three's a crowdSo you’ve found yourself caught in a triangle. Just so you don’t get too comfortable, remember these things!

1. Every woman who is The Other Woman thinks that they’re situation is unique. It’s unique because you’re in it, but when you strip away the reasoning, the excuses, every ‘situation’ has the same core elements.

2. Ever man that cheats thinks that his situation is unique. It’s not but it makes him sleep easier at night.

3. The longer that he’s comfortable with the situation, the longer that the relationship continues, is a sign of a man who is very comfortable with the situation and not looking to change anything very soon. If it was really weighing down on his conscience, it couldn’t last past a few months or a year.

4. These men are selfish. The Other Woman sees wonderful qualities in him because she needs to, but only a selfish man could continue to do this.

5. These men are very good at rationalising their actions. They are very good at placing themselves on a pedestal and not seeing themselves in the negative light that they should. They suffer from an intensified version of Disproportionate Sense of Male Self.

6. The sex is good because the situation is so wrong on many levels – Great dysfunctional sex. When you’re the other woman there is a lot of emotion swimming around which ‘heightens’ the apparent attraction. The reassurance of his feelings, that he will leave one day, that you are the most important, that it’s just a matter of time, that he’s not sleeping with her etc, etc all just play havoc with your emotions and with your libido.

7. Whatever he says, you are playing second fiddle. The only role you should be playing lead character, centre stage, no understudy.

8. It’s easy for him to think that you do all of the things that the main woman doesn’t but that’s because you aren’t living a normal life together. You guys have time to talk, time for lots of sex, time for dress up and kinky play, time for stolen moments because you aren’t cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty underpants and suckling one of his kids on your breast.

9. If he actually left his wife/girlfriend, would you actually trust him?

10. Are you really that happy? Dig deep and think about how you feel on a day to day basis. Are you worrying, fretting, depressed, mood swinging, uncertain, miserable, confused, desperate, too dependent? Has your life really been that enhanced? Do you really believe he’ll leave? Do you believe everything he’s told you? Is this how you saw yourself?

Other relevant articles: How to cope with being the other woman, Being the other woman revisited
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim

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64 Responses to Challenging Your Role of Being The Other Woman

  1. and the hits just keep coming… « Plenty Of Strange says:

    [...] Challenging Your Role of Being The Other Woman [...]

  2. Brad K. says:

    NML,

    I wonder if the ‘other’ woman might be overlooking the Three Coins approach. Ask yourself this: Can you visualize yourself crawling into bed with him and her, while they are cuddling?

    If so, consider double-teaming the guy. Get to gether with the other lady and explore the possibilities of a three-adult household. Some people are making such arrangements work. Some find added security, a friend and additional companion in the ‘sister wife’, running errands and caring for the family can get simpler to manage. Note: The crux of the matter is whether the arrangement benefits the two ladies. Don’t give him a vote.

    If you cannot accept crawling into bed with him while she is also between the sheets — what is so different when she isn’t there? How can you *possibly* justify the time wasted from finding a responsible mate?

    At least, that is my thought… ;-)

    Brad K.

  3. sagi says:

    Hi all,

    I am in the triangle situation at the momen. I’m seeing a man for 4 months who has a cohabitant. They don’t have children, and apparently never will have one. It started very easily without commitments but I fell in love. And now I feel devastated as I want to be sure where I am going. He says he loves and we’ll be together but this assusrance is not enough for me as he keeps behaving in ordinary way with his cohab. What should I do? Please tell me. But please don’t start with advice” leave him’. As I still hope and would like to have this relationship work out. thanks again.

  4. Niels says:

    Is being the other woman always wrong? What if expectations are low and discretion maintained? What if having this need satisfied on the side allows the man to maintain his original relationship? I think there’s a lot of grey areas here, and I don’t know all the answers, either.

  5. Brad K. says:

    Niels, I am barging in here, but the problem with the ‘other woman’ picture, or getting your needs satisfied on the side, is that you divert attention, energy, and time away from the partner you are supposedly committed to. You are also violating any vows or promises of commitment, which both injures your character, and makes you appear deceitful. You also force the ladies involved to compromise regarding having an honest and sincere lover in their lives, to live deluded that the guy will leave the other woman (and never leave again), or to live in dread that the other woman will claim the rest of his attention. Pretty unfair or damaging to all involved. In my opinion.

  6. Me'Shell says:

    Hi,
    A year ago i was the other woman.And yes it is hard being the other woman,but i guess time and faith was on our side .Although he left but for the first year he did bounce back and fourth between the both of us.It was hard for me,to get pass that.But i had to love me enough to say its either me or her.And he choose me and for the last year.We have been in natrual bliss.Planning our wedding and also buying our first home.So i guess i can say we are truely blessed. So if you think he or she is worth it wait it out.But also know when to say when.

  7. Sharon says:

    Hello. I run an emagazine for women. And would like to feature this article on my site. We will provide 3 links back to your site on the post itself, the appropriate category and guest contributors (on the front page). We get an average of 200 – 600 pageviews a day. Please send me a quick email if you are interested! Thanks!

  8. Rhonda says:

    I have been the other woman for nearly 4 years, I am content and satisfied in this role. Both my partner and I have found that we fill each others voids in life. I maintain a busy life and career and find I have not the time nor energy to be a full time wife and mother. I think that we fill each others fantasies and needs. I know at the end of the weekend that he will return to the house for the soccer games and play the good husband role. But I also know of the committment we have. I truly think it is possible to love more than one person. I think that there are many needs that a person has, and its not easy to find just one person to fill those.

  9. Robert says:

    This is a good analysis of the whole “other woman” dynamic.

    I do think that many people find themselves in these clearly dysfunctional relationships because they’re so intense. Also, the possibility of being discovered adds an element of titillation.

  10. erer says:

    i was the other woman

  11. r says:

    i was the other woman. he was with her for 16 years, not married but good as, we got together, then never saw each other, i tried to pass it off as casual, i was broken hearted when i first got together, i had known him for three years or so. well i was convinced he would never split, he was honestfrom the start, hed never leave his kids, he had had so many affairs. it continued for a few weeks, he said he was leavin. he went back after one day, ne of the kids was sick, i broke my heart. he said he belonged with his kids. that was december. he said he had cried. we met a couple of days b4 xmas, he told me, i dont want to lose you, i said little, i stayed quiet i guess. i think he took that as a sign that i would be off, he had had affairs before but he said this was love, the second time he fell in love in his life. he said he didnt want to lose me, then go off with someone else, have an affair like so mmany others. we talked about this a lot, there was much tension, he could see i was never in it for an affair, he mentioned getting close to others who eventually went off with other people cos they knew he would not leave his family. we made time together, january we went away, then we had problems in february, i got pregnant but then terminated against my own will, march we healed ourselves, april we could not keep away, he asked me to give him time, he said he wanted to talk with her, i was buying books looking at the internet at sites like these about the other woman, married men, and he said what are you reading those toilet walls for? in a sense i feel he was right there. you need to make up your mind where you are and go for it. in may he said he wanted out and for me to bear with him, he went on a family holiday i had told him that was the invisible fine line for me, that was the one stepping over of the line i could not tolerate. he went. i kept myself busy. he came back. they were due to go on a nother family holiday but by beginning june they split. we have been together 7 months. we have had our ups and downs and i guess in 2007 our living arrangements will be more settled with the kids. i get scared of the settled down part. i get scared he might betray my trust but i try to have faith that those affairs were because he simply was not in love. i dont feel proud of this, of how it happened. i wanted to be happy. he sparked with me from the start, even as friends. sometimes i think my punishment is he will go off with someone else. im always tense inside at parties that i might be part of the stable part of his life, that i might be in some compartment, i pray that doesn’t happen. i do believe he is the love of my life. i cant bear to lose him. we have a life, its scary cos it seems so fast how things happened. i believe he wasnt with the person he loved, i believe he was starved off affection and went looking for it in affairs and flings. i want us to work. im just sorry for how it happened and i guess i pay a price of sorts.

  12. kellyGreen12345 says:

    Yeah. I’ve been the other woman too. It totally sucks. And, yes, by his own admission, he couldn’t guarentee he’d never cheat again on this wife of his.

    The wife is very much of a pushover and probably loves him so very much it wouldn’t matter what he did. He’s so very great and all.

  13. Ali says:

    Thank you for all the comments and articles about being with a married man. My MM was a childhood sweetheart that I met again almost 3 years ago after almost 22 years. I had a child to him when I was 21, he knew I was pregnant but left me without a word. I never heard from him again, I had my daughter and got on with my life. I got married had two more children. However, when I finally wanted to get back into the human race, my husband decided he wanted a stay-at-home wife, we divorced. I met a great man a year later who worked for the same local authority as me and eventually he moved in with us. My older teenagers got on ok with him and we made plans to marry after 5 years together. That is when my MM came back into my life via a reunited website. We ended up having an affair. To my shame, before and after I married again. He said he has always loved me. His lifestyle is fabulous, very rich successful accountant wife, two kids, mansion in Kent, own business. I had great times whilst together but fretted when we were apart. He took me to some wonderful places, but liked to show off about his lifestyle not thinking about how he left me pregnant at 20 and having to live on benefits for a while. He met our daughter and has a reasonable relationship with her. However, he has been in contact with her for over two years, but still not told his wife that she exists. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I knew that it was all talk, all this “being my soul mate” and how he always loved me. I have read your articles so many times and finally come to the decision to end it. I can’t live like this, I love my husband and would lose everything if I were found out. I certainly wouldn’t have my MM as he would dump me so fast my head would spin. So can I say a big thank you to your site and the people who have posted on this thread. I hurt so much, but I have done the right thing.

  14. Lovely Lady says:

    I am the other woman now. For me its conveient. I see him everyday and all weekend long but he goes home at night to his wife and kids. I have so much to do at night anyway that I don’t even think about him being gone. He said he is only there for his kids I do believe him because he does make it very well known to his wife that he is with me. I have even heard her say that she is afraid to leave because she doesn’t want to start over again. The love from him is gone!
    We have a great time together, and I am willing to wait a little while for him but I will not allow us to continue to be like this for long. We are very commpatiable. And even though he has cheated on his wife I am confident that I could be with him and trust him.

  15. jel tuazon says:

    i believe he loves me.. but after a year if he doesnt leave her, im gonna look for a guy who will be there for me full time.. i know its gona hurt but ilbrave it

  16. jel tuazon says:

    life has been tough for me lately, always wanting him by my side.. always craving for his attention.. i guess it is gradually killing me, i hope somebody will take me away from this situation because i dont think he has plans of leaving her..

  17. Other Woman says:

    I am the other woman. He isn’t married. He is engaged. He has been with his finace’ for eight years. He just recently for the first time told her he loved her…Well he told her back in September so right before he met me. He has told me a million times that the only reason he is marring her is because they have a child together. There girl is 5. He has told me and several people he feel trapped in his relationship with her. Why would he stay with her then? Well he stayed in Pa while she moved to Ohio for school. His job was here and until he could find a job he wasn’t moving back. I work with him…or well did..He just moved back with her on the 24th of this month. It sucks! we had lived together from January 2nd till March 24th. He says he wants to be with me, I know he loves me and I love him, but he says he cant leave her because of his daughter..why would he sacrifice his own happiness? I hate his fiance’ I have met her several time. She is very mean to him. she belittles him and tell him he is no good, when in reality he is one of the greatest people i know. I just wish he would analize his situation a little more and realize it is not worth being unhappy for the rest of his life to marry her. So He just moved back with her as a job “fell” into his lap. It honestly just came out of nowhere. and It has been 3 days and in those 3 days I have talked to him for 30 min’s at the most. How can I go from being with him 24/7 and talking to him 24/7 to basically not talking at all. I need him I want him and I don’t know what to do

  18. Bonnie says:

    I used to say I will just stay for a year and then I’m gone, then I said two years and no more, now it has been 2 years 5 months… the just one more year does not work…it goes by so fast you get so comsummed with all that is going on that you wake up and wow! another 365 days have gone y and you are still there… things just ended for me..so I’m hurting but the more I read this website the better I feel and the more I realize how absolutely good I am and how full of BS some men are.

  19. Bonnie says:

    It’s amazing that I men with the ability to drive a car to see us once in a while and fits us on his oh! so very busy schedule deserves so much praise from…think about something ladies…if your MM or unavailable man was in your shoes woul he still be waiting for you??? I asked myself that and my answer becasue I know him is NO! and one time he even told me you have put up with so mcuh more I could ever imagine myself putting up with!!! can we pleaaaasee wake up!!!

  20. Voice Of Reason says:

    Does everyone know about the new discussion board that is open???

  21. Kim says:

    VOR : No, I don’t, where is that? I went to the ‘How to cope with being TOW’ page, but it’s no longer there! I’m lost, where have you guys gone??

  22. Kim says:

    VOR: I found it!

  23. NML says:

    Just in case anyone hasn’t seen the posts or notices around the site page, the forum’s are at this address: http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php. Please copy and paste this address into your browser. You need to register to post on it (very quick).

  24. monique says:

    i’ve been the other woman for 5 years. although he tells me he loves me and he’s goin to marry me i know in my heart this is wrong. i find that i’m alone alot because he never stays more than one night at a time. he’s very controling and always accuses me of of being with someone else. what i’m afraid of is waking up 5 more years and realize how much of my life i wasted waiting for this one man. alot of times he doesn’t answer his phone but if i call him on it he gets angry. he says he would spend more time if i stop stressing him out but it seems like it’s me who is always hurt. i met his mom and sisters but sometimes i feel ashame because they know that he’s cheatin on her with me. i can’t go to his apartment without letting him know but that’s because she might be there. he says he love us both the same he’s been with her for 9 years and they have a daughter. that’s the reason why he stays because he want to be in her life but he he leaves she won’t let him see her. he asked me to stick by him a few years til she’s older again bull but yet i’m still here is it low self esteem is it love
    i don’t know i just know we have good and bad days

  25. Tabitha says:

    I’ve been the other woman for sometime now, almost 4 1/2 years. I read about this all the time.I can’t understand how or why or what i’m doing anymore. I genuinely believe the man I’m in this relationship wants to be with me, but it’s been so long that I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s seen an attorney but hasn’t followed through with anything. He has children which makes me wonder if he’ll ever leave. Many of the articles say if you believe in the person, you stand by them, but I have stood by him and our every arguement is about an action related to his wife. His wife knows that he’s had a relationship outside of his marriage and she claims that she going to divorce him, but she never follows through either. She threatens him with his best known weaknesses because she’s afraid of being alone. She knows she isn’t in love with him but she wants to control his life and not allow him to be happy with anyone else. What does everyone have to say about this?

  26. Steph says:

    I am the other woman. I have been for 3 months now and yesterday, he decided he needed to try to work things out with his wife for his daughter. He had an appointment with the lawyer and everything and promised me the world. Which, by the way–we’ve never even “been together”. So, last night after he “broke up with me”, I went to see him at a local track where he runs nightly. I was there to get my closure. I needed it. After hugging him and saying goodbye he started crying and eventually threw up from his nerves being shot all to hell. He just can’t seem to leave her even though he doesn’t love her. She doesn’t love him, either. It’s just… convenient for them to be together. He’s a good guy, religious guy, a pillar in the community, everything. *sigh*. So, for him to get a divorce would really taint his image, but I have to ask… am I not worth that? Is our “love” not that strong? I don’t think he’ll ever be happy with her, but I’m tired of trying.

  27. John3sWife says:

    As the wife of a man who cheated, I just cannot fathom how some of you women can grovel and complain about the “heartache” and “pain” YOU’RE going through! How selfish can you women be? Just imagine the pain of the wives, girlfriends, and mothers of the children of these men! How can you ever even dare to trust the integrity of a man who chose YOU over the sacred vows of marriage and the precious well being of children? How could you? I am appaled and disgusted that you women can actually gather here and share pointless thoughts about someone elses husbands. Take it from the WIFE… the bottom line is he will probably never leave his wife and if he does he will more than likely cheat on you or leave you just the same. I suggest you women get some counseling to evaluate what self esteem issues you must have to lower yourself to sleeping with an attached man. No man is worth stooping that low.

  28. ChasingBtrflyz says:

    I normally don’t post on this blog. However, I saw this flaming post above and I could not resist. My apologies to the “other’s” in advance.

    John3sWife,

    What right do you have to come here, to OUR place of support and judge anyone????? WE are the selfish one’s? What about your hubby? What, the “whore” lead him astray, did she???? Doubtful! Face it, your husband decided that YOU were not enough for him. And if your not going to speak to that, then you have absolutely NO RIGHT to come here and downgrade anyone. You don’t know me, you don’t know the story behind how I (or any of the other ladies) got here. I bet it was due to some sweet talking, lying, cheating man, just like YOUR dear hubby! You want to rewrite history and make everything the OW’s fault and for what? Because it’s easier than admitting that you had issues in your marriage? Because it makes it easier for you to look your hubby in the face at night and lay yourself down for him? Let me guess. He swore that he’d never do it again???? LMAO! Yeah, he also swore to us that you were a nasty hag who nagged him every second of the day, refused to let him have time to himself, got yourself knocked up to trap him all those years ago, gained weight, refuses to satisfy him sexually, spends ALL his money, etc… How do you like being judged? Does it feel good?

    And the children? Yes, they are the innocent ones and WE OW take that more seriously than your dear hubby’s do. Trust me on that one. It just so happens that my MM’s children are better off without that mentally disordered, piece of shit they call mommy! It is far better to come from a “broken” home than to live in one!

    Oh, and my MM’s wife WAS/IS a world class WHORE who cheated on him FIRST and MANY times. And this she told me HERSELF. HE DID leave HER for me! Get off your damn soapbox lady! You have no right to judge me or anyone else. Walk a mile in my shoes. You are just bitter and angry and looking for a scapegoat. Go home and unload on your hubby!

    You’re appalled and disgusted that we come here and share???? I am appalled and disgusted that you CHOSE to come here and unload your BS on us. Now, run along and spy on your hubby…. you know he’s going to do it again. Probably already is, lmao!

    Chasing
    AKA…. The Homewrecking Whore! TFF!

  29. Voice says:

    John3sWife

    Your experience seems very fresh. I was exactly the same when I caught my ex husband out, the bit about re writing history is so right, At the time I thought I was completely blameless and it was all the OW’s fault for leading him astray and he was in no way capable of doing anything like that. It’s all BS,there are issues in your marriage that you might not be ready to face right now but you need to know that the conditions have to be right in a lot of these cases to make an affair happen. You all know what they are OW’s so I won’t bore you, but to get any perspective on a situation like this you have to take a good long look at everyone involved in an affair including yourself as the wife who may not have been fulfilling a role that your husband believed you should of been.

    You will get through it, right now you just need someone to blame and us as OW’s are the easiest target.

    Been there got the t shirt and then some.

    Take Care

  30. kellyGreen12345 says:

    well, after my post of Dec 30, it’s now been forever it seems since i last posted. anyways, it still sucks being the other woman. it really hurts. he is something else. he sets me up for disappointment time and again. he runs hot and cold from hour to hour. but, like everyone else, i guess i have no other options but to hang on.

  31. Desperate Lover says:

    I’ve been the other woman for about 7 years this Labor Day. I am also married for 2 decades. I feel cheated, empty, unsatisfied in my marriage. I’ve strayed in hopes to fulfill what I don’t get at home to no avail. I’ve tried to break it off with my significant other several time but can’t. Everytime we get together it’s a rush. I can’t continue this affair, but can’t find a way to end it either. From day one, he told me he loved his wife and will not leave her. I don’t want him to leave her. All I want is quality time that I don’t get at home. I think waiting this long for quality time is long enough. He (the other) always plans to do things but never comes thru. Every time I break it off, when he calls me I fall back into the trap. Can someone please help me find a way to break it off for good.

  32. humminbird says:

    i have been the other woman for 6 months now, and im sick of all the empty promises, see my guy isnt married dosent live with her or have kids….if he really loved me hed be with me. i feel like a convinience store, im always available for his emotional support and to pep him up. but what do get out of it? yeah i say hes the one, and on a good day he would be, but now i feel if we were together i would not trust him. im tired of crying and getting dressed up waiting for him to come over, only to be told he cant make it or hes tired. see i work with him too which makes it even harder. he confronts me at work and always wants to disscuss things, i think he is selfish and i am becoming more and more bitter. id rather he didnt lead me on, i used to think he cared no its just become one sided and i always speak to him at certain times and see him at certain times. he has promised three times and given deadlines but nothin. the only way out i see is for me to just cut him off. im done feeling like i dont matter, i have no more tears left to cry

  33. Lauren says:

    I have been the “other woman” for about 9 months, and only recently found out. I now have great reason to believe he is engaged and living with his fiance who he has been with for about 4 years. I am 12 years younger than him and am so attached. He says he is trying to end things with her and feels bad he’s been lying to me, but can someone really feel bad about something and do it over and over for 9 months? He says he cares about me a great deal and is miserable with his life right now and I believe him which makes it so hard..I want to believe he will leave her, but do you think he will? After hiding it for so long ?

  34. Panther says:

    I am the OW. I love and am in love with my MM. I remain optimistic with my situation. He is doing everything he said that he would regarding his marriage. He was getting seperated when we met. We enjoyed each others company and never meant to get involved. It happened…I fell for him. I didn’t let him know for a while that I was feeling him. I enjoyed the company and the many things that we did with each other. The physical came in the picture and took the feelings and emotion to another level. I eventually let him know that I was feeling him and we never looked back.

    I was never made to feel like the other woman. I don’t get lonely on the holidays because I get the holidays. I get the birthdays..his and mine. I get the trips. He takes care of me in many ways… I never ask. I am gainfully employed and make a good living, however he does the things that a man unattached would do for his lady. I see that someone mentioned taking out the trash. Well my MM would. He will clean the kitchen after dinner. We will watch the game together, etc. I met the family. I adore his son and he adores me. I can say that I am content with the relationship because we communicate. He does not talk to me about his marriage. He keeps that business where it needs to be; to himself. I ask about what pertains to me. I know the steps and have the status of the divorce.

    I am content because he gives me what I need when I need it…in every way. He is my friend, my lover, my confidant, my air. He fills me up even when he is away. The demands of my job, extended family and the time I need for me would not make for a balanced relationship with someone who may be looking for ‘committment’ in every since of the word or walk down the aisle. If my MM were not married, I still would not be in working on that ‘walk down the aisle’ relationship. We have come to the conclusion that we would have the same type of strong relationship. I believe that is what makes it work for us. We are secure wtihin our relationship and we feed off of each others energy without all that pressure of ‘will you marry me now’ or ‘when you are out, step right into it with me’. NOT.

    I understand that he is not leaving her for me. He was leaving before me. He has filed the papers, now we are liquidating the assets. He has included me in his ‘new beginning’. I have my own house and have no plans on moving in his place anytime soon. Again, we are crazy in love and taking it one day at a time. We are approaching this as if we were dating and he were not attached.

    I know that I bring that 80 to the table versus the 20 that is said that the OW brings. He knows it to, so maybe that is why he feels that it is necessary to be a man of his word. He is the man that I will be with through the thick and thin. He is my love. He is my man! I hope that this story can give some hope to those in a similar situation. I made it through and I am loving it.

  35. New Roads says:

    I am the OW on and off for 12 YEARS. When we met he was getting a divorce, and I was depressed from being left for the OW in my man’s life. Let’s just say that my self-esteem was null. (I didn’t think I was worthy of a man’s love and didn’t know my self worth). Looking back, I should have waited until it was final. I actually told him that he and the wife should get counseling, and they did. They are still married today (22 years now) and we are still “good friends”. There has been no sex involved for the past 6 YEARS, but there is still QUITE an emotional connection.We used to communicate often, and he traveled to see me at least 6 times a year (job transferred me out of the town 8 years ago). Whenever I went back to the town (to see parents and siblings) I would go by his job to see him. We would talk, have lunch, etc. but still an emotional connection. I was involved in a committed relationship of 4 Years (just ended in July ’07) and have since moved on. As the years have progressed I have slowly become stronger and KNOW MY WORTH! I have ended all communication with him. He was upset at first, but has agreed (so far). Ladies, KNOW YOUR WORTH!! We ALL deserve better! feels as if I have lost a huge part of me, but I have also GAINED self worth and respect! For those of you who are still in the relationships, I am not judging because I have walked in your shoes (have lived the pain and I am still getting over it). I just hope it doesn’t take you all as long as it has taken me to become wise. It Best of luck to you all.

  36. monique says:

    there’s not always a happy ending my mm finally left his w after 12 years and eventhough we are still seeing each other he refuse to tell me where he has moved to. he says he loves me and he just need time to get his self together . i know ladies it sounds like alot of bs but i’m still here with him. he even talks about us getting married oneday but how can we when i don’t even know his address

  37. NML says:

    Monique, I don’t often comment on the TOW threads (there are a few!) as they have a life of their own and a hell of a lot of comments but when I saw yours, I felt I had to say something. I am amazed at your mans brass balls of BS! What difference would it make you knowing where he lives? I would be very careful of this guy because talking about marriage but living at a secret location really don’t go together. The trouble with MM’s is that they just don’t stop spinning you lines and they’re so far removed from the truth of their actions that they don’t recognise their sh*tty behaviour. You know you are worth waaaaay more than this.

  38. monique says:

    i truly appreciate your reply because i’ve been having alot of trouble with this. it bothers me awhole lot because how can we start something if i don’t know where he stays. did a mention we been seeing each other for over 4 years. he say i would see it soon but i just don’t buy that

  39. Portia says:

    I should start by saying that I’m new to all of this. Up until three months ago, I never would have thought of beginning an affair with someone! But then I became friends with this boy. We immediately had this insane
    connection, something I’ve never felt before and I could tell he felt it, too.

    He told me right off the bat that he really liked me but that he still lives with his girlfriend whom he doesn’t like at all and whom he is breaking up with once he saves up enough money to move out. So he didn’t want to do anything to hurt anyone. He wanted to wait until he was out of that house and hoped that I would be still be available.

    Well after a week or two of hanging out consistently and always having an amazing time together, we eventually kissed. It seemed inevitable. The night that that happened, he was very upset and left immediately after. I felt bad for letting myself kiss a taken boy.

    The next day we talked about the kiss and he said, though ethically it wasn’t right, he had never felt more happy than when he was with me and he was glad that we kissed.

    So the thing continues. Our feelings grow stronger. By this point, I’ve actually met his girlfriend several times when he brings her to the bar. People know. They have to know. It’s so obvious. He brings his girlfriend and she sits at the bar, being unsocial while the boy spends all his time with me, biting his lip and winking and ugh…

    As this has been going on, our feelings have grown stronger. We’ve begun to have sex. We go on dates in public. We hold hands while walking down the street. I hang out with him and his friends (without the girlfriend). He hangs out with me and my friends. But yet he still has a girlfriend at home.

    The only thing that bothers me is that we’ve set deadlines for him numerous times. But he never seems to make them. He is looking hard for a job so that he can afford to move out. He doesn’t want to break up with her until that happens as to avoid an awkward living situation. I try not to push him but instead keep him aware of the fact that lots of guys like me and I could have any of them. I am hoping this tactic rushes things along.
    I think it might because I can sense his jealousy and fear of losing me.

    So the reason I’m posting on here is because I had yet to read a single post that was like my situation. I’m 24 years old. I was never one to chase guys. I usually stay away from relationship s like the plague. Until I met this guy that is my equivalent, myself in male form… it just happened too soon but I think for once in my life I’m willing to make an exception and wait a bit for him because I believe that he’s being honest with me.
    As long as it happens soon. My patience isn’t what it used to be… haha

    Thanks so much for all your posts! For all your insight and experiences! Be strong! Be assertive and realize if he doesn’t take action then he just doesn’t deserve you!

  40. sophie says:

    im 16 and already the other woman. hes been with her for 2 years, and i feel like shite sometimes what im doing, but when its happeneing, i dont seem to mind. im seriously stuck

  41. sophie says:

    im 16 and already the other woman. hes been with her for 2 years, and i feel like ahorrible person sometimes what im doing, but when its happeneing, i dont seem to mind. im seriously stuck

  42. mary says:

    to john wife,i read your comment.i was married for 25years ,my husband died,,,,i went out this mm came to me ,i said no ,he keep trying ,,,i saw he was out all night and day ,,so i fall for him ,,,,i keep saying to him his family came frist ,respect your wife ,this is not right ,,he said he dont love her ,but its his duty to saty ,,,i left him many times ,he keep cameing ,if i go some where with friends ,he one put beer on my head ,, he said if i live him ,no one will have me ,cose i belong to him ,so dont blame the ow.i tryed ,really i did ,i have no life knowing he be around where ever i go ,,,i love him ,but i can do with out this sh,,,,,t.i dont want my family to know about this ,so i keep suffering inside i feel i am better of in jail.and i faced her 3 times ,not to make problem between them ,to make him live me alone and get a life ,i know i can get a life with out him …if i tell you what this mm done to me you cry ,,,,so pls dont blame tow.it not always our foult .we are human ,ok…and every time i dace her she dont say a word ,she never ones said live my hubby,,i was confuesd ,,but now i dont care any more ,he can stay with his wife ,i never asked him to live her ,i always tell him respect your wife ,,,,i can gone on and on ,,,,theser mm lie to wife and TOW, i am angry .wife think it the OTW foult ,,,,what aboyt the husband ,,if they are happy they dont go look some where eales .,i better stop ,,,,so john wife ,pls dont put TOWdawn ,,,,,okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

  43. Alone says:

    I was the OW until recently…his guilt got the best of him after a little over 2 years. Neither of us deliberately got involved in this and both of us did a lot of thinking before crossing the line…I fell in love and now I feel like I’m dying. I would rather have a part of him than none of him.

  44. Cyber OW says:

    Almost 2 years ago I met a guy online. We both were married. We went from spending time chatting for hours online, to hours on the phone. We now spend hours a day talking on the phone. We have not met yet, but are as intimate as we can be at a distance. I am not sure I feel the “phone sex” is cheating as much as the emotional attachment we have for each other. We do love each other, and for the first time in our lives can be completely honest about everything. I am now divorced, and he is going through a seperation. However, is debating on trying for his child. I know because of our distance we can have nothing more than a few meetings, but I am not sure I can stay if he stays in his marriage. Yet, I can’t imagine not having him in my life. Is this cheating, since we never touched. Should I stay in this situation if he decides to stay in his marriage. In someways I feel just like a real life OW.. yet I think I try to justify it saying it is only Cyber..

    HELP

  45. grace says:

    at this moment, i too am ‘the other woman’…and its hell! I met this guy when i was 16, we got together, and he was the sweetest guy i had ever met. Yes, i lost my virginity to him also…so this may be the reason why i am so attached. Anyway, we split up after a drunken row…and i could never forget about him. Later on, he had many girls after him…and then he began speaking to me again, i mean we’re in the same friend group and such. from there it began, flirting, then kissing and finally sex. It felt comfortable with him…ive not been with anyone else. He then got a girlfriend..and i backed off, eventually we got together again…thats when i became his dirty little secret. Now he’s on to ANOTHER girlfriend…and still i find myself in this triangle. No matter how much i try to forget, ignore him..he always comes back wanting more. I mean we do have fun. But its a dangerous situation…because ive really fell for him. I know he doesnt respect me, im a bit on the side. I realise i should get out it, theres somthing stopping me. Maybe it is the deluded thought that he will one day realise…i am the one for him. Mere stupidity on my behalf. Right now, im tore apart…im not the strong person i was before, i just want him to be mines so bad…but i know deep down he will never be. Its my own fault ive got myself in this situation…because i feel the worst ive ever felt. Plus i must have extreme bad Karma! I would say to anyone…whos thinking about getting involved in the same situation…dont do it! Your ruin yourself, it’ll feel great for that ,mere hour you see him…but what about when he’s gone back to hid girlfriend after seeing you? not so good.

  46. Siobhan says:

    Hi, I am the other woman. I met my MM 3 years ago. He told me that he was divorced and I believed it. But I should have paid attention to the signs that he was giving me. He always shows up at my house after 10 at night, he does’nt return my calls right away. I don’t have his house number. He will not let me come over. I tryed going over to his house twice and he would never let me in the door. He has never taken me out anywhere. Whenever he promises to take me somewhere, he never shows up. He just comes over we have sex and we do have great conversations for a couple of hours. I just recently found out that he is still married. I had to do some investigation work to find that out. He has a 17 yr. old and a 14 yr. old with her. He says that he is waiting until the oldest turns 18 before he really commits to me. But should I really believe that? I don’t want to just walk away from him, my emotions won’t let me do that and plus we have a 7 mth. old daughter together. So I just can’t cut him out even if I did want to. I don’t know what to do. Any advice.

  47. wolfowl says:

    I almost don’t know what to say about all this, I think many people need to grow up and face reality. None of this is new and in some parts of this great planet has been an expected and accepted way of life. I recently became the other woman at 58. This sure isn’t something governed by age. I have known my man for 19 years and this is our third tour of duty although the first when either of us has been married. I have no expectations and make no demands. I don’t want anyone in my life full time nor do I want him to leave his wife. When it’s over I’ll move on with a smile and be happy for what it was. Morality? Who am I to judge him or for that matter, myself? I have spent my life devoted to the happiness of others and for this moment in time I want to be selfish. My last husband made me feel ugly and undesirable so if this man rebuilds my destoyed self esteem so be it. No matter what the modernists say, a good outcome is never accomplished alone and happy people in happy relationships don’t have mistresses!! It is what it is and are any of us in a position to give advice? It’s a dangerous thing to say you would never do the same. If you choose to accept a MM into your life be real with yourself and him and then take the ride without blame!

  48. D says:

    Hello .Ive just logged in and have been reading the various tales. I would appreciate any views and advice, leaving aside the obvious… Perhaps I missed it, but I dont see anyone else in my situation, and I am in great distress.
    I have known M for about 35 years, and although I moved to another country as a teenager we always kept in touch, and when I returned for a vacation I would always see him and his wife who I was also friends with. I never had any feelings for him of a sexual nature but we have always had a bond, which I know was special.
    I can also say that I knew on some level that he had feelings for me, but I was not attracted to him physically, and as we do, I just basked in his admiration. Over the years, it emerged that he was in an unhappy marriage and did not love his wife. He said the first year of his marriage was good. I advised him to leave, saying that it did not help the kids(two boys), and that life was short etc, and didnt both he and her deserve a chance at happiness with others etc etc. I was certainly not thinking about myself in relation to him. He has an overdeveloped sense of duty and responsibility which I see can also be an excuse. He told me in these discussions that he would not leave her for the above-mentioned reasons. (kids, and his sense of responsibility to her).
    Five years ago I returned. After two years his wife stopped calling me and responding to my calls and our friendship effectively ended.
    As a result I saw M more often alone. Three months ago he asked me to a charity ball, as his wife, for whatever reason, decided to go to their villa in ______ for a week with her friends. We had a great time, and as we were driving away I told him to pull over and we kissed. I had been drinking but was cogniscent.(He does not drink). Over the past two years my feelings had taken a new direction regarding him but I buried them, and dismissed them as just me needing male attention.
    Long story short, he confessed that he had had feelings for me since we were 14. I was taken aback at his quick capitulation and willingness to be intimate with me, as he is what is known as a good man.It wrecked my head and naturally freaked me out a bit. Nothing happened that night as we discussed in great detail the fact that our friendship was of paramount importance and that we would both be bereft, if, by entering into this our friendship suffered.This was my decision.
    A month passed with frequent meetings. I found myself drawn more and more to him as our conversations became more intimate, It has always been easy with him and we have always been comfortable with each other.
    I decided to take the next step and since then we have been together quite often.
    He is a successful business man and has taken lots of time out from his work to be with me. He even missed his son’s soccer final(first time apparently).

    We just spent two days in ________ where we laughed a lot. There was also the inevitable meltdown as I realized the depth of my feelings for him, and that I deserve better, and that this is a dead end etc etc..
    Long story short. He says he wont leave her unless she wants to(which is unlikely since although she knows he doesnt love her she is not the type to leave). I know this is a cop-out ultimately driven by fear. He is a most articulate man and is very good at expressing himself(due to his years of dealing with his addiction issues). He said that fear is what has kept him from approaching me. He understands my position and again, a cop-out, has left the decision to me… Who knows if I continue this relationship that he may yet decide that his happiness is worth pursuing, and that the fall out would be worth it to him, but I am not naive enough to believe that he would leave her, and his wide social circle as long as I am available without demands. Why should he? He can have his cake and eat it too.
    I cannot bear the thought of living this cliche. What it may ultimately do to my self-esteem, even though I do know he loves me, and possibly always has.
    Any thoughts would be truly appreciated to help me face the decision which I know I must make. I delude myself that this situation is unique, knowing perfectly well that it is just a variation on a theme. I never expected this, or that I would feel this way about him. The really sad thing is that Im not sure I could see him as a friend if/when I end this.
    Thanks for reading.

  49. R_ says:

    Hi Guys,
    Ive sat here and gone through the motions over the course of the last year and a half. Why? because I have been the “other woman” on and off for the duration.
    We all have our views on how “disgraceful” it is. Damn right it is…and if someone had told me a few years back that I would have fallen in love with a man who has been with his gf for the last 10 years …i would’ve merely laughed in their faces.
    However its not so simple. Being the ther woman carries 1) a weight of guilt (for many), 2) it carries the hope of having hope in that she will be be with him without the lies and deceit, 3) it also carries the lonliness in all things emotional.

    Over the last year or so I have sat and cried and consoled myself in so many ways unimagineable…i have tried to see whether there is even the slightest chance that he would ever leave her. The answer had been staring me in the face for so long…and i was blind to it. Whether he does or doesnt leave her is no concern of mine.
    Firstly I doubt “trust” could ever be measured within our relationship and secondly I wont be “second-fiddle”. If he wants to be with me…he must prove himself.
    I act all hard right? well honsety speaking I have ditched him more times than not…each time we say goodbye…wishing both the best …but i will receive either a text or a phone call out of the blue. When I refuse to meet him…with his persuasive nature i buckle.

    Who do i blame in this situation? myself. Ive fought the battle of guilt towards her for so long that there is no guilt left. I blame myself for the simple reason that…i am the mug. I should never have gone into this relationship.
    On the plus side ladies and gents…i’ll tell u one thing…each time u walk away you leave something behind you…debris u could well do without.

    To all ladies in this dilemna…give yourself a break and stand straight. Dont allow yourself to be used unless U benefit from the situation and you dont mind. One more thing…every woman knows if her man is playng away…dont beat yourself up about it…but do the right thing and ditch him…

  50. fruitfull1 says:

    Hello all!

    I am not here to bash anyone as I am open minded and it is not my job to judge. I am just curious and would like to vent and maybe even ask some questions.

    Well, I am 25 yrs old and I am in a serious relationship with a man that is 32. We have been together 4 years. In these 4 yrs we have been together he has cheated on me twice that I know of for sure. Possibly more. I believe he is still in contact and possibly even seeing the other woman who happens to be an ex girlfriend that he was in a relationship with for 2 years and then off and on with her until he met me in 04. I didn’t know about her until a year into our relationship, however she knew about me the whole time and still continued to pursue him anyways. I asked about his past relationships and he did tell me things about her but continued to say he would never date her again because she has a mental illness he can’t deal with. I know it is not totally her fault. I don’t blame her at all for HIS actions. He left me the first time to go cheat with her 2 days after I had a misscarriage with our first baby. He stayed with her for 5 days (mind you this was on mothers day weekend that he was with her) and turned his cell phones off so I could not reach him. Then he came home to me. At the time when he left I did not know he was going to see her. He told me he was going to NYC to go to a Knicks game and hang with the fellas. I trusted him. I was angry he wanted to hang with his friends at such a devastating time but none the less I trusted him. I only found out about where he really was and who he was really with a month after the fact. He left his cell phones at home and I was near them. They were ringing off the hook and texts were coming thru like 95 going north! It was her! She was cussing him out “I know your with her! God don’t like ugly! Thats it? U get what u want and u cut me off? I know your with her! ANSWER THE PHONE”!!!! So I answer the phone her and I get into it and she’s in her 30′s and she acted like a 15yr old. I ended up telling her I was not mad at her and that it was him I was mad at because he tried to play me and her against eachother. Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me. ANYHOW…she and I compared notes and she said she was done with him because I stayed on the phone with her until he came home so she could hear him in the back ground and KNOW that he has no intentions on leaving me and that we were still together….she says he told her we had broken up. So I let her hear how he and I interact and he’s tellin me he loves me and callin me baby….she hears all that while on the phone with me. So she’s like I am so done with him…I’m gonna pretend he is dead….I’m not messin with him anymore….blah blah blah. YEAH RIGHT! Well I left him and moved out with a girlfriend of mine. He came chasing after me….calling non stop, coming by my place (how the hell did he know where I lived?), calling my mom begging her to talk to me, leaving notes and letters on my door, telling his parents to call me….etc. So finally after a month of NON STOP chasing me….I finally let him talk to me. We ended up getting back together and I had forgivin him with every morsel in my body….it took alot for me to fogive and give him another chance. SO with that being said I eventually find that he is still in communication with her….emails, phone calls, text messeges…etc. I let it go. I didn’t even get upset. I knew they had a past and he wasn’t gonna change over night…that is unrealistic. So I just let him know that I wasn’t havin it…it was either her or me then finally he cut her off…SHE began stalking me….emails, playing on my phone cell and work, having her friends call me….etc. She is a very pretty woman I don’t know why she would do these things to me when I was not the one in the wrong. ANYWAY…..Another year goes by….she stopped harrassing me, but come to find out that the reason was because he was communicating with her again….she sent me warning emails letting me know they were gonna see eachother and there was nothing I could do about it because she was gonna see him anyway. I didn’t believe her because he was ALWAYS with me except when he was at work but even then I was talking to him just about all day. He would call me and I would call him so I thought she was lying to make me mad because he wouldn’t leave me and she was bitter…..so I thought. ANYWAY….5 months later after me and him finally got pregnant and had a baby girl…..she sent him a picture of him in a hotel room with only his underwear on smoking a cigarette dated Aug 2007. I had the baby in Oct. He slept with her while I was at home pregnant with his FIRST and only baby. I was devastated to the point I wanted to kick both their asses….but I didn’t. He swears he told her that was the last time and that he didn’t want her and wasn’t doing anything with her anymore. So I believed him reluctantly and here I am today….I forgive him but I am hurt inside. Everything is still so fresh in a way. What is it like being the other woman really? Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? Has a man ever left his woman for you?Do you believe in karma? Again I am not judging….I wanted to vent and I was just curious.

  51. Angel says:

    I am really sorry you are in this situation, especially with a newborn in the picture. Your boyfriend sounds like he has done some shockingly apalling things in his relationship with you and betrayed your trust many times. Some of the things you wrote about what he did made my skin crawl. You met this guy when you were young, which probably makes it that much more difficult for you to have a better perspective on what kind of guy he is.

    To answer one of you questions about being the other woman:
    “Does it matter to you (being the other woman) that the wife or girlfriend is being hurt in situations like mine? What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? Do you as the other woman ever feel guilty? ”

    In my experience, the man likes to paint a picture to the other woman that his primary relationship with his wife or GF is not so great. They will say things like “My wife doesn’t love me” “we don’t sleep together” “our relationship is almost over”, or that shes a bitch, etc , so it will make the other woman feel like she is not hurting the wife or GF, because it will seem like its the wife’s or GF’s fault that the man is seeking attention outside the relationship. So, that helps alleviate some of the guilt of being the other woman.

    But , when it comes down to it, no one is to blame for being the other woman except for the other woman. It is a foolish role for any woman to take on, and she usually winds up being made a fool of. But she gets sucked in by the “situation” the man presents to her, so ultimately it is the man who is the one at most fault with his bad intentions. Both the wife/GF and the other woman are being made a fool of by this man. He is capable of telling two sets of lies to two different people.

    You have no idea what he told this other woman about you, or has lead her to believe. You should take your focus off her, regardless of how persistant and seemingly crazy she is. He could have been telling her many lies about YOU and your relationship to keep her from letting go or giving her hope. You said yourself : “Turns out that when he was telling me about her and he said she was crazy, he was teling her things about me”

    You should focus instead on why you chose to forgive a man who so blatantly disrespected you . You should focus on his behavior. He is the father of your child, but you cannot allow yourself to be disrespected by him. He sounds like he is a horrific liar, and you only found out about his lies by accident. He did not come and confess to you he was still seeing the other woman. You do not know that he will not do this to you again in the future, with someone else, even. His actions toward you don’t sound very loving at all. He has demonstrated he is capable of major deceit and very hurtful behavior. Do you have family/friends you can talk to and confide in? Maybe a counselor? It helps to talk to someone who can be objective.

    To answer your question : “What if these things that I went through happened to you in a relationship? ”

    I can honestly say if those things that you went through happened to me in a relationship, I would not be there. If I were in a relationship with a man, and he took up with another woman like that, I would leave and never look back, regardless of whether I felt I loved him. I love myself more now.

  52. fruitfull1 says:

    I have thought about MY REASONS for forgiving him….I left out the fact that he not only confessed AFTER he got caught but he confessed to my mother…(mind you I am my mothers ONLY surviving child…she lost my 2 brothers in 96 so she is VERY protective of me) I bring that up because my mom is a NO NONSENSE kind of woman and very strong (rough around the edges…grew up in a rough neighborhood / family in Brooklyn NY and still live in the ghetto in DC) and will not hesitate to cut, shoot or kill anyone for hurting her only baby girl and last surviving child…(losing 2 children can send a mother into a crazed state of mind…..so for that reason I decided to forgive him for confessing his wrongs to my mom and then confessing to me. Honestly he could have lied and tried to hide it some more but he didn’t on that particular incident because that was the only thing he’d done wrong to me up to that point. Telling my mom was a BOLD move. Hell I didn’t even tell my mom what was going on….I was scared to death of what she might do.

    My focus is not on his ex. She doesn’t deserve that kind of time. I don’t have it. But you mentioned that the man tells the other women lies and such BUT shouldn’t women take responsibility for their part of even getting involved with an unavailable man in the first place (for THOSE THAT KNOW the man is unavailable and still pursue him)? I mean why even go there? (please don’t take me the wrong way…as I am just asking and not trying to come off as offensive….I mean no disrespect or harm).

    These are just 2 incidents accompanied with his communication with her…which I haven’t seen or heard any thing of it since last year. So I can’t really say he is or isn’t talking to her still. other than this thing with her I have to say the relationship is great besides this stuff. In some weird way I do KNOW he loves me….I’m assuming he’s just not ready to be sexually tied down to one woman yet. I don’t think he has feelings for his ex at all in that way. To hear them both tell me about when they were together over 10 years ago, they were just awful to eachother…they cheated on eachother, they got drunk and fought with eachother, she treated him like crap and talked down to him infront of her friends, she took his shoes and put them in the oven and turned it on broil, she cursed him out for watching movies while he was visiting her on vacation and she was at work. their relationship was a mess. (she told me this stuff herself and she did admit to going through the beginning and middle stages of schitzophrenia…she said she inherited it from her mother who died from the disorder…intentional overdose) . He says he doesn’t love her but I think SHE loves him….ONLY because he’s with me. If he was single she would care less about him and what he does. When they had a breif period of being off and on….they rarely talked at all UNTIL I came into the picture. Even his parents told me that. They have nothing to lie about when it comes down to her….(They don’t like her, they said she’s crazy as well). She lives 48 states away….cross the country!

  53. Humminbird says:

    Ok….so now i feel really stupid. i wrote on here nearly a yr ago, trying to find some justification for my situation, or some kind of answers. almost looking for a excuse for his actions. So telling my situation made me feel better about myself cos i always feel so shit. So now its been a year and a bit……an how is my life….ladies the bloody same. i should be ashamed to write this but its the only truth i seem to get. but all i know is no matter how many times people tell me this is wrong or this situation is bad for me the less i listen. we all know right and wrong, and we all know how we want to be treated, but no one can ever really know unless they are in your shoes. My situation, he is still with his girlfriend, he still does not live with her or have any kids. we have been together for over a year. i know if her was going to leave her he would have by now. so why am i still in this? i wonder if its because i cant have a normal relationship and need the drama to keep it all alive and sexy?? since last year i have broken it off twice, both times mine decision and he has wooed me back. i dont feel sorry for myself anymore, initially i was the other woman, and she was the girlfriend he was bored of. then i was on even playing ground and it was a choice between us. then as summer started we saw each other more and more and shared lives that SHE became the other woman. now im becoming the good friend who has sex, and emotional supports him. No one deserves to be the other woman, but it also felt really shitty having someone else be the other woman. i think if we ever were together thats how it would feel like all the time. I now know that whatever happens this relationship is doomed. I would never feel confident that he was not cheating, and it would always be tainted. Bottom line is he is not for me or the one. With him i will never evolve to feel like i deserve love but always feel just grateful. i would never feel sexy and confident like i used to. i will always have to be grateful that HE chose me…..

  54. lady kay says:

    I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have “fun” and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don’t want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he’s feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he’s with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be “friends with benefits” how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense.

  55. lady kay says:

    I have been the other woman for almost 7 months now and its been great until recently. Our mutual agreement was to just have “fun” and remain friends but lately we have gotten closer it went from casual encounter to weekly get-a-ways in a matter of weeks I am a little concerned. I know that him and his gf of 9yrs are having some problems and I know he loves her so I tell him to fix the problem. I do not wish for them to break up, take some time off or whatever it is because I don’t want to end up with my feelings hurt in the end. Apart of me feels like its because of me he’s feeling different we spend a lot more time together 4 of 7 days he’s with me, hes starting to show major affection signs like holding hands when we are only suppose to be “friends with benefits” how am I suppose to take this, am I suppose to run wild and let him know that I do have have feelings for him or just continue with my normal activities and just be on the defense?

  56. Broken hearted says:

    I don’t know what to classify myself as anymore because my life has taken so many turns being involved with this man. I have read the comments from the other women and wives and I have felt the same on both ends. Being the other women was everything that I wanted at one point in time because he was everything that I could ask for in a man. I never felt like the other woman because his married life never clashed with my life. After we hooked up after a month, he moved in with me and left his wife. It wasn’t anything official, he just got mad one night and came to stay with me. Over the next months I was in love and thought that I had found the man of my dreams. We had a situation that caused him to move out, but within a month, he came back. One day he had gotten sick and had visited the hospital, his family ofcourse came a took him home. From that day he has not been with me since. Over the course of the year we spent nights together, went places, even hooked up when he left his home. In my mind, one day he and I would be together. From my nights with him, I now have a child by him and we are as distant as we have ever been. In the back of my mind I thought that I was everything that his wife wasn’t, well come to find out… I was so much less. Yes it is convient, if you want nothing more. If you think that you have found love, you may have, but he made a choice to get married, and he did not marry you. This man’s wife puts up with everything that i did not have to deal with. She is pretty, smart, successful, and raises children of his that are not hers. Women of the world who are the other woman, there is a man out there for you,just like him ” minus the selfish, cheating spirit”. Do I love man? yes Do I miss him? yes Did I have fun? Yes, but I had to realize something. I could not win… She had already won. He was not mine in the beginning. I learned that there is more to a relationship/marriage than sex, fun, trips, etc…. it was what they shared.

  57. curiousJ says:

    I read most of the comments on here. I see many of the stories have the same tag line… the man tells the other woman that he is unhappy, going to leave, or never mention that he is married. I guess my question is, what if he’s honest from the beginning? My situation… I knew the guy was married, he told me he loves his wife, is happily married… we sleep together randomly, not every time we get together, but we do fool around everytime we get together. I guess I am most curious as to why I don’t care that he is happily married, and I hope he never leaves his wife, I hope he knows I would never be in a relationship with him, I don’t trust him. Maybe I am not making my main question clear… Why would a happily married man cheat on his wife with me for the past 3 1/2 years?

  58. Finally Seen The Light says:

    Dear CuriousJ – I think the answer is BECAUSE HE CAN…you let him and his ego gets stroked…his wife hasn’t confronted him, probably turns her cheek and stays in denial so she doesn’t have to do anything about it…. I’ve been there and it was a very painful experience. Only my MM told me he loved me and was going to leave his wife…I stayed on and off for 4 years and PS he’s still with her. I’ve been unemotionally involved with another MM for many years…no emotions, just sex, but he never promised anything and it’s just friendship and sex. I think it just became routine and when I wasn’t in a relationship, I just enjoyed the attention. What I’m realizing is this liaison is also not good for me and my self-esteem…and because he was persistent, I gave in.

    It’s about learning to stand up for yourself and knowing that crumbs are not enough for me! I want the whole cookie, not a few chips and crumbs…

  59. Cynnie says:

    Hi Ladies

    Eleven years ago I was involved with an attached man. We got along brilliantly, had deep and meaningful conversations and the intimacy was out of this world. In the begining I was fine with it as I was convinced that I could handle it. With each passing day I loved him more and of course, wanted more.

    He gave me as much as he could, but I was ALWAYS second. If he had plans with me and she wanted to go visit friends, I was the one who was disappointed, not her. We spoke about him being with me and he told me that he couldn’t bear to hurt her, especially as she has done nothing wrong. They also had a small child together and he did not want to leave his son.

    After 8 months, I called it quits. He chose her while I chose ME. It is not easy being the OW. You can’t share your “happiness” with others for fear of being found out and you can vent your frustrations without the pitying looks and stern reprimands. The feelings are intense and it seems as if no ones understand how you feel.

    I know that many of you ladies will not want to hear this, but get out now. (Re) Read NML’s posts on the subject and apply the NCR. Don’t waste any more time with these men who can’t/won’t offer you the basis of a relationship.

    BTW, my former attached guy married the same woman. Bail out now!

  60. Goldie says:

    It’s almost nice and comforting to read of other people in the same situation as me, it makes me feel almost not as lonely and that there’s at least a few people out there who understand what Im going through. Iv been the OW for oooo maybe 3 months now? We met at work (just to make the situation more difficult) and at the time I had a bf but I knew I wasn’t happy anymore in that relationship. Unfortunatly in work everyone noticed the spark between me and the other, it was there from the instant he joined my office, however I tried to ignore it. One day we had a serious talk about it and he told me to kiss him to see if that was it – maybe thered be nothing, that it would just be too weird. It wasnt. In fact it was perfect. And I still cant believe I actually kissed him then, I dont know why he did it and he keeps telling me he hasnt a clue why he asked. Anyway, I only last a week between my bf and this guy and split with my bf. However this guy was with his girl of a lot of years and they live together.
    He saved up a bit of money and three weeks into our relationship his gf was sick. She was seven weeks pregnant. He was going to leave her for me, but now what? Not only was he about to be a father but they also had a house and mortgage. So since then we’ve been all over the place emotionally. I know we should be together but he’s only ever been with her. He said he loves us both differently, she’s safe, I’m new. I know what he means. The bf I left was safe. He’s tried to leave me twice, straight away when we knew his gf was pregnant we ended it. That lasted two days. Then again a few weeks later. Lasted ten minutes. Then I’ve tried to end it twice because I’m wrecked emotionally and we just can’t end it. So we don’t know what to do. It’s killing us, it’s now so close to christmas and they’re 10 year anniversary, I fear he’ll never leave her, I’ve told him as much. There’s always going to be some date keeping him there, he doesnt want to hurt her, shes done nothing wrong, but I don’t know. I think the only way he’ll ever know whether he wants me or her is if I disappear for a few days but of course we work together so thats difficult. It’s killing me inside so bad. Everytime I hear a car outside I’m hopin its him, finally here, or when the door knocks that it’ll be him. Of course I still live at home so should he come to me we know we have more difficulties to get over, we’ve discussed them all.

    I’m actually terrified if he does leave her, I mean, what the hell do we then? We’ll probably be in trouble at work never mind with his family. But I think I’m more terrified of not spending my life with him. I’m only 20, hes 25. A lot of weight for a young-uns shoulders. I never envisiged myself in such a situation where I love a guy so much, want to be with him so much and yet cant do a damn thing about it. What hurt the most was being at a funeral alone today and wanting him by my side. I told him before if Im ever hurt, physically or emotionally what really hurts is he cant be there, that I’m truely alone. I do think I’ve lost him, that our chance of happiness went the moment she found out she was pregnant. We should have ended it then, but I dont know, maybe Ive been suckered in to believing his and her relationship is over and he’ll be with me. I know that by january though Im going to have to give him the ultimatum, me or her. And I’m going to feel awful for doing so, for goodness sake shes pregnant. I should be a million miles away. Hating being TOW.

  61. optimist says:

    Hi everyone,
    I am 20 years old and have been the other woman for about 8 months now. He will never leave his wife or children, and so help me I dont want him to! I know his family well and truly DO respect them..even though I know what I am doing is deeply direspectful in the conventions of our society.
    Before I met him, my mother had died of a long battle with cancer and I myself was just getting out of a long fight against anorexia. So to the wive out there-believe me, NO ONE has it easy. Not even the other woman. He helped me through a very difficult time in my life, and I do believe that fate brought thi particular person to me for reasons even further beyond the ones I lalready do understand.
    Yes, it is hard, it hurts sometimes a lot, but no one can judge right or wrong and EVERYONE has done something they may not want to tell their grandmother about. The point is, that all of us are jut human; the wife, the man, the other woman and none of us can expect a fairy tale marriage or romance. This is life, people lie, and love eachother and hurt eachother and somehow we all get through it. I can only hope that eventually I can let him go and move on with my life, find a man my own age who will be the father of my children and a loving husband. And if he ever cheats on me, we’ll get through it together and I will understand that marriage doesnt mean you can never fall in love again.
    Then, i think I’ll invite the other woman out for a cup of coffee and tell her about my flaming affair when I was 20 years old. :)
    p.s. thank you to the wife of my married man, for helping him become the man that saved my life.

  62. Petra Falk says:

    Well, if you are involved with a married man there is good news and bad news. Let’s look at the bad news first: That probably wasn’t the brightest idea you ever had, and chances are that it will end in tears. Most probably yours.

    The good news is – you are not alone. When you work out that well over 50% of all married men admit to having had at least one affair, and when you remember that for each and every one of those unfaithful men there is a woman who is or was involved with him, we suddenly have a hell of a lot of “Other Women” out there.

    I have written a book about being The Other Woman – called (original, I know ;.) – “Being The Other Woman.” It is available on Amazon and was written because however controversial the subject may be, every woman who needs support deserves it. And women in a relationship with a married man who isn’t there husband have access to very little support past the “Don’t do it” platitudes. Now that’s not particularly helpful once you are already IN that situation, is it!?

  63. judy says:

    Hmmm in all the comments here non of the other women seems to have much feeling for the wives of these men. My husband is back with me after a yr affair with “a Friend” of ours.

    Her husband had an affair, she had a nervous breakdown, we moved into the village, our children became friends. Three mionths after we met she asked my husband to sleep with er.

    Our marriage was hard at that time,. My parents were both dying, we had massive financial peroblems. She came for him with a vengeance. I trusted her.

    Why would she have wanted to cause me the pain that she had just felt. a pain so great that she had a nervous breakdown. Why would she want my child to suffer in the way her children had. This is what I cannot understand.

    all the time when she was confiding in me about the pain her husband had caused her, she was making moves to get my husband.

    When all the lieds and deception fell away and I asked her why, she said that she had wanted my husband from the first day she met him. that she loved the way our family was and the way we communicated together. So why would she want to destroy this.

    As my mum, before she died told me, if a woman opens her legs often enough a man will go in.

    Most of these posts seem to blame the men.

    Why don’t the women take some responsibility for the pain they have caused.

    Don’t women have a hard enough position in the world as it is without having to cope withe these unsisterly acts?

    My marriage survived. Many don’t leaving people in dire financial problems with damaged children.

    Most of the time when the man does leave his wife for the other woman, once the reality of day to day life, finances, monogamy, children, housework ect ect are having to be dealt with, the ‘wonderful ‘in loveness’ fades away.

    According to statistics 80% of men who marry their lover wish they had stayed with their wives.

    My advice to the ‘other women’ is. Grow up – take responsibility – be sisterly. If a man is with someone else he is not free to be with you. Keep yr legs closed and find someone who is available. Affairs cause unbelievable pain for everyone involved.

  64. bonnie m says:

    So, I find myself reading these messages in hope of finding answers to my situation. Let me start at the beginning. When I was 18 I met a gorgeous man. I was in a relationship
    at the time and apart from the occasional flirt I wasn’t interested in that way. He was also in a relationship with a 3 year old son, he was working away and had a quick fling with my friend. 3 years later and I was single, my friend and I decided to visit the group of friends we then worked with including this man. Straight away he made a beeline for me and wouldn’t leave me alone. That night we slept together and I stayed with him for a few days until it was time for me to go home knowing full well he was still with the mother of his son and they had since had another little boy. We got together on and off for a few years and it suited me as I was travelling the world working as was he but I started to realise I was falling for him big time. I always kept my side of the bargain, never asked him to leave his other half or children. As far as I was concerned, I was giving him what he wanted and when I was with him I felt special and felt I had one up on his girlfriend as I knew about het but she didn’t know about me. Then, suddenly he was sent to prison for 2 years. I knew it was possibly on the cards and continued to write and speak to him regularly although I never visited him. He was still with his girlfriend throughout his sentence. A few months before he was due for release, I met another man and started a relationship. This new guy reminded me of my other man but had no commitments. I realised I needed to be with someone new and finished what I had with my man in prison. 12 years passed, a rocky marriage and 2 children. Then out of the blue I was contacted by a mutual friend who said my man from prison was looking for me. Course I was flattered and contacted him straight away. He was still in a on off relationship with the mother of his children although she now lived in a separate house and their sons were now grown men. We decided to
    meet and fell right back into each others arms. He was everything my husband wasn’t. I have to admit I always thought about him throughout my marriage and always wondered where he was. I of course tried looking for him on the Internet but never found anything. In fact, I always told myself, if my marriage ended I would find him somehow but never had the courage to finish with my husband until he found out I was having an affair with this man. So, my marriage ended and I was back with my ex. He split with the mother of his children and slowly things started to work out. His ex tried everything to change his mind and even sent me a message to say she wouldn’t give up on him. Anyway, a year down the line and my divorce almost settled me and my man were excited about a new life together. My children adored him as did my mum. He was happy to leave his old life behind and move miles away to be with us. That’s when it all went wrong. After spending a week together, he went quiet on me. He said he didn’t think what we gad could work. We met up face to face and he told me he still loved his ex and had to try and give it another go. I was devestated and begged him to rethink. After all, she had previously walked out on him once before, attacked and injured him and was an alcoholic. I couldn’t believe he was about to throw away what we had. I could understand the commitment of taking on a new family with 2 small children in a strange place but I told him I would even move to his home town. He said his family, especially his mother was putting continous pressure on him to try again with his ex. I couldn’t believe it, I told him I couldn’t live without him and couldn’t just be friends so we agreed that we would carry on seeing each other behind his ex back. I knew I was mad to now be the other woman again but couldn’t face losing him forever. So, what choice do I have? It’s only early days and when he’s home from working I won’t even be able to speak or text him as she will be there. She says she will be take him back but will take her a long time to trust him again. She won’t even move straight back into his house let alone sleep with him. So, I’m obviously hoping it won’t work out, he has even said it could be over in a small amount of time and then at least he can prove to everyone he’s tried. I’m torn apart knowing I shouldn’t be still seeing him not knowing the future and can’t tell anyone as I know they’ll tell me I’m mad. I’m even wondering if him telling me he’ll still see me is false hope thinking that I may give up. But what am I to do when he is the love of my life. It’s my birthday soon and I desperately want to see him but as she knows when the date is he probably won’t be able to get away without her getting suspicious. I really am in despair but can’t face not having him in my life……

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!