I recently spent an afternoon chilling out with my brother and we decided to watch some ‘trash tv’ so after a bit of Katie and Peter Stateside, we homed in on Judge Hatchett and within minutes we were in stitches laughing as a woman and her ‘witnesses’ stepped up to call a man a ‘lowdown dirty dog’. He had basically slept with each of the women, made out he was their boyfriend whilst holding down a job driving a truck long distance (read: opportunity to screw over other woman), and would rent an apartment ‘with’ the woman and then bail on the rent and the bills, clocking up a mountain of excuses and lies en route, whilst lining up the next ‘girlfriend to rent with. It wasn’t the first time he’d been taken to court and he certainly has more than a little woof in him, but something he said reminded me of why it is very dangerous to stick with assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s:
“If I was really that bad, sure they wouldn’t be with me!”
Now actually, the fact that these women were with him was actually a reflection of their poor judgement rather than a glowing character reference, but what he said reflects the thinking of many men (and women).
When I have talked about the importance of boundaries, I have emphasised that we really do teach people how to treat us and what to expect from us.
Our problem is that in dealing with our own issues, we attach all sorts of meaning to our own behaviour and to that of others, rather than actually take action, or clear the smoke and see things for what they actually are. We’re once again, too busy looking at the trees instead of seeing the wood.
This means that rather than look at a guy’s crappy behaviour and add two and two and make four and recognise that the fact that he is behaving so poorly in the relationship is indicative of his character and his inability to be present, accountable and decent for the relationship, we decide to ignore this information.
Instead, we decide that even though he is behaving poorly, the fact that he keeps coming back means that there must be something irresistible about us, that he must love us, be crazy about us, can’t live without our ‘medicine’.
We think he keeps coming back because he wants to change but just doesn’t know how. We decide he behaves like an *sshole, not because he is an *sshole, but because he’s a poor little soul that just doesn’t know how to show it but it’s trapped there somewhere within and it just needs the love of a good woman to release it.
The reality is that because so many women are willing to welcome Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns and allow them to stay even when they contribute little or nothing to the relationship and cause untold damage on their self-esteem, these men who are already distanced from the reality of themselves get a consistent message that they’re alright.
They think: Surely, if I was really that bad, I wouldn’t be able to pull women/she wouldn’t keep taking me back/I wouldn’t be able to call up X, Y, and Z and still be able to swing up in their lives after however many months and years without so much as a bye nor leave.
Many of the guys that shouldn’t even be peed on if they were on fire actually believe that they are good catches.
Why shouldn’t they? No matter how much of an assclown they are, they have women pursuing them!
Many Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns do not even recognise that there is anything remotely wrong with their behaviour.
Why would they? If they are allowed to cross boundaries and don’t feel consequences very often, how are they supposed to see this.
Some Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns do recognise that there behaviour is anything from inappropriate to poor to outrageous but they recognise that if you had more cajones about yourself that you wouldn’t be giving them the time of day, so they think that gives them a free pass to behave as they like.
And often, let’s be real, they can do what they like so their assumptions end up being believed to be correct.
Some Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns do recognise their behaviour for what it is but don’t care to change. They are up front and don’t go out of their way to disguise their actions but they find themselves with women who believe that with them, he will be different.
Why should he change? There is no impetus to because so far, he is accepted, albeit with half hearted complaints. Their attitude – you met me as you found me.
All of these guys are disconnected from the reality of their behaviour and most take the basics of human interaction, acceptance and rejection, at a basic level:
If you accept my behaviour in any, way, shape or form, then you must be OK with it, which means that I’m not a bad guy, which means you know what you’re dealing with, which means you put your hand in the fire so of course you’re going to get burnt.
In their world, people who really are that bad, don’t have women trying to keep them, chase them, and commit them to a relationship.
In their world, people who are not happy with what they’re getting from a relationship leave because when things don’t suit them, it’s exactly what they do…although many of them make sure that they leave the door open a crack should they feel like reopening it and messing around with your head whilst reaping the fringe benefits of a shag/ego stroke/shoulder to lean on or use….
They’re a bit black and white in this respect which means that all of the energy you spend trying to adapt and morph for them, or trying to get them to change, or trying to understand and accommodate them is wasted.
You want to send a real signal that someone’s behaviour is not acceptable and that they have crossed a boundary? Reject their behaviour and ensure there are consequences because there’s no point telling someone he’s a poor partner and that you’re not happy, if you not only stick around, but you let him repeat the behaviour and add in some other offences for good measure, and you’re begging him for sex and affection, telling him that you’ll always be there no matter what and who he does.
Let your actions reflect your words and if he won’t take action, you have to, otherwise he’ll believe that he’s not the problem.
Your thoughts? Have you considered how your action, or inaction may be interpreted?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. This site and all of you are really like therapy to me. Thank you.
@meant- Yes, I am so proud of me for making it 10 days, I know he never expected me to break contact because I was always his fallback girl, pathetically professing my love and begging him to value me…. so sad…. I got caught up in the emotions and illusions and not seeing him for who he really is, which is not a very nice guy who constantly put me down and told me I wasnt “good enough”. So yes I miss my illusion. I miss the guy I thought he was and will most likely never be. Your right this is the time to work on me. I need to make sure I never let this happen to me again, raise my self esteem and set healthy boundaries. I have written out all the ways he has hurt me numerous times, I just seem to have this awful amnesia on a daily basis. UGH. I think I am worth it too
thank you so much for saying that tho. Times like these it means so much to hear that someone else understands me and Im not crazy.
I also have been following your story and I wanted to tell you that your so strong to not completely give in with your ex and I know the temptation must have been powerful. You objectively realized how he impacted your feelings and emotions negatively and I know that will give you strength in the days to come. I wish you the best and know that your not alone. We are all sisters and friends here
@Leonine- thank you, I will keep reading this site faithfully to help me with my journey of healing and strengthening myself. I am so glad to hear that you are no longer “ed-up, confused, insulted, solitary, scared heap” and you have grown. All of you are my inspiration that it will get better for me too. So thank you.
@Butterfly – I know it will get easier, day by day, I just wish I could speed up the process! LOL ….. I am in love with an illusion…. I want to shatter it for good! Never ever to let that boy (definitely not a man) hurt me again.
Ah yes the wanting it to end
Thing is, I have come to the conclusion that we have to go through this over time. However, the great thing is that here you can talk to people who understand as your friends will not … no one does unless it happens to them.
Accept that you might not shatter the illusion but you can learn to own it and accept it and understand that it is YOURS. It’s your mirage. It has nothing to do with him, and ultimately we all have something we can learn about that illusion and how to stop being addicted to it’s glittering allure when the real world out there might not glow so brightly, but might also show us colours we have not even thought about before.
@Tara,
I know you were speaking to the strong ladies on this site and not addressing us chickenshits, but I’m going to put my two cents in anyway… At 5 days NC I was absolutely convinced that I’d never make it through the weekend. At 10 I thought, great, now I’ve got myself a record, too bad I wasn’t setting the bar very high. As it happened, 10 days coincided with raging hormones, a rainy day, and his first heroic attempt at winning me back (for those who may not remember this feat of romantic desperation on his part – that would be that one-line text message). I made it through day 11 reading the posts here till Advil PM knocked me out, pretty much resigned however that will power had run dry and I’d be jumping on the rollercoaster again first thing in the morning. I figured I might as well stop counting, so I did, but then next thing I knew it was the two week mark and I was still fighting off his ardent advances. Again, for those not paying attention, those would be the tragically worded one-liners he would post next to his MSN picture. He was “sad and tiired†(I swooned). He “needed to be sedated†(how could I keep this cold and unfeeling when he was quoting the Ramones??) His home had then “become a house†(I clutched at my breast). Finally, while still needing to be sedated, he started “hunting for an Aston Martin†to fix up to fill his lonely hours (his manifest concern for me and my feelings could not be denied here).
Idly it occurred to me when I logged in yesterday to find instant messages waiting for me on the screen that it will be 3 weeks Sunday. I had no more desire to answer them then I’ve had to pick up my phone over the last few days when I see an area code from anywhere west of the Mississippi. As I write this, his MSN “bulletin†has changed again and he is now missing his best friend. Yaawwnnn…
Don’t get me wrong: the hurt still comes, a lot. It comes when I least expect it and something opens, then closes inside me as yet another little bit of hope that I don’t want to acknowledge seems to get away from me. As everyone here has said at some point, however, when that feeling of emptiness passes, you realize that overall you feel much lighter. There is no longer a weight tied around your neck dragging you down every day. In between those hard to get through times of missing him so acutely, I have periods of complete freedom from him now. I know they will keep getting longer and longer. Eventually even folks like me come to their senses. You will get there.
@Lisa
I think to them “us†stands for “unwanted smarmâ€. “Whaddya mean there is another person in this relationship??â€
@Meant
Here’s to groups of smart good-looking guys swarming around us. They just might pull me out of my Bitter and into the Eat Your Heart Out stage.
@aphrogirl
The “relationship†video wasn’t so bad. At least he kept most of his clothes on in that one. It was the ones that came after that made me cringe. Ironically, what had clearly aimed to turn me on had the exact opposite effect on me. I’m a little old-fashioned when it comes to vanity and I really believe that it’s the purview of us womenfolk. I don’t recall Prince Charming – or even Heathcliffe, the precursor of modern day EUMs – as having a mirror, mirror on the wall. And if I’d had a thing for the wicked stepmother, I would have found myself a different site to find comfort on when things got rocky between us. Oy. The poor Grimm brothers must be turning in their graves.
I’m not sure I agree Heathcliffe is EXACTLY a precursor of EUMs …
There’s still way too much emphasis on what “he” did. Perhaps this is a stage I have gotten to, however there’s an underlying reason why these men get to pull their crap and get away with it: us.
Pinning the blame on them is the very essence of what this thread is about: emotional laziness and an unwillingness to look at the things WE do or don’t do, the changes we have to make, the issues we have to face and accept.
This includes our own emotional unavailability, and it is not just men who are narcissists either (statistically it’s about 75% men by all accounts but I have encountered female Narcs and the red flags are just as clear).
I think your post made me say this Aega, indeed “mirror mirror on the wall” as I know for sure I have been emotionally unavailable and I don’t like it. The thing is, when we are screwed up in some ways then mirror is what we get when we get these idiots acting like … well, like idiots.
However – Prince Charming doesn’t exist. An aspiration of crowds of smart good looking guys – in my opinion, which is no expert opinion – is missing the point because it’s a fishing pool for more EUM/EUW spiral dancing. The work needed is by us, for us and can only be DONE by us but the first step of real recovery and a better life is accepting that WE have a problem – it just isn’t him or any other man.
Their behaviour is all about them: our behaviour is all about us and them because it’s so much easier to displace than to face. Analysing ourselves (without over analysing, there is a difference) and forcing yourself to see what is real instead of what you ‘d like to see is unpleasant but ultimately rewarding.
Much is said about EUM/AC behaviour and there is much sisterhood and support but there needs to be responsibility and accountability too because you owe it to the most important person in your life.
Do you have the balls to do something about it, even if you don’t like what you need to see?
Uh … wrong thread!! LOL! I stand by what I said tho.
I’ve decided to finally to finally follow my get-out plan. It’s so hard. I’m finally making myself deal with all these feelings, etc, and its awful. i feel like an emotional trainwreck. I know this will pass eventually. Any words of encouragement or advice woulld be helpful.
.-= dazedandconfused´s last blog ..Family Picture =-.
dazedandconfused,
You said you start back to college Monday – it isn’t a really big thing, but do expect a bit of depression. This happens any time you take a new job, buy a new house or car. Just be aware it happens to everyone, and don’t be quick to drop a class or drop out of school. Anyone can go back; and very few people find it easy to start. After the first couple of semesters you will know the school better, know the routines and expectations, have a better appreciation of how to use all the unsuspected resources of the library and the student union and the bookstore. Wait a long time before second guessing the choice to go back to school. You can do more and better than you imagine you can!
At the same time, take very good care to live an exciting, healthy life. You won’t learn if you don’t sleep. Start now with setting an early evening routine, go non-electronic at least an hour before sleep time. Figure out an appropriate breakfast, and set a regular time to get up each morning. Allow a bit of extra time to park one parking lot further out at school, and walk that bit farther to and from class. Plan on being at the classroom 15 minutes early, every time. Read at least a chapter ahead of the instructor’s assignments, and take lots of notes. The power of taking notes in class is organizing and capturing the details and points of the presentation, the act of writing helps imprint the information onto your short term memory. Even if you never review your notes for a test, taking the notes in the first place makes a big difference.
Showing up for each class session, even when told there is nothing special about a particular class, is an act of respect for the instructor and for the material – and for your discipline and dedication to master what is set before you.
If reading something doesn’t make sense – say, for instance, you can’t stay awake, your thoughts keep drifting, or you find the buzz from the fluorescent light from the bathroom in the basement of the house across the street to be terminally distracting – read the chapter a second or third time – then copy the whole thing out onto note paper (pencil). I usually find by the second page I am focusing on the material again – after I notice that when I keep writing after my fingers start hurting, some parts hurt more and other parts get numb.
The university I graduated had a student group for “re-entry” students. Get in touch with them, if one is available. Tips on getting to know the campus and routines, examples of how others balance priorities, and being able to rub elbows with people trying to return to student life can make this event in your life completely different.
Another resource was access to the track where PT was held – where we could walk in relative safety when the track wasn’t used for classes.
Even though it complicates your get-out plan, please consider the sleep, good nutrition, and planning you should do to be the best student you can be. Nothing you learn is ever wasted – even if it isn’t covered on a test.
Luck!
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Throw the bum out, and his kids =-.
Two months into therapy for a variety of emotional issues — sex addiction, love addiction, an acute fear of abandonment, etc. — I have come to the depressing realization that I have been a Mr. Unavailable for my entire adult life.
They say your emotional condition is equivalent to the age in which you began your addictions, which puts me somewhere around 11-13 (I am about to turn 36).
I grew up with an emotionally inconsistent father, and a codependent mother, and Dad’s stash of Playboys/Penthouses were a very welcome relief from whatever nurturing I wasn’t getting. (For young children, without access to drugs and alcohol, food and/or masturbation are the most effective coping mechanisms available.)
Of course, I didn’t realize that at the time; checking out nudie mags was just exciting. Now, I can only lament the damage it’s caused on my psyche as the usage and extremity of the material gradually escalated over the years.
Even though I’ve been an avid consumer of an inherently mysoginistic product, I’ve always envisioned myself as Mr. Nice Guy — affectionate, respectful, attentive, gracious, kind, thoughtful.
But while I do think those qualities are still fundamental portions of my inner being, I now realize that my attitudes and actions did not match in the slightest. I was using them as means of seduction, and distancing, rather than honest intimate interaction.
Then, time after time, for reasons that I had no idea were even happening, I would either send my partner packing with some lame excuse or convince myself that the relationship was doomed to implode and take off running. Rinse, repeat.
It’s a terrible cycle to be in — the thing that I want the most, a healthy intimate relationship, is also the thing I fear most, because I never developed the trust that somebody would trust and care for me.
Not only that, but I’ve lied so effectively about it that I’ve managed to convince myself that, unlike the other five or six billion people on the planet, I don’t need things like love, companionship and support.
I didn’t post this for sympathy. I just wanted to share that, as much as it sucks for you ladies to be involved with Mr. Unavailables, it sucks just as much for us, if not more. Especially once we’ve taken an honest look at our past, like I have, and realized the opportunities that have been squandered.
In closing, I’d like to offer a suggestion to anyone with even a slight curiosity about counseling — DO IT. IMMEDIATELY. WITHOUT HESITATION. This is something I should have done six or seven years ago, if not sooner. I’ve already learned more about myself in the last two months than I have in the previous 20 years.
It’s going to cost me the equivalent of a really nice car by the time I’m done. But in the end, what’s more important than your mental health?
PS — I have my flaws, but I am not an ass clown. So I have that going for me.
dan- I think is very nice that you trying to work on your issues and doing therapy.Most of the EUMs dont admit they have a problem or never look for help to change it.Good job and good luck on your efforts to become emotionaly avaliable,you are on the right track.
Anusha,
Remember that Dan is in the minority of those involved in the EUM cycle – he noticed the pattern, wanted out, and looked for help. Just like the small minority of ladies that notice the cycle, want a way out, and accept assistance. Like everyone else here.
Like Dan, the group of ladies that visit Baggage Reclaim and find help is a very small proportion of all women afflicted with repeated EUM relationships.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..tslr: Survival Prep, and choosing a spouse =-.
Brad K- I know but I think is good that he wants out and is doing whatever it takes for that.Most of the EUMs(like my ex for example) dont do that.A lot of them rely on their bad experiences in childhood to not do anything about it,they say “Well isnt my fault Im like that,Im like this because of all that happened to me when I was child”.And I agree that isnt their fault they become like that but I do think it is their fault that they arent doing anything to change it.Like NML says and shows here all the time,we can become emotionaly healthy if we want and work on our issues.
@ Anusha,
You are right.
@ Dan,
Sorry I sounded negative. Sometimes we wish all problems were going away, and I forget to celebrate when someone finds a better way.
Thanks.
.-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.
Dan,
You are AWESOME.
Brad — No offense taken, so no apology needed.
Unfortunately, you are right about the small percentage of people who seek help. I can see it in my family with my dad (possible sex addict, definitely unavailable emotionally, not just to mom but me and my sister as well) and my uncle (alcoholic, workaholic, possible sex addict).
Neither one of them are ever going to realize their issues, let alone take corrective steps, so at the very least I feel glad I’ve been able to do that. Not that I don’t wish sometimes I could take the red pill and go back into my stupor. This shit is hard work, and it’s most definitely not fun. But in the end, it’s the only choice I have.
Blaise — THANKS!!! Frankly, this site is awesome. Even as the type of man who many of the women here are trying to avoid — for now, I hope — it provides a ton of insight into my own behaviors and attitudes. And I am looking for any tool I can possibly find right now.
Anusha,
I was also in an LDR with my EUM. We started off being in the same city for a month, but then his job sent him to the west coast. I had no idea how to be successful in LDRs so I started looking on other websites. They talked about communicating often and setting up a visiting plan. I tried to talk about this with my EUM but he didn’t seem interested. I had so many talks with him about how important communication is and why he needs to make an effort to initiate communication. He would try but it seemed like it was a struggle for him to do this. It made me wonder why this was a struggle for him.
The last time I physically saw him was in March of this year for 3 days. When I asked him when the next time we could see each other, he said he didn’t know because of his schedule. He puts his job, his parents, friends and getting his pilots license before me. I am a low priority it seems. So 11 days ago, I broke up with him. I haven’t spoken to him sense. I’m just tired of feeling like i’m in a relationship by myself. When I told him that my needs were not being met and that I was breaking up, he said that I had an escape plan and that I probably have someone else that’s why I’m breaking up with him.
I am astonished that he doesn’t see how horrible of a boyfriend he has been to me. He apologized for not fulfilling my needs, but I haven’t heard from him since.
LDRs can be hard, but they shouldn’t be this hard. I can totally relate to your situation.
Tiffany-Good to know that you can relate to my situation.My ex seems to be pretty much like yours,he wouldnt iniciate contact and wouldnt do much effort to keep the comunication going.I agree that for a LDR to work you need a lot of comunication and visit plans like you said but my ex didnt seem to agree with it.He was happy with talking once a week and sometimes even less than that.And I did felt like a strugle too,like if I had to force him to keep contact.I know how bad it fells so you did the right thing by breaking up with him and going NC.Btw I realy like this sentence “So I’m just tired of feeling like i’m in a relationship by myself”,that is exactaly how it fells like. Stay strong and count with me if you need
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