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Gaynor asks: Why is it that emotionally unavailable men/assclowns are unable to let go of or return to the ex wives?
My former assclown has been divorced for over five years and is choosing not to move on from his previous life. They have two adult children (one still in college) and continue to do get together for family events (every other month) and all holidays events. This is the reason we broke up, he refuses to include me in these events and would not cut the ex out for the sake of the kids. I also found out that he continues to do her annual taxes.
He claims he had been hurt very much in the marriage and rejected repeatedly but continues not to move on with his life. The ex had asked for a reconciliation a year back but he refused. I don’t understand this?
He claimed to have loved me and told me that we were working towards a relationship but with typical assclown behavior he never came through. All words no action!!!!
Please explain why they just don’t return to the ex if they’re not over them?NML says: The reason why they can’t let go is because they can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you. They are commitment shy in every sense of the word, fickle, attention seeking, egotistical, overgrown babies.
Your guy does not want to make a decision and really, he might as well have stayed married.
As long as he does nothing and remains in limbo, he can convince himself that he is the injured hurt party, that she is a bitch or whatever he thinks of her, and that he wants you but the ‘timing’ just isn’t right or whatever.
Having conflicting words and actions is what Mr Unavailables and assclowns are all about. They don’t know how to be honest and they don’t want to clue you in because they’re very disconnected from themselves but also because they don’t know what they want. They want the best of both worlds where they avoid responsibility. He doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want her, but he does want attention from you both. Whatever he’s doing, he doesn’t want to see himself in a real light or be responsible to either of you.
This isn’t actually the main issue here though. If a man is separated but doesn’t get divorced, or is divorced but is still intrinsically tied to the previous relationship, he is not available for a new relationship because he is tied to the previous one, marriage or no marriage, which means that he is useless to you. He’s been like this for five years so he has shown you who he is which means you need to take action instead of expecting him to. You have all of the information you need.
He doesn’t want to move on so you need to move.
I should add that as women, we love burning up brain energy projecting what we think we would or should do if we were him in the situation. We work out logically that if he doesn’t want us, then he must want her, or that if he won’t move on after ending the relationship, he must want her.
How about he just doesn’t want to do anything?
If you were emotionally unavailable and had the opportunity to dodge commitment to anything, a wife asking you back who you could turn down and then you could have your ego massaged for the next year, safe in the knowledge that the ex wife wants your ass back, and a girlfriend who has been party to the farce for the past five years still hanging on in there massaging your ego and letting you think you’ve got a big ‘ole cake and you can eat it too, would you feel the impetus to be any different?
There is no point over-thinking it. We have an innate desire to attach an ‘acceptable’ reason for someone’s behaviour when actually, often it is what it is, and really, the least of your concerns is why he’s not doing something that has got nothing to do with you.
Once you realise that a guy is useless to you and the relationship – he’s useless. Thinking about the why’s and how’s of it doesn’t change these facts – it’s called buying time.
You are not his mother, his unpaid therapist, or his rescuer. You’re the woman he didn’t appreciate enough to get his sh*t together because his head is too far up his backside wallowing in misery that he actually wants to stay in because being different seems a damn sight more scary for him.
It is a shame that we don’t apply the same logic to ourselves because if we can be logical enough to work out what they should do, why can’t we work out and do what we should do? There goes that avoidance again…
Emotionally unavailable men don’t do anything because they have women around them that don’t do anything either. The only way to remedy these situations is to be a doer, not a woman prone to Women Who Talk (and Think) Too Much.
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Rachel, I am sending a big hug your way. You will be just fine, give it time and believe there is a good man out there for you!
Rachel, Thanks for the advice! You need to pat yourself on the back and know that being strong will make you into a better person. Sometimes we don’t realize the pain that is brought to us is only there because we allow ourselves to deal with it and sometimes we are in so strong we don’t know how to get out.
About waiting to heal before finding someone else is so true! I did something I shouldn’t have done 5 months ago. I bought a new home and shortly after moving in I met someone which lived down the road from me. He is a really good man and has dealt with the bullshit from me. We were not intimately involved but we did hang out alot and spend time together. He will walk away but always ends up coming back. This wasn’t fair to not only him but to myself as I haven’t let go of the asshole in my life. I did finally tell him that we can only be friends as I need to deal with the issues at hand and get myself together. He just doesn’t understand why I would wasted my time and energy on someone who doesn’t make me happy and i’m miserable all the time. The sad part about the whole situation is when I was with him he made me smile and laugh and that was something I didn’t get from the other in along time. BUT this situation was not helping and so unfair to him!!!
I think my issue is that after all this time and no commitment then it’s time to let go! He has hurt me in alot of ways and let me down so much I can’t even begin to pick the pieces up!
I am going to go and buy the books today and hopefully they will help me through this as they have you! This site has helped me realize there is light at the end of the tunnel!
T Baby,
We don’t want to be our EUM’s. Do you think this guy is going to be OK with just being friends? I’m thinking he is still going to try to work his way into your life romantically, I know it’s happened with me in the past with men I was only attached to in a platonic way. Be careful with him, he sounds like a nice, normal man.
Without realizing it we may be searching for an ego stroke just like our ex’s.
Tbaby and everyone,
Thanks so much for your support …this has been a hard time. But you know I have to say that in the last week I have been sleeping better and deeper than I have in years…….. and when I go to the gym I am working out at twice the intensity. A thought occured to me that these stressful relationships not only damage our spirit but they really take a toll on our physical being as well. I am all about taking care of me now.
And Tbaby, I too had a guy come around as soon as I dumped my EUM and I had to tell him that I was just not in the right frame of mind to start seeing anyone… it was the really smart thing I have done in a long while. There will always be men around. I just do not want to be a magnet to those who sense that I will be a Fallback girl. I am going to be very careful to go very slow from here on out and live by the recovering Fallback girl rules.
And by the way you have to download the book and buy it directly from NML – which I was glad to do….it was well worth it!
I needed to read this tonight. I have been seeing someone who has so many qualities that I admire, but cannot let go of his ex. He has started spending more time with her as the holidays approach and I told him that I am getting out of the way. I am tired of sharing the relationship. We spend 3 or 4 nights each week together, but then I find out that he speaks to her (probably daily) and he is the one calling her, going shopping together, even went to get haircuts together. I’m not sure what is going on, only that it makes me feel bad, so it cannot be a good thing.
Today has been a really hard day. I talked to my EUM last night and we decided that it was best to go our separate ways. I have been on him really hard about his ex as he makes it a part of his life to go over to her house 2 to 4 times per week and spend time with the kids there instead of stepping up and being a man. Of course he blames me for it and said that I have wasted to much time and energy on that instead of us. I’m the blame once again!! As I told him, if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me he would have switched it up along time ago knowing that it was an issue to me. Am I the blame for things going sour? Should he have been spending that much time over her house with her and the kids? Over the summer they went as a family to Cedar Point and he thought that was okay and I didn’t. It just seems like he puts himself first and never has cared about me or my feelings. Why am I hurting so bad? Why did I put myself in this situation when I should have pulled back along time ago?
Tbaby,
I remember second guessing myself everytime my EUM and got into a fight over his behaviour. We would have a fight then a day or so later I would wonder if I was being unreasonable … (after all he did tell me he loved me just before the argument) It really made me crazy and it contributed to the loss of my self esteem which kept me in the cruel relationship. I am convinced that part of the unavailable man’s personality is “Master Manipulator” to be able to work words around to create confusion in situations… to twist things so that some how it makes sense from his perspective. I felt like I was always to blame for his poor behaviour.
But Tbaby rest assured that his behaviour of going to the house 2 to 4 times a week is unacceptable! Most divorced dads pick the children up and take them out of the house and work to create a place of his/their own that the children will also be comfortable in. I too would devistated that he was spending so much time with another woman instead of eventually working on a life with his children that would include you. If he was doing that perhaps you could see a future but it does not sound like he has considered taking those types of steps…… and do not give him that idea… if he truly were thinking long term commitment with you he would have come up with that one all by himself.
I know why you are hurting so bad… for the same reasons I have been…. loss of a dream. Loss at not getting my man the way I wanted him. I had to let myself be sad for a while and I am coming out of it. I allow myself to feel sad when I need to and let the tears fall from my eyes at the death of a dream but it is getting easier and I do feel like I see things more clearly now. Men can move mountains for the women they truly love do not underestimate them. If they are not willing to move the obstacles then why do we wait around? There are so many others out there.
T Baby,
Rachel is absolutely right! We should only look back with regret if we do not change our poor relationship behavior. It is going to be painful but you need to move on, you know this man is unsuitable for you. You’ve got to concentrate on your kids and their welfare, not this fool!
Why does he not return to this woman b/c he is certainly acting like he is married to her? I can’t believe he went on holiday with her, that is over the top! I have to ask, why did you not leave at that time???
Gaynor,
Things had been so rough between us since the end of May and we just started talking again about a month before he went on vacation and now when I look back I felt like I couldn’t function without him. When in actuality I was setting myself up for failure and allowing him to hurt me. I never needed him in my life, I just was afraid to lose him, and why? I wish I could have answered that then. Everyone, including his friends, which are mine also told me to leave as I wasn’t getting out of it what I deserved.
Why he doesn’t go back to her, I can’t answer except that she left him and I think he may be afraid she will do it again. It seems like he bows down to her and is there for her at every beck and call. It’s really to bad because I don’t think he could be happy with her as things haven’t changed and they weren’t happy when they were married.
In the long run no matter how bad it hurts, I know he is the one that lost someone special and he will regret it one day!!!
Remember your words.
I’ll tell you something. I think that they also holding on to these ‘relationships’ with the ex’s as an excuse not to move on with their own lives, I don’t know maybe I’m wrong. My ex was the same way, when the ex-wife found out about our relationship, she threatened to quit her job. Well guess who thought it was his obligation to support her 100%. Not only is this situation ridiculous but he could not see how manipulative and controlling this woman was. I asked why he felt obligated to support her, and he said “she’s not happy with her job.” Tough sh&%! This man is choosing to be manipulated by this woman making him a compliant player in this silliness.
Even if you two were having issues, there is NO reason for him to be going on family trips with the ex! Don’t these people see how dysfunctional this is for the kids. I think they are so selfish that they don’t concern themselves with what is in the kids best interest.
Good Riddance!!
I don’t understand “getting out of it what I deserve?”
I took it as I deserved to have someone treat me right and respect me not always letting me down. He was always leaving me hurt and doing things that I should have never allowed myself to be caught up in.
It’s funny you talk about the kids! I was always telling him it wasn’t fair to his kids because if they weren’t going to be a family they are giving them false hope!!! He used to bring his kids over to my house but pulled them about 10 months ago and hadn’t brought them back over since. It broke my youngest daughter’s heart as she didn’t understand why she wasn’t able to play with his daughter anymore. His excuse was that I was always complaining about his ex and he was tired of it (that was the excuse he gave me recently) but I found out some time ago when he let it slip that she had said something to him about having the kids at my house. At that time I wasn’t doing that but he seems to always have an excuse for everything.. suprise…….
Gaynor/Tbaby, I am just throwing this out here because I am not totally sure – but I think the fact that the woman divorced him plays a big role – not just an excuse for not moving on with their lives.
I divorced my ex – he was dragging his feet to sign the paper – and he would still be hanging at my house today if I would let him. I did at the beginning (I didn’t know better at that time) and some friends still can’t understand why I cut contact with the ex (talking about me – not my kids of course). My ex is so self absorbed, a control freak, a manipulator. He was not the one that brought me to this website, it was the a**clown I dated after him.
I believe if the man initiates the divorce/break up, he is done, the wife/woman breaks it up/divorce than it is not fine with HIM.
Just talking about the f*cked up guys, not the normal man, a normal man – I like to believe – excepts the divorce and does everything he can for his children.
So, it always comes back to HIM, what HE wants and bla, bla, bla.
We all need to be smart and get rid of these “men” I hate to call them men, a real man will NOT treat you this way.
Just my 2 cents worth…
Astelle, He ‘claimed’ numerous times that he ended the marriage. He said he did the things he did b/c he felt guilty for leaving. The funny thing is is that she asked for a reconciliation but he refused to go back. Any thoughts???
Did your ex-husband love you? Or is it only due to the ego that they hold on?
T Baby,
I wonder if they stay up nights thinking up excuses. Lord, i’ve never seen anything like it.
Why did the ex divorce him? You know even though this man was divorced I always felt like the mistress, it was so strange. I’m sure you felt the same way, always being number 2,3,4,……… Does he recognize how much he does for her and not you.
M,
He hasn’t let go of the ex at all. You need to get out of this situation unless you’re willing to share him with another woman.
Haha… on a lighter note… this website has replaced all of the emails that I used to get all day long from my EUM. I find myself checking out of habit and instead of a disappointing nothing I get updates from this site which keeps me on the right track in my recovery. Thanks again to everyone!
Happy Recovery to us all!!!!!
Hello,
This sounds just like the relationship I just ended with my ex-boyfriend on Saturday! I am so grateful for this site. My ex-bf has 3 adult children and still goes to his ex-wife’s house for holidays/birthdays/etc using the kids as an excuse. They have been divorced for 10 years. He does not see a problem with his relationship with his ex. He is so off and on. After I left him, he sent me a sweet email, then a nasty one, then he said don’t talk to him, then he wrote me a letter, then he emailed me to ask if we could go to couples counseling!
I am meeting him Sunday just to have the “final” talk and I’m trying to work up the strength to be sure to say goodbye and not let him talk me back into staying. I guess I just felt the need to do the “official” break up in person. Although I’ve been telling him for months that I’m not comfortable with his relationship with his ex wife.
Good luck with the talk….. personally if I had to look into the eyes of my EUM I would be weak. Read the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl. It is not easy to read about ourselves but well worth it.
Be strong and do not let this on and off guy waste anymore of your life and time. Find a man who would not consider spending one important holiday without you. There is someone out there who has created a life where his kids come to him for the holidays/birthdays/etc. There is someone who wants his kids to know you and for both of you to celebrate the holidays with his children because he loves you so much, because you are a big part of his life.
Quit settling for crumbs. Quit settling for leftovers.
Tbaby,
How are you doing during the holidays? Still NC?
Hi Rachel,
I am actually doing awhole lot better than I ever thought I would be doing! I still have my moments and then I look back at all the hurt and pain he caused me, & keep looking forward. He tried to call me last night after we haven’t talked for 8+ days and I didn’t answer. I know that talking to him will only make me weak and right now I am feeling to strong to go back.
A few weeks ago I ran into a real gentlemen that I had met some time ago through friends and we have been hanging out quite a bit. He was hurt pretty bad by his ex and I think just being around each other is helping the both of us heal. I honestly didn’t think there were any decent me left out here! I have explained to him that we need to be friends at this point as I need time to heal the open wounds and we’ll see where things go from there. He has been around quite a bit and my kids totally adore him! The funny thing is, he has done more for me and my kids in the short period he has been around than my EUM did in the 1 1/2 we were dating.
By the way, how are you doing?
I am so glad to hear you are doing ok! It’s funny but the old saying of when you close one door another one opens is so true.
I am starting to do much better it has been 47 days now with NC. He texted me on Christmas which nearly made my heart stop but I did not respond. He then again texted me yesterday and again I did not respond. The second text was much easier to ignore. I guess this stuff just takes practice and then it gets easier.
I was asked out on a date for New Years and I went but my heart truly feels dead. I guess it is too soon for me to even try to move on. I think I am still in the depression stage for all I really want to do is be home and alone. My gut tells me that what I am doing is the right thing. Even though I miss him, I have no inclination to contact him whatsoever. I think the thought of his disapointig me one more time would really throw me into feeling so much worse. I now realize I have to ride this thing out.
I look forward to time healing the wound that the world cannot see. I am glad you have found a friend who is also in somewhat of a vulnerable state that can be of support to you. Stay strong for now you know relationships should not be painful.
Good for you Rachel!! Keep it up!!
Jen, how did the talk go?
This question rings true for my recent situation. I mastered it by setting my boundaries and sticking to them. Although from time to time I’ve to admit I think and wonder about the WHY’s. My EUM was and still is married, two adult children, but he always claimed he can’t leave them. Fishy. Of course, his marriage was beyond repair, but as a family they “worked out”- well, you know all the yadda yadda. When I made it very soon abundantly clear, that I was to end the story because he’s not available, he showered me with words of respect and understanding. He accepted my decision, but like a broken record he wrote me he wanted to keep the mail-contact with me (it was a long-distance-relationship to top it). I didn’t respond to that. When he realized I walked my talk he told me that he’d spent 4 days with another woman. I was completely dumbfounded, when I found out, that he met this woman at an anniversary celebration of our former school (we were former school mates) he’d attended without me, because I couldn’t make it due to my work and he’d spared me this piece of information. He told me then after my break-up, that this initial mail-contact with her had been harmless, but now, as I had ended our relationship, he’d fallen hard for the woman, because everything was soooo easy. For once he told me he’d been secretly in love with her during school times (this the reason for not telling me, he didn’t want to upset me – very thoughtful, thanks) and he was thrilled now, because she’s in the same situation (and she doesn’t complain): married, two adult children, a lot of affairs during her marriage like he himself. It happened that she was with another man at that time of the school celebration, ended the affair shortly after that and miraculously they, my EUM and she, came together in the twinkling of an eye. Maybe she’ll dump him as quick as that in the future
All that I was told in nicest of nice words, confidentially and with the repetition he wants to stay in contact with me, because we had had a “deep, wonderful and anything but shallow†relationship. His words.
This was the start of a very confusing roller-coaster time of emotions for me. Of course I felt hurt, that he could replace me in a jiffy. I kept to my boundaries, went to NC and keep it, but as I said, sometimes I still rake my brain. WHY could he commit that fast? Useless, I know! – He immediately told his wife about the OP, she was infuriated, now (!), but not about me, although they both wanted the divorce. He told his children, which he was afraid of all the time with me. To me all this sounds like a so called “rebound relationshipâ€, and there are still his words echoing in my mind, that they “both will live fora more or less short time with their old partners…†and then happily ever after…? Yeah, to be a fly on the wall
So, that’s of my chest – deep sigh – and pardon my mistakes, I’m German.
Oh Arlena,
You have been involved with the devil himself! How evil of him to enlighten you on his new found – fake- happiness! How evil of him to put this hideous story to words with the intent to hurt you and cause you pain. This man is full of shit that he is now happy for if he truly was he would not bother trying to entertain you with this horror story. UNDERSTAND this is just a STORY. I suggest you quit reading his emails and run from this horrible man. Could you imagine being married to a person who can be so mean? His poor wife would probably like to GIVE him to you if she had a choice. The next woman he hooks up with – for his marriage is doomed- will be cursed with this man. Mean people rarely become nice,caring, loving people. If you think he is doing this just because he is hurting from your break up then he is emotionally inmature. Grown ups do not handle disappointments by throwing knives. I pray you see a light of happiness for yourself and run in that direction. I am so happy he is no longer your problem. He is basically slapping you in the face, he has slapped his wife in the face and he will be slapping the next woman in the face when she does something he does not like as well. RUN BABY RUN!
Dear Rachel,
thank you so much for replying and commenting.
It was very hard to see through this. But I relied on my intuition, my gut feelings telling me that this doesn’t feel the way it should feel. I ensure you, I made a clean cut. I put it into warm but firm words. I think, he understood immediately, that’s why he intensified the contact with his allegedly secret school crush. And I didn’t fell to the trap wanting and winning him back even more with a third party on the scene. But it was hard.
Yes, Rachel, I do think he told me about his new flame in order to strike back for my clearness and my boundaries. We had had an intense mail-contact over the whole period and he knew my wounds and tender spots. It was a very great problem to me him being married, also he claimed constantly his marriage is over since five years and they only staying together because of the “children†(17 and 20)! I was afraid there might be always another reason for staying together. And I also told him, to tell his wife. I was not willing to be with him behind her back. I wanted to give them the chance of really contemplating if they are serious about their mutual divorce, you know, talking is one thing, doing it the other. I think that was fair and I restraint myself because I wanted a morally clear situation. Today I think, he never told her, or told her something just to hurt her. I.e he mentioned to her that he’s going to marry me after their divorce, which would have effected her financial situation.
Now, imagine, he offered me a marriage after his divorce. The nature of us women is we need a future, we think a man considering a future with us must be serious. I got into this trap wondering why on earth is he able to do all these confusing things. If every means to save his marriage had failed, so why not make a clean cut? Could be made in a civilised manner. No, he wanted both worlds as long as possible. Why was he able to INSTANTLY tell his wife about his new affair (perhaps only to SHOW me), well, you know, he mailed it to me, if he really told her, meanwhile I doubt it all. I will never know. BUT, do you think, a man willing to marry again having found a good match wouldn’t do anything possible to find a resolve and filing for divorce now? Instead of this one taking the next possible woman? No way.
What I like about this site is the clear wording, no space for deviating into taking colouring glasses to “understand†him. As I’m really interested in a healthy and mature relationship it’s not that easy to tell the difference. But how painful it was, I know, I did the mistake in the first place. I choose poorly, falling for “this one might be differentâ€. The good news is: I googled a lot, I found good materials, this helpful site and others, I learnt a lot and I feel awarded with all my better insights at this point. And it’s not me, HE is the loser.
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