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When we’re out of the relationship, we obsess about what we coulda, woulda, should’ve done. Even when he’s moved on, on another emotional planet, or a complete and utter assclown, we then spend time obsessing, again to stop ourselves from moving on but also because we are looking for reasons to blame ourselves for the relationship ending.
Why? Because if we can find a reason that we can attach to ourselves and say ‘Bingo! It’s me!’ then we can convince ourselves that we have the reason for why things haven’t worked out, and the solution that can ‘fix’ our problems.
The thing is…despite of all this talking and obsessing, nothing really comes of it.
In fact, many of us become the equivalent of a crime scene investigator with a room overflowing with evidence of why the relationship didn’t work and more interestingly, why he’s not the right person for us. Instead of processing our ‘findings’ though, we often acknowledge what each individual piece means and then instead of piecing all of the evidence together, drawing a conclusion and closing our case, we opt to continue obsessing and keep hunting for more evidence.
We don’t want to let go. We don’t want it to end. We don’t want to acknowledge.
The scary thing that that this can often reveal is that even though we have our own issues that need to be acknowledged and dealt with, a large part of the reason why we become trapped in obsessing is that we can’t find a concrete reason that we can latch onto and come up with a ‘fix’.
One woman I speak with has so much evidence and is doing exactly what I have just described and eventually she’s had to acknowledge that a huge part of her frustration and obsession is being caused by the fact that despite months of being in limbo and trying to hunt down clues and amassing a wealth of overriding evidence that shows not only that the relationship was doomed to fail and that he was an assclown, she still has not found a piece of evidence in all of this that she can leap on and claim as hers and fix.
Whatever her own issues are, everything that she has uncovered cannot disguise the fact that she was in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man with a penchant for lies and exaggeration, that’s behaved like an assclown, moved on whilst he was still in the relationship, and who got a kick out of taking chips out of her self-esteem.
He was this man in the relationship, before the relationship, and unless he has his own epiphany and changes his ways, is going to be this man in the future.
This is what it is like for every woman who gets involved with a Mr Unavailable or an assclown – you cannot make it your job to save them, or fix, heal, or help them.
You can’t place yourself in the centre of their disconnected universe and decide that you are the source of the problem (it’s something I’ve done that’s making him this way) or that you’re the solution (he just needs the love of a good woman like me and if I can just get him to see that that’s me…).
It’s not all about you – it’s often about them and you’re assuming the reins for things that are beyond your control and that you wouldn’t want to fix, heal, or help if you had healthier ideas about yourself, love, and relationships.
As I’ve said before, if you spend the great majority of your time and brain energy talking and thinking, you are a person of inaction. You’ll be able to recognise that you are when you look back on all of the discussions, explaining, defining the relationship talks, arguments, pleadings, thinking, thinking, and more thinking and realise that nothing has really changed. You’ve become someone who not only talks and thinks a good game, but is in danger of mirroring some of the very behaviour from the men in your relationships. We can’t lament their lack of inaction if we’re not prepared to unmask and let go of our own inaction.
We use talking and thinking too much to mask our true inaction because if we put ourselves in the position of actually doing something we would have to deal with confronting uncomfortable things about ourselves and/or be in the driving seat of our own lives rather than place the responsibility on someone else.
What we don’t realise is that even if we do place the responsibility for our happiness (or misery) on someone else, it doesn’t change the fact that we’re still responsible for us.
Quite frankly, you can think all you want to think about him but it’s not going to change anything and the scary thing is that one day you wake up and realise that life for you, has come to a standstill whilst you’ve wallowed in your pain, overthinking, and indecision, and he’s off living his life.
If you profess that you want to be personally happy and to be in a positive relationship with someone, you have to realise that you must process your relationship – that’s acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly, grieve it, let go and move on.
How much evidence are you sitting on? How about weighing it up, processing it, and drawing a conclusion so that you can give yourself closure? How about putting yourself in the position of having to either do something, or stop talking and thinking?
Your thoughts?
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i don’t even know if i’m posting this thought in the right place but everyone seems so helpful. i have an online friend who became my lover a couple of months ago. right after i returned from my visit to him he texted me everyday 100 times, called me every night, talked about our future together, etc. then sometimes he go MIA and says he was on maneuvers. he’s a military guy. we’ve only been together in person 1 weekend and that was a couple of months ago. now the communication is falling off on his side. so i pulled back on communication. soon as i did he’s texting like mad again. he will be spending a week of his leave with me. the other week with his parents. he’s bought the ticket. so i know he’s committed to the week. i haven’t caught him in any bad behavior to date – kinda hard 3000 miles away. yet i can’t shake this feeling that he’s playing me and sending similar texts of undying affection to other women. he asked me to be his girl but doesn’t change his status on any of his social media pages nor does he ever post on mine. not once. it’s like he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re lovers much less friends. since he’s been on leave at his parents i get texts only at certain times which makes me think of the post on this site about how to spot a player. i’ve given him ample opportunity to change his ticket and not come but he insists he wants to be with me. but he hasn’t booked the hotel (i live with my sister). he said he would pay for the whole week. i think he’s gonna come up with some excuse why he can’t book it so i’ll have to pay. he spews all this ‘i hope we fall in love’ stuff via text but i just can’t reconcile it with his actions. if he really felt so strongly, why would he not do anything to come see me before now? and why would he not already book a place to stay? and why is he giving me the neutral friend-style texts while he’s at home? am i being over paranoid? how can i stop doubting and enjoy the week we’re gonna have together or can i know for certain i’m being played and kick him to the curb?
Lorraine:
hmmmm… re-read your post. I think you already have the answer to your question. There is so much doubt in your post about this man…go with your gut feeling…you’re feeling it for a reason and dont get blindsided by “thinking” that its you, or that you’re paranoid or anything else. You said: “How can i stop doubting and enjoy the week we’re gonna spend together”? I think the question should be: Why do you want to spend a week with someone who makes you feel this doubtful when he is away? Its when he is away that would count most to reassure you that things are ok..or to atleast be consistent not for the one week out of many that he gets to play “fun” and be on his “best behaviour” with you until he goes back and then what?
I would not grant him “being his girlfriend” until he has proven to you that he deserves to have you as his girlfriend….place value on yourself and let him know that its not just a “title” for you… that it actually means he needs to back that up with being present in the relationship. At the very least, the week that he is here you should be having a detailed conversation of what your expectations are if he really plans and wants you to be his girlfriend and then give him some time (while he is away) to see if his actions match his words before you say yes to the girlfriend part. I would say go with your gut feeling however, us women tend to not listen to that enough when we really should! I think you already have your answer though. Good luck!
Lorraine,
The military is tough on relationships. Seriously. Some of the stereotypes about girls in every port, about focus on drinking and parties are true, and often cause their own self-fulfillment. The force of the chain of command, the existence in daily life of rigid adherence to plan, command, and procedure is quote foreign to the outsider.
Military people are given fewer clues than most about what is expected social behavior, and about what is appropriate outside of “work.”
I don’t know his work environment, his branch of service, or skill code. Is it likely he has periods when he won’t be permitted to communicate? Absolutely. One for-instance is moving a unit from here to there – sail a ship, launch a plane, march a squad – where just the notion that the unit is moving could enable enemies to plan an attack. I had a World War II poster, “Loose Lips Sink Ships” about the Battle for the Atlantic (trying to get merchant and military ships from the US/Canada to Europe without being sunk by a patrolling German submarine). That poster is still true today.
There are different emotional stresses in the military. If his unit isn’t assigned downtown San Diego, then he will be somewhat isolated part of much of the time. Getting letters, emails, having enduring contacts – these become status without the group. From one perspective, they give outside human contact and stability to the troop. Supporting our troops, sending the cookies and comic books and plain letters and emails do an enormous amount of good to those that receive them, and for those around them. Expressions of affection are often extremely precious.
What I am getting at, is your guy might be inept, rather than calculatedly manipulative. He may be unfamiliar with managing his leaves – something he plans, not the family, one or two times a year and at *no other time.* He may not have learned much about being a mate or dating since Junior High – some people feel a calling to the military, others struggle to fit in, and end up trying to “solemnly swear to do my duty, to defend the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” For many younger people in the military, their ability to function as responsible and respecful people in an intimate relationship is strictly haphazard, depending on the skills of their initial assigned leaders and random circumstances.
Military pay has always been on the short side. The pay scale seems to have been set by the impressed (drafted) British seaman – just enough pay between ports to get good and drunk when the ship pulls in. Today’s military may have trouble accumulating enough money to do much about leave, other than visit relatives, and not always the cost of transportation.
I see an opportunity for you, here, and a choice. If you are looking for an intimate companion – long distance, military, and differing levels of social skill each pose enormous obstacles. And he is texting too much – that is another red flag, that his emotional availability or stability might be questionable.
But he could likely use a friend, if you are interested. And your nation will benefit from providing an ear, a penpal (even if you use real ink, paper, and stamps! – most especially – that can be shared with others and packed along when electronic security is in effect). Anyone interested in supporting US troops can also contact the USO service organization.
About the leave. I expect he anticipates – and is worried that you haven’t – being invited to stay at your home during his visit. Such hospitality was more common during the Depression, and will likely get more common again if times get much tougher. Don’t think of his trip as “leave, and he is flying”, think of this as “This is what his pay for the last 8 months is buying him.” And he might well be borrowing part of the money – he might not get to see his family every year, many don’t.
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
I just wanted to respond to Miss Confused, I know she’s probably not reading this anymore but I just wanted to say: you’re not alone. I hope you’ve moved on at least a little bit since getting that CRACKHEAD out of your life. His behavior reminds me of my ex. Especially the blaming, silent treatment and the funniest one: asking for money at the end of the relationship for all the money he as ’spent’ while being together with me. Rent? Gas Money? Come on. It’s like asking money back for any gifts he ever bought you or if or when he took you to dinner. Completely innappropriate and it certainly doesn’t make any sense.
I was just having this discussion with one of my bestfriends who has just come out of a 4 year relationship.
In many of the previous relationship discussions that we had, she was talking about how much she missed her ex and that she would have totally taken him back.
Then last night we have this kind of breakthrough conversation, where we both realised that we had been spending too much focus on the past and not enough on the present.
How many times have we been in a relaitonship and thought, “Man I miss being Single” and how many times have we been single and thought “Man I really want a great relaitonship”.
The truth is … that we are always looking for something that we dont have!
This causes pain on our behalf and then sense that somehow we are incomplete.
This is simply not true. And if we learnt to really embrace the current situation and learn as much as possible in whatever martial status you are operating at.
We would be so much more happier!!
Hot Alpha Female
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OMG! I found this site because my latest relationship has ended and I wanted to know more about what I did to contribute to it, and how to avoid those things in the future. Instead I’m seeing that over the years, for the most part, MR. UNAVAILABLE has always been my type, not just this time. It hurts so much to know that I have wasted so much time on the wrong guys! I’m in my late 30’s now and I only wish I had figured it out sooner. Today I can finally know and see what the problem is. For that I am thankful. Ladies please help me out. How do you stop repeating the pattern?
OK, here is my hopeful two cents about getting over an EUM. I recently visited with a good friend of mine from years ago… I had literally been OBSESSED with her brother for nearly a year of my life (when we were “dating”), and it took me at least a year to get over the havoc he wreaked on my sense of self. He was the classic kid from a screwed-up family whom I wanted to save… we were friends for 6 months and during that time he slowly sucked me into a “relationship” — only to start the classic push-pull that I hear all of you ladies lamenting! It is so true!!! But I was so deeply in love by that point that nothing else mattered but the crumbs that he threw me. After my friend’s visit, I went back and re-read all of my journal entries about my time with him… and was shocked by how much he caused me to question myself, my worthiness, my choices in life, my everything. And all the while I was seeing none of it and assuming (like we all do) that it was ME. He really did a job on my self-esteem. But being almost 7 years out of that period of my life… it is amazing to realize how little I think of him. When at one point, he was the ONLY focus in my life. It is sad to say that I recently got out of a “relationship” with yet another EUM… all along the way with the new guy, though, I could hear my gut screaming “RED FLAG!” Honestly, I chose not to listen. He pushed my attraction buttons like few people have… and I just wanted that feeling again. BUT during the whole thing, part of me was acting as a 3rd party observer and trying to see it for what it was, even though I was choosing (unwisely) to continue. So in that respect, I feel that I have come a long way from the me who was so easily fooled before. I guess what I’m trying to say is just remember to enjoy the small victories along the way. If you sense your EUM doing something that sets off warning bells, congratulate yourself for making a mental note of it. Even if you aren’t able to cut and run right away… awareness is SO crucial to the (sometimes long and agonizing) process of weaning yourself off of these destructive relationships. I still to this day hope that my latest EUM miraculously changes and realizes what a great thing he had in me… and comes back with a ring in hand. But I’m not holding out for it anymore… which is a huge step forward. For as heartbroken as I still am, I try to just go with it on the days that the nostalgia wells up, listen to all the songs that remind me of him, let myself dream and hurt and obsess… all while realizing that at least this time I can see him for what he is. With the first guy years ago, I was CONVINCED that he was my soul-mate and that no one would ever understand me and be to me what he was. It is actually kind of scary looking back. But this time, I didn’t let myself fall in love… my head played a part in things… and whether or not THAT is healthy (the self-censorship of my emotions!), I am at least able to walk away this time. I don’t know… I realize this is a lot of rambling, but I just needed to say to all of you — if this is your first time with an EUM, I SO feel your pain. It is one of the most confusing and painful and frustrating experiences that we can have. Especially when, in most other areas of our lives, we are smart, capable, and generally confident women. I loved what NML said in her book about our tendency to “chase emotions” and desire the men who make us “feel” something. What the hell is up with that! But yet it happens so often. The ones who push our buttons are the only ones we want to pursue. And I suppose the only way out is through… and realizing that we are not alone on the journey — that many girls have traveled the same road, and that our situation is NOT unique. Our EUM is not any different from the rest of the AC’s out there who will never be capable of having a true relationship. Just like my first EUM-ex… I can see now that his screwed-up childhood prevented him from EVER being able to feel the things I needed him to feel. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT. And that is the toughest thing to digest. Maybe we just need to look in the mirror every day and repeat over and over again to ourselves “It is not your fault!” Just like that movie Good Will Hunting haha! Truly, though. It IS possible to get over an EUM and learn something from the relationship. Please just believe that. It’s almost impossible to trust this when you are in the middle of things… but truly NC is the greatest gift you can give yourself. And then, once you have taken an emotional step outside… perhaps you can contact him again one day. And be able to do so, knowing that he was a valuable lesson in your life, but that you are SO much better off now both because of him, and without him. I hope I can take my own advice in the case of my latest ex. But I am trying. And I hope you girls will, too! THERE IS HOPE!!! Just trust yourself.
Hello everyone. This is my first post. I’m quite afraid I’m in an unhealthy relationship with a man. We met through a mutual friend about two months ago. We started off emailing and texting. A lot. 20-30 a day, in the beginning. And although I’ve been “warned” by several girls (a few of his exes, too) that he’s got a lot of “issues” (depression & financial problems), and to “just be careful with him,” I find him extremely witty, smart, and interesting. While the emailing and texting has declined from 30 a day to maybe once a day or even skipping a day, our intimate relationship has gotten stronger. He’s very honest with me about his depression and his issues with his mother, etc… and I feel like we’ve established somewhat of a secure connection. In the beginning, he told me I should concentrate on this other guy I was dating instead of him because he didn’t think he was in a position to have a girlfriend and that he didn’t deserve me. He said he needs to get control of his depression, his finances, his health, and his career before he feels he can be of any worth to me. At that point, we were only seeing each other *maybe* once a week, but emailing/texting every day. I was really sad to hear that he didn’t think he could be in a relationship, and that if we were to have one, I would just end up hating him. So I continued to see him here and there, keeping my options open with other guys (and letting him know). Then he started making small gestures that indicated that he was still interested: calling (and making plans!) with me to go out, really cleaning up his apartment, noticing what I liked to eat and drink and having them at his place when I arrived, calling me to see how my day was, wanting me to spend the night, but with no sex, then waking up for work and kissing me on the forehead and telling me to go back to sleep, to stay at his place as long as I wanted, to make myself at home, then leaving, only to come back in 30 seconds to kiss me again before he left….. I could go on and on. We have plans to go to several concerts in the future, which to me sounds like he wants *some* kind of future with me. I’ve also gotten mad at him a few times for not replying to an email or something in a timely manner (regarding plans) and he is very conscious of staying on top of things now. As far as who initiates emails, texts, plans, etc… I would have to say that it was 70% me in the beginning, but now it’s at about 50/50. I wouldn’t say that I’m needy or pushy, I’m just a honest and don’t mind telling him what’s on my mind: so I’ll email, or suggest we go out, or just hang out at his place and watch movies (he rarely says no), or ask him what he’s up to that night or the next or if he feels like going to the dog park…. Sometimes I feel like I’m acting too needy, or that I’m forcing things to happen, but I just really, really love spending time with him (and I know my self-esteem is a little low, and I might be a little clingy — divorced an emotionally abusive man 10 months ago). We have slept together many times, and a few of the times he wasn’t able to “perform”. He gets really down on himself for this, but I just reassure him that I really don’t mind — that I just like being with him. Over this past weekend, he spent the night and was unable to perform again (a little too much to drink on both our parts) and took it hard. This week has been a little confusing and painful because he hasn’t contacted me nearly as much. I feel like he’s shutting me out of his life a little, pushing me away. But we have a concert to go to tomorrow night, and he’s emailed to make sure we’re still on. And I emailed him yesterday and we talked on the phone because we had a little issue with a condom over the weekend and I emailed to tell him and he called right away. I told him I was just a little worried about STD’s, since we hadn’t really discussed this topic yet, and he told me not to worry, last time he was checked, he was clean, but then volunteered to get tested again by tomorrow to ease my mind. Other than that, he’s emailed to say he was going to be really busy at work that day, but he just wanted to let me know, so I don’t wonder why he’s not emailing as much. But he’s been *really* busy at work and found time to email many times before, so I don’t know if this is a blow-off or not. I also invited him out for a drink to thank him about being so cool about the std thing, and he said he’s really couldn’t because he was too tired (which hasn’t really stopped him before). And I haven’t seen him since the weekend, which makes me sad, actually.
So, I don’t know if I’m just being obsessive and hyper-emotional, or if he’s trying to tell me to back off or what, but we’re going out tomorrow night and I don’t want him to see me upset just because we didn’t hang out or talk nearly as much as we did last week or the week before. I don’t want to come across as neurotic and clingy. But the fact is, I seriously like him (as do a lot of his ex’s — who have also said they’ve never seen him act so involved and interested and sincere as he has with me, that he seems to be “stepping up to the plate”), but I’m scared of scaring him off. I’m also scared that I might be misjudging the whole things, ignoring warning flags, and obsessing (which I am this week). I don’t know how to act or what to say, if anything, about how I feel when I see him tomorrow night. I’m just really confused and afraid that I might be falling in love with someone who is going to devastate me. Any help or guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time, everyone!
Hi Mercury, please visit the forum to get some personal advice as this comment thread will be closed and thanks for sharing.
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