There was a time in my life when I would make excuses for why things were not as they should be in my relationships.
I don’t want to pressure him.
He’s struggling to cope with the strength of his feelings.
He’s waiting for his ex girlfriend to move out….
It’s just his ‘situation’. If he could finish it with ‘her’ he would but he’s afraid of what she’ll do if he ends it.
Maybe I’m a bit much to handle.
This is different. Even though it looks like it’s bad news, I know him in a way that no-one else does and I know what we have is real.
The reality is that this is called creating shades of grey where in actual fact, it’s really quite black and white. Each time I came up with reasons, excuses, explanations, and all sorts of clap trap, i was buying time, living in denial, and seeing what I wanted to see.
One of the things that many a Fallback Girl and in fact, many a woman in a poor relationship will find, is that she believes that she is different or that her situation is different.
Take me. When I spent 18 months of my life pandering to a cheating assclown, I thought I was different to all of those other women who are with ‘somebody else’s guy’.
When the blinders started to lift and I found myself incredibly disenchanted, I found myself fighting harder to prove myself because the thought that I was making a tit out of myself and that the situation was in fact no different, seemed unbearable. In the end, I realised that what was unbearable was sending myself to the slaughter house for a scheduled shag, some conversation to make it look like we were more than what we were, endless discussions and arguments about when he was going to sort his sh*t out, and even more private time on my own spent agonising and analysing my mess.
At the point in my life when I realised that I was a lover of Mr Unavailable’s, I became super aware that it was time to stop chasing men that don’t want me.
Harsh, but oh so true.
If you have to chase, if you have to fight to make it to number 10 in the queue, never mind number 1, and if your life is spent trying to make him see that you should be together and yada, yada, yada, he does not want you.
I’ve focused on what they’ve said, how they chased me, the promises but in truth, this is just a bit of chump change.
As I pointed out to a reader today “It doesn’t matter that they chased you intensely for the first four months – what matters is that now that two years have gone by, he’s not been chasing, treating you decently, or behaving consistently for the remainder of the time.”
If a man chases you for two months of the year and plays hide and seek for the next 10, that means that for eighty three percent of the year, he’s been messing with your head and this is his true character and his true behaviour.
I’m all for optimism, but this is taking the glass is half full mentality to the extreme and putting your focus on the wrong things.
Sometimes, you need to get medieval with yourself. When I realised I’d been with one guy for 5 months and he only blew hot for 2 weeks, I knew I was doing a disservice to myself.
Suddenly I realised that it was time to stop seeing shades of grey and that it was time to see things in black and white as they are, because in reality, people in healthy relationships don’t need to blur the lines and live in la la land to make things sit more comfortably.
This is the same way that you have to look at yourself too because emotional unavailability is not just about flip flapping men who often come back when they need an ego stroke – It’s about emotionally unavailable women who regardless of whether these men attempt to come back, are putting their lives on hold in the hope that he will come and ‘fall back’ on them.
Shades of grey indeed! Often, it is what it is, even if that makes for unpleasantries but in recognising the truth in your involvement, comes grief, comes acceptance, comes time to move the hell on.
Remember, from the moment that you know he doesn’t want you, you shouldn’t be worrying about why he doesn’t want you – I’d concern yourself from detaching yourself and your emotions from someone who doesn’t recognise your value.
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Kaylina-
YOU must decide you will not talk to this EUM when he comes back. You said you have been NC for awhile. I’m sure that it’s been easier without him around. You have to give up the false hope that he will be consistent. People that care about you don’t treat you like that.
Hi Kaylina,
I’ve had that very same thing happen to me. An EUM was pursuing me relentlessly and then after two months he just disappeared without a trace. Before him I was in a two year cat and mouse game with another EUM who had every excuse under the sun why he couldn’t commit to me. I thought I would not be strong enough to say no to him if he were to come back into my life. But you know what, I was. I had to finally figure out that he did not love me…I was just the chick he f**ked every once in a while. I was nothing to him but another warm soft lay. That’s alll and if i made it so easy for him to use me then why not? I never put any demands or expectations on him b/c I feared it would chase him away, but the reality is is that I never had him. All I had was an illusion of him, the him I wanted to see not the real him…the him that was really hurting and using me. Get angry, Kaylina. Stop and think how utterly hurt you were when he disappeared, think about how worthless he made you feel, how unlovable he made you feel. Now ask yourself, did you deserve to be treated that way? All you gave him was your attention and your time, maybe even your love, and his response was to hurt you, to make you feel less than. People who care about you don’t treat you like that. He is a coward, an emotional coward who is unable to have any emotional integrity in his relationships, he is emotionally damaged and you CANNOT fix him, it is not your job to do so. Tell youself everyday that you are worthy, beautiful, special and deserving of a man who will have the emotional integrity to love you CONSISTENTLY. If he cannot, then he is unavailable, and thus not ready for a relationship with you or anyone else. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit…he is not worthy of YOU.
and to tryingtoleavehim… you are very welcome. Hang in there. everyone woman on this blog has been burned by an EUM and is getting stronger and better. You will too. It takes time, but you can do it. trust in yourself. I do.
Amen Kissie!
Kaylina-I had to start journaling my thoughts, feelings, etc every day to remember how I felt about the way my EUM treated me. Somehow I conveniently forgot all those things when he would start contacting me again. If I journaled it then I could refer back to it and it helped me see the cycle of abuse and the same things were happening over and over again. It helped me get strong enough to do the NC and it hurt, it was hard, but I have no regrets. Like Kissie I too was just a warm lay or ego stroke when he needed one.
Yep..I never put expectations or demands out of fear it would chase him away. Never questioned his many contradictions story about just getting divorced. Never asked for more time or why he was gone for 4 or 5 days or why I wasnt worthy of the 5 minutes it would have took to send me a text. Ive been under the illusion that because he’s 15 years older than me, he wouldnt screw me over.
As long as I keep in mind that no self-respecting woman would allow themselves to be a standby, telling him NO should be easy. Reading the articles here have really helped. Ty !
This post was particularly straight to the point and really got me. It was just what I needed. I saw my EUM’s baby-momma driving today and I just wanted to flag her down and yell “run away!” since he’s been sleeping with her, sleeping with the new FBG, sleeping with the old FBG and until a few months ago sleeping with me. Uggghhh. The picture is just so ugly and gross when you finally take the rose colored glasses off. I’m embarrassed to have even been a part of it. The best part about this post, too, is the part that explains that even though he spent whatever period of time chasing, what he does after he “gets” you is the person he really is. My EUM chased me for YEARS, only to turn around and bag some other woman within a few weeks of “getting” me. That was the hardest, most confusing part, and the part that made me think I was different. But after NC for three months, I actually thought to myself yesterday after reading this post – “I don’t want to be his ‘anything’ anymore – not friends, not enemies – nothing. I forgive him for hurting me, and I forgive myself for getting involved with someone like that. If he’s happy doing what he’s doing, then I’m happy for him, and if not I hope he finds his way someday. It will just never be with me, and that’s finally actually ok.”
NML, I cant thank you enough!!!
What you wrote is my story, and it time to stop for me to chase and wait for my MR Unavailable…I need to be strong and start my NC for second time again (I hope it will be my last time!)
To BBP, it’s great that you are healing and able to move on from this hurt. I am happy for you.
To Kaylina, the EUM that i dealt with for two years was eight years older than me and I too thought since he was older than me he would be more mature and ready to settle down, but I was greatly mistaken. Age for these men really is just a number. In fact some of these EUMs target younger women because we’re inexperienced and more likely to put up with thier garbage.
Fianally, to all the women on this log, please understand that these men have other women, you are more than likely not the only one he is stringing along and have sexual relations with. So PLEASE be careful, sexually transmitted diseases are not fun and can be DEADLY!!! my EUM gave me genital herpes… please be careful.
This is all very thought-provoking stuff.
In my case, I’m still stuck.
Maybe I haven’t finished with him – properly – because I do not want to face the pain of it.
The pain of tolerating the bad times with him, is not as bad as the pain I anticipate from cutting him out of my life. Stubborn and stupid as it may be.
I confess, I am frightened of life without him. I am frightened of how painfully I will miss him. Afraid of losing what sometimes feels like my anchor. Of regretting it. I am frightened of making a mistake. What if I one day concluded that leaving him was an over-reaction?
I even admit to the fear that maybe no one else is any better and I will end up depressed about being alone and childless..?
So I rationalise sticking it out by saying to myself – It’s not that bad really. There is potential. Look at all the times it’s been fine – when he has treated me well. (instead of grumps / hostility / undermining / over-bearing). Look at how deeply I love him. How his heart is in the right place. Look at how special he is. He’s not a cheat, like so many are. He’s not all bad news. It’s not black and white.
Shades of grey keep the whole thing in an (un)comfortable limbo.
It seems easier to tolerate pain, and complain about it, cry about it – much easier than it is to take responsibility, grab hold of the steering wheel, and make a change.
At least, that’s where I seem to be now.
NML great post! I have done this even lately “but remember that time when he said this and how he couldn’t live without me…” it’s always “remember that one time”… But the thing is, I agree with what a lot of women are saying on here if I didn’t like a guy I can’t even fake it, I’m just not into them. You tell us to move on if someone is just not that in to you. The hard part with this is that these guys were engaged with us to some extent, my EUM spent tons of time with me. Guys that I don’t like I am not remotely interested in seeing at all or calling… I don’t blow hot at all. So that I find is the hard part of letting go… they gave us a taste and I find it hard to believe that it was all fake all the time.
I recognize that “remember that time” is not good enough, and yet simply saying “he didn’t want me” doesn’t quite sum it up either. He clearly did want me to some extent… I know that’s not good enough I just am saying I think that’s why we can’t let go because they did seem dedicated at times which leaves the feeling that there was something worth fighting for, vs, oh there was just no connection with that person and so it’s easy to see why it didn’t work.
Lia, definitely sounds like you are drawn to the drama and don’t want what’s best for yourself. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but you remind me of my former EUM with all the indecision and endless excuses.
You were a whole, productive individual before you met this man, why can’t you be that person again? You said you are afraid of being alone but aren’t you already alone by being with this type of man? Do you really believe that this man would be a loving and caring father?
I’ll tell you, when I cut the cord to my former assclown, I felt liberated and felt I had finally seen the light and had wondered what the hell had taken me so long. Knowing now what I was involved with, I would never subject myself to so little again, because you know what I deserve a hell of a lot better , and so do you. No more Excuses!!!!
Dazed, your guy spent tons of time with you – exactly for how long?
2, 3, months? How long does it take to get to know a person? Yeah, 3-6 months. Saying that “he didn’t want me”, yes, it DOES sum it up. How can you question that? Is he around? No, he isn’t.
You are more detached from reality than he is.
I agree that he did WANT you at one time, but that is in the past and there is nothing to fight for. In your case – I don’t know the man – I am not sure he is EUM – I think the EUM ‘s are very secret about what they are doing, they want you to be commited to them so they can fall back on you!
So, him bringing the new GF to the gym, knowing you would be there, makes no sense to me. He is not doing that to pi** you off, he is living his life and you just happen to get a glance at what he is doing because you are going to the same gym.
I know it sounds awful, but you even said “they seem dedicated at times” O.K., he was at the beginning, I feel you can’t let go because you can’t believe that he is done and doesn’t want you.
I know it hurts, I was hurt back then, but that is life.
Who knows, maybe your situation could have worked out, but with your control issues and I am not saying needy, you don’t strike me as being needy at all, it will be your way or the highway and he eventually took the highway. He said to you at one point that he will not re-live this relationship, please think about it for a minute why he said that, don’t make this all about you, you are not the victim.
I truly believe this man, call him jerk, a**hole or whatever, removed himself from a crazy situation and I would like for you at one point to step back and look at what REALLY happened. Yes, it will not bring him back but you may have a better chance with the next man you are dating.
I don’t want to sound harsh, I know I sound harsh, but in your situation you pulled the “boiling bunny” on him.
Don’t think that I am standing up for him, I just go by your posts about your situation and he sounds to me like man that is just done, he is not playing games with you, calling you up for some fun or anything, he is leaving you alone and you need to do the same.
I could understand if he would be jerking you around or send mixed messages or whatever, but he doesn’t, he even told you to leave him alone.
Please put this in your past so you can move on.
Kissie, you are so right, they have other women and age doesn’t matter. Just be careful, if he runs into a “dry spell” you may hear from him. I am so sorry that he gave you genital herpes, I had to google it to learn there is no cure for that? OMG, I am so sorry.
Yes, we were just a warm lay…
Lori G, you made a excellent point, it is ABUSE what they are doing and you stopped it, good for you!!
Lia, read Natalie’s posts and download her book, it will make you feel better. I don’t know your story – is it posted here? – to make a comment, but I know you are here to read for a reason.
BBP, you got it figured out, there is no fooling you anymore
Kaylina, Holy is right, you must decide not to talk to him if he makes contacts, you know his stories don’t up, be strong and get rid of him.
As always, NML’s post is spot on. I really thought that my ex-EUM cared about me. Now I know that was only the hot phase. When he started to blow cold, I wondered what I had done wrong. So I tried to “right” it by being understanding, scarce, talking about about the relationship, trying to fix the “problem”, staying away, pressing for more time together and even shutting up. I thought that he was shy, inexperienced with the ladies and afraid of giving his heart to me but in reality, he was just an assclown.
I’ve never been involved with someone who treated me badly, so this was all so new to me. After all, if we loved each other, I would try to make it work. And that was the problem – I was the only one trying. I was the only one in the relationship!
I figured that he wanted to quit the relationship & didn’t have the nuts to say it, so I ended it. He came on strong again, declaring how he loved me and wanted to be with me. This was my second mistake – instead of listening to his words, I should have been guided by his actions. But I so wanted to be with him, so I went back. He then resumed the usual EUM behaviour of disappearing, not calling, being too busy and of course, not committing.
I quit in July. He came back 1 month later and I took him back as I really wanted to believe he was serious this time. He wasn’t. I cut the contact again and looked objectively at the relationship. In 2 months I had seen him 3 times. In all of the 11 months together he took me out twice (and I paid for 1). Never surprised me with lunch or did anything really thoughtful. And THIS is the man that I was giving my time and attention to? Oh no! So I quit, and this is going on 6 weeks now of NC. Of course, he said that he loves me and can’t stop thinking about me. Not to my face of course, but via text and IM – the preferred method of communicating by EUM’s.
I’m in disbelief that I put up with this rubbish for so long and I wonder if he ever laughs at just how silly I was. I will never beg anyone to love me or be with me again. My biggest fear now is that I’ve been sooo burned by this guy that I’m afraid to trust my judgement when it comes to men.
No more shades of grey. A man loves me or he doesn’t. He is available or he isn’t. And that’s that!
Thank you Gaynor and as.
I’ve not posted anything before. I often check this website and read NML’s articles…. it’s like I’ve got the knowledge but not the willpower. ! I haven’t been in contact with him for just over a week now, but even that feels pretty rough.
Your comments are encouraging… thank you.
Cynnie, I could relate so much as to what you were saying, except the “disappearing” acts and “not calling.”
The sad thing is is that I am also scared to trust my judgement in men -resulting in hanging out with a lot of gay men- but we cannot continue this warped thinking or else these idiots are still in control of our emotions and minds. The beginning of healing is recognition of the problem, and acknowledging that we are part of the problem. With the tools we now have we can prevent any of this misery from occurring again.
One question. Do these guys have any idea how destructive and abusive their behavior actually is? Or, are they sadists?
Lia,
I know I was tough but it was coming from a god place.
Please know that the rewards from leaving this guy far outweighs what little you get now.
I do believe you have the willpower but you must believe it yourself. Trust me, you will eventually feel soooooooo much better when you have completely removed him from your life.
It’s up to you!!!
as- I appreciate your feedback… tough love is needed in these situations so don’t worry about being harsh or what is better called honest
I am not sure as to the extent of my exes EUMness… I can tell you this was a guy who would send me love letters then disappear for 2 days, broke up with me saying I was the woman for him he just needed to sort himself out, then suddenly had this new woman. As for no mind games… like I said we broke up, he would send me photos of us together and say “look how amazing we are…” and now yes he appears just to have moved on but as Astelle pointed out even EUMs can recognize when something is not worth it anymore. I lashed out and made it so that there was no way this guy could come back for any ego boost whatsoever.
Regardless of him being EUM or me just being controlling… I have blamed myself for long enough but know my controlling nature kicked in after he started pulling these odd disappearing acts, there was this sense that I always had to be on guard never knowing what he would do next or when I would see him. It caused me to start planning every moment of the relationship whereas guys I am dating now… I don’t question it or worry I know they will call and they do without me chasing them around.
So whether someone is EUM or whatever I am learning that some people are dependable and honest. I can’t worry anymore about whether it would have been different if I were different, I was not good when with this guy and that might simply be because we were a poor match. The point is, I didn’t recognize that early enough and leave when he pulled some shady behaviours out of his pocket.
Gaynor
I used to wonder if he deliberately set out to hurt me or was so disconnected that it didn’t register how hurtful his actions (or inaction) was. Then I read a post from a reader who said that if a horse kicks you, wheter on purpose or accidentally, it hurts. Same with EUMs
So wheter these men are EUM’s, sadists, clowns, sad or depressed doesn’t matter – not when you’re hurting. I stopped trying to understand and make sense of him weeks ago, which in turn permitted me to leap forward in terms of my healing. I’m 85% there and plodding on – WITHOUT him in life.
Great read! I think this also applies to men and is something that should be focused on
Thank you for this article it is a great help and thank you to those who commented with encouragement to let it go..
5 months ago I could not for love nor money let him go.. now I’m bored and sick of treating myself badly like Astelle said like a doormat for him to come and wipe his feet on when ever he has the urge to do so.. So I’m done I will be not contacting him. And I seriously doubt he will be in contact with me anytime soon so that is a win win situation… 5 months getting rid of this EUM is much better than the years that rolled on by chasing an even worse EUM….
Cynnie, You’re right! I guess I try to find the logic in every situation, even if it is highly illogical.
Sorry, I just noticed the post from “as” from Nov 27th is actually me, must have typed too fast.
I used to frequent here earlier this year. Haven’t been here in awhile – which is the good news. I had an EUM for about 2 years, but then just got tired of it. Just plain frickin’ exhausted from over analyzing, wondering what he’s up to, and blah blah blah.
So I decided to start rebuilding myself by deciding to join groups/activities I knew I was good at. That helped to rebuild my self-esteem. I also joined one activity/group in which I knew nothing about and hadn’t done before. I walked in there completely faking (fake it until you make it) confidence, and with the idea that these people have fresh eyes on me – they don’t know about my drama/past. I also forced myself out with my friends more and met all kinds of new people.
Then, a couple months ago I met another guy. For 2-3 weeks he was awesome – too good to be true. And that cliche turned out to be true. After about 3 weeks, there was an exceptionally obvious switch in his behaviour which was just like a light had switched off and I picked up on it instantly. He stopped calling, texting, etc. Continued to email a couple times a day, but in the evenings I never heard from him. So next time he asked me out, I said no. I told him I wanted a relationship, and that was that. I have struggled a little, as he still emails a couple times a day… but I’m TIRED of the crap. Oh, and for the record, the previous EUM emails every now and then, and I just delete his email without reading it. I can’t imagine what he could possibly have to say to me at this point. And really don’t care.
Kim, I think you’re probably addicted to drama. You probably don’t know how to function without something to be worried about/over analyze, etc. I am like that but have worked on it. Remember it’s a HABIT, just like smoking, that can be broken – it just takes hard work! Like I said, I struggle everyday to not fall back into my old patterns… everyday. But I’m also trying to be honest with myself – at the end of the day I wasn’t happy with the behaviour of these people. I want someone who is reliable and consistent, and I want to feel secure.
Good luck ladies!
Great article! I think this also applies to men and is something that should be focused on..
GIVING HIM THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT…. i’ve let this assclown (a french one too!) run my heart through the wringer for a year. uh. i’ve gotten so many messages of how much he loves me and how confused he is. if i needed ANYTHING done or needed an item i left at his house from when we lived together…. he’d be there that night. even sick as a dog… you can see how confusing this was. BUT the point is… he’s seeing someone and he aint commiting to ME! so he – ASSCLOWN and i no longer see in shades of grey.
acceptance is hard. its hard to realize he was never “there”
i told him no talking for 6 months. its been 3 weeks and its very hard, but i know!!!!! that NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to do this right and to get myself back. meaning trusting my own judgement and establishing my own boundaries….
uh i am nervous that i won’t get myself to being emotionally available again. i mean i am on the DEFENSE hard core… even if i start to like a guy i can’t stand him! lol
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