do not hump sign

Leila asks “I read your site often enough to know that you have some pretty strong views on men that take more than they put out which is why I’m writing to you.

I’ve been with my guy for a couple of years. In the beginning, man he could not get enough of me. He chased and chased me and the sex was off the chains for the first few months.

And then he kinda went a bit cold on me…or should I say ‘limp’ and since about five or six months into the relationship, I am lucky if we have sex more than once a month and when we do, there is a lack of effort or feeling from him. I don’t know where the man I met has gone to but he’s not with me when we have sex because it’s pretty bad. Initially I thought maybe I had done something wrong or he’d gotten too used to me so I pulled out the stops with the lingerie, massage oil, and I even stepped out of my zone and put on some porn. Zip. He hardly touches me and he NEVER reciprocates oral sex! If I try to talk to him about it he just clamps up or tells me to ‘leave things be’.

Thing is, I do love him but I don’t know how much longer I can do this for and I don’t know if he’ll ever be the man I met again. He won’t go for counselling, he won’t discuss it, he won’t do anything. I’m sure he’s avoiding me because we don’t go out as much anymore (we don’t live together) and I’ve even wondered if he’s cheating???? He doesn’t even say he loves me anymore!

I don’t know if it’s me or if he’s just not that into sex. What do I do?

This is one of those situations that makes me feel veeeery awkward! There’s so much stuff going on here, I’m going limp! But in all seriousness…

Women attach a lot of importance to the idea that men attach a lot of importance to sex. Hence when they don’t put out or hound you for sex, we tend to feel a tad confused and wonder what is wrong with us. But…and it kills me to say it….not every guy wants to shag your brains out all the time. And it’s not always about you.

Sex can be an indicator of what is going on in the relationship but it’s what other things accompany the lack of action or how he treats you in the bedroom that make the difference. If the relationship is great in all other areas, then you can normally find a way to handle the situation. If it’s not so great in other areas…you have some other potentially bigger fish to fry…

I think that there is more to this than low libido.

For the majority of the relationship, you have been sexually frustrated. You have spent the bulk of the time in ambiguity land over what the hell is going on with the sexy-time (said in best Borat voice).

I would never tell someone to break up with someone for not getting oral sex….however…that is a big hell no! Why keep pulling out all the stops showering him with BJ’s, lingerie, and God only knows what else when he’s not responding??? Hell, if I gave 20 BJ’s and got nothing back, you can be damn sure that’d be the last one he got!

He doesn’t touch you???? As I said to a reader in one of my consultations recently, go down to your local copying place and have a cardboard cut out of you made up so that you can send it in and save yourself the trouble of being handled in such a demeaning way in the bedroom.

Bad sex, nothing reciprocated, AND he doesn’t want to touch you? It makes me wonder what is so enchanting about this guy who also doesn’t seem to want to spend time around you.

It’s not that the guy isn’t capable of being a good lay – he used to be; either that or OK sex had gone up in your estimations because you get so little of it…

Nevermind the sex, if you guys can’t communicate or find a way to communicate, your relationship will flounder even more than his penis… It is difficult for me to say exactly what this guy is up to but it does sound like a man who is not in the relationship with both feet. In fact, he’s barely in his side of the bed!

I can’t say if he’s cheating…but it wouldn’t surprise me. Some men find it quite easy to lead double lives and some men find it quite easy to string along a woman for a long period of time, throwing her bone occasionally, but contributing very little. The latter is unlikely to view the ‘relationship’ in the same light and may even rationalise his behaviour by saying that the reason why he behaves as he does is because he hopes that she will get sick of him and finish it.

Whichever relationship you are in, I strongly advise that you get out. If by some sheer chance his behaviour is a result of avoiding sex, this situation isn’t going to resolve itself and if he wants to be in this relationship and make you feel loved, cherished, and valued, he needs to be in it and he needs to be making every effort to positively improve your relationship and if that means going to a sex counsellor, so be it.

Over to you, readers. Your thoughts? What do you advise?

If you’d like to get in touch about a relationship, sex, or dating problem, get in touch.

If you want to find out more about why we make some our relationship choices and get to understand Mr Unavailable’s you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.

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9 Responses to Sex advice: Is it me? Or does he just not want to have sex?

  1. cheekie says:

    Wow, this is about a lot more than just lack of sex. As the saying goes, those who get enough in the relationship place it at low importance, those who don’t – well, it becomes the big elephant in the room.
    I definitely think that you don’t sound happy, or satisfied, or even content. Listen to your gut, listen to the questions you have asked here, and then ask yourself “Why”.
    My issue is more the lack of communication, this is the huge deal breaker. Refusal to discuss or deal with these kinds of issues is really a sign of a sick relationship.
    He doesn’t want to deal with it, yes it’s hard, but if you love someone or are committed to the relationship, you are serious about figuring things out. He unfortunately isn’t and even more unfortunately, it is starting to affect your self esteem.
    I have to agree with NML here, I really think you need to get out. It isn’t you. It might not even be him. It’s just the two of you together aren’t working. It happens, and I feel for you.

    Regardless of whether he is cheating, you have to decide for YOU what you want, and this really doesn’t sound like it at all, I know I wouldn’t be very happy. And I have been here, right where you are. It isn’t delusional or demanding to expect affection and emotion. It isn’t demanding or needy to want any of what you want.
    But go and save your efforts for a man that will love, reciprocate and appreciate everything you have to offer.

  2. Astelle says:

    I agree with Cheekie, get out now and find a man that loves you and treats you right.
    You can waste a lot of time trying to figure him out and will probably never get your answers, he really seems like a piece of work.
    The longer you stay with him the more your self esteem will suffer.

  3. blue violets says:

    I think some guys want the girl they want, until they get her, and then they want out.. but they don’t have the guts to say so. So they pull back and disengage so YOU have to break up with them.

    Repeat after me: “I deserve better. I am a queen among women. I deserve to be adored, cherished… and gone down on.”

    Repeat until you believe it… and then you’ll know you will never GET anything better until you believe you DESERVE better. Honey, you gotta know, the problem isn’t you… it’s him.

  4. Sindh says:

    I feel 50 pounds lighter these days, there’s a spring to my step, I sleep better, smile more and the reason to that is – all that time I spent trying to figure my assclown out is now spent on ME !
    I spent 2 years trying to figure his be nice and be mean attitude and boy he could be downright mean and nasty to me but did I ? Nope and does it even occur to you some of them may not know or care to right themselves so how are we gonna help them ? I tried everything and I mean everything and it just got worse, they never appreciate what you hand to them easily. Do you honestly think he is sitting there beating on his limp dick because he treated you bad – I doubt it.
    Stop spending precious energy and time on men who do not deserve them, why is it that we can expect so much more from our friends but will not ask out men ? I have been there and now like NML says One Strike and YOU ARE OUT !!
    Maybe I will be alone or maybe I will find my prince but my life can’t be about figuring out assclowns.
    But there is a lesson in it there for each and everyone of us but we get caught up in “lets figure him out mode” and totally miss on it.
    My lesson I feel was never to take disrespect, abuse from anyone even in the name of LOVE.

  5. Brad K. says:

    Leila, You mention the changes you have tried. What I keep wondering is – what happened two to six months into the relationship?

    It might be something simple, or obvious, or apparently unrelated. For example, if you used a perfume, or front-snap bra, or long hair to catch his attention and start the relationship, then dropped the bra for a comfy plain cotton, had your hair cut, or changed scent – you stopped being the woman he appreciated at the start.

    This may sound shallow, and it is. That is why I recommend keeping it simple, so a guy notices your honesty, integrity, honor. You don’t have to lose those things, ever. Plus, there is so much less competition. I find that some women refuse to think of fashion as a personal identity – they are so used to changing hair color, style, colors, scents, they fail to recognize they betray how other people see them. Change can be good – but do what you can to manage change once you are in a relationship. Surprises, like a new hair style, can feel like a betrayal because your previous identity is gone. And whether the new do looks great is only a very minor part of the issue.

    What happened to spark the change a year and a half ago might have been his work, his family, his pets, or his friends. But something happened.

    Because he has issues with you now. He doesn’t trust you to communicate fairly – the discussion a few days ago about refusing to respond? That is what he is doing, and it is killing communication. Trust me, the issue here is not that you aren’t getting together in bed – the issue is that he is afraid to let you know what the issue is. Or, maybe angry that he told you once, and you didn’t hear him or believe him or didn’t value his feelings.

    I know it sounds like I keep circling back to make it sound like you are at fault, and that isn’t what I mean. You want a change in what is going on. I feel the first thing is to find out what the problem is. And throwing more changes has to be the wrong thing to do. The porn, the lingerie – that change his image of you. When you aren’t communicating, that makes you stranger, and he has to feel that he understands what you want even less.

    And he doesn’t know how to get past the communication problem. So your choice is to work to resolve the communications (i.e., work on making him feel secure, respected, trusted, and cherished) issues, or accept the way things are now, or give up on the relationship.

    Instead of lingerie and porn, I would try to recapture who you were, and the environment of expectations and feelings you had when you started the relationship, when things were good. I would say everything since the sex went bad has been baggage, as far as the relationship goes. It might be important to you, but it hasn’t strengthened the relationship.

    If you want to read up on specifics, google for ‘passive aggressive resistance’. It is a form of bullying, and not respectful. I would want to find what is at the heart of the problem, because I wouldn’t let it go on for long in my life.

  6. Fake It 'Til I Make It says:

    Yikes. If the amount of time you’ve spent being unhappy in a relationship is greater than the amount of time you’ve spent being happy, it’s time to leave. It’s hard to come to this realization, and the temptation to keep throwing good money after bad is strong, no doubt. But when put in such stark terms, doesn’t it seem crazy that a few months of good times is worth more than a year of bad ones?

    It’s ultimatum time. As in, I’ve done everything I can think of to make this work, but you’re not even trying to meet me halfway. I need a significant show of faith and some major action, or I’m cutting my losses.

    I mean, 10, 15 or 20 years down the line you don’t still want to be miserable, saying, “but the first few months were magical…” do you?

  7. Brad K. says:

    Sally, From the way the question was stated, I am not hopeful anything can be salvaged. This guy has clammed up and shut Sheila out – the communications cold shoulder seems much more significant to me than the lack of sex. If he won’t communicate, there is little change she can discover the underlying issues. And I guess I am a prude or old-fashioned. I just find it hard to consider a relationship ‘successful’ if you are sleeping together and not sharing a residence. Especially after a half-year or more. Either you are an attached and bonding couple – or casually dating. Sheila doesn’t seem frustrated at the lack of access – living separate – so I have to wonder at her goals for the relationship, as well as his.

    It is a shame that just before kids start dating, their parents begin training them to conceal and deny their feelings, their dreams, their plans. Parents demand an account of what the kid is doing, etc., when the truth will often cause the parent to intervene. It is no wonder that so many men and women are reluctant to share what is important to them, at home.

    My comments were more about considering what she could do or avoid that might be helpful.

  8. Honey says:

    I slept with the BF on the first date and am just moving in with him after two years, and I consider our relationship very successful. But it does seem like there are additional things going on in this case. While it is entirely possible there are things going on outside of the relationship (work, family, etc.) that are affecting his sex drive, and it’s also important not to equate his sex drive with his attraction to you (they are two different things), the fact that he is so resistant to open discussion is the big red flag for me.

    My recommendation would be to say something along the lines of, “I’ve noticed that things have been a little off ever since ____. I’ve tried ____ and it hasn’t seemed to make things better. In a committed relationship, it’s very important for me to have ____, and since that’s not happening here, it seems like we have two choices. You can help me work out a communication style that works for both of us, or we can go our separate ways. I really hope it’s the former, because I’ve really liked ____ about you from the beginning.”

    Somewhere the BF and I have a written agreement about how we handle major conflict, because we have very different communication styles. That might be it here, and he might not know that it’s bothering you enough to consider ending it. Letting him know that, while at the same time letting him know that you’d rather find a way to work it out, seems like the way to go for me.

  9. beebee says:

    I went out with a guy for 5 months. For the first month or 2 i didn’t notice but now that i look back it was always me initiating sex. Around month 3 i actually said it to him, it didn’t go down too well. He was into doing drugs so i assumed it was down to this but he told me he just had a low sex drive. We ended things because of this, i couldn’t be with a guy with a lower sex drive than me as it was leaving me feeling horrible and as if he didn’t want me that way. I miss him loads but hey, now i can find someone that wants me that way

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