Welcome back! Have you got my ebooks - The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl? Also become a fan of Baggage Reclaim on Facebook, follow me onTwitter, and join the forum.
I often get asked what the danger signals are with men and I point out the key ones in my post on red flags (print and keep if you are drawn to assclowns) and how to spot emotionally unavailable men (print out and keep if you tend to be drawn to the emotionally stunted), but that doesn’t stop many readers from looking for loopholes and making excuses. One of the danger zones is about how your man communicates with you:
Let me be clear. Nobody, and I really do mean no-frickin-body is soooo busy that they can only manage to text, email or instant message you.
Nobody is so busy that they can only bring themselves to call you when they need an ego massage or a shag. If they can call you for a shag or an ego stroke, they’ve got time!
When a man relies primarily on text messaging, instant messenger, and email for communicating with you, it’s not because he’s a new age man, it’s not because the written word is his tool, and it’s not because he is trying to manage his time effectively.
He is a tool! He is using ‘new’ forms of communication to control you and how often you both correspond so that he can control the relationship. He wants to keep at a distance, and it’s likely that he’s emotionally unavailable, an assclown, or both.
He is LAZY! When a man is too lazy to communicate with you properly, why waste the air you breathe on him? Trust me, if lazy communication exists in your relationship, there are other problems lingering there just waiting for you to open up Pandora’s box.
Whatever excuses you’ve been making about why you both spend so much time texting or online – STOP! You are either saying bullsh*t to avoid the reality of him or repeating things that he has given you as an excuse for his rubbish relationship behaviour.
Have you ever spent loads of time analysing an email? I have!
Have you ever reread a text trying to gauge the meaning or read waaay more into it?
Have you spent ages agonising over when he’s going to respond to these forms of communication?
Have you wonder why you have to have conversations with him in a series of symbols and flirty IM”s even though you’ve been with him for 18 months?
Wondering if he has a wife or girlfriend stashed away?
Wondering why it took him so long to respond yet you know he’s been active within on his regular dating site because it says so?
Have you ever looked back on your ‘relationship’ and suddenly realised that you rarely spoke with each other in between meeting up?
Texting, instant messaging, and email are all open to interpretation and it’s very easy to misconstrue tone. If he relies on these means of communicating, you will build sandcastles in the sky because really, when you spend your time reading into things, you can make it any relationship that you want!
It’s one thing if he uses these forms of communication as secondary ways of communicating with you in conjunction with picking up the phone and seeing you face to face, but I certainly would not accept these means as your primary method of communication.
Men who don’t make an effort and who aren’t interested in forging a proper relationship with you will opt for these lazy forms of communication.
You may start out this way, particularly if you meet online but he should want to progress the conversation and let you into his life and quite frankly, men that keep you out are lazy communicators, lazy dates, and even lazier pseudo ‘boyfriends’.
You don’t need to work out the why’s, where’s and how’s and I certainly would not go down the route of trying to force him to communicate with you via other means – why should you have to force him to do something that comes naturally to people who actually want to have a relationship and want to put both feet in?
If this is the type of man you have, consider it a danger warning and start looking at your relationship in a more real light.
So in summary, if he doesn’t progress from these forms of communication – it’s a danger signal, period. If you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what he meant by his latest ‘message’, it means you’re not communicating directly enough and I would also take this as a mega warning signal.
If he only makes contact with you on an ad hoc basis – often when he wants or needs something – and then disappears till his next one line text message or stupid email, danger alert!
If you’re with a guy like this, you need to be asking yourself why you’re prepared to accept virtual crumbs…
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
{ 108 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
Ernesta, There are times when we have the luxury of being a caring person, of helping to heal those in need.
But selecting a mate is not one of those times. If you want to build a home, with a long term relationship, there are some essentials that have to be there – someone that heals and supports you, that you share joy with. You have to have respect and honesty and compassion, and loyalty between you. And he lacks respect and honor.
Please take time to find yourself. Time to find why you confused helping an injured man with finding a partner. Time to understand why you were almost ready to accept disrespect in your home.
And you are right, grieving for someone we lose from our lives always hurts.
Blessed be.
I was wondering why I never came across this post and I think it was during my – “this is gonna work out no matter what” period. Coming here only opened up the reality box and I wasn’t having it. Well, here I am now – day 19 of NC – after what will be our final break up.
The AC and I practically LIVED on Instant Messenger. That was practically the only way we communicated. Part of it in the beginning was my fault … he did call, but I have phone-phobia and he quit trying to get me to talk. So we ended up texting at first, then moved on to IMs.
He has broken up with me via text, email and IM – never once to my face. He broke up with me on the phone a couple of times too. Geez, all this breaking up and I still didnt get the message!
Well, it’s okay b/c I got it now. For over 2 years I gave him my love and he just kept saying, No thanks. I’m sick of trying and I’m done. I never realized out impersonal our communications were and it explains constant upsets and fights b/c anything can be read into words written with no body attached.
Hi Annied,
I agree, this strange new world of communications seems to complicate an already complicated world of relationships.
Sorry if I sound naive, but, a real relationship happens face to face. Period. This whole phenomenon of social networking sites and IMing and texting are truly just distractions and excuses from the task at hand. If that is how we are communicating, it is not real. There is a reason why the word “real” is in “real”lationships. Best to you.
Real relationships are about actions, what we actually do and not the potential that we can see – a committed relationship is not about distraction and feelings of excitement and clever dialogue… realising this has given me my life back and helped me understand how being in many different types of relationships with many EUM throughout my life.. the first being my father… has allowed me to protect myself from facing aspects of my own EU character – my husband and I now have something to work with – so I thank Grant, hopefully the last EUM I will need to spend emotional energy on… he truly is my soul mate and I wish him peace and true love
Annied, you said “For over 2 years I gave him my love and he just kept saying, No thanks”
This is just so profound and is resonating over and over in my head.
Cheers
Gaynor
The reason why he was acting interested in the beginning is because you positioned yourself as a woman who “didn’t want anything serious” — you said you were an EUW but what comes along with being so is, we and they get hooked on the illusion of the man saying that he wants a committed relationship and is in love with us but we know in the pitt of our stomach that it’s not real because the two of you are dating in this dysfunctional attraction of you both being unavailable and attracted to eachother when one blows hot and the other cold, it never matches up and never will. The relationship only exists because of the unavailability at the core and if one or both of you got healthy and ready for a relationship; you may or may not be interested in dating that person, or attracted giving another time/place/situation in the present.
I have been an emotionally unavailable woman and for some reason when the man said he wanted to be serious (on very loose terms usually) or expressed (shallow) feelings — I would love getting into the drama and betting that potential, but what results did I expect when the product (me) was delivering shallowness… we weren’t operating from truth and we can’t get liquid from a rock! This site is a godsent really, it really opened my eyes on the path towards loving myself!
Gina,
You’re absolutely right!!
Yes, this site is a godsend, it has made everything very clear.
All the best to you!!
Wow we met in person and all he did was text me and say he was gonna call. Finally I called him. That prompted his next call later that day to go out on a date. After the date (nothing happened but a couple of kisses) he didn’t call for days. Then we were back at texting again. I told him im not really fond of texting. I always initiated the text. I realize now how ridiculous I was being. I shouldn’t have to force anyone to call me. If he wanted anything more with me he would have done it. Thank you for this post. I’m no longer wasting my time on Mr. Text Message/Lazy Assclown as you call him.
← Previous Comments