Over at answerology, a reader asks “Do you think that emotionally unavailable really just equals he/she is just not that into you?” Truth be told, the answer isn’t a clear-cut ‘no’, but when you are faced with a Mr Unavailable’s behaviour, they act the way they do regardless of who you are. It’s not about you, it’s about him. The trouble with wanting an emotionally unavailable man is that it can cater to something within you which allows you to be drawn to someone who is emotionally ambivalent, which in turn makes you think that you need to work harder to win him over. He’s just not that into his emotions. He’s just not that into relationships. You could lay the world and yourself at his frigging feet and it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference. He’s self absorbed, narcissistic and focused on the short term fringe benefits of being with you. He gets the sexual, the social, and the emotional benefits, with little or no concern for the impact on you in the short, medium, and long term.
If you persist in trying to be with an emotionally unavailable man, in spite of his behaviour, on some level it sends a message that you’re not happy either. Because the bulk of women that are attracted to and become involved with emotionally unavailable men are actually emotionally unavailable themselves and commitment-phobe’s (whether they know it or not), by sticking around, he realises that something can’t be right with you either. Deep inside he knows that you shouldn’t want him as he has nothing to offer but crumbs. But this is actually a very minor part of it…
Ultimately, emotionally unavailable doesn’t equal he (or she) is just not that into you. People can either tell you that they’re emotionally unavailable, not ready for a relationship, or not interested or they can show you, because actions speak louder than words. It all comes down to whether you want to hear the words/heed the signs. Human nature can have us putting ourselves at the centre of the reason when in actual fact, true emotional unavailability occurs independently of whoever they engage with. It was there before you became involved with them, it’ll be there when you become involved with them, and until they resolve their issue, it’ll still be there long after you’ve had the sense to make a run for it.
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thank you karen I do feel calmer now and you are right it all comes back to our choices and if I choose to engage then the consequences are mine.
Hi Charisse, I think your guy was seeing if he could still contact you and you would still run to him once he got his answer he no longer needed to try or put any effort in. The message to him was yes she still responds to me so I’ll keep her on the back burner for future reference when whatever he has going on drys up. It does hurt and I dont balme you one bit for being angry because you don’t deserve the treatment you are getting.
I have given myself a rough ride lately… I didn’t realise how many mixed messages this guy was giving me must have only heard what I wanted to hear..
So I have stopped all contact from my side and I managed day 7 with ease and day 9 was harder but I did it so now its day 13 with absolutely no contact either side. He doesn’t occupy my thoughts as much all of this is an achievement for me though 13 days is a short amount of time it is something I haven’t accomplished in the past. I have no set date to see him like I did in August and September another achievement. I just take one day at a time. I don’t know all what to do because I haven’t said to him hey this is over and don’t contact me and I don’t want to break my no contact to tell him this….. So I’ll just leave it I guess.
I hope others are doing well .. very grateful for the people here and what I learn .. ty
Tulipa, there is no need to tell him that it is over, just stick with NC.
I did, I just cut contact and it took me a long time to understand why he wouldn’t try to make contact. NML told me, if he needs something, he may get in touch.
Why would he do that? To use me, this is all about these guys, it was never about us and if you keep telling to yourself just that, you will understand and starting feeling better. See, I don’t want to be somebody’s Plan B anymore, I want to have a normal relationship, but you can’t have one with these type of guys.
You know, a friend of mine told me a while ago: Can you please stop putting this idiot into a NORMAL bucket, he is not NORMAL, never was and never will be!
This dude is in his early fifties and he bought a one way ticket to LA LA Land a long time ago.
Please stop wasting your time, I wasted over 3 years – 3 years, that is almost unbelievable. Stick with NC – have you read NML’s book? If not, I highly recommend it, I have certain pages highlighted for quick reading should I start to doubt myself or catch myself cutting him slacks.
I also have a good circle of friends and they promised me that, should I ever be in contact or even seeing him again or date another assclown like him, their “punishment” will be severe. It is all said for fun, but you see at times we can’t or don’t want to see them for what they really are – but everybody else can.
Hi Tulipa-
Since I sent that email to my EUM saying he is not to contact me two months ago, he never has. He even has a new girlfriend (one of the other women who he screwed around with while he was screwing me). I know this through mutual friends. Say if I had gone back to him, he would still be hitting me up for sex and then hitting this other woman that he is supposedly dating for sex too. God only knows if there are even other women in the loop. I respect myself and when I found out he was screwing other women, that was it. I was like I am out of here. I just remind myself all the time that I want to be with a normal, one woman type of man and I simply will not accept anything less. I guess he sent a mutual friend of ours a poem about how this woman dumped him and how sad he was. He was sad that he lost his plan B backup plan. Please, do your self a favor and cut of contact with a man who does not respect you. Even if my EUM came crawling back and said he loves me, I would tell him to never speak to me again because he had his chance to show me he was a decent man and he choose to shop around for someone better. I will never allow myself to be treated like that ever again by a man. There are decent men out there and trying to negotiate and beg and plead for love from someone is messed up… stay strong. Set up personal rules for yourself of things that you will and won’t accept. It will save you time and heartache….
Hi Astelle and Karen thank you both for your replies.. you are correct I am nothing more than plan b so I have no doubt he will ring me sometime in the future. I have walked this road before am doing so much better letting this eum go than my last long term eum. This eum is a much nicer person too but it doesn’t excuse him and what he did… I feel if I left sex in the equation I would be hearing from him.. but I need to start telling myself its not about me and I can’t do a thing to change it…
Thing that bugs me is I feel if he did call he could and would draw me back in I don’t quite know what to do when he calls.. thats probably why he hasn’t contacted me simply because Im still that available person that Im trying so hard not to be telling myself I deserve far better than what he offers… that I don’t need him I lived my life before he came along and I can do the same thing now he has gone… I tell myself he is selfish and doesn’t care over and over I tell myself he’s just not into me … keeps me from contact .. but doesn’t quite answer what to do when he calls…
Sounds like you are doing well, Karen and thank you same to you Astelle I have followed many of your posts … good stuff
ARGH !!!! I was doing so well I got to day 18 me at day 18 so happy because my thinking had changed I had turned my thinking around to how many days I hadn’t contacted him or texted him or anything rather than how many days since he’d been in touch with me… I was happy I had realised that I had 12 days to reach 30 days….
but one thing that has shifted with for me he no longer controls my ups and downs like he called but it has made me no happier than I was prior to him calling so that is something now just to stop spilling my guts and I’m set.. I can do polite should he call with some practice..
AND the he called me …. slump… because I spoke to him and he pried into my business and I didn’t say thats none of your business etc. it was quite personal stuff too.. so
And another good thing was I made no mention of catching up again neither did he.. so another positive…
But I feel he ruined what I was going for my 30 days …. still 18 days well 19 days now of no texting I stand and applaud myself…
Hope everyone is doing well … again very grateful for this web site … done me so much good …
Tulipa, Nope. The concept. is “No Contact” (outside normal, polite business exchanges of information). The calendar now reads ” No days since last contact:.” Sorry.
As Nancy Reagan (and Mama Cass Elliot in “Words of Love”) put it, ‘Just say “No!”‘ and disconnect. No repeats, don’t listen, don’t respond.
When he started getting personal, a brief “That feels rude.” or “That is private” would lead to discussions of why, and how, and it used to .. He may have been allowed to know and discuss private stuff in the past, but “No more.”
Well, anyway, sorry you fell off the wagon. I hope the bruises don’t hurt too much, and that he can’t see the bruises. Like everyone else trying to change, let’s get you dusted off and back on the wagon.
Tulipa, I have to ask you, what is so important about the 30 days mark??
What would have happened after 30 days?
How did he riun “it” or what did he “ruin”?
You think he doesn’t control your ups and downs, but he is still in CONTROL!
You answered his call, right? By talking to him, he gave you that “up”.
He made no comment about catching up? Not yet! That will be coming soon.
He is trying to reel you back in… and you know how the story will end, right?
You said, you can do polite when he calls, why is that important? You are the important one, you will end up in La La land again…
Please be careful or your heart will never heal…
Brad, another good post. I am just wondering, it seems to me lately that you show more empathy for us than EVER before.
Did you fall in Love with somebody over the last few weeks if you don’t mind me asking?
Keep up the good work and your support!
Astelle,
Umm, thanks? And no, I haven’t.
Hello and thank you for the responses,
I was rading a book and it suggested a 30 day period of no contact and once you hit the 30 day mark then you are supposed to feel differently they actually suggest a 60 day period but also a 30 day period to feel better… He ruined my 30 day mark by calling me I didn’t think he would call but he did…
I dunno I feel I have to be polite manners were so very important in our family.. so to hang up on someone would be considered rude…
Brad ty no the bruises aren’t bad I feel like something has shifted in me and I had a feeling I’d be back to zero but Ive stayed away from texting…
I dunno about him suggesting we will catch up ..I doubt cos there isn’t anything in for him anymore…
Thanks again…
Tulipa,
Remember – the No Contact Rule is not about polite, is not about courtesy, is not about reputation, or kindness or generosity.
NC is about self defense. You are trying to protect yourself from a known threat.
If the guy had physically attacked you, you would feel fear at his approach or contact, everyone from the police to friends, family, and neighbors would be active in defending you from him, would jump in to keep him away from you.
His pattern of abuse may be more subtle, and less visible to others. But you know and I know you need to keep him away just as if he were liable to attack you physically.
Yes, you have to be polite, you need to keep contact with people for your own health and healing. But for this one bozo, you need to defend yourself. You need to panic, a bit, every time he tries to contact you. Your precious life and self esteem and well being have to come before anything this proven predator might want. There is nothing he could possibly offer, that won’t hurt you again. No Contact is a protective plan meant to defend you from more hurt while you begin to heal.
Or look at it this way. Think of a recovering alcoholic. An alcoholic that wants to quit drinking quickly learns that there is one enemy above all others – that first drink. Because that first drink, after quitting, inevitably starts a slide back into the abyss. NC is just that – no contact. Because the first time he plays on your courtesy, your politeness, your generosity, you begin the slide back into the abyss.
Yes, I *do* mean you have to *fear* letting him contact you. Because NC, and the healing that NC protects, is the only way out of a life of EUM after painful EUM.
Don’t think of this guy you used to know, that used to be a part of your life, as an acquaintance. Think of him as someone that you now know is dangerous to you. He is someone to avoid. He is now your enemy. Don’t consider a truce, don’t surrender – protect yourself from his attacks of phone calls and text messages and wanting to talk.
Luck!
I read what you wrote quite a while back, Brad, and have been thinking about it ever since .. Its true I do need to protect myself from him because unfortunately he still to some degree can dictate my feelings.. even thoough i have worked ha
Tulipa, The danger here is that you, like all of us, want nice things, want to be comfortable, want to feel safe, and needed, and cherished. And in the past you had these feelings around the bozo, or at least a fantasy of these feelings. Any contact at all is a threat to you – not because he has control over you, but because in your desire for closeness, you give away control to your emotions, you let your longings and desires rule you.
You offer yourself, and hope he will be ‘good’ this time. .. Or next time, maybe.
The danger is that you might let yourself see your longings and desires, instead of the history of who he has proven himself to be – a danger to you. He is someone that touches the very best of you, and then hurts you through neglect, through disrespect, through deceit and manipulation and cheating.
The biggest danger he represents is not what he will do to you, or that he will control your emotions – the greatest danger is that you will overlook, again, the signs and warnings that you know, when you think about it, set this bozo apart from guys that might make a worthwhile mate. That you will try to appease an uncaring bastard instead of build a healthy life with a healthy lifetime partner.
Blessed be!
thank you brad
made all the classic errors tonight well actually last night but they spilled over into tonight
I texted some stupid thing because i had temporarily lost my marbles and tonight he rang me in regards to my text and I tried to explain my text how he hardly contacts me anyway and I didn’t think we had a friendship and all contact seems to come via me etc. so he invites me to lunch and generally craps on I can’t stand it ..
I did not agree to lunch but didn’t disagree either… I feel so damn weak sometimes and I was doing well just had an insane moment no regret it big time …. lesson learnt
Tulipa, the proof is in the pudding. You aren’t over him, or past the relationship. You would never have sent such a text to me, or to my neighbor. You sent a personal text – to him.
Who was it that said that there is a fine line between love and hate? Each binds us to another, and just about as closely. You don’t hate me (I hope!), or my neighbor .. hopefully. You may be unsure whether you love or hate your maybe-sometime-ex guy, or maybe you feel a bunch of things for him.
Some people try to escape from the drama – throw themselves into work, or a new playfriend, or drugs. This lets the hurt diminish, but doesn’t address resolving anything, and doesn’t help build a happier life down the road. OK, so the work part would help some.
Time will dim the sharpness of his memory, regardless of what you do. How closely your emotions and attention remain engaged with him, with your feelings, with the failed relationship – with your hopes and fears about love, and life, and the future – depends on how much you stay focused on him and the past.
The old saw about “the way to get over him/her is to find someone new” hits on one part – finding someone or something that you can devote your attention to. On the other hand, it overlooks the basic problem, of why you chose the last guy, and how you go about choosing better in the future. There are many distractions, from good friends to shopping (ouch!) to crafts and hobbies and destructive stuff.
For practicing to pick better, to learn why you chose someone that turned out to be inappropriate, you need feedback. That might be a counselor, some good friends, or a lot of thought and introspection, a journal. For some the answer might be a catharsis, you write a long letter of all your feelings and hopes and hurts about him, and about your relationship – then you burn the danged thing before anyone ever sees it.
A journal, for some, would let you watch how your feelings change over time, as you recognize strengths and weaknesses in what you wrote yesterday, or last month, or last year. You would be writing your own guide to growth. And it works.
Some families are a source of wisdom and guidance – an aunt, a grandmother, a cousin. Or a friend that is really good at listening. You might find explaining everything to your dog or cat to be helpful – they would *never* spill your secrets.
But you do have to decide there are other things in your life. Not just a distraction, something worthwhile that will engage your attention for a time. For now, you have to have something that needs your attention, whenever thoughts turn to him or the past.
Be aware when anger or fear first hits.
It will take 28 minutes, on average, for the adrenaline to clear your system.
It will be 28 minutes, on average, before adrenaline stops affecting your thinking.
When it hits, take a calming breath. It takes several minutes for adrenaline to peak, so you really can ‘short circuit’ or interrupt the buildup to a full-blown panic attack or outburst of rage and fury.
Do allow time before acting on an impulse to let him know just how you feel. First, because it is inappropriate – he is no longer an intimate companion. You cannot afford such intimate displays to a casual acquaintance – it is rude and unwarranted. Next, the issue is your feelings. You have to acknowledge your feelings or they will overpower you – no one is strong enough to deal with denied feelings, it won’t work. Find private ways to express yourself. Paint a room, clean the oven, bake a cake or batch of cookies, walk the stairs for 30 minutes, knit or crochet a pot holder, change the head gasket on your car, wish your parents a good day. Write in a journal, or bad poetry or haiku or an epic tale of make-believe love and tragedy. Study something interesting – photography, material about your faith. Feng-chui, flower arranging, gravel raking (in the garden or a small tray, it’s Japanese in origin).
Just, when you feel something strongly, do something with it – that doesn’t involve .. uh, whoever that might have been, since we don’t want to talk about .. uh, that bozo-guy .. any more.
Hello Brad, Firstly no I don’t hate you you give very good insight and I’m grateful..
For the most part especially when I am tempted to text him stupid things I do distract myself for a while there my ironing basket was on empty and I kept a journal and wrote very cheesy bad lyrics all of which helped tremendously. But I made an error of letting my emotions get the better of me because he had become a person who did not follow up on his word and when we were dating he was did follow up on his word if he said he would call he did so it was my belief this would follow into into our alledged friendship he would say talk to you soon then I expected those words to be true. So I admit my way of handling things when his words were false was childish and immature and I should have been busy with something.. Often I will write out my text and put in my save box wait an hour or so and re read it and decide not to send it and have always been glad I left it.
But am I supposed to stay quiet and say nothing to him about his words being meaningless?? Am I not supposed to say anything (in a much adult way) ?? I did in some respects feel over him and moved on.. He feels like I haven’t moved on because I did express myself about how I was feeling so what am I meant to do??
I definately see a very bad pattern in my dating and have found myself a counsellor to sort out issues..
I have come to the realization for the 50th time that I am responsible for me and if I don’t like something then get out of the situation..
Thank you, Brad, hard to read about the proof being in the pudding thing .. but there it is …
Tulipa – Luck!
The message is loud and clear LEAVE THE ASSCLOWN ALONE do not get involved.. and if it is so unsatisfying get out…
Thanks for the wishes of luck I need it..
I thought I would check in. I have NC with my crazy ex EUM whatsoever and he has now moved on to date another woman. It is tough and after I sent that email that said don’t contact me ever again- it worked. Even though it is painful I am glad he is not in my life. It just took some good old fashioned will power to kick him to the curb. A couple of months later, I am starting to realize that I am dealing with unresolved anger. I realize one reason I was holding on is because I just could not handle being dumped. I could not believe this guy did not love me or whatever. But it happens to everyone at some point and the need for “control” is what maybe keeps someone hanging on? anyways- not only do I realize this EUM is toxic but a part of me just never wanted to accept it was over because I did not like the idea of “losing”. Anyways- I just wanted to say I hope everyone is doing okay. Stay committed to loving yourself and working towards resolving those unresolved issues.
Can anyone help. I have been dating a guy for 9 months and the relationship has just come to an end. Initially he did all the chasing in a way I have never experienced, phone calls, texts, cards telling me how pleased he was to have met me, etc. All seemed to be fine, but I have been feeling for a while that he has become more withdrawn, nothing specific. I challenged him about it last week and he said he needed time to think about it. We met this week and he said it was over, that he couldnt maintain a commitment to a relationship, etc. Said it wasnt me and hoped we could still be friends. He lets no one close to him. Do you think he could be EUM
Karen, EUM is a pattern. Often the guy fits the EUM pattern – which seems to have more ups and downs, more deceit than you describe. The other part of the pattern is to continue picking partners that fit the EUM pattern. And that is tough to say right now, too.
I was told that a guy has a responsibility, when dating, to have fun. If it isn’t fun, he is responsible for walking away – that might be what happened.
If you want a life mate, then the first thing you would be looking for would be character, and aptitude, and skills that a life-mate should have. Good emotional bonds in his life, children and animals in his care thrive, he is dependable as the sunset at end of day. He may not be big on gifts or romance, but you never doubt his respect for you. Honor and care for others is a big part of his life.
When you start out dating as a way to find “that special someone” you have to make the dates work, *and* know that you and your partner are interested in being life-mates, *and* at some important moment – you both change. You change from dating for social recreation to courtship to build a home and family.
It almost sounds like you got to the point where you should have changed from dating to courtship and demand to already be at a life-mate stage without actually making the change – and he wasn’t aware of your changes, and hasn’t found a need within himself to also change.
I find the odds of both daters being interested in, and capable of, changing to a courtship at anywhere near the same time is slim. Often daters are just that – perpetual daters, with no concept of a long-term relationship, and no interest in anything more than a live-in “convenient” dating lifestyle.
I have also been told that relationships are 100% and completely unbalanced. That is, a relationship is all the woman’s responsibility, and all on his terms. The flip side is that if she isn’t please with him – she drops him for someone worthwhile. His responsibility? If she doesn’t make dating fun for him (that is, enjoyable, not the same as intimate), he is responsible for leaving. Once there are promises and vows, and a home, then things begin to balance. Each becomes responsible for the care and nurture of everyone.
And that is another danger of dating for too long. A date is always with a guest. You don’t learn to belong to each other, or to feel at home – the invitation can be withdrawn just because someone is unhappy – or loses interest. I hear people talk about how you need to date for years to get to know someone, and I wonder why you don’t use other means to learn whether they are a reasonable partner prospect. Things like getting to know his friends and family, and observing how function those ties are. Things like learning how well respected he and his work are where he works. In a small community you have other reputations and circles to keep your eyes on.
I know breaking things off hurts. But if you aren’t happy making him happy – then you are both facing the problem that your relationship isn’t working for both of you. No one ever knows “the whole story”, but this guy just sounds unhappy and honest. Not every relationship works out. Sorry.
I agree with Brad, at least he is honest and told you it is over.
A lot EUM’s either disappear or string you along.
Jaren, how did you meet him? Online dating or a bar etc.
Hi, met him online. He was so keen to start with, I have never been pursued like he pursued me! We seemed to be getting so well, but I just noticed a slight change in him as if he had withdrawn a little. When I questioned him about it he said he is not able to allow anyone close to him and blames it on the sudden loss of his father when he was very young. he just said he felt the relationship wouldnt work because he couldnt give the commitment to maintain it. Went to great lengths to say it wasnt me and that the fault was in him. It was so weird because he was crying and cuddling me when i he was telling me this. He says he really wants to stay friends and keep in touch?
Online, you will find a lot of EUM’s online. Since it is dating site, he was propably seeing other women as well.
You probably shouldn’t keep in touch with him, this way he can fall back on you if the dating pool dries up. This is to string you along. You can’t be friends with him, you have feelings for him and with him trying to be friends with you, he will have one foot in your life.
Keeping in touch, being “friends” will benefit only HIM, you may put your life on hold and wait for him and that is not good.
Can I ask how old he is? Have you seen him a lot during the 9 months, have you been over at his place? Met his friends or family?
Very similar story; crocodile tears included.
You can’t stay friends with these guys, as they will try to reel you right back in. I guarantee you will be on the same roller coaster ride if you agree to a friendship.
Did you ask him why he pursued you if he knew he had a problem??
Did ask why and he said he hadnt intended to hurt me but no more than that. Dont think he was seeing anyone else, know I met him on a dating site, but he cancelled his membership soon after we met. – saw him every weekend, sometimes during the week, went to his house, stayed there, met his children and parents. Had four holidays with him. He was 52. Spent 20 years in a marriage – was unhappy for a long time, but would not leave because he didnt want his children to grow up without a father as he had done. Just cant understand why he now feels he cant maintain the committment.
Karen, is he divorced?
Because he is incapable of letting anyone into his life. The thing with these people is that don’t care, they are just there to serve their own needs. If he knows there is a serious problem, then why does he not pursue help? This behavior is destructive and abusive and it needs to stop!
Everything is very close to my situation, except I was not included in the holidays, that was reserved for the ex-wife (who rejected and hurt him ) and adult children.
Karen,
You said, “he said he hadn’t intended to hurt me.” I’m sorry that isn’t a satisfactory answer to what he did.
Gaynor, there would be less heartache if these men would stop pursuing woman and get help first – I kind of look at it this way:
I s*ck at Golf, but I like to play, so I keep on playing.
Yeah, but then they would have to be honest with themselves, wouldn’t they??
Karen, sometimes its very simple. He met someone else or he isn’t happy. He didn’t want to hurt you. He liked you but felt sad so he made excuses. He was honest about not wanting to be with you anymore, that is not an EUM. It is what it is.
Karen, as hard as it is, when we fall in love, we have to know that sometimes feelings change, either for you or for the other person. It’s just part of life. That’s why there are so many people in the world who are afraid of commitment and afraid of getting hurt.
I met this guy 6 months ago and we’ve taken it slow in becoming friends and getting to know each other. 3 months ago we started spending more time together one-on-one. We have introduced each other to a couple of our closest friends and I have met his family. We have become very close and intimate and there hasn’t been a day where we haven’t spoken. I asked him a month ago how he felt and where this was going and he explained how he thinks I’m an amazing person but this year has been emotionally troubling. We both do have a lot going in our lives right now, especially because we will be transferring in the fall to college but there is a chance we will be going to the same school. A couple nights ago I brought the subject up again and he opened up more about what he has been going through this year and how he loves spending time with me and how I’m special but its still not the right time. He told me he isn’t saying we can never have a relationship, just not now. I asked him what would be the difference, its just a title since we already act like a couple and he told me that he takes relationships very seriously and what we have now is serious so taking that extra step would be even more intense. I talked to him about seeing other ppl and he told me that he is a very faithful person and hes not looking for ne thing else. He seemed very bummed and said he felt bad because he felt like he was being selfish because I have feelings too. We decided that we should stop being sexual but continue seeing each other. I feel like things will never be the same and I don’t want to lose him. I feel like I’m falling for him but I don’t want to wait forever.
Is it wrong for me to continue seeing him? What should I do?
Falling into confusion:
I think he is telling you straight out that a relationship is not possible right now. Whatever the reasons are — its irrelevant…he is UNavailable to you!
I dont think its WRONG that you keep seeing him but i dont think its BEST that you dont I think you will only be living off of hope and potential all the while investing yourself more into it emotionally. If right now isnt the right time for him (for whatever reason) I would say …. ok let me know when you’re interested in a relationship and walk away. Yes its easier said than done— but you will save yourself soo much heartache. Imagine—if you are hurting now……how will you feel 6months from now having spent more time with him and still being in the same spot? Cut your losses and let him go……. you deserve someone who is ready and available for a relationship. If you stay with him you will only be trying to change him into the man you want him to be…because he has already said (in more words than others) “I AM NOT relationship material right now” So that means…….. I wont be acting or doing the things necessary to be in one. Do you want that?? Stay strong!
Falling,
Please don’t let him know you will be placing him in control by telling him “let me know when you’re interested in a relationship” you’ll look desperate! Sorry Karen!
I totally agree that this guy is UNAVAILABLE!! My ex did the whole “it’s not not the right time” and look where it lead, nowhere! If a man truly cares for you he will do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship going, he will not settle for a ‘friendship’ and find reasons to not incorporate you into his life.
I tried the whole friendship thing -once you’ve been friend-zoned you don’t go back- and you know what, it became the most humiliating and hurtful period of my life. Honey, cut you losses and move on from Mr. Indecision, b/c he will only bring you more grief.
Oh and one more thing… you aren’t “Falling into confusion” (unless you want to) But you could very easily be falling into the A**clown/EUM Abyss— and that is not where you want to be!!!
Gaynor:
I totally meant that as … “sorry dont have time for you — see you later” context…….. but if it came across that way than yes– correction needed.
Thanks so much Karen and Gaynor. Its hard to just let go of something that feels so right. We haven’t had emotional roller coasters until now and he treats me so well and with so much respect. I’m definitely going to try to back off but I’m still interested in where it may go. I know I could be going down a dangerous path but I feel like thats what my heart is telling me to do. I just talked to him a little bit ago and we are going to try seeing each other this weekend. I just want it to be normal again. He has become an important person in my life.
Falling,
That’s the way it was for me too. I can honestly say that no one has hurt me the way the ex did. I wonder how long the no-sex rule will last, that’s how we went into our ‘friendship’ too?
I wish you luck, b/c I think we can all say from previous experience that friendships don’t work if one still has feelings for the other.
Good luck!
thanks
Ugh I want to vomit! I just read this part 12 times “by sticking around, he realises that something can’t be right with you either. Deep inside he knows that you shouldn’t want him as he has nothing to offer but crumbs” It all makes sense now. After he ripped me to shreds about ME having an “unhealthy attachment” I immediately ended it and haven’t spoken a word to him since. Now this explains it. He knew he had nothing to offer and treated me like dirt to get me to “go away”. I wish I would have realized this sooner, but his actions and words didn’t match up. Even after he told me this, his behavior is still about mixed signals (we have to see each other 2-3 times a week at meetings). But this article is spot on.
He was like this before me, and he’ll be like this with his current new squeeze. It had little to do with me personally.
To all the wonderful women who shared their stories…this is my closure. I won’t go into details but I am quite certain some of you will identify with my feelings…All the best to you and have fun, life’s too short for this…
By the way, I haven’t sent this letter just yet…no rush.
Dear X…,
you know this is the last letter I will write to you and I am not afraid of telling you how I feel because life is too short and I prefer to regret things I have done then things I haven’t done.
So, you have been pretty succesfull at ignoring my attempts of contacting you through gmail, sms, phone, email…the only thing I didn’t send you are the smoke signals:) You managed to make me feel like an asshole a few times but it’s okay, you probably have your reasons. The worst possible reason I can imagine is that your ego needs the attention so you like recieving compliments and declarations of love, you like being told how beautiful and how great you are. Other option is that you just don’t give a shit about me. Would it be so hard for you to tell me that? Don’t worry that I would break down because as much as I love you, I also love myself. Or maybe you just like to keep your options open…
You see, I am in quite a good moment in life. I have amazing friends, family, health, a job which brings me moments of satisfaction more often then to the average person, I have my spontaneous days and nights out, my road trips, my dreams and ambitions…but I know myself and I know that with time I will like to be in a relationship. I like sharing my life with someone special, as much as I like and need to spend time alone.
I don’t want a traditional relationship, as I don’t wan’t to give up my freedom and don’t ask that from anyone else. But if you happened to get the feeling that I am expecting things from you, then I’m sorry because that’s not the case. One message would have changed everything and that really isn’t asking for a lot.
I remember one night in the beginning of the year, when I just started being single after so many years in a beautiful relationship that has ran it’s course, I was talking with my friends and I told them I can’t imagine meeting a man who will impress me…not soon not ever.
A few weeks later I went out and I met you!
I had to change my way of thinking because I was starting to fall in love with you although it took me some time to realize this.
After reading this mail, I know you most probably won’t reply. It’s very likely that you only agreed to see me because you knew it was an easy way to get laid without having any obligation. We come frome very different cultures, which is another thing…so, why am I giving you yet another chance to ignore me? Have I not learned? I have, I just want to tell you things I have never told you before I am gone for good.
I believe in honesty and sincerity. I believe there is already too much crap and bullshit in life as it is, so when I find some special feeling I am happy and I am not afraid…I am willing to go until the end of the world for love. But if the other person doesn’t feel the same way, I will gradually get over this…I know how to distract myself and I am not going to lose sleep over someone who, no matter how special he is, doesn’t care about me.
I thought you were the one for me.
I thought that maybe you also felt some strange connection which is sweet because it makes you feel alive in a different way, and which is also bitter because…well, because we are all afraid that our fantasies won’t turn out the way we plan them.
I guess I was wrong. I will try to ocuppy my mind with my life and with the help of many funny, handsome, inteligent, sweet, passionate, crazy boys and men, which are a good remedy for a while. As you already know, I am not looking for a relationship because I only want to be in a relationship if it’s fucking great…I am not afraid to be alone because I really enjoy my own company.
I also know myself very well, I know how far I can get and what I (don’t) deserve…so, I’m not wandering in the dark, I am just left wondering what the hell happened:) And despite having lived a lot, I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
So. Now you know that there was once a girl completly, madly in love with you…I hope your ego gets a nice pleasure ride from this. I am not pretending to change you. If that’s your game, so be it. If you don’t have the guts to tell me goodbye or to tell me…anything…then these feelings of infatuation didn’t happen to you and I can perfectly understand this. Emotions can’t be created, they are either there or not. But it would be nice and a sign of good education if not respect, to give me any kind of reply.
So, if we meet accidentally one night out in the town…don’t worry. We can say hello or we can continue the ignoration game; you are absolutely free to be what you are and I am absolutely free to take it or leave it, like you once said.
Well, after counting all the pluses and the minuses…
I really loved you. I really was willing to go until the end of the world for you. But I can’t do that alone.
Thank you for everything. I loved every minute of being with you although it was only three short nights and one evening in which due to my etilic exaggeration I wasn’t able to recognize what life has put in my way…Thank you for letting me see I can still fall in love. That gives me hope that I will oneday find a great man who will love me and we will be able to enjoy our moments together.
I won’t try to forget you because life is made of nice memories but now I know you are not feeling what I am feeling, or you are at this moment happily in love with someone else or you are not ready for this, or God only knows what could be the reason for not getting one single reply…so, have a nice life and I hope you achieve everything you dream of in life. You are beautiful and I loved you too much. Lesson learned. Page turned.
Yes those are the feelinings of response to the old EUM abandoment technique.
One thing I might argue is that he might really NOT be so special.
Though I did not sleep with the EUM, ( and I mention that because sex adds a deeper dimension when they pull in close / then reject ) we were close friends for many many years, I think I considered our connection special because he often ” checked out” emotionally, making me try harder, and confuse the feelings of abandonment with something special and unique. Which it is, but not in a good way.
Ugh, all it gave m was a special trip down his depressing rabbit hole, and it is taking me quite a bit to come back out. Two and a half months of NC and I am seeing that I lost myself in going into his world of fear and indecision, trying to help the lost lamby sort it out, pull it together, come around.
I am starting to see that I need to work hard to get my old vibrant, positive, competent self back from wherever I went. Was he special ? Yup, especially awful.
Not Crazy,
You sound like a lovely woman but please don’t send this letter. I highly recommend that you read Natalie’s three-part series on validation, I think it would help you immensely.
I’m confused as to how long you were together?
Dear Gayle, when I wrote it I didn’t know if I will ever send it, but I know it’s not a good idea although the act of writing it all down, put things into perspective for me. We know each other for 6 months, he pursued me, I so didn’t feel it in the beginning…then he got me all interested, talking an chatting since we live in different countries. I told him from the start I’m not ready for a relationship, yet deep inside I know I’d love to try it with him… we spent the night together when I was in his town on business. Last time I was there, he knew I am coming…no response. The funniest thing is that I am moving to his country and to his town this summer!:))) But I am not contacting him again, I’ve thrown a whole set of balls to him…it’s up to him.
Spent 3 nights together, in case I didn’t reply well before. He wanted to introduce me to his new job mates, he called me at 3am several times, drunk of course, he seemed to be sooo into me…but in a relaxed chilled way, like…when I’d say but you don’t know me, he’d say well have time to get to know each other, and that his intuition told him I’m the one, etc…he only felt like this once before (his only relationship which lasted 6 years). Sometimes he said he’d call and he didnt..when I told him that’s a bit strange, he said he’ll try to be better and then really kept his promise a few times..
I used to visit this site all the time. In fact, I apparently posted on Feb 19, 2008, about an EUM who infected my life for about two years.
Well, when I say “used” to visit this site, I mean I got over it. I joined a bunch of groups and volunteered and such to keep myself busy so I would forget about him and the drama. I’m here today because my EUM has resurfaced again – 5 attempts at contact in the last two weeks. It’s ridiculous. But I’ve ignored them all (actually I didn’t even read the emails, but kept them as I don’t know what he’s capable of). Success!!!
I cannot emphasize to all of you in an EUM situation to get out of it. Just forget about them. You’re just addicted to the drama – a habit. You don’t need negative people in your life! I’m so happy right now – I’m not dating anyone, and it doesn’t bother me, AND the best part is that there’s no drama in my life. I did try dating another guy after that, but as soon as I got a negative vibe from the situation I ended it! And then I forgot about him too! Keep the positive supportive people around you, and life will be amazing!
Anon, so glad to hear that and I gotta say I just got back from a business trip in which I had the best time with a really cool guy, who was so open and frank that it was like a breath of fresh air. It was just casual fun but enjoyed it so much and I am totally sure that guys like my EUM are suuuuuuch a waste of time. I don’t miss him, heck, I don’t ven have the time to remember him/his absence. Can’t believe I fell for the drama, because that’s exactly what it was. Checking my email several times a day just in case today might be the day he wrote or something…imagining how he wants to be with me but something is restraining him..blah blah blah…ladies, just go out and try to be open to meeting new people, it’s the best remedy…:)
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