I thought it was time to post a little excerpt which, judging by the comments on my last post, ‘Why do we throw ourselves at bad relationships and then wonder why it hurts?’, is rather timely.
In How to Lose An Assclown in 90 Days, I explain the 7 Deadly Trappings of Relationships with Assclowns and one of them is our tendency to be too compassionate and couple it with projection:
“I’m going to cut right to the chase and be blunt – men are not children that you need to raise from the ground up. It’s not about taking a man with rocky foundations (or even non-existent) and building your vision of him on top of it and teaching him how to be. I hate to break it to you, but one, if not two people, have already parented the man that is in front of you. Someone else gave birth to him and he has grown up and the end result has been an assclown, or at the very least, a man that behaves like an assclown to you.
Men are not waifs and strays, patients at rehab, or people to feel sorry for because they’re ‘wounded’ and one of the hardest lessons that you need to face is that if you extended even half of the compassion that you extend to these men to yourself, you would already be on the road to being a happier, healthier you and these men would not be a part of your life. You listen to excuses, pathetic stories, lies, and all sorts of verbal diarrhea from these men and then you sit back and think, ‘Ahâ! I should give him another chance. He seems genuinely sorry this time and I know that if I had behaved this way and was given another chance, I would be different, so of course, he will be different’.
This…is bullsh*t.
The trap that women that love assclowns fall into, is that in having ridiculous levels of ‘compassion’ towards these men, you also couple it with the overly simple art of projection. In essence, whatever way you think you would behave if someone were to do what you’re doing for them, you decide it’s what they’ll do. You also have a troublesome habit of being able to recognise on some levels that you have your own issues so you decide that you wouldn’t want someone to be harsh on you for having your issues, so you won’t be harsh on them.
Let me tell you something right now – relationships do not work like this and neither does logic because you and him are not the same person and you’re not even in the same relationship. Aside from the fact that you avoid the reality of his behaviour, you’re the only one with your foot in the relationship and you’re trying to do enough loving for the both of you.
You cannot project how you feel, think, and see things on him. Not only is this co-dependent where you’re avoiding being independent and unhealthily merging the two of you because you place no value in you as an entity, but he has already demonstrated time and time and time again, that he does not feel, think, and see things as you do. If he did, you wouldn’t be reading this!
How you feel does not become how he feels and in its simplest terms this boils down to: Just because you have decided that you love him and want the relationship does not mean that ipso facto, he loves you and wants the relationship too.
In an ideal world, reciprocity in your relationships could leave you reassured that if you treat someone well, they treat you well, but people do not work this way. If they did, the world would be one big happy place.
If you want to be assured of reciprocity, then you need to choose better men to have better relationships with, because choosing an assclown and wondering why he behaves badly, is like knowingly leaving your handbag with a wad of a cash in it in front of a handbag thief and wondering why he’s taken it… You’re focused on the fact that you’re showing him trust and care, and forgetting what’s in front of you – a thief.
In disentangling yourself from your involvement with assclowns, you are going to have to separate how you feel and what you want from what he does because right now, you are ignoring the reality of him and effectively doubling up.
One of the things that happens as you have more and more time away from these men and cold turkey it, is that you recognise that even though you were afraid of being on your own, or feeling what you feel on your own, you were already alone even when you thought they were there. The stark reality will hit that it’s only you that feels this and when it does, this is when you will begin the acceptance that comes with realising that when a man doesn’t want you, you have got to stop wanting him and giving him everything you’ve got, even when he’s not even there to take it! He doesn’t deserve your compassion; he deserves to have the door closed on him. Actually forget closed – make it SLAMMED!
Remember, when you over extend yourself to men that are unworthy of your time and energy, the ‘emotional stock’ has to come from somewhere which means you will have to detract from yourself in order to be with him. This, is not love. It’s pain. It’s a subtraction. And if you don’t see the chump assclown for what he is and bail, you will realise that he’s walked away with a chunk of you and left you with a big hole. You’ll wonder who the hell you are. You’ll also start to believe that the only way that you can feel ‘complete’ is by being with him anyway. But…you rapidly discover that it’s a vicious cycle and instead…you need to cut off…and regroup with you and rebuild. In essence, you need to be compassionate to yourself and put you out of your own misery.”
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Dear Tryingtoleavehim,
I am by no means in a position to offer any advice, I’ve got a huge mess I am trying to deal with but what I will say, the women on here have all been here, done that. NML writes more explicitly than any other self help book I’ve ever come across, it is spot on, have you read it yet? I read it in two days because I couldn’t put it down because of the road map about these guys and how to handle it besides giving it a name, I realized I wasn’t that crazy afterall!
Leaving is not easy, I know. Fill your day with worthwhile causes (is he a worthwhile cause?), work, charities, reading Mr. Unavailable, do the homework or just reading and by all means get real with yourself. Obviously you wouldn’t be on here if you weren’t trying to come to some type of terms about this situation and the support from everyone on here is so nonjudgmental, use it!
Best….Gail
Thank you everyone and you are all so right. LoriG is right, I shouldn’t even be posting if I don’t want to make a change and I do deep down. I’ve made all the excuses I can for this man and it has to stop and Dazed is right, my situation isn’t any different, he isn’t any different. In response to Gaynor – his own job of 20 years is in jeopardy. They have told him they need him to relocate but he will not because of his kids. He had not done a resume in 20 years, who did it? ME..who sends his resume out? ME..who has helped him look for a job in addition to my own job hunt for the last 4 months? ME…I know that I need to end this if for nothing else because he will always put himself and his childrens needs before mine. I understand the kid part but geese! Now he just sent me an email about my Myspace page…he doesn’t even have a myspace page, has never even been on it except to look at mine and admitted that before. I don’t have anything to hide on there but a girlfriend did post some comments about getting myself out of the drama with him. That is what he just threw up in my face, her comments along with a few other things he read in MY PHONE while going through it reading my text. Can you believe this assclown constantly questioning my every text and every ring of my phone and me putting up with it? NOW I want to email him back and tell him a thing or two…how do you maintain those days, when they get nasty and you want to defend yourself and tell them off? UGH!
You just ignore him…
I’ve got too much compassion for my EUM. When he hits on me sexually I can’t say no. We are well on our way to an office affair right now unless I can to stop it. I talk to myself all the time about what an assclown he is, and how he choose not to be with me, but to be with her instead..etc.. but it doesn’t help.
I have an expensive, custom made, chastiy belt. I had it fitted it after he left me the first time.I never used it. I think it is time. The plan is when I next have to go down there for a business meeting, I will lock myself into it in the morning and leave the key at home. The distance is long and the steel lock is tamper proof.
I think I got too much compassion to reject him. I am even having a hard time talking myself into wearing the chasty belt! When I realized I was having a hard time with even the chastity belt decision I knew how bad my problem was. I think it is projection because my ego is so hurt and needs stroking so bad.
I really have no trouble rejecting other guys, expecially other assclowns. There is something about this one..
ivyowl, some women have problems changing their phone numbers.
You have a what belt?? I am not even going there…
I don’t under what you mean by “compassion?’ C’mon, are you saying that your response to his phone calls and advances are compassion, compassion has nothing to do with it. You’re choosing to continue an emotionally abusive relationship!
I was on almost 2 months of absolutely no contact when Mr. Unavailable called me at work and I listened to his miss you, love you blah blah tripe. But no apology for standing me up. I asked why it was so hard for him to admit when he was wrong and he said that I never gave him a chance. I told him that he had almost 3 months to apologise and he said give him a minute. Silence. Then I lost it and slammed down the phone. I can’t remember what I said – I was so angry.
Then I realised that he had “won” again. He got a reaction out of me and seemed really amused at my distress.
If I loved someone and hadn’t heard from them in weeks, I would be concerned and want to talk with them. If my partner was upset, I’d want to find out why and make things right. I would want my partner to be happy. Clearly, Mr. Unavailable doesn’t think that way at all. This 5 minutes of phone contact has set back my healing but not derailed it, as every crappy thing that he does only strenthens my resolve to stay away from him and confirms that he is an assclown who doesn’t have my best interest at heart.
This post about compassion and projection was yet another wake-up call that I should be glad that I ended things with Mr. Unavailable and that I cannot have any contact with him – ever.
Ivyow,
Sorry, I forgot the article was about “compassion,” I returned a few days later to follow the posts.
Are you serious about wearing a chastity belt?
Girl, this is a highly unhealthy relationship you’re placing yourself in. What are you getting from this guy?
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