Following on from part one of my 10 Christmas survival tips for the heartbroken and assclown and Mr Unavailable lovers, here are my last five tips:
6. Get a life
It is easy to put yourself in park when you are already the type of person who bases their existence on the man in their life. No matter what time of year it is, it’s never a good idea to put your life on hold for a man or to grieve one (especially if he’s a dipstick) but it’s also not a good idea to believe the sun, moon, and stars come out of his arse. Why? Well aside from the obvious truth that they don’t, if you don’t have a life unless a man is in it, you will end up equating him just as much with your happiness as you do with your misery. If you’ve let friends, family, and even the relationship with your kids take a bit of a knock because of your relationship escapades, this is as good a time as any to refocus your efforts. Trust me…to do anything that is about the guy is like peeing into the wind and chucking everything you have down a black hole.
7. If he makes contact with you, ask what he wants
The easy route is to hear from one of these guys and jump to conclusions and start building sandcastles in the sky. ‘He sent me a text message… He’s obviously missing me and wants to get back together’ you start thinking. Suddenly you’re shaving your legs, rescheduling plans, and fantasising. Er..guess again!
I don’t give a monkey’s that it’s Christmas. Ask him what he wants. If he calls you, turns up on the doorstep, sends you a message in a bottle, or pops up on IM, ask him what he wants.
‘I just wanted to say merry Christmas…’ he says.
‘Thanks. Merry Christmas to you too. OK well thanks for calling…’ you say as you’re about to hang up.
‘Woah, woah! What’s the rush?’ he asks.
‘X, in case you’ve forgotten, we’ve broken up…’ you reply.
‘But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends…you know…because I was kind of thinking we could hang out together later….’ he says pretend hesitantly.
‘Hang out? What does that mean?’
‘You know…’
‘No I don’t know… Are you suggesting that we get back together?’
‘i…er…I…er…oh for effs sake! Can’t we just have a bit of fun?!’ he says exasperated.
And bingo! now you know what he wants. I’ll put it this way – what you want and he want are highly unlikely to be the same. Don’t make the mistake of believing that you’re getting back together when he thinks he’s hooking up or just ‘being nice’ so he can get an ego stroke!
The key is not to assume. Ask questions and get firm answers and do not pass go without doing so. You will spare yourself any further pain or even humiliation.
8. Pass up stroking his ego and start stroking your own
Whatever energy you have been directing at him, turn it back on yourself and start focusing on making you feel good. Spending your time obsessing and devoting your thoughts to him just keeps you in the pit of misery and no matter how much you think you want to wallow in there, don’t. Be kind to yourself and be compassionate instead of riding your own arse like Zorro about ‘mistakes’ that you’ve made and analysing the past. Start treating yourself and thinking of you as much as you do him and even though it is hard, fake it till you feel it. The more you do for yourself and the more you think of yourself (in a positive light) is the more your self-esteem rises. Trust me, whilst loving him often feels bad, loving you feels good and it also heals and prepares you for welcoming a real man who will put both of his feet in the relationship and value you for who you are.
9. If you keep feeling nostalgic or on the brink of temptation, start getting statistical
When it comes to heartbreak and loving chumps, your imagination is far too harsh on you and far too kind to them. Before you give into nostalgia and write yourself a brilliant ending to your fairy tale, start dealing in cold, hard facts.
Work out how long you’ve been together for and when the good times/hot phase ended. You would be amazed at the glass is half full mentality of women that lets us forget that we’ve been with a man for a year yet it’s been blood sweat and tears for 9 months. Yes…that means it’s been misery city for 75% of your relationship…
Write down his most recent attempts at contact or meeting up with you and wrk out what the true nature of his actions for.The likely reasons:
a) ego stroke
b) checking to make sure you haven’t moved on
c) shag
d) all of the above
Remember, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it is a duck.
That means if he calls up, makes small talk, then you end up meeting up for a shag, then things return to the same shitty ways, that’s because he is using you for sex.
That means if he calls up, gets an ego stroke, promises to call…and then doesn’t…it’d because he got what he wanted – an ego stroke, the assurance that the door is still open and that you still haven’t wisened up to what a chump he is, and proof that he can get on with his life as normal and come back when he needs his next ego stroke.
It’s not because you’re irresistible and it’s not because he really wants to be a better guy but just hasn’t found his way to it. It is what it is.
10. Use the festive season to give yourself the gift of forgiveness and a clean slate
There is no benefit to you to sit there beating yourself up about your relationship choices. You’re human, you f*ck up, and you trust too much in the wrong things and not enough in the right things. Yes you could chastise yourself for not seeing him for what he was but what will that do? Is it going to achieve anything? Er no… It’s just an opportunity to blame yourself and avoid doing something about your life. You can’t change what’s happened but you can ensure that you counteract what has happened by treating yourself better and learning more about you and your choices so that you can avoid going down the same path. Knowledge is power. Forgiveness is power and I’ll put it this way – if you can forgive a guy so easily, you should certainly be able to cut yourself some slack!
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to you all! Love Natalie/NML x
Your thoughts?
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I’ve read
Of course it’s hard Finally, breaking up is hard to do, I was miserable for the first couple of weeks, beyond miserable, manic and I was the one that instituted the No Contact, read my posts on here. During this time I have started taking a look at my life and how similar all the men in my life had been, this one just happen to give me that “ephiphany” moment and then I started to focus on me and what it was about me that I kept attracting EUM’s.
Now I am not saying that all of you have had one bad relationship after another, as I have, but at this point in my life I sure want to avoid it going forward and today, this hour, this minute, I am not on a yoyo string, I really don’t care a rat’s ***ss what he is doing or who he is doing it with. Does he creep up in my mind occasionally? Yes, it passes quickly when I think back to how bad it was and how I felt everytime I would return one of his texts and not get a return text, if at all, for a week or longer or only communicating by text or im, it reminds me that I would have had a better relationship with a brick wall. I am feeling good, as a matter of fact I’ve been on a few good dates and certainly approaching dating thing in a totally different manner……..Gail
I just had one other thought/question on this subject.
Why bother with No contact if you are trying to manipulate someone into coming back to you? Why not just have another or one more conversation with your partner and see how that works for you?
If it’s just a spat, your partner is in the relationship with you and it’s something that you can work out why bother with the No Contact Rule?
Just wondering….Gail
I have had good days and really bad days in the last 40 days of NC that I instituted. Doing research and reading the posts has kept me very strong and very focused on staying the course. I too have been the common denominator in a string of bad relationships… I too want it to stop. Life goes so fast and to be mixed up with someone who takes the best of you, and leaves you with lines on your face and a heart that is incredibly bruised is not worth your precious time.
What finally hit home was when a friend asked me once when things were going good with my EUM…..”Has it all been worth it?” I had to stop and think …… hell no it was not worth it! the best of times never out weighed the worst of times with him. It was after that question that the next time he pulled a stunt I was over it and I said to myself “I have had enough!” I wrote him one line in an email that said. Its not working for me anymore. and that started NC. He has tried to contact me a couple of times and I do not acknowledge. I am sure he will try again but I am moving on to a healthier lifestyle. Thanks to you all. I feel healthier and stonger than I have in a long time. I am in control now no one can take the knowledge I have gained from this site.
Gail,
Usually when NC is implemented-by dumpee- in a normal relationship it is a result of someone not certain about a commitment, wanting to be friends after a breakup or unsure of feelings. The main purpose is for healing but some will implement to make the unsure partner realize how important the other was to their lives. If you’re always available as a friend they will not have the opportunity to miss you and will likely move on.
I hope that wasn’t jumbled.
Browneyes, things will get better. It does feel like the end of the world when you end things with an EUM, because you become so emotionally invested and it’s literally breaking an addiction.
nikki,,thanks at least someone on here acknowedged my plea for help lol
they say time is a healer i only hope that is true.
also why dont any of you on here bar your exes numbers from calling or texting you,that way when your strong and having a good phase they cant bring you down with their meaningless pathetic efforts
Unfortunately, EUMS not going to change, I tried twice NC, and later came back to him after his calls and messages…and believe me, girls, nothing had changed…still the same story! I started again NCR, but I dont know if it last…I became EUM myself…I had five dates with five guys and all of them want to date me and I dont…still dream about my ex!!! What is wrong with me??? I probably used to EUMS behaviour, that I cant accept normal relationship?!
high five girls we can shed them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
clement i take it your comment was for my benefit,grow up girl,was tying to be helpful not patronise anyone unlike your kind self,
nice welccome to a new comer by the way,you must be so proud.
Hi browneyes, Just take out all the things that are helpful to you’re situation. Stay strong with NC and keep coming back to this wonderful site for all the help and understanding that you need.
Newcomers are always welcome, I’m relatively new myself and have never been made to feel unwelcome.
Christmas is a hard time for us all but look fowrard and not back.
Happy New Year everyone X
Thankyou honeyshy,have only started nc today as i cant seem to let go although he seems to have cracked it,so i will do my best and hopefully have a new year alot better than this one
Happy New Year to everyone
Happy New Years to everyone!
Happy New Year — here is to being wiser.
Browneyes, You’ve got to believe that you’re worth more than the dregs of his time and attention. Stick stick stick with NC! I kept my MM’s number in my phone so I knew it was him and I knew to ignore it – and I did – and eventually it stopped ringing. And yes, it was so hard not to think ‘well maybe this time will be different’ it would’nt be different….. same shite different day – as the saying goes…
Good luck – his loss…………
About 2 months ago I became emotionally involved with a married man. I was lucky enough to come across this website and it has been a true blessing. He exhibited the classic signs of an unavailable man, text msgs., blowing hot/cold, lame excuses, etc. I tried NC and immediately felt better. He sent a text after 6 days of NC and I fell back into the dysfunctional routine. Luckily, I pulled myself together and told him, I wasn’t doing this anymore and I was not in the position to be “friends” with him, It has been a week and I feel strong and healthy. No regrets, I’m actually glad it happened because I found this fabulous website and it has really empowered me. While I never slept with him, I did let him get in my head. I have no desire to contact him ever again. To all you women out there wrapped up emotionally and physically in these men, please follow NM:’s advice and OPT OUT!!! Happy New Year to everyone!!
Thanks Jae! Why it seems easier for some of us than others is a mystery. I still had tears rolling down my cheeks this morning on my way to work. It has to end and soon I am so tired of wanting him and yet knowing he is so wrong for me.
Rachel,
it’s still fresh for you. With time when the anger sets in and you get yourself back completely things will seem much easier. You’ll be there sooner than you think.
Thank You Gaynor..You have been a huge help.
new year and fresh start hopefully for us all,thankyou to all who are getting me through the hard times xx
I’m still struggling…I know the reality of him is he’s no good and a selfish a**clown…I have to realize give my self esteem a boost and realize that what he does, did in the past and tries to do in the future should have no bearing on my self esteem, who I am and how I view myself…I have to realize how utterly dysfunctional and not normal he is and that trying to make sense of him doesn’t work. The only thing that works is moving on and NC. I have to start the New Year with positive thoughts about myself and focus on me. Happy New Year everyone!
Rachel, I am with you, still shedding tears for my exEUM after two month + of No Contact, but here, I just remembered a great graffitto I saw in the Hole In the Wall in Austin TX:
No man is worth crying over, but the one who is won’t make you cry.
Happy New Year y’all!
Oh so true Regina! That truly hit home,
I too always wanted to know why for some people they could just move on and others couldn’t or took a lot longer or kept going back or couldn’t let go .. I recently came across a book that answers a lot of these questions .. called Obessive Love by Susan Forward.. very insightful and helpful for those interested in extra resources..
I was recently speaking to a girlfriend of mine and she once again brought up the idiot that she has been dealing with for quite some time. Telling me that she doesn’t understand why he does the things he does like blowing hot and cold,pulling disappearing acts etc.. all the way up to the most recent comment that stemmed from he sending him an email saying that with the New Year change must take place. I don’t think she expected to get the response she got but she got it. She told me that he said that “it was best that they go their separate ways because he could give her what she wanted or deserved and that he needed to be fair about this” and he would always remember the times they had over the years.
So she asked me what I thought about all of this and I told her that all along he was no good and for her to move on find someone who is deserving of who she is and wants to do the right thing. This guy isn’t going to do this. That all he wants is what he can get from her and anybody else that is willing to do the same. That he isn’t about forming a solid relationship with anyone and it’s all about playing a very twisted mind game with her and lord knows how many other people. That telling her it was best for them to go their separate ways was the easy way out for him because it would be to hard to try to form anything solid.
I also told her that now the ball is back in her court to either agree with separating and moving on or she can keep agreeing to see him under the present set of circumstances knowing that things may never change and continue to waste precious time when she could be out looking for a better man than him.
She also asked me if based on his recent comment would she hear back from him. I said why in the world would you want to. I told her he has said lound and clear that he doesn’t want any kind of solid relationship with you or anybody else so why would you settle for just a once in awhile roll in the sack?
I did tell her that she would hear from him again inspite of his comment of wanting to let her go. It’s all up to her now. This is what he is waiting to hear. In the back of his mind he hopes that she will continue to keep seeing him.
Did I give her the right advice as a friend? Does anybody else think this man will look her up again as I think he will?
You gave her the right advice. This is just a game these ass clowns play knowing she will not leave him alone…but his statement gives him a license to be an ass to her. Basically he is saying to her “Take the crumbs I give you or get out because I do not want to give you anymore than that” He is telling her he can live without her unless she wants to jump in the sack with him once in a while.
By agreeing with her he knows he hurt her and this type of guy likes hurting women and bringing them to their knees over him. Suggest she take the I am stupid sign off and start living her life without someone who only feeds her when HE is hungry.
Hey Lisa. You definitely gave her the right advice – I am going to use this subject as the theme for today’s post because it is one of the most frequent questions and as you rightly pointed out, it’s what Fallback Girls love to get hung up on…but for the wrong reasons! x
I agree. When I told my guy to not get in touch any more, he didn’t. And I was disappointed, because I wanted him to, and wanted him to come back saying he’d changed (as if!!!!) But men generally do what they say they will, particularly when you ask them to! So she needs to be rid of him, for sure.
Lisa,no, she won’t hear from him, unless SHE makes the contact (Let’s hope she doesn’t) and then the game is back on and it will be worse because now she would really be chasing him and no boundaries for him. Yeah, no EUM can resist that offer
I am just saying no he won’t make contact, we don’t know yet what he will do. Lisa, you gave her good advice and hpefully she will leave him alone.
years down the road she may hear from him if he can’t find anybody else.
Rachel
I will assume based on your post regarding my friend that you believe this fool(and really wish she would recognize him for what he is a fool) will eventually contact her? Because when she sent me the email he sent to her he uses the word Maybe as the first word in the sentence that tells her about going their separate ways. This let’s me know only because I am an outsider and have no emotional investment that the man is very unsure if this is the route he really wants to take with her. If he were absolutly sure about this he would have said something to the effect of you need to move on and forget about me or it’s over i never want to see you again.
This is why I believe he is waiting for her to either agree with what he has said and move on or she’ll just tell him that they can continue with what is currently going on.
Lisa,
Thats how I read it … these guys love drama they love having a woman in misery. Its like he dumped her before she could dump him… His comment to her put him in control more than it gave her control. “it was best that they go their separate ways because he could give her what she wanted or deserved and that he needed to be fair about this” and he would always remember the times they had over the years. Talk about tugging on the heart strings! She really ought to call his BLUFF and not contact him for any reason – to agree or disagree for he is waiting for a response. For once she should take him at his word and be done with this clown. IF she goes back for closure she will end up feeling really empty. He will make her feel as if she is too demanding or needy or what have you. Its not worth it he will get one shot in at makeing her feel like crap.
Lisa,
To answer your question more directly ….. I think that when she does not respond he will contact her eventually just to get a stroke. Just to see if she still thinks about him. He is expecting to hear from her again in my opinion. When he does not he will throw out some bait eventually.
Lisa, NML ‘s post from today explains it all. Make sure your friend reads it.
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