank with you. What you did to this person sounds abusive to me. I think the key is respecting boundaries. If we let people into our private space before we really know them, confusion and games are going to start happening. I don’t think it is fair to blame one person. We are responsible for our own space. Getting to know and respect our own boundaries gives us a sense of who we want in our space.
    It sounds like alcohol was involved in this situation and that can easily lead to boundaries dissolving.. and problems/drama. I’ve been there (sober for 2 years now).
    Keep it real and before you check another person, check yourself.
    We’re all struggling to figure this stuff out. Best to you.

  24. Kate says:

    Mary R.,

    Congrats on being sober for 2 years-tough stuff.

    Kellie,

    I think your spirit is amazing!!! As well as your insight into how yo-yo guys are bad for your health. The fact that you refuse to let your self be abused is a huge step-I think you have hit on a key too-about other guys now giving you more attention. Guys are attracted to a girl who is confident in herself. I’m not sure about the drink in the face-I’m sure everything he did to you was worse-it might be good to use that tactic sparingly though:-)

    Kate

  25. Kellie says:

    ha ha Kate thanks for your comments. i’ve never done the beer thing before but this guy has been so abusive/cruel etc to me i thought, what have i got to lose. and it’s not like i havent been patient, kind, loving, attentitive to him -even when he was rubbing **** in my face.

    which brings me to your comments, Mary (love that name!)
    throwing beer into someone’s face is not nice, that’s kind of the point of it. it certainly isnt decorous or kind.
    but you didnt seem to notice the rest of the passage – perhaps i didnt elaborate enough on the things this boy has done to me (and yes, which i have allowed him to get away with for so long).
    the person who has been abusive in this scenario is not me! not for two beers! no. the person who has been abusive has been him – for lying to me, for setting me up, for insulting me sexually in public (ie making fun of me), for gossiping, for letting me down, for not turning up to plans he made with me – etc etc etc – so i disagree with you about the abuse part.

    i also dont think it’s a matter of blame – it’s a matter of saying to myself, you are participating in your own abuse from this guy – this emotional, mental, spiritual abuse – and you need to make your choice.
    so i made it.

    and as for the beer – was it rude? yup. you bet ya..
    Do i regret it? no.

    have a good one!

  26. Ally says:

    Wow! I’ve been the Yo-Yo girl in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man for 2 years and broke it off in September, but have had sporatic contact since. I’m so glad to hear that it is not just me! And thrilled that there is hope that I can overcome this attachment I have for him. Not sure how, but I feel stronger to try. Thanks ladies!

  27. Gloria says:

    I think men that use women like this should be castrated! I know that it’s our job not to allow ourselves to be used and recognize the signs of an unavailable man, but a woman that is with Mr.Unavailable obviously has some issues. A woman with these issues simply needs help or counseling and DOES NOT deserve to be taken advantage of by these cold-hearted, bastards! The messed up part is, these men know that they are taking advantage of women in this circumstance and instead of just letting them go, they continue to use the women for what they can get, despite the fact that they have absolutely no intention of ever committing to them. These guys seem to do this without any remorse and will keep using you until you stop them! This can devistate a woman. Especially if she is going through alot in her own life and is reaching out for someone to simply give a damn. Yes, we should love ourselves, but it is in human nature to want a mate to be a true part of our lives.Some women don’t even have family in there lives and one of these good for nothing male predators will come along, bring companionship to there live and pretend that they care about them…..then drop the “Friendship” bomb because they don’t feel like having to committ to one woman or committ to the work of a relationship.This can devistate and even traumatize a woman, but they don’t seem to care. They get “all the pleasure and none of the guilt” of being with us. This has got to stop…today! These males are sooo freakin stupid! Why would someone rather go bed hopping, than be with someone that they obviously feel comfortable with and share real feelings for? Women that are with Mr.Unavailable are usually good women who would be there for these guys through thick and thin. That’s what really matters in life, not how some one-night-stand’s vagina feels! Most of these unavailable men are getting great sex from the women that are chasing them and don’t even deserve it! What the f***!I guess in this day in age, they are able to get all of their needs met by several different women without having to ever committ. I mean, think about it ladies, men are able to get sex, friendship, companionship, love, support and even children and share a household with a woman these days without ever, ever having to be married or even in a relationship. Damn it, I think ALL WOMEN need to BOYCOTT this behavior. We must hold these males (not men)accountable for their actions from now on! If we did, these males (not men) would have no freakin’ choice but to “man up” and committ to woman instead of using them to fulfill this need or that need! COMMITT TO ALL OF ME OR GET NONE OF ME! Seriously though, I’m afraid that I will end up completely hating men because I see so much of this crap happening. Where the hell are the so-called good freakin men? Even the so called good and available men don’t seem to know how to treat good women these days. Men don’t even seem to know how to solve problems in their own lives and especially not in relationships. Our society has produced an error of punks who don’t have any God consciousness about them. If we hold men accountable today by changing our behavior as women, maybe the next generation of men and women will have a chance of real love and fulfilling what God created us to be. Starting now,how will you hold men accountable for their actions in your own life? I know from a similar experience that we teach people how to treat us……… What will you teach a man today?
    Stay Strong Ladies. You are beautiful! Peace

  28. KK says:

    Good evening from the USVI ladies. I loved this article it is right on time for me. I am a yo-yo girl of two years, unfortunately for me though I now have a two month old with my extremely unavailable Mr. AXE (play on EX). I am angry, but honestly I think it is covering the hurt and humiliation of knowing i let someone do this to me and i went along with it and the rejection. On and off over and over, making myself available for the emotional whipping. But something came to me as I read all the entries. Am I crazy, is it just me, or does it seem that the number of jerky men is larger than us yo-yo girls? What I am saying is, outside of this Axe, I am outgoing, fun-loving, genuine, caring, thoughtful and more. I am somewhat insecure and because of that one flaw I pick up the a-hole I did? Naw, I think we ladies are probably great women whom STAYED because of the insecurity whereas another would have left (and poured the drink sooner-lol- bet he was stunned!). Yes, I am sure we need some closer looks and more work, but in general I think there should be a blog where like AA, these @!$*# can write in about how dysfunctional, disconnected, delusioned, etc. they are! Because if there are so many of them, once we finish our work and are FABULOUS! they will still be the same old dumps and there’ll be less great men to choose from.
    I have cut off contact as of Sunday, after being told for the 1000th time he doesn’t want to be emotionally involved with me and giving up on hoping and waiting for his emotional love to kick in. I have waited, placated, submitted, been silent, walked on eggshells, been the booty buddy and now baby mama. At this point, I don’t care what he wants anymore, he can stuff it, cause his wants come 5th, if even that, to mine. Hope he stubs his little toe everyday several times a day for the next 12 months.
    Much strength, peace and love headed your way ladies. Thanks for sharing!

  29. Kate says:

    KK,

    You know, I’m thinking about it and I’m not so sure we stayed with these guys as long as we did because we are insecure as much as we wanted to punish ourselves for getting duped in the first place. Maybe some guys and gals can pick up and leave even if they are treated crappy because they don’t have the warped need to punish everything in their life that isn’t perfect.
    I like what my Dad says about dating. My Dad is a writer-also he was a long time bachelor so he knows what he is talking about. He says that writing is like being in the rejection business-just expect to get rejected-then you might get lucky and get published. He says dating is the same thing-it is like being in the rejection business-you find someone if you get lucky-but rejection and maybe alot of it-is just part of the whole experience. So don’t feel like crap if you get rejected its not you-its the human experience-happens to us all. It will get better-just wait and see.

  30. [...] Recommended reading Boomerang Relationships and The Yo You Girl [...]

  31. [...] again especially when he senses that you’ve started to forget about him. These guys are like boomerangs with a sixth sense for recognising when you’re starting to move on and get happy. He is [...]

  32. D says:

    I really needed this site! Wow! I am the Yo Yo girl. I can’t beleive it! I have been seeing this guy off and on for over 2 years I have walked away 3 out of the 4 times we were on or so I thought we were on…he called me everyday and he saw me 2 times a week usually end up having sex but he would tell me he could not commit and that he wasn’t seeing anyone else but he was not ready for a commitment. I beleived him and still do is a drinker so I think that alcohol is the other woman in his life and he is extremely selfish. He does not just let anyone into his life and I know this because I have known him for 2 years so I supposedly use that to think “Wow I must be special then because everytime we run into eachother even 5 months after me breaking it off he wants to pick it right back up again! Calling me like everyday and texting me but never committing to a real date or real time I break down and want to crawl into his bed with him because I think he is so damn sexy and then the next thing you know he is back in control. I hate it I am so sick of it! He is a real ASS and I am his ego boost because I am a damn good catch and he knows it! Whatever I am going to take the last night booty call I made and not look back….I left his place this morning he wanted to me to stay all night so I did but then of course no call today and no plans of when or if we will get together again. I will hear tomorrow probably, it will go something like “how are doing? What are you doing? I’ll give you a call tomorrow.” No plans will be made for a date nada! What BS I have been so fooled into thinking this guy really cared about me OMG I am so stupid. I am going to do my very best this time to chalk it up to he was just a booty call to me I am the one who intitiated it so I have serious issues I need to work out and this guy is not helping matters. I want to have a commited loving relationship someday and if I keep going over to Mr J’s house and taking his calls I will never get it.

  33. [...] excerpt from new ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I explain the assuming that keeps a Yo-Yo Girl (YYG) in her boomerang relationship with her ‘bad penny’ Mr Unavailable. This excerpt is [...]

  34. David says:

    Talk about an emotionally unavailable person having a built in home device. I just deleted all of the emails, voice mails, and email address of my emotionally unavailable friend Lisa who I had finally thought I had gotten over in these past 6 months, and guess what — within 4 days, she contacted me again by emai. I’m trying to figure out the best response so things can just fade away.

  35. [...] and ask yourself if they meant you any good? As every woman who has been on the receiving end of a boomerang relationship and been a Yo-Yo Girl or general Fallback Girl can testify to, the truth is, it doesn’t spell anything [...]

  36. Abe says:

    I’ve been that girl, I however refused to let a guy make me change my number… The keys girls is to be strong no matter how much your heart is breaking…. cry if you must but don’t pick up the phone or call for that matter and pray like there is no tomorrow…. It took 6 months to finally get over him and move on with myself…don’t rush into another relationship give yourself time to heal…in my case I didnt date anyone for almost 2 years. Get yourself back! Now when I see him it doesnt make a difference and I am not bitter about anything…it afterall was a learning experience! You never come out the same and you learn to make better choices thought you fail sometimes…but even when you fail, you recognize the warning signs and move on before it gets too serious or damages you! The most important thing to realize is that you are worth it and a man doesnt define you or your worth. We as women need to realize that society’s definition of relationships does not define who we are….so what if you are 35 or whatever and unmarried, a baby mama or not in a relationship? So what! Big Deal….Enjoy being you and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Being single and happy is a blessing not a curse…. once you have yourself and that confidence men will start flocking you like bees on pollen….then you get to chose and not be chosen! Just believe in yourself and let the loser go! It’s hard but if I can do it, so can you… you are much stronger than you REALIZE

  37. [...] All that a Mr Unavailable or assclown does when you offer or accept the dodgy hand of friendship, is parlay your low self-esteem, your inability to be real about the relationship, and your lack of boundaries, into a booty call, regular ego stroke, or boomerang relationship. [...]

  38. Mia says:

    I feel so happy that this webpage exists and that there are so many troubled – but STRONG – women out there who are fighting to get back on track with their lives after escaping the claws of MR EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE!!
    I have just ended a “relationship” of 2 months with a Mr Unavailable which obviously was going nowhere and the worst part is – I kind of knew already within a few weeks of being with him. He was not a bad person, I think – but very, very troubled and not capable of connecting emotionally. He even told me that was the deal. He was unstable but I felt so attracted to him and I wanted to heal and nurture him in any way that I could – silly me. Of course he did not have any desire whatsoever to receive my help – and why should he? His life is his responsibility – as my own life is mine. And the minute I realised that his behaviour of suddenly ignoring me for no obvious reason was an indicator of how things would be with him in the future – I broke it off.

    And I actually think that prior experiences with similar guys have helped me A LOT this time. I have been involved with an emotionally unavailable man for two years – when I was 19-21. Today I’m 31 and I’m ashamed to say that these men still attract me – but PROUD to say that I recognized the warning signs after only 2 months – instead of 2 years. Yes – there is hope. And I am determined to find a real man – and not get involved with these emotional vampires again. Good luck to all of you.

  39. [...] One-sided – You’re there even when he’s not there and you’re using the glimmers of good times and their ‘good points’ and covering up the remainder of the time. The relationship may be casual, it may not even be a relationship, or it might be, but he’s realised that you’re not listening and you’ll be there anyway. Check out my post on Yo-Yo Girls and boomerang relationships. [...]

  40. lorna says:

    i have been in one of these relationships off and on for 4 years, it just amazes me that these men who we care and love for can treat us this badly and make us so unhappy when once they told us they loved us…why do they go out their way to treat us this badly its the upset and coldness that gets to me and stops me from moving on, how can you trust anything any man says as they seem so believable at the time when they say it, it puts me off ever having another relationship again.

  41. Ellie says:

    Girls I have just managed to successfully break free one of these vile men after 2 and half years of an absolute living hell in which both my physical and mental health were severely affected.

    I won’t lie to you, it was THE SINGLE HARDEST thing I have ever had to do. It completely broke my heart in two but for the first time in nearly a year, I saw him yesterday and I am HAPPY. I cut him out of my life once and for all and now he’s as miserable as sin but I got it, I reclaimed control over me and my life. No mobile phone, text, email or even conversational contact, and the taking it day by day to allow me to heal properly. It’s the most incredible feeling now having gotten my life back. Go on girls, get rid of him and don’t be his fallback. It took every ounce of strength I had because I completely loved him with every sinew of my being but I got nothing back, in fact never once did I get anything in return, it was all take take take.

    I’m now never going to accept anything but honesty and commitment from whichever man is lucky enough to enter my life in the future! Good luck to one and all and girls, you can do it! X

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!