Shedding Tears for an Assclown
I recently spoke with a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend of a year a couple of months ago. He had been cheating on her for pretty much the majority of the relationship and she’d finally caught him out. When we caught up, she was still crying a lot and seemed really devastated which understandably you would be if you’d found out that your guy was a lowlife.
What was interesting though was why she was crying.
When I asked where her upset was rooted, I expected her to feel upset about the betrayal, the deceit, being taken for a fool etc but she was upset because she wasn’t with him anymore. She missed him. She thinks he’s “sexy, funny, and probably one of the best men I’ve ever met and now it’s over. What am I going to do?”
Is it just me that’s wondering if she’s on Relationship Crack? Or just plain ‘ole cracK?
I come across a lot of women shedding tears over their men but the reality is:
It’s one thing to cry over the betrayal and be angry about it. It is another to cry about the fact that you’re no longer with a cheat.
In fact, if you’re upset about the what he has done (or not done) and said (and not said) then at least you can progress to anger and move on from that and grieve the relationship and get over him.
If you’re crying because you’re not with a chump assclown and you miss his company/the sex/how he made you feel on his good days, you will sit in the land of limbo because crying about these things when there are bigger things to concern you about him suggests that you’ve got the reality of him and your relationship out of whack.
In fact, the likelihood is that if you’re indulging in the latter, you’ll be obsessing about him and the relationship and if you’re doing this, it means you’re placing yourself in the eye of the storm and putting the blame on yourself.
Was it me? Was I not good enough for him? What if I hadn’t said that thing on day 22 of the relationship? What if I hadn’t been so busy at work? Maybe I should have been more patient? Maybe I pressured him too much and he felt cornered? Did he cheat because I wasn’t giving him what he wanted?
Just like the way you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink; you can lead an assclown to your idea of what relationship you can have but if his hearts not in it and he has one or both feet out of the relationship, or his penis in someone else, nothing you say or do is going to make any real positive difference. Instead you’ll prolong the agony whilst you’re buying time to avoid making a decision.
I’ve cried a lot of tears and obsessed about the shoulda/woulda/coulda moments. Tears, upset, anger, a bit of blame, maybe a bit of shame are all expected when you break up with someone you’re emotionally invested in.
But…and there is a but - when you get treated poorly, you’ve gotta take off the blinders. This is why even though I have a trail of poor relationships in my past, I stopped going back because my head and heart may have been saying ‘But I’m crazy about him/We had a great connection/I miss him/I want him/Maybe I was a bit hasty’ and then reminders would pop into my head about the assclown behaviour and I’d hold that thought and suffer it out and get angry instead of getting teary and rejected.
When you get angry and get real about them, you reject them. Yeah you may feel rejected by their behaviour but if you get over them and you don’t go back to these chumps like they expect you to, the final rejection actually comes from YOU.
So if you’re crying, go on with your bad self and shed those tears but you’d better check in with yourself and double check why you’re crying. If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s an assclown, you need to do a reality check because the fact that he is an assclown is a signal to you that you’re barking up the wrong tree and that you need to find a way to get over him.
It’s always good to keep it real, even if it’s painful to look at because you can make progress and ensure you don’t fall back down a slippery slope.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Loving Annie October 31st, 2008, 3:30 pm
Oh YES, Nat, once again you have hit the nail so squarely on the head ! I am so glad I am in a position to SEE it now, and understand it with my heart as well as my brain. THANK YOU so much for the wisdom you put out here every day. You are my daily Bad Relationship Addict Anonymous Meeting
(lol)
Alison October 31st, 2008, 3:38 pm
Great post! I have been recently crying over my emotionally unavailable man. It was a rollercoaster of emotions: at the start the tears fell because of the fact that yet another man treated me like crap, then it was because I missed him and wanted to be with him, THEN it was because he kept calling me up, saying he missed me and would not leave me alone to grieve … NOW I am done with crying. Everytime I look at him now I feel free, no longer am I invested in this guy who will never be with me and will never commit. I am even angry everytime I remember the lies.
It was the little things he used to lie about, ie why he would never reply to my texts or why he could not meet up with me. But these lies became bigger and then I figured he lied about his feelings for me. I don’t want to think that what we had was fake because at the time it felt right and I have NO regrets, but those days are gone and I need to move on (rhyming was unintentional!)
Sure I still have feelings for him and I probably forever will, but I realise now that this guy was too immature and the fact that he treated me like crap just goes to show that guys can have verbal diarrhoea as much as a woman can! They tell you things to keep you invested and when you question these things, they make you think you are the crazy one!
We were really good together but like you say if both feet are not in the relationship then it is no relationship to be proud of. I know I will eventually find a guy that will treat me right, love me and only me, and I will love him back. Until then, I say boll**ks to him! Let me live my life
Dazedandconfused October 31st, 2008, 4:03 pm
This is where I am right now… I can fully admit it. I went to my counsellor last night and we talked about how I feel bored with my life and what I am doing. This guy did it all. He was fearless… wanted to learn to do something he did it! I said let’s try that and he did it! I thought this is my perfect mate no one will ever do all this with me. The part that I am struggling with today is that I have the rose colored glasses on and keep thinking “what if I did pressure him, and then he wouldn’t have been this assclown and then we could be together and just have all the good stuff?” So NML I guess I am asking honestly what if? I think what your response would be goes back to some of your original posts “if this person were decent they would not have blown hot and cold, cheated, etc.” If was in fact very clingy (well I was) but if it were just me, he would have politely left and not come back then left, etc. The other thing I have learned is that these men are cons… it’s easy to be anything when you are actually nothing. One of the hardest parts about all this is missing someone I am not sure exists. He wanted kids, to buy a house, to travel, he liked art… but this is the same person who recently recommended that I just lie to men to convince them that I am looking for something serious in order to keep them around. I keep going back to something from your posts and it’s very ironic but WE CHOSE THESE MEN, WHICH MEANS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM. Funny isn’t it, but knowing you are unstable means they have to be as well haha! So ladies, don’t idealize a man who seemed so exciting and great, if he was so great you wouldn’t miss him and have chased him for as long as you did.
Also, in trying to find myself these days I have realized that I am emotionally fearless and ladies I think you are too. It is part of the “talk too much syndrome” but try and be proud. This guy could come back to me, and be so exciting but he is emotionally closed off and I do not have respect for people like this. I often make excuses but look at us airing out our dirty laundry, facing our mistakes head on and it’s painful and ugly at times wondering how we ended up like this, but we are changing ourselves. My mother reminded me this week it’s not that I am the only person who has these faults, I am just willing to address them. Be proud of what you are doing with your life and the strength you have to face the errors you have made.
myalmostlover October 31st, 2008, 5:02 pm
Thank you Natalie…it seems every day when I’m feeling down over some aspect of my xEUM relationship, you write a post about it. I’m six weeks or to be exact 45 days into NC. I struggle every single day and yes I ‘ve cried the tears. It kind of goes in stages of the grieiving process. I’m stuck between anger and sadness. I miss the hell out of this guy and it’s because my life seems so empty now. I know that this will pass and I know he’s a cheating assclown. If I can keep those images in my head it keeps me strong but when I slip back into forgetting the pain he put me through and remember only the good times, I end up with the blues.
The only thing at this point I am holding onto is NC. I feel proud of myself that I’ve been able to get this far and have no intention of breaking it. But we’re human after all and when you lose someone you love, no matter how messed up they were, you do miss them. BUT I said good bye to HIM and I love the line you posted, “the final rejection actually comes from YOU.”. How true that is. I left him, I found out what he was doing and maybe it did take months of breaking up and making up but finally I found the strength to say good bye and I know in my heart of hearts that it affected him greatly. Not so much that he couldn’t live without me but that I would actually have the chutzpah to leave him, the almighty one, god’s gift to women.
I just have to keep reading your posts to remind myself that he doesn’t deserve my tears. He doesn’t deserve me, period. So on into week 7 of NC I go. Can’t wait for your new book.
Dazedandconfused October 31st, 2008, 5:26 pm
Myalmostlover (great name by the way) you should be proud of yourself for having left. I can’t say if it’s any worse but I did not do this. Instead I put up with crap until I got kicked to the curb and told to beat it permanently. The pain of losing my self esteem followed by rejection when he was done with me has been awful.
I admire you for having left and put your foot down.
NK October 31st, 2008, 9:08 pm
My ex and I had our first real argument at the end of August, and he responded by saying that he wanted to take a break. I, however, said that I wanted out. He behaved in many ways as if he were emotionally unavailable, but his main problem was being passive or covertly aggressive. This resulted in lies, manipulation, emotional distance, etc. We’ve had about two months of no contact, but I still feel horrible. In some ways, I think maybe it would have been better if he had called quits because I am very tempted to get into contact with him. If I’m thinking about him all the time anyway, what difference does it make if we’re in contact or not. My main fear of reconnecting is if I found out he’d already found another woman. Anyway, I still feel as if I’ve lost my best friend, and I’ve tried my darndest to keep my life full since our split. I feel as if a part of me is missing.
myalmostlover November 1st, 2008, 1:15 am
Dazedandconfused…..Thanks for the props but I have to tell you it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I miss him like a mofo BUT I cannot nor will not put myself though that hell again. Even though the dumb part of my brain that apparently likes assclowns who cheat, would love to just hear his voice again, thankfully the rationale side of my brain that thinks assclowns are the lowest form of dating life, won’t go there. So I’m at war with myself everyday. I know NML’s book is coming out soon, “How to Lose An Assclown in 90 days”. I’m half way there. Hoping it gets better the next 45 days.
I’m sorry that happened to you. Believe me, it could have been me, I was so weak when it came to him. But you know what, I bet you’re not crying every single day and stressed out to the max. I know your self esteem has taken a big hit but you will find a good man one of these days that appreciates you. That’s my wish for you.
NK…..Hey girl, I hear ya. I’m in the obsessing zone myself. I have had to slap my hand from picking up the phone and calling him. BUT the thing is he may be with someone else and I’m not going there ever again. Having my heart ripped out on a weekly basis for several months was enough for me. I know you’re lonely and you miss him, I feel the same way. My xEUM and I were always together but he cheated and broke my heart. How can I forgive that? Do you really want to go back there again? Remember how much pain he caused you?
If anyone ever told me that leaving a man would be this hard I would have laughed in the their face but this is just so tough.
Hang in there NK…..we’re both hanging by our fingernails but it’s got to get better the longer we do it. I feel like I lost my best friend too but what kind of friend pulled the crap that he pulled or that your EUM pulled. We have to remember that. With friends like that do we need enemies?
Brad K. November 1st, 2008, 1:19 am
NK, of course you feel part of you is missing - part of your life has left you.
I do disagree that is problem was covert aggression - passive aggressive - or even passive. The lies and deceit? The inability to form a healthy emotional bond and to be responsible or to care and nurture? That started with lack of respect. He didn’t respect you, and could not have respected himself if he could lie and deceive. These are attacks one makes upon enemies, not family or friends.
So when you gave him your time, your presence, and your affections, even after you realized the problems, you left your life invested in your fantasy of what he could become. Shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change. And now he is gone, and you still miss the fantasy.
When right now you should be working out why you would pick a guy that didn’t respect you, you are still wondering how to recover your fantasy with the Bozo that is gone - and will *not* be changing. No Contact is not just resisting making The Call or The Text or The Email - No Contact is also about finding yourself, understanding your goals, and making what changes you have to, so that EUM’s and disrespectful guys won’t flock to you - and so you won’t accept a bad choice.
Luck!
lisaq November 1st, 2008, 1:58 pm
If I had a dollar for every tear shed over an assclown, I’d never have to work again. And sadly, they were tears shed because I missed them. I wasted countless hours and countless tears wondering what I had done wrong when in reality, though my headspace at the time invited them in, they were out and out assclowns with ridiculous, repulsive behavior. It feels good to know that now, it’s me rejecting them and their behavior.
bobby November 2nd, 2008, 3:21 pm
“In fact, if you’re upset about the what he has done (or not done) and said (and not said) then at least you can progress to anger and move on from that and grieve the relationship and get over him.”
Love this part the best! Not because it gives good advice as to how to move on, but it also gives you the meat as to why (In this case the what).
Estelle November 2nd, 2008, 5:07 pm
Today I broke up with my boyfriend and I cried my heart out. We had a friendship incl. sex, didn’t see each other often, but on a regularly basis. He did see others as well and I had the same freedom but didn’t use it.
I “made” a relationship in my head and feel so foolish now. Found out that in his family there were a lot of problems, like alcohol, no contact with a sister and so on. And still I wanted to be with him and with them.
Now he’s gone I realise that I do miss him, but it’s more that I cry for all the deprived love in my life. I miss my parents that were never there, I miss my brother who is an EUM as well. It feel like I have nothing to fall back to. And that is said by a fall back girl.
I want to change my pattern and will take time to heal. I can honestly say that the last 3 years after my divorce I have done so much work on me and I really love myself, like myself, do nice things for me, BUT I still end up with an assclown. WHY is that. I have a feeling that my relationship behaviour has become a habit. I’m used to it.
How can I break the pattern?
Brad K. November 2nd, 2008, 6:15 pm
Estelle, Sorry to hear about losing his comfort.
Today is too soon to be making real plans. There are tears to shed, chocolate waiting, herbal tea with honey to soothe, movies to wallow in.
And some cleaning up to do. Like remembering what was good and bright and comforting. Like sorting out the parts that drove you apart, and how you chose to be in that situation .. wait, wait, that is more for tomorrow or next week.
For now, embrace the split, make it an emotional cross-roads, something significant in your life that you can use as a roadmark, of the things ‘before’ the split, and things ‘after’.
Keep up your daily routine, and allow more time for rest. Grief is cold - drink more hot (non alcohol, decaff) drinks, eat more hot foods.
Take care.
FinallySeentheLight November 2nd, 2008, 9:32 pm
Thanks for the post. This is so true…it is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I seem to miss him and remember the good times, when I need to focus on the fact that he’s not capable of having a normal healthy relationship and that he hurt and disappointed me over and over, put his needs before mine and did not show me the respect that I deserve. I’m learning to have that respect for myself. Your post has helped me to reflect on that some more…now when I begin to miss him, I’ll turn my thoughts around.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 3rd, 2008, 4:26 am
Today is day 9 of NC, and boy have there been tears of the wrong sort. I spent 6 years with my EUM, and there are just a whole lot of really good memories, he is really a nice guy, he just had a series of serious emotional injuries that led to the EU.
He is in counseling (as I am) and of course I am hoping that that can resolve some of his depression and EU issues and we could be together again. On the day we parted I told him that that was the only circumstance I would consider restarting our relationship, and that I’d really want a doctor’s note. Of course, I’m sure Natalie would point out that even if he did pull out of it, it doesn’t necessarily follow that he would want to be with me.
And so the tears fall for Mr. Unavailable. FYI he read Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and said he realized he had many of the EU qualities.
Brad, I totally agree with what you said about grief being cold. Hot baths are even better than tea. Sea Salt is said to clear your spiritual body of energetic ties to other people. The baths have been a great comfort.
Another thing I wonder is how the length of the relationship is related to the time needed for getting over the EUM. Any case studies on that?
Tulipa November 3rd, 2008, 8:22 am
oh so timely “you need to find a way to get over him”
could you please do a post oh this.. I so want to get fully over him but feel something is keeping me attached to what I have no idea how to get over him properly…
Kim2 November 3rd, 2008, 3:02 pm
Could a reason for having such a hard time getting over assclowns be that we fear we are unloveable? That is me. I tried and tried and tried to be NICE to him with the expectation that he would be nice back to me. Never happened… all he thought about was himself. He had no respect for me and I suppose buried deep inside I have no respect for myself. A self-respecting woman would never have gotten involved with the assclown in the first place. There was such an intense physical attraction that I HAD TO HAVE HIM and did not face the emotional cost to myself. He was a total waste of my time and energy. He confirmed my deepest fears — that I am nothing. I think I go after these kind of men to prove to myself that I am more than nothing. But what happens? I put up with a lot of crap and bad behavior from him all while trying to be NICE and get some appreciation from him. What is really happening is that he sees me as a doormat… a woman that will give him what he wants regardless of how poorly he treats her. Yet I keep banging my head against the same brick wall. I know that I have to learn to respect myself and believe that I am worthy of love and respect. The words are in my brain but haven’t gotten into the soul level being of ME yet. I can say those words to myself over and over but for some reason I still don’t believe it. For some messed up reason I doubt my own value. It’s sickening!
SuzieQ November 3rd, 2008, 4:20 pm
Kim2 - I feel exactly the same as you do. I could have written the exact same thing. We also had an intense physcial attraction. I made myself available to his schedule. Not once did I tell him I was busy because I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to see him. In turn he took me for granted and treated me like a doormat. I also feel after this relationship that I am unlovable. All I can suggest is finding a good therapist to get your self esteem back in order. Until you do that its probably not a good idea to date anyone.
Kendra November 4th, 2008, 8:50 pm
Hi Ladies,
Ive been with the site for about 9months and blog on and off…and speaking
From experience the pain you all are feeling WILL subside! Trust me, there were days where I thought I was mentally losing it, I couldn’t sleep, eat, smile, NOTHING. Everyday seemed like an uphill battle, just getting up in the AM was a struggle. This site was what kept me going on. I counted everyday of NC the same way an alcoholic would count their days of not having any alcohol. “Hi My name is Kendra and Ive been NC free for, 11,12,13,14, etc days”… Now the problem with my EUM is we work in the same company so NC is not 100pct possible. For those of you who know my story from other forums and blogs will remember. (Its too long to repeat) But lets just say he was ur typical EUM, never around, came mainly @ nite, made promises but never came thru, etc. We ‘dated’ for 18months..and it was hell really looking back @ it. One day in March I pulled the relationship (if u can call it that) off of life support. Since then its been an uphill battle btwn maintaining NC and @ the same time keeping my sanity. Every month or so since the breakup he’s tried to contact me. And yes Ive had sx with him twice since we broke up bc @ the time I was still so weak for him.
Then the day he went MIA after our last sexual encounter (sometime in July) I snapped.
Meaning it all came to me clearly. And I moved on, REALLY moved on-meaning I
Started dating, laughing, playing, flirting, all the anxiety disappeared. Yes here and there when I saw him in the office it would stir me up a bit he would make his miss u, ure beautiful comments but I controlled myself and didn’t go back. So the rest of the summer goes by and 4months later (present time) Im COMPLETELY healed, hes not really a thought in my brain. It got to the point when my phone rang I didn’t expect nor want it to be him. It was over right 9 months ago right??? I mean really its been 9months.. Then one evening 2 wks ago I get a call @ 10pm and guess who it was?? Him. (crazy part is I thought it was another guy I was supposed to meet for dinner but it actually was my EUM) My jaw dropped and I ignored the call, he then txt me telling me to call him, again I ignored. Then for the next few days he kept calling or txtng me. Inviting me to lunch, telling me he misses me- all this over txt mssgs because remember I ignored all his attempts except for one text where I told him to leave me alone and he responded w “Why are you being nasty to me??”. Then last Fri as I was about to step on the train to head to work he calls me and I picked up. (Mistake) The call took all of 10seconds bc as soon as I picked up he said “hey baby how are you” as if nothing happened he went onto tell me how he changed and misses me blah blah -that’s when the call ended bc I hung up on him. Again too long to explain but I was not receptive. I basically picked up bc he was practically stalking me-I mean out of no where this all came about- for a solid 4months there was NC. Now here we are on Tuesday and I haven’t heard from him since Friday other than seeing him on the elevator yday and it was strictly professional. I would be lying if I said it doesn’t mess with your mind bc it does. He comes out of under his rock and lays it on thick then disappears…why??? maybe he saw it wasn’t as easy as it used to be who knows. But I had to share my story with you ladies to show you that these guys never change and some never really disappear. However if you take control you will be able to move on, I did to some degree-no tears, no anxiety. Its almost like they sense you’ve REALLY moved on mentally and emotionally and that’s when they come out. Hopefully my long winded speech makes some sense and you can relate somewhat. Good luck
Kendra November 4th, 2008, 9:15 pm
point Im trying to make ladies is ANY response is good enough for these guys. The very little response my EUM got from me was enough to satisfy him. Luckily im strong enough (now) to see him and the situation for what it is.
Brad K. November 4th, 2008, 9:17 pm
Kendra, you missed a great opportunity - when he asked why you were being nasty, you should have been ready.
There is no relationship and that makes his actions and contacts completely inappropriate. The past no longer counts for *anything* other than you now know to avoid him. You are not being nasty and rude to a friend - you are defending yourself because you sure feel like you are being stalked.
That is something he cannot argue with - what you feel is what you feel. You aren’t labeling him a stalker, so can’t ‘explain’ what he is doing - it still feels like being chased by a predator.
Anyway, “The crude man, by his manner, causes others to be direct.” Subtle and polite hasn’t worked with him, maybe explaining you are ready to call the cops, have a restraining order issued, complain of harassment at work, etc. will get him to chase someone else.
SuzieQ November 4th, 2008, 9:18 pm
Hi Kendra, you are really strong. Keep ignoring him. My EUM always came back time and time again, he would call or text and act like nothing happened. A week and 1/2 ago, I threw my drink(red wine) in his face. We were having a terrible argument and I just snapped. He brought my son into it which was completely uncalled for. I am hoping that what I did was enough to keep him away forever. If he contacted me again I am not sure I could be strong enough to ignore him like you did.
Kendra November 4th, 2008, 9:35 pm
Thanks guys for your feedback. Brad what could have been his reason for going back under his rock? Do you think maybe this time he got the hint?
Kendra November 4th, 2008, 9:45 pm
SuzieQ omg red wine???? URE BRAVE lol!!
Dazedandconfused November 4th, 2008, 9:50 pm
This is awful but I am always kind of upset to hear about your EUMs crawling back… I just ran in to mine last night with his new g/f brought her out to our gym and kissed her the whole time etc. while he was never affectionate with me. Anyhow… I KNOW that it’s good he does not come back but it makes me doubt that he’s an EUM. I will admit I did not cut contact… I would go a week call, another week, call… then he told me about this new girl I lost it (cause he broke up with me saying he needed to be alone to get over his ex) and then it’s been 2 weeks. This guy really has cut me out… I go away he never seems to worry. No I miss you, nothing. He seems really done with me and the games and I don’t get it why does yours chase you around? Is mine actually stable and is done with me because I was the only one playing?
Dazedandconfused November 4th, 2008, 9:51 pm
Oh I should also mention that whenever we spoke I took that time to remind him that he is awful, a liar, a cheat… so one can see why he’s not calling me up haha! I am wondering if he ditched me because I no longer provided him with an ego massage.
Kendra November 4th, 2008, 10:00 pm
Brad im also a little confused…you imbedded in my brain NC is the way to go so dont you think explaining anything to him would be too much info? In rgds to it being my chance to tell him off when he asked why i was being nasty… I thought minimal to no response wouldve been best…(?)
Kendra November 4th, 2008, 10:03 pm
D&C, it sucks big time when they come back so consider urself lucky that yours hasnt. Also he never came back bc YOU were the one always doing the chasing-why would he come back? He knew you were always there. Good riddance to him and all you can do is mentally wish him luck w his new gf. Is your ex even a EUM or is it you guys broke up and he’s has moved on? We have to remember just bc a r’ship didnt work out doesnt make them a EUM or an assclown…
SuzieQ November 4th, 2008, 10:04 pm
Kendra, not brave - I was just so hurt by the things he was saying. Probably a little buzzed too. Most of it got on my own clothes! It was the first time in my life I ever did anything like that. Usually it takes him about 2 weeks to come around again, but the fights were getting more frequent with less and less fun times in between. I miss him a little but at the same time I am praying that he leaves me alone. I know it is better that we break up.
Dazed - not sure if your guy is an EUM - but if he doesn’t think you will be nice to him he probably won’t contact you. My guy and I have a history where he will be ok for a while, then he starts withholding himself emotionally until I get upset and we fight about it. Ususally a dramatic fight. Then we don’t speak for a while, then he contacts me with something stupid and I go right back. I never make him apologize and I am always nice to him. I never make him beg or tell me how anything is going to be different. I am always ready to forgive because I love him that much. He knows the pattern and that is why he always comes back - because its easy and he is not the type to go out and find someone else. He only had 3 girlfriends his entire life and he is 47. Be glad your guy isn’t trying to come back. It makes it so hard. A small part of me is wishing mine would try to come back just so I could say no this time, and maybe he will someday. But I think it will be much easier on me if I never hear from him again.
Dazedandconfused November 4th, 2008, 10:12 pm
Kendra, he did the hot and cold, a real charmer, was totally in to me, then would do the 48 hour disappearance… broke up with me saying I was his best friend and wanted to live with me and would be back for me… then he turned ugly! When I ask what that is all about he says he’d never like to relive our relationship ever again. This was not a decent man who just broke my heart by any means.
He also told me last week he is just using this new girl and that she is not his g/f then brings her to the gym (the one place I asked him not to) and flaunts her in my face.
He lied regularly, chased me around for the first month and then kept saying we are movign too quickly but he was the one with all the living together, kids talk. He poored it on thick with emails about how he was not going anywhere, thought I was the most amazing woman ever… and now he’s just with some new girl.
Dazedandconfused November 4th, 2008, 10:17 pm
Suzie Q… I did something similar last week but it was verbal not liquid
My guy told me at the end he was crazy about me and then was so cruel. I just finally lost it never having said the mean things I said to anyone before.
I believe from this site he is a textbook EUM but my own behaviour often causes me to question how bad he was and how much I played in to this behaviour with my clingy needy ways. But certainly he withheld information, would disappear for hours or days (lost my cell, friend go hurt, etc.) he lied about his past, ex was still in the picture, and I am quite sure cheated on me and then even when he dumped me poured it on that he would be back for me etc. and I was his best friend. A week later I’m chopped liver and he wants nothing to do with me.
Like I said, I would just call all the time, chase, do the over talking, etc. and so sometimes I think maybe this was just a good guy who could not handle a crazy clingy girl like me and finally gave up trying.
SuzieQ November 4th, 2008, 11:53 pm
Dazed - my guy sat here telling me he was madly in love with me - even told my mother since she stopped by when he was here. Then I didn’t hear from him for 5 days - found out he went to watch his daughter cheerleading with a bunch of other people . When I asked him why he couldn’t invite me - he said “why would you even want to go?” I said, “so we can spend time together”. That is when I realized, he didn’t love me, or else his idea of love was something totally different than mine. After almost 3 years together he still wanted to keep the time he spent with me to a minimum.
Maybe you were acting clingy because his behavior made you insecure. Don’t blame yourself, you can’t win with these guys. It doesn’t make sense, they will tell you they love you one day and leave you the next. Either they don’t know what real love is or they can only love you if you don’t “bother” them. But that isn’t love. Unless both people are getting their emotional needs met, it can’t work.
Brad K. November 5th, 2008, 1:13 am
@Kendra - but this isn’t NC. He is texting you. And calling. You know the contents of the messages. The contents matter to you. For NC - he either stops texting or you change your ID and don’t let him have the new one. The rules for NC say the same for emails and phones.
NC isn’t about whether you are ’strong’ about handling him, NC is about protecting yourself. Any time his contact distracts you, it revives memories and worries. And hopes and fears, and “does he want me this time?” “Will he respect me?” Or even, “Dang, it is him again.”
You aren’t being clear enough, direct enough, or absent enough for him to get the message or give up. This is not about being ’strong’, but about being clear and focused on why he still considers you attractive - and available. What you intend him to understand doesn’t matter - what matters is what he hears - and if he can get messages to you, he figures you are still available to him.
You are right - if you are using the No Contact rules, you should not respond to his texts (that you shouldn’t have been receiving). At work you need to *shut down* his disrespectful crap. Get in the habit of confronting his ‘endearments’ with “That is inappropriate language.” And “Stop harassing me.” If he repeats, ever, complain to your supervisor, then to HR. “Putting up” with his nasty crap encourages him to continue.
As for ‘going back under his rock’, I doubt it. For now he likely got tired of things or found a distraction. Once he gets over his snit, though, he will likely be texting, or calling, or .. whatever. Remember - you are not hoping he gets the ‘hint’. You want him *gone*. That is a strong message - not a hint. Time will tell. Be vigilant.
@SuzieQ - Shoes don’t stretch, and guys don’t change. (At least, that was the way the song went.) Angry arguments do happen, but not often - angry arguments always mean someone has been disrespectful. I would worry - a lot - about ever seeing this guy again. Anger issues - whether his or yours - tend to escalate to real violence. The glass of wine was not just an argument stopper - you introduced violence into your relationship. This opens the door for more violence, because you “got away” with it, you will both likely feel there is permission (a need) to expect or act violently “if the situation comes up.” “If he makes me.”
You are a parent. Your son sees you being angry, striking out, allowing angry people around you. He will think that anger and acting out are normal and expected behaviors - and at some point he will be dating.
You don’t respect this guy, and he doesn’t respect you. The feelings of attachment, the hopes of comfort, the dread of not being wanted or having someone to share life with - they are unfortunately attached to an inappropriate guy. An EUM. The disrespect and violence between you will surely increase, the in-and-out sometimes presence of an intimate relationship in your son’s life sets a very strong example. You don’t need this guy to do you a favor - he needs to make some real value changes. And you can’t make that happen.
At the same time you picked this guy, and keep him by you. You might want to consider why you picked him, with his disrespect and deceit and retreats, instead of a healthy, well adjusted guy you could respect and trust, and depend on to be there all the time - a life mate.
Blessed be.
SuzieQ November 5th, 2008, 2:07 am
Brad, I agree with most of what you are saying. I did not throw the wine in front of my son. Usually when I go out with this guy we go out alone and I get a babysitter. He is too young and really hasn’t gotten attached to him for him to be effected by this relationship, but you are right - if I stay with him it could start to effect my son. You are also correct that anger issues are escalating with him. I guess I also stopped respecting him since he stopped respecting me. I stayed with him because he promised things would improve and then when they didn’t I became angry at him for wasting my time and not taking my feelings seriously.
I know that I have problems with picking emotionally unavailable men and I know that it stems from my childhood. I am working on these issues. I don’t intend to date anyone until I feel better about myself.
dazedandconfused November 5th, 2008, 4:45 am
SuzieQ thank you… went back to my gym tonight and there he was with her again. So while he told me this was just some girl he was using to my face, they are all couply now going through the exact same motions we did when at that gym together. It’s one thing to watch them move on, it’s another to watch them literally put another girl into your shoes. I am doing my best to be rational and tell myself that we looked happy together too but he was treating me like crap. Maybe he still takes off for 2 days at a time she just is more secure and doesn’t ask questions or does not care whereas my attachment issues caused me to worry all the time… either way I didn’t feel that was the relationship i was looking for where my boyfriend felt weekends were for going off alone constantly. We all need our alone time, this is the part I am working at getting better at but my gut always knew his was not about healthy alone time but about getting away from me to do god knows what.
As for what Brad is saying to you I do agree… I watched myself get to a point where I hated how out of control he made me. I read something recently which said “to forgive oneself is to know you would have done it better had you known how to.” You said something in your post to me about him exacerbating my paranoia… I was not “nuts” at the beginning but watched myself deteriorate as his lies and disappearances got worse and as I knew I felt trapped and desperate… he referred to me as desperate a lot actually. But then when they come back and pump you full of hot air only to let you deflate again… you get further and further from sanity thinking “just leave me if you don’t want to be here.” I spend my days now knowing he thinks of me as his crazy ex but having no way of showing him how insane his behaviour made me feel. Why did you dump me, say you still wanted to be with me and live with me after you sort your life out if you actually had a woman lined up? Just dump me that would have been enough. Why the need for these men to sugar coat? I am guessing it’s part of the keeping you on the hook still in case they feel they might need you again. I’m not sure he foresaw me turning around and calling him on all of it. I think he is very angry I stopped playing his game.
Oddly enough I am sure he likely thinks I would have snapped seeing him with the new girl, I can only hope that he notices that I did not react. I know, it should not matter, but I finally feel like I regained composure this week. It’s oddly because his showing up with this new girl and showing that he lied as I suspected I felt like I finally had “proof”.
Composure is amazing as it makes you realize you are back in control. Forgive yourself for the wine, as Brad said earlier certain people push us to retaliate. Abused people often become abusers as we drop to the level of those with whom we are dealing. Remove yourself from the situation so as to not to continue to drop to his level. It’s the best feeling when you realize you have taken back control… especially for someone like me whose only option at one point would have been to throw my cell into the ocean to stop me from calling or texting. It’s been on for 2 weeks now and I have not dialed his number once.
Good luck and thanks for the back and forth today.
sheila November 5th, 2008, 3:40 pm
dazedandconfused… SWITCH GYMS.. if you really want to move on you need to take action yourself.. why do that to yourself.. If you asked him not to bring her to the gym and he did, it should just clarify to you what an a hole he is…
dazedandconfused November 5th, 2008, 6:26 pm
Haha Sheila thank you! I am not letting him run me out of town. It was my gym, he has taken his gloves off because I stood up to him and after him telling me “he can get any woman he wants’ I decided to reminded him of his flaws and that he is not god’s gift. He didnt’ like that so much and is now fighting back. Facing is it hard… really hard. But, and I just posted this under the comments for the lastest post, I realize that maybe he is happy with her, maybe they are great together… but it’s not because he is this new found man and it was just me that turned him into a monster. My therapist reminded me that I am not that powerful a person. I look at them together and think hey maybe that works for them, maybe he doesn’t lie to her… but the only reason he does lie is because he gets pushed to do things that he doesnt’ like. So if she wants to do it all his way, a self proclaimed selfish man, then she can have him. I will see them together and keep my head up high and remind myself that he can’t drive me away. I feel embarrassed some days knowing “this guy has seen me at my worst” but I have seen him at his worst too, the only difference he feels no shame for his bad behaviour. This guy is not going to cause me to change accept into a better stronger person who he will certainly no longer be worthy of.
Seeing him with her is painful but it’s all about ego and his lying. He told me he was not ready for a relationship but here he is having one. Facing it though forces me to face what really bothers me about it… rejection. But really did I expect him to be alone for the rest of his life? No… did I want that sure… but it was unlikely. So I might as well embrace this fact, know that he is with someone else only a month after me and I am proud that I am alone and working on my own issues.
I will not run from this. My ego wants everyone to love me but that is not realistic. We did not work for whatever myriad of reasons… and he will work with another woman for a number of reasons most likely not because she has transformed him in to a better human being. Seeing them helps me to exercise patience, control and my rationality. I have not called or texted or lost control since this has happened. I am strong… and I look at this woman and say “you can have him.”
Cynnie November 13th, 2008, 4:47 am
Great post with excellent advice. Stay strong!
careuy November 24th, 2008, 6:59 am
I have asked myself this a million times in my life. Why do I fall for the assclowns? I know my worth. Its not like I do not. I know that I smart and I am beautiful and have talent and gifts. I know what I have but I meet the most assholes, freaken narcissistic sociopaths and I guess that is all I have ever met. My girlfriends are in love with their beauty and believe and are to some men, God’s gift to them. They use it and get engaged over and over again and then its like a trophy. Oh look, I got engaged again. What about you? First of all, I would not date those guys at the drop of a hat and I am not jealous. I am jealous of people who meet nice men and fall in love and have healthy relationships. I have dated them all. Every race, poor, rich, ugly, model, most popular guy. The most unpopular guy. I never found anything. Because I believe they were all so self absorbed to even notice anything I said. Or how I really felt, or if they even cared to notice how I feel? So I break it off most of the time because he has cheated or treated me badly or will not get married. I have guys who have broken up with me and used me and they do not want to talk to me but most of the time they come back in some way over and over again. And then the cycle starts again. And then they devalue you in the end because you are being used when you just want love. You think that they will love you again when they probably never could and thats not your fault. So with the recent boyfriend the cycle could have started again. But this time with therapy I was wiser. I tried to do differently. I treated him quite decently as I did with boyfriends I have had after I was 19. I did everything he wanted, I was extremely obedient to his wishes and desires, I was his best friend and girlfriend, I had so much compassion for him, I did not complain around him and always tried to boost his self esteem and cheer him up. We got each other through very difficult times. I learned from the beginning that he was a narcissist but my therapist helped me have a happy relationship with this. There were good and bad things but I was happy. I still love him. I probably always will. I felt terrible probably for no reason when he would come back then I would cut him off. Then call him again and he is there. And then cut it off again. I felt like a bitch. But I know he does not have the ability to love me or give to me or get married, and sure he is handsome and fun and we have a lot in common and are very compatible in many ways, if he will not commit to me then I simply cannot have you in any way. He does not deserve bad treatment anymore than I do. Even if I do know he is an assclown.
lisa November 25th, 2008, 10:24 am
This sounds so much like a girlfriend of mine. She broke up with her EUM over the summer and remained NC for 3 months.She started to feel better with herself and then Bang. Here hhe comes out of nowhere. Her being I guess still somehow attached to this man even after finding out that there was other people in the picture decided to take him back. Now she is back to square one with this man. They apparantly were supposed to see each other over the weekend and as usual he never showed up. Her response was to send him and email stating that she Refused to compete with another women and that when he was ready for a real relationship that he could look her up.
I told her she was a fool first of all to agree to see him. That the only reason he looked her up was because something went wrong elsewhere. That he’ll read the email and probably blow it off as she was upset and given time will try to connect with her again as he woun’t believe that what they have is over and that she still wants to continue doing whatever it is they do.
Bottom line is I told her to back to NC. It’s the only way.
Alika December 6th, 2008, 8:19 pm
Dear NML,
You are right yet again! This time I was strong and decided leave my EUM…I already told him few times that I am not happy, but he kept ignoring me and assured me that eveything is brilliant and he is happy with me…I am glad that it is over now…
Thanks GOD he left me alone and stopped calling me…I am going to concentrate on myself…
Rachel December 9th, 2008, 4:35 pm
Everyone, I have to tell you that I actually bought and down loaded the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fall back Girl….I could not take my eyes off the page it actually read like my life story. It was not easy to read and it brought up some surprising emotions that were kind of tough to deal with. I had to force myself to read about myself in some instances. I have always thought I was alone in my struggle with relationships but the book shed some serious light on how, when, and why I get my precious heart broken.
I broke up with my EUM about 4 weeks ago and was very heart broken but the book excellerated my recovery time by a huge amount. I am not fully recovered but I have a much better outlook knowing that an unavailable relationship in my life is not what I want. And it felt good to be a little angry for having wasted time rather than feeling sad that I did not get my man the way I wanted him. I read alot and I have never read anything so no nonsense, so to the point, and so right on the money for me to understand so many things. I realized I have been a Fallback Girl in all of my relationships. Its all common sense but it took the book to sort through what was going on and the biggest thing was that I am not alone.
At this point I am almost hyper-sensitive to being a Fallback girl but I think all of that will even out as I give myself time before getting into another relationship.
Gaynor December 9th, 2008, 5:08 pm
Concentrate on you, you’re the most important person in your life!!
Stay strong!!!!
Brad K. December 9th, 2008, 9:19 pm
Rachel, being wary of making the same mistakes is a healthy response. The cure is to learn to avoid all emotionally unavailable people, when you can, and to remain defensive about the EUM’s. As you gain confidence in yourself and your ability to avoid EUM’s, much of the sensitivity will assume a healthy balance.
Blessed be!
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum January 2nd, 2009, 6:04 am
Hey y’all I posted this on a different thread, but thought it most appropriate here.
Collected from the women’s bathroom at The Hole In the Wall, Austin TX:
No man is worth crying over, but the one who is won’t make you cry.