Amy asks “I fell in love with a wonderful, a younger man (yea for me) and then, he was called to active duty. Sad, sad day that was. He was in the Reserves, here in the U.S. at the time.
So our relationship became long distance as he was in another state preparing to go to war. I’ve never known or been in relationship with a military guy, so this was all new. The thought of also knowing someone not only military but going to war was beyond my comprehension.
Nonetheless, it happened. He went to war and I stayed by his side. I endured much of his stress during this time, they actually have a name for it ‘vicarious trauma’ and found it to have effected me greatly about the time he was ready to come home. it’s tough to wait for someone for 15 months, and to hear of bombs, friends dying etc in his letters. hard times, for sure.
At this point, when he came home last December, he was not a well puppy, though he would like us to think different. Who would be, after being in battle? He came home – both of us anticipating seeing each other – but then completely let down by experience. I may as well have been a wet towel or his mother, the way he treated me.
I was so sad to wait 15 months for this. I was told later that this is ‘normal’ for soldiers, and because reintegrating is hard. We all should know this, but of course we knew and planned for this about as much as we did about invading Iraq. long story not as long… we broke up on New Years. I was devastated.
Now, we talk still on and off… for awhile there I thought maybe it would patch up. but I couldn’t find a balance between what was love and what was him needing someone there.. just knowing I’m there as I was throughout the war.
Nonetheless, he’s also showing signs of emotional unavailability, and has been for awhile now. I can’t take it. He can barely talk to me much anymore about anything deep. Can’t ask me how I’m doing on any great level other than a brief “how are you”… (And I was gravely ill, but who’s asking anymore? Who never asked in the first place? you guessed it).
I want to be there for him.. I know he feels a bond with me as many war vets do with those who helped them stay alive, and that I did, I know I did. $1,000 of care packages and plane tickets and prayers later, I KNOW I did, and he will tell you that too. He called me his angel. And that I was.
But my needs are not getting met and I hate how he treats me now. I don’t know what I am in his life and he in mine. And talking about it isn’t happening.
I want to cut it off but feel guilty because he’s a vet.. and I know he has a forever bond with me. I swore I was going to cut it off yesterday.. if he called I wouldn’t answer. Then the phone rang … and i couldn’t take it. I picked it up but he wasn’t here, he’d already hung up. I text him but he just said “sorry to bother you, good night”. what? This kind of communication happens every now and then, these days. His moods are very up and very down, now.
I’m so confused half the time… what am I to him? I can’t even suggest for him to get counseling… he would be off the phone in 2 seconds.
I’m not sure whether to cut him off or not.. but he does fit your EUM definitions to a tee. And I do still obsess over him at times, not all the time, but some days I will wonder what’s he doing, and if he’s thinking of me etc. Not sure if you’ve dealt with this situation, but would be curious to hear what you have to say. any help?
NML says: I think that you should cut him off because you’re enabling a dysfunctional, malfunctioning relationship. He is occupied elsewhere and to be quite frank, he wouldn’t want you to stay with him out of guilt or pity, something you have both of.
All of the signals this guy is sending say that you are invested, he is not. He is not emotionally available and he doesn’t want a relationship. His mind is preoccupied with his life, and in some respects, I can understand this. He needs to switch off to do what he has to do. This relationship doesn’t have strong enough foundations to survive what he is doing and it certainly had no basis for long distance. You say that you fell in love, not we and that’s quite telling. You fell in love, he didn’t and unfortunately you are the patient Fallback Girl who is co-dependent, waiting at home for him to return to a relationship that has sort of built up solely on your side.
Your needs aren’t getting met and you hate how he treats you. You’re trying to create not only a relationship out of not much, but he has shown you what he is prepared to give you and you’re asking for more from the man that doesn’t want to give. You are trying to fix, heal, buy, help…so many things with this guy. Only a woman who believes that a guy won’t appreciate what she is, will focus her efforts elsewhere.
Stop buying him things, stop trying to be his solution, and stop behaving like a vet wife or widow because right now, you are throwing everything but the kitchen sink at him and he is not responding.
He gives 5%, you give 150%. It’s a disproportionate response and you keep making excuses for him to keep being invested and you need to seriously slow your roll. This is the core behaviour of the co-dependent Over-Giver Fallback Girl.
And let’s be fair to this guy, he didn’t force you to do these things and I think that you have spent a bit too much time reading about being one half of a war couple that you’ve got carried away with your role.
If you don’t know what you are to him, it’s unlikely that you are anything much.
This may seem harsh but I think that you need to make the cut. This is like trying to heal the Walking Wounded, and you can’t fix him and if he doesn’t value you as it is, why do you think that you can help?
You have to let go, cut contact, which to be fair should be easy because there is not much going on. Let go of the idea of him, the vision, and focus on building your own sense of worth.
You’re either trying to avoid something or trying to avoid something…
Basically, you are pursuing a relationship that is doomed because you’re afraid of pursuing a relationship with a decent man that will work. Get to the why’s and get to the stage of putting yourself first, and then you can think about a relationship.
NML’s new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to download. It will be available in print very soon!
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Although my story with a soldier isn’t nearly as involved as Amy’s, I do know a little bit of what she’s feeling here. Yes, it sucks. Yes, he went through hell. But that only goes so far. From what she says he’s reveling in his trauma/pity rather than taking steps to get help for it.
Besides all of which, pity is no basis for a relationship…of any kind. You’re right NML. It’s time to cut contact and step away.
My input on this puts a different twist on this situation. If I were in this situation, I would have a discussion with this man and basically be very clear that I am going to cut contact and move on…BUT–it sounds like this man is reeling from his war experience and is pretty messed up in the head. As a woman, I cannot relate to this because I have never been a soldier and I have never gone through what they go through. But, I can only imagine that it is a total “mind f***” and it probably takes years for them to recuperate and feel “normal” again. Anyway, I would cut contact, but make it clear that there might still be hope for the future when things get better for him mentally and emotionally. I see this situation as different from the run of the mill EUM–I think anybody (male or female) would be messed up after going through what he went through, and anyone would probably be emotionally unavailable to everyone in their life until they get through the post-traumatic stress of being in a war environment. I would hate to see her drop him, and then find out down the road that he has “healed” from his experience and has found someone else and has the loving, fulfilled relationship that she thought he wasn’t capable of.
Amy, I agree with NML, this relationship is doomed, walk away now before you get so hooked and won’t let go.
Finallyoverit, we have been with Mr.Unavailable and it took us a long time to
understand and to get over it, right? You said, what if down the road she finds out that he has healed and found someone else. See the danger? I don’t want her to wait and hope he will get healed and have this great relationship with him, she will turn into the Fallback girl! What if…right now is what’s important. She has nothing to “work” with with this guy, makes all the effort for nothing.
Amy, It is a truism, almost a joke, about how tough military life is on relationships.
When you say ‘soldier’, you either refer to the new recruits still trying to get their uniforms on straight – or people invested in one of the most patriarchal cultures in America. With very few exceptions, military wives are as military as their husbands, at least with the marriages that last. There is no such thing as a soldier being off duty – the chain-of-command, suck up the difficulties, channel all emotions into purpose and aggression view of life has to work at home – or home will not last, nor be peaceful.
Like women 200 years ago and more, or before the invention of ‘romantic love’ during the Italian Renaissance, you have to make a choice. You can be a patriotic soldier’s wife, devoting yourself to his career, or you can choose a more emotionally rich way of life. You will not have both, and your conflict is freezing your guy in place, as well as prolonging your agony.
You aren’t married, or mated, or otherwise bound in a culturally recognized family unit. So you are still, even after this time, essentially ‘visiting’ each other. Your emotional needs, and his, are taking place in a casual setting, regardless of promises and dreams and investments of time and affection and items of conspicuous attention (i.e. love tokens).
And you haven’t learned to communicate with him; you aren’t hearing and meeting his needs. Unless you can learn to hear his heart, accurately, when he speaks, when he acts, when he looks at you, there is little point in going forward with him. He is as likely confused as you are, but lives in a military culture that frowns on finding answers to emotional problems. NML quotes percentages of effort. I heard my mother spout percentages in anger, vowing not to be used, not to go farther than half way, etc. etc. And I still think my mother missed the point.
The point is about joy. About fun. You recognize that your guy needs to heal, and may never again be the partner-prospect (or date) that you used to enjoy. You should enjoy letting him enjoy time spent with you. That is a terribly high goal, and a lot of work, a lot of understanding who he is and who you are, what goals are worth pursuing, and learning to speak so the other understands the words, the gestures, the feelings. If making him feel good (I am *not* talking about sex!) doesn’t give you pleasure – why are you *thinking* of dating him?
Do not date him because of how you feel. Date him if you are satisfied to share whatever life he shares with you.
And don’t use history as an excuse to avoid choosing what is right for you, now. The time you spent waiting probably made his tour more bearable, and not everyone understands how that kind of contact can save soldier’s lives. But that is no reason to see him tomorrow.
You spend time obsessing over him. Obsessing is not a word that occurs in healthy relationships. Are you dwelling on him or on you? Is this a habit (a bad one), or are you worried, or grieving? Whether or not he needs counseling, or will accompany you to counseling, you might consider seeing someone about your own happiness, confusion, and persistent fixation on a guy you broke up with seven months ago. And if you consider continuing with this guy, you may need someone to talk with about finding out which of your needs are real, which are optional. Because a military lifestyle and a military boyfriend/husband is a different culture, and you have to know what dreams to hang onto, and which to sacrifice.
You are staring at an honorable and honored road, old as warfare. Will you walk that road with the guy standing there in confusion, or choose a more ‘civilized’ path? Either choice, if you truly choose, might be right for you, and picking the wrong road will crush you. Choose wisely.
Be very sure of the guy, his character – honest, disciplined, honorable. And know that he may never have much more to share, emotionally.
Blessed be.
astelle, point taken….I do agree that she should end the relationship. I guess another key factor in this would be–what was he like before he went into the army and got messed up…? Maybe he is an EUM and always has been….
Finallyoverit, let’s say he wasn’t EUM before (I doubt it), that would encourage her to try harder and make excuses for him and WAITING for him to be healed.
No matter what, she will be the one suffering not him.
We have been there and done that, right?
I was who Amy was to a man who was a Marine in Desert Storm in the early 1990s. There is a big difference in what the men and women in the service experienced then and what they are experiencing now, but I know how it is on the other end. You write to them every day (there was no email or cell phones then). You watch the news WAY too much. You send care packages often. You are who they need you to be, and it’s not fake. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and when there may be no tomorrow things can deepen.
In my case, I became very depressed and didn’t take care of myself. (I’d never heard of vicarious trauma before Amy’s message but understand it now). I married the Marine within a month of his return and we were married for 14 years. He was emotionally unavailable prior to his deployment but became more available when he was out of his comfort zone and contemplating all of the “what ifs”. Looking back, he never was truly available to me. He could not communicate with me and would shut down. He harbored anger and blamed me for decisions he made on his own. He took no accountability for himself – everything was my fault. In the end, he cheated on me with the wife of a current Iraq War Army officer he met at work. It’s been 3 years since he and I split up. They are still doing their “on one day and off another” thing (there will always be trust issues and drama there), and I believe she is still married. Thankfully, we never had any children.
I read Amy’s story and although I can see where she pined for him and he was “available” while he was gone, now he isn’t emotionally available for whatever reason. My advice to Amy would be to tell him your needs aren’t being met and he’s not communicating with you. Tell him you expected more once he returned, and if he gave you reason to believe that, reiterate that but don’t expect him to retain what you say. It is what it is. You care about him, wish him the best, but start dating other people and let him know that you are doing so. Create a chasm of distance and detach from him. Don’t let his drama suck you in. As NML says the pattern is with these guys, expect him to blow hot until he thinks you’re under his thumb again and then expect him to blow cold. Expect him to be up your arse when you’re busy and having fun. Even after my ex cheated on me and we were supposedly trying to work things out, if I acted like I wanted it to work, he didn’t want anything to do with me. When I acted like I didn’t give a rat’s arse and would be better off if he were gone, he wanted to be with me and work things out. I finally threw him out when I found out that he was lying to me every day and was still in contact with this other woman and meeting up with her before work. He made up stories about me to get sympathy from her. I talked to her for an hour on the phone before I threw him out. I don’t believe everything she said, but there were things she said that she couldn’t know about unless he told her, and the story was skewed to make me look like a manipulative bitch. That was the biggest betrayal of all.
There is no reason Amy should not take care of herself first, and doing so doesn’t mean Amy doesn’t care. People in traumatic situations can become needy, dependent and vulnerable, but when they feel safe they can clam back up. It sounds to me like this is what’s happening here, and it will probably get worse. The last thing Amy needs to be is a booty call, and EU men will say what they need to say to get what they want just to be distant and non-caring the next day.
When I read what Amy said, I immediately thought of an e-mail I received a while back and saved because it’s so true. I have no idea who the author is:
“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real!
But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.”
In my opinion, Amy was in this man’s life for a reason. She helped him, but her job is done. His behavior towards her has in effect ended her job and she needs to take care of herself and move on.
Just my thoughts and experience speaking…
As they say, people come into your life for a reason.
You helped him, you loved him, and you stood by him.
Those are all great things.
It is a very difficult situation, and frankly it sounds to me like he should take advantage of the counsellors offered by the Army to help him deal with his problems and trauma.
You cannot be his therapist. He needs a professional.
No amount of love or care from you is going to help.
You have to decide if you want to stick around as a friend only, no expectations of any relationship, and see him through more of this.
It does sound to me like he is reaching out, but can’t wrap his head around how to do that.
Just be honest with him, tell him that you wish you could help, but that he needs help to get his life back on track and you just can’t do that for him.
Encourage him to get help, then step away.
For your own sake, and for his. As long as he has your sympathetic ear he will not reach out further. Don’t cut him off. I would normally say in a ‘normal’ circumstance to do that, but not here.
He needs to get help, and I think you should tell him that.
Tell him that you will do what you can, have done all you can, but you need to step back until he gets well.
I wouldn’t call him your typical EUM, because it sounds that everything was fine for quite a while before he left.
Trauma is trauma. Whether it’s a parent dying, illness, war, job loss…whatever it is, it needs to be dealt with professionally if the person cannot handle the emotional toll on their own. Men have a tendency to ‘wall up’ and that is why he is appearing to be uncaring towards you. You also did technically break up, so he is probably feeling vulnerable about sharing any deep feelings with you.
Seriously, lead him to professional help, by talking honestly with him, but don’t let this situation and him pull you down too.
There really is only so much you can do, and you have done it.
Take care!