I recently spoke with a woman who had broken up with her boyfriend of a year a couple of months ago. He had been cheating on her for pretty much the majority of the relationship and she’d finally caught him out. When we caught up, she was still crying a lot and seemed really devastated which understandably you would be if you’d found out that your guy was a lowlife.
What was interesting though was why she was crying.
When I asked where her upset was rooted, I expected her to feel upset about the betrayal, the deceit, being taken for a fool etc but she was upset because she wasn’t with him anymore. She missed him. She thinks he’s “sexy, funny, and probably one of the best men I’ve ever met and now it’s over. What am I going to do?”
Is it just me that’s wondering if she’s on Relationship Crack? Or just plain ‘ole cracK?
I come across a lot of women shedding tears over their men but the reality is:
It’s one thing to cry over the betrayal and be angry about it. It is another to cry about the fact that you’re no longer with a cheat.
In fact, if you’re upset about the what he has done (or not done) and said (and not said) then at least you can progress to anger and move on from that and grieve the relationship and get over him.
If you’re crying because you’re not with a chump assclown and you miss his company/the sex/how he made you feel on his good days, you will sit in the land of limbo because crying about these things when there are bigger things to concern you about him suggests that you’ve got the reality of him and your relationship out of whack.
In fact, the likelihood is that if you’re indulging in the latter, you’ll be obsessing about him and the relationship and if you’re doing this, it means you’re placing yourself in the eye of the storm and putting the blame on yourself.
Was it me? Was I not good enough for him? What if I hadn’t said that thing on day 22 of the relationship? What if I hadn’t been so busy at work? Maybe I should have been more patient? Maybe I pressured him too much and he felt cornered? Did he cheat because I wasn’t giving him what he wanted?
Just like the way you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink; you can lead an assclown to your idea of what relationship you can have but if his hearts not in it and he has one or both feet out of the relationship, or his penis in someone else, nothing you say or do is going to make any real positive difference. Instead you’ll prolong the agony whilst you’re buying time to avoid making a decision.
I’ve cried a lot of tears and obsessed about the shoulda/woulda/coulda moments. Tears, upset, anger, a bit of blame, maybe a bit of shame are all expected when you break up with someone you’re emotionally invested in.
But…and there is a but – when you get treated poorly, you’ve gotta take off the blinders. This is why even though I have a trail of poor relationships in my past, I stopped going back because my head and heart may have been saying ‘But I’m crazy about him/We had a great connection/I miss him/I want him/Maybe I was a bit hasty’ and then reminders would pop into my head about the assclown behaviour and I’d hold that thought and suffer it out and get angry instead of getting teary and rejected.
When you get angry and get real about them, you reject them. Yeah you may feel rejected by their behaviour but if you get over them and you don’t go back to these chumps like they expect you to, the final rejection actually comes from YOU.
So if you’re crying, go on with your bad self and shed those tears but you’d better check in with yourself and double check why you’re crying. If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s an assclown, you need to do a reality check because the fact that he is an assclown is a signal to you that you’re barking up the wrong tree and that you need to find a way to get over him.
It’s always good to keep it real, even if it’s painful to look at because you can make progress and ensure you don’t fall back down a slippery slope.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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great place to be!!! just had my first tangle with a married man and it will be the last!!! but beyond that, he is/was just that unemotionally available, let alone physically very often. he had no intentions of anything… but in the long run his ego being stroked, certainly not mine and he knew how to accomplish that readily. all under the guise of i work so much, have so little time and of course the week ends were dedicated to his family. then there were the micro or big drama’s in his life for the reasons we couldnt meet. he even admitted to me he likes the game!!! i feel sooo sorry for all and any woman/girls that get tangled up with his self serving, huge ego,my life is crazy bullshit guy!!! i wish they wouldnt wreal us in, [i really fell hard for this guy... and it hurt like hell!!!] if guys want to fuck cant they just keep it at that ,with no chat…none of this friends bull shit!!!! DONT WANT TO HEAR YOUR CRAPPY LIFE, OR EXCUSES… fuck and leave….or just be friends and no fucking…depending on what the girl can handle…. BUT DONT MIX THE 2 MAKE THIGS COMLICATED, BLAME IT ON THE GIRL,GET YOUR EGO STROKED THEN PULL AWAY WHEN THE RULES CHANGE TO YOUR DISLIKING!!!! WHAT AN ASS, SURE WAY TO PISS OFF A GIRL!!! and why is your wife not happy mr.univailable!!??? this is new to me and this interests me!!!
I love your article. I’m missing my ex bollocks bastard and it’s been 2 weeks that I’m on NC. I never like this stage. However, I’m proud despite the pain and everything I manage to stay in the gym, do my kickboxing, still look after my self, and making my dreams come true.
I’m not instantly looking for a date, not sleeping around, not getting drunk. I’m still sorting my life. Listen to my break up song : Fighter by Christina Aguilera.
Yaarrrr, its now over 3 months NC and I’m having a little backslide, missing him, shedding tears. There was a show tonight, a band we both really loved and danced and danced to. They haven’t played in a couple of years, I wonder if he is there having a good time or remembering what a blast we had together, how could he not miss that, miss me?
Today is one of those I miss him so much days. Right. I know what the outcome will be…(misery)
What I’d like to know though, is what does a guy mean when he says “You expect too much from me.”
When he told me that I was hurt and confused and when I asked him to explain what he meant, he refused to answer.
“You expect too much from me”. Has anyone else been told this?
xoxox
A guy saying “You expect too much from me” basically means you want more than he is willing to give. Whether that is a commitment, monogamy, a ring, etc…….
It’s an a**hole comment that most women would never utter and guys have no problem doing it.
Hey there people. I think my ex put a patent on the phrase “You want a relationship with expectations!” and another one to look out for is, “I’m here aren’t I? in reference to when I’d confront him about his incompetence in the relationship, he’d tell me that since it was enough for him to just show up, it should have been enough for me too.
Remembering these phrases and the moments they were uttered still infuriate me. I can’t believe I didn’t just end it then and there.
Wahhh you have expectations of me wahhhh you expect me to treat this relationship like more than a gym class with an absent teacher..wahh…why is showing up not enough? wahhhhhhhhhh.
wow! the more I read this site, the more I feel one assclown went out there and created an assclown franchise! After three months of pretty much having a relationship with myself I feel damn good to be NC and away from him. He also definetly said “I feel I’m going to disappoint you, your expectations are so high.” I should have known he meant it when he said it and he was right.
I don’t know, I just come to this post when I start crying again. But it looks like it’s been a few weeks, so I guess that is progress. Just shy of 4 months no contact. Sometimes I just still can’t believe how he could just let me go after all we shared.
I needed to re read this post, I feel ridiculous that I cried over him last night… I fortunately didn’t weaken and contact him.. usually I just remind myself why I don’t have any contact with him and that is enough for my thoughts to move on… don’t know what it was last night 28 days have gone by now and most have been good days.. well i guess it is one day and we all have bad days.. re reading this post reminds me ass clowns are not worth tears… and that I can be strong and no contact him..
but i would like to know how others get through the struggle ?? any ideas or thoughts ??
It’s been 3 months and I still feel I miss my xEUM. I have not been dating. I have just been focusing on me and it feels good but every once in awhile I still think of him and miss him. I guess the puzzling thing is that why do I miss someone who was a cheat? Someone who lied and hurt me? I feel as though I still care for and love that part of him that I felt was “NORMAL” or the moments when I did feel we connected and that i could trust him. Does it ever go away? When these thoughts appear I remind myself of the bad which most definetely outweighs the good. I am sad… I guess sad because at times like this I do feel the urge of going back to him. Could it be that the more time passes I forget how bad I felt being in that relationship and somehow I think that I can handle it this time? Or that it wasn’t so bad? Im with you Tulipa I guess its the ebb and flow of getting over these types. Needless to say– I too would be curious to know how others get through this.
NML Says in this post: If it’s because you miss him and want him badly but he’s an assclown, you need to do a reality check because the fact that he is an assclown is a signal to you that you’re barking up the wrong tree and that you need to find a way to get over him.
MY QUESTION IS: HOW do you finally get over him??? its been 3months for me
Karen,
With more time you will miss him less and less, more importantly though, you will recognize that you deserve much better in your life. Ask yourself why you would ever want to settle for someone who lied, cheated and hurt you, you know this all boils down to self-esteem. If this were your sister or girlfriend would you want them to return to such a dysfunctional, hurtful relationship.
Goddammit, I’m back here again.
It has been nearly 8 months of NC, with the exception of, he can order my products off my website.
Today, for the second time, he left me empty boxes on my curb.
While we were together, it had been the practice that he would give me small cardboard boxes to mail my products to my customers. Recycling. Because of friends doing this, I don’t have to use new packaging.
But to find that pile on my curb means, 1) I have to think about him again, and 2) he came by my house!!!
I broke NC and emailed him this: “please don’t do that again. it’s weird and creepy, what if i had been at home in my front yard. it breaks my heart all over again, get lost, give your empty boxes to somebody else.”
Empty boxes is exactly what he has to give.
Now I must go block his email address.
Boo Hoo!
Getting rid of easy methods of contact is so important. Can’t block an email addy? Maybe your program has a bounce feature, that makes it appear that your email addy is now invalid. Very useful for NC, especially if done within a few minutes of receiving the message.
The EUM specializes in easy and lightweight non threatening contact – forwarding email jokes instead of writing thoughts, leaving messages instead of talking, dropping off boxes instead of face to face, …all lightweight and impersonal modes of communication.
We used to sit waiting for some meaningful and mutual validation of the relationship and it just did not happen. We now need to sit and wait for us to know, really know, that he cannot or will not engage in ways we want, those of a mature man. Though the truth is fully logical, it is sometimes hard to accept the truth.
Someone wrote elsewhere that her real goal is to finally be able to see him, look at him, even talk to him and see the truth; that he is not someone you really want at all. Keep on keeping on.
I just found this article and I can’t believe how much I totally relate to everyone. DazedandConfused again, we have some similarities to our situation. I am about 5 months NC with my EUM, but he said he loved me one day, then “cut me off” the next. He had a habit of “cutting me off” when he was in a bad mood or had a problem even unrelated to me. I told him to stop doing it, but he did it again and again. The last time he did it, he was hateful to me, I stood up for myself and said I am not going to tolerate his behavior. He cut me off again. I tried to text him, handed him a note, and finally walked down to his house (he is my neighbor) because I wanted him to tell me to my face he didn’t love me or wanted it to be over. The last thing he ever said to me besides that he didn’t want to talk to me, was “I have too much shit going on to deal with you.” I felt completely dumped, devastated, thrown to the curb, violated, etc. I just wanted that to go away because it ate at my self esteem and self worth and still does to this day. I have been on the opposite end of most everyone else, been the dumped, not the dumpee. I have cried and prayed for him to contact me, so I wouldn’t feel useless, unloved, and unimportant. He is my neighbor and i have to see him every day! Not only that, he took up with the woman across the street the same week he dumped me. I have felt so unworthy and so ashamed and so defeated.
He did text me after he said that to me and said that “it is not me, it is him, and he knows I care…” but that is it, no I love you, it was pretty impersonal. About 3 weeks later he texted me after hearing I was in an accident, but just said “wishing you well, heard about your accident, hope you are ok.” I didn’t respond to either text. So in reading this, it sounsd like I am actually the one who actually rejected him since I didn’t respond to his texts, although they didn’t indicate he wanted a reponse. But I have still continued to feel rejected and I don’t know, other than him contacting me to give me the upper hand back, what I can do to get over feeling so rejected. He pursued me for 4 years, were together about 7 months, then he rejected me. Makes NO SENSE!! So while I have been praying for contact from him, if not just to have the decision making process and upper hand restored to me, it seems that others who dumped their AC have the problem of the AC still trying to get them back, and part of me wishes that would happen to me, then part of me knows I would have a hard time dealing with his return. I am not sure which side is better to be on. But I will say, I really wish that he had not stolen my ability to decide what I wanted in our relationship, he decided for me, then dumped me on my ass. I really wish I had the choice to make the decision, and that would make me feel enpowered, increase my self esteem/dignity, and make things a bit easier for me. On the other hand, I would have to be strong enough to say NO to him, if he did contact me. I will always love him. But being in control of my life is really important to me, and he took that away from me and reduced me to trying to restore my dignity. I worry that he has the satisfaction of being the one to ruin my life and gets his willies knowing he can treat women however he wants…
Arrr, shedding tears again. Saw him at a show, it was a really great show other than that. Boo hoo! When do I get to not be in love with my Mr. Unavailable? We were together for 6 years, NC (other than the empty boxes for 7 months now. Why does he have to be so cute?
This is my first time here,love it !!,I was in the same situation and still trying to get over my ex EUM – its really helpful big time.
So so true – they break our hearts and mess up our lives and show absolutely no remorse for it. It always amazes me to see women who are successful and together in every other element of their lives except their derailed relationships – and I was one of those women. I have had almost two years on my own now to bolster myself up, understand the mistakes and understand myself. I have to say we were all in some way primed for these men – whether from childhood issues or just from absorbing the unspoken messages that women are supposed to please and pacify. It’s no good taking our emotions and behaviours out of context and not realising the culture that lead us to accept and excuse such lousy behaviour from men. We are not raised in a vaccuum – we grow up in a family where we get a myriad of unspoken assumptions about the role and expectations placed on women. I feel like I have been sold a lie and am just uncovering the truth now.
“When you get angry and get real about them, you reject them. Yeah you may feel rejected by their behaviour but if you get over them and you don’t go back to these chumps like they expect you to, the final rejection actually comes from YOU.”
“It’s always good to keep it real, even if it’s painful to look at because you can make progress and ensure you don’t fall back down a slippery slope.”
Thanks NML. There is such an important difference in reasons for shedding tears over an AC.
It’s been two years for me, and in the past, every time something happened with my eum/ac I cried and fretted because I wanted him back – I missed him and his attention. This time – which will be the last time – I’m am flipping pissed. It’s the only time I’ve ever really gotten angry with him. And it IS a huge difference to realize that his behavior is absolutely unacceptable to me! WHY in H would I want him? I feel incredibly dumb that I’ve put up with so much for so long, but I just didn’t see what I see now. Yeah, sometimes I want to talk to him, I have the urge to forgive him and be friends and get back to normal…but I know that I never will. When I think about actually hearing his voice and the inevitable lies and whining that come out of that hole, I cringe and want to punch him.
Yeah, he cheated and lied several times, he criticized me and damaged my self-esteem to pump himself up on a regular basis, and he left me multiple times and came back when it didn’t work out with other girls – and finally, slept with a good friend. And though I’ve been incredibly blind to all this in the past. I AM the one now who is rejecting him. And for GOOD. We will never be friends, and I will never think of him as a decent human being. And if he doesn’t already, the idiot SHOULD regret how he’s treated me, because he lost a great deal when he lost me.
Aargh, back here again. I went out on a date with a nice man who was interested in me, but y’know, he wasn’t him. So after we parted company, I boo hooed over my exEUM. Again, when do I get to not be in love with him. Otherwise, doing well, getting on with life, having fun, but if any tiny bit of him floats past my life, it’s back to heartbreak hotel. 8 months NC, except the boxes and the show, geez!
If you’re healing, why are you dating? is what NML would say.
Planet Jane, I envy you. My EUM never did anything to make me angry, he just did a slow fade out of my life, like it took him 6 years to decide that he was not really interested. I guess I could be angry at that, like don’t most of us know if we like somebody or not within a year or two?
Why am I here again? How long does this take?
Regina, I can’t help but feel I know your real first name and the sort of thing you sell on your website. Chances are that I am wrong but there’s SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many similarities with my ex-ass that I do wonder if you are his “ex I am no longer with” and who is “my best friend” … strangely enough, and since we all judge other people by our own motivations, I have always taken what he said at face value about them just being friends. Now I wonder though … if actually she was someone very hurt and being the fallback girl after all …
I think you need a reality check – they ARE cute and nice and sweet and funny when they are not in a position for you to expect anything from them. It’s a mask – and because they are so shallow they forget that perhaps you will remember things they said and did which they’ve lost track of …
I’m finding going to the gym really helps with the upset of it all. If I am crying now it’s (usually) cos I am hobbling like a woman of 90 after doing too much too soon
Butterfly, not exactly sure what you mean here but I am certainly not best friends with him, yea, I turned down the “friend card”…
I also have found lots of help in a very demanding exercise regimen, which also has the benefits of opening up to a new circle of friends.
And yes, I’m back today because of more tears. But really I’m getting downright bored with feeling heartbroken. This WILL change. But I wonder, maybe because our feelings are true and deep and not fickle, that is why it takes time to get over and move on. My head and heart were dialed to “forever” for this man, I just can’t turn it off like there was some reset button.
ExEUM sent me a message on FB. More tears. Yes I replied, saying no I didn’t want to be a contact on FB. Then deleted. More tears. It’s been 10 months NC except the last time in July I emailed him regarding the empty boxes: “please don’t do that again. it’s weird and creepy, what if i had been at home in my front yard. it breaks my heart all over again, get lost, give your empty boxes to somebody else.”
So, having read that in July, what makes him think I would want to be friends on FB? Is he trying to hurt me? Or just oblivious? I guess, like many EUM/Assclowns, they would feel a lot better about themselves if we accepted the friend card. That way they don’t have to feel bad about hurting us.
And he always seems to drop his little contact bombs when I’m PMSing or just starting my period!
Regina, i wonder if your ex EUM fits the criteria for being a sociopath?
Hi Sweetie, nah, he’s really a nice guy. I really mean that, he’s just not for me, sigh. Emotionally stunted or injured, whatever. Not malicious. Wow, this sounds remarkably close to forgiveness/acceptance, doesn’t it!
I still shed tears tho. But maybe I should mention at this point that I both laugh and cry very easily!
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