thumbs up

Have you ever found yourself blindsided by the confusion of not knowing what the hell you should think about how badly you’ve been treated by a guy?

Well I can bet if you have been involved with a Mr Unavailable or assclown that you’ve felt this way.

Have you found yourself looking back of your relationship and feeling more than a bit galled and bewildered by the type of relationship and behaviour that you have accepted?

I’ll bet you have!

I was speaking with a reader earlier who has been through exactly this – you know it doesn’t feel good. You know what you like and what you don’t like. You know there is something more than a little jacked up about what you have experienced and yet…

The self doubt comes in.

It’s the rationalising, the ignoring, the denying, the ability to see gold where there is rusty copper, the confusion, the listening to the words rather than looking at the actions.

More importantly, you no longer know what is ‘normal’ anymore.

Your normal is what you used to think is screwed up.

You have become very good at normalising bad behaviour.

If you imagine your ‘relationship’ with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns like this:

Imagine that your capacity to love is at, let’s say 70%. Depending on what flavour of guy you’re messing with out of these two, let’s say his capacity is 20%.

These guys don’t see themselves in the reality because they are distanced from their emotions and distanced from their behaviour – hence why their words rarely match their actions.

Their oversized ego’s, which compensate for the little boy within, have them rationalising their behaviour to themselves and deciding that they’re Mr Wonderful’s.

You know the “It’s not like I cheat/beat/steal/do x,y,z like ‘other’ guys” kind of rubbish… Or “I wouldn’t be this way if you weren’t so needy/thinner/gave me more BJ’s/let me sleep around…” crap…

As a result, they don’t see their 20% as 20% – they see it as 100%.

This is why they big up themselves and think their crumbs should be more than enough to sustain you.

They throw you a crumb but in their eyes, the crumb has become a loaf in the transit.

They’ve given as much as they’re capable of giving, but it’s not up to much, but in their eyes, they think it’s brilliant because they’ve normalised their own bad behaviour.

The key is that you have got to stop thinking that because someone has given all that they can give that it makes it enough, or believing that you can continue to put your bucket down in the emotional blackhole well in the hope that on one of the buckets trips, some extra emotion will come out.

When they first started doing things that you didn’t like, you will have objected, but in eventually accepting their behaviour because you wanted to believe in the best him, the illusion, the guy you think is hidden within, or the relationship that you so desperately want, your expectations got managed down to accommodate them, and you got trained.

You have adapted to the whims and idiosyncrasies each time you have been with these men, so what was abnormal has become totally normal.

This is how you end up becoming distanced from yourself and forgetting who you are, what you need, what you want etc.

This is why it is important to step back, cut contact, have some breathing space, and figure out who the hell you are, what you’re doing, what you want, and where you are going.

You need to separate yourself from your men and re-establish your identity.

You and your Mr Unavailable/assclown are not the same person.

They don’t get to make the rules – you do.

They don’t get to define the boundaries – you do.

They don’t get to decide what you like and don’t like – you do.

More importantly, you have to step back and re-evaluate this relationship thang because trust me, normalising their bad behaviour and moulding, adapting, and accommodating till the cows come home is not working for you.

You don’t get extra brownie points. They don’t love you more, respect you, trust you, or care about you more. In fact, they just use your behaviour as an excuse to continue their behaviour because they believe and know that if you loved yourself more and had boundaries in place, there’s no way in hell you’d continue to give him the time of day.

If you’ve been saying to yourself that you don’t know what’s normal anymore or that you no longer know what a normal relationship looks like, step back, re-evaluate, and start building a you with boundaries and healthier attitudes towards yourself and love.

If you put your feet in reality and think about how these men have behaved, you will recognise that at times they’ve been nothing short of outrageous! You can only truly see this if you don’t have the shadow of their crap looming over you which is why cutting contact, ending the relationship, whatever it is you need to do, in time, will give you objectivity, which in turn will give you the freedom to take care of you.

Your thoughts?

Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. If you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
First Name * Email *

127 Responses to Normalising Bad Behaviour in your Relationships

  1. Meant to be Happy says:

    @Beinghappy,

    That’s great you are with a fantastic guy now. Do you think your ex could be “telling you what you want to hear” to try to reel you back in? I don’t know your situation with the ex EUM, so can’t really comment, but it sounds like you have good insight and good for you for going back to NC!

    @Butterfly

    Sorry to hear you were feeling crappy. That’s great you picked up on red flags tho! I hope today is a better day for you. Hugs to you…

  2. SomethingSomethingSomethingdarkside says:

    My only question is this. When I was with my ex EUM, I had asked him and he had told me about his past history with exes. From what he SAID, I am the only cross-country relationship he had (obvious unavailability). When he mentioned his exes, one of them lived down the block from him, more than half a decade later he met someone through a family member (also locational proximity) he admitted he was a dick to and they lasted only a couple of months, and then he met me. But the way he talks about them, it sounds like it was absolutely nothing like the way he treated me and i’m beginning to believe it. Is it true that our ex EUM’s once had real, lasting relationships and went sour on us or did my ex fill his history with helium?

    This was the only question I ever had…After almost 1 full yr of NC I wish someone would please answer it.

  3. Penny says:

    @Being Happy,

    Glad you hear you have met someone that you are happy with, and that this relationship is a positive one. It gives the rest of us hope.

    Maybe, just maybe he is truly sorry about the way he treated you, and regrets the way he behaved in your relationship. Even if that were true, IMO, he is “a day late, and a dollar short.” Adults need to recognize that there are consequences to behavior-good and bad. He behaved badly towards you and your relationship and now the relationship is over. Even if he has changed (doubtful) he now has to face the consequences of the manner in which he treated you; you left the relationship AND you have found someone new that seems to genuinely care about you. You new man seems to be able to demonstrate that he cares about you. Don’t spend anymore time on someone that did not value you; spend your time on the person that does value you and what you bring to the relationship.

  4. Anusha says:

    @Brad-Thank you for your sugestion :) I tried doing a journal right after the break up but it didnt work much because it would be mainly about how much I missed him and how sad I was for the break up and so on.I liked your idea to put on it levels of emotional happiness,wanting to be with others and so on.I think that way realy goes to the point of what it should be and can show my progress.Right after the break up I was fine,I think is because I was so angry at him that I didnt realy got much sad or missed him.Then once the anger started to fade I got trough a low period and my dating experiences not working helped on that too.Since yesterday I started to fell better again.I have been reading the articles here again and that helped to put me back on track.Even though the yearning for him can get so strong sometimes,giving in to that would be like throwing away all the hard work I did until now.Plus I was always after him,pretty much beging him to talk to me or spend some time with me and now I chosed to love myself I just cant act like that anymore.I showed to him many times how important was for me to be around him(I was the one asking to get back together when we broke up before and the one who kept asking him to be friends) so I think I did my part with that already.Anyway 3 months NC today!!!!!!! That is what matters.

  5. DazedandConfused says:

    Something… I am a bit confused by what you wrote. You said he admitted to treating these other people poorly but then said he didn’t treat like he did you… he also said they only lasted a couple of months. Within a couple of months it’s really easy to keep up good courting behaviour. Was he with you longer than 2 months? My ex was great for the first 2 months… but over time he became dark, depressed… moody. I was just thinking about this before I read your message. He was so happy and bouncing around when he met me and now is this angry dark nasty person.

    So even if you ex was “kind” to these other women, it’s very easy to keep that up for 2 months. Mine managed to live with a woman for 2 years, but left me after a matter of months. What did she do or not do that I didn’t? Each woman will accommodate different behaviour but he is the key element. My ex was with this woman for 2 years but guess what… it didn’t work out either. The point is… none of his relationships worked out and he didn’t display good behaviour with you. Generally as we mature we display better behaviour.

    In my situation I have looked back and I have treated some people very badly in my past… however I have since apologized or it was short lived. These men, in my opinion, seem to display longer last negative character traits. I have blamed myself and thought maybe I was so awful and deserve to be treated the way my ex is treating me… generally normal people do not have the energy to expend torturing you, being mean to you… most people just move on. His behaviour is likely more ingrained in his personality, so it’s unlikely it came up over night and was just with you.

  6. aphrogirl says:

    I am wondering something here that might be related.I do wonder if our standards triggers their bad behavior. I see that many of us here have high expectations for integrity in relationship. I am thinking that the AC wants those high standards too, but thinks he can acquire them by glomming onto us. When he finds out it does not work that way, and that HE has a lot of hard work to do, he may opt out by turning on us.

    Heres my latest theory

    EUM/AC, who knows he is EUM even if he has never heard the term…meets Ms Pretty Dang Emotionally Available. He wants this, maybe he feels he is missing something and she has it.

    Thus, he starts HIS fantasy, that she will fill the void of emptiness that he often has, the thing that goes deeper than looks and all. He is heavily invested in his fantasy that YOU can give him all this, and gloms onto you to receive it. Of course early on he plays a bit of polite courtship cause he knows you do have to give to receive but…that is a lot of work for him and he can’t keep up the giving part for long .

    Becasue he is glomming and not giving…you begin your fantasy that any day he’ll be coming around to the guy that you see in him… the guy who he kinda wants to be, even if he’s not really thinking about it. At the same time you start to get understandably frustrated and angry at this AC antics. When you start to call him on this, you cannot fulfill his fantasy anymore, and give him the vision of himself that he wants so bad.

    It’s a bad dance, that at some level both know they ned to sit out. I spose with therapy maybe some couples could weather this, but if we were doing couples therapy we would not be here alone reading and writing and figuring this out on our own.

    So to answer your ?? something dark side…sure, he could be diff with other women, there could easly be a totally different dynamic. But that did not mean they had a satisfying relationship… thats why they are not together anymore.

    Bottom line really is that people are complicated and two together even more so. We are all different, but after EUM my boundaries now include the need for an emotionally intelligent partner with a strong work ethic and who is committed to developing stellar communication.I expect nothing less than that in my behavior also.

    BTW, The sarcastic part of me presenttly says…dream on bout finding THAT man ;-))

  7. SomethingSomethingDarkSide says:

    @DazedandConfused,

    Thanks for your reply, dear. Actually my point was that the first relationship was about a year long, the second was a couple of months (and this one he admitted to treating poorly), and the last one was me…we broke up and got back together several times so on average the relationship itself lasted for roughly 1 yr and a couple of months. The first girl, the way he talked about her was just glamorous.. Living within houses of one another…going to school together…families were extremely close…by the end of that year they were joining the same workplace but eventually something broke them up and they went their separate ways. It really breaks my heart. The second one he talked about glamorously too except he admitted that there was tension. Hell, when things happened between him and me that was extremely important, he’d actually say things like “I wonder if that’s happened with anyone else in my past without me knowing…” Pointing attention to his exes, and taking value away from me. It was brutal.

    So this is why I wonder if he was full of shit or not. I mean read what I wrote..it sounds perfect, doesn’t it?

  8. Butterfly says:

    @Something – after a year of NC, perhaps the kindest thing you can do is assume he is full of crap. After all, it really doesn’t matter – because even if you could have a no-strings no pain talk with him (which you can’t, obviously, the payment is way more pain) and he told you whatever he would tell you, you’d still wonder if he was telling you the truth or not. It’s the nature of the beast – maybe just assuming he was completely full of shit is the best way, I don’t know, it works for me most of the time.

    Those break-up and return times … ouch. I hope someday very soon you can change your name to somethingsomethinglightinside :)

    @ meant – well, not really. How ironic – meeting someone who clearly thinks only of themselves is making me burn and yearn for me asshole-as-was. However, I think there are some positives in this. Firstly, as NML has said, when I analyse things I am longing for the potential I was betting on – cos actually there was a moment or two during that date which brought back some sharp memories of sitting somewhere 4000 miles from home and thinking “maybe this guy really IS a jerk” (at least I have my answer to this.

    So it’s not him. It’s not about him – it’s about a collection of my fears – money, stability, safety, having someone to hold me and feeling like I never will again – well, that’s a self fulfilling prophesy if I ever I heard one, so I have decided today to make a list of objectives and try to fulfil them each day.

    @aphrogirl – I think you have something here, it’s like when something you say jarrs with their perception of you on a pedestal then you have personally insulted them. Like pointing out that Sarah Palin is a moose murdering lunatic rather than agreeing with “she’s HAWT”. Please, give me strength! He was properly angry with me for that lack of valediction of his worldview.

    @being happy – great! As to the chase – believe me, if you let him think he had you back again it would all halt again and the cold winds of Siberia would be blowing once he thought you were all invested in him again. NC FTW!!

  9. Brad K. says:

    @ BeingHappy,

    “Hey, I broke the NCR about 3 weeks ago now. Really wish i hadn’t as it took a toll on my current relationship.”

    Is that . . . cheating? You have a relationship, so why are you messing around with other guys, even (or especially) an ex? If you are not ready to devote yourself to a new shared life (that another guy still owns a piece of your heart or attention), why are you out there with someone new? If this new guy is just there to fill in the empty places, how can you be sure that you have correctly evaluated his character and worth, before you consider yourself in a relationship? If you haven’t finished dealing with the past, there is a risk that you haven’t finished learning all you need to pick an emotionally healthy partner of character and honor.

    NC is supposed to establish a safe time, to heal wounds old and new, and to deal with the doubts and fears that brought you together with the bozo(s) from the past. This time is about you, about your self esteem and respect. If you are still thinking of this time as being “NC” then I think you should also think of yourself as emotionally “walking wounded” – and handicapped, relationship-wise.

    I guess calling what happened cheating is judgmental and harsh. But I think of the impact on you, on your new guy, and this new relationship, there is at least as much chance of someone, or several someones, getting hurt as a married person taking sex adventures on the side. And I don’t like to see good people get hurt from simple mistakes.

    Blessed be.

  10. DazedandConfused says:

    Something… I am going to go with he’s full of it. But not that he is being dishonest… it’s just how you remember these things after a period of time. My ex from two years ago… great guy. Loved him to death, a total sweatheart and I wish all good things for him. He cheated on me, twice :-) I don’t often say that part now… because it’s water under the bridge.

    My recent Ex… he had a way of saying how all his exes were really lovely women and it was too bad they were “too naive,” “verbally abused me”… It was like this one small character trait, but oh no he would never say anything mean. To me, normal people either don’t bring it up or can say in a healthy manner that they were angry about such and such. People are not perfect. If he relationship with that girl for a year was sooooo fantastic “where the hell is she now???”.

    Oh ya my ex told me the family loved him… she just became very depressed and it saddened him because he could do nothing to help her. Ya likely because you were the cause of her depression.

    People remember these things a certain way, it’s a self protection thing for all people. Where would most of us be if a few years later we remembered the pain of a break up like it happened yesterday?

    So take what he says with a grain of salt… the key thing is that girl is gone and he is still looking.

  11. annied says:

    NML!!!!

    This is the very BEST article you have written so far!!!

    So many have fit the situation I let myself get into … but this one could not be plainer or more clear what we have ALL have been doing.

    thank you so very much. I am so glad you are here!

  12. debbie says:

    I to for a long time rationalized the bad behavior of a man I was invoved with for several years. Until the day came when he pulled a stunt that even I didin’t think he would stoop down to doing.

    I had asked him to do me a favor and again not thinking that he would do this I have him the necessary money to do this.

    That was 4 months ago. Did I try to contact him? Sure I did anybody in their right mind would do the same.

    In any event these past 4 months haven’t been all that hard. The beggining was but enough time has gone by and his staying gone just helps me to keep moving foward a lot easier.

    The sad part about this and a host of similar other situationx is that these fools almost always come back. I for one never want to see this man again. He did a very horrible thing by taking money from me and then disappearing. IMO that is considered stealing a behavior that under no kind of circumstances as being acceptable.

    He’ll be back one day when he thinks I am over what he did. I will never ge over this and when the day comes for him to rear his ugly head again boy have a good a trick for him.

  13. Snookumcat says:

    I love this site and everyone’s input! It’s helped me so much to understand what I basically knew all along and didn’t want to believe – that when a man says he believes he’s a borderline sociopath; THAT’S the time to leave! He was a sweetheart for the 1st 6 months, then a back operation & subsequent pain & heavy-duty narcotics created even more of an EUM! I paid his rent & most of his bills for 17 months until Workman’s Comp. finally kicked in, and as soon as he got his money and paid me back, I was emotionally kicked to the curb. He strategized how to get back his ex from 25 years ago, and now the two of them are probably playing each other like fish on a line. She knows all about me, and if she has 1/2 a brain she’ll be wondering “if he can do that to someone like HER, what’s he going to do someday to ME?” But I’m getting to the point where I don’t care. I know karma will get him some day, and he’ll end up like his cheating father – not as handsome as before, and living alone, when he could’ve had a loyal, loving wife or girlfriend with him, if only he had a heart. Of course he says he’s a decent guy, but what decent guy, after what he did to me, tells me the last time I saw him, that down the road there will be others after this ex he had to get back so badly. Wonder if he told her that. He was great in bed, but good sex does not a relationship make. And now he can’t even give that crumb, since a 2nd operation really screwed him up. But this site is helping me to feel what he even told me – that I need to find someone who will love and adore me for the great woman I am, and now I’m better learning how to make that happen. I freaking deserve it!

  14. About to walk away says:

    I have been in a spell of a married man who is cheating with other woman whilst in the relationship with me , never thought in my wildest dream that I would do something so stupid but I am doing and its been a year and a half now and have decided to take a stand and walk away but I have so much fear its not funny anymore because I got to realise that I have never been alone for the past 5 years , I had always had a booty call around or someone to sleep with or what I would call a relationship realising that is was not a relationship. I got to make him my mentor/friend/soulmate/boyfriend and everything you can think of I even go around telling people I have a boyfriend and not telling them that its a married man. How do I walk away and know that I will feel so much pain so unbearable so alone for the first in a lot of years, I do not think that I can handle being alone and that scares the hell our of me!!

  15. aphrogirl says:

    about to walk away

    read read read this site. Read to hear the stories of all the women here, like you who want something more than what they have. Read NML’s book. Hopefully you will come to the conclusion that what you have with this man is nothing but heartache and wanting and wishing. Lots of us have had the same fear and have learned that it is to be better, way better, to be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship. There is also plenty to learn about why you might chose such a fantasy life and the damage that choice does to one’s self esteem.

    You defined it well, you are under a spell.It can take weeks or months of being away from the EUM to break that spell but once you get through the first few weeks of No Contact you will hopefully know that it is best for you. And that will give you the motivation to continue staying away.

    I think most of us who post here would never go back to an EUM. We read to keep us on the sane path, and to understand how we can become entranced. We keep reading and posting to retrain ourselves, and our incredible abilities to indulge in rich fantasies. For me the goal now is to learn to spot unhealthy relationships from the beginning when it is easy to get out. I have learned so much from the EUM experience and the help of this site.

    Good luck.

  16. Meant to be Happy says:

    @about to walk away.
    I love your name because it sounds like you are at the point of ‘having enough of it” I can relate to your story because, although my MM and I were supposed to be “exclusive” (he told me his wife had refused sex with him for several years), I did see him flirting with other women and I never really trusted him not to sleep with others.

    I know how difficult it is to break up with a MM. I ended my “relationship” a little over 3 weeks ago, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was with him for 14 months, and what made me “finally snap” was realizing that I would never be a priority for him, that he mostly wanted me to fulfill his own physical needs, and that he could not express his feelings for me. He could not tell me ways that he valued me as a person, just physical attributes. I also knew he would never leave his wife and I was sick of waiting for him to call, email, chat online, or basically communicate with me so I could feel “connected”. I was stressed and miserable waiting all the time. I also felt guilty for the possible consequences for innocent people if our affair was discovered. Reading many posts on this site was also helpful. I kind of did a version of the “get out plan” instead of going NC cold turkey, and I did actually break up with him over the phone. You can always come to this site for support. The fastest way to get feedback is usually commenting on the most recent post (which is “compatibility and type part 3” – or something similar – right now). I agree with others on here that being alone is better than accepting crumbs from a MM, especially one who has many partners!!!! Good luck with your decision.

  17. a moment of clarity says:

    I stumbled across this website in the early hours of the morning when I couldn’t sleep because of stomach upset (maybe a “gut feeling”). I am currently in a relationship (if you can actually call it that) with an EUM. I really thought it was my choice! After having a daliance with him 3 years ago and all but forgotten him, he contacted me at work one day.

    Now, short version of the back story; recently escaped from an emotionally abusive man that I was engaged to, jumped staight into the next thing that came along (lasted 5 weeks), thought I was so clever at recognising the red flags, which is why it only lasted 5 weeks. But lo and behold, after denying initial contact with EUM, contacted him knowing full well how little he could offer me.

    I believed I could have a “friends with benefits” type of thing with him and thought I was mature enough to handle something like this! What a fool am I! I am in my forties, intelligent, attractive, fun, adventurous but I have had two marriages and one engagement as well as other relationships in between.

    It is becoming clear that although my self esteem and respect have grown significantly in the past 10 years, I still have a way to go. Especially in regards to relationships!

    Thank you for my moment of clarity

  18. PlanetJane says:

    I’m glad you had a moment of clarity Momentofclarity :-) Ha ha. Best of luck in your healing.

    I just wanted to comment on one thing:
    “I believed I could have a “friends with benefits” type of thing with him and thought I was mature enough to handle something like this! What a fool am I!”

    Why do people think that a “friends with benefits” type thing is so “mature?” I think of it as something that 20-somethings are likely to do. And the 40-year olds that I know, that are capable of it and engaging in it, are emotionally stunted people that, to use a common NML phrase, “don’t know their arse from their elbow.” I’ve had the “pleasure” of meeting some recently – not to mention my xeum/AC – and honestly, they are people for whom I have absolutely no admiration. They are certainly not mature, or nearly as cool as they think they are.

    Don’t beat yourself up for not being able, in your forties especially, to feel good with a “friends with benefits” situation. I think our values as a culture are incredibly skewed. And would not want to be the type of person who could do this!

    Luv.

  19. Burned 2x says:

    I have recently stumbled upon this site and I have learned though this post that I have my own AC. To sum it up, I met him 7 years ago. We spent the first 3 years of our relationship while he was a MM. Then the next year he spent in jail, his wife then served him divorce papers. He then came to me. Then the last 3 years were spent while he was “legally separated”… he would never get divorced.

    I was always there for him, grant it, I made some of the relationship difficult, but what woman wouldn’t in this situation. About 5 months ago, we finally went different ways. The relationship wasn’t going anywhere. He immediately met someone else and jumped into a relationshp with her. I was fine with that. But then, he sends me a text about 3 weeks ago asking to “date me unguarded”. Ididot me, I gave in. I asked him first if he was still seeing this other woman (remember – he isn’t divorced yet) and he said “yes, but I will end it”. He even sent a text to my older brother telling him he wanted to get back in my life. That was so out of character for him… it was… caring. Well, 3 weeks later (present day) and he is still seeing the other girl. I drove past his house twice, she was over. He is letting her do things for him over me. I have opened myself back up to him only to discover that he wasn’t as serious about me back in his life as he declared. Oh, and to make matters worse – I had to hear how angry he was at himself for texting my brother… he felt he didn’t need anyones permission to date me and how dumb was he…

    That was the AC I knew. And for a brief second, I was almost fooled. Once I heard the anger and his bitterness, I was slapped back to my AC’s ways. I know what I deserve, and I know this isn’t it. More then anything, I am upset at myself for letting him back in. I have cut contact with him and am not picking up the pieces again. I was 19 when I started my relationship with this man and I am now 26. I have spent the most vital years with him…

    This site is really teaching me that it wasn’t me – it was him. He was the EUM. I did everything I could, more then most women would do. He is going to have a miserable life ahead of me… but not me, I’m looking ahead. Not back.

  20. Brad K. says:

    Burned 2X,

    Keep reading the posts, and NML’s ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. There is even more hope here – you can learn how to notice and attract a healthy man for a real relationship, while at the same time learn to dump the bozos and perpetual daters before they get to first base.

    It isn’t easy, and involves improving your self esteem and setting appropriate boundaries.

    Luck!
    .-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Empowering girls, and self confidence =-.

  21. silvergirl says:

    Hi,

    I am still not sure if I had/have an ass clown. I had a non-ass clown long-term relationship years ago, but it broke up because of geography. I started dating my “is he an ass-clown” three months ago. The first month was fantastic — he was attentive and good to me. Then he had to go away for the summer and we kept in amazing touch via the phone and text. Admittedly the text was heavier than the phone. But I felt like we were continuing to get close and we talked about how happy/healthy we felt things were going.

    Things changed the instant he got home. He’s a famous person and very busy with his schedule and demands on his time. He’s also an introvert. He came home and rather than see me, he continued to behave as though he was still away — calling and texting me rather than SEEING me. It was getting so confusing for me. I asked him if he wanted “out” of “us” and he said “no, of course not.” He told me that his schedule is too busy right now and asked if we could leave things for a month. I really like him and I sort-of agreed. But then a few days went by and I felt awful he wasn’t making an effort, no matter how busy his schedule (he was still texting).

    He’s a really good man. He’s intelligent, charming, attentive when he has time…I’m on day four of no contact (I took him off my phone because I was so confused by his about-face) and I’m missing him terribly.

    Any thoughts or advice?

    Thanks.

  22. Trish says:

    I truly am ashamed of the junk I allowed to happen in my relationship. Anything that ever happened was because of something “I did” – like that is even possible. I call him the Spinner… I also can not believe he thought I was stupid enough to believe his crap.

  23. Brad K. says:

    Trish,

    The issue I see is respect. Defending yourself is important, it shows good self knowledge and acceptance of your responsibility for yourself and others.

    Avoiding responsibility is a fear reaction, and is profoundly disrespectful. My only question is – instead of focusing on the line he spun out showing you to blame, why didn’t you react, in anger, at the disrespect he showed when he failed to take responsibility for his actions, or when he did anything to make you feel bad? Usually the words are much less important than the actions. The bozo you describe acted disrespectfully and irresponsibly. So, why would a reasonable person allow a lump of character flaws like that to darken their doorway? I can’t think that anyone could confuse a bozo like yours with someone that would improve their shared life.

  24. Liberty Belle says:

    This post has captured a lot of my relationship with Mr. Unavailable. To recap, I met him, thought he was decent and then after about 2 months his behavior changed. He would stand me up, disappear & give me the silent treatment. He accused me of being obsessive and controlling when I tried to extract committment from him or try to ascertain the direction of the relationship.

    On a few occassions I would end the realtionship, then he would come back, I would be grateful to have him back and the cycle would start all over again. Once we were apart for three months and he never made any real effort to see me or make the relationship work. He would sporadically send me text messages claiming his love and saying how much he missed me – never any real effort. I saw him and all those feelings and emotions came flooding back. I thought that he must still care about me because he spoke to me and seemed to want me back. But I would be cautious. We had a ‘talk’ that as usual, led no where except in his bed when we had sex. There he whispered that he was ‘so sorry’ and that he ‘missed me.’

    And I accepted him back. He didn’t have to do anything more.

    Fast forward four months later and of course, the issues are still there as they haven’t been resolved. In frustration and to save my sanity, I called it quits (to myself) and began making myself unavailable, not taking calls and really trying to get over the $hit for a relationship when…

    I found out I was pregnant.

    What should have been a joyous occasion for me was sad as I KNEW that he would be a lousy father and I couldn’t bear the thought of him in my life forever. I thought about terminating the pregnancy but that decision was made for me when I miscarried. It took all this for me to realise the following:

    1. I was normalising his bad behaviour to the point that he would have to do something really MAJOR to get my attention.

    2. I lost myself along the way.

    3. I was an emotional wreck

    4. I had no boundaries

    5. That I was worth little to him. Worse, my behavior was screaming that I didn’t mind.

    5. Just like him, I would say one thing & do another (i.e say I’m done with the relationship but keep going back to him)

    Mr. Unavailable had a way of making me feel that it was all my fault that the relationship wasn’t progressing and I in turn would try harder. He never acknoweldged my feelings or tried to make the relationship work. And after an argument or if he had hurt my feelings, he would act as IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. And I started to doubt myself.

    However, there was no doubt that I was pregant. I didn’t imagine that!There was no doubt that when I lost the baby he NEVER comforted me. I had to learn the hard way about EUM’s and I hope that my story can help someone else. These types of men

    1. Do not have your best interest in heart
    2. Will not change
    3. Trying harder with these men in relationships won’t get you anywhere
    4. The bad behaviour can and does escalate
    5. Don’t expect any closure from them
    6. Talking about your feelings, how they hurt you, saying you love them blah blah blah means nothing. They DON”T CARE.

    I regret that I had to hurt myself like this to FINALLY get it through my head that he treated me badly and worse, how much I put up with.

  25. unabletosayNO:( says:

    Ok, So I clearly have an issue here..I seem to be incapable of saying “NO” I mean I say no but hardly ever directly. I always say things not so nice in a nice non-hurtful way. Well, this weekend I had an experience that really hurt me emotionally and amade me really disgusted and angry at myself. I wish not to give too many details, but I found myself on a date with a guy whom I have been talking to for about three weeks on the phone, this was our second time ever seeing eachother. I will just say the first night out of the two he came out to see mee(he lives an hour away) I realized that while he was “nice” he crossed boundaries I had told him I did nt want to cross, he greatly dissapointed me and I completely dissapointed myself..i felt disrespected, stupid, and…numb somehow. However, dispite all this I found myself re explaining the things I did not want and how the situation that made me uncomfortable could not happen again. Well either he played stupid or I was not very clear from the beggining, he did not apologize but rather almost acted as the victim that did not understand what I had said. But the worst thing of all is that despite my heart and guts telling me that I had absolutely no desire to go out with him on the second day, I still DID!! what the hell is wrong with me???!!! I spent a whole other day with him,which only confirmed my non desire to ever see him again. My point or concern is that I repeatedly find myslelf in situatons I highly dislike because of my inability to say NO..people including my stepdad keep telling me I need to be more of a “b…” well after today I really do want to be more like that which is I guess just more assertive… HELP! what the hell is wrong with me and can someone write about saying NO..thanx

  26. RSL says:

    Wow.

    This one just kicked me in the guts. It’s amazing how dead-on all of this was! Changed my perspective *seriously*. THANKS SO MUCH.

    ~RuDee

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!