So What is Commitment-Phobia?
May 15, 2007 by NML
Whilst writing my book The Mr Unavailable Guide (working title), I am writing a lot about the issue of commitment-phobia and it’s stranglehold on relationships. I come across so many women (and men) who engage in such self-destructive behaviour and who clearly exhibit a fear of commitment, yet many of these people don’t acknowledge that they have any issues and believe that they are just being dealt a bad hand in relationships, and that they have no control over what’s happening. It’s quite the opposite…
In my book I write:
“If you experience commitment-phobia about relationships, you have disproportionate fears and beliefs that prevent you from being able to fully commit yourself to a relationship. You are essentially afraid of promising or vowing to either be with a person or in a relationship with them. You literally avoid commitment, or sabotage and stall the processes that bring it about.
Unlike other phobia’s where there are clear, obvious signs of distress when confronted with the fear - such as when someone has a phobia of spiders, water, lack of space, people, buttons - you aren’t necessarily going to have an overt reaction when confronted with a man or the possibility of a relationship and freak out, breaking out in a sweat, panic attack, or running for the hills!
Instead, commitment-phobe’s tend to engage in subtle and not so subtle, conscious and subconscious actions that sabotage opportunities, relationships and situations that may place them in the zone of having to realise the fear of committing. Often these actions are in direct conflict with aspirations and desires that are verbally expressed or desired, but as with everything, actions do speak louder than words.
Many commitment-phobe’s are the last of the great pretenders, talking a very good game, making all the right noises and apparently leading lives that appear to be in contradiction with commitment-phobia. They are kings and queens of the quiet agenda. It’s not the domain of resolutely single people though; commitment-phobe’s are dating, in relationships, engaged, married, and in between and seemingly seeking someone. Commitment-phobia doesn’t affect one type of person or situation. It can affect anyone and varies to lesser or greater extents. Most commitment-phobia can be overcome…but only if the commitment-phobe truly wants to.”
I’m not one for advocating the single, attached, or married life, but I very much advocate that whatever choice you make, you make it from a positive place. Instead, I am constantly finding that people are choosing their relationship status based on fear, insecurity, and beliefs and disbeliefs they have about that status in the context of their lives. Being single because you fear opening up to someone or relinquishing your ‘freedom’ is just as bad as being attached because you’re afraid to be alone, or married to any old Joe because you believe marriage, any marriage, is better than being perceived as some sort of failure.
Relationship status is just that, a status, yet people do define and measure the quality of their life against it. This means that a fear of commitment can permeate very negatively into every area of your life.
So what next? Well of course I’ll have to do a separate post on how to stop being afraid of commitment, but in the meantime I suggest that you take some time out to get real with yourself. List your relationships (or if you’re a serial dater, your dates) and look for common themes and patterns – how you met, why you chose to be with them, what were the negatives, the positives, how did you feel with them, were you The Other Woman, was he emotionally unavailable, did you do things that in hindsight brought about the demise of the relationship, why and how did you break up, do you still sleep with any of these people, do you still maintain contact etc.
Ask yourself if you know what you’re afraid of. What are your views on commitment, love, relationships? Are there any strong beliefs or disbeliefs you have about them? Write down the positive and negative points about your relationship with each parent and check that there is no correlation between that and the people that you date. What are your goals in the short, medium and long term and are you living the life you say you want to lead? If not, why not?
Look at it as Crime Scene Investigation! Examine the evidence to lead you to the answer.
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Yup… that’s me… I am very good at not commiting. Now I am in a fantastic relationship with a man who also is good at not commiting. Somehow we have been able to commit to each other, yet neither one of us will admit it.
Hey it works!
[...] some very good insights, and writes well on Baggage Reclaim. Today is no different, on dealing with Commitment Phobia (his and [...]
I am on the other side of the relationship…I am involved with someone I love very dearly who is a classic commiitment phobic. Our relationship is a constant emotional rollercoaster and unfortunately I am the one who suffers. I’m sure anyone who reads this asks “why do you stay if you know this”? I ask myself this same thing very frequently. The answer to that is I know without a doubt that he loves me. We have both been divorced and neither of us are looking to remarry. When our relationship is “on” it’s the great. We have been best friends for three years, our “relationship” only started a year ago. He struggles with “us” and recognizes the fact that committment of any kind is difficult for him but he hangs in there. When I detect that he is struggling I give him the space that he needs to figure things out, I never put any pressure on him. Friends ask me why do you stay, you have nothing binding you two together. That is furthest from the truth…he has my heart.
I wish to ask Susan a question please. (I hope she is reading and is able to reply; if not then anyone reading this, who can answer, please do so, I would really like your views)
Susan, you were friends with this man for so many years before your ‘relationship’ started - who made the first move and crossed that only friends boundary? I am in a similar position, but I admire from afar, afraid that by telling him that I love him deeply he may reject my love and that this would go on to ruin our friendship.
Can anyone help on this please?
I have recently been involved with a person, who may be a CP, for 2 years. We’ve steadily been off and on, lately moreso on. He’s been, seeming, to make efforts to bring us closer but once he offered for us to move in together and I agreed, things drastically went downhill from there. We’ve been arguing. He’s been critizing me and bringing all these faults, he’s found about me to my attention. It’s been a complete change, like night and day. I went away for business for a week and broke it off with him. When I got back, I did not speak to him for another week and then he pleaded to see me. I was a little apprehensive and did not meet with him. Now he’s completely shut down and will not return any of my calls or messages. Does this sound like classic CP behavior or a man playing games?