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There are two big questions hovering in the comments recently that pretty much amount to the same thing:
How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?
How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?
In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?
For a start, you can’t ‘break up’ when there is nothing to break up from. The only person you have to break up with is you and your rather overactive imagination and feelings.
The issue here isn’t really about ‘him’ as he’s not really part of the equation when you’ve created an illusion rather than keeping your feet in the real world – the issue is about you and the fact that you don’t want to let go of your feelings, your obsession, your drama.
There are four key reasons why these situations come about:
You are a queen of projection. You choose men that cater to your own negative self-fulfilling prophecy and are likely to leave you ‘crushing’ on them and then you project the feelings that you think you have on them and assume that because you think you feel a certain way about them, they should feel that way about you too. You want them to notice you, to see you in the way that you see them, and you conduct the great majority of this stuff in your head without communicating it to them and then wonder why they haven’t reciprocated your feelings.
You think that your feelings are big enough for the two of you. You lose all sense of proportion and become so consumed in how you feel that you want him to be swept up in all the love you have to give and that one day he’ll catch up to how you feel and return it. Trust me, they don’t.
You don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’re living in a dream world and afraid of being rejected in the real world. In choosing men who are aloof and unlikely to be interested in you, you get to avoid having to be hurt in a way that you’re trying to avoid. Instead, you build sandcastles in the sky in your head and then feel rejected by your own daydreams because the reality is that you need some sort of inspiration for these illusions and he is not a part of your life. You’re very emotionally unavailable.
You don’t want to let go. As many of us have discovered, even if it’s the most toxic thing to continue feeling as we do or being involved with someone, we continue, not only because it’s a bit like ‘I’ve started so I’ll finish’ but also because even when there is nothing or it’s crap, we don’t want to let go. We don’t want to get real with ourselves in case we find that we have something difficult or painful to look at, we don’t want to admit that we’re often creators of our own pain, and we certainly don’t want to admit that we’re letting go of something that didn’t exist, and if it did, it was for the most part in our heads.
Remember, it’s a bit difficult to make someone accountable for something that is a grand illusion in your head when you could have been making them accountable for real behaviours. Likewise, you can’t wonder why someone isn’t being and feeling what you want them to be when they’re not part of the relationship in your head.
These men end up acting as ‘inspiration’ for our latest round of feelings and it’s like they put some input in at the beginning and then we just take it from there, refusing to acknowledge whether they are even there or not and if they are behaving in line with what’s in our heads and if not, why not.
Quite frankly, any misery you are feeling is for the most part, your own creation because you are not interested in keeping your feet in reality and have been too busy wallowing in your own world. In doing this, you’re not seeing signs that you need to get real, and you’re not hearing signs that you need to get real. In fact, the person may have no clue that you are even interested in them, or if they do, they may have told you that they’re not interested and you switched to unreciprocated feelings mode and hovered there expecting him to see you in the way that you want to be seen and magically catch up with your feelings.
It doesn’t matter what they feel – you’re only interested in the fact that you feel what you feel and you want them to feel that too.
The thing is, from the moment that you recognise that you 1) are not having your feelings reciprocated and/or 2) that you’re not in a relationship with them, major warning signals should be going to your brain that there is something seriously wrong if you are still trying to get them to reciprocate and obsessing about them over an extended period of time.
It’s one thing to have a crush and it’s the other to crush the crap out of yourself in a self-destructive pursuit of pain and then blame it on someone else.
If you have made the choice to continue loving and chasing him with much of it taking place from your head as you wait for crumbs or nothing at all, you’re on a serious avoidance mission because it’s like you want to hide away on these self-created feelings of rejection rather than get out there in the real world and risk yourself in a real relationship.
Whilst I recognise that in some instances, we can be misled by a guy to believe that he feels more than he does, I tend to find that women who are in this situation are invariably in it because they decided that they were crazy about someone and don’t want to let that, and the fantasy go.
You’ve decided that you want him, love him, and to hell with it, you’ll find a way to show him that he should notice and love you too. You’re gonna ride this imaginary donkey of love till it collapses.
We’re back at the juncture again where we think that deciding that we love or feel something about someone creates an automatic IOU.
We’re also back at that juncture where we’re loving without any foundation for loving and then refusing to opt out because we don’t want to let go of the fantasy or the illusion and get real…and deal with our problems.
And trust me, if you’re doing this, you have some big issues to deal with because you’re engaging in incredibly self-destructive behaviour and repeatedly creating a rejection situation for yourself and then wondering why you’re in pain – because you did it, not him!
In all honesty, the only way that these situations end is when YOU end ‘it’. You don’t need to say anything because to be honest, I think some of these men would be a touch confused if you told them that something was over that they didn’t think had started.
Stop calling, stop chasing, stop texting, stop seeing a bread loaf when there is barely a crumb.
Stop waiting, stop hoping, stop projecting, stop the madness.
Stop creating drama and then wondering why you are miserable – as it’s all one sided, you are the master orchestrator of your own soap opera.
Commit to being in the real world. Take things at face value so when he doesn’t call, it’s because he doesn’t want to speak with you, not because he’s waiting for you to make a move. When you don’t hear from him for months, it’s not because you did something wrong that you need to figure out – it’s because you are not in a relationship and whilst you are daydreaming the crap out of your life, he is out there living his.
Yes that’s right living and if you spend your energy wanting men that don’t want you and then obsessing about why they don’t want you, your life will be at one mega grandstill.
If you point blank cannot accept that 1) it’s for the most part in your head, 2) if he doesn’t want you then it’s time to start learning to stop wanting him, 3) you’re creating your own drama and pain, then you must at least accept that you are 100% responsible for where you are now and that you don’t get to let yourself off the hook and blame him.
And then go and talk to someone because spending your life and brain time escaping from the real world whilst hurting yourself and not wanting that to change says that it’s time you spoke to someone and got to the heart of your issues.
But if you are at that point where you want to and can do something about this, don’t try to make things anymore complicated than they are because when you let go of something that doesn’t and didn’t exist, you have that power and are in the driving seat of what happens to you. Don’t make out like he has to do something to end this – you have to do something and cold turkey it out so that you can gain some real perspective and get to the heart of why you are engaging in this self-destructive behaviour so that you don’t go back.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Metsgurl:
good for you! I think the main point about NOT sending the goodbye letter is because when either we or they have decided that its over… we immediately need to focus on moving on. The No Contact rule is there mainly to ensure that we dont “fall back” especially when the break up has just happened. Some (not all of us) tend to still be very emotionally attached and it is still at a very vulnerable stage. I think if we can maintain NO CONTACT and the sooner we let these people go– the sooner we are on the road to getting over them. If some people feel that they can be friends with these EUM’s after or if they feel that they can send this goodbye letter and consider that closure… I would just say to make sure that they mean what they say before doing it and to each his own. I honestly think like you and Gaynor and Kissie and some other people on here that no contact is best……and that if someone cheated on you, treated you wrong or disrespected you… you have to show yourself respect and set those boundries that say (without saying) that you dont need to say goodbye to move on– you can simply just do so without an explanation and or a last word… it is more empowering for us and better for our self esteem (it has nothing to do with them) The last word is shown in your ACTIONS not in what you say. There is another post by NML about “women who talk too much syndrome”. I know by the end of my relationship I had done so much talking and writing that sending a letter or uttering another word would have just been another opportunity for him to roll his eyes and say “here we go again” to me, it just falls on deaf ears. Besides, when you walk out of your house and close the door behind you…. whether you said goodbye or not, a closed door is a closed door……. the action speaks for itself…….I have left the building.
I for one like what you said: “But he sure knows it now and i didnt have to say word”. Actions have more power in this instance because with these types of men— nothing else works!
Karen,
may have looked different but emotionally… the same. This guy also didn’t seem very interested in my REAL life, he was completely focused on how attractive I was and what he would do with me and for me. Dude, how about a date, a cup of coffee and conversation? Let’s start there… ask me a question and stop yapping about how wonderful you are and how wondeful you are for me. So it was very empowering for me to really see the red flags and acknolwedge it for what it really is…not a good fit. I think trusting our gut in these situations is key, b/c on some level we know, but we choose to ignore the warning signs. It feels good to stop, think, listen to my soul and then make a move. Often times when we put aside the blind hope, fear and illusion we realize that we really don’t want these men, we really don’t even like them. So keep up the good work Karen, and everyone here who’s working so hard to find and maintain healthy relationships.
It’s possible it was the same man
Karen and Kissie, after reading your dating experiences I am actually getting more positive to the whole idea of dating again. I have shut myself down after being through turmoil with the EUM and have now a very negative attitude towards men. I know its based on fear, fear of being lured in an undermining relationship (of some kind..) again. But with everything i have learned and the toolkit provided here maybe I can deal with it. Just like you guys did. Maybe there is hope for us yet!
To truthhurts:
There is always hope. I know it’s hard. These are patterns of behavior we have engaged in for all our lives so to change now takes alot and it’s very scary. Keep reading the wonderfully informative posts by NML, keep NC if you’ve been doing this, create a dating deal breaker list (I did and this was enormoulsy helpful!!), do things you enjoy, get some really good girlfriends who’ll keep you grounded, say positive affirmations everyday in the mirror. I know why you are dating and be clear as to why. Good luck, be well and most importantly be strong.
sorry that should read know why you are dating the “I” is a typo sorry.
Look to Joni Mitchell for the right answer here.
“Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
the dizzy dancing way you feel
as ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way.
But now it’s just another show.
You leave ‘em laughing when you go.
And if you care, don’t let them know.
Don’t give yourself away.”
Of course, this is the middle of “Both Sides Now.”
ANY man (EUM or not) who disrespects you to the point where ANY woman with common sense and good self esteem would have to put an end to things, to move on with her lilfe, KNOWS that his actions could very well lead to you moving on!
Why leave a note/letter/planned-goodbye-appointment for him?
So that he will have further proof of why he SHOULD “laugh when you go”?
When the jerk (man or woman, EUM or not) was incontrol of the relationship, and you know you have to leave it, and you take the necessary action to leave it, you sort of mock yourself by trying to assert power or control by giving the jerk the final goodbye.
(…Especially when the “relationship” may not even have been real!)
Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who have written on this blog! You don’t know how therapeutic it has been for me to read everyone’s posts. I had been going through a situation for 1 1/2 years and about three weeks ago, I finally had to put my foot down and end things. The worst part is that not only do we work for the same company, but we work in the same department. This guy has tried a few times to talk to me since the incident and I’ve either been short with him or ignored him. It’s been tough because I still care about him (we started out as good friends and were also extremely attracted to each other) and want to know what is going on in his life (he’s got a lot of baggage, hence his reason for not being ready for a serious relationship), but I have had to force myself to cut off any contact with him. I just wish that my broken heart would heal soon.
Wow I was in tears when I read this,I recognise myself in all this,I have never read an article that has spoken to ME so clearly about my love LIFE, it is very confronting and I hear everything in this article but I just dont know where to go from here, how to stop all my self destructive behaviour with these “men” in my life.I want help, need help because I dont want to do this anymore.
Lovesick,
There is a link on this web-sites home page for the book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” which is an in depth book helping us understand ourselves and these issues we have with men. When I “stumbled” upon this web-site, I was like you…. FINALLY A PLACE WHERE I CAN GET SOME HELP. So, I bought and downloaded the book, gobbled it up and started putting into practice some of the exercises. It really helped me step back and take a healthy look at the bad relationship I was in, and now I’m just continueing to work on myself. I highly recommend it as would a lot of women who post here.
Good luck. Keep reading all the articles. They’ll help you on your journey to get strong in yourself and with the kind of relationships you participate in.
I’d like to add that even if your man is making promises, talking about marriage, kids, times you will spend in the future together and inviting you to major holidays–it does not mean you are in an official relationship. I had to learn this the hard way–got strung along by a very seductive commitmentphobe who was infatuated with me. I was so sure we were headed toward a bright future together that I waited too long to ask for a commitment–and that’s when he told me he wasn’t ready. Even after I broke it off with him, he chased me, obsessed over me and tried to get me to do things “his way”. So everyone, beware of this guy…he is out there and ready to play into all your fantasies of ideal love–and then leave you devastated and confused. It has taken me months to get some sanity back in my life and understand what happened, to learn which mistakes I am accountable for so I don’t repeat them, and I feel like I am only getting started. WATCH THE RED FLAGS AND DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING–even if your fantasies tell you otherwise.
Babs, I feel your pain, been there done that so props to you for recognizing the entire picture and moving forward. I appreciate your comment…G
I found this site several weeks ago. I was dating someone since November who had become emotionally unavailable due to residual issues with his X, his children living out of state, the foreclosure of his home, and job concerns. On the last night I saw him, he told me, “I want to see you more” and then proceeded to withdraw from me once again. Three weeks later, I sent him an e-mail detailing the deterioration of our relationship, and telling him that if he wanted a relationship, he would have to see me more regularly. I have not heard from him since, so his silence has spoken volumes. Anyway, I feel like I am getting better day by day, although it is still rough going. Sometimes, I think I imagined the good times we shared…
Res Judicata’s last blog post..He broke up with me – Is he an assclown?
Re-reading this page after I slipped and asked to be his Facebook friend again. Does anyone else out there find Facebook to make this “non-existent relationship perpetuation” worse? The ease that you can check out their pictures, keep up on their life, which you actually have no part of, but it’s almost like your brain is tricked. Back when people just had one home phone number and there was not easy texting, and all the online stuff, it seems it would be easier to just let go… I know I’m being pathetic and stupid when i check his profile… it’s just too easy to do. ugh. My brain gets stuck in a cycle of imaginary hope – I talk myself out of it, remind myself there’s nothing, but that pesky unfounded hope pops up again and again. arggh.
Dancefire, I too find it a lot more difficult to get over my EUM now that you can basically keep track on someones life via the internet. But I notice it wears down. I feel less and less need to check as time goes by. But sometimes I still have nights that I do a whole round of sites (including the dating site he is on). It´s a bit pathetic, I know.
But it will become better. If we just move on with our lives, see friends and minimize the nights alone on the couch with acces to a computer.
NML wrote
… when you let go of something that doesn’t and didn’t exist, you have that power and are in the driving seat of what happens to you.
While there are many great posts on this site I think this is one of the most helpful. I started reading this site in late December and found almost all the thoughts that had been in my head for years written here in one way or another.
A month later I began to face the fact I was in an unhealthy relationship, that was not the kind I wanted, and I began to confront it within myself. Within the next few wekks the EUM flaked big time, leading me to begin NC three weeks ago. In my case I had to send a clear letter, he was able to intrude upon me at work, and I had to tell him he was not welcome at my workplace anymore.
Yes NC is hard as hell but deep down you will know if it is right, you need to remember what you want in a friend or a partner, and you need to remember that this person was the antithesis of what you wanted.
No contact gives you ability to cut the cord that ties you to illogical things like fantasy projections, seeing though rose colored glasses, magical thinking, all those things that NML wisely points out in the above post, helps you create your own misery.
All I will say is the sooner you end a one sided relationship that feels abusive, the sooner you will be on the road to recovering all that is good inside of you. Might be a long road, might not. There will probably be a few rough spots in the road. But, once walking on that road for awhile, I bet it will feel like the right path to most of you here.
I keep coming back to this site for energy to keep on. NML’s posts are relevant and the thoughts and stories shared help me walk my line. I am grateful to all of you.
Hello,
I cheated on my boyfriend with a long time crush and he cheated on his girlfriend with me (his was a long distance relationship) We always went to his place seeing as it was empty. He told me from the start he didnt want anything serious and fair enough we both were taken. I however had very very strong feelings for him and the more we slept together the more I started to fall for him. My feelings were always out in the open so it wasnt a surprise that i really liked him and might actually leave my bf if the feelings were mutual. So anyways out of know where 4 months of messing around he says its getting to serious we need to stop doing the deed and just be friends. For about a month and a half we have gone back and forth with no contact and me sending texts asking to continue (almost begging) he was always answering me saying he really wanted to but it was a bad idea. Recently he asked me to stop sending him those awkward texts and obviously that really hurt knowing i cheated on my bf with someone who didnt give a crap.
How can i make myself stop texting him it seems evertime i have an urge i just do it and then regret it after?!?!
Help me get over this a$$
AWESOME POST!!! Breaking it down that way makes it so clear. The hard part is accepting it and letting it sink in. Thank you.
I’ve been searching for answers and I found your blog. Thank you. Soon after my divorce a few years ago I started dating a man who claimed he wanted to be married and build a relationship but as time went on I could see he didn’t know how to hold an intimate relationship…he was really married to his mother. It crashed and burned when he cheated on me and told me the reason was was because I didn’t make enough money! Sick puppy. But it took me over a year to get over him. Now I’m at the end of another UM, thank God it’s only since early April, where he was in hot pursuit of me even telling me it was love at first sight for him and within two weeks he’s proposing and he loves me and sure, sure, sure. At that point red flags are flying and I’m waiting to see the agenda. He was looking for an apartment and wanted to move in with me. He has nothing to offer me and creates all kinds of drama then tells me I’m the one who creates drama. It makes me crazy. The good news is that I saw it sooner and I have cut off all contact with the first one and it absolutely freakin’ kills him. Almost three years later he’s still trying to get my attention via email and phone, but I’m sad to say it was only since last Oct that I stopped on my end. But I’m realizing now that I must be just as emotionally unavailable as they are. Like attracts like. How did I get this way? That’s what’s killing me. My first boyfriend was great…7 years and when he asks me to marry him I couldn’t. Then I started with a narcissist who was EU and I fell into his web for years building something in my head that wasn’t anything. And the pattern started then at age 21. This new one has broken it down to booty call and texts only when he wants and he blames me for not allowing him to have this ‘relationship’ he wanted with me. But within a week of meeting him, I could see right away (better than in the past, I must give myself credit for something), that his true colours came out. Inside of blowing him off right there an then I took it as a game. Who can outlast the other. It’s stupid and has made me angry with myself that I’m wasting so much emotional energy with this idiot who can provide me nothing, is really a mean person, blows hot and cold, and incapable of emotional intimacy. And to make it all pathetic, he can’t/won’t even please me in bed. Wait till you hear this excuse: “You’re just so hot and I want you so badly, I just can’t wait on you.” Even though I’m laughing, it’s really pathetic. This has got to stop. I’m questioning if I can ever turn the tide and be healthy myself.
never make someone your priority, when your only an option to them……
Hi, My name is Cheryl and I’m an EUF :-/
Still in contact with the EUM-we established a working relationship which has been very successful, but I think I am just basking in the legitimacy of being able to communicate with him regularly without coming across as a stalker. He has been very needy, but what it boils down to is that he is still using me and I am still allowing it.
Having said that, Ithe more time I spend with him, the better I realise how fucked up he is and whatever happens, he will not choose me and it wouldn’t work anyway.
Still confused tho, Everything Natalie says is so true and I must remind myself of all the key ideas in her writings. I’m the fricking POSTER CHILD for the Fallback Girl.
I am English and live in the USA but am currently on vacation for a month in Australia with my best friend, who lives here. I have texted and Skyped and emailed this man, even tho this was supposed to be a complete mental break for me. I even made the tragic error today of looking at his Facebook and there are lots of pictures of women, some with quite intimate photos-nothing incriminating, but settings that suggest intimacy of an emotional kind.
Most of the photos of HIM however (ie not submitted by his harem)
are from about 20 years ago, where he looks much better than he does now…how telling-that vanity is in full force! He wouldn’t want people to see him as he looks now…one picture submitted by a woman was of him in college and the caption says “Name (him) was bringing sexy back long before Justin Timberlake!” and HE posted this on his Facebook! Ugh.
I want to cry, and have a knot of jealousy that is almost closing my thorat up…but it’s also helping me to see how he sees himself, how he wants to be seen, how vain he is, how he sucks dogs balls and how I need to let the fuck go. Of this relationship that doesn’t exist.
Can somebody HELP ME????
Hi blackgnat,
God forbid I should set myself up as any kind of “expert” giving out advice on relationships when I’ve spent the bulk of my life with jerks or alone to avoid jerks…
….but, I really do believe that in your case hunting out info from him and keeping in touch with this man out of work or about things other than work matters is a HUGE MISTAKE.
Read up about the No Contact Rule, and then start following it. The less you know about him and his games and tricks, the less they’ll be able to affect you.
The less he knows about you and your life, the less he’ll be able to comment with any accuracy.
You have a working relationship – okay, keep it like that: TOTALLY BUSINESS, NO OTHER COMMENTS OR INFO. Don’t tell him about your holiday/weekend/friendships/new romance/what you had for dinner.
Discuss the matter in hand briefly and professionally, then off: better and other things to do now.
Meanwhile, the more you keep contact with this man in your private life… well, the longer you’re keeping it alive and being suckered into the pretence of his marvellous, fantastic, sexy, full world. (Not!).
Best Regards, Leonine.
This is by far one of the best posts you have EVER EVER written!
I often talk about women doing too much delusional fantasizing and you def hit the nail on the head.
I think that us women do this because of the two core reasons that you mention here.
1) We are emotionally unavlaiable
2) We love drama
Hello? who needs the BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL when your own soap opera is so much more interesting and you even get to play a part!
Why would you give that up?
Well you would only give that up .. if you realised that you have the ability to create an amazing relaitonship, with an available guy … if only you stopped smelling the fake made up roses and started living your life, totally and completely!
Hot Alpha Female
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I can’t believe I’m here again… I embarked on the “no contact rule” a month ago and I was doing alright with the exception of my mind drifting to the memory of him and desparate my pursuit of his affectiones because I should have been wiser with a man that is attached and half way across the world from me. I keep goimng back to the day we met abd how I shld have declined the offer to spend the night with him because I have been royally F%$#^7 since then, thanks to myself. I am tired of waiting… hoping… yet my head win’t let me give up becauseI I think I deserve more than being flavour of the moment but my actions and choice of man say that maybe I don’t really know my worth since it took very little for me to go on this wild goose chase… I’m sick and tired of myself and these stupid thoughts, just want to be happy with ne again, no guys just me but I need to get past this illusion I conjured up and I am sick, of it, sick of myself. vent over.
Astelle and Gaynor,
There is a time to tell someone to take a hike and a time when it is WAY too late to do so. Unfortunately, if you have not recognized what you are dealing with soon enough, then yes, the best way to go is NC. I have had these types of “relationships” before, and it is freeing to be able to see these for what they are and have your say. You see, when you pick the right time to say “See ya’”, it helps you to put the period at the end of the sentence. You are not asking “What is he thinking, Why isn’t he contacting me, Did he really mean to be mean to me” etc. It’s called closure.
What if a guy does initiate contact but plays it hard to get and tries to constantly put you down and make you run away? I’m very confused I don’t know what to do with him, I stay away but he comes to me, I have no idea where we are goind. I told him I care for him and he disappeared for a few days but then he came back again… We had no physical contact yet so I know he doesn’t come back for the sex…
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately this is very true.,…..and whas worse is to get a polite person….They will deal with you and that crumb becomes your feast. Let a lone someone who cares for you. Anyway….cold turkey is cool….but i almost want to let him know that i know whats up…….and apologize. But maybe it wont be necessary.
I am delighted to have found this site having googled “psychology of obsessing about your ex’s new girlfriend”! I met my favourite EUM again last weekend. We had gone out with each other for two years, that ended over two years ago. We had sex maybe 5-10 times in the second year (and about 5 of those times was over one weekend, when he came back from holidays). He, that whole year, withdrew from me in every way possible. Infact he withdrew from life in general.
All fairytales are lengthy & i find myself wanting to ‘explain’ (i.e excuse his behaviour & believe he did love me, so could still!). But one bit is different, he is and has been a friend of my sisters since they were teenagers. So I have a direct information source & I enquire. I know he has been dating a girl twenty years his junior for 1 & 1/2 years (he’s 39), I know his life hasn’t changed much & all the things I hated are still in place. I know he broke me, I know the boyfriend before him did too, he was abusive in many ways. I know I put myself there and kept myself there both times. I wonder was my head-fuck from the first one a cause on the next. All the usual stuff I suppose, looking for excuses/reasons.
I didn’t see or contact EUM for a year after we broke up, he would send me texts “I am a fool, I couldn’t see the woods for the trees” that he “may have lost the best thing that ever happened to him” and I resisted all of these. And I have even used THAT as an excuse, had I replied would things have been different?! Then a year later I bumped into him & drunkenly gave him shit – I was looking for an apology, I told him he owed me one, but he refused. Again I didn’t see him for a long time, but I could hear about him and his lovely girlfriend who he was getting on really well with anytime I felt like it. Then since May I have seen him four times. All times unplanned, twice I knew it was possible & I loved the idea. Last weekend, we crashed out together in my house. We talked alot, He took blame! He was sorry! His girlfriend is away for the summer as students are wont to do, I could see the light in his eyes when he spoke of her. She has two more years of college, he said “so i have her for another two years”. But I know from my sister that he sees it going nowhere, too much of an age gap, she will go and live her life eventually. His parents don’t know, her parents don’t know. But he is holding on as long as he is allowed. I have a want for this to be karma, that he is much more in love with her so is now in my position. But if karma is massaging the situation that too grates because that means he really, really loves her & didn’t me.
You can tell, I’m not over this one! But this site I suspect will help. Focusing on myself is about the hardest thing ever I could be asked. I might fail! But my mood is good, I got an injection, I have been doing more for myself since he slept beside me & I could smell him than I have in months. I wonder if a fix every now and then may not be beneficial! Not in the long run, I know this, but but but
I recently had to let go of a very twisted involvement. It’s been a little over 3 months since I sent this fool an email telling him that because he chose to do what he did not just to myself but more importantly to my son that it was a complete deal breaker and that i no longer wanted to either see or hear from him again.
Has it been easy for me? Honestly it hasn’t but i do know in the long run I made the right decision to let this idiot go and destroy somone else’s life with his madness.
It gets better everyday that i don’t hear from and have deleted all forms of contact about him. The sick part about all of this is that even though I said I never want to hear from him again and fruly in my heart mean it this time that there will come a day where he will go against what I told him and rear his ugly head once again.
These men are very sick. I am so glad I finally made the final decision to get out once and for all.
Hi, I just wanted to say that I stumbled upon this site by accident and started reading it and am I ever glad I did! You see, I had went on a free singles dating website last year and started seeing a guy who stated he was seeking a LTR as was I. He is a very prominent and upstanding business man. He called me at least 3-5 times each week and asked me over to his place that often as well. The first time I met him I loved everything about him. Well, its been a little over a year now and he has never asked me out on a “date” since each time he asked me over, it was to his place and always for sex. I have recently started coming to the realization that it was me and only me who fell hard for him and he doesn’t feel the same way about me, boy do I feel stupid! It has been 7 days since I have called him and he certainly hasn’t called me, he has only emailed me. I have wasted over a year of my life on him hoping he would come around to feel for me as I did him, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE ARTICLES I READ BECAUSE I NOW KNOW I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE AND GET MY SELF ESTEEM AND DIGNITY BACK! Thank you thank you thank you…
Wow i so needed to read this article its exactly what im going through right now…letting go is hard to do but so worth it in the end!!
Hi, thank you for this info. I’m in frantic search for answers. Please bear with my story: I was in a relationship for about 2 years with the love of my life. I’m 33 and she’s 25. Our annivesary will be next week. Beginnin life was for a lack of a better word “perfect” in my sense. Really healthy relationship, although she did just get out of another relationship. She told me that she felt she was was going nowhere with him. So, we got together before she even broke off the last relationship. At that moment I was so in bliss that I haven’t even really thought bout it until now. I came from a very dysfunctional family. I never met my parents until I was 5. I can count the times my Mom and I spoke at endearing level which is less than 5 times. After my birth, the 2nd day I was sent a to “Nanny’ because my mother couldn’t care for another child. She came from a wealthy family in which they saw me as another “shotgun” mistake my moom made. So I never really knew what loving emotions were. I have an idea of it by books, tv, etc. So many years went on and with very destructive dating behaviors. My relationships never lasted for more than 3 months. Being a nightclub DJ didn’t help it either. I pretty much gave up on that fact that I was ever going to find the right girl. Until one day she came into my life when I wasn’t looking. Don’t get me wrong, it was like any relationships,we had our ups and downs but always managed to pull through. I felt lucky to have a g/f in which she never saw my professional life as a DJ. I took it as a blessing and basically “threw in all my eggs” in the basket with her. She knew that. I tell her all the time. It took just 1 month for her to move in with me. I was so happy and I never felt better. After a year, things were rough for her. She didn’t talk to old friends because of her bad break prior. She got laid off from work. She felt she gained weight but I didn’t see it as a bad thing. Being in a relationship meant compromises, committements, and sacrifices right? She tried looking for a job in this bad economy to no luck. So I suggested her to go back to college to get that degree which needed 3 more classes. I paid for her schooling which I felt it was proper for a loving b/f to do. Well, here’s where things went crazy. I noticed she was more needy. She was home alot more. I’ve realized at that time I couldn’t give the extra attention she needed. I was stressed on my business, supporting both of us and trying to maintain a healthy relationship. I knew that things need to change or else we’d be in a bad downward spiral. This is the rough part in a relationship in which I think true couples ride out together, I accepted the fact that it wasn’t always fun times. I never even thought about breaking up with her. Until one day she got a job offer overseas (from what she told me) We’ve talked about it and I realized that I can’t be selfish and need her to go for that job. We both agreed upon her going back first for 6 months while I tie up loose ends and make sure my business here will stay afloat. I was committed to fly back and forth because I loved her. I was sad but I needed to let her go blossom back again. Things were so busy with the move, her saying goodbye to friends, dinner parties that I never really had a final moment with her. But i felt that she needed to see her friends and say goodbye and all that stuff. We moved all her things back to her mom’s house and I saw her get on a plane. I can still remember that last kiss, It haunts my so much in a good way. She left and I’m here with our baby dog and it was time to get our plans in effect. I had appointments lined up which I hinted but never really told her. She always complained that I got her hopes up so I didn’t until I got the job. Well, I did get that position overseas and I was just about to tell her and then BAM! The wicked email break up was her move. She wanted this relatinship to end “amicably”. I’m thnking to myself , is that possible in an email? I’m reading this Baggage Claim article online and it sounds like her but I don’t want to believe it.
Something happened to her in that plane ride. She got so bitter towards me. She uses words like “disheartened” and how I got her hopes up. She said she grew up and realized. I don’t know what still she realized. Of course I didn’t back off without a fight. tried calling her, she avoids the talk. She said she doesn’t want a relationship and just want to have fun. No committments. She wanted me to do things for myself but I still want to beleive that a person can do it for anyone he or she choses for. I felt the strength from her that I’m able to do anything. She was my inspiration.
It’s been a month of constant fighting. I try asking what’s wrong. She doesn’t give me straight answers. THe last time we spoke she told me that she’s moved on and going to see other people. My business was not good but it’s getting alot better. In fact, I can say alot better.
I tried even sending flowers and apologizing. All failures, I’m beginning to think that I’m not the problem and she is hurting me so bad and trying to push me away.
I just don’t get it, or maybe I don’t want to believe it. I’m able to forgive her right now. I do want her to gain her strentgth back over there. That was our original plan, I asked for a a second chance on us. I admit that I’m emotoinal right now about this. I need her to know that I was for real in this relationship. I just can’t believe how she just changed overnight. I understand a 25yr old girl needs space but for her to execute it like this? Breaks my heart, distraught…. but I still find it in my heart to forgive her as long as WE communicate better. I don’t know what i should do now. Its hard to think that my last 2 years was purely a joke? I never cheated, abused, or lied to her. She thinks I’m emotionally closed off but I’m trying to be realistic. It all came as a surprise to me. I know she sees me as a good boyfriend. But how can anyone deserve this? The worse was the email break up. That is soooooo not cool. I’ve racked my head for weeks shredding myself apart to figure what went wrong.
DId I spoil her too much? Is this her way to see if this is real? DId I get played like a chump for 2 years? Did she think I was going to break up w/her first? Does she need space? Or I’m just an old rag left to hang?
Please, someone, tell me what to do. I can’t think anymore.
thank you all …
I will update you all… It’s hard to let it go when we didn’t even try……sad
I have just received a voicemail message on my mobile from my long standing assclown. I have been seeing him for 22 months [since November 2007] and he always told me he never wanted a relationship. On top of that he hardly ever took me anywhere, and whenever we did go anywhere it was always me who instigated it [and paid]. Basically, i let this poor excuse of a man use me for all that time and i got miniscule crumbs in return. And very poor treatment at times.
Then in June this year, he randomly announced that he had a girlfriend!!!!!!!! [remember, he told he he was not looking for a relationship with anyone] And get this! He explained to me that he had always faniced a particular girl since the age of 21 [he is now 33] but nothing happened between them back then. But in May this year, he randomly bumped into her on the street and he asked her to be his girlfriend on the spot. They did not even court and they had not seen each other in 12 years!!! And she accepted his girlfriend invitation.
Well, this man has continued to sleep with me since the arrival of his new girlfriend. I hated myself for doing this but i just couldn’t stop it. It was like i was addicted to him, the sex and the physical attraction. But the more i continued to see him, the more i became disgruntled at having to be his SIDE SHAG whilst some other girl [who, unlike myself, has invested zero time in him] takes the glory of being his official girlfriend who gets to be paraded in front of his friends and family.
So when he called me last week for a booty call, I TURNED HIM DOWN. Because i rejected him [i rarely do] he told me not contact him again. But i did. In fact, i was so angry and hurt by the disrespectful way i’ve been treated for 22 months, i started to text him everyday since our phone-call, sending at least 3 a day! I know girls! I turned *psycho* on his ass, telling him how hurt i am about him taking up with the new girl, and it felt like a dagger to my heart. I also accused him of being cold and selfish and having no consideration for me and my feelings. I also told him that him and the girl will not last and that he is going to miss me and want me back in his life. I couldn’t help myself. I knew sending him all these texts was the wrong thing to do but i felt compelled.
I received NO reply whatsoever to my texts….. until today! after i sent him yet another 2 texts. The last time we were together [around 2 weeks ago] he was telling me that he would like to be having sex with me long into the distant future [even around 10 or 20 years from now]. I did not say anything at the time, but today his words crossed my mind and i became angry. Since he has made it clear in no uncertain terms that we will never be a proper couple, I felt that he was assuming i was going to be dumb enough to continue being his secret side-shag for the next 20 years of my life.
So my 2 texts this morning addressed this issue and i told him that he was absolutely crazy and he would never get me to waste my life, fulfilling his pathetic pipe dream as his bit on the side [whilst he gets on with is life, building a proper life with another woman], and if he was going to be sleeping with me 10 or 20 years from now, it would be because we were HUSBAND AND WIFE, not as a side shag!
As soon as the texts were delivered, he immediately called me, but i did not answer. He then left a voicemail message on my mobile telling me that my all texts are now pissing him off and we need to go our separate ways. I replied, cursing and swearing at him, telling him i’m glad i finally pushed him over the edge. I also told him to leave me the f**k alone now from now on.
Needless to say, he never replied to that one!
I have his girlfriends phone number and for a hot second i felt like calling her an telling her all about me and him. I even dialled her number but there was no reply. Now, i have thought against contacting her as i know it’s not going to bring me any satisfaction.
I hate myself right now, for being such an idiot to let a man treat me so badly for the last 22 months. This is not my pattern at all!! I still don’t understand how this man got to get away with murder. I am usually a woman of high self esteem, high expectations and firm boundaries. I know it sounds hard to believe but i am actually used to good treatment from guys!
HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME????????????
When i used to tell my friends about me and him, they’d look at me like i am MAD to stay with him. I started to feel judged so i stopped talking to them about us.
I really do hope i will be able to forgive myself, as i feel so ashamed to have allowed such blatant liberties to take place.
But now that I FINALLY got a reaction from him after all those texts, i feel like i can start to heal and move on now. [yes i know that sounds pathetic as i should not have to wait for him to tell me to leave him alone before i decide it's over].
Day 1 of “No Contact†starts tomorrow.
Wish me luck girls! I am about to go cold turkey. I feel it’ll be successful though because i have now angered him so i dont think he’ll be contacting me now anyway. And i am now too embarrassed to dare contact him again.
On the other hand, we have gone through worse incidents in the past and we still got back together so i really don’t know for sure whether or not he’ll try contacting me again in future.
If that time does roll around, i really do hope i will have the strength to tell him to go to hell,
Ok I know this is a site for women but I had to post this anyway.
Alright so I was seeing this girl for the last 5 months who lost her husband 2 years ago in a fishing accident. From day 1 she was completely upfront and told me she wasn’t ready for anything serious because she wasn’t over her husband. I was fine with that but after our first date I totally fell for this girl and was on my way to this heart break that’s happening now. We started slowly then grew into something more. I met her 2 little boys, was staying over 4 nights a week some weeks, we even took the boys on a trip this summer. The whole 5 months pretty much went like this, when we were together we acted and were a couple, when we were apart it’s like we weren’t anything and I’m not sure if she was dating other guys but knew she was on some dating websites.
We both agreed to end it on Monday because I felt too much for her I couldn’t be casual and she said she just couldn’t commit to me even though she wanted to.
So it’s day 5 of no contact and it’s like I feel worse everyday. I miss her and her kids so much it hurts. I go from missing her, to wondering what she’s doing, if she met some one else already, she’s occupying my thoughts almost all the time.
Everyone keeps telling me this is the best thing to do but it feels so wrong. I was with her on the 2 year anniversary of her husbands death and it was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I liked that I was able to be there for her on the tough days, which there was a lot, now I feel like I’m letting her down.
I know there was no relationship like the one I created in my head but it kept growing and we kept getting more close during the 5 months. I’ve never been this heart broken before, even when I broke up with my fiancee a few years ago. That was hard but this seems harder and feels so wrong.
Just wanted to post on here to let it out because I’m feeling so bad. This is a great site and glad I found it
Sorry for being a guy.
Brian–don’t apologize for being a man! I can empathize with you. I too was warned, yet I thought he would eventually come around. How could he not? I treated him like a king.
I’m glad I found this article. I am done begging for crumbs. I’m going to end the illusion that is not a relationship. This article described my situation so well that I can’t help but end it. My only question, do I call him and tell him I’m done begging for crumbs or wait until the next time he decides to call me. I’ve cried so many tears and written so many journal pages about this man but still I want to be with him. I’m so frustrated with myself.
HEATHER – I ended my virtual relationship with an email. I needed the formal closure. It was worth it to me. I had already put myself out there emotionally, so it wasn’t like I had anything more to lose. I’m not ashamed of my feelings, especially because I know he liked me at one point and got me in the “zone” so to speak. I would rather be able to hold my head up high and let them know that I’ve got the situation figured out and will be fine than give him the satisfaction of getting away with avoiding the issue. I would just call him if I were you. Why wait? If you’re really done, then be done. Respect yourself sooner rather than later. You’ve probably given a lot to this guy. Now it’s time for you and, once you heal, somebody worth your time.
BRIAN – I am really sorry to hear your story. I can only imagine how hard that has been for you. One of the first things we must look for in new people is whether they are emotionally available (after we make sure that we ourselves are, of course). Most of us have made the mistake of falling for someone who is emotionally unavailable. We just need to be more protective of our hearts so that they can be whole when the right person does come along. I noticed that you posted a month ago. I hope that you’ve been healing during this time.
I guess I committed the cardinal sin, I fell in love with my female flatmate.( I’m a guy)
I have been living with her for just over a year and at first it was all fine, I had strong personal boundaries. I found her attractive but she was my flatmate so I knew it could get difficult if I allowed myself to get silly!
After about 6 months my other male flatmate moved out to live with his girlfriend and things changed.
We all went out for a goodbye drink to wish my male flatmate well and it seemed to me that I was suddenly getting signals from this woman. It really took me by surprise to say the least. I kinda backed off from her a little bit as I was acutely aware of our domestic arrangement.
As time went by and another guy moved in I could see my feelings change in front of my eyes. We had some really intense chats, talking about the deep stuff, what drives us, what makes us scared etc. She said to me that she was frightened of the guys she found attractive that often she found it really difficult to touch them for fear of rejection. She said “I don’t want my heart broken again”.
Like a doofus i thought she was trying to tell me something.
Well it went on from there and I thought we were moving closer and closer, I was preparing myself for a relationship or so I thought.
(Just over a year ago I came out of a 7 year relationship, so for me this felt like a big positive step to take!)
Then just last week she told me she was moving out, this floored me…now 6 days later her stuff is all gone and I’m left reeling.
Her moving out prompted me to send her an email…I told her how I felt in a very adult and non-confrontational way.
She told me that she didn’t feel the same for me, and that at times she got the impression that I liked her but she didn’t know what to do about it.
We can never know what another person is feeling, it maybe that she did indeed like me but just could not bring herself to do anything about it for a variety of reasons. It could also be the case that she was totally honest with me, that I completely mis-read the situation.
She has gone now I guess, but this article really resonated with me, I think I rode that donkey, I got so carried away with all my hope and expectation that I just couldn’t see the truth.
This week has seemed like a roller-coaster, she moved out, I told her how I felt about her, she stated her position and we went back to being friends again.
I don’t know if she will stay in contact…I would like to, maybe that’s the part of me that still thinks I was right that she really does like me ( there’s that damn donkey again!) and wont admit it.
On the other hand we get on really well, she makes me laugh and I value her friendship, so it would be a shame to lose that.
Its time to look after myself…real or not I have put myself through the ringer in the last 6 months. Hoping she would call or text me wishing for something more.
If anything “Take things at face value so when she doesn’t call, it’s because she doesn’t want to speak with you, not because she’s waiting for you to make a move” is the best thing I have read in a long time.
That is great advice, its time to heal…
Hi. I am really glad I’ve found this website as it has confirmed so much for me. I Am currently in a relationship that only exists in my head, however, I wanted advice bc upon reading a lot of the other comments, my situation seems a little different… (aka “not as bad”) I think.Â
I have been with my EUM for 19 months now. In the beginning, he actually didn’t pursue me, but was very distant (I just labeled this as cautious and saw it as a challenge). He told me upfront “I am not seeking a relationship right now”. He’d said that he was so hurt in the past that he doesn’t feel capable of love and vulnerability until he is absolutely sure the person is “right” for him. He’d also been laid off and was having trouble finding work (as am I) and still lives at home with his mother. He expressed that as a Man, he can’t enter into a serious relationship and give it the focus and attention it deserves, when he is still struggling to get his present situation and life together. We’d argue over this bc I was in love and I felt slighted in the “relationship”. I was giving 100% out the gate, and not getting it in return. However, once I stopped pressuring him for a committment, things became so beautiful between us. I’ve met most of his family, (his mom loves me-she told me lol), all of his closest friends, we spend mostly all of our time together, ppl remark what a beautiful couple we are, there is no more distance or disappearing acts, he is so affectionate (publicly, not just privately as before), just EVERYTHING changed.Â
Naturally, because his “actions” changed, I saw him as MY BOYFRIEND, and I thought he did too! Then the unthinkable happened. I received several very detailed messages from a woman recounting every detail of their “relationship” for the exact sane time frame I’ve known him. I was devastated. Long story short, I forgave him, but I cannot forget it. We fight about it every week (this happened about 3 weeks ago). He told me he never took her out not once and that although they saw each other somewhat consistently, it was more of a friends with benefits thing for him. This woman told me that she was in love with him, would cook for him, spend money on him, provide him a place to stay, etc. In my mind, I’m thinking he was just enjoying all of the benefits she was dishing out so eventually I was at ease ESP after learning they’ve been over for weeks and she wrote me out of spite and jealousy bc he’d always talk about me with her (she knew so many details about me & I’d never heard of her in my life). Â
OK so anyway, the trust is now GONE, and I hate to say, but I do sneak through his phone. I’ve seen texts from females, but they are honestly pretty innocent stuff from girls like “hey, it was nice talking to you, I wish I could finally see you in person”, etc. 2 days ago, we got into a blow up over the fact that he’s seeing other people. He said they are his friends, he hangs out with them, but that’s it and he’s not going to cut them off bc they’re his friends and they did nothing wrong. He said he doesn’t go on dates with them or do anything physical with them bc it’s not like that. He said that I am his “preference”, his “Main”, I am the one he thinks about and cares deeply for, but when I’m not available and he doesn’t wanna talk to or hang out with his guy friends, he calls his female friends simply as a past time.Â
Last night, I told him we should consider a break from each other bc we’re not healthy for each other right now and the other women thing I cannot accept. He told me that is not what he desires, he said he can’t be in a relationship with anyone right now bc he doesn’t feel he has much to offer. He said sometimes he is so depressed about his current life (jobless, living home wit his mom,etc) that sometimes he doesn’t even want to wake up some days. He said I don’t even realize that I am his source of happiness & I give him reason to get out of his bouts of depression. He said he just really wants my companionship and patience with him although he cannot promise that the future will bring about a committed relationship. He says in the year and half we’ve been together his feelings just have not grown to “love” and being as strong as mine, but it doesn’t mean that it won’t.Â
I guess my point is: on the surface we actually have a pretty good “relationship” and I do know he cares for me. He doesn’t use me for sex, he doesn’t disappear, I hear from him everyday, I get messages about how he’s thinking of me everyday, he takes me out on actual dates on a weekly basis and I never pay, I hang out with his close loved ones like they are my in-laws (and he pressures me to meet his loved ones, not the other way around, just FYI), he has met my family and hung out and enjoys my closest friends as well, the list goes on and on and on…. YET, he still keeps maintaining he’s Not ready for a relationship. Â WHY WOULD A MAN DO ALL OF THESE THINGS FOR NO REASON??? This is why I feel so conflicted when I try to leave him, because his actions say I want a relationship, while his words say “I’m not ready”. Everyone says actions speak louder, buy in this case, Which do I listen to??? Am I just looking too deep into his actions and purposely ignoring the inevitable? I guess my biggest problem is that I’ve heard of women playing this “game” with men for YEARS! Although, I’m only 23, I feel like I don’t have that kind of time. I want to love a man, and he loves me back. Simple as that.Â
I should add that I have a pattern of dating EUM’s so yes, some of the blame is definitely on me! But I really care for this man. Is there any hope???
Hi Candi:
I don’t think there is any hope, as you ask, because you truly are in a relationship that doesn’t exist. This guy has been two timing you, has a narcissistic harem of female friends, and it sounds like he has been jobless and living at his mom’s for the duration of your relationship. He stated upfront he is not ready for a relationship. I think you are being a little delusional when you say the situation is “not as bad” as the other stories on this site.
Perhaps the reason he became less distant with you and is in continual contact with you is because he knows that you accepted that there will be no commitment from him and that you will be there for him, taking whatever he does with his other women. And the text you described does not sound “pretty innocent”. His female “frienships” are not appropriate.
He doesn’t want to say goodbye, but it appears he would be content to string you along indefinately. It doesn’t matter that he doesn’t disappear, you have a good time when you are together, you hear from him everyday, you are close with his relatives, etc. If you are going to look at his actions, please focus on the actions where he cheated on you repeatedly and likes to hang with his female “friends” .
This site has alot of great information about emotional unavailability, and if you want to stop your pattern of EUM’s, it is a wonderful resource. I think the most important thing is to look within yourself and your past and family relationships as to why you have a pattern of EUM’s and would continue to care for a man who treats you so crappily.
Candi,
Actually, his actions and words have shown you he is incapable of a relationship. The two of you have been together for 1.5 years and he is still telling you that he is unable to commit and doesn’t know what he wants. How much time does it take? I think it is so important to listen to what they are saying and believe it, I think you said he told you from the beginning that he was incapable of a relationship, respect these words and believe them.
Hon, I would move on from this man, he is not going to change and it is unfair to expect him to. Please don’t waste anymore time.
Carm & Gayle:
Thank you so much for your insight. You all are absolutely right and deep down I know what needs to be done. In my heart, I know that this little pseudo relationship I’m in is going nowhere. Even if this EUM changes and becomes emotionally available and wants a relationship, it won’t be with me. That’s how it always happens.Â
I went through his phone again last night and noticed the woman who sent me all those msgs about their “relationship” that was going on at the same time as me and his 1.5 year “relationship”, has popped back up. The message was saying something about, “it’s been awhile, I just wanted to see how you were doing”, but I know it’s only going to go further. Soon they’ll be back sleeping together & I’m a little afraid what I might do if I find out. I know I need to get out of this now before it gets any worse. But it’s so hard! I don’t even know how it’s possible to hold on so tight to NOTHING!
I realize that I am EU myself. As I said before, I have a pattern of involving myself with EUMs & I’m never alone for long. Only way I’ve managed to leave EUMs in the past is by replacing them with another one. And I do know where this stems from (as far as my childhood) but it doesn’t make it any easier to change or break the pattern. I know I don’t “love” him or even want to be with him, but I cannot be alone. I think leaving him and being alone is like admitting and having to accept how broken I am. That’s terrifying. I almost rather be hurt by him, than accept that I’m really the one hurting myself. If that makes sense? Does anybody else have this same problem? And if so, how did u finally overcome it and walk away successfully?
this post really helped me, iv been serching for something to give me advice on a situation that i know is ridiculous! i have liked this guy for a long long time but we have always both been in relatonships, now im single but hes still in one, just last week we had a few drinks and got talkin he told me he was really unhappy with his girlfriend etc etc and that he was single, so after outrageous flirting for all our friends to see all evening the enevitable happened and we got together, wen i text the nxt day, him and his gf were trying to ’sort things out’, BUT if he wer to become single i would be the first to know….wat an insult!!!!regardless i continued to text that day as did he but hav heard nothing since, i wish i had told him where to go that day as i realise if i do it now, over a week later i will look like a raving lunatic, im goin now to delete his number so i cannot do any damage and save wat dignity i have left and try stop thinking about him and how he ‘wants to be with me really’…haha us women really are nuts sometimes!!!
Sweetie187
Your story is just like my story. it is amazing how much things are similar.. are we talking about the same guy -;)))
Like you i had always very good relations and i am used to good treatment from guys and then i met EUM and i became an doormat.
I’m wondering how are you doing now?
Since i let my EUM broke up with me.. i did’t contact him anymore for 2 months now and i feel i’m going to heal very slowly because i’m getting more and more real.. thanks NML for that!!
Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder why certain sites such as Baggage Reclaim, so many self-help books on “how to cope with a Peter Pan”, “Women who loves too much and the Men that hates them”, “Men are from Mars… you get my point.
Now I come to this post and wonder, are we (women) just imagine these things in our head? Are some men really being the jerks that they are, they’re actually so simple, that we (women again) make things much more complicated than what reality really is?
Are women over analyzing things like I am now? Are we just a gender that has no other life than to serve and please our men?
How are our famous feminists would think of us now that we’re in a new century? If me of them were alive, they would probably look at us in here and wonder why we are still unhappy?
I know being a feminists has nothing to do with “feeling” hurt, however, as women today, we all have much, much more choices than our predecessors. We all have choices and to see that a lot of young women today are still being “stuck” in a submissive position is really bothersome.
“The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”
—Gloria Steinem
We all need to “unlearn” all these teachings and notions that us women have to “serve” and “stand by your man” bullshit! Yeah, would he stand by me if I go and screw another man while I’m married to him or would he stand by me while I go and get drunk out of my mind every night with my girlfriends, go through our money and not have enough for food and rent and just “leave it up to the man” to come up with rent money our of thin air?
Yeah, I don’t think so either
Ladies, we need to stop! We need to empower ourselves! We need to read books and learn from women like Gloria Steinem, look her up at the library! Look up famouse feminists women and see how little rights they had back in their days and how much they all suffered for us to have the right to vote! The right to have legal abortion! We are living with so much freedom and we’re trying to bind ourselves with these idiots who could careless if we get run over by a train in front of them!
We all need to stop wondering if we were in a relationship and they only way to stop that is to continue growing. Empowering ourselves. Look at NML, she’s a great example of a feminists helping us women. She’s empowering us with information. She’s a wonderful, kind hearted, compassionate woman who is trying to make us all understand that we, women have to stop our bullshit, romanticism of these ACs and EUMs who have moved on!
My theory is that men are no more liberated than women. – Indira Ghandi
We all need to stop thinking about those stupid Hollywood movies ladies and find something in our life that would mold us into a woman who you want to be! A woman who discovers the cure for breast cancer, a teacher, an attorney, something with more substance. So we are so busy doing those things that we won’t have time to “imagine” and wonder if we were truly in a relationship.
NML, in the few days since I’ve discovered your site, you have rekindled the real woman in me. You’ve given me the strenght and understanding to keep moving forward and get a life. You’ve rekindled my creativity, the part of me that I’d neglected, my feminine emotions, the part of me that I need to grive, the lost of my father and the part of me that refuses to have anything less than what I want, a full, real life.
Thank you NML for empowering women.
This is a great article.
Im in the process of taking a back step from a toxic relationship and ending something that doesnt really exist. It will hurt very much as i truly have never felt this way about someone before ( i hear you all laugh)
My problem is that not only do i work with this MM hes my boss and sits 20 feet away from me. This is probably the most stupid thing i have ever done in my life.
My marriage is almost finished and this MM has made me realise that i shouldn’t be married. As far as im concerened, what i have done is wrong and i shouldnt be with my husband. I’m getting my house in order wether or not my boss wants to be a part of it.
I’ve reached the conclusion that i am in control of my life because i’m sorting it out, its clear that i dont love my husband otherwise i wouldnt have done this. I may regret it but i have to make the journey to move forwards.
As for the MM? i know now he’ll never leave his wife and children becasue he said “he has it too easy at home” He declares love for me, desire, i’m his star employee but im begining to see that its all take, take, take. I think he knows i’m starting to take control and is clinging on. If he’s as kind as he perceives himself to be and loves me as much as he says then he’ll respect my decision and we’ll remain good friends and maintain a successful working relationship.
Wish me luck.
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