Following on from part one of my 10 Christmas survival tips for the heartbroken and assclown and Mr Unavailable lovers, here are my last five tips:
6. Get a life
It is easy to put yourself in park when you are already the type of person who bases their existence on the man in their life. No matter what time of year it is, it’s never a good idea to put your life on hold for a man or to grieve one (especially if he’s a dipstick) but it’s also not a good idea to believe the sun, moon, and stars come out of his arse. Why? Well aside from the obvious truth that they don’t, if you don’t have a life unless a man is in it, you will end up equating him just as much with your happiness as you do with your misery. If you’ve let friends, family, and even the relationship with your kids take a bit of a knock because of your relationship escapades, this is as good a time as any to refocus your efforts. Trust me…to do anything that is about the guy is like peeing into the wind and chucking everything you have down a black hole.
7. If he makes contact with you, ask what he wants
The easy route is to hear from one of these guys and jump to conclusions and start building sandcastles in the sky. ‘He sent me a text message… He’s obviously missing me and wants to get back together’ you start thinking. Suddenly you’re shaving your legs, rescheduling plans, and fantasising. Er..guess again!
I don’t give a monkey’s that it’s Christmas. Ask him what he wants. If he calls you, turns up on the doorstep, sends you a message in a bottle, or pops up on IM, ask him what he wants.
‘I just wanted to say merry Christmas…’ he says.
‘Thanks. Merry Christmas to you too. OK well thanks for calling…’ you say as you’re about to hang up.
‘Woah, woah! What’s the rush?’ he asks.
‘X, in case you’ve forgotten, we’ve broken up…’ you reply.
‘But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends…you know…because I was kind of thinking we could hang out together later….’ he says pretend hesitantly.
‘Hang out? What does that mean?’
‘No I don’t know… Are you suggesting that we get back together?’
‘i…er…I…er…oh for effs sake! Can’t we just have a bit of fun?!’ he says exasperated.
And bingo! now you know what he wants. I’ll put it this way – what you want and he want are highly unlikely to be the same. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you’re getting back together when he thinks he’s hooking up or just ‘being nice’ so he can get an ego stroke!
The key is not to assume. Ask questions and get firm answers and do not pass go without doing so. You will spare yourself any further pain or even humiliation.
8. Pass up stroking his ego and start stroking your own
Whatever energy you have been directing at him, turn it back on yourself and start focusing on making you feel good. Spending your time obsessing and devoting your thoughts to him just keeps you in the pit of misery and no matter how much you think you want to wallow in there, don’t. Be kind to yourself and be compassionate instead of riding your own arse like Zorro about ‘mistakes’ that you’ve made and analysing the past. Start treating yourself and thinking of you as much as you do him and even though it is hard, fake it till you feel it. The more you do for yourself and the more you think of yourself (in a positive light) is the more your self-esteem rises. Trust me, whilst loving him often feels bad, loving you feels good and it also heals and prepares you for welcoming a real man who will put both of his feet in the relationship and value you for who you are.
9. If you keep feeling nostalgic or on the brink of temptation, start getting statistical
When it comes to heartbreak and loving chumps, your imagination is far too harsh on you and far too kind to them. Before you give into nostalgia and write yourself a brilliant ending to your fairy tale, start dealing in cold, hard facts.
Work out how long you’ve been together for and when the good times/hot phase ended. You would be amazed at the glass is half full mentality of women that lets us forget that we’ve been with a man for a year yet it’s been blood sweat and tears for 9 months. Yes…that means it’s been misery city for 75% of your relationship…
Write down his most recent attempts at contact or meeting up with you and wrk out what the true nature of his actions for.The likely reasons:
a) ego stroke
b) checking to make sure you haven’t moved on
d) all of the above
Remember, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it is a duck.
That means if he calls up, makes small talk, then you end up meeting up for a shag, then things return to the same shitty ways, that’s because he is using you for sex.
That means if he calls up, gets an ego stroke, promises to call…and then doesn’t…it’d because he got what he wanted – an ego stroke, the assurance that the door is still open and that you still haven’t wisened up to what a chump he is, and proof that he can get on with his life as normal and come back when he needs his next ego stroke.
It’s not because you’re irresistible and it’s not because he really wants to be a better guy but just hasn’t found his way to it. It is what it is.
10. Use the festive season to give yourself the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate
There is no benefit to you to sit there beating yourself up about your relationship choices. You’re human, you f*ck up, and you trust too much in the wrong things and not enough in the right things. Yes you could chastise yourself for not seeing him for what he was but what will that do? Is it going to achieve anything? Er no… It’s just an opportunity to blame yourself and avoid doing something about your life. You can’t change what’s happened but you can ensure that you counteract what has happened by treating yourself better and learning more about you and your choices so that you can avoid going down the same path. Knowledge is power. Forgiveness is power and I’ll put it this way – if you can forgive a guy so easily, you should certainly be able to cut yourself some slack!
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to you all! Love Natalie/NML x
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