woman leaning over a balcony textingRight now with it being the festive season – you know the one of goodwill and forgiveness – if you’ve cut contact with an ex or are still reeling from a break up, you’ll be tempted to make contact because at the moment that you do it, you’re convinced that you feel much better if you do so, that he’ll respond with pleasure at hearing from you and be a changed person, and that you’ll fast forward and make Christmas plans. Maybe you think he’ll be remorseful, eager to talk, keen to explain, keen to agree to do whatever it takes.

So you send a text… ‘Just wanted to say Happy Christmas. Hope you’re OK. Chat soon?’

You’ve probably spent days agonising over keying in a smattering of words. You’ll probably spend even more time agonising if you don’t hear back, or you do, but it’s not what you wanted to hear

Maybe you’ll call. It might be his voicemail which secretly you feel a little relieved by.

‘Hey…it’s me…just thought I’d check in. You know…we haven’t talked for a while. Hope you’re enjoying your Christmas/holidays…I…I…miss you…’ No doubt you’ll try to sound upbeat but that misery will probably break through your voice. You’ll probably spend the next hours or even days wondering about what you said, how you said it, what he thought when you called, and fantasising over what might happen.

Maybe you get through.

‘Oh..er…hey! Yeah…I’m good…well…you know…I’m OK…What? You’re going away/Got back with your ex/Hanging with the guys…oh…er…’

Maybe you’ll doll yourself up to the nines and turn up at the bar where you know that he’s likely to be and pretend to accidentally on purpose bump into him and there’ll either be a scene if he’s with someone else, you’ll leave upset, or you’ll get it together for old times sake and then find yourself back to square one in the morning.

Whatever happens, these are just some broad examples of how you might find yourself throwing caution to the wind and using Christmas as an excuse to make contact. Tempting as it may be, making contact is loaded with expectations that more often than not get disappointed. Maybe not this minute, maybe not this hour, maybe not even today…but soon.

Christmas only lasts for a few days or a few weeks if you take into account the festivities, but the repercussions from making contact are likely to last a lot longer.

This will impact on your sense of self and no doubt sour your memories of a time of year that is really for spending around people who actually give a damn about you and are not just out to get what they want whilst detracting from you.

If you make contact, it’s because you’re being reactive and getting caught up in the illusions of what you think will happen if you get in touch.

You might think it seems mean not to be speaking at Christmas - The reality is that it’s not mean not to be engaging with someone who doesn’t have your interests at heart.

You might think that because it’s Christmas, it’ll bring out a kinder side in him and he will suddenly see you and the relationship in a different light – I know we like to think Christmas is about miracles but I think you’re pushing your luck and expecting too much. Your perception of what Christmas means and does is different to what his perception is.

If someone didn’t act with due love, care, respect, and trust in the relationship, why do you expect them to suddenly act like this not only when they’re out of the relationship, but when it’s Christmas?

This is a tricky time of year and particularly if you’ve been focused on your guy and built a lot of things around him, you may feel like you can’t function without him or may even feel isolated from those around you as they won’t understand or you think they’ve lost patience with you, or you may have just distanced yourself inadvertently through your involvement.

The very source of your misery will seem like a beacon of light that appears to be your only source of joy because you’re validating yourself off him and deriving all of your happiness from him. I.e winning his attention and hopefully winning him over is the only way you see yourself happy.

But always when you think about going back, ask yourself if you can truly say that you have a reason to think that things would be different. Or are just hoping they’ll be different without any real basis?

Be careful of ‘reacting’ to your fears and the short term pain because it’s one thing chasing them up because you think you love them but have you considered the fact that they may not feel the same way (if it’s ended up at no contact it’s likely that they don’t)?

You deserve someone who wants to put both of his feet in that you don’t have to drag like a horse to water to force him to drink. Yes, it would be nice to be with someone, but right now it’s actually better to be with you and stand by your decision to step back and cut contact.

Remember that the fact that you are in pain shouldn’t be mistaken for correlating with the amount of love you feel for him.

The likelihood is that if you’re contemplating making contact with your ex, you’ve become nostalgic about the relationship, created illusions and become distanced from the reality of why you broke up/cut contact and what your relationship (or lack of it) was actually like.

You’ll end up convincing yourself that you’re OK with what’s on offer and then find yourself going through the horrors as you realise that not only are you not ok with it, but that you feel like you’ve gone back to square one.

Remember when I’ve spoken about relationship insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result? Going back to your ex is the same thing. You can’t just will it and want it to be different – there needs to be genuine reasons on both sides to go back – not just one of you trying to make a pigs ear into a silk purse.

If they don’t understand why it ended then they can’t understand what caused the problems or your pain which means that the potential still exists for you to end up in the same situation again.

If you’ve broken up with someone, particularly via the route of ‘no contact’ and you’re finding yourself tempted to make contact, it suggests that whilst you’re not ‘physically’ making contact, mentally you’re still very much embroiled in what you think you both had and you’re still focusing on him rather than on you.

We can only learn from experience – you can do what I call Suck It and See, and go ahead and make contact, if you’re prepared to be real and realise should things not meet your expectations that you now have all the evidence you need to focus on you and move on. That said, there’s also something to be said for already having plenty of evidence to indicate what is likely to happen.

You may feel you have history with an ex that gives you reason to keep going back, but this doesn’t mean you should repeat history and the quality of the history goes a long way. Use the history of the relationship to draw strength from the fact that you tried, you’ve made a decision and stand by you and be confident in your decision.

There will be pain ahead, particularly if you feel drawn like a moth to a flame, but with time and a refocus on you and the other people in your life, comes freedom. Better to give yourself the gift of freedom this Christmas rather than the gift of a pain in the bum…

Your thoughts?

My ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is my guide to understanding the dynamic between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them and is available to buy and download.

For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service. Don’t forget, you can now use the forum and social network to chat with other readers. Follow Baggage Reclaim on Twitter too.

FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites
First Name * Email *

37 Responses to Resisting the Temptation of Making Contact With An Ex at Christmas

  1. sharlena sharlena says:

    couldn’t be more true if you hit it on the head with a wet noodle. the holidays is one of the biggest times we get suckered into doing something we would not normally do under normal circumstances concerning people we have cut loose. such a vulnerable time. and for some reason exes seem to think if they regift themselves that we will think its something new when its not. ugh. sometimes i think santa is here to punish us lol.

  2. MaryC says:

    Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for this post. On my drive home I was wavering as to sending a Holiday Greeting via text next week. You made me think twice, I won’t screw up my NC its been too long in the making. Staying strong will be my Christmas present to myself.

  3. Half Happy Soul says:

    I loved when you said: “Remember when I’ve spoken about relationship insanity – doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result?”…Yes, I do remember Natalie, and I did try and hoped that I would “receive” different results…but kept ending up in the same rollarcoaster! But thanks to your posts and comments from girls, I start feeling better, and I dont feel lonely and miserable at coming Christmas!!! I dont have any intention contacting my EUM:-)

    NML, I wish you and your family and our girls to have a wonderful Christmas!!!

  4. Loving Annie says:

    NML,
    Your posts always make me stay real with myself.
    Fantasizing and hoping is a habit. You keep me clear on what’s fact versus what’s ‘insanity’ fiction !
    .-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..Jim Dine – Twin 6′ Hearts =-.

  5. NAAZ says:

    Thank you ! soooo much two dayz ago i was crying after my work, as i am done with my finals at school and have holiday season ahead i felt so so lonely without him, often i find myself thinking about what we had how things will be different only if i send him a text, ohhhhh and i sooo know the pain of sending a text and not recieving anything back mann it feel so goood now thank you! Iread your post for “if u have to wonder if your man is going to spend christmas” Every holiday i spend alone when i was with him for 1 and half year, everyday i was so lonely eventhough i was with some one,I am in NC for 6 months now it still hurt, This one was my first relationship but I am only 21 i think i will get over it :)

    Happy Holidayz !

  6. BettyBoo says:

    NML and all the other great women on this site I want to say thankyou for opening my eyes. I wish I had found this site years ago. It made me realise I have spent alot of years pining over idiots one after the other. Im 37 now and can look back and clearly see my pattern – this site is an eyeopener to say the least. I have been reading posts for the last six months – some have made me cringe at the things I have done and some of them have made me laugh out loud. Its like being a recovering alcoholic I have been addicted to pain basically hurting myself with the men I have chosen, punishing myself and blaming myself when a relationship broke down. Well no more – the only way is up now:)

    Happy Christmas to you all and have a wonderfull new year and I hope all your dreams come true (thats real ones not illusions:))

  7. no_more says:

    Thanks for this post Natalie! The holidays are always hard, especially when you’re still reeling from the pain of a breakup. It was exactly this same time last year, when I took my EUM back. He contacted me via internet after 1.5 yrs of being silent. Dumb me needed to hear he was sorry and started communication again, which lead to us getting back together. It lasted 3 months and then he up and disappeared. He sent me a few vague text messages and then cut me off completely. I forgave him for everything and I felt so stupid & hurt. I had all that time rebuilding my self esteem and I threw it away. In the midst of the holiday loneliness, he convinced me he was a changed man and said all the things I needed to hear.

    He broke my heart & I had to start all over again. If only I would’ve left him alone. I can still hear my gf telling me, “pls don’t reply to him—he’s just sad because his well has run dry”. Oh how I should’ve listened. Ladies don’t do it! stay NC. It will save you so much heartache and retain your dignity. Remember why you broke up in the 1st place. If this man really cared about you and valued you, he wouldn’t have mistreated you. Contacting him will only give him power over you once again and he’s hoping you will make that mistake. Stay strong!

  8. Sue says:

    Brilliant, I always sleep well knowing that I am not the only one who has a string or “tottally rubbish” men behind her, You keep me in line and its almost as if your reading my mind at times and know what im thinking or what situation i find myself in…. where were you 10 years ago!!! lol :-) Many thanks and keep them coming x

  9. suffering says:

    THANK YOU very much for this artikel Nathalie. I did’t wanted to sent anything to him because of Christmas but i’am very sad and mis him a lot. I did’t know what to do with this pain I feel inside .. pain caused by Unanswered love. Now I have read your article i feel much beter!! so thanks again also to all women who share they expirience here with us!!
    What’s most painnfull for me right now is that i already lost 3 years of my life with this guy hoping that he will choise for me and that he would say the sweet “magic” words to me like “I Love you” so, i did exactly what NML mention :doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result” Sometimes i just don’t understand myself anymore.. and rationally i know i schould stop hurting myself but I dont understand why do I still have such deep feelings for that guy altrought I know he is not good for me. I really hope for some miracle (My Christmas wish) that I can forget about him…something like we never had anything with each other and then just move on with some nice guy and start sweet happy familie. I’m already 36 year and I waste so much time on this kind of men.. it really makes me sad…all this years..

    good Christmas to all and remember you are never alone God is always there..somewhere with you.
    God bless you all!

  10. Michelle says:

    This is my first time to this site. I just read an email from my ex after having no contact for over a month. It was so hard not writing back that I began surfing the net about why I shouldn’t contact him. WOW! After reading just a few minutes I have a strong resolve. Thank you. I would have simply undone all the healing and progress in just a minute….and spent weeks analyzing every word. Again, thanks.

  11. Victoria says:

    Thank you so much, from the depths of my heart, from Vancouver Canada, this blogger is just what the doctor ordered and has helped me regain my sanity and clear thinking in some very foggy situations. Remember Jack the Ripper sneaked about in the fog. Well, it’s a new day, and the sun is shining! Cheers and God bless . . .

  12. im done says:

    Thank GOD you wrote this! I definitely have been contemplating sending my ex a “merry christmas” text. I was not sure what i should do. He did some pretty jerky things to me like criticize me and then after we broke up he notified me that he was with a new girl that he met in grad class (now also broken up) that i knew he had a thing for while we were together. niiice….but i still some how find myself missing him terribly. its such a waste of energy and its just not a good way to spend your days! why would i want to waste my time with that? This puts everything into perspective. Why should i torture myself for someone who does not have my best interests at heart?? i wont be “being nice” this time. its not worth the pain that will most likely result from breaking the nc rule for the sake of getting some measly crumbs.

  13. Frances says:

    I cannot thank you enough for your site and posts, they finally say what I needed to hear. I now have the resolve to make sure that not only do I continue nc during the festive season but for the rest of my life. I am 37 years old, have been the fallback girl for 9 going on ten years. Finally, I have found the strength and resolve to see this man as he really is and although have a long way to go building my self esteem, know that as long as I stay away from him he cannot hurt me anymore. Yes Im alone, but as they say the darkest hour comes before the dawn and I’m a good person deserving of someone better. I like what another person posted, “my xmas gift to myself is not having him around at xmas”. I loved this, last year I cried and couldn’t eat, this year I will eat, play games and laugh and truly value the people around me that are worthwhile. I refuse to give him one more inch of my soul! Merry Xmas to all of you, may we women stay strong and remember our value.

  14. de-lightedtobefree says:

    Funny, I’ve been getting some no-number calls on my home phone recently..no mesage or voice on the other end. Then calls with number on my mobile, I called the number back and asked who was calling me, just a muffled sound a few ah err’s, I angrily said, who is this.. ahh err, back, I said.. you have been dialling the wrong number and hung up. Then I recognized the number, a guy who hd been bouncing in and out of my life for five years. Two years ago he stood me up on Valentines day becuase get this ‘he’d met a new girl’ days before and wanted to impress her’!!! As you can imagine I went medieval on this guy’, telling him to never ever ever contact me again. And here we are two years later! Man the nerve!.So glad I didn’t recognize the number before I called. Also looking at my history, what a graveyard of dreadfully selfish, egocentric, pretty mama’s boys a..holes. Well one things for sure..they can stay in that damned graveyard and they get no tears from me this Christmas!!

    Roll on 2010!!

    peace in your hearts and minds :) xx

  15. jen says:

    Thanks @NML, that’s a great post!!! I am sure it saved many girls from doing it.

  16. Wised_Up says:

    Yeah, this is definitely the time of year when nostalgia is at its peak, so thank you for this incredibly timely and truthful post! I honestly don’t even know what I have to be nostalgic about considering that Christmas last year was horrible….You think you’re being nice by helping somebody pick out Christmas gifts for his family, sending him cookies via overnight mail and then they ignore you through the new year only to come back, obliviously (and clearly idiotically) asking you how your Christmas was and commenting that you seemed to be avoiding them during the holidays–and all this without a peep about the cookies. Did I miss something here–maybe the fact that your parents didn’t seem to teach you any manners?

    Yep, hardly the makings of nostalgic memories. And holiday or no holiday, I’m never going back to that place.

  17. MonaLisa says:

    You are a godsend. This was a bad day. A lonely quiet Sunday and I am/was wanting to hear his voice. I wanted to say how I still love him…..Thank you for your wise words. The feelings did pass and Sunday is almost over. I’ll have dinner and make it to bed. Thankfully I think I’ll not text him today. My self esteem in tact.

  18. divalolo says:

    Thank you NML for this well-timed posting! Was just mulling over the possibility of contacting an ex-EUM, yes, in the ‘spirit of Christmas’. Was really on the fence, and thank goodness, your post has pulled me back into the side of sanity.

    I don’t have to contact him for now. Even if I have to take it one day at a time, I do not have to make contact. I will keep the focus on myself, my family and friends, and other loved-ones this Christmas.

    Thanks and a very happy holiday to all.
    x

  19. Clare says:

    So true! Thanks so much for that, like the many others above I was considering dropping an email to an ex.

    A good friend of mine pointed out to me that we often want to get in touch with exes at this time of year because it’s winter, we’re cold and would quite like to snuggle up with someone!

    Be strong ladies. Get a hot water bottle.

  20. ph2072 says:

    Nail —> Head. ;-)

  21. Trinity says:

    Thank you for offering up support through this often
    hard time of year, especially after being dumped and
    especially when doing the NCR for sbout 6 weeks.
    As mentioned in another post I left, I work with my X
    so this has been incredibly difficult for me. We have
    been apart for about 3 months, he threw me the let’s
    be friends routine, which I did. In our relationship this guy
    blew hot and cold but on a massive or manic scale.
    One week I was amazing, he could not wait to move out with
    me the next (usually because I dared to talk to him about
    something that didn’t make me happy) the next he was unsure
    about me and our future. Real highs followed by real lows and confusion for me. It was almost manic, very inconsistant and damaging for me. He gave me all sorts of inconsistant reasons as to why it was over and I actually started blaming myself. In my gut though I always new the main issue was him blowing hot and cold, putting our relationship on the line if small issues came up. So being his friend all while trying to mend my broken heart was horrible. He proceeded to run hot and cold, act egotistical and even treat me rudely. I had to tip toe around all these invisible boundarys that only he new about. Like setting me up to fail. One minute my best friend the next I wouldn’t hear from him fir a week plus to add to it all… Constantly giving me mixed messages. Finally I hut my limit and stopped talking to him, 6 weeks ago and in that time he has acted out. One week the nice email when I don’t respond the next week it’s the cold email, trying to poke around in my business, trying to talk to me, showing acts of anger in the common area, kitchen, by slamming plates and cuboards. So the thing is, what is really clear, this guy us still running hot and cold, inconsistant and manic, he did it as a partner, then as friends and now even with no contact. Plus I was so very lucky to stumble across this site:) which helped me make some sense of this passive agressive man I aloud in my life. A man who set up HUGE expectations then one by one took each one back. Everyone, your not alone, enjoy the holiday knowing that your taking back control and anything, even being lonely is nit worth giving it back to him. Xxxx

  22. kristen says:

    My guy called it off at the 3 month mark when things were getting good. He was falling in love. what is wrong with that? Well, he does not want to fall in love!! never mind that he had told me that he DID want to fall in love and have a relationship. We had talked about that and agreed to go slow and get to know each other since we both wanted something serious. We never had sex because we were taking it slow. We saw each other very regularly. The dates and the flirting was great. i did get mixed signals. maybe I should have known. Well, he left me 2 months ago but kept sending me emails saying how much he adored me and i was the best thing to ever happen to him… “but”… he does not want to fall in love. i emailed back telling him to stop and if i am not what he wants, then let go, and let me go find what i want. he would email back saying i am exactly what he wants… oh the song and dance and i allowed the contact! one month after he left, he asked me to dinner and I saw him in person to try to get a solid explanation of what he wanted. And yes, i guess i was seeking validation or sparks or something. he was still saying two conflicting things at once. I ended up hurt all over again. now it is another month later, he was STILL emailing and trying to contact me and STILL saying how I was the best thing to ever happen to him and everyone knew he was falling in love with me. SO it’s the holidays– he sent me an email offering to take me to Hawaii with him for Christmas vacation. He goes every year. I ignored it thinking he was dangling another carrot in front of my face. He called me and said he was serious. can you believe I considered going! i considered saying yes!!! and then he had to go and ask me if i really haven’t seen anyone else all this time. and he told me he had seen 2 women in July and August. That was when we were first dating. great. so then another bad discussion about how he does not want what I want and he was not honest with me and what does he want now, why keep flirting, why keep trying to see me? no straight answers. what an emotional nightmare. so off he will go to Hawaii, and when I should be happy that i am no longer wasting time with a guy who isn’t for me, I am for some stupid reason thinking about all that could have been! lol! Reading these posts has made me realize that no contact is the way to go. and if my pms makes me miss him, I can NOT forget that he has no idea what he wants. and if a christmas dream vacation is dangled in front of me, i have to remember it would not be the romantic vacation I would dream it o be. I wish he would just go away on his own. he is the one who left, yet he can’t stop contacting me. I have to make him. And just get through the holidays!

  23. Strawberry34 says:

    Hi girls, I’ve just read through the above and I definitely need some much need help/advice re my ex AC/Arsewipe.

    We have maintained a ‘friendship’ for the past 2 years after splitting up amicably. This ‘friendship’ has worked its way into calls every day, meeting up once/twice a week for dinner/drinks, being each other’s confidante, sometimes falling into bed…so basically when I just read that back to myself its a relationship without any strings (I’m not proud of this ‘creation’ I’ve allowed, believe me). I’ve managed this ‘friendship’ and it has worked to my own advantage as well as his so in many ways I feel less obliged to be complaining ladies. However I think time has finally caught up with me and has bitten me wholeheartedly in the bum cheeks!

    This weekend I’m certain I’ve seen the true colours of the ar*ewipe he can be and what I’ve been ignoring/waving away and now I don’t know what to do. We spoke yesterday and he proceeded to tell me all about his Sat night – the women was the main conversation (one comment of many that sticks is ‘nice, huge boobies’, I mean ‘attractive’ that any man refers to them as that, lol). I admit I did kind of react to it and I know I shouldn’t of done. If the boot was on the other foot, he’d have not been very happy with me though I’ve never spoken to him about things involving myself and men anyway. (I had a relationship with a man earlier in the year of which he was aware of but I was so certain to not discuss it with him particularly).

    The reason we split up was because I want a child (eventually) and he already has children. We talked seriously about our future -initally he wanted everything – marriage, house, more children, I was the best thing to happen to him yada yada. He eventually admitted that he wasn’t sure he wanted any more children and he felt he had to tell me because he knew that eventually I did. I would always consider and compromise on lots of things but this one thing I wasn’t prepared to. Even if I never have children it would be through choice and not someone telling me it wouldn’t happen. We decided to part. We didn’t fall out of love with each other, no one else was involved, but that just seemed to make moving on that much harder.

    That was two years ago and he’s never allowed me time to actually ‘get over him’. I initiated NC, he caved and I guess so did I by responding to him. I guess now I’m still at square one, going sideways and not forward. He has now decided that he would quite like to settle down/marry and perhaps have another child. Honestly talk about slap you in the face with a wet fish!

    I cried yesterday which hasn’t happened in a long time. I know this whole situation is at my own creation. I pride myself on always being there for others, listening, being kind and unselfish, ensuring I’m a bloody good friend, I’d do anything for anyone – I feel that has been violated. I really don’t want to sound like a ‘victim’, definitely not my intention for writing – I’ve lots in my life which is good and positive. i just think I’ve lost my way a bit..

    Any advice/ideas for sorting my life out once and for all would be greatly received xx

  24. Strawberry34 says:

    Oh my! You must be reading my thoughts! I posted earlier on this for some advice from you girls (my first attempt at asking for some help!) but for some reason or another it hasn’t come up. Any ideas on where I may have posted it?? I am a blonde…

  25. Susie says:

    I wish i had read this BEFORE i decided to meet my EUM on Saturday! My expectations of him have been played down so much that because I felt nostalgic and he threw me a crumb of attention I lapped it up like a dog – after 3 months of no contact! Very Dumb!!
    I am regretting it this morning ladies – but not so much that it has caused me pain. I realise he is the still the cheat he was BEFORE and will be AFTER Christmas is over. He will never ever change and for that I am thankful he isnt my problem! Went to bed last night and vowed I would go back to NC. I am doing it with no trouble at all – I don’t feel back to square one, but i do feel like a right idiot for falling into that trap (once again!) for another misery fix. I am really excited about Christmas and have no intention of letting ANY man take centre stage again. I have learnt the hard way. Don’t go there ladies – it will bring a whole host of issues, and quite frankly, it’s just not worth the hassle! They do not care enough about us to give us the time of day NOW, so what makes you think they will change in the next week, month, year..they don’t. Harsh but true. But glad I am no longer a victim to his pathetic whims! Happy Christmas!! Xxx

  26. Gayle says:

    Kristin,
    You need to block e-mail and phone contact, this will stop the pain and allow you to move on.

    This guy offers nothing, plus he was fooling around when you were together. Bad news!

  27. de-lightedtobefree says:

    I just caught myself laughing and smiling at the thought that in fact, I have the power! He is dying for me to contact him, to make it all ok, to be his friend (not that he has a conscience) but still, knowwing I have the power… the ball is my court, call him and make his day… don’t call him, makes my day and rest of my life!

    Give him the power to demean and devalue you and your needs in favour of him getting what he wants..uummm NO!!

    MY love, your love… is for the person that shows me/us they deserve it, anything less is less than I or you deserve.

    Merry Christmas!

  28. Used says:

    Kristen–
    As I read your message, I kept thinking, “he is probably wondering whether she is seeing someone else, or has dated anyone”–especially after you mentioned that HE contacted YOU one month after HE ended things.

    Sure enough, that was on his mind, as proven with his question to you. So you know what he is thinking, at least on thath level.

    He is a TOTAL a**hole. If he only just called you recently about the Hawaii trip: first, I hate to break it to you, but his original plans probably fell through, and that is why he is calling you, now, to go to Hawaii; and, second, he is probaby thinking of using the trip itself to get you into bed.

    Be thankful for his telling you, his great love, that he saw TWO women when you had first started seeing each other. Though you weren’t necessarily exclusive, he didn’t HAVE to tell you. He just (conveniently) wants to get it off his chest. But that also acts as a warning to you–of not to get involved!

    I think you shoudl have told him that you were, “of course, darling!” seeing other people, especially as you saw that he left you and things were basically “ended” between you.

    This guys sounds tooooo mixed up. And, guess what, the other two women didn’t want to put up with it, either! That is why hopefully he will be all alone on Christmas!

    Oh, I forgot: poor poooooooor little him doesn’t want to be elone for Christmas! He is thinking to himself, “Why be alone? Kirsten told me she is not seeing anyone. She is probably free. And here I am, witha ll this vacation time I haven’t used up.” (–yes, and maybe even an unused ticket for another woman who just backed off from the trip!)

    He is a jerk also for talking about how he wants to fall in love in the first place. Falling in love is an organic thing: you shoudn’t talk about it or try to make it happen. Sounds like his trying to fall lin love is part of how he justifies his poor behavior to others. Though he may think that he will get attached to someone eventually–and, yes, this may make what he says somewhat sincere–he shoudn’t be dangling THAT carrot and making statements like that when seeing three women at a time!

    TOTAL jerk. And retard. STAY AWAY! But, before completely cutting contact, tell him you are seeing someone right now, and that your accepting any calls/contact/etc. from the EUM woudn’t be fair to your current guy.

    If the calls and contact come streaming in, block them. THAT is what this jerk deserves!

  29. Used says:

    (Sorry for all the spelling errors. Just have to get the points across, and as quickly as possible. Gotta go.)

  30. katy says:

    YOU GO delightedtobefree!!! YOU GO GIRL!! That’s how I feel myself and it is true WE HAVE THE POWER now =)

  31. Trinity says:

    Hi NML, even though I’m going fairly well with the NCR, do you think you will write something for NYE? How to put it into perspective, tips or a new way of looking at that evening. It can be painful, especially when alone. I feel a bit exhausted by things, I think because I work with my X I’m constantly on high alert or even feel a bit like I’m on a stage? Now even though I have some time off, away from him I’m having to push through Xmas, push through NYE and push through the thought of even going back to work :( I have to nit be do hard on myself, I guess it’s only been 4 months, I’m already at the angry/accepting stage of the break up cycle :)
    shoping was hard yesterday, Christmas music, familys, sad songs and remembering one of the nicest Christmas I’d had last year. Knowing his family will be having Xmas dinner, all the same only without me there.
    take care

  32. So Over an EX! says:

    So I have an EX that ALWAYS contacts me around Christmas. This individual has caused me so much heartache for years (Over 17!). For a long time I was very in love with him, but one day I just had it and gave up on the guy. I would always respond to his emails, but this year….NOTHING! I refuse to write back and respond. It is clear that this person does not want a serious future with me and I feel that he only contacts me when he is feeling lonely. I think it is time that he gets a dog.

  33. Kitty Smith says:

    Read Codependent No More, Melody Beattie. Did you feel trapped into being who he wanted you to be, emboiled in his negative emotions, and was he selfish? Move on ladies and chose healthier men! Me and my kids ran into my soon to be ex (it’s been a year now) Costco shopping with his girlfriend and her daughter. Funny – he looked miserable as he hates shopping! Food is the last thing they needed in their cart – it was overflowing. They both need to diet as they were huge and I couldn’t resist snickering. My ex’s stomach looked 6 months pregnant. I couldn’t resist approaching him to ask him if he was going to send my mail, addressed to me, to me. He played stupid and said what mail. I said Bank of America (which was a Fedex w/confirmed delivery). He said yes, and I said Uh ha, and walked away with my head up! You see, he doesn’t have me down anymore. He always said I was insecure but I am not the one in a new rebound relationship. We are still legally married and until we are divorced, I am chosing to find myself again, enjoy life without his emotional baggage. I stood beside that crazy man (I was his third marriage) through him mistreating my son and not bonding with my kids (his family didn’t want to bond with us either), diabetes with him and his spoiled son, his crazed 1st ex wife that he always put first, his insecurity of his bratty son turning his back on him, watching him be a buddy to his son and not getting it that he needed to be a father, his awful controling family, his son’s bone cancer treatments – ladies, I was the one insane. I put him first for 7 years and forgot who I really was. I celebrated Christmas with my reclaimed life and it was WONDERFUL!!! Dont contact him – it’s not worth it. If you are healthy and run into him, without intentionally running into him, hold your head up and let him know – he doesn’t have you like that anymore!

  34. Gym Angel says:

    Ladies………… I have been where you all are. I slipped and saw my EUM on Christmas Day and spent two nights with him. My parting shot was to see the latest George Clooney film……Up in the Air. He wanted to see his favorite EUM in action. I think it back fired. He woke up early this AM talking about the movie. I got really pissed off and left in a hurry. I sent him a text and told him he was a Fxxxg Scumbag Narcissist. (He has never heard such language from me!)

    I remember a man in business telling me that if you want to drive another person crazy……you ignore them. No Contact is really the only way to deal with these emotional terrorists. It is sad commentary on the course of loving the wrong person. Just look at the life of Princess Diana.

    For the sake of your family, children, firiends, and women in general….fly free of the EUM….he is a war zone!

  35. de-lightedtobefree says:

    What did I get for Christmas from the ex EUM!.. a text (in his language, foreign) wishing ALL a Merry Christmas and good New year. I’m just another person on his list. Even if he was fishing to see if I would respond, it didn’t work. The coward. Funny thing is, I only glanced it, it didn’t have any effect on me at all, which I guess means the only person Im thinking about now is me. Did I respond. ..Ahh.. NO!! NC rules!! :)

    xxx De

  36. movingon says:

    Oh I wish I had read this before new years eve. Saw my ex eum out with his new girlfriend for the first time since we broke up and got pretty drunk at a party, woke up the next day with 3 text delivery reports to his number. I have a vague memory of telling him i loved him in one of them and we never told eachother that while we were dating.
    I feel like such an idiot, I’d been moving on fine, dating other guys and now he’s gonna think I’m still crazy about him and he’s prob telling his new girlfriend what a lunatic his ex is. Urgh help!
    I guess the only positive I can take from it is hopefully it will teach me a lesson for the future.

  37. annabanana says:

    Gym Angel – “emotional terrorists” – love it!! Describes my ex to a tee. I’ve been NC for about 5 months now, and yes I’ve had my moments when I think “what if I contact him what would he say?” but all I do is take a breath and think how I’d feel after I’d done it, and I know I’d feel pretty shitty! If I ever had a ‘wobble’ – I’d come straight back to this site to remind myself why he’s an ex and why he’s not worth another second of my time. I found out he got engaged two weeks before xmas (he’d been seeing me about the same amount of time when he proposed to me!) Because of this site, and my wonderful support network of friends I was strong enough not to get all bent out of shape about it. I have a new man now who treats me exactly the way I should be treated – with respect. Thanks NML for the ongoing support! Big cosmic love xx

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!