There is a tendency when we feel more than a little ill done by for some of the poor choices that we make, to tag a man as an assclown…even when he’s not, and that’s simply because there is a general assumption by women who have a habit of pursuing poor men and relationships that each guy has the potential to be the one, or that they have to continue expending energy on a relationship when it’s flat out dead, and a general issue with letting go of things.
However, this isn’t just about understanding when a man isn’t an assclown, it’s also about recognising that you can’t cling onto every man and relationship because breaking up, whilst horrible, is a part of life and we can’t just decide that we’d rather stick with poor relationships because we’re afraid to let go and are resistant to change.
Whilst change can be uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it.
In the book I explain that “You’ll be outraged and indignant that he’s not still there with you wanting what you want. You’ll think about how you feel, and wonder how he can’t feel the same way. You may wonder if there is someone else or whether he’s confused/scared/having a moment and be plotting how to get him to come around to your way of thinking. You’ve already decided that you’re more than happy to try, to keep working at the relationship and you can’t understand why he doesn’t want to try. Or you may be using every expletive under the sun as you rage at yourself and anyone else who will listen about the fact that the relationship has ended.
Whatever it is that you do, you may have got it into your head that he’s an assclown because he had the cheek to end the relationship, and I’m here to tell you that, yes whilst some men are complete and utter assclowns when they break up with you, in general, a man breaking up with you does not an assclown make.
Hard as this may be for you to digest, not every relationship has potential or is built to last. Relationships do end and annoying as it may be, men are allowed to end relationships and break up with us.
YOU may be OK with middle of the road, mediocrity, or constantly trying to ‘make things work’ but the fact that he doesn’t share that same desire is not a crime and it certainly doesn’t make him an assclown.
You have to ask yourself why you want a relationship with someone that doesn’t?
If he wants out of the relationship, why don’t you want out of the relationship?
What are you seeing about the relationship that he doesn’t?
What is he seeing about the relationship that you don’t?
Ultimately, the biggest thing that you have to accept about breaking up is that it’s not just about what you want.
You cannot project what you think, feel, want, and need onto someone, and assume that ipso facto, they think, feel, want, and need exactly the same things as you. You may have been in a relationship but it doesn’t mean that we have to lose our sense of self and merge each others personalities, characters, and desires.”
The difference between a man that breaks up with you and an assclown that breaks up with you is how the latter man treats you in the run up to the breakup or afterwards. To be honest, if a relationship is ending, it’s difficult to make it a ‘pleasant’ experience, but that doesn’t mean that a guy should treat you like crap till you get sick of him and dump him, cheat on you, or dump you and then keep trying to keep a foothold in your life so he can get you to break him off a piece when it suits.
We, that’s men and women, are allowed to change our mind though, and at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what things were like six months ago, two years ago, or that he said he was crazy about you six months ago, because something has changed, and he’s not crazy about you now and that’s what matters. We have to be careful of becoming fixated on trying to re-ignite a flame or feeling that has been extinguished or possibly didn’t exist…
You know I’ll call a spade a spade, but the fact that you don’t want it to end and he does, may be more of an indicator that one of you has a firmer foot in reality than they do in the relationship that only you want.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
{ 82 comments }
← Previous Comments
annied, an “MLC” is a licensed counselor that doesn’t have a a Ph.D. Psychologists are Ph.D.s, which means they have more years of college under their belt. Some think it’s better to go to a psychologist because they have more eduction, but I think it really depends on the therapist as to whether they are going to be helpful to you or not. I wouldn’t let that keep you from going to see someone–I have been seeing a therapist for years and it has helped me a lot–with EUM issues, and other life challenges also. Some people think therapy is for weak people, but I see it as just the opposite. I think people who realize they need some help with their life difficulties are the ones who are courageous and strong. Good luck!
annied,
I am sorry to hear you think there is something wrong with your thinking. Hope you are not in such distress that is affecting your well being. Maybe you could see yourself as having growing pains – seeing troubled behavior you have never seen before and noting you are willing to address it, there is nothing wrong with that.
Here in the states I have had good luck with therapists who have the title MSW, a masters in social work, not a PHD. I found a woman I love twenty years ago, and use her to help me anytime I get stuck with a problem and seem to be making no progress.
I have always viewed therapists as helpers; one still has to do the bulk of the work on one’s own. But a skilled therapist can help you clarify what the problem is and help guide you in a direction that will be helpful.
If thinking about paying for therapy I think three things are in order;
1) Find a wise and kind one whose style and belief system resonates with you. This is pretty important, we all come from different mindsets. Here in the states if you are the kind of person who want drugs you go to a psychiatrist. If you don’t want drugs, you avoid them and seek therapists.
2) Don’t think that seeing them for an hour every week or two weeks is the work ! Thats only the groundwork. I like to always come in to a session and get feedback on how I am doing and leave with an assignment on how to proceed to work on my problem.
3) Unless your problem is life threatening don’t feel, that you have to keep going for months or years, though if insurance will pay, that could be great.
When I am in distress, I call it ‘crises mode’ , my counselor knows I will want to come in for two or three sessions over a months time and then get back to working on my own. Seeing her is how I deal with anything I am stuck on, including work related issues. Keeps me moving forward. I usually end up seeing her 2 – 8 times a year.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to find a person you find sympatico. If you are lucky enough to find one, they can be a guide for life.
Good luck ! Don’t be hard on yourself, these EUM/ Arseclowns do a number on plenty of women, and while the insanity of it is a bit frustrating, once you begin to see the insanity there is an out and much to learn from the whole process
Hey Christine,
To quote you:
“Christine April 13th, 2009, 1:32 am
It’s been six years and I still wonder what the hell happened. In the end, I didn’t want an explanation of what went wrong, I just wanted back the relationship that I thought I had. It turned out to be fantasy relationship and it was wonderful! I loved the way I felt about myself when I was with him. Over time I learned those positive feelings really lived in me – he didn’t give them to me. Assclown or good guy? Didn’t really matter. The guy is gone and he’s never coming back.”
I say kudos to you for realizing that the relationship you thought you had was really only your own making. i.e. In your head.
I would be curious to hear how you are doing. Keep strong. ts.
aphrogirl: I think that you gave the most insightful answer – for me anyway – as to how smart, and intellient women can get caught up with these men: I presumed that anyone who could verbalize that he was not happy but content was looking to get happy.
Big mistake on my part. He acknowledged that he wasn’t happy. If I had been content, but not happy, I sure as heck would have been working to improve my life to become happy. I learned a big lesson about projecting onto someone else. Don’t do it.
Sad, yes, ACs are. Thing is: My choice to get involved with him made me sad as well. Six months and one week of no contact. It does make me stronger everyday.
Hi Elizabeth,
Girl, it’s time to stop counting!!!
Gaynor: You are absolutely correct.
Just out of curiosity: How long should one mourn? grieve? Is there like a minimum time? A maximum time?
Elizabeth;
You wrote awhile back on this post : “I should be over him by now. … I never ever wanted anyone who didn’t want me. But, yet, here I am. My task is to heal me and figure out how I got hooked.”
I read that earlier today and knew we had been to the same hellish place. I even experienced the same metaphor..the clown in my life was a fishing guy and I felt like a fish that had been played with for a good long while and thrown back…with the line still on, just so he could to tug on it every so often.
Gaynor, that is what keeps women like us stuck..If you have never been “thrown back”, dissed like that, well it’s quite a shock, especially if you are older. I suppose thats why its hard to let it go, we can’t understand why someone would choose to act like that, we’re ‘re still trying to figure out why someone would choose to devalue like that.
And here is the answer and its also an answer to NML’s post.
There is NO understanding an assclown, They do not operate by conventional standards of decent behavior. You can struggle with it all you want but in the end, if you are a decent person you will NOT be able to understand the assclown, because you are not like him, thank the lord.
And that is how you tell if the one who “broke up with you” is an assclown. If the ending is cruel, confusing or unfathomable, if they lie, avoid, slink away, disappear… that is not the way a man does it, that is the MO of a clown.
I do like your cheerleading though Gaynor, sometimes you have to throw up your hands, admit there are things that will never make sense, and get on with the joy that is in life.
It is true assclowns have their own behaviour codes that seem to justify all their assclown behaviour…
“oh sex with her wasn’t planned” blergh right you have no self control just got to have what you want and when you want it no thought to doing the decent thing???
And it is also true they don’t seem to learn from their behaviour or grow from it just go on repeating it…
I also never realised how much thinking for you an assclown does.. I didn’t know he always knew what was best for me until recently nor did I know how his mo was the same on most of the women he has dated so made me also wake up to the fact I was nothing special.. makes me mad at me for ignoring most of what I should have already known…
Thank goodness for a friend last night after seeing a stupid “hollywood” movie .. I felt an overwhelming need to contact ex eum.. my friend not talking about my situation said guys always move on so much quicker than girls .. so fortunately she said enough for me to stay away.. I know already hollywood endings aren’t real…
Goodluck to all on this journey of self discovery and staying away from those assclowns nicely defined by aphrogirlb..
so how do you explain a guy, after amicably ending things because he fell out of love, says after few months that he misses you, but it’s his fault, and his sorry and that we stay friends? it’s the first time i’ve met this kind of ‘confused’ men and it drove me really insane. i’ve met a lot of men before, but never the type who are confused and undecided. is it my problem that i attract this kind of men lately?
Rinoa, I wish I could explain a guy like that. But confused men come in all forms. Maybe he is an assclown who had a moment of clarity which made him end it upfront and amicably. Maybe he is a generally good guy who is only momentarily confused. Who knows?
It doesn´t really matter in the end. What matters is that he can´t give you what you want, drove you insane and that you are better of without him in your life.
Hi, I realized that there is a Lisa here, and I am also lisa, so didn’t want to confuse anyone, and I want to vent a little.
Hey Elizabeth, I’m about 3 months plus a few into the no contact, and in the beginning, it felt like so horrible that how was I ever going to feel better or get over him, and now even still I miss him, but if I think back to that initial 6 weeks, I finally now know that I don’t feel that super sharp longing,non-stop hurting, agonizing and pining, “how am I ever going to get past this” feeling everyday anymore. But there are rough moments: I am a musician, and this Easter, I had to request to the contractor that I NEVER be placed on a job with this AC again. (I didn’t not call him an ass to the contractor). The contractor asked why, and I gave him the truth. So, this week was a big, painful one for me because it affected my life again and I had to make choices to stay away so I can continue healing. I thought about the guy ALL weekend, and it dredged up nostalgia, romantic feelings and most of all PAIN. So, I think it is sometimes the proverbial “2 steps forward, one step back” kind of healing at times. I’m pretty sure the guy must have found my you tube account, too, because all of a sudden my videos have all these hits where before they’d just get a few viewers (mostly just my kids, me and my dogs doing music…. yes, the dogs sing
He is willing to look at me over and over in videos, but not come to me and have a real relationship. He isn’t capable of it, and I tried to make him be. I tried to imagine a world where he and I were just being ourselves together in love with each other forever, but that was just my fantasy. I don’t fall in love very often… maybe once every 12 years or so if I averaged it out, so I wanted this one to turn out “real.”
Hang in there!
Elizabeth,
I don’t know what the timing should be but if we are still holding on to this and not progressing with our lives there is clearly a problem. Do we think they are still counting the days and mourning over us, No! Also, do you think your friends who handle relationships in a healthy way would they still be mourning over the loss of one of these fools, NO!!! (Actually, they would have never gotten involved with one of these guys)
Hon, we must remember that this site is meant for clarity and guidance in ones life, not to continually dwell on something that has long since past. (I’m not applying this to you, this is only a general statement)
Aphro
The same happened to me but I refuse to waste anymore time trying to figure out why my friend and lover treated me the way he did? Why?? It doesn’t matter, what will this bring??? The most important thing is that I NEVER get involved in a relationship of this nature again.
I suggest you go back and read the three-part posts on validation.
Elizabeth,
I’m confused? In one comment you had said it had been a year since the break and in the other it was six-months. I don’t understand?
Gaynor:
I finally walked away one year ago. There was contact 3 times after that, work related, but there has been absolutely no contact for six months, other than the, “Hello,” of introductions in meetings.
hi truthhurts,
thanks a lot. yeah, that pretty explains it. he didn’t really did something bad or awful, he just turned cold for a month after a fight then came upfront and told me he had fallen out of love. i guess i was shocked with the change of heart coz i believe love is more than those giddy feelings. but i really learned a lot.
Elisabeth – Lisa – Getting thrown aside without explanation is damaging…I mentioned earlier – I am a little more than three months out of the relationship that ended in the disappearing act…a phone call to plan a visit..how much he missed me and so forth…then gone. I am sure Gaynor will have something to say about this – but I can’t get angry about this for whatever reason – I do not know why. The sadness is different than what it was for the first two months after it ended. Today I realized I was sad (call it a pitty party, naive or whatever) because he could actually do that to someone like me…that he is living a shallow, broken life….but more sad that I really do not want to turn into a mistrusting, hard, cold woman…and most of all sad because I feel so humiliated. I really want to get angry but can’t…my friends think I am nuts…Now I am at the point that if I want to think about him…I think about his weakness and how more damaging that would be for me if he did not diss me. I have been trying to tell myself “he did you a favor”…some days it is more convincing than others…So when you beat yourself up for feeling like you should get through it…you need to give yourself a break. You have already beat the crap out of yourself in this relationship…don’t punish yourself for feeling the emotions you feel…just know the difference between wallowing as avoidance vs. an emotional moment. You know yourself well enough to know if your grieving is way out of hand…but also take into consideration you are also grieving over a part of yourself that is missing.
Kimba, you write
“….. I really do not want to turn into a mistrusting, hard, cold woman…and most of all sad because I feel so humiliated. I really want to get angry but can’t ”
dear I have not read all your posts to know how long its been, but I am in week three of NC with one who checked out on me, and it’s still like riding waves that are way over my skill level. I was OK week one and two, but this week I need to be here.
Somehow I know it gets better, because we are here taking action. Somehow I know we will not lose our will to love. I believe that because we we have seen AC behavior and find it so reprehensible, that we could not let ourselves become that way. Though i admit there are times when I blame the AC for stealing my joy.
But I know that is not true. Blaming him just keeps me from remembering that joy comes from inside of me. And giving love and joy to others brings me even greater joy.
One thing I have learned from this; love spreads more love BUT some people are not able to truly receive or give love and we need to recognize that sad fact when we see it and kindly move on so our love can act as the nurturing rain that it is.
Now, If you need something completely different to cry about,
) which is helping me deal with the cynical fallout from the AC..go watch the Susan Boyle u tube vid with & zillion hits again, it will open your heart. Sure makes me cry, though.
Aphrogirl–
Susan Boyle is The Bomb!
She has mother who is dying, no job (and no man/AC), advanced years for her dream career path…and the best spirit! God bless her! Made me feel like I was in the first grade again: very positive; with no fears or apprehensions about having limits put upon me.
These ACs, most act the way they do b/c they are taking out THEIR past miseries (or lack of “action”/booty with the women) with you and the rest of whomever they target. I used to think that the right woman could make them better, but no, that is not the case, based on what I am seeing around me.
The key is to get the hell out, go NC forever, and do your best to never regret your choice, no matter what happens to you in life. These people do NOT change, unless they PROACTIVELY (a la Boyle) make a point to change their lives!
If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, it’s a freaking DUCK! Actions speak louder than words. And don’t go with first impressions (again, a la Boyle). Good ones are quite easy to make, b/c impressions are made in a flash–that is why they are called impressions. Imprints, like pressing your hands in cement for 1 second..an impression that lasts forever.
kimba, I never got angry either and my friends could not understand that, they said: Why are you not getting mad at this a**hole it will make you feel better. No, it would not make me feel better, what made me feel better was understanding what happened to me and the role I played in that mess. No need to get angry for me, more important is not to do that again. Is he the only one to blame?
Don’t think so, it takes two to Tango, doesn’t it.
No to get off subject – I did see the clip of Susan Boyle a few nights ago…cried like a baby…proving I am so much more sensitive about everything right now.
This man looked at me and said what he wanted for us…told me he did not want to make mistakes with me…that he made mistakes in the past and wanted something great with me…(come to think of it that is a red flag isn’t it?) and continues on a path in that direction and then disappears. I know it takes two to tango but I kept my head together on this one…he kept telling me I had my guard up …so I worked on that and when I let it down – poof. I honestly think I was too much for him – and he just wants to skim the surface and jump around in shallow relationships. There is a possibility that ACs know what they should do but sabotage it…believe me I have been there.. Because he broke off with me certainly does not make him an AC…the manner in which he did it make him one. I really do hope someday I can get angry and replace the word clown with HOLE…but I really don’t know if I ever will! Used, Aphrogrl and astelle – Thank you so much for your responses…every experience or bit of advice you share is helpful more than you can imagine.
” I really do hope someday I can get angry and replace the word clown with HOLE…”
I don’t think I ever will because calling him a clown puts it in a compassionate way that I understand this. Clown is sad under the ” smile”, these guys are sad. The fact that we may be guarded at times, we all bring our flaws to every relationship, but we have compassion that would not let us act so cruel to another if we wanted to break it off.
They are clowns cause they are sad under any smiles you might get, they are sad because they self sabotage, they know it, No doubt that my AC flaked a bitt more everytime we got closer. They are clowns because they know this and don’t care enough to do the hard work to rise above it. Meanwhile the shock and damage they do to those of us who trusted and loved them…well it’s all right here.
Knowing others who have experienced this ( and others who have not experienced the disappearing act..emo and/ or physical, with someone they really loved, can not really understand our grief and our reactions. Abandonment like this is not the same as someone who breaks it off in a respectful way.
Yes, thanks everyone here because many of you have been just what I have been through, you understand my pain NML”s posts help us all help each other as we walk forward.
I could use some insight here…After what I have read on this site…and thinking of my own situation (In short – hot in pursuit at the beginning…complete gentleman…then hot and cold…then the disappearing act) I am asking myself some questions….Is there a difference between an AssClown and a ‘Playa’? An assclown may have not idea he is a noncommital AC with narcissistic tendencies – although there is no excuse for the terrible behavior these guys seem so damaged they talk themselves into being ‘right’ or talk themselves out of a relationship…..A player knowingly lies and betrays. I have been struggling with if I was played the entire time, he knew I had an expiration date and was not getting attached for that reason….OR….if he really believed he meant every word…but as the relationship progressed…he invented something in his head the talked himself ‘out of me’ and the relationship. On the surface the Playa and AC appear to be the same…Or are they? To me, a Playa may eventually change but an AC is an AC pretty much forever.
I’ve just come out of a 3 year relationship. To be honest I have no idea if he could be considered an AC, or if the real world became too much for him to handle. I don’t even know if he can be considered EU.
The guy I was with started out as the perfect gentleman. We had 6 months of pure bliss, to the point he said he felt we just clicked. He was living in a flat at the time, and after 4 months I’d been spending every night there. We would go for a walk to get meals, or go to the store to buy supplies then cook together.
During those 6 months we’d had 1 argument, that was it. Then we moved in together. Suddenly it all changed. He earned more than me therefore he expected me to do the lions share of housework, even though we shared the bills.
I spent my time doing the groceries. Not once in those 3 years did he come and help, or give suggestions for what he’d like for dinner. Not once in those 3 years did he even say so much as an I love you on valentines day.
When I had a tonsilectimy, he didn’t want to wait with me before I went in, even though I was scared. And when he picked me up, he waited in the car, while I shambled out with the help of a nurse because I was still dizzy.
I must add that he played a game hailed as the killer of relationships – World of Warcraft. He got me into it after our first 4 months. I said to him I didn’t want to be addicted, and I’d want to go out. He said that was cool, and it would be good that I drag him away from it too.
Over the last year, everything has just been escalating down hill. He said he loved me, said he wanted to buy a house with me.. but over the past year he hasn’t once wanted to go out, or do anything together, unless it was in game.
Then, after a string of fights, a discussion about kids in which he has one with an ex, and doesn’t want any more, but I do one day, he iniated a break up.
The worst part is that until I find a new place I’m still living with him. The breakup was not spiteful or nasty, we agreed to remain friends, but now he’s acting so nice.
Was I wrong to not be happy with the attention he did give me in a game? To not want to feel like a maid doing it all? Is it wrong to feel hurt that he’s being so nice to me now, to know that he’ll never call me babe, or kiss me, even though he came to the bed we shared for 3 years last night and put his arm around me?
Why would he do that if he doesn’t enjoy my company any more?
How have the rest of you managed being alone since? I can’t imagine being able to handle it.
I still can’t get over my guy. I thought he loved me. He used to say that I was stuck with hin to the end and I believed him. We were together 4 1/2 years. I helped him through a lot – too much to get into. He started to withdraw this summer and when I asked him he said no, nothing was wrong – but I knew there was. I found out he met someone(she approached him). I found out who she was and where she lives (he doesn’t know) and I drive by and she is still with him. What happened? I’m pretty, nice and loved him to death and he went with her. He would not answer my calls and he ran like a baby – why? It’s been almost a year and I still can’t get over this. I miss him like crazy and I hope he will call me, even though he hurt me so bad for no reason – What do I do??
@ Lisa,
When we lose someone, for whatever reason – we grieve. This is a natural process, the hurt, the denial. Later acceptance and healing will help us make a place in our hearts for the memories we treasure, the lessons we learned – and put it into perspective so we can live the rest of our lives. In one form or another similar turmoil accompanies all changes in life. You may find help talking about the grieving part with someone familiar with grief.
The first thing to do, though – is stop stalking this other lady. She did nothing wrong – if he had been honorable, respectful, discipline, this would never have happened. Either he would have felt the relationship ended for him, and left on his own before even noticing another woman – or his character sucked pond water and he was never honorable or loyal in the first place, and merely found you convenient to stay with for a time. Whatever she did or didn’t do, she is not the reason he is gone.
When you talk about helping him through things, this sounds like therapy or enabling, or something equally as disastrous in a relationship. Change is chaotic. Any time you have major changes in life there is a chance that relationships – family, friends, work – come undone, or change. Doctors are warned against treating their family because their own affections get in the way of the patient’s best interest. While we might think that helping someone creates a relationship, the reality is that we are seen either as a burden or figure of authority – and uncomfortable in a life-mate relationship of partners.
To make a shared life, we have to see our partner as healthy. They may have afflictions, but if they don’t see a missing limb or other issue as significant, and you don’t – that isn’t an issue. Mental and emotional issues are another kind of problem, because that gets back to “helping them through things” and places burdens on the relationship.
How to get past this? You choose to live. You focus on the details of life, add new activities if you need something to fill your thoughts and time. Call it distraction, entertainment, etc.
There are some things you should do, as part of moving on. First is to figure out why you wanted a guy that eventually moved on. Instead of thinking only about why he left, understand why you picked a guy like that, and why you stayed. He didn’t respect you in the way he left; it is doubtful he respected you when you met. He wasn’t a suitable prospect for a shared life relationship – so why did you try to share your life with him, when he wasn’t ready or able to share his life? You look back on your time together as “I helped him through so many things” – why would you want a mate that wasn’t a full partner? Why were you so accepting of his indiscipline?
The reason to understand what you did when you chose him (or just accepted his attention without question), is to recognize a good man in the future. To recognize the cripples and sex adventurers and perpetual daters that will never develop into a life-long sharing, and avoid them.
After that, each time you think of him, or of how things ended – immediately think of something else. Keep a short list of things to do that day, and when thoughts of him crop up – pull out the list, and figure out what is done, partly done, and still to do. If you practice not spending time thinking of him, of what happened, the rest of your life can return and take it’s place, filling up your day. After that – who knows? Some good man might notice you are available, or you might notice someone you want to know better.
But do give it a good long while before giving up. Healing takes as long as it takes.
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
I am 6 months out of a LTR (10 yrs) and still struggling. He has been dating for a few months and I stupidly held out hope that there was a chance for us. I held onto every possibility, reading into what he had said. But really, there is no chance. I am finding it so hard to accept. He wants to be friends. It hurts that he’s seeing someone. I haven’t been able to tell him that I can’t do friendship yet. I am trying to become strong enough to do it and stick to it. The attachment of being with someone for that long is hard to break. But accepting his crumbs of friendship isn’t good for me either. I hurt, I’m hurting, it f’ing hurts. Sometimes he misses me…why say that to me? I don’t think he has any idea how much it hurts. I can’t be friends just to please him or make him feel less guilty.
I am trying to let go a realtionship in which i was beaten. i was still telling myself i loved him and wanted us to work. now i am asking myself how and why did i stay in the relationship. why do i have low self esteem. this never happened to me before and i am really struggling with letting go and moving on i want to, but i miss him or the idea of a relationship so much,it just hurts. This all ahppened last month, but we have been together for 2 yrs. just reading this site is helping me but i really need to focus on getting on with my life.
Karen Thompson,
Sorry you are hurting.
Brad K.’s last blog post..Mate finances
@Brak K,
I very much like your advice to lisa, especially the bit about practising not thinking about him and pulling out the list of other things to think about and do.
That’s something I’ll be taking on to clear my head of Mr EU (et al). Thank you.
And Karen Thompson, I’m sorry you’re hurting too. It’s bad stuff, but it will pass and if you learn better now it won’t happen to you again.
Best Regards. Leonine.
Reading these stories is making me very sad, not for myself and my own experiences though yet AGAIN something else leaps out, he used to say in the early days that I had an escape hatch and could change my mind … ok now you’re stuck with me … and BINGO I think this was the thing that trapped me into it. The ILLUSION of being wanted the way I had always hoped for.
All his friends were either married or pairing off – I am finding myself worrying now “maybe it was all me?” and slapping myself back into reality. No. He wants that security and love, he just knows damned well that he can’t handle it. I am feeling some compassion for him now – it just isn’t translating into allowing myself to care again. Is it? I tell myself one thing but won’t be surprised if I wake up crying.
It is a bereavement process, it’s probably better if you don’t HAVE to see them (such as work) to think of them as dead. After all, if your dream man had been hit by a truck when still blowing hot and before he had shown his real self, you would have had no answers at all and would have been raging against a cruel world dealing such a blow. Be kind to yourself – they’re dead to you in terms of being the person you believed.
I think its a fair assessment that just because a guy breaks up with you … it doesn’t qualify him as an assclown.
There are various reasons why a guy could break up with you and at the end of the day it may be a more selfless act over anything else.
Like you say, relaitonships are two way streets. You have to give and take and the same happens with a break up.
I think the best thing with a breakup is to make a clean break and then go through the process.
Go through the pain, the hurt and be gentle with yourself. You can blame your boyfriend for breaking up with you … but its only going to delay the painful process
Hot Alpha Female
Your Go To Girl For Dating Advice
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Latest Post: The “He’s Just Not That Into†Rules. Do They Really Apply?
I agree with Hot Alpha Female.
My last EUM (which I can proudly say I’ve recognized within 2 months) and I broke up mutually. I told him that I want to date other men because I want a healthy relationship and he told me that he wants to be strong like me and took my advice to seek therapy for all of his multi-baggages that he’s carrying.
This guy I do consider a wonderful guy. He had “dropped ” hints to me twice on why I should not be with him and that’s why I’m restarting therapy again. I want to understand why I didn’t take those red flags he graciously handed to me and run!
But not all guys who break up with us are ACs. Some are nice enough to do us favors. Sometimes, we don’t the favor until later on.
← Previous Comments