I often get asked what the danger signals are with men and I point out the key ones in my post on red flags (print and keep if you are drawn to assclowns) and how to spot emotionally unavailable men (print out and keep if you tend to be drawn to the emotionally stunted), but that doesn’t stop many readers from looking for loopholes and making excuses. One of the danger zones is about how your man communicates with you:
Let me be clear. Nobody, and I really do mean no-frickin-body is soooo busy that they can only manage to text, email or instant message you.
Nobody is so busy that they can only bring themselves to call you when they need an ego massage or a shag. If they can call you for a shag or an ego stroke, they’ve got time!
When a man relies primarily on text messaging, instant messenger, and email for communicating with you, it’s not because he’s a new age man, it’s not because the written word is his tool, and it’s not because he is trying to manage his time effectively.
He is a tool! He is using ‘new’ forms of communication to control you and how often you both correspond so that he can control the relationship. He wants to keep at a distance, and it’s likely that he’s emotionally unavailable, an assclown, or both.
He is LAZY! When a man is too lazy to communicate with you properly, why waste the air you breathe on him? Trust me, if lazy communication exists in your relationship, there are other problems lingering there just waiting for you to open up Pandora’s box.
Whatever excuses you’ve been making about why you both spend so much time texting or online – STOP! You are either saying bullsh*t to avoid the reality of him or repeating things that he has given you as an excuse for his rubbish relationship behaviour.
Have you ever spent loads of time analysing an email? I have!
Have you ever reread a text trying to gauge the meaning or read waaay more into it?
Have you spent ages agonising over when he’s going to respond to these forms of communication?
Have you wonder why you have to have conversations with him in a series of symbols and flirty IM”s even though you’ve been with him for 18 months?
Wondering if he has a wife or girlfriend stashed away?
Wondering why it took him so long to respond yet you know he’s been active within on his regular dating site because it says so?
Have you ever looked back on your ‘relationship’ and suddenly realised that you rarely spoke with each other in between meeting up?
Texting, instant messaging, and email are all open to interpretation and it’s very easy to misconstrue tone. If he relies on these means of communicating, you will build sandcastles in the sky because really, when you spend your time reading into things, you can make it any relationship that you want!
It’s one thing if he uses these forms of communication as secondary ways of communicating with you in conjunction with picking up the phone and seeing you face to face, but I certainly would not accept these means as your primary method of communication.
Men who don’t make an effort and who aren’t interested in forging a proper relationship with you will opt for these lazy forms of communication.
You may start out this way, particularly if you meet online but he should want to progress the conversation and let you into his life and quite frankly, men that keep you out are lazy communicators, lazy dates, and even lazier pseudo ‘boyfriends’.
You don’t need to work out the why’s, where’s and how’s and I certainly would not go down the route of trying to force him to communicate with you via other means – why should you have to force him to do something that comes naturally to people who actually want to have a relationship and want to put both feet in?
If this is the type of man you have, consider it a danger warning and start looking at your relationship in a more real light.
So in summary, if he doesn’t progress from these forms of communication – it’s a danger signal, period. If you spend a lot of time trying to figure out what he meant by his latest ‘message’, it means you’re not communicating directly enough and I would also take this as a mega warning signal.
If he only makes contact with you on an ad hoc basis – often when he wants or needs something – and then disappears till his next one line text message or stupid email, danger alert!
If you’re with a guy like this, you need to be asking yourself why you’re prepared to accept virtual crumbs…
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download. Also find out more about my No Contact Rule web seminar, or if you need personal advice or analysis of your relationship, check out my consultation service.
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Ernesta, There are times when we have the luxury of being a caring person, of helping to heal those in need.
But selecting a mate is not one of those times. If you want to build a home, with a long term relationship, there are some essentials that have to be there – someone that heals and supports you, that you share joy with. You have to have respect and honesty and compassion, and loyalty between you. And he lacks respect and honor.
Please take time to find yourself. Time to find why you confused helping an injured man with finding a partner. Time to understand why you were almost ready to accept disrespect in your home.
And you are right, grieving for someone we lose from our lives always hurts.
Blessed be.
I was wondering why I never came across this post and I think it was during my – “this is gonna work out no matter what” period. Coming here only opened up the reality box and I wasn’t having it. Well, here I am now – day 19 of NC – after what will be our final break up.
The AC and I practically LIVED on Instant Messenger. That was practically the only way we communicated. Part of it in the beginning was my fault … he did call, but I have phone-phobia and he quit trying to get me to talk. So we ended up texting at first, then moved on to IMs.
He has broken up with me via text, email and IM – never once to my face. He broke up with me on the phone a couple of times too. Geez, all this breaking up and I still didnt get the message!
Well, it’s okay b/c I got it now. For over 2 years I gave him my love and he just kept saying, No thanks. I’m sick of trying and I’m done. I never realized out impersonal our communications were and it explains constant upsets and fights b/c anything can be read into words written with no body attached.
Hi Annied,
I agree, this strange new world of communications seems to complicate an already complicated world of relationships.
Sorry if I sound naive, but, a real relationship happens face to face. Period. This whole phenomenon of social networking sites and IMing and texting are truly just distractions and excuses from the task at hand. If that is how we are communicating, it is not real. There is a reason why the word “real” is in “real”lationships. Best to you.
Real relationships are about actions, what we actually do and not the potential that we can see – a committed relationship is not about distraction and feelings of excitement and clever dialogue… realising this has given me my life back and helped me understand how being in many different types of relationships with many EUM throughout my life.. the first being my father… has allowed me to protect myself from facing aspects of my own EU character – my husband and I now have something to work with – so I thank Grant, hopefully the last EUM I will need to spend emotional energy on… he truly is my soul mate and I wish him peace and true love
Annied, you said “For over 2 years I gave him my love and he just kept saying, No thanks”
This is just so profound and is resonating over and over in my head.
Cheers
Gaynor
The reason why he was acting interested in the beginning is because you positioned yourself as a woman who “didn’t want anything serious” — you said you were an EUW but what comes along with being so is, we and they get hooked on the illusion of the man saying that he wants a committed relationship and is in love with us but we know in the pitt of our stomach that it’s not real because the two of you are dating in this dysfunctional attraction of you both being unavailable and attracted to eachother when one blows hot and the other cold, it never matches up and never will. The relationship only exists because of the unavailability at the core and if one or both of you got healthy and ready for a relationship; you may or may not be interested in dating that person, or attracted giving another time/place/situation in the present.
I have been an emotionally unavailable woman and for some reason when the man said he wanted to be serious (on very loose terms usually) or expressed (shallow) feelings — I would love getting into the drama and betting that potential, but what results did I expect when the product (me) was delivering shallowness… we weren’t operating from truth and we can’t get liquid from a rock! This site is a godsent really, it really opened my eyes on the path towards loving myself!
Gina,
You’re absolutely right!!
Yes, this site is a godsend, it has made everything very clear.
All the best to you!!
Wow we met in person and all he did was text me and say he was gonna call. Finally I called him. That prompted his next call later that day to go out on a date. After the date (nothing happened but a couple of kisses) he didn’t call for days. Then we were back at texting again. I told him im not really fond of texting. I always initiated the text. I realize now how ridiculous I was being. I shouldn’t have to force anyone to call me. If he wanted anything more with me he would have done it. Thank you for this post. I’m no longer wasting my time on Mr. Text Message/Lazy Assclown as you call him.
It’s very embarrassing to think how many years of my life I wasted on this man. I justified it by thinking it was right/meant to be and we all have issues, so maybe this will take time. We met a few times and then it turned into only IM, email, texting, but I still held out hope! Ugh, reading these comments have been so helpful to me!!
At one point he just stopped talking to me for weeks I later found out he was back with this woman that he had cheated on his wife with years ago (I know red flag – hello!). I said please do not ever contact me again and that I deserved more. He started emailing here and there and I said do not contact me unless you are single. Well, he did a month later and I foolishly got back into it. We would make plans and he was always working late or whatever. I told him last month it was we move forward or not because I can’t deal with this anymore. We agreed to meet and he had to cancel due to work. He claimed I always made him nervous to talk to because he had been open with things that he hadn‘t with anyone else (I bought this!).
I look back and am so disappointed in how long I let this go on. He recently stopped talking to me and I have since found out he moved in with that woman. I am hurt and angry with myself. I told him to go rot in hell. I will not ever reach out to him and can’t imagine he would even think about reaching out to me. I wouldn’t reply anyway. At first I was so hurt and mad at myself and jealous of this other woman (why her and not me), but realized that she isn’t so lucky to “get him” as I am sure she had no idea he was reaching out to me with non appropriate conversations at times.
I am not proud I have wasted all these years, but finding this site and reading these posts have made me not feel so alone. I know I need to make some major changes in my thinking!
Thank you to all that have posted.
I’ve just read this article and it is so true. I met a guy while i was overseas and told me he was interested in me, but when he had to move away to another state i hardly heard from him, only text messages and occasionally we would talk online on IM. I was meant to go and see him a few weeks after he moved away, but during the time he was gone i realised that his feelings weren’t the same as mine. He wasn’t calling me and i wasn’t going to force him to as i knew he mustn’t be as interested as i first thought.
It is so hard when you make this realisation, and harder when i found out he actually had feelings for someone else. But, i guess from the experience i have learnt that there are guys out there who will put in a half-hearted effort and it is up to the girl to say, “no, i’m too good for this and i expect more”.
I do still wonder about him, but i know that he is better off with someone else who he actually likes! And i’m better off waiting for someone who will actually pick up the phone!
Now that I understand more about what an EUM is, I see clearly that is what I have been dealing with in the past year. Boy, did I believe the words he said to me, because there was little action. He decided to move out because in his words, “I sucked the life out of him”, “Being with me was like a job”, “I was too needy, too demanding, too many expectations..” you get the idea. Well, I tried to talk with him after he moved out, because I felt it was all my fault. He’s let me dangle on a string for an entire year keeping contact mainly through EMAIL. The last time I saw him I was on my way home from work, and he was getting in his car to leave his job. I asked if I could speak to him for a couple of mins. and he agreed. We sat in his car (I’m teary and sad), I reach for his hand to hold it because I am so hungry for affection from him, and he pulls it away and says to me “Do I need to get a restraining order”???? We did have volatile conversations before this meeting, but MY GOD! It took him 3 weeks to call and apologize to me. He left his apology on voicemail, and when I called to talk more about it he said, ” See, I already apologized ..you can’t just let things go”. I am sooo exhausted! He’s constantly telling me that I’m “Unhappy with myself”, and if I were more “secure” then the things that he did wouldn’t “bother” me so much.
I would like to share the whole story from beginning to end but I’ll focus on the end. Although his behavior was the epitome of a EUM. I will in no means make excuses for my own behavior, instead I will grow from it. Ending it……He still attempts to leave doors open for “next time”, while completely taking all the sensitive and personally info that was exchanged over 8 months and passively aggressively attacking me with words of wisdom and unfounded support. I have to admit that this was the most bizarre situation I have ever been in, my normal type are just plain ole losers. The EUM is a new breed for me & one that I do not ever want the pleasure of enduring again. Goddess bless all my sister who actually put up with this narcissistic & what I call incredible behavior. I would also like to give props to NML for having learned and willing to share her experience, thank you.
I heard a funny saying about this….’guys who text just want sex, guys who call want it all!’
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