If you’ve been involved with people who are reliant on you having little or no boundaries, then you’ll know that the other party has appeared to hold ‘the powerbase’. I speak/correspond with women all the time who say stuff like ‘I don’t think I can be strong if he tries to come back’ or ‘I know that if he were to turn up right now, I’d be weak and we’d be back together in a flash’, ‘I feel bad about myself when I’m around him and I’m not sure I can handle him if we meet’ or ‘I feel helpless and I don’t know how to get it to stop’. I also hear from people who no matter what I or others say, they have an answer and an excuse for everything that gives them a reason to stay ‘weak’ and without power that they believe has been removed by ‘everyone else’ or ‘everything’.
If you put people on a pedestal, they’ll only look at you from above, which puts you below them.
If you think someone has all or most of the power, this means that you have none or little of the power.
Any excessive power that you perceive someone in a relationship to have, is power that, even if they have assumed it, you have also given it away and allowed them to continue to believe they have that power. Likewise, if you decide that life is conspiring to make make you powerless, it’s that belief that you have no power that is causing you to be powerless. It’s not the planets, it’s not other people, it’s not the fortune cookie, it’s not everything else. You’re not someone without power but you are someone who doesn’t seem to think they deserve their own power and like I talked about in my previous posts on understanding why people don’t see their qualities and characteristics accurately in relationships, choosing limited relationships, gives you limited experiences, gives you limited results.
If you choose limited partners that give limited relationships that cause you to give a limited contribution, you’ll also have limited power.
Someone can only have power over you that you’ve given away.
You have it, you might as well use it.
Imagine that you have your power and your self-esteem in a valuable looking box. Inside the box is your values, your sense of self, your boundaries and of course your power, amongst other things. You could keep it close to you, but when you have low self-esteem and you’re looking for love in all the wrong places, you don’t feel like you have enough or any of those things in the box. Even if you did have them at one point, you didn’t value them, so you put them out of the box.
Now you walk around through life with your hands outstretched with the box in your hand, trying to offload it. The bloody things like a hot potato! It’s like you don’t want the responsibility of yourself, of trusting your own judgement etc, so every time you meet someone who reflects your beliefs and creates the familiar feeling of your pattern, you can hardly wait to hand the box over. ‘Here!’ and you thrust it at them.
The person you hand it to, cannot believe that you are being so careless with what’s inside but he’s all out for himself and taking care of his own needs, so he works out what he can take to suit his own agenda. You’re so happy to have offloaded the hot potato, that for a while, you feel ‘good’, until you realise that he’s rifled through the box, depleted some of the goods, and put in some dodgy stuff. Eventually when he goes, you get back the box. Busted and worn looking. If he keeps popping up in and out of your life, he will still hold onto something as a way of gaining entry back into your life and with you desperately seeking validation, you’ll welcome him back believing that the only way to get back the goods and the value is to win him over. And so the cycle goes on.
You wonder how you will cope now that the things you didn’t value and cherish are gone and feel helpless. You believe you’re powerless. Eventually, when you have an epiphany (your enough moment), you discover that what you had in the box is a renewable resource that you can grow again. The more you use them and nurture, the more they grow.
You get the idea….
After speaking with a few people about power recently, here are my key lessons for gaining back your power:
You determine your value, much like you determine your power. If you don’t value yourself, have values, and act in line with them, you will ensure that people react to that and treat you without value. Stick around them trying to prove your value and the dysfunctional cycle will have you believing you are still without power – the power to change someone and force them to see your value and appreciate it in the way that you want to be seen and appreciated. The best way to get your power back is to go.
Let go of the victim feeling. If you think like a victim, you’ll be a victim and you render yourself powerless and react accordingly, falling in sync with a dynamic where they get to be ‘powerful’. What you think is how you will act. Even if you have been mistreated, holding onto the victim role is not an empowering one – you can’t do anything with it. Don’t continue sympathising with yourself because you’ll focus on holding on to your current feeling. Empathise with yourself and understand why you feel as you do so you can take control of yourself and feel more empowered.
Each person has equal power. Period. Keep imagining them on a pedestal and you render yourself weak. We are each 100% accountable for ourselves. No matter how much we try to shift it elsewhere, it will always come back to us, so there is absolutely no point in continuing to give away your power or believing that the other person has more power because you’re creating a limiting, self-fulfilling prophecy. Tell yourself you are a valuable entity with equal power.
Nobody has a 50% responsibility to make you happy and meet your needs in a relationship – you’re still 100% accountable.
If you are always looking for someone else to ‘make up the difference’ and put in their 50%, you’re effectively screwed when you don’t have someone at your side or suspect that you’re with someone who is unable to meet your needs. That’s too much power for someone to have especially when they’re the type of person that ensures that they’re always alright.
There are periods of your life when you will not be involved with someone – you have to be able to take care of yourself during this time and even then, when you meet someone, you don’t offload the responsibility of taking care of yourself and getting your needs met to someone else.
Imagine that someone who you think you’re not and what they would do if they had power…and do it. I have women say to me ‘Another woman would have put her foot down and told him to p*ss off if he said that to her’ – well rather than accept, complain, and lament, put your foot down and tell him to p*ss off!
A person doesn’t need to physically say or do something to take your power. When you spend your time imagining scenarios that have you cast as being helpless while they are all powerful, it’s you that is blocking/removing your power, not them. Stop imagining scenarios that fulfil your negative beliefs – challenge and override the negative voice.
The power to feel happier or to change is yours. You can point out all of the faults of the other party as much as you like but you are wasting your time because it doesn’t change the reality of the relationship you’re in, how you feel about yourself, or the perceived opportunity for change.
You give away your power every time you decide that it’s him (or them) that needs to change.
It’s like saying ‘I’m unhappy and even though I could get on with taking the steps to be happier, I’ve decided to make that responsibility yours.’ or ‘I’m not happy with this relationship, I want more, and things need to change, and for that to happen, you need to be and do X,Y,Z.” This doesn’t mean that you are incorrect about any assessment you have made of their faults, but it is time to ask yourself what is the point in point? Why are you removing your power by avoiding your own accountability and change by focusing on someone else?
Your thoughts?
Image source: SXC
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I have been struggling with this myself giving away my power. Understanding and knowing my values…but compromising them. Today, is a new day though…I learned from Mr. UA that the only person making me feel bad is me. Also, the only person I need work on fixing is the person in the mirror. I had been there before and I recognize when I have compromised my values and it is not a good feelings. It takes a long time to recover from that compromise. No man is worth that!!!!
Good for you! Mr Unavailable values different things but you’ll notice he doesn’t really deviate from that.
This is a very timely post for me. I feel like I am focused on the “I want more and I need you to do x,y, and z” mindset. I know you cannot change another person, but what I am struggling with is how to know what’s reasonable to ask for (because I don’t want to NOT ask for what I need) and what isn’t. This is my first relationship after a failed marriage, so sometimes I’m not sure I have the right perspective. Any thoughts?
.-= Robyn´s last blog ..The Wave =-.
You can express how you feel and what you want, but the difficulty in saying ‘I need you to do x,y,z’ is you’re basically saying that your happiness is dependent on him, so ipso facto he is failing at the moment and making you miserable. That’s a lot for someone to deal with. You also have to gauge where your request for ‘more’ is warranted. Sometimes we’re so busy pushing for more, we don’t enjoy now, and we also come across as emotionally demanding. The reason why we push for more is because we have an idea of where we want to be at this particular moment or we think that if we ask for more and get it that we’ll be validated. They’ll start to feel closed in. What is your ‘more’? What are you asking for? What would happen if you just let things be?
I was lucky to find this website when I did. 1 month of reading NML’s posts (and all the readers comments detailing their oh-so-similar struggles and experiences), has seriously helped me more than the past 5 months of therapy I’ve been going through! In each article NML posts, I find so much of myself, the struggles I’ve been dealing with for 3 (too long!) years, and just a little more strength and determination to keep moving forward, keep sorting things out, keep trying to work on me.
NML, you are an Angel, and a god send to all of us here. Your clarity on relationships, combined with your wit and straightforward manner, have saved my sanity! I have already recommended your site to several girlfriends and family members, who unfortunately are all dealing with problem men in their lives. You have helped me cut through the confusion, the fog, the “smoke and mirrors” of my situation in a way that no one else has been able to, because they didn’t, and couldn’t, understand. I truly appreciate you creating this site, and look forward to your posts daily.
So much of this post spoke to me: “What you think is how you will act. Even if you have been mistreated, holding onto the victim role is not an empowering one – you can’t do anything with it.”…. “even then, when you meet someone, you don’t offload the responsibility of taking care of yourself and getting your needs met to someone else.”…. These are all things I know I have done, and it needs to stop.
I’m trying to have that hard conversation with myself, to look at my behaviors and expectations to see what is going wrong with all my relationships…. Thank you, NML, for being a candle in a very dark place, and lighting the way for all of us who DO want to come out of the darkness!
SpeeInspace, I understand you wanting clarity about his actions. The best way to work yourself through this is to forget about trying to understand his actions. You will continue to give away your power when you spend yout time thinking about him and wondering why he does the things he does. I have done exactly what you are doing…applied NC and then spent my time analyzing the actions of Mr. UA. It is not worth it you will only end up driving yourself crazy.
Thank you I’mdone, I think I am a little crazy..he he. At least we’ve established now he is an EU….even though he wasn’t once cold, nasty etc. just disappeared when i didn’t act needy, which I supposed is SCD (stone-cold dead). At least he made the decision for me.
.-= SpeeInspace´s last blog ..Get Out of Stuck! Getting Your Power Back In & Out of Relationships (Part 2) =-.
Thank you for your lovely kind comment. It is a pleasure to be of help and support. I’ll keep doing my best to help you find your way out of the darkness and the great thing is that you’re recognising your own power and ability to do it. Victim role will keep you in the dark and you’ll continue to feel bad and you have to move past that. Keep wanting to come out of the darkness x
The power to feel happier or to change is yours. You can point out all of the faults of the other party as much as you like but you are wasting your time because it doesn’t change the reality of the relationship you’re in, how you feel about yourself, or the perceived opportunity for change.
…I couldn’t agree with you more, Natalie. I’ve been working hard to get my self-confidence and self-esteem back. I want to go back to what I felt like before I met my ex-EUM. Granted, I’ve obviously changed because of that relationship, but I am trying to move forward by doing the things I used to love to do before he came into the picture. I’m training for my 5th half marathon, I recently took up a side job again in retail, and I’m trying to make myself go out more often and have fun. All of these things are going to help me grow and move toward loving myself again.
You’re still fundamentally you and when we get immersed in the craziness of chasing these men, we forget our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. We don’t remember what we like, what we’re passionate about because when we morph and shift to suit other people, we lose sight of ourselves. Good luck with your marathon (I admire your stamina!) and keep the faith and keep making you feel good. xx
Thank you very much for this post. As well as many other ladies I admire your wisdom, clarity and the fact that you share it with us.
However, I am having hard time to uderstand and integrate the concept you address in this post as well as in many others. Maybe because English is not my mother tongue and word usage are not the same. So this is exactly: “…when you meet someone, you don’t offload the responsibility of taking care of yourself and getting your needs met to someone else.” My point is: we all have emotional needs and one of them is to know someone care about you. Someone who will feel joy for you when you are doing great and sad and empathising when you are not that well. I could potentially “taking care” of myself and NOT to share with my significant other( EUM, AC or a nice man) any of my inner feeling and being “self suficient”, but then what is the point of being in the relationship? What is the advantage besides the purely physical and financial(not all the time btw)? I am sure I mis-understood your idea, but then could you please detail on it? Thank you very much in advance.
This is exactly what I was asking, too, Inna! I don’t think you misunderstood.
.-= Robyn´s last blog ..The Wave =-.
I interpreted what NML said about offloading your needs to the other person to mean: One should be emotionally healthy enough to feel good on their own and not have to rely on someone else to feel good about themselves. And then if you are in a relationship, if the person you are with is not meeting your emotional needs, you are not feeling cared for by them… it is then your ultimate responsibility, not theirs, for you to disengage from them.
Thank you Robyn and Carm for your replies. Carm, so according to your interpretation it should sound like that: “I DO put the expectations to meet my needs and make me feel good on my partner, however if it does not happen, it is my responsability to end the relationship in which those needs are not met.” Instead of “blaming” and “responsabilizing” my partner. Yes, it makes perfect sense. Robyn, then I think the only criteria would be your own perception of what is right or wrong for YOU and not a certain absolute criteria (if it exists at all). Because at the end of the day your inner feeling is the result of your values, expectations, believes … So who cares if it is “reasonable” or not if the main goal is to make YOU feel good?
Thank you Carm – extremely well said! If someone cannot feel good without the input of someone else, that’s co-dependence.
Inna, I’m not sure if I am understanding your question as it sounds like you are asking why you need to be self-sufficient if you’re going to be in a relationship???? Or, what is the point in having a relationship if you are still self-sufficient????
If you are involved with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and looking for them to validate you and say I love you, care for you etc etc, and then staying in spite of their actions which are inconsistent with your own boundaries, values, and whatever they say, and then looking for more validation, plus questioning who you are, what is wrong with you, why don’t they love you, want you etc, it’s very fair to say that you don’t have enough love or care for yourself. Period. If you are trying to force love with a Mr Unavailable or assclown, you are trying to get love from the wrong places. You end up being co-dependent.
This isn’t about not getting love in a relationship. If you have personal security, boundaries, values, and sense of awareness of a reasonable level, you’ll know when someone is not acting with care towards you and you won’t need to say ‘Do you care about me?’ If you’re with someone who is not conveying that they care about you through their actions and doesn’t empathise with you, share in your joy, and support you through difficult times, why are you staying to ask them if they care? Why are you staying to make them care? Why are you staying to wait for a magic moment where you think ‘Aha, so he *does* care!’?
I love me but I love my partner too. The two are not mutually exclusive. If you cannot love and care about you in order to be with someone, then they are not worth it. If you don’t have enough awareness to recognise when you are loved, cared about, and empathised with, then *nobody* will have the ability to fill that void and you will be emotionally demanding. I don’t understand why you cannot be self-sufficient AND have a significant other?
When you want a Mr Unavailable or assclown to show that they care for you, feel joy, empathise etc, you are forcing your idea of what you want on them and asking them to change. You’re saying ‘I know you cannot meet my needs but I have decided that I want to be with you and these are my needs and you must meet them. I know you don’t care but when I am in a relationship with someone, even if it is with someone who has patently shown that they do not want what I want or even want me, I still want them to show that they care about me. I know that you don’t do empathy, but I want you to change for me and be empathetic. ‘
Thank you Natalie. I think I got where is our misundestanding. You said: ” If someone cannot feel good without the input of someone else, that’s co-dependence”. I interpeted it as “If someone cannot feel good without the input of someone else IN THE RELATIONSHIP , that’s co-dependence” That is what confused me. I can feel good and love myself without being in any relationship. But once there (in a relationship) I need the input and the care and love, basically my emotional needs of this relationship to be met. Otherwise why to have this relationship at all? Btw, I apply this for friendship too.
“This doesn’t mean that you are incorrect about any assessment you have made of their faults, but it is time to ask yourself what is the point in point? ”
Here here on this one! As always excellent post – lay it on the line. Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right. I may be right about his faults but that’s not my problem – Thank GOD!!!!.
I would rather be happy and everyday he is not a part of my life I am grateful. Don’t even want to imagine that “old” life anymore. It doesn’t even come close to my life today and everything and everyone I have in it. It refreshing not to have to deal with the drama – all I’ve got to worry about is what I am having for dinner tonight!! Whoo Hoo lovin NC!
Woohoo! Glad that you are feeling so much more empowered and starting to enjoy your life. Keep focusing on what you do have instead of what you have ‘lost’. He most certainly is *not* your problem and I’m glad that you are realising what a releasing experience NC can be. Take care!
Been reading this blog for five months, exactly how long I have been NC with my EUM – decided as soon as I found this site, downloaded Natalie’s book and read it all until the early hours of the morning! Just want to say ladies for all of us on the NC journey, that after a while it does get easier because you have the emotional space to really understand and truely see what has ACTUALLY been happening – that ,and of course the support of NMLs amazing books and all of you posting with an honesty which takes a lot of courage on this website. A thought came to me just now which I would like to share – instead of thinking “But I still love him!” when trying to justify going back for more crap when they try to come back into your life, what you are really saying is “I still don’t love myself !” – that is enough to cut free from someone who abuses, uses, and lies for his own selfish ends,who promises you what you want knowing he is never going to deliver but just to get his needs met. We are not their therapists, let them sort out their own rubbish….we have enough to deal with working out WHY we were with them in the first place! Lots of love and good luck to you all on this journey, I feel close to each and every one of you after five months of silently reading this site.
Preach Lucy!!!
“A thought came to me just now which I would like to share – instead of thinking “But I still love him!” when trying to justify going back for more crap when they try to come back into your life, what you are really saying is “I still don’t love myself !” – that is enough to cut free from someone who abuses, uses, and lies for his own selfish ends,who promises you what you want knowing he is never going to deliver but just to get his needs met.”
I kept reading that line from your post “I still don’t love myself!” over and over. Wow. I have been NC for 1.5 months now and although each day is better, he is very much still in my thoughts and I still find myself thinking about him sorting himself out, coming back to me, yada yada yada. I even found myself listening to the song ‘This Time’ by John Legend over and over (blasting it too) and fell deeeeep into lala land (this song here is quite dangerous for the illusion diners). I had to stop that QUICK (iPod is now on frequent play of ‘Epiphany’ by Chrisette Michele) Point is – why would I want this dude to come back at all?!? Because I STILL do not love myself! I realize that nothing happens overnight and I am learning to respect this process of learning to truly respect, value and love mySELF. Thanks for sharing your insight.
I still find myself thinking about him sorting himself out, coming back to me, yada yada yada. I even found myself listening to the song ‘This Time’ by John Legend over and over (blasting it too) and fell deeeeep into lala land (this song here is quite dangerous for the illusion diners).
Try listening to Lauryn Hill “I used to love him now I don’t ” that will definetly get you out of lala land.
I know that John Legend song – keep it off 😉 “Why would I want this dude to come back at all?!? Because I STILL do not love myself!” – And because you hope that he will be different and make you the exception to his rinky dink behaviour. Thankfully by taking the time to heal and love yourself, you’ll realise, he’s just not worth your time. NC is a start, not an ending. You’re on a journey and after a while it won’t be about NC; you’ll just be living and getting on with your life.
Imdone – yes, the L. Hill is another one on constant rotation. THAT song tells it to a tee – I swear she and Mary are singing about me :-).
NML – you are so right, it will indeed become less about NC – and it really does get better and better each day. And yes, John Legend is turned off – I went so far with that one that I even had a music video in my mind to go with it – starring me & the AC – not a good look.
Amen Lucy! So well said! You are right because when I apply that to the me that kept going back to have the door slammed on my fingers or my hand burnt in the fire, I only stopped going back when I started loving me instead of treating myself with such patent disregard. Thank you for sharing and congratulations on your journey!
Natalie,
This is such a wonderful post. I love the analogy of our power being a renewable resource. You cushion the reality of (and how we perpetuate) our complicity in unhealthy relationships with a huge dose of hope and positivity; and it’s completely true. Everyday we have the opportunity to take responsibility for our own happiness. I surrendered my power for too long, and too often; never again. Again, a “right on” post! Wedding in June 🙂
Thank you. There is so much hope out there and even though it’s daunting, we can start again. Look at you – you did it! Not long to go now! How exciting! Mega hugs xxx
Love how you describe our power and self esteem in a valuable box.
‘The person you hand it to, cannot believe that you are being so careless with what’s inside but he’s all out for himself and taking care of his own needs, so he works out what he can take to suit his own agenda. You’re so happy to have offloaded the hot potato…..’
It is so clear and describes how and why we act in this way. It is really important that we understand where we have gone wrong in order to change.
One of the older posts had a video attached to a reader’s comment of Anthony del Mello on Love which I found interesting. I watched his Rediscovering Life the other day where he goes on to say that we should drop our illusions and our desires that form attachments. When we feel that we can’t be happy unless we have him or an object, it is exactly that making us miserable. Where there is a need for excitement/a kick there follows depression. We are running away from ourselves and confusing that feeling with happiness and expect to feel that all the time.
He says that there is nothing more clear sighted than love where you are happy when he isn’t by your side but enjoy his company when he is there. Meaning you are both happy with yourselves as individuals and don’t depend on each other for their happiness.
I don’t think I will ever stop reading your posts they all have a valuable message to help us grow and head down healthier paths.
That’s exactly how I feel with the boyf. We were both individuals on this earth before we both met. We’re very much together but the sky doesn’t fall down when we’re apart and we have an absolute blast when we’re together. I don’t feel anxious about the status of things when he is not by my side and I don’t need to be constantly asking him ‘do you love me? do you care about me?’ as we have consistently shown one another that we do. Of course we say these things to one another, but actions will always speak louder than words for me. Because I became confident about who I was before I met him, I don’t need to spend my time expending energy looking for validation about things I need to validate myself. Thank you for reminding me of that video.
Another brilliant post, NML thank you so much!!!
We talk alot about loving ourselves and I think that is very important. But i think valuing yourself is just as important. When we value ourselves we don’t allow ourselves to be in situations that devalue us. people cherish the things that that they value, they treat it well, they protect it. These are the things that we must do for ourselves. cherish ourselves, treat ourselves well, and protect ourselves from attack, both emotional and physical. Valuing ourselves empowers us. It places us in the center. I agree 100% with NML about us being completley accountable and responsible for ourselves and our happiness. these men are completley incapable of loving, they are completely incapable of being emotional present in any type of intimate relationship. when we choose to be with these men, we know that they are not right for us, we can feel it, but we deny the feeling, we rationalize it away, we make excuses and we do this for a variety of reasons. But for whatever reason, just like we choose to be with and stay with these men, we can choose to leave them. we can choose to kick them to curb and find our well deserved happiness either by ourselves or with someonelse who will be present. That is our power. The power to say no. No to the selfishness, no to the lies, to the disappearing/re-appearing acts, no to all the BS, no to him! and when we realize we can say no, that we can choose to be happy, that’s our power…ours.
@Kissie-
What you wrote needs to be continually ingrained in my mind. I need to remember to both love and value myself. When I look back at my situation with my ex-EUM, I think I knew deep down (I mean really, really, really deep down) that we weren’t meant to be with each other. However, because of my low self-esteem, I continually chose to put myself through emotional turmoil in hopes that he would return feelings for me.
I realized that in order to take back the power, I needed to let him go. I am now on almost 6 months (and round 2) of NC and though at times, I do have low points where I still get sad, I am MUCH stronger now that I have cut ties.
Keep going! There will be low times, but you get through them. Expect them and they don’t have the ability to knock you so much.
No is not a dirty word! A very empowering comment from you Kissie – thank you! Every day, we make choices from the miniscule to the very big, every last thing we do in our day to day, is a choice. You can choose to leave or you can choose to stay, but you must get behind your choice. Value is oh so important as you highlighted and everyone must remember – the very value you expect to be treated with is how you treat yourself. Just remember, everybody, whatever choices you’re making, make choices that put you at the centre of the action and decision – not someone else. Thanks Kissie!
Another insightful and true post, but after following your site for a couple of months I am beginning to feel very hopeless. At first I drew a lot of strength and encouragement from what you were saying, I started to really understand what was happening in my relationship and the part I play in its drama and I thought that I would finally be able to leave. The sad thing is, although I may or may not be able to do just this one day, after enough epiphanies, I am also pretty certain that all it would mean is that I will be alone for the rest of my life. At the age of 45 I still simply do not feel in my guts that I really have something to offer to a man who doesn’t need me, and after almost five years of a yo yo relationship where I am trying so desperately to win someone’s love and making a fool of myself in the process, I am also totally spent. The future looks bleak, with or without this particular assclown.
@Saskia
Please don’t despair. The things that are written here are to help make you stronger not to make you depressed. I sometimes feel the same way, like I’ll never find the right man and end up alone and I’m 36 with no children and I want children one day. So I feel what you’re saying. But think of it this way when you spend all your time with these men in yo-yo relationships, being used and taken for granted, not knowing where you stand in their lives (i.e. am i his girlfriend? his woman? or just his f**k buddy?), you are unable to rely on him or depend on him to keep his word or do what he promised he’d do, you are alone anyway. That’s not a relationship. It’s a convenient situation for the man because he gets all of you, your goodness, your attention, your time, your love, your body, your money and what do you get? I think we all know the answer to that one is nothing. You shouldn’t have to win any man’s affection or attention. I had to really learn that. I tell myself everyday: I AM ENOUGH! Just the way I am! I said it everyday until I believed it. Ponder this for a second: what did he do, what hoops did he jump through to win your affection, your time, your love? I’m pretty sure not much…now isn’t that a problem?
Being in despair in these situtations is really about giving your power away. like saying I choose not to be happy because I can’t find a man. Being happy is a choice. You have to consciously decide you want to be happy and AC drama free. and then deliberately work to make that your reality. THAT’S YOUR JOB!! not his or any one else’s. that takes work… alot of work and it’s hard, but that’s what you gotta do. It’s ok to be without a man if being with one means that you are miserable. Like NML always says and I agree 100%: (I’m paraphrasing here): If loving you or being with you means I have to disrespect myself, devalue myself and be inauthentic, then Imma g’head and choose me, cuz you ain’t worth it.
Saskia, everything is a choice. You can choose to stay or go; they are your choices. If the decision to stay is reliant on him changing then you will be miserable. If the decision to go has the factor of you not feeling that you can be alone, you will be miserable. You don’t believe that you can make it on your own and you don’t believe that there is something better out there for you and so you have placed yourself in a damned if you do, and damned if you don’t situation. That’s not him that’s done it; that’s you. Relationship insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. If you’re going to stay, stop trying to win his love and stop making a fool out of yourself. Step back in the relationship and do your own thing. At 45, and let’s imagine that you are with a 45 year old man, what does he ‘need’ you for? What does anyone ‘need’ anyone for? Why do you have to offer something to someone with a specific need? Why can’t you just let it be? If you’re so hell bent on staying, you might as well relax! Why burn up the next God knows how many years in an exercise of futility playing the ‘please show me some love’ game? Ask yourself what’s the worst that could happen if you stopped doing what you’ve done up until now – it’s probably not much. You’re not mystic meg so any certainty you have about your demise is the negativity and doom that you talk to yourself with. In *or* out of a relationship, that level of negativity towards yourself will only do you harm, nevermind anything that the assclown throws you. Stop forecasting doom – in or out of your relationship.
Ah finally worked out how to join the blog. Got confused with Newsbitz and its relation to this 🙂 Hope I’m not interrupting somebody’s flow. I have a serious question to ask: I met a guy after being single and a parent for over 5 years. He was fun, respectful, loved the fact I was educated, always turned up, phoned. Was not after sex, said he wanted to get to know me first. Kept saying I was the one, he was here to stay.. etc. He was single I’m sure, then he had dinner at my house after one week of intensive dating and disappeared??? Would not answer the phone, well cut me off! Didn’t reply to my e-mail. I now understand the NC rule, but he didn’t dump me?? He has now 6 weeks later put on his FaceBook ‘main’ status ‘in a relationship’ I don’t know if that’s for my benefit because I haven’t contacted him since the e-mail 4 weeks ago and clearly been getting on with my life. Don’t however understand why disappear and say nothing. Any ideas anyone?
.-= SpeeInspace´s last blog ..Get Out of Stuck! Getting Back Your Power Back In & Out of Relationships (Part 1) =-.
Imdone has some wise words. Trying to work out the behaviour of someone else in general is like asking ‘how long is a piece of string?’ However, this was a brief dalliance and all of the stuff that he said sounds pretty intense for 1 week! He sounds like a Future Faker and he is clearly the chaser type of guy – unfortunately if he thinks that there are other options or a better offer on the table, he’ll move on. The fact that he is so fickle is only intensified by him suddenly declaring himself in a relationship. He didn’t say anything because it was an intense week,he made promises he could not deliver on, and if he were to be honest with you, he would have to face questions about why he made promises he couldn’t deliver on. He won’t want confrontation, he won’t feel that it’s worth it with someone he only knew for a week, and he will rationalise that you are not his girlfriend so he doesn’t have to explain himself. Not all men are like this but I would caution you against people who are really intense from the get-go as it’s normally a cause for alarm bells to be going off. The best thing you can do is continue to get on with your life and forget this 1 week guy. Don’t let him blot your life or your dating expectations and move on.
I think that he was intense and acted the way he did b/c: he wanted to “make sure” about whether he wanted the current relationship (…that is, for now!); he wanted to see how you would act if you thought that you guys had real potential as part of this process of “making sure”; that he did all of this intentionally b/c deep down he knew he wanted to be in some sort of relationship (..again, for now!); and that, when he went to your house, any mystery that he somehow needed to keep you in his mind was blown.
Men who look at women as objects do all of this–men who idealize and devalue–men who don’t look at relationships realistically. Hence NML’s comments that he may be looking for another better offer or other options.
Another likely possibility is that he was on the rebound from the current relationship, and was trying to convince himself that you were good (or “good enough”) for him. Hence the comments baout how much he admires your barins, etc.
The Coward may come back, you know. Then you could tell him that you are in a relationship.
So not a man.
Wow, thanks for the reply both of you.. great to get it off my chest. He actually told a mutual FBook friend of ours that I was his girlfriend after the 2nd/3rd date?? I actually don’t think he really is in a relationship as his relationship status still says single, he put this on his main status.A friend of his got back with his longterm girlfriend – who I think he liked – and after 4 weeks decided to put that on his – 14 of our mutual FB friends put ‘liked’, as we think they should be together and it’s sweet. I think from his character, he put that to make a statement either to him (they’d fallen out) and possibly me also. What threw me is that he didn’t want sex – I get it when guys do/say anything for that – so I love the FFaker term, makes some sense now. He’s done me a big favour as it made me question, question and want an answer (it knocked my confidence also) and now I’ve discovered some amazing sites and books and I’m going to fill in your Relationship Crime Scene Qs, bit scared..he he. Meeting guys is a big problem for me, let alone checking I’m not gonna be a FBG, but maybe this will change. Thank you soo much sisters. xx btw I am a Masters Psychologist and Clinical Hypnotherapist and this is all new, but amazing, and makes sense. Thank you xx
.-= SpeeInspace´s last blog ..Get Out of Stuck! Getting Your Power Back In & Out of Relationships (Part 2) =-.
Natalie,
Amazing post! It is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you so much for this. It is so true that we have the power within ourselves to make us happy. The key I think is respecting ourselves enough to always demand to be treated with dignity and respect from others and not putting up with anything else.
Cheers! 🙂
Hi All,
I could really do with some advice. I am married and have been for nearly a year now..
I am in this situation where I know I dont love myself or care for myself enough. WHenever me and my husband have an argument or he gets the hump with me for a few days, I panic and I end up feeling soooo miserble and out of my depth. Hes been sleeping on the couch past few days and hes been ignoring me. Im in despair and for some reason I feel as though he is going to leave me or plot something against me or whatever each time and I get so anxious, cant eat, cant sleep and cant concentrate at work..
Please help me. Im sooo desperate cos I know the fault lies with me and not him
Imagine your heart is in a small child that is crying and saying all of this to you. Would you comfort that child and reassure her that it is not her, that she is worth loving, that the other person (your husband) is going to leave and there’s nothing she can do? What would you say to her? This may be a way to give to yourself and think about how your can take care of your own heart. Then just simply say to your husband “I feel…..lonely/frightened/hurt…. whatever it is you FEEL … leave it at that and distance yourself… stay distanced… eventually… he will come to you… don’t force it though stay strong… and try to stick to just saying how YOU FEEL if he does. If he doesn’t then let him leave…. you will be thankful in the long run. Hope that helps, peace with love x
.-= SpeeInspace´s last blog ..Get Out of Stuck! Getting Your Power Back In & Out of Relationships (Part 2) =-.
Great post. BUT, There is something I am a little confused here. I understand that no one has the responsability to make you happy and fullfill your needs. However, I thought that relationships are about sharing experiences and how one contribute to the other person’s happiness. I thought every person came into a relationship expecting to be loved, cherished and even needed. Everybody have the need of “belonging” to someone. We are not completely indepent from other humans. I would like to feel wanted by my partner, thats one of my needs. I would like my partner to miss me when I am not around. I don’t feel that makes me codependant or needy or powerless. Am I taking this right? or Am I missing something? Please advice.
Katty, all of this sounds very…vague. ‘I would like for my partner to be there when I need him’ is not too different when a MD says that the job of his PA is to be there whenever he needs him/her for them to be at their beck and call. Where do you draw a line? Let’s say you decide that you need him 24/7 – by your definition of your needs, you’d expect him to be there. You say you want to be wanted – that’s all well and good, but wanting to be wanted by someone who doesn’t want to actually be in the relationship in the way you want them to be in the relationship defeats the purpose. If we choose partners that want to actually be in a relationship with us, who want to commit, who want to love, care, trust, and respect, then feeling ‘wanted’ is a natural extension of that. But by the same token, what is ‘wanted’? Having someone tell you they love you all the time, they need you, pursuing you, making you the focal point of everything, making you their only priority? Break down what you say you want and need and make sure that you are not being emotionally demanding. “I would like my partner to miss me when I am not around.” How are you even measuring this? Why do you need someone to tell you that they miss you when they are not around? Doesn’t it sound very odd to say to someone ‘I want you to miss me when I am not around’ – it’s a demand and it’s needy because if you really believe that you are in a relationship that has genuine potential to go somewhere and that you have a foundation to believe this and have a reasonable level of self-esteem, you’ll let things be and let someone naturally miss you instead of demanding they do or making unreasonable requests. When you say you’re ‘not around’ – does that mean if you’re not in the same room, when you’re at work, when you go away, when you end it and go no contact?
Life goes on. My partner goes to work 5 days a week. I look forward to seeing him when he gets back but it’s not an expectation or a ‘need’ of mine that he miss me while he’s at work although I’m sure he does sometimes. I don’t think everyone has the *need* of belonging to someone. Most people have the *desire* for it and that is natural but if your need to ‘belong’ to someone clouds what you’re doing and who you are, something will go wrong. If you decide that it’s *only* someone else that can meet that need, then in that situation, you are powerless.
No, I was talking more about the normality of neediness in a relationship. Not the 24/7 “tell me you miss me” kind of behavior. But to my understanding so far in your post is that these feelings of neediness enhance when our needs are not being met like Inna said. But I truly believe we all have these needs in relationships. Like in Maslows hierarchy of needs. Humans have the need of belonging. I guess the difference is that we dont’t feel they are so important when we obviouslyhave a partner who is already meeting our needs. I hope I understand your post right. NML thanks so much for your insight.
How do you differentiate personal needs in a relationship versus being powerless in a relationship? Because I have to admit I do have needs and I would like for my partner to be there when I need him. Does this make me powerless?
I think we are talking about the same. And Natalie too. I posted above exactly the same question. I think it is more than normal and not powerless at all to want our emotional needs to be met IN THE RELATIONSHIP. It is perfectly normal to want to be wanted, missed, loved, cared and so on… And of course, an average woman feel it very well, it is not about being there 7/24. Now what makes any of us being powerless is the following: when our needs are not met and our values not respected, we should take actions, break and let it go. Instead of cligning, demanding, suffering and so on… That is at least my understanding of this Natalie’s post.
Yes I agree 100% thanks you! 🙂
Great post! I have come to the same conclusion with my therapist… that I very easily have given my power away, not only in relationships, but to other people who may say/do hurtful things. They treated me bad and I felt bad about myself. I have learned that I have the choice to keep my power and it is quite freeing. I have also learned that because I have been codependent, I am quite transparent in relationships… whatever imperfections my parents had, I took on as my imperfections and whatever was “cool” about the guys I dated, made me feel cool or good about myself. It has been an interesting process breaking myself of the habit, and keeping “me”, and how I feel about myself, separate from how I feel about others. I am actually at the point of being grateful for my EUM, as I have dove deeper into my “self” than I ever thought I could and I have such understanding and happiness and tools to protect myself due to this experience!