Does Emotionally Unavailable Equal He’s Just Not That Into You?
Over at answerology, a reader asks “Do you think that emotionally unavailable really just equals he/she is just not that into you?” Truth be told, the answer isn’t a clear-cut ‘no’, but when you are faced with a Mr Unavailable’s behaviour, they act the way they do regardless of who you are. It’s not about you, it’s about him. The trouble with wanting an emotionally unavailable man is that it can cater to something within you which allows you to be drawn to someone who is emotionally ambivalent, which in turn makes you think that you need to work harder to win him over. He’s just not that into his emotions. He’s just not that into relationships. You could lay the world and yourself at his frigging feet and it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference. He’s self absorbed, narcissistic and focused on the short term fringe benefits of being with you. He gets the sexual, the social, and the emotional benefits, with little or no concern for the impact on you in the short, medium, and long term.
If you persist in trying to be with an emotionally unavailable man, in spite of his behaviour, on some level it sends a message that you’re not happy either. Because the bulk of women that are attracted to and become involved with emotionally unavailable men are actually emotionally unavailable themselves and commitment-phobe’s (whether they know it or not), by sticking around, he realises that something can’t be right with you either. Deep inside he knows that you shouldn’t want him as he has nothing to offer but crumbs. But this is actually a very minor part of it…
Ultimately, emotionally unavailable doesn’t equal he (or she) is just not that into you. People can either tell you that they’re emotionally unavailable, not ready for a relationship, or not interested or they can show you, because actions speak louder than words. It all comes down to whether you want to hear the words/heed the signs. Human nature can have us putting ourselves at the centre of the reason when in actual fact, true emotional unavailability occurs independently of whoever they engage with. It was there before you became involved with them, it’ll be there when you become involved with them, and until they resolve their issue, it’ll still be there long after you’ve had the sense to make a run for it.
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starr May 5th, 2007, 9:02 am
This is very true. I agree with it so much. I am with an emotionally unavailable guy and I thought I wanted to have a serious relationship…but deep down, I don’t. this article has made me realize this. how do i become emotionally available? i really would like to…im tired of being single..but again, i guess im a commit-a-phobe.
kay May 10th, 2007, 11:02 pm
I read this article and cried. I not only recognise my current situation but many others before it. One in particular nearly destroyed me. Yet every so often he reappears and pulls the same old strings. Knowing and learning from a situation is not the same thing. More importantly- why am I choosing such people? If I could work that out I would be free of the EUM forever!!
Theresa May 16th, 2007, 1:35 am
I do agree yet I have my own view or twist on this. I think it takes knowing how to be in a relationship to really answer that question. My father abandoned me as a baby, reappearing here and there and me always trying to be good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough to finally win his love. But he was to into himself and his life to care about me or my needs or feelings. So what I find is that I keep recreating the abandoning father in my life. I say honestly to you yes I want a relationship, yet I can honestly say I’m not sure what a healthy one looks like. Again I find myself in a relationship with some emotionally unavailable me trying so hard to win his approval and love for him to abandon me. Same story different guy; the cycle of my first relationship (with father) never stopping.
William May 27th, 2007, 6:49 pm
I have or appear to have the same problem but I don’t know where my problems stop and my girlfriend’s start. I think unless she didn’t have problems she wouldn’t still be around. I really don’t know how or what to do because she demands my undivided attention is jealous of the kids and my ex wife. I tried to give her more attention but I seem to piss everyone off in the process. She thinks if I really loved her I wouldn’t have any problem making decisions about how I treat her. Now I’m wondering maybe she’s right if I really loved her would she get all of my attention. It leaves me totally confused I don’t do things that most people would call mean (run around on her, not do what I’m supposed to with her, hit her, verbally abusive, etc) can I just be reserved? Do I have to be labeled emotionally unavailable like I have an incurable disease?
la May 28th, 2007, 9:37 pm
Hello
I was reading your posts and I will say that the first step toward change is becoming aware of your own unavailability. The second question to ask yourself is what are you afraid of when it comes to male/female romantic relationships? Why are you afraid to share intimacy? Are you truly intimate with anyone in your life? Are you still trying to repair your relationship with mommy or daddy? Before you can have a successful relationship you need to take an inward journey. Much like training for a new job you are training yourself to stop limiting behaviors and protective devices and truly believe that you are worthy of a great love (Yes You!). A good book to start with is Fear of Intimacy by Firestone. Read, think, read, think. Stay away from dating for a while until you develop the courage and boundaries to pick a healthy partner. And, if you are involved with an EUM, GET OUT! It will never change, you will suffer more damage and despair, besides wasting your precious youth on someone who DOESN’T CARE AND NEVER WILL!!! Good luck to all of you.
stella June 27th, 2007, 6:52 pm
Really good advice and true. The hardest part is that though they are emotionally unavailable, sometimes they do “push and pull” a little. So many times I’ve been like “That’s it!” I don’t contact him for a few days and he calls me and I think it’s gonna be different. It’s the first time I’ve actually been in this kind of relationship and it’s throwing me for a loop!
Whitney July 2nd, 2007, 6:18 am
I am dating a EUM. We have been off and on for the last month and a half. It is really taking a toll on me. He can’t make up his mind about me. He constantly tells me how great I am and how he knows that I am the best girl he has ever been with. However, he is terrified of commitment. He will pull me in by cooking for me, telling me sweet things, and spending quality time with me. Then the next day he is aloof, unavailable, moody, and says he needs his space. Everytime I pull away he freaks out. He has double standards! He is like playing me like a yo-yo. I know he cares and that the thought of losing me scares him, but lately whenever we have great days and get close and intimate he seems to freak out and the next day pulls away again. I care for him deeply and he is my best friend. But, I am better and stronger then this. I can’t seem to gain the strength to tell him adios!! I know he needs to learn he can’t treat me like this and I am not someone he can play with. But everytime I feel close I fall back into needing his attention. I have never been like this in past relationships. I am addicted to him. When its good its great, but he is so selfish and arrogant. I think cause he is insecure. He just started therapy. It may help. He used to be called a player in high school. But then he got cancer and changed somewhat and I don’t think he cares about having tons of women. He just can’t be too close to one. I feel lost and confused!!!
TeresaL July 8th, 2007, 5:02 am
Great advice! I am 24 and always seem to be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes this is a good thing, since some of the men in the past have turned out to be a disaster in other ways. However, there are the ones that have great qualities and make me want to pursue dating or a relationship. More recently, I met a guy in SF (my home town), he lives in another state (let’s just say far away) and he was interested in keeping contact. Initially I thought it was weird! Right? Why would a man who lives tons of miles away want to keep in contact with a girl who lives far away?
Well… he emailed, I emailed back, we have kept in contact and since I have had the chance to get to know him, I have discovered that I like him enough to perhaps purse a relationship. We have been sexual and that has also made things hard. Do you think that since I live far it has given him the opportunity to be semi involved, without any real strings attached? I just got back from seeing him and have the desire to make the first move and call or email…but I decied not too. Any advice? Should I just run? Is it hopeless?
Liza July 12th, 2007, 1:00 pm
Teresa (7/8/07 comment above), I think you should give this guy a chance - make the contact! The geographical distance between you may have nothing to do with his being emotionally unavailable or not - you never know! Let him know you’re interested, and see what happens. At the very least, it could be a nice, long-distance, once-in-awhile thing.
My problem is MUCH closer to home. My emotionally unavailable guy (for two years now) just does not need a lot of woman in his life. I know that when he does want a woman, it’s me, but it’s not enough. His priorities are his business, a serious hobby, and his 3 kids. I’m a part of his life, but I’m not IN his life. We rarely go out, he’s not at ALL affectionate, NEVER compliments me, and avoids me on all holidays. But I am SO drawn to this man! We have the most AWESOME sex & easy, relaxing evenings, lots of laughs, etc. I’ve kept myself out there and met/dated other guys, but nobody does it for me the way he does. I rationalize that he “shows me in his own way” that he cares - but they are nothing compared to what a REAL man could do and give. This article was a wake-up call that I must on some level like the challenge - he must “keep me on my toes” or something (I have lost 20 lbs and kept it off since I met him so that’s a good thing, right?!). I would LOVE a committment; I think the reason I must keep him is the challenge (and the sex!)
Michelle July 25th, 2007, 7:24 pm
Ok, So again this is the first realtionship I’ve ever been in with an EUM!! Wow, has thrown me for a loop. It’s been 7 months and the last 5 have been hell!! Up, down and as time goes on it just gets worse. I’m bailing this time. I too, am so drawn to him and the sex is unbelievable but the emotional roller coaster is to much for me anymore. My girlfriend has been telling me about the EUM’s of the world and is so shocked that I’m oblivious at 34 years old. Well after reading this article and others, I am blown away about how accurate this is to my relationship.
Charisse July 26th, 2007, 8:27 pm
I met my EUM 7 months ago. After dating for 2 months, he asked me to move in with him, marry him (he actually had a ring) and take the key to his house. I declined them all because I thought though we were having a great time together I was not ready to make the move to move in with anyone. We had a great first five months. In May, I noticed that he had begun to become distant and I was feeling uncomfortable. I felt that we had a good enough rapport that I could talk to him about it. I told him I noticed his distance and that I needed him to be more affectionate. He told me it wasn’t happening that I was trying to change him and that if 90% of the relationship is good why complain about the other 10%. This was the beginning of our push and pull relationship. I didn’t hear from him from May 19th until June 2nd. After June 2, We spent a couple of days together.. we had a great time. Didn’t talk about his disappearing act at all. The following weekend he was supposed to go to a formal affair with me. The day of the affair I was busy running around as I was the coordinator and I had to call him to find out what was going on. He told he he wasn’t coming did not offer a good reason. I accepted that! He said he woudl come down to the hotel later. He did make an attempt but got lost and turned around and went home and commented to me that he was too emotionally damaged to have a relationship with me.. that I was too good of a woman for him to keep putting me through his “tirades”. More recently, last weekend we went away together had a wonderful weekend and now I haven’t heard from him at all. He won’t call me… I have left messages and I am extremely hurt and confused. His actions are saying he doesn’t care; though he praises me to high heaven when we are together. I am so angry I want to physically hurt him to make him feel what I am feeling but when I come back to my senses I realize this will not make anything better. Reading the different posts regarding the EUM have helped me but I am a long way from healing.
iwashandytorandyd July 28th, 2007, 6:10 pm
After being out of my marriage of 14 years, I met what I thought to be a great person, and he was! Just emotionally unavailable. After being fresh out of a three-year booty-call relationship himself, he had no business starting to date me. He was still very bruised. In fact I didn’t find out about this former relationship of his until four months into our so-called relationship. I was deeply affected by this and started a long slow journey of mis-trust towards him. He was “emotionally unavailable” to me in almost every way described in your article. And had he been available to me emotionally, and consistent in his phone calls, behaviour, his ability to be completely open and honest and forthright with me, I think I could have been quite a different person myself…but eventually after so many “red flags”, I simply started to pull back myself emotionally not feeling I was in a “safe spot” with him. Ultimately the demise of our “relationship” and my now trying to make perfect sense of it all. His explanation to me at the end being that he couldn’t quite put his finger on why he couldn’t go there…why he wasn’t into the relationship like he felt he should be. My heart is very sad and I have an awful lot of processing to do with myself for having been drawn to this person in the first place and for sticking it out for six long months of sheer hell when I should have dumped him after the fourth month. My gut, my physical feeling of unwellness told me that something was wrong but I chose to ignore these important signals (to myself), my insides churned 24/7 in the time I was seeing him. I can only expect that this experience with this guy whom I met on Lavalife by the way, will make me a stronger person, able to acknowledge the red flags in any future relationships, especially with those who are possibly emotionally unavailable. There is just no end to it and no future unless these people deal with their issues of why they are the way they are!
Jen August 3rd, 2007, 2:43 pm
ARGHHHHHHH after being attracted to EUM in the past I said never again! However…after through choice being single for about 4 years sorting through **** from exes and the like… I have spent the best part of this year “virtually” speaking to a man who I thought was a decent bloke.2 months ago We met up and got on etc However after that everytime we arranged to meet he’d vanish no email.txt or anything letting me down! I thought he was doing the I don’t like you thing that men do and being silent..So I backed off! However He then came back said how much he liked me blah blah blah as I’d met his family as he still lives with his parents and 5 brothers I believed him! We went out again where we kissed…I thought finally and thought he was just shy etc he’s really got into my head now I Haven’t seen him for a month! I was stood up tuesday night after he assured me he was going to be in! I had the humiliation of knocking his door and the he’s not in speech from his mum as if I am some sort of stalker!! I Have not heard anything since! He is 22 and I am 26!! Why say you really like someone etc then don’t meet up? Why can’t men have the bottle to say actually I don’t like you in instead of getting your hopes up and hurting you on purpose? Is it me or has the whole dating thing got harder! Men..try be honest if you don’t like someone in that way TELL THEM! and save the bull-crap!!! Why did I not notice this happening? Why is it the more the man ignores you the more you want them? Are men worth all this hurt and upset?
Amanda August 3rd, 2007, 4:06 pm
I have just wasted six years with a EUM, and I have only myself to blame for more than one reason. When we began dating, he was still married, although constantly reassured me his relationship with his wife was over and been emotionally over for years before. It took him over two years to get the official divorce (still I hung in there like fool!) while he swept me off my feet with big promises, presents, tons and tons of love and affection, great sex and my every wish fulfilled. The Perfect Man. After his divorce, we saved money and bought a house together and started renovating it ourselves. He asked me to marry him with a huge ring in a gorgeous restaurant and with a written invitation saying, he loved me more with each passing day and that he knew our journey in love would last forever. But when I started planning the wedding, he just didn’t seem into it. I figured it was just a guy thing. Three months after he asked me to marry him, it was Valentine’s Day and he didn’t get me anything. He said he forgot it at the office. We had planned a dinner at teh restaurant where we got engaged and he sat there like statue the whole time. Four days later, he broke the engagement and said he felt in his gut for over a year that things weren’t working for him and would never work. The following day he apologized and said he wanted to work on things. Then he broke up with me, then we “worked it out” then we broke up, etc… for six months. Eventually he told me that he’s just been in a different place than me, knowing it was really over for so long and if I was just honest with myself I would say I knew it was coming all this time too. I felt like tearing my hair out. NO YOU *&#%^&$*&^ I had REGISTERED FOR CHINA and shopped fo rdresses!!! How was I supposed to know he wasn’t happy when he was acting happy and proposing marriage!!! He said such terrible things to me and hours later with act like a puppy dog and will accept him back. The worst thing is that I can’t escape him day-to-day because we bought this house and it’s ripped apart and has to be fixed before it’s sold. Neither of us can afford to live somewhere else and pay the mortgage. The loan is in my name only, but at least we have a contractual agreement to both pay. It’s like living in hell.
Ann August 5th, 2007, 12:27 am
One thing that I have not seen mentioned in any of the postings is the feeling of guilt about leaving that can keep us attached to an EUM. In my case, leaving challenges my own commitment to try harder, to stick it out, to stay to the bitter end (what ever that may be). My own EUM has been just as shitty as tales above and I have still held on. I have been in many disasterous relationships and my family and friends have seen me going from one to another. I suppose this time, I felt that I had found ‘the one’ and I was determined to put my ‘all’ into it. However, I have found the strength to leave because, like so many others on this site, what comes back from him is crumbs. He has quite happily said on many occassions that he is unable to provide the kind of relationship he knows I want. But then he continues to dangle carrot in front of me and I take the bait. He has no quams about contining to wasting my time. Roll on Friday 10th Aug, my escape day when I move out. I wish all of you the strength to break free to find a rewarding life, with or without a partner.
J August 16th, 2007, 9:02 pm
Oh my goodness. I hit the wall last night. Broke up with my EUM. I do love him. He is a great bloke. Loyal, fun, loving and affectionate, but with HUGE walls. We were together for 15 months. Part of eachother families and friends. His family totally welcomed me.
He was “almost” divorced when we met. (I broke my own rule, never to date a man who is not divorced yet.) Assured me he was fine and ready to get on and live his life, find the “right” partner and have a family.
Like Ann, when I started to notice things not adding up emotionally, (things like, he never had any really close friends). He didn’t seem to “value” friendships. He wasn’t really considerate to time, like if he was going to be late for drinks with workers, or if he made plans with me.
I felt I had found the “one” and didn’t want to walk away because things weren’t perfect. But here is the reality.
- I was not my strong, confident, selfassured “self” in this releationship.( I normally am)
- I never felt emotionally safe. I had no clue what he was thinking about me, or us, about the future, if we had one..
- He admited straight on when we’d talk about it.. from about 3 or 4 months on.. that “This is all he can give right now emotionally”. He always seems so overwhelmed. There’s always something that’s causing him to feel overwhelmed.. He’d step it up.. then retreat..
He never wanted me to “bother” or to go to any trouble for him. I wonder if it is because, he didn’t “value” himself as being worthy of someone going to extra trouble for him..or doing nice things…OR if he felt, that he really didn’t want to “bother” for me so..he’d feel guilty if I bothered for him…
He never appreciated the little things or big things I did for him.
I got the same uninspired reaction if I put 20% into something for him or if I put 150%. Eventually I stopped wanting to try to do nice things..
He is always overwhelemed, Financially, then his house (which he is still building), which was started just before we met.. His work, financially, now one of his parents is ill, ( so sad).
I did ALL the planning in the relationship, planned evenings out, had to ask for date nights, always asking him, to “ROW” with me.. that I can’t row alone. He drove when we went out..but NEVER want to TAKE CONTROL AND DRIVE…He never wanted to make any “decisions”, from which restaurant he wanted to go to, I’d ask what he wanted for dinner, he didn’t care.
IN THE 18 MONTHS..He never offered to help me around my house. I said.. you never offer to make me dinner, he said..it’s not “MY” house, and when he’s in HIS house, he’ll cook for me..
He was never mean, or angry with me. I started to wonder what ever got this guy excited about anything.. He was a good lover, affectionate, Told me loved me, always holding my hand and kissing me.. and holding me.. but it was very very SURFACE.. Even the “quality” and quantity of love making diminished over the last few months.
I’d talk about dreams for the future, building a life together, having a baby.. and the answer was always the same.. it’s not a good time right now, I’m so overwhelmed, I have so much on my plate, give me more time..
He NEVER went out of his way, to do the “minor” but important love stuff… Flowers once. 1st Anniversary, never bought me a card or present. I told him, it hurt my feelings. He appologized and said, yes,thank you for letting me know and you are right, I need to step it up and show you how special you really are to me. Then NOTHING.
He never denied his inability to GIVE..
I constantly felt like I had to ASK for everything in the relationship. His attention, His love, to love me more, to try harder, to give me a sign. He says he loves me very much, never wanted to hurt me. He just is scared. Has this “fear” and when asked to list his fears.. he can’t. He says I don’t know what they are.
As soon as I become detached.. (more often in the last 6 months), he turns it on just enough to make re-think things. It was an aweful pattern that was eating away at my essence. Everytime we’d “talk” he’s say nothing.
He’d get emotional and we’d cry together, he’d hold me. Tell me he loves me. Then go wipe his eyes, and pretend nothing happened. This happened at LEAST 5 times.
I’m sad, because I’ve seen glimpses and moments of the man he really is. But is choosing to remain stuck within himself emotionally. He admited that he became like this closer to the end of his 1st Marriage. Of course.. because who wants to be with someone that can’t love them FULL ON!!!!..
Be loving, caring and compassionate ladies.. but from a difference. PLEASE UNDERSTAND AND BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY SAY.. .. THIS IS ALL I CAN GIVE RIGHT NOW.. they mean it. It’s not going to change unless they want it to.
After a very emotional night, lots of tears, and loving put painful discussion, I said.. “I feel the bar you have set for this relationship is so low that I have found myself trying to change and be satisfied with what you are willing to give… It’s causing me to feel insecure, unsure of myself and the feeling that I have loweredmy expectations. It’s affecting my emotional integrity”.. I could stay and play the game,but that is not who I am…While I am afraid of losing you… I am MORE afraid of losing myself, so I need to OPT out.
*sigh*.. I’m sad, very sad..There are many wonderful qualities about this man that I love. But I couldn’t ever shake the feeling that if I’m going to be in a relationship, I need to be with someone who can love me FULL ON.. and celebrate who I am.
I am not angry at him.. I am upset with myself, that I did not listen and believe him when he told me he couldn’t give more. I am upset because I ignored that wonderful, loyal, faithful voice in my soul that said.. this isn’t right.
I could see our present and future.. unfortunately,, I was the only one!!!
I really hope he finds the healing he needs.
I am now beginning my healing journey!
Anonymous August 17th, 2007, 5:15 pm
Its exhausting! 99% of the day i have wasted for 2 years trying desparetly to make my EUM fall in love with me. Tried every psychological tactic i could believing that if i have patience, give him space, blah blah that he would eventually see the benifits of us being togther and that its not so ‘terrifying’ as he says.My poor friends must be bored stiff of listening to me go on and on.My problem is the same as everyone elses that when i withdraw, he returns like a snake waiting to bite, and when he realizes he has me again, he recoils…..again!!This is not a sexual relationship now although it has been, but we spend the night together in the same bed, torture. IHow do you get the strengh to say no when they return, i try and try to move on but feel helpless that i can suceed in sayin no to him. Im sick with anxiety and depression through this, its crazy and i want it to stop because i know i deserve better. Feel so so sad!
Ann August 17th, 2007, 7:17 pm
Hi J and anonymous
I can so relate to all of this and the immense frustration. I particularly identify with anonymous and the non-sexual relationship. I have spent the last two years with the intimate side reducing to zero although in the beginning it was great and I thought that together we had reached an amazing bond. We even went to Paris for a long weekend after I had been out of the country for 3 months. We never made love once!!! I never want to go anywhere with him again because this was such a blow in a city built for lovers. I have spent night after night lying in the same bed wanting to reach out and be intimate (on the occasions i did I was met with rejection to the point that I didn’t try any more). But it is hell! I made my move on the 10th August into my own home, and he came down for the weekend to help me fix things to walls. He likes doing DIY so I decided to make the most of what was on offer because, I feel that I am getting something back. However, I agree with J and realise they do mean what they say when they say they can’t give more than what is being offered. It puzzled me for months and stupidly thought that he would give more in time doh! I held out for more which never materialised. So now that I have moved away, he emails, calls 1-2x daily, tells me he loves me when he finishes the call but most importantly for me, never says that he misses me. So I am still reassured that I have made the right decision to move out because now I live180 miles away, and can start to phase him out. (I had always wanted to live by the sea and I did have the sense to decide that I was going to do it anyway whether he came or not. ) Like anonymous above, I too was the only one that could see the present and the future. I agree it is very sad…. I am really enjoying my own space in my house now. I go around with a smile on my face and I feel an inner growing peace. I love my new town, I have made new friends and started new hobbies. Life will get better! I have a few niggling health issues which I believe were the result of the years of neglect and frustration in this relationship. Like J I had tried to make the crumbs that were on offer enough when they simply weren’t. My emotional and physical well-being suffered and I am now working on healing myself. I have become emotionally detached from him and I think that I will quote J’s peice above - which was great J - “”I feel the bar you have set for this relationship is so low that I have found myself trying to change and be satisfied with what you are willing to give… It’s causing me to feel insecure, unsure of myself and the feeling that I have lowered my expectations. It’s affecting my emotional integrity”.. I could stay and play the game,but that is not who I am…While I am afraid of losing you… I am MORE afraid of losing myself, so I need to OPT out”"
I value reading all your contrubitions - it feels like on-line support. Thanks so much
Ann
J August 17th, 2007, 7:17 pm
Healing has to start with us. It starts by admitting we have our own issues to deal with and that we have to own the role we play in attracting a EUM. Identifying the hurts and issues and life tapes we need to deal with from our childhoods that make us repeat these problems. Until we do that, our souls will be a cosmic magnet to every EUM in the immediate area. It the law of the universe. We have to learn how to flip our internal, program our emotional wiring (magnet) so it naturally, and automatically repels EUM when they enter our physical space. (think of two negative magnets or two positive magnets how they push eachother way). Until we make the decision to heal ourselves and take responsibility for the choices “we” make.. Our realities will not change.
You can get the strength to say no when they return, only when you get the strength and take the time to say YES to you!
Blessings and strength to you and to us all!
Ann August 17th, 2007, 7:25 pm
How true - I totally believe in the law of attraction and attracting to ourselves what we are doing internally, I realised during my EUM process that I was not nurturning myself enough and now that I have started that the external is changing. it is very exciting indeed. Things that helped me were the film The Secret and books Are you the one for me by Barbara De Angelis and Wild Love by Gill Edwards.
Agreed, blessings and strenght to us all!
J August 17th, 2007, 8:57 pm
Ann, I’m so proud of you! You go girl. You are well on your way..
I was with my EUM for just over a year but the signs started shortly after courting.
Here’s what I’m curious about..
He was with someone for two years and married for almost 2. When we first started dating ( he had been seperated for about 6 months (his divorce became final about 6 months into our relationship)..
Anyway..He said.. they didn’t have sex for the last year of their relationship, but he always made it sound or give the impression (cuz a clear answer doesn’t happen).. that it was “her” that didn’t want sex. Then because she didn’t want it.. it reflects on his self esteem and the cycle started and before you know it.. no sex for a year.
We had a conversation early on in our relationship.. We both talked about how being intimate and physical is an important element in a relationship.
I found this interesting because for the first 3 to 6 months of our relationship.. the sex ROCKED..I mean ROCKED.. Good quality and quantity and connection (for lack of a better term)
Then I found, that after awhile..he never made as much .. then I noticed a few things..
* He had problems climaxing inside me. (which messed with my emotional wiring)
* I even spent 200 dollars on various contraception for him to choose from. I thought he had a fear of getting me pregnant.
* He assured me that wasn’t the issue..
* He loves when I would be “oral” with him, but he rarely was with me. He made such a big deal of it, but it really was rare. I’ve been in many other relationships where my partner was “crazy about “giving” that..
* It made me feel like there was something “wrong” with me to the point where I didn’t want to be “oral” with him.
* we’d go for a half hour or longer..and he couldn’t climax..
* I’d try and address it and he’d say.. You know it happens, lets not make it into something more than that. I don’t want it to become psychological.
* Then in the last month or two..he could go days, even a week without us having sex, making love.
* He claims he didn’t even masturbate when we weren’t together. ( I found that odd, because I feel masturabation is natural and healthy)
* I noticed he had difficulty maintaining an erection during intercourse.
* it wasn’t as firm .
* He stopped going to the gym. He gained about 10 or 15 lbs during the year or so we were together. ( I gained about 10 lbs as well..) You think it’s emotional eating? Duh?
He would always hold my hand in public. He had no issues with public displays of affection.
But I wonder what the “sexual” component is all about? What’s the pattern there..?
J August 17th, 2007, 9:14 pm
Anne,
This is amazing.. Sunday night me and my EUM watched the movie the Secret… It touched me PROFOUNDLY!.. You think there is a coincidence between me seeing that and me finally having to ask him to leave three nights later?
You know he watched it intently. I didn’t think he would.. He’d even squeeze my hand in certain parts. But after it was over.. I could never get a real sense what he “felt” about it. WHat he thought about it.
That was true for most things in our relationship.. His lack of emotion or passion in reacting to different things left me unable to determine, what he liked, disliked, was passionate about, what would make him smile, what would make him feel special. I don’t know what his favorite food is, I don’t know his favorite colour. He could eat a meal that was horrid, or one that I spent hours on(that left others speechless).. and he’d say the same thing.. it’s okay.
I never felt that he was truly “GRATEFUL” for anything. Or that he appreciated the little stuff.
I never felt that he really wanted to get to know me that deeply.. he would brag that he had me all figured out.. he knew what I am all about.. but he never did the things he KNEW would make me feel special or feel good..
Oh dear goodness, about 3 months into our relationship I sent him an email that detailed.. sweetly.. things that made me smile, and feel special, and laugh… little things.. HE NEVER DID ONE THING..
The nicest thing he ever did for me “without asking” was: ordering me a free catalogue on line. *sigh*..
Now if I asked.. He would do nearly anything for me. But I would have to ask, generally more than once… AND if it was serious.. I would withdrawl..and he would STEP IT UP.. for that moment.
I’ve read those books by Barbara.. When we were dating..I even gave him the book early on in our our relationship.. “WHAT WOMEN WANT MEN TO KNOW”… LOL..
Oh, I must get that Wild Love book!..
Ann August 17th, 2007, 10:35 pm
Hi J
This is so spookily similar to my guy even down to the sexual patterning. Yes the Secret is good and I got him to watch a bit of it before his eyes glazed over! ho hum, typical of his reaction to any deap thought about cause and effect.
On your comments about sex, the last time we had sexual contact, I gave him oral and then he said it was nice and then wanted to go to sleep without even a move towards returning the favour. All the other bits about not knowing what he thinks and feels about stuff is also identical. last month I mentioned all these things to a therapist friend of mine who suggested that he could be displaying the signs of aspergers disease and he may have had it all his life and it has never been picked up. This is the mild form of autism where the individual concerned does not know how to relate/communicate emotionally. It kind of made sense when I did a bit of research, but it still didn’t figure because like you, I provided a list of things I liked and he did none of them including kissing me! His kisses consisted of pecks on the lips and not full blown snogs. Like your guy he has no problems holding hands, giving me a hug etc, but intimacy is just avoided. When I have pushed the kissing into a more eventful snog, he does try to pull away and return to the pecking variety. he also always keeps his eyes open and when I see his eyes, they have a look of bewilderment in them. It is all very strange and like you I started thinking that there was something going on the sexual bits department and got him to take vitamins, amino acids - L-arginine that helps with errection. I got him to go to his GP to get his blood checked out - that was ok and his gp asked if he suffered from erectile dysfunction and he replied that he didn’t. Like your guy, mine doesn’t masterbate either - I found this out early on because I asked what he did in between seeing me. The fact that your descriptions are so similar to mine of the behaviour, leads me to think that there must be something psychological going on as well. I have explored his early childhood background and the roots could be there - it was dysfunctional and he ended up looking after his mother. His father was also an EUM and his mother put up with it until he passed away. I have thought that he is now mimicking his father’s behaviour. his mother and i are quite similar, we are upbeat, caring and kind. Also if I am like his mother, then he wouldn’t be interested sexually. Another thing I put together from his early comments about his background, was that he enjoyed not giving his sister the things that he knew would make her happy. I interpreted this to be the way that he got to be in control in his family by witholding. Now projected into his adult life, he is continuing to get control by witholding sex, affection, intimacy because it is the one thing he can easily control and they know it makes us suffer. It is a kind of “well lets see who is really in charge here” . He also mentioned early on that on the death of a close friend, he felt that he should have felt more at his funeral. He noted that he didn’t feel as upset as he should of. This was a major concern for him at the time - this may link up with the aspergers idea.
I am successful in my life and take on lots of challenges and I know, because he has told me, he is resentful of this. If this is one of the games he is playing, then it is a cut off your nose to spite your face scenario and sad. For my part, I attracted an EUM because I had been trying to work through my own stuff with my EUM father. Unconsciously I have been attracting a similar situation with my adult relationships in the hope it would have a different outcome ie the EUM would suddenly be EM. I think that this is what makes it so difficult for many of us to let go of these types of relationships despite all the chat and support from our friends - we are hooked into it because of our own stuff. Through this last experience, I completely cleared mine by understanding that I wasn’t rejected by my father, that it was just the way he was and that I also had to stop rejecting myself. So I am now in healing mode and the magnetic poles are changing and starting to repel the EUM. Interestingly I was on a course recently and some of the men made a big thing of me, it was so nice to be chatted up and to sense a genuine interest in me as a woman. Like your guy mine never really seemed that interested in me and I spent more time getting to know him and his likes, and join him in his hobbies etc
Like your guy he is very helpful and does things when asked like DIY, get things from the shops, order stuff on line but ask for itimacy, he squirmes like a child being asked to eat his peas!. he was just off the phone telling me about a programme I might like on TV proving the helpful side. maybe it will work at a friendship level and he may still feature from time to time, but next relationship, will be a two way process because that is the only way forward!
At the end of the day, I know that he will be like this with every girlfriend (like your guy, his previous relationships had sexual problems where the frequency fell off). I think that in your guy’s case, he was probably in denial about his part in the break up and his lack of interest in sex, or if it was the other way around, he was unable to play the control game via sex and was given a taste of his own medicine which would have lead him to leave the relationship if the purpose of it was to control. But it is very interesting to hear about your and other’s experiences. The level of detail about the behaviour from your comments I easily relate to and recognise in a way that I seem to be able to convey to my close girlfriends who all said very quickly to dump him without helping me resolve the puzzle of what was actually happening.
The thing that is the ultimate puzzle for me with an EUM is how at the beginning it is so good and why they don’t want this to continue. is it that when you first fall in love, you are so blind and really only feeling your own connection and miss the back that they are not engaged? Your comment about the sex being Rocking doesn’t appear to hold that theory up. I have read heaps on relationships and I still do not have a definitive answer! Reading a Brief History of Time by prof Stephen Hawking seems much easier!!
Off to bed now. Night night
Ann August 17th, 2007, 10:36 pm
Forgot to ask j, did your guy have very low energy and want to go to his bed really early ie 9.30pm?
Anonymous August 17th, 2007, 10:52 pm
I just so want to say how valuable all this information that you guys write is!! Makes me feel so not alone, thank you! Noone else really understands, you cant until you’ve experianced it can you? Im doing honours psychology/statistics at uni, single parent etc would consider myself a strong 34 year old scottish woman, which is why i’m at a total loss as to how i ended up here, is it lonlieness?? But i have friends etc, i just do not understand, life is not easy and maybe we just have to accept the mess of it all, all we want is love, our fundamental need, not a crime! Maybe we care too much. But thank you thank you for being there where ever you are, for understanding! I feel….not alone!! x
J August 18th, 2007, 12:06 am
Anne, I’ll respond to your questions when I get home. Going out with a girlfriend tonight for some drinks….
Quick note though… My EUM.. After the 1st month - He was always exhausted and tired.
The interesting part is that he really didn’t fit a lot of the non affectionate signs of an EUM… For a majority of our relationship.. We had some real amazing what I felt where emotionally connected intimate/physical moments.
Intersting though.. on those amazing weekends.. where I felt totally amazing and happy and positive and that things were “okay”….
He seemed to withdraw the Monday to Wednesday, even up to a Thursday..
He joked to a friend of mine, that he’s pretty much been a “part time” boyfriend..and during one discussion.. he even used the term.. or phrase..that we had “half a relationship”.. that didn’t feel good or right..
Anonymous - We end up here because - WE NEED TO LOVE and CHERISH OURSELVES FIRST. There is a part of all of us here, that for some reason is seeking that “part” of happiness, externally. Believing that it can be found when we find the right person. The right partner. I am clearly learning that until “I” am my own best partner. I love all of me, for who I am..just as I am.. I can expect no one else to “fill me up” that way. I need to fill myself up.
A very close mate of mine. said to me… You know, in your female friendships you are very clear in your expectations and you are always true to who you are. But sometimes in relationships I change the rules, put up with attitudes and treatment that you wouldn’t tolerate in your friendships. I have a lot of strong friendships. I cherish and my mates are really supportive right now…I’m so blessed!
It is a very true statement. One I need to explore further.
We are not alone. I believe, I really believe that.
Also, I’m in Canada…. (((waving))).. …so yes.. we will find strength in one another… and move forward.. one step at a time.
I have no anger for my EUM. He is who he is. He deserves to feel love, just as much as we all do.
Can you imagine, not being able to truly absorb and feel love and a true heart connection?
We were brought together for a reason. I have experienced a profound life lesson that I truly believe will serve as a true catalyst to healing! I just pray that in someway, now or in the future he will see the opportunity in our coming together, as a real catalyst to his healing.
Has anyone read any books or articles on men who are on their healing journey from being Emotionally Unavailable?
J August 18th, 2007, 3:32 pm
Last night I went out with a dear friend. It was fun. I had toooooo many Margarita’s..LOL… My tummy doesn’t feel that great this morning…ugh..
I have not heard from EUM since I asked him to leave Wed night/Thurs morning. I didn’t want to, but my soul it was what I needed to do. And deep down I can’t help but feel that he wanted or needed for me to ask him to leave?
Why does it feel that way? It’s like by me asking him to leave. in his mind he now has “permission” to COMPLETELY disengage from me. To go and emotionally hide. To Shut me out ( or the world).
I wonder if he feels sad or a sense of relief (that he doesn’t have to pretend anymore?)
I feel both..I’m sad and yet it feels like this heaviness in my heart and this weight I’ve been feeling from having to “carry” the relationship emotionally and not getting enough back.. has been lifted.. I feel emotionally lighter..
When ever there was some sort of “crisis” in our relationship. When I was at a major crossroads, saying I need more..This isn’t my definition of a healthy relationship…maybe we aren’t meant to be… He might not call for a day or so…or couldn’t be reached…f( we would at least talk on the phone at night before sleep to say goodnight every night.).. and when I would finally get in touch with him…. he’d say.. “I’m exhausted, I guess I just shut down or I am overwhelmed.
I can’t remember how many times I said to him during this past year. “You know, why is it that even though we have been together now for (insert number of months here) that I still feel “single”. I don’t feel like we are a couple” I’m trying so hard to “connect” with you and your heart and I feel this resistance.. like if I get to close emotionally or try there is this imaginary hand of yours that is stretched out.. stopping me from getting any closer.
I would say.. Listen.. if you don’t love me and don’t see a future with me, It will suck, but I’ll deal with it. But you need to be honest with me.
He’d say.. You know I love you, you know how special you are to me, I just have so much on my plate.. There is (insert crisis or excuse here) and this and this and that..
And I would say.. my love that is called LIFE. There will ALWAYS be something that comes up.. but when you love someone, you juggle all that stuff around your “partner”.. not “fit” your partner in when it suits your schedule.
It took him just over a year to introduce me to his “office” mates. It took him almost a year to start introducing me as his “girlfriend”.. and I thought that was such a freak’n breakthrough.. sheesh babeesh!!!.. How pathetic is that!!!!!
We went on holidays This march..(Our first vacation together) and going through customs at the airport.. “going there”.. the agent says.. are you travelling together? EUM says no. and goes to the custom booth on his own, I go to the next one.. We meet back up and I look at him and say
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT?.. he’s like.. well.. we’re not married..
I said..that’s not what he asked.. WE ARE TRAVELLING TOGETHER !!!!
On the way back..( we had a great vacation) all of a sudden.. we were “travelling together”.
so confusing..
I really did think I was starting to lose my mind, doubt my insticts, my perceptions.
That last night.. He admitted that I wasn’t imagining anything, and said that I was very self aware, a great communicator and incredbily perceptive and that my perceptions about him and his behavior were correct. He agreed that I deserve better. he never wanted to hurt me. He doesn’t mean to frustrate me He is sorry.
Not once did he say he wanted to change. Or try and understand why he is the way he is.
*sigh*..
*sigh*..
Why is is that when we spent time together..Like a full day on the weekend ( I always had to ask him to arrange it so we could spend an entire day together..he would spend his weekend days building his new house)… I would feel so full, then come monday morning.. I would feel empty and lonely.
I thought it was odd that he never felt the desire or need to (no matter how busy our schedules are) to want to pop by to give me a kiss or cuddle goodnight. We only live about 20 minutes from eachother.
It’s like we are together, but it was so surface. Sure we’d go out with friends, and to family functions and celebrations. His family really is wonderful to me. My family has welcomed him. But I started to get really sensitive when people and friends would say, “things are going well?, you think you guys will move in together?.. And I am like.. I don’t know.. I have no idea, he never talks about a future together, he never talks about “us” and dreams and plans.
It’s like everything in our relationship I had to ASK for.
I’d say..
after different stages and natural growth milestones in relationships that just generally happen…nothing was “natural”
I had to tell him, that I don’t feel special and it hurts when you don’t call me everyday or talk to me. We had been going out 5 months and I said, do you not find it odd that you have no desire to speak with me everyday? that you don’t have a general desire to find out about my day, about you sharing your day?..
Eventually when he sensed I was about “done” He would do things..but it was weird.. he’d call and say… Hi… see.. I’m calling you just to say hi…( like whoohoo…look at what I great guy I am.. I’m calling you like a good boyfriend) look and eventually I knew I could expect a call from him everynight between 9:30 and 11:00 PM when he was driving back from his house to say goodnight to me.
We did spend a fair bit of his “free” time with me. But that’s it..
NOTHING felt like it came naturally from him emotionally.
I had to push him to plan things or to think ahead for almost EVERYTHING when it came to us. Longweekend plans, vacation plans, having a full day together plan, going to a movie plan.
He would tell me he loved me on the phone, in person, when I was sad or frustrated, he would hold me, cuddle (snog?) with me in his arms and tell me he loved me very much.
Why couldn’t I feel it?.. Why didn’t it seem “real” or genuine?
Everytime I would really question him on what I perceived him not wanting this relationship or not trying.. he would look at me with his amazing blue eyes and say.. “just love me”. It felt so cruel, because I was giving him 120% of myself and my love and it felt like I only got “crumbs” back. But I would take the crumbs.
and the cycle/pattern would start again.
This is the longest silence from him I experienced since January.
I sent him an email the other day. My healing letter. I know he received it, he sent me a return receipt.. but nothing else.
Ann August 18th, 2007, 9:02 pm
Hi J in Canada, I am in Devon, England (((waving back)))
I had a similar incident to your travel and customs episode. We went to purchase a new sofa and when it came to filling out the form for the credit deal on offer, the sales guy asked his marital status he said with full conviction that he was single. I dug him up for it later and he said, well we are not married are we? true, but he could have at least said that we were an couple.
We have been on several holidays together but on each occasion he has sabbotaged it in some way: being moody, withdrawn and just down right inflexible (he hates the beach and hot sunshine) I have decided never to go on holiday with such a type again because when I get back I feel annoyed at having spent so much money not enjoying myself!
What did you say in your healing letter?
Hi anonymous
I too am Scottish but I don’t think that it is a Scottish trait, my guy is English public school - maybe a contributory fact… yes it is good to share this stuff otherwise you can feel very cut off and friends just dont understant the ins and outs of it either if they have not experienced it. Have you in your psychology studies come across the roots of EUM? or what heals them?
Has anyone ever thought that they were dealing with a closet gay? I did at one point because he was so uninterested in my physically or even eyeing up other women in the summer. I quizzed him about this and as usual got the same vague non-commital response. He did have a very close friendship with a chap that died very young but as I mentioned earlier at this chap’s funeral, he was concerned that he didn’t feel as much.
Sorry J, I have not heard about any books that detail recovery from being EU. But it is not without searching. If I do discover some, I will post them here.
Wishing you all a peaceful night
J August 19th, 2007, 3:03 am
Hey Ann,
What didn’t I say in my “healing” letter.
I just let my heart out about everything I said could not BLAME, and I also included the “signs” and characteristics of someone who is EU…and the defintion that says that if you are involved with an EU, part of you is an EU as well.
My EUM called me today. He told me he read my letter this morning. That it was well written. He asked me to stop by his house (that he’s building) for Lunch. He had picked up lunch.. It was a very emotional afternoon.
He hugged and held me.. and we cried. i was shaking. He said that he couldn’t argue with what I wrote. That I communicate so well and it was easy to keep reading because it wasn’t angry.
He could feel the compassion in the words. That he appreciated the positive nature of the letter. He said he knew something is wrong with him, but he had no idea that he fit so many of the characteristics of being Emotionally Unavailable. He said.. He hasn’t been like this always. But it has happened before. He says he’s not happy within himself and that he is lacking desire at work, and even with his house.
That
I said to him.. I went online and thought maybe you were dating women all over the world. He looked puzzled. I said, other woman were describing their EUM and I said there were so many similarities..that I thought they could all be dating him.. He laughed.
He shared a little more of his issues with me. I shared more with him. Out of respect, I don’t want to go into detail. But it was very emotional, very cleansing and very enlightening.
He looked at me..really looked into my eyes.. wanting me to feel him trying to connect.
We are quite the emotionally disfunctional pair at the moment .. LOL..
I now realize that I have just as many issues I need to work out. I now realize that as much he is blocked by fear.
I am also blocked by fear.
Fear of not being worthy of love, fear of abandonment, fear of not fullfilling my dreams ( which include a partner and a child or children. I’m 41+ and I’m feeling this time crunch. I also know that I probably have an unhealthy/unrealistic expectation of how a “man” , if he is the “right” one is supposed to make me feel emotionally.
I am not for a moment excusing his behavior. I know his tears and pain were real. I don’t know if he is feeling “his” pain. Or if his tears and emotion was because he was feeling “my” pain.
how he was in our relationship was real. He addmitted that. He also said that I have to believe him when he says that those moments when we connected and he seemed happy and loving were real. It’s just that the fear would take over.
I had no idea how much FEAR i have inside me. Sheesh babeesh, I AM A WALKING FEAR BOMB!
I know I have to work on my issues if I’m to have a healthy relationship with him. If not him then another.
I know I need to work on accepting and filling this acceptance and unconditional love that I so desire. I NEED TO FILL THAT MYSELF. Once I accept myself and unconditionally love myself. I will better be able to LOVE others unconditionally. I’m loving him with CONDITIONS.
I realize that I’m always starving for my partner (present and past) to love me unconditionally when I am not very good at loving them unconditionally, with their flaws.
I am not saying I need to have lowered expectations or lower the bar, I’m just saying I HAVE TO LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY, BEFORE I WILL EVER BE ABLE TO LOVE A MAN UNCONDITIONALLY.
He has this very - I must go it alone - attitude. Can’t rely on others.
I realized that I do as well. I desire my partner to fill up my hunger for acceptance and unconditional love, but I have this unhealthy idea that I can’t be so dependent on a man for my financial and emotional wellbeing, because I’d be broke if the relationship ended. ( nice negative thinking eh?)
I don’t know if we will be able to work through our issues together.
I know I have to work on mine.
He needs to deal and work on his.
He says he needs to get his shit together
He says he wants to find the man that I first started dating.
He told me he really is in love with me.
Before he can love me properly and if we are to have a chance, he needs to work through his stuff.
My fear is this… (rolls eyes) I fear that we will both work on our “stuff” individually and that he will be healed and move on to someone else and have the future I can see. LOL.. UGH.. . and I realize that if that is what the universe intends then so be it, it is meant to be.. but again.. like I said.. I have issues to work on..
I had a revelation at the book store picking out my latest book.
I started to look for a book for him. I was looking for a book for him to read that would help him.
A voice inside my heart said, LET IT GO. STOP TRYING TO FIX HIM. FIX YOU! LOVE YOU!..
Sooo *sigh*.. I bought the book ” Your Destiny Switch” Master your key emotions, and attract the life of your dreams!, by Peggy McColl
I’m about to start reading it.
I don’t know if we will end up together..
But I pray that we will both find healing and peace and the happiness we both truly deserve.
(((peace)))
J August 19th, 2007, 3:24 pm
Please ladies and gentleman..
If you do one good thing for yourself today or this week, this year
Please wander to the bookstore and buy ( or order online)
YOUR DESTINY SWITCH —- MASTER YOUR KEY EMOTIONS AND ATTACT THE LIFE OF YOUR DREAMS - by Peggy McColl
I am really clearly learning that from my experience with my EUM, I am just as — if not more stuck/paralyzed by fear than he is.
And realize now I have a very controlling nature in my romantic relationships about my expectations on how my guy is supposed to act and make me feel. I really understand now that the ONLY ONE WHO CAN DECIDE HOW GOOD I FEEL ABOUT ME - IS ME.
I realize that I am basically sabatoging the relationship (this one and previous ones) because I have an unhealthy expectation of what and how”partner love” is supposed to be with me.
I don’t do it in my female friendships, but because it is tied to my childhood emotional releationships with my father… it manifests itself in my romantic love relationships.
We can tap into the power of our positive emotions to change things.
I sent a not to my EUM last night after I started reading it.
I so desire unconditional love from my partner.
But I clearly - very clearly - have soooo many expecations and conditions attached to my love.
Fear has expectations
Love has no expectations.
Every emotion we feel - WE CREATE.
I am really understanding the true GIFT, the universe has given me, by naturally bringing my EUM into my world.
He is in many ways a mirror of me. Our fears manifest themselves in different ways.
When I am in relationships and things weren’t going the way I had wanted, or I wasn’t getting what I need, I would listen to that voice that said, “Okay, it’s time to take my ball and go home.” and that’s what I did..
I have questioned through out the years if that was a good thing or bad thing.
For about half of our relationship I heard that voice inside me. But then I heard an even STRONGER voice that said. Don’t walk away. Stay. This has been very confusing.
I even told my EUM. I would have left by now, but I have this voice in my soul that says. Don’t walk away from this man.
I believe now that voice is God, the creator, the universe, the higher power that wanted me to stay long enough to understand that what I am seeing in my EUM, is also inside me.
If I had left earlier. I would have done the same thing.. Nice guy, but he has issues. and moved on only to wait for ANOTHER man to come into my life and put my same “issues” onto them.
My EUM truly has been my “GIFT” from the universe. I can see CLEARLY.. now that I must ALWAYS look INWARD for my happiness.
I don’t know if we will end up together, that may not be the universe’s intention with this relationship. But I am full of gratitude and joy for what I already have and what that the universe will provide me with what I desire and need.
I trust in the Universe. I trust in myself. I have faith and confidence that I will have the life that I dream.
(((PEACE)))
Anonymous August 19th, 2007, 5:20 pm
Wow this is truley enlightening! It is not something i had thought about at all, that the problem lies within us also. I too have father issues ( he left to go back to the country he was from when i was 9..my biggest heartbreak ever!), I thought i had dealt with the fear of abandonment, rejection issues etc, i like to think i’m strong and emotionally independent, but im beginning to realize that clearly i haven’t and that perhaps i am an EUM too, intresting!
I’ve just spent the last 2 days with him and have that ‘full’ feeling, we talked constantly, he says he cant talk to anyone like he can me, i went with him to his dads birthday last week and he said family members were phoning him to ask about me, he said he told them i was his ‘girlfriend’ (That is a huge step for me) I know we love each others company so much but when we go to bed, no sex or kissing, both nights! What is this?? I have thought that because he has ‘the fear’ of intimacy that its too much for him to make that move and because i dont due to my fear of rejection, nothing happens. Its so frustrating but i hope that when he’s ready it will happen naturally. He has been really hurt in the past and one of his girlfriends had a sexual affair with one of his friends.Also in the beginning when we didnt know each other that well, a year and a half ago, we did have sex, its as if he can have sex with someone he doesnt really care about. Once, a while ago we did have sex and he came, he told me then that alot of times he has sex he doesnt come, he can only really come when he is in a relationship.I felt amazing!But now we are so much closer and the no sex has become an unspoken issue. If it was just a case of him not being into me in that way then why would he call me his girfriend and bring me a choclate love heart etc.I cant bring it up, i dont know why.The gay thing has crossed my mind in the past but i know he is definately not. Maybe he’s just not that sexual..dunno!!! Its a very odd situation. Any thoughts on this?
I feel positive though from reading your stuff as i know i have a plan of action to deal with the empty monday morning feeling coming…focus on myself and get busy!
Thanks guys.
J August 20th, 2007, 5:57 am
Hey Anonymous,
It took my boyfriend almost a year to introduce me as his girlfriend to his office mates. When I met them for drinks the first time.. most of them were gobsmacked. They had no idea that he was even seeing someone never mind a year!
I too thought this was a huge milestone.. but you know.. I’m learning this - (not intended with negativity) just because he calls me his girlfriend, tells me he loves, buys me dinner, holds me and hugs me, kisses me sweetly, makes love to me. It’s about ACTIONS, not words. If he loves me and is emotionally available, his ACTIONS will naturally -without prompting, asking, pleading, and begging… and with INTENT.. will show me that he loves me.
I looked in the mirror today and promised myself, that the only person I will give my 100 percent effort on making them fall in love with me… is ME.
I promised I would never ever put myself in a situation where I felt the need to “try” to make a man fall in love with me. If I start to feel that, I will realize that I need to step away and re-focus on myself and do an EUM check.
I know that as I work through my issues and learn to love myself unconditionally and then love others without expectations ( doesn’t mean I will lower my standards)…
I know that when I am truly happy within myself and learn to truly believe and celebrate the awesome person/woman that I am.
I know that when I live my life, truthfully, with intent to be all I can be and share my dreams with the universe in a positive way, I believe in all I have to share with the universe, that the universe (God, The Creator, Higher Power) will here and feel my energy and return it to me 10 fold.
I do not have any illusions. My blinders are off.
I went for brunch with a girlfriend today, then I popped by my EUM’s house (the one he’s building) and said.. I’m here to help. Put me to work.
I know this may sounds odd, given what’s happen in the last few days.
but after I read half that book, I realized that if I was going to heal, I had to stop resenting. I have resented him building that damn house for the past 8 or 9 months. Because he doesn’t talk about future plans or us living together or anything like that ( I have my own house), I had grown to resent, that place.
I needed to help today for :
Myself - I needed to deal with that and realize that I was creating those emotions. I needed to be real with myself and my soul that what ever our issues are (mine, his, ours) .. it has nothing to do with that house!
For Him: Fear has expectations. Love doesn’t. I had never offered to help him with that house because I figured, if he’s not building it for us.. I’m not helping. It’s my fear. He has tried to explain to me for MONTHS, whenever I got frustrated. How to him, finishing and living in this house is very important for him and his self-esteem. Today, without judgement, without expecations I just helped. I felt great. He has made it very clear that this house is HIS journey. and If I truly love him, then I need to respect that and show my support. I would do it for a friend in a heartbeat, so why wouldn’t I do it for him.
Will this mean I expect him to help me around my place? (He hasn’t yet)
No. Would it be nice? Yes.
The only actions I can control are mine.
I felt very real and true to my soul today.
Please don’t confuse this with thinking that I think everything is all better and we’ll live happily ever after.
I believe, have faith and know that when I do my internal work, there will
be a fabulous loving, caring, passionate, EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE man that the universe will bring me… He will will love me for me. Because I already love me for me. He will be a compassionate, funny, caring, loving, intelligent, articulate, successful man, because that is who I am ( woman ) The key difference.. is that I will be emotionally available in the sense that I will not not transfer my “issues” from my childhood onto the man in my relationship.
I am not making any excuses for my EUM. I love him, but he still needs to do the work on his issues. I can’t help him with that.
If he does and I do… then we have a chance.
If not…Our destiny’s will be different.
Only time will tell. No more empty feeling…. from now on.. we fill “ourselves” up.
When we do that, we are ensuring that the “man” in our life deserves us!
(((peace)))
J August 20th, 2007, 10:25 pm
I made a call to a therapist I have seen in the past. Met with her today.
*sigh*..
Why is it that I can download and share all this stuff with my closest friends, my partner and one hour with this woman, makes me feel so much lighter emotionally. *sigh*..
Shared with her the same stuff.. about him, about me..
No solutions of course.. but agrees, basically
He’s emotionally unavailable - has major fears — that prevent him from emotionally establishing, involving, connecting with a love partner.
She said this is very very common with many many men.
She agreed (knowing my history) that I have alot of my “own” issues - FEAR —regarding transferring my childhood issues into my romantic male relationships ( trying so hard to connect with my father emotionally)…
She said he does probably love me - it’s just what he knows and he is saying it in his own way/language -what he knows.
She recommended the book. THE 5 LANGUAGES OF LOVE.
She also agreed that the fact that I can see that his arrival in my life is a GIFT.. a gift to one another of having someone that can help me learn more about myself.. and HEAL.. and an opportunity for us to help HEAL eachother.. only if we are both willing to do the work..
Whatever happens.. I have to be prepared (WHICH I AM).. to do my work formyself - by myself.. whether he is prepared to work on us or not.
I knew that.. but it felt good to hear her remind me..
I really feel better.
I really need to hear from you guys!!!! Hello? Everybody okay?
Be good to yourself!
Anonymous August 21st, 2007, 10:51 am
Hi J, glad your feeling better and doing work on yourself. Im just wondering myself what the work is? The only thing i do that helps is try and get busy,but here i am in the library just now studying for a resit (first one in 3 years, due to spending all my time analysying my ‘relationship’) and again im finding it sooo hard to concentrate as cant get my mind to focus due to analysing my weekend with EUM….AAAARGH!! Also i read alot of good self help books in order to make myself feel better, buddism books to help me detach and let go and various others but when i do i end up thinking of him and his issues and feeling sorry and deeply FOR HIM and i wonder sometimes how much it really helps, all this analysing! We obviously all have analyitcal minds and sometimes i cant help feeling its a bit of an affliction, thinking too much!! I dont know..confused, sorry if im sounding negative but it seems no matter how much i read, for myself, i still would drop anything to be with this man when it scomes to the crunch.The only thing i can see helping us move on is no contact but that feels impossible, im scared of wasting my time and ending up with nothing but regrets.I dont know, just dont know.
I talked to a counsiller about it a while ago when i was desperately trying to ‘get out’ I told him i thought i was involved with a narcissist, then i thought maybe he was a sociopath, then gay, now just plain old heartbroken. I have spent soo long trying to figure him out. The counsiller helped for a day or two but it feels like OCD and as long as contact remains i seriously feel like it wont change.
Im going now to try so hard to take my mind away from this for a bit and study, that will def make me feel better, doing things that i want to achieve, setting myself goals, being a good mum, they help my self esteem.Im going to avoid the self help reading for abit, unless on here as it feels like its just another way i engadge with HIM!
Big Love!!
I
J August 22nd, 2007, 3:30 pm
Hey A -
I hear you!!!!
It’s funny isn’t it. I have a WALL of self-help relationship books that I’ve collected over the years. The first instinct or pattern I have when a relationship isn’t working or ends, is to to run out and find a book to help me heal..
- That’s exactly what I’ve done in this relationship..
Lets see - around the 4 or 5 months mark - I was so frustrated and hungry to reach him and connect I went out and bought
- What men want women to Know
- What women want men to Know (read it then gave it to him…he still hasn’t read it)
- another about figuring out the patterns in previous relationships…
- Now the DESTINY SWITCH.. is my latest.
- I have ordered -The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing by Patti Henry .
One of my first appointments when I’m struggling in a relationship, or it ends ( I’ve gone JUST for myself for various reasons when I am not dating)
is to my therapist.
Like you. I’m always analyzing my relationship. ALWAYS. Could it really be an affliction?
What did that mean, He didn’t do that - what message is he trying to send me. He did this - what message is he trying to send me. He did this - ohhhh then he must love me.. If I do this…- it will help him understand -
If I do that - it will help him understand.. AND ON AND ON AND ON.
I am so confused still - because like you. I find cutting myself completely off from him very difficult.
I saw him Sunday. Only because I popped by on my own.
- When I left that night. At the door he kissed me and said - I’ll call you tomorrow.
- Monday morning - I email him another letter. Basically saying.. I love you . I can’t continue like this. I need to work on “my” issues. You say you need to work on “your” issues. But if we are to have a chance, there needs to be a working on “us” at the same time.
I spoke about, how if this is important to both of us, that it is not about words anymore. It’s about our ACTIONS.. blah blah blah.
That’ I’m ready to do the work,
I pray he is,
and that our actions or inactions will make things very clear, very quickly.
- NEVER HEARD FROM HIM ALL DAY MONDAY.
- NEVER HEARD FROM HIM ALL DAY TUESDAY
No phone, email, or text. NADDA
Because I am a glutton for punishment, pop by his house (the one he is building) on my way home from a 12 hour day at work - saw his truck there. Knocked on the door.
He was painting.
He’s smiling when he sees me.
He looks very happy to see me.
He invites me in.
No hug, No kiss, No addressing the letter.
He tells me he took the day off of work and spent the entire day, working inside, takes me for a tour to show me all he has accomplished.
He asks about my day - because he knew how busy and important and big it was for me. Wants the details,
I’m still stuck on —-He hasn’t called for two days…
I’m still stuck on —–if he knew it was such a big day for me, why he didn’t call to say…Hey, I know you have a HUGE day tomorrow.. just want to let you know I’m thinking of you.
He offers me some Pizza and a drink of water
I talk more about work.
He also talks about everything around the house, about his meeting the other day, how he is going to take his parents to their doctors appointment (Wednesday)
I mention something else, slipping in the fact that I saw my therapist.
(nothing, no bite)
I mention that I have a charity golf tournament in September. He said he does too. I’m puzzled, because I’ve been trying to get him to go golfing since JUNE. My dad even gave me a set of clubs for him to use. We have not gone ONCE..
Now he’s like
He says we have to go golfing soon together, because he needs to practice.
He talks about the game Friday - How he’s looking forward to it
I’m thinking to myself - Really?
He says how he is looking to spending some quality time with me at the game?
I’m confused , I’m thinking to myself - You are?
You still want to do to the game with me, hang out with me and my family and act like “everything is okay”.
I look at him confused.
He smiles
I say I should go..and get up
He talks about how he’ll be there late
He says I’d hug you but I don’t want to get you dirty. He kisses me goodnight.. (surface kiss) (our first and only contact for about the 45 minutes I was there)
I look into his eyes and try to understand.
I am just more confused.
I just turn and leave without saying goodbye, without saying goodnight.
I walk to my car without saying goodbye. He’s standing there. watching.
He waves and smiles at me as I drive away.
I wave back - confused
I get home and my neighbour is having wine with some friends. He invites me over. I have enough to get tipsy.
Then I get a text late last night about 11PM
You out? You still up or you asleep?
I text back.
Up - call if you like!
Nothing,
nothing
nothing
Then I call.
I said did you get my text, he’s like no
(I don’t believe him)
He’s like oh where are you sounds like you are having fun..I should let you go. (I FREAK’N HATE THAT)
I said no I am at B’s.. having a drink..with him and some of his friends (girls and guys)
(I don’t usually drink during the week, never mind have too much)
I said where are you?
He said at the house. he says.. “I just called to say goodnight, sweet dreams.. and I love you.:”
WHAT THE *&%^$(*&& IS THAT ABOUT?
I said like an IDIOT, you coming over?
He said, no.
ANONYMOUS - I’m starting to really feel you are on to something…I really am wondering if I need to cut off ALL contact with him. NOT CALL, NOT INITIATE CONTACT, NO POP BY’S.
Why do I do this? Because I am afraid - fear that if I don’t .. HE WON’T..
I am sooooo afraid of rejection, emotional rejection, that I do things to excuse his behavior and make contact.
That’s MY issue.
What would happen if I didn’t do anything?
The reality is.. If I didnt do anything. And he didn’t call, write, email - for a day, two days, three days..(I haven’t been able to leave it past 2 days yet)…
I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THE ANSWER.
I DON’T WANT TO BELIEVE THE ANSWER
Which is this man
doesn’t call me because - he has no desire to
He is happy to see me - but he would have been just as happy if he didn’t see me
He is looking forward to spending time with me Friday.
The reality is He would look forward to spending tme with anyone or no one Friday.
He is emotionally unavailable.
His ACTIONS showed me that he isn’t interested in working on “us”..
His ACTIONS say, that this is who he is, where he is at, and that expecting anything more than a surface - relationship will only cause me pain.
WHY do we keep doing this to ourselves?
I am the one that keeps going back.
I am the one that keeps trying to fix things.
I think his lack of EVERYTHING, is probably his biggest TRUTH.
He is being who he is…. and he appears to comfortable with that..
I am the one that is not comfortable, that isn’t happy, that wants, desires, dreams.. about us.. blah blah blah..
How do we fix it? How do I fix and “work” on myself..
I’m starting to feel, that FULL ON NO CONTACT WILL HAVE TO BE MY NEXT STEP…
I know there is something inside me..is broken. miswired, needs to heal within me… so i won’t have the desire to keep running into an emotional brick wall, over and over and over again.
Healthy people, run into the brick wall, maybe once and maybe twice…
and decide, This hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore and the CHOOSE, not to keep doing that to themselves.
They will either walk away and choose a different path, journey.
They will go on living their life, and if the wall comes down, decide to enter then…
But a healthy person does NOT, keep running into the wall OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN, by choice.
Only an unhealthy relationship person will continue to inflict emotional pain unthemselves by running into the wall. Or trying to smash the wall down..
UGH..
PEACE
LA August 22nd, 2007, 3:39 pm
One of the secrets to happiness is total acceptance. No attachments, no aversions bring peace of mind. These men will never change, you cannot make them DO anything. Their actions have nothing to do with you. It is THEIR internal programming, just like you have your internal programming. They are who they are. If you don’t like it leave. Maybe, if you let some of this anger and resentment go and allowed things to flow naturally you would have much better relationships. Many times it is not about him it is about you. Stop trying to force.
J August 22nd, 2007, 5:13 pm
Hey LA,
thanks for your words.
The reality that for the first time in myself.. I CLEARLY realise that it is me.
I need to change how I am in male/female relationships.
Flow naturally - this seems to be something that I struggle with, because, I have been in more than one relationship where I don’t feel (again, my internal programming) that it flows naturally.
By that I mean… eventually I think my “childhood internal little girl programming” kicks in and says..
If he likes/cares about me/if I was special to him/If he loves me/If he is “that” into me,
that he would NATURALLY want to
- emotionally connect
- want to be more invested in my life
-want me to be more invested in his life
- create, nuture and build a loving emotionally secure relationship.
I understand now that I need to do ALL those things and many more for myself and live my life that way, without expecting to find a guy to fill that part up in me.
I get that,
But why is it so hard to WALK AWAY. Why am I so bent on trying to reach him .. I know I CAN’T MAKE HIM do anything..
He has always said to me.. He never does anything he don’t want to do.
And he doesn’t! He is very true to himself
He doesn’t want to see me. He doesn’t
He doesn’t want to call me (for days) He doesn’t
He doesn’t want to emotionally invest or make a heart connection with me. He doesn’t. My therapist says, it’s not that he doesn’t want to. It could be that he really can’t at the moment because of all the fear.
Just as I have my fears..
Your statement about Natural Flow.. touches me.. because…I really have to embrace that.. I know that.. but understanding How.. is where my heart
and soul feels stuck.
When I feel things aren’t flowing naturally in a relationship - I tell them..LOL.. I’ve said, I don’t understand why it doesn’t feel like things are flowing naturally.. happening naturally like….then I start to try and direct or redirect the flow..
Resentment, Anger, Frustration, - Any other emotion other than LOVE is a manifestation of FEAR…. I know that..
I know I need to walk away.. and leave.. Not for him. But for me, to HEAL..
But, when I do, his programming kicks in and says… - WHOA –.. must get to to re-engage..So he turns it on… I am not saying that this is an intentional decision to “play me”…. I think it’s so programmed in him, just as my fear is..
I understand the gift, we’ve been given to see these patterns. I can only speak for myself..
I want to heal. I want to have a healthy relationship with an amazing man, because deep down I know that I am an amazing woman. Amazing person. But deep down, DEEP DEEP DEEP down.. I don’t “feel” that about myself.. .I don’t live my life that way. I live my life and incorrectly think that that part will happen when I meet the “right guy”..
I know that is silly..
I know I need to “allow things to flow naturally”
This is must be a mantra I live.. from now on..
Thanks, LA,
(((Peace)))