How to end up being the Other Woman
May 21, 2008 by NML
on this post
I’m currently working on the chapter about the Other Woman for my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, and I have put together a list of reasons why the Other Woman may find herself in this dubious understudy role:
You’ll find yourself in this dubious understudy role if:
You have had a painful break-up or divorce that has left you feeling distrusting of relationships or men.
You have been cheated on.
You claim to want to be independent and without commitment.
You’re very comfortable with secrecy, even with people you regard as close friends
You’re inclined to put your life on hold for guys, often letting work and family suffer when you’re in a relationship.
You have low self-esteem.
You find it easy to delude yourself by believing in the possibilities and the potential.
You have thought that you are second best (or worse) with other relationships, or possibly even with your family.
You ignore red flag behaviour and have a habit of only focusing on the ‘good’ things.
You end up choosing men when you’re in a desperate place emotionally.
You hang with a number of women who are also OW’s.
You allow sex to blind your judgment and mistake good sex and a physical connection for a reason to stay invested.
You fear being alone but you also fear what comes with a fully fledged, committed, relationship.
You’re the type of person that makes ultimatums or sets deadlines that are never followed through on.
You have an inability to abort the mission.
You struggle with setting and keeping boundaries. They tend to extend to accommodate bad behaviour.
But what actually keeps an OW there and why doesn’t she walk away when she finds out that he’s a married or attached man?
A woman will often find herself on the slippery slope of being the Other Woman because he makes her feel special. He appears unable to resist her because he appears to be willing to risk his other relationship. If a man is trying it with you when he has someone at home, there must be something wrong with the main woman.
But actually, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong with her. Some men will play away no matter how good they have it. They’d tell you otherwise and make you feel like it’s a special occasion that he’s doing this with you, but the reality is that this is just how some men roll.
We’re too busy thinking what must be wrong at his end to concern ourselves with the fact that if he’s screwing around behind someone else’s back, not only is it a poor indicator of his character, but it’s a poor indicator of how he regards you…
Your thoughts? Why do you think women end up in this situation? If you’ve been the Other Woman, can you suggest other reasons?
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is available from July 1st…in paperback. Get acquainted with Mr Unavailable with my ebook. Find out more.
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In my experience everything you have said is true. If there is a relationship with a mr Unavailable I have had it. I admit that I have been a OW in the past and if it wasn’t for the fact that I hit rock bottom with him and was forced to walk away even though my heart was saying something else, i’d probably still be there today. I thought that because he chased me and seemed to be in agony over the whole idea of cheating behind his wifes back that he must really love me to risk so much. But he wasn’t really risking anything. He’s cheated before although he told me he hadn’t and no matter what happened he was never going to leave his wife. There was nothing to risk really because if you know that you’re never gonna make the break and that one way or another you’ll resolve things with the wife or girlfriend if she finds out, it’s a very calculated risk. Real men don’t cheat . Sometimes there is overlap because that’s life but a man who truly wants to be with you will keep the overlap to a minimum and clean up his situation.
We fell in love. It started 7 years ago as a sexual affair when we were both married. We met once every two weeks or so in a hotel. In those hours together, we shared our lives, hopes, dreams, problems, laughted and cried together; more than what I shared with my best friends. It was all about sex for me initially and it helped me to survive and feel like I deserved more from my marriage to a man who was unavailable emotionally and was mean spirited. It was on and then off again several times while I was working with my marriage (unfortunately the husband wasn’t doing any work). When I finally ended my marriage I was looking to date others but my MM weaved back into my life. He had professed his love to me way before that and I had resisted. I have still dated others but he has remained in his marriage since he has two little girls he can’t stand to leave. I know I deserve more. He admits he is a coward. He knows I won’t wait forever.
NML, i ve been reading your articles about being the other woman.. and i must say THANK YOU. Reading it made me realize imnot alone. And that i wasnt going insane, i made a mistake, a honest mistake , which i will probably regret for the rest of my life, but that doesnt mean im a horrible person.
I had 2 traumatic experiences: 1 my dad cheated on my mum after 30 yrs of marriage, and i had to be my mothers shoulder, and 2 as a result i had a painful break up of a relationship of 4 years… and like magic Mr. Unavailable came to my life..and i accepted it, now i understand that i accepted it cause i just didnt want to commit, cause i had lost my north, i was just all over the place… The situation lasted only 3 months, i couldnt do it anymore, it wasnt enough for me..but it was hard to break up, and stay clear from him, cause i had to see him and his gf every day and every social occasion…
Now, as you said in your articles, im puttin all the energy in me, like you i have dated othe clowns after him (none of them were attached, but all where just commitmentphobes) and after the last one i just put a balnace in my life and i saw that i was seeking all this emotional unavailable men cause i didnt want to commit. I was jeopardizing my own sanity.
And im enjoying getting to know myelf and coming to terms to what happend with my father and how i ended my 4yr relationship…and although everything seems pitch black, i hope one day i ll find love again…
And again, THANK YOU for your writing
i say, if she’s that dumb you can do it again to her, and we should give it a goe, I’ll pretend to be the dumbwife’s friend.