Recently I’ve been asked by several readers whether a booty call can become so much more. I must say firstly though, if you know that you’re actually a booty call, should you really be asking this question! Anyway…
Booty Call: This is when someone has the ability to flex their dialing finger and call up a certain person solely for the purpose of a shag. It tends to be late at night, it’s most definitely casual, no strings fun, and it relies on either both parties being grown up enough to know the deal and enjoy it for what it is, or for one person to be clever enough to let the other think that they’re getting more than they are, when all they’re looking for is boo-tay.
On the very basis that booty calls relies on the parties using each other for sex and you being flexible enough not to mind, why the hell would you want it to turn into a relationship? If you’re doing the booty call right, you don’t know enough about their character or personality to warrant even considering having a relationship. Technically all you know is that they screw well (God help you if you’re having a crap sex with a booty call…) and that when it comes to getting free and easy sex without any hassle, they can be punctual about arriving, and even more punctual about beating a hasty retreat to their own home, so that you can finish getting a good nights sleep. If you’ve been talking and getting to know each other…you just aren’t doing it right!
Booty calls are about using people for sex and whilst it’s a case of each to their own, it’s not a great advertisement for a person. Trust me when I say that booty calls are not something that everybody indulges in. The fact that all he wants to do is rock up when he gets hard, stick it to you and then leave, shouldn’t have you hankering for a relationship!
But unfortunately, we often confuse sex, especially good sex that makes you scream the place down with ecstasy and practically has you swinging from the chandeliers, with love and this is a recipe for disaster. Good sex, fantastic sex, does not a relationship make. Getting to know one another, building a connection, having good/great/fantastic sex, and having the basics for the foundation of a relationship is what you need. Attempting to go from booty call to relationship is like closing the door after the horse has bolted. The likelihood is that if you did get to know the person, the sex could quite easily take a nosedive, after all if you both had such great personalities, how did you end up leapfrogging the formalities and saying screw getting to know each other, let’s just screw?
If of course you’ve been foolish enough to have a relationship and then become a booty call, and are now hoping that a relationship is on the cards, I suggest you go and put yourself on the naughty step and ask yourself whether you’re on crack. If the guy can shag you without having to do all of the attendant stuff that came along with having a relationship with you, what the hell is his incentive to have a relationship with you now? You can’t shag someone into liking you and the fact that he’s come creeping back for a shag shows that you’re good enough to screw, but not good enough for him to treat you right and commit to your relationship.
If you want a relationship that badly, I suggest you stop being the booty call. Nobody needs sex that badly (unless their a sex addict and that’s a different issue) and it’s far easier to put yourself in line for relationship opportunities, if you aren’t sexually invested with someone else who is potentially confusing you emotionally. Booty call’s are really the stock and trade of people who genuinely want nothing other than to tap the booty and as soon as you want more, it’s time to opt out. Cut off the supply and start engaging with men that don’t come out after dark like vampires and who have more conversation in them than ‘Your place at 11 OK with you?’.
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I find it looks good on paper you know but in reality these no strings booty things don’t seem to work. I had this little arrangement with someone and really it wasn’t the most “rock my world” sex. Almost on par with boyfriend sex.. but hey we had the chemistry thing going on. Then one day i sensed he was growing attached and low and then he was calling all the time and then all of a sudden he disappeared. Now he miss calls me all the f… time. i thought it was supposed to be casual and i thought that was what he Wanted. i wanted to have regular dates and be normal. and considering we have an age difference of and he is an Indian/Hindu man enough said there about cultural differences it might could possibly work but it didn’t. It doesn’t. i am happy to tell people don’t bother. it can turn into a big mess that you will never resolve because of the lack of regular communication and the male holding back which now i see was an act with my friend DID want something more with me but blew by iniating the no strings thing. I say stay away and find someone decent to date. get your sex there what a mess 🙂
How different is a booty call than CSBF (casual sex between friends)? If you take the call, you must know the caller enough to let them into your house, or to go to theirs. If you place the call, you found the number somewhere.
All the baggage, risks, and exposures of CSBF are abundantly present with a booty call. You are exposed to everything contagious any other recent partners were exposed to, you share a domicile for a short period with someone that you hopefully know enough not to have security concerns. There are the chances of rape, date rape, abuse, and hurt feelings.
I like the way Karen Carpenter put it, “Freedom only helps you say goodbye.”
As for a relationship, recall this is a partner interested in sex with people not central to their life. That won’t change. Of course, if you *answer* that call, so are you. Not a choice for long term happiness for anyone. People do change, but no one has control over what one changes *to*.
I have never looked at this from that point of view, thanks for that.
It all depends on the length of a booty call.
I have a guyfriend who had a booty call for years and now he and that girl are together.
It all depends on the length of a booty call.
I have a guyfriend who had a booty call for years and now he and that girl are together. If you are meeting someone just for sex and it has been more than six months, you had to have conversation outside of sex somewhere in this time.
I have been in a ‘friends w/ benefits’ relationship for 7 years. For a while I was able to put my feelings on the backburner. I can’t say that we even had much of a friendship. Recently things have changed; we were beginning to share conversations, joke around, open up to each other. I had feelings for this guy. But about a week ago he shut himself off again. It’s so hard and I wouldn’t recommend this to my worst enemy.
One other thing … we are co-workers. How’s that for a recipe for failure?
linda…omgoodness. i feel your pain. i’ve been hooking up with a “friend” of mine for 4 years now and i realize now that i really have developed feelings for him. what’s worse is he has a girlfriend. i find myself justifying what we’re doing though i know it’s wrong. i want to be more than a hookup but i realize if he’s treating his current girlfriend this way how could there be hope for me? we have opened up and connected to each other in the past and maybe that’s what i yearn for now. i miss it. i am more attracted to him than i have been to any other man in a long time. even when i was in other relationships i thought about him. what should i do?!?!
Tina,
The answer sounds simple – make a new life for yourself, without him in it. He hasn’t done anything wrong, and neither have you – you just realize you want something different. Thank him for the memories, ask him to be gracious and allow the relationship to end. The abrupt ending, with grace, will help with your healing.
Because now that you realize you need something more, you have begun to change. Your values, your perceptions of people, even the things you want in your home have begun to change. If you keep in touch with this guy, you will have trouble letting go. You have things in your life that you need to let go, so that you can replace them once you identify what your new self needs, and then find that new furniture – or relationship, or book, or ..
You already know that being ‘the other woman’ isn’t healthy – or you wouldn’t be worrying about what it means that he still hooks up with you when he has a girlfriend. By dropping him now, you can get yourself out of the habit of thinking ‘playing around’ is OK in your life. You certainly don’t want another guy in your life to see you entangled with others and decide messing around is OK for him, too.
The fact that your attraction to this guy is growing is a good thing. Once you get to the other side of your parting, through your grief and healing, this means it is more likely you will find a guy that you can connect with – that will be interested in settling down.
“What should i do?” – but you already know, and
yes, it is tough and painful to let go.
Blessed be!
I met a guy a couple of months ago, and we went on some dates, and he seemed really into me etc. And i slept with him, quite soon, I’ll admit, and still nothing changed … he was still really into me and I really saw it going somewhere, we got on well, talked loads.
But abruptly he suddenly just dropped off the face of the earth and stopped initiating contact with me, (he’d reply to my contact though in much the same manner as we’d chatted before) and eventually said he didn’t want to fall for anyone, especially someone at university. So i suggested we still see each other, but we just not get too intense. So we were seeing eachother once every couple of weeks, as he said he was very busy training for a fight (he is a boxer) so i assumed I’d see him a bit more after his fight… So his fight comes and goes, and nothing changes. And then he actually refers to it as a booty call (in a joking way, but still). So I don’t understand what turned a potentially great relationship into this. And more to the point, I don’t know whether I should see him again – the sex is great and I don’t want to not have that, but I’m just so confused about it ….
I don’t know what it was that suddenly changed, I can pinpoint the exact moment in time that it all went funny.
Sarah, in your mind nothing changed as it appeared on the face of things that a relationship was progressing but from the moment that he disappeared, the moment that you said for it not to get too intense, and from the moment that he referred to it as a booty call, he has let you know in no uncertain terms what you are – a booty call.
If you want to have the steak, you don’t agree to the fatty mince and hope it will turn into a steak. You need to decide what you want because a relationship has more to it than sex. If you want just sex, keep doing what you’re doing. If you want more, you need to recognise that more may not be on offer.
I’ve actually just started this friends with benefits thing with a guy I dated a couple of times recently. It very quickly came down to sex and that we’re at different periods of our lives. I think that eventually a relationship will come out of it, I mean who is to say that the emotional connection is supposed to come first, maybe the physical is. I make sure we have about 5 – 10 minutes of conversation during all of this, so I don’t feel so cheap, and I figure I’m a great enough person that I can make anyone fall in love with me. Before you say I’m setting myself up to be hurt, I’m not. There’s so much history in the short time we’ve known eachother and I think this is what we both need to do for now. I think it will last a while, but if it doesn’t then hey that’s okay.
But question, we frequently text eachother dirty texts, is that blurring the boundaries by the constant communication?
NO. I wish.. but NO.
I dated a guy for 4 months, i ended things as he kept saying he didnt want a girlfriend. We get on great etc and after 6 years have been seeing each other or “booty calling” as you put it.
He says the right things, i’m the one he calls for the deep and meaningful conversations, and I loved him for a very long time. I always believed that he had feeling for me, infact on several occasions he told me he did and he loved me and that we were destined to be together. He moved away with work (alothough i still see him) and told me that he didnt want to get inot anything he couldnt commit too. I foolishly still believed for a long time her loved me, he was just deluding himself. I realise now that i’m the one thats deluded but i just cant seem to let him go, theres a small part of me that still believes he loves me but with certain obstacles wont face up to the fact. I know i deserve more, i want more but its only now i’m getting angry about it. He tells me i’m the one who knows hum best, and that theres an unrivalled bond there. I just know how much its going to hurt if i let himgo, so i’m conflicted. I have no idea what to do anymore. Theres alot more to this story, alot more. But you get the idea. I need help people, some advice please
I met a boy whilst I was dating an older guy. It was obvious from the start that it was goin to be just sex from the start. the mistake I made was ALWAYS being available anytime he called me. It could be 11pm or 5am so he saw that I was always “up for it with him”. He eventually stopped calling me when he found that he had an STD and told me that he “thinks” that it was me that gave it to him. Wasnt that funny telling my boyfriend that at the time! I couldnt stop thinking about him as I made one of the cardinal sins of the booty call contract – I started to develop very strong feelings from him. one year and a half later I bumped into him and slept with him again. the next time he called me (at 10pm) I went to go see him and thought that we might not have sex and could just talk! that scared him right off. i dont think its possible to become a girlfriend because in the mans eyes- u cant turn a hoe into a housewife!!