It doesn’t matter if you think that they’re The Most Amazing Person That Ever Did Live™;they’re just not that special.
That means that they’re just not that special that you should resign all of your power and worth over to them.
They’re just not that special that they get a special pass on behaving in a decent manner.
They’re just not that special that you being treated in a less than manner is justifiable. It’s not and I don’t care whether they’re platinum coated with a chocolate centre with an off the charts IQ, great looks, a great lay, an amazing job, or liked by ‘everybody’ – they’re still just not that special.
They’re just not that special that you should pump them up, put them on a pedestal, and then stand beneath it looking up at them.
They’re just not that special that for however long that you’ve lived on this earth, this person has the rights, the opportunities, and the power to basically change you.
They’re just not that special that you should swap your perspective for their perspective, especially because often what you think is their perspective is actually your perspective gained from the meanings you’ve attached to their behaviour.
They’re just not that special that they get to tell you who they are while defining themselves as an expert on you – you’re the expert on you.
Rejection is a hell of a lot easier to deal with and reject the impact of, when you get your self-esteem house in order so that you can hold your own. This is as simple as operating from a basis that you will treat you with love, care, trust, and respect at all times. This means that when someone doesn’t do this, you’ll step in and opt out or distance yourself instead of taking up a vocation in trying to prove them wrong and demanding that a grown up treat you better.
The fact that someone who you are in essence blowing smoke up their arse and putting them on a pedestal, would treat you in a less than manner, isn’t down to you being a less than person and is in fact down to their character. It’s not about you.
This all goes awry from the moment that you receive the ‘feedback’ from them saying or doing something and you take it as meaning something about you, question what you’ve said, done, or been to ‘provoke’ it, and then in turn make a judgement about you.
From the moment that you’re not receiving the feedback from what someone says or does (or doesn’t say or do) and you’re not relating that information to them as a person and judging the situation and them, you’ve got problems, not least because it has a domino effect.
You make that first judgement call and after that, whatever they say or do gets the same meaning plus often unbeknownst to you, you adjust your behaviour to accommodate the judgements you’ve made. This is dangerous. Next thing you know, you don’t know who you are anymore and you’re blaming everything on the rejection that you feel wouldn’t have happened if only you’d done X,Y,Z.
Many people are under this mistaken impression that everyone has different characteristics, qualities, and values that they bring out for different people. “Oh you’re attractive enough, I’ll roll out my nicey-nice character. Oh I sense that you’re a wrong-un, I’ll bring out my using character and take advantage of you because you don’t deserve my better side. Obviously if you want to jump through hoops and run naked through fire in order to prove yourself to me, I won’t stop you but I’ll neglect to tell you that it won’t make a difference anyway.”
Aside from this giving the impression that the world is overwhelmingly populated with people that have multiple-personality disorders, it also gives the impression that lack of authenticity and character is acceptable when the recipient of it is not worthy of something better.
You are living under a premise that inappropriate, unhealthy, or even abusive behaviour can be explained or even accepted when you believe that a person’s worth is influencing it. Most people do not have a natural aptitude to read people’s mind’s, to automatically know who is trustworthy, friend worthy, or even relationship worthy, and many of us don’t even know what the hell we’re thinking half of the time – don’t you think it’s more than a little bonkers to lead with this assumption that people who treat you in a less than manner are privy to some information about your worth that is seeping out of your pores, or transmitting coded information over a hidden frequency?
Let’s say that they have gotten to know you – why assume that what someone thinks they know or how they treat you is right? The only reason you would believe this is because you are already inclined to be swayed in this direction about you anyway. It’s either that, or you’ve idolised them so much (which would only indicate that you’ve invested far too much self-esteem stock), that when they start chip-chip-chipping away at you, you’re so eager to please and restore the ‘sunshine’ that you don’t see the shady wood for what appear to be the glittering trees.
People don’t always value others or even their things. That doesn’t mean that the person or the object lacks value – it just means that the person doesn’t value it because of their own relationship with themselves and their value system.
Whatever perspective you’ve gained from being in a shady relationship or being mistreated by someone, it’s important to recognise that if you don’t have the self-esteem and the perspective to go with it, it means that you’re viewing yourself through Shady Vision. I’ve seen bad things happen to lovely people – they haven’t, for instance, invited people to commit crimes against them because their worth was being transmitted out to criminals in the area. Part of the recovery for these people is about processing what’s happened and regaining a perspective with their sense of self as opposed to the crime that happened at the centre of it.
Don’t make judgements about you based on a perspective gained from being treated in a less than manner – spend more time regaining your sense of self and nurturing you, than you do trying to legitimise crappy treatment by ripping your character apart.
You never deserve to be mistreated – don’t continue the mistreatment by mistreating yourself in the aftermath.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1083 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I usually agree with Natalie 100%, but this time I don’t. Personally, I do believe that certain people put out messages that they are emotionally weak, which users and emotional abusers pounce on in order to make them their next victim. I absolutely believe that males are great at sensing who is the weakest prey, by which I mean at sensing which woman, even if she looks assertive and as someone who won’t take crap, will in reality turn herself into an emotional pretzel to try to turn the dating into a relationship or to keep a fizzling relationship going.
This is very similar to kids on a playground or in a classroom. The kids who are abusers and bullies know who the weak kids are – the boys who don’t stand up for themselves, the ones who walk around with shoulders hunched over, tentatively looking around, walking with an unsure gait. Those boys are toast in the jungle called school.
The same thing applies to women whom men pick for pretend relationships. They know that we desperately want to be loved and for the guy to be in love with us, that we want the romance, the “love story” – and they create a lovely mirage to last just long enough for them to get what they want (to feed their ego, to get over some woman who dumped them, for sex, or simply to hurt us because they get their jollies out of emotionally abusing women). In the end, we have to forget about the beautiful untruth and unrealistic expectations created by romance novels. The reality is drastically and dramatically different. We need to be satisfied and content with ourselves. I can honestly say that I have reached that point in my life. I no longer give a whit about finding lasting love and romance. I don’t even care to date any of the guys out there – most of whom in the 50s age group are impotent, fat, unkept, ungroomed, hairy, and possessors of a pregnant-looking gut. After all the pain I’ve been through over a period of 7 years (wow, how time has passed!) I am finally free of illusions and my eyes are wide open to the reality of modern-day life: it’s best to be alone than in bad company.
nice one
thank u
I cried reading this one.
I recently got the “I’ll look at the dating website right after we have sex while you are still in the room” treatment, followed by passive aggressive treatment including “Im trying not to talk to you, so you shut up, but it doesnt seem to be working!” and absolute disregard for my presence from the assclown I was dating for a month (thank god, it was short). I know it was all him, this was not about me but his emotional unavailability (talked about the ex from 4 years ago, got pissed off with everything when she texted etc) and his insecurities. Sad thing was this happened all on the ONE weekend when I decided to buy dinner for his birthday and cook breakfast. Never have had someone turn around and do that – be a absolutely lovely and then do a complete turn around over 1 weekend. Never been so shocked and paralysed.
I did stand up later that day and ask him what was going on, only to be told that he would never date someone else while he was with me..followed by we are too different and he cant see me mother of his children. Yup. Had a whole month to tell me, but ofcourse, wait until we have had sex (oh and he said didnt feel the passion inspite of repeated shagging). I am so proud of myself for standing upto him and I know he will never contact me (I wasnt good enough for him and Im sure he thinks he can do MUCH better).
I got treated like I was toxic. I stood up and didnt let the behaviour slide by and approached the issue like an adult. I am glad he broke up with me and it wasnt 6 months later when I would have been in love (I wouldnt have lasted that long, such treatment would have taken me no further than a few more week). But it hurts, so so much. On a good day, I power thru, knowing I have a generous spirit and a kind, honest heart. On bad days, I punish myself for thinking the red flags were amber and for not asking questions (I thought the questions could wait, it had only been a few weeks of dating). I beat myself up so much, I expected better from me. On worse days, I define my worth by how he treated me.
Why can some people be so selfish, lost in their own s*it to even realise that the other person is human and showing you care and respect? Are EUMs that lost? Do these people have a “better side” at all?I dont think they do, not at all. I have dodged a bullet, but it has shattered so much of me…
PurlpleLily, That man is toxic! Certainly, not you. Please do not let his hostility and disrespect for women become internalized. It’s like the crazy homeless person on the street yelling at nobody and everybody. It’s jarring but not personal. His disordered personality is his alone and not a reflection on you. (((Hugs)))
FX – thank you for your kind words. This man’s awful behaviour caught me off guard. Never had I seen someone who is so kind and then switches (been with full on EUM who was nasty from the start and a massive coward; younger me). Everything was about him, he never asked me about me, it was about HIS job, HIS bad relationship with his mum, HIS rebellious teen years, HIS Ex’s who left him broken, why he felt HE shouldnt be paying so much taxes, how much he hates the fact that HE has bad teeth…you get the idea. And the constant mention of “me and my ex../my ex….”
Shockingly enough, he once told me “I get very attached in my relationships”. HUH?? Is that even possible? I cant imagine someone who knows how what it feels to be ‘attached’ and ‘broken’ to turn around and treat me like s**t? I cant imagine how his ex stayed for 3 years (and another for 8 months).
He promised me he wanted a relationship and is over the one-night-stand phase of his life, doesnt like the head games etc etc…but I think this man is addicted to the chase. I dont do the mind games, I dont do the chase the lusty feeling or the chemistry, I dont want or provide the drama. Just a healthy, fun, dating phase where I will respect and care and trust and work upto a similar, mutually fulfilling relationship.
I feel so broken. Its 3 weeks since the split and every week, my mind has a different story to cope with “I know I didnt do anything wrong..what are you punishing me for?” Next week it is “did you care at all? even a little bit?” This week “did you perhaps have some goodness and I screwed it up somehow?”. It doesnt feel like I am getting better…but I just hold onto the fact that I am a good, decent, caring human being who stood up for herself. I think that will get me thru to the other end of this lonely, painful tunnel.
Hi there
Struggling a little today. Someone that I though (probably erroneously) cared for me has met another woman and I feel like I’ve been taken for a ride. I probably was …
I can’t wrap my head around whether this man is an EUM or not. We had a ‘moment’ some time last year but I refused to sleep with him because I didn’t feel like he knew me and I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough. Plans to make a date and a million cancellations – punctuated by a sojourn to ‘find himself’ – then back to base and then another bunch of ‘almost made’ and cancelled plans had me thinking it was time to move on. In fact, emotionally, I had taken those first few steps. But now I find he is romancing someone new and this has set me back. Now I wonder: ‘was I too hard on him?’ and ‘should I have just taken a chance?’ or, even better, ‘What does he show her that he doesn’t show me?’. Do I really think he is showing her a different side to who he is because he actually cares about her?
Even now, I don’t want to think the worst of him – but, what I know of him and people generally, leads me to think that she is seeing the best side of him right now and he is on his best behaviour. I wonder whether my inclination will be vindicated…
My friends tell me that I’ve dodged a bullet and I’m sure they are right. When I first met him I didn’t get a good feeling about him – I didn’t even really like him at all – but, somehow, over years he managed to get under my skin. Proximity no doubt helps – we are (at this point in time) unavoidably in each other’s vicinity most of the time. I wonder whether I would have given him the time of day if I had only met him once or twice. I think probably not because he wouldn’t have had the opportunity to inveigle his way under my guard.
I’m frustrated in myself for not sticking with my gut instinct. But I was really attracted to him and I wanted him to be the man I wanted to have in my life – for this reason I gave him far more mental energy than he deserved. Thankfully, my physical boundaries remained firm so I, at least, have that positive to take away from this.
But today I feel stupid and foolish. And I wonder how many times I’ll have to come across people who don’t treat me the way I hope to be treated before I am more clear in myself to just be able to move on and not let my hopes and…
Square One,
I do not know the background to your story, so I will not comment on it. But I just wanted to send you hugs – I am having a bad day/week too. I know how everything you have said feels..and it breaks your heart and leaves you in this scary, lonely place.
DONT blame yourself so much, you didnt do anything wrong. Infact, look, you had the clarity of mind to not have sex with him. It might/would have hurt a LOT more if you did. You stood with yourself and what you felt (that you were not ready) and made the right choice. You also knew in your heart that he was perhaps not giving you the right sort and amount of attention that he should – he cant keep cancelling, that says that he somehow, isisnt keen (Ive been there and feels like shit).
Were you too hard on him? I dont think so. Taken a chance? You did, you wanted to go out with him but he kept cancelling. There is your chance, it just didnt get accepted. What does he show her..? Well, if he is an EUM (he does seem like someone who cant be upfront and honest..), she will see the shiny beginnings but eventually he will go back to being who he is. They never last being “good”. There is no such thing as good person = bad behaviour. Never. And people you know think so too. As NML said somewhere here, a good, honest guy doesnt become an assclown. He was always just one.
Dont even think about “does he care about her?”..what good does that do to you? It is tough now but give yourself time and you wont care what he does (Im desperately hoping for this to happen soon).
You have dodged a bullet. Something in you said that you didnt like him..something in you gave you those signals. Next time, you will learn to really, really listen to it. Maybe if you had spent time with him, he wouldnt be that amazing after all.
Dont feel stupid and foolish..or atleast, know that I feel stupid and foolish too (a fun boat when there are two or more!). WE all have been there – where we want this man to be THE man in our lives. And the desire is so strong. But you will get thru this and you will meet someone worthy of you, someone who cherishes you – soon. Just know that how he treated you was NOT ok, you dont want someone like this for life (I imagine weeks and months and years of the poor, passive aggressive treatment that I received in just the one day and I want to throw up). What sort of life would…
Square One,
“I wanted him to be the man I wanted to have in my life”
I don’t know if you meant to put it like that, but I think this is brilliant – it captures exactly the problem for so many of us:
We don’t want *them* in our lives; we want them to BE the man we want in our lives! Yes!
Makes me picture an FBG sussing up her latest EUM, thought bubble over her head: “So, there’s this man I want in my life. Can you please be him?”
(continuing from above)..
…What sort of a life would that be? No one deserve poor treatment, absolutely no one. There are so many people out there who do not and will never value us, no matter how much we value them. Doesnt matter, they are screwed up beyond help and its not for us to save them. You got out and you will only get better and stronger. Believe that.
Square One, I hope your day gets better. If it doesnt, come back and share . Always helps to talk. Be kind to yourself and hugs.
Sorry, Square One, I don’t mean to make light of what you’re going through right now, which is painful and real. I just thought how you phrased it was absolutely spot on and it made me light up!
It sounds like the man you were seeing wanted to keep it all no-strings and the moment you showed some loyalty and intimacy (wanting to celebrate his birthday), all his nasty behaviour came out, basically the coward’s equivalent of saying: go away. Your friends are right. This guy is no prize.
i needed to re read this one and i am so glad that i did. i get so hung up on horrible things that are said about me by someone that was never a good person to begin with and wonder if i’m the one with the issues? i can get so caught up in someone else that you start to think their behavior is normal and that i’m the one who causes the spats that caused him to be mean and nasty, when really, he is just mean and nasty from the get go and is playing a role that he is, well, otherwise. so thankful for you, Natalie, and all the other people who read this blog and get stronger everyday by applying these life changing principles to your own lives. so great to know i am not alone in this and that i don’t have to tear myself down over and over and over.
You are NOT the one with issues. EUMs are the one with issues – they just do not connect to their emotions, they no nothing about empathy and nothing is ever their fault. Im sorry you were treated that way, you are no alone at all and do not blame yourself for his behaviour. This is who he is and always has been and always will be. Dont give up, you will get stronger. You deserve so much better.